The Grass is Always Whiter

No one knows why, but black people want to be white, and I want to go to the R. Kelly concert and be black. It's silly. But that's why I'm looking forward to a mixed race only future. Think about it: a world of Jessica Albas and Lester Holts, it's heaven.

Unfortunately, Sammy Sosa could not wait for that future. He had to get science involved. Michael Jackson science.


Who would ever have predicted Sammy would use drugs to change his physical appearance?

And save your angry letters - yes, I know Sammy isn't black. He's Dominican, which is the same.

R. Kelly Concert: The 15 Year Anniversary

On May 6th, 1994, I attended my first R. Kelly concert at the Concord Pavilion in Concord, California. It was a life changing experience. And 15 years later, November 5th, 2009, I saw my 4th R. Kelly concert.

Before I left the house, I proudly set my facebook and twitter status to "my mind is tellin me no, but my body, my body's tellin me i'm going to the R. Kelly concert!" And then set off...

As with any R. Kelly show, I worry about blending in. But thankfully, there was a hockey game at the Staples Center at the same time (concert was at Nokia across the street), so everyone assumed I was a big LA Kings fan. When they weren't looking, I slipped into the show.

Immediately, I thought I might be in the wrong place. It looked like a diabetes convention. But no, they were there for R., and judging from the nachos, to add to their diabetes.

In '94, it was the "12 Play Tour". In '09, it's the "Ladies Make Some Noise Tour". And let me put your worries to rest: the ladies did, in fact, make some noise.

I settled into my seats - 8 rows back, right in the center. Hell yeah. R. comes out to his own version of Kanye's "Flashing Lights", wearing a white coat, red scarf, and red hat. I lean over to my lady and say: "i really like that jacket".

She laughs.

I think, "oh shit, that was way too gay, that's one of those things you keep to yourself." But thankfully, she goes:

"I was thinking the same thing".

I feel better for 2 seconds, but then she adds the knife:

"I was thinking that you were going to like it, and of course you do".

Fuck. It's a nice jacket though.

Awkward moment: So I'm preoccupied with waving my hands as if I don't care, when unexpectedly a black man is trying to get by me to his seat. Instead, he got my careless waving hand slapped right in his face, and yes, he did care.

Early on in the show, R. says "does LA have the finest women?!" And the 2 very large women next to me simultaneously respond "fuck yeah, we do!".

I notice some people turning their heads in front of me. I turn to look to see what is going on, and that's when I see him. My other idol:

Magic Johnson. Magic! And he's...sitting behind me! Magic has worse seats than me! What a travesty. The man practically built this place. The man invented the no look pass and the high 5, can we get the brotha an upgrade? God damn. Making matters worse? Ray J's punk ass was up in the first row. Ray J should not be in front of Magic in anything. Someone call the black celebrity police, this is an outrage. And he wasn't even with my girl Danger.

Here's poor Magic, 3 rows behind me:


If you would've told me in 1994 that in 15 years I'd be in LA watching R. Kelly, sitting in front of Magic Johnson, I would've told you that I'm going to be a happy man.

And I probably would've added, "we cured AIDS!"

This also added a new dimension to the concert for me, because I had to check in with Magic every couple minutes to see how he was enjoying the show. Magic's favorite song: "You Remind Me of My Jeep".

As for R., he sounds as good as ever. But his stage performance has matured. For example, back in the day, I remember a lot of pelvic thrusting. And I mean a lot of pelvic thrusting. Even Bobby Brown was like, "that's a lot of pelvic thrusting". But that is gone, now it's all arms. The pelvic stays in place, but the arms do the work. Hey, time catches up with all of us.

The thing about Kellz is that he will flip the script on your ass. To wit, he dedicated a song to the ladies with small booties. That's right. Usually you hear jams for the big booty women, but no, R. throws a curveball. Unfortunately, no one in the audience could relate to the small booty song.

He also classed the joint up a bit. He sang some Sam Cooke songs, did a very nice tribute to MJ (as everyone must at this point), and sang some opera. That's right, opera. He sang, in operatic style, "I'm Fucking You Tonight". Eat a dick, Pavarotti.

The best part about an R. Kelly concert, besides the fat black women in their outfits, is that everyone in the crowd loves R. more than I do. It seems impossible, yet it's true. The whole audience is singing in unison some shit I haven't even heard before. It's awesome. And a little frightening.

It was a fantastic show. And I came home high on the thrill of being properly entertained. Then I checked the responses to my R. Kelly status:

"wear a raincoat, you might get peed on"
"don't get peed on"
"he still tours?"
"partly cloudy, chance of golden showers"

Thanks a lot, white people. That's why no one likes you.

