And no, I don't have the key to the Tennis Channel. Yet another reason why my chain of upscale toilets, Take a Load Off, is a brilliant idea.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
This is What It's Come to At My Office
And no, I don't have the key to the Tennis Channel. Yet another reason why my chain of upscale toilets, Take a Load Off, is a brilliant idea.
Monday, December 07, 2009
"Jersey Shore" is Perfect
Here’s something that fascinates me about “Jersey Shore” on MTV: It’s that someone was watching the Real World and said out loud:
"You know what the problem is with this show? The kids on here are too smart"
But really, what took so long? Guidos are entertaining, that's just a fact. Denise Richards isn't fun to watch, these guys are fun to watch:
You see this, you're not turning the channel. You have to watch.
It really is like these people are a different species or something. To prove the point: the show is on MTV, it is the exact same premise as The Real World - strangers living in a house, everything taped, they even get a job - and yet it's not called "The Real World: Jersey Shore". Why? Because these aren't real people. They are guidos, and they are different and we all know it.
One of the guys calls himself The Situation. His abs are also known as The Situation. There's Ronnie, who likes to make something called "Ron Ron juice" before hitting the clubs and "pounding out" women. There's also Jwoww, no reason given for the multiple "W's". And of course there's Paulie D. I'm pretty sure 70 percent of guidos are named Paulie D, so there had to be at least one.
The funny thing is they all think they're hot. Not just themselves, they think the other people in the house are hot. Even the guys think the other guys are hot. It's very strange. You know how people argue that girls get their cue from magazines and TV on how to look, and skinny is awesome, and all that? These people are seeing that stuff and going the opposite way. Cause no one on TV or movies or magazines looks like this. These girls are chubby. These guys are in black face. Where are they getting this from?
These people bring up so many questions...How do they have time to work out so much? Who thinks that looks good? Do they work? Why so much tanning? Don't they hate blacks? What girls do they get? Are there guidettes?
Well, it turns out there are, and 4 of them are on "Jersey Shore". One of them is a little chubby midget who is the guido version of Christina Aguilera. And in the "this season on..." preview, we see her get punched in the face by a guy. I'm not talking slapped, or spanked, or even a glancing blow. No, she gets full on fist punched directly into her tanned grill.
It is insane. And it might become the most talked about moment in reality show history since Joey Greco got stabbed on "Cheaters".
Thank you, Jersey Shore.
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
3 Dumb Lists
It's that time of the decade again...
Time to look back and rank everything that happened to us. People have been pretty rough on the ol' aughts. It's kind of depressing to think that the decade of my full scale adulthood is, according to Time Magazine, "the decade from hell". 9/11 was a rough one, tough to get around that - not to mention Katrina, George Bush, the tsunami, and Cathy Garcia (my ex girlfriend).
"That being said...", I had a pretty good time. You can't do as much dancing as I did and say shit sucked, you just can't. I broke it down a few times, and that was done with a smile on my face. In 2000, I would've killed just to get an agent. Now I just want to kill my agent. I avoided getting anyone pregnant, that was awesome. At the beginning of the decade, 'NSYNC, Backstreet, and Britney were on top of the world. Now they're all bloated. I think that's a positive development.
And as we look back, lists will inevitably be made. And 3 lists have recently come out - 1 for movies, 1 for music, and 1 for TV - that I couldn't disagree more with. It's like a perfect storm of horribleness making me question everything that's happened so far this century.
DUMB LIST #1 - New Music Express's "Top Ten Songs of the Decade"