Hideki Matsui's Lovely Bride

The Yankees won the World Series last night, and thank God...that baseball season is over. Enough already. I felt like I'd start watching an inning, flip over and watch an entire episode of something, then flip back and it would still be the same inning. Can we invent a better cup at this point? The way they maneuver those things around there is something wrong. You invent a comfortable cup and the average game length gets cut by a half an hour.

But congrats to the Bronx Bombers, it must feel great to spend a hundred million dollars more than anyone else, and also use steroids, and win. Nothing like a good, clean win on a level playing field. Yeah, baseball is dumb.

Anyway, Hideki Matsui was the MVP. I know 3 things about Hideki: he's from Japan, his nickname is Godzilla, and he has horrible, horrible skin. Oh, and a giant head. That's 4 things. But today I learned something else. He's a happily married man. Yep, settled down with a nice young lady from Japan. And since I adore Asian the way I do, I figured I'd check her out.

Well, she is even more stunning than I could've imagined. Here is the only known photo of the happy couple together:



Isn't she lovely? I love the way she's doing her hair now.

This is a real photo from a real newspaper about Hideki's real marriage to that real drawing. I'm not making this up. This was the caption underneath:

It's not exactly a glossy portrait, but it's got that homemade touch; Hideki Matsui shows a sketch of his new wife during a press conference at a hotel in Tampa on Thursday.

"Shows a sketch of his new wife..."

I heard the guy that drew that is the guy who used to draw the Menendez brothers. Here's more from the article:

"Matsui refused to reveal many details about Wednesday's wedding or his new wife, only saying she is 25 and from Japan, where she formerly worked "in a reputable position at a highly respected company."

Why pencil? At least color that shit in with some crayons or something. What the fuck is going on in Japan? I feel like that question cannot be asked enough. I have a hard time believing a woman who looks that slutty works at any "highly respected company". I mean, look at her. So trashy. She could at least show less skin for that press conference. And she's totally staring at the guy in the front row to her left.

One last thing from the article:

"Matsui, also known back home for his large collection of porn films, said he and his wife have been planning their wedding for a year."

Does it count as a collection if they're just stored on your hard drive? And how do you get "known" for that? Does your mom walk in on you and just start telling the whole neighborhood? It would seem you'd have to go out of your way to become famous for that. I'm like Tyler Perry, I keep my shit on the D.L.

That's why you have to be really careful about what you do as a celebrity - you don't want "known for your large collection of porn films" in every article ever written about you. The porn label sticks, my friend, trust me. I wonder if the drawing knows about this. I also wonder if he'll get sick of having sex with his wife and start masturbating to the drawing. Does he have other drawings, like with her boobs and stuff?

All right, that's it. Congrats to the Yanks, who are known back home for their steroid use, STD's, extensive porn collection, and saddest of all, for going out with Kate Hudson.

Oh Happy Day

ABC plans 5 more 'Shark Tank' episodes
Looks like my new favorite show has been saved. The ratings were bad, and it was looking dead, which was such a bummer because the last few episodes were awesome. But this was announced today:


"Shark Tank" will likely get a second chance to pitch itself to viewers.

ABC plans to air five more episodes of Mark Burnett's reality series.

The network had three unaired "Shark Tank" episodes left in the can and has now asked producers to cobble together another two episodes from existing footage for an expected five-episode run. No air date is set.

The network has not ordered production on new episodes of the series, however, contradicting a Tweet from one of the show's panelists that spurred some speculation about a renewal.

"Shark" Robert Herjavec (aka, "the nice one") wrote via Twitter: "Great news – ABC has ordered more episodes of Shark Tank !!!! No air date yet – but it’s coming."

Sorry buddy, but you're no Paula Abdul.

This should allow ABC a chance to test the waters with "Shark" once again. The downside is that you have to figure that the material is probably not the most compelling deal-making footage from the show's first round of production. And given the holidays are coming up, I smell another tough time period ahead for the show.

I Can't Think of a Reason Why Playboy Isn't Doing Well

Who doesn't love masturbating to giant shoulders?

This is Gonna Be Hard

I can't make comments about "Friday Night Lights"? Is this how it has to be? Thanks a lot, Jeff Zucker.

That's right, I'm a Direct TV man now. I get the NFL package, I am locked in to the Red Zone channel, and I enjoy the freedom to watch the drama unfolding in Dillon, Texas every week, months before you get to. I can't even believe I used to live like that. How do you do it? It's like living in a third world country. You disgust me.

Well, I won't spoil anything for you. But I'll just give you this little nugget about season 4:

Now that he's graduated, Riggins' hair is fuller and more lustrous.

Oh Shit