10. Arctic Monkeys "A Certain Romance"
9. Arcade Fire - “Rebellion (Lies)”
8. Blur - “Out Of Time”
7. Klaxons - “Golden Skans”
6. The Rapture - “House Of Jealous Lovers”
5. OutKast - “Hey Ya!”
4. M.I.A. - “Paper Planes”
3. The Strokes "Hard to Explain"
2. MGMT "Time to Pretend"
1. Beyonce "Crazy In Love"
WHAT? I've never even heard of half these songs, and "Crazy in Love" isn't even in the top 3 Beyonce songs of the decade. I'll take "Single Ladies", the "To the Left, To the Left" song, and of course, this classic:
Now, I agree that "Hey Ya" is up there. That might be number 1. Do you remember how huge that song was? And if I was a white guy, I'd probably say "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers should be on there too. Now, I may be a little biased, but here's my top 5:
5. T-Pain and Akon "Bartender"
4. R. Kelly "I'm a Flirt"
3. Ray J "Sexy Can I"
2. Dr. Dre "Explosive"
1. R. Kelly "Ignition" (remix)
DUMB LIST #2 - Time Out New York "The Top 50 Movies of the Decade"
This one is even crazier. If you told me it was a list of the worst movies of the decade, I'd believe you. I'm not going to list them all, but here are some examples:
35. Miami Vice (seriously, the Colin Farrell/Jamie Foxx movie)
31. Artificial Intelligence
24. I Heart Huckabees
22. Synechdoche, New York
18. Femme Fatale (Rebecca Romijn should not be on any list containing the word "best")
4. The New World (Two Colin Farrell movies!)
1. Mulholland Drive
I hate people who try to be weird just for the sake of being weird. You did not go to a movie theater, watch "Artificial Intelligence", and have a good experience. You just didn't. There's no shame in picking movies that are actually fun to watch.
The list did not include "Almost Famous", "No Country for Old Men", "Casino Royale", "Slumdog Millionaire", the Batman or Lord of the Ring movies that made a billion dollars each, or even "In the Mix".
DUMB LIST #3 - The Hollywood Reporter's "Top Ten TV Series of the Decade"
Okay, the Hollywood Reporter is actually legitimate. So this one is even more interesting:
10. Modern Family
9. Lost
8. 24
7. 30 Rock
6. Mad Men
5. Damages
4. The Shield
3. Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. West Wing
1. The Sopranos
All right, let's start with the obvious: Modern Family? You mean the show that has been on, for like, 5 episodes? Come on. You can't compare an entire series with 5 episodes. Anyone can do 5 good episodes - there were 5 good episodes of "The OC" for Christmukkah's sake, and then Oliver showed up. That's just silly.
I love "Curb" as much as the next guy, but it's not consistently good. To be honest, I've never seen "Damages" but there's no fucking way it's better than "Rescue Me". It just isn't. You may also have noticed that "The Wire" is nowhere to be found, and neither is "Arrested Development".
So without further ado, here is the real list of the top ten shows, courtesy of me:
10. Chappelle's Show
9. The West Wing
8. Temptation Island
7. The Office
6. The Sopranos
5. Mad Men
4. Rescue Me
3. Friday Night Lights
2. The Wire
1. Lost
Time to look back and rank everything that happened to us. People have been pretty rough on the ol' aughts. It's kind of depressing to think that the decade of my full scale adulthood is, according to Time Magazine, "the decade from hell". 9/11 was a rough one, tough to get around that - not to mention Katrina, George Bush, the tsunami, and Cathy Garcia (my ex girlfriend).
"That being said...", I had a pretty good time. You can't do as much dancing as I did and say shit sucked, you just can't. I broke it down a few times, and that was done with a smile on my face. In 2000, I would've killed just to get an agent. Now I just want to kill my agent. I avoided getting anyone pregnant, that was awesome. At the beginning of the decade, 'NSYNC, Backstreet, and Britney were on top of the world. Now they're all bloated. I think that's a positive development.
And as we look back, lists will inevitably be made. And 3 lists have recently come out - 1 for movies, 1 for music, and 1 for TV - that I couldn't disagree more with. It's like a perfect storm of horribleness making me question everything that's happened so far this century.
DUMB LIST #1 - New Music Express's "Top Ten Songs of the Decade"
10. Arctic Monkeys "A Certain Romance"
9. Arcade Fire - “Rebellion (Lies)”
8. Blur - “Out Of Time”
7. Klaxons - “Golden Skans”
6. The Rapture - “House Of Jealous Lovers”
5. OutKast - “Hey Ya!”
4. M.I.A. - “Paper Planes”
3. The Strokes "Hard to Explain"
2. MGMT "Time to Pretend"
1. Beyonce "Crazy In Love"
WHAT? I've never even heard of half these songs, and "Crazy in Love" isn't even in the top 3 Beyonce songs of the decade. I'll take "Single Ladies", the "To the Left, To the Left" song, and of course, this classic:
Now, I agree that "Hey Ya" is up there. That might be number 1. Do you remember how huge that song was? And if I was a white guy, I'd probably say "Mr. Brightside" by the Killers should be on there too. Now, I may be a little biased, but here's my top 5:
5. T-Pain and Akon "Bartender"
4. R. Kelly "I'm a Flirt"
3. Ray J "Sexy Can I"
2. Dr. Dre "Explosive"
1. R. Kelly "Ignition" (remix)
DUMB LIST #2 - Time Out New York "The Top 50 Movies of the Decade"
This one is even crazier. If you told me it was a list of the worst movies of the decade, I'd believe you. I'm not going to list them all, but here are some examples:
35. Miami Vice (seriously, the Colin Farrell/Jamie Foxx movie)
31. Artificial Intelligence
24. I Heart Huckabees
22. Synechdoche, New York
18. Femme Fatale (Rebecca Romijn should not be on any list containing the word "best")
4. The New World (Two Colin Farrell movies!)
1. Mulholland Drive
I hate people who try to be weird just for the sake of being weird. You did not go to a movie theater, watch "Artificial Intelligence", and have a good experience. You just didn't. There's no shame in picking movies that are actually fun to watch.
The list did not include "Almost Famous", "No Country for Old Men", "Casino Royale", "Slumdog Millionaire", the Batman or Lord of the Ring movies that made a billion dollars each, or even "In the Mix".
DUMB LIST #3 - The Hollywood Reporter's "Top Ten TV Series of the Decade"
Okay, the Hollywood Reporter is actually legitimate. So this one is even more interesting:
10. Modern Family
9. Lost
8. 24
7. 30 Rock
6. Mad Men
5. Damages
4. The Shield
3. Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. West Wing
1. The Sopranos
All right, let's start with the obvious: Modern Family? You mean the show that has been on, for like, 5 episodes? Come on. You can't compare an entire series with 5 episodes. Anyone can do 5 good episodes - there were 5 good episodes of "The OC" for Christmukkah's sake, and then Oliver showed up. That's just silly.
I love "Curb" as much as the next guy, but it's not consistently good. To be honest, I've never seen "Damages" but there's no fucking way it's better than "Rescue Me". It just isn't. You may also have noticed that "The Wire" is nowhere to be found, and neither is "Arrested Development".
So without further ado, here is the real list of the top ten shows, courtesy of me:
10. Chappelle's Show
9. The West Wing
8. Temptation Island
7. The Office
6. The Sopranos
5. Mad Men
4. Rescue Me
3. Friday Night Lights
2. The Wire
1. Lost
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
My Shark Tank Pitch
I happen to have a brilliant idea for a new business, and would like to pitch it to "Shark Tank". But since I can't get on that show, I'm just going to pitch it here. And I'm going to pitch it the way Don Draper would:
Picture a business man. Not a CEO, he's midlevel, but working his way up. He sits in a cubicle, or maybe he just got his first office. It's the end of another long day, he heads home to his wife and their young baby, who hasn't yet been able to sleep through the night. He fights the nightly traffic, and it suddenly dawns on him that he didn't get to use the bathroom today. Maybe it was the stress of the work day, or maybe it's the fact that he has to share a single bathroom with the entire floor.
That's when he sees it:
In a shopping center, in between a Jamba Juice and The Massage Place, it's your friendly neighborhood "Take a Load Off".
Take a Load Off isn't just a place to go to the bathroom, it's an oasis. In ancient Greece, an oasis was a place of peace, safety, or happiness in the midst of trouble or difficulty. And here it's the perfect place to stop, in between the non-stop pressure of work and home, and relax in a place of peace, safety, and yes, toilets.
Our business man goes in, swipes his VIP membership card - he's royalty here. He goes in, and is greeted by a fresh, clean environment with a friendly attendant and his choice of any newspaper and magazine in circulation. That's right, an oasis that keeps you informed and entertained.
But that's not all.
He steps into a large stall - think handicapped times 2 - with no shared stalled doors. There's a plasma TV and free wifi. A high tech toilet greets him by automatically opening the top lid. The seat is heated, and there are no paper covers needed here - every stall is cleaned immediately after a single use. He sits down, reads, watches TV, checks his email, and...takes a load off.
Now, I'm offering you $500 thousand dollars for a 10% stake in my company...
Picture a business man. Not a CEO, he's midlevel, but working his way up. He sits in a cubicle, or maybe he just got his first office. It's the end of another long day, he heads home to his wife and their young baby, who hasn't yet been able to sleep through the night. He fights the nightly traffic, and it suddenly dawns on him that he didn't get to use the bathroom today. Maybe it was the stress of the work day, or maybe it's the fact that he has to share a single bathroom with the entire floor.
That's when he sees it:
In a shopping center, in between a Jamba Juice and The Massage Place, it's your friendly neighborhood "Take a Load Off".
Take a Load Off isn't just a place to go to the bathroom, it's an oasis. In ancient Greece, an oasis was a place of peace, safety, or happiness in the midst of trouble or difficulty. And here it's the perfect place to stop, in between the non-stop pressure of work and home, and relax in a place of peace, safety, and yes, toilets.
Our business man goes in, swipes his VIP membership card - he's royalty here. He goes in, and is greeted by a fresh, clean environment with a friendly attendant and his choice of any newspaper and magazine in circulation. That's right, an oasis that keeps you informed and entertained.
But that's not all.
He steps into a large stall - think handicapped times 2 - with no shared stalled doors. There's a plasma TV and free wifi. A high tech toilet greets him by automatically opening the top lid. The seat is heated, and there are no paper covers needed here - every stall is cleaned immediately after a single use. He sits down, reads, watches TV, checks his email, and...takes a load off.
Now, I'm offering you $500 thousand dollars for a 10% stake in my company...
Monday, November 23, 2009
Understanding Sarah Palin
The Conservatives got a new hero this week. Yes, another one. They finally threw Prejean to the curb, and found an even better inspiration.
This true patriot was at a Sarah Palin book signing, innocently waiting in line for an autograph. And that's when the evil one, Satan incarnate herself, yes: Norah O'Donnell reared her ugly serpentine head, armed with, gasp! Questions. Here's what happened next:
What a brave soul, standing up to O'Donnell like that. I mean, "I don't...where did you hear that?" It's not exactly "give me liberty or give me death", but no matter. This clip quickly circulated in conservative circles. And they came to the same conclusion that any of us would...
Norah O'Donnell is a bitch...and that Sarah Palin fan rules!!!
No, I don't get it either. The Palin girl quite clearly has no fucking idea what she's talking about. But apparently that's okay, because "she's only 17 years old". Oh, that makes it better. Fine, she's 17. Still, she's a moron. So I don't understand celebrating her as if she's a hero. She's not a hero, she's seriously misinformed. That's not a good trait to have, no matter how old you are.
I don't understand this political movement. They love not knowing shit. It reminds me of Chris Rock's old bit "Black People vs. Ni--ers", I'll substitute the N word with conservatives:
"Do you know the worst thing about conservatives? Conservatives love to not know. Nothing makes a conservative happier than to not answer your question. Just ask a conservative any question, "what's the capital of Zaire?" "I don't know that shit, I'm keeping it real. Conservatives love to keep it real, real dumb".
Why do they love dumb people so much? Does anyone have an answer for this? Seriously, I'm asking. I'm beginning to think they'll just like anybody who can't answer simple questions. And then I saw this today, which confirmed my suspicions...
This true patriot was at a Sarah Palin book signing, innocently waiting in line for an autograph. And that's when the evil one, Satan incarnate herself, yes: Norah O'Donnell reared her ugly serpentine head, armed with, gasp! Questions. Here's what happened next:
What a brave soul, standing up to O'Donnell like that. I mean, "I don't...where did you hear that?" It's not exactly "give me liberty or give me death", but no matter. This clip quickly circulated in conservative circles. And they came to the same conclusion that any of us would...
Norah O'Donnell is a bitch...and that Sarah Palin fan rules!!!
No, I don't get it either. The Palin girl quite clearly has no fucking idea what she's talking about. But apparently that's okay, because "she's only 17 years old". Oh, that makes it better. Fine, she's 17. Still, she's a moron. So I don't understand celebrating her as if she's a hero. She's not a hero, she's seriously misinformed. That's not a good trait to have, no matter how old you are.
I don't understand this political movement. They love not knowing shit. It reminds me of Chris Rock's old bit "Black People vs. Ni--ers", I'll substitute the N word with conservatives:
"Do you know the worst thing about conservatives? Conservatives love to not know. Nothing makes a conservative happier than to not answer your question. Just ask a conservative any question, "what's the capital of Zaire?" "I don't know that shit, I'm keeping it real. Conservatives love to keep it real, real dumb".
Why do they love dumb people so much? Does anyone have an answer for this? Seriously, I'm asking. I'm beginning to think they'll just like anybody who can't answer simple questions. And then I saw this today, which confirmed my suspicions...
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