Saturday, February 25, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Singers Are Worthless
I don't know if you've heard, but Whitney Houston died last week. It's been reported that she may have been broke, or near broke. There's a possibility that she didn't have a lot of money because she was doing crack cocaine for the last 20 years. But another reason that Whitney Houston didn't have a lot of money is because she never wrote a song in her life. Not one. Not a single lyric. Nothing. It's a quite a feat, really.
The people who are rich from Whitney Houston's songs, and getting richer right now, are the people who wrote them. And deservedly so. Because no matter how great Whitney was, "I'm Your Baby Tonight" could've been sung by Mariah and it would still be a good song.
I didn't really think about this until I started to watch The Voice this season. And The Voice represents something very interesting in the "find a great singer" genre. It's different than American Idol. Whereas American Idol purports to go all around America to find previously undiscovered talent, The Voice goes all around Los Angeles looking for already discovered talent.
The people on The Voice, for the most part, have careers. Or used to have them. They've been signed to record deals, they've gone on tour, in short, they've made it into the system. And the system rejected them.
We're through the looking glass here, people. We've gone through all the singers in the country, and we're somehow going back through the old ones again. Why can't America understand that we're over our singer limit? We don't need to find anymore! We're all good. It's the equivalent to Hollywood desperately searching for more people to come here and write a screenplay. It's unnecessary and counterproductive at this point.
There was a great moment demonstrating this the other night. A kid came out on The Voice and sang an Usher song. Despite the fact that he sounded EXACTLY like Usher, none of the judges turned around. Finally, Cee Lo hit the stupid button on his chair, saying "I think they're pulling a prank on us and it really is Usher singing".
That's why he turned around. Because it might be Usher. And none of the other judges turned! Usher might've been behind them and they still didn't know if that person was worthy of keeping on the show.
Because, you see, it doesn't really matter. It could've been Usher. There are lots of people who can sing like Usher. So many, in fact, that the other judges didn't even turn. Singers are a dime a dozen. So maybe it's time we stop looking for them. Please? Cause I really hate these awful shows.
The people who are rich from Whitney Houston's songs, and getting richer right now, are the people who wrote them. And deservedly so. Because no matter how great Whitney was, "I'm Your Baby Tonight" could've been sung by Mariah and it would still be a good song.
I didn't really think about this until I started to watch The Voice this season. And The Voice represents something very interesting in the "find a great singer" genre. It's different than American Idol. Whereas American Idol purports to go all around America to find previously undiscovered talent, The Voice goes all around Los Angeles looking for already discovered talent.
The people on The Voice, for the most part, have careers. Or used to have them. They've been signed to record deals, they've gone on tour, in short, they've made it into the system. And the system rejected them.
We're through the looking glass here, people. We've gone through all the singers in the country, and we're somehow going back through the old ones again. Why can't America understand that we're over our singer limit? We don't need to find anymore! We're all good. It's the equivalent to Hollywood desperately searching for more people to come here and write a screenplay. It's unnecessary and counterproductive at this point.
There was a great moment demonstrating this the other night. A kid came out on The Voice and sang an Usher song. Despite the fact that he sounded EXACTLY like Usher, none of the judges turned around. Finally, Cee Lo hit the stupid button on his chair, saying "I think they're pulling a prank on us and it really is Usher singing".
That's why he turned around. Because it might be Usher. And none of the other judges turned! Usher might've been behind them and they still didn't know if that person was worthy of keeping on the show.
Because, you see, it doesn't really matter. It could've been Usher. There are lots of people who can sing like Usher. So many, in fact, that the other judges didn't even turn. Singers are a dime a dozen. So maybe it's time we stop looking for them. Please? Cause I really hate these awful shows.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 8: Meet the Parents
I realized something this week: this crap ass season actually has a chance to totally redeem itself. Even though Ben is so awful and it was a complete disaster choosing him to be the Bachelor, a Kacie vs. Courtney finale is darn intriguing. Why? For the very reason that Ben is so awful, because he might choose Courtney! And that would be great because she has no interest in him whatsoever. It would be the ultimate comeuppance.
Let's begin...
Oh shit. I forgot Lindzi was still here. She's the first hometown visit and guess what? She's riding another horse! Dance with the one that brung ya, I guess.
Lindzi is from Florida, that makes sense. Lindzi: "If Ben ends up with me, horses are going to be a big part of our life together". Lindzi, don't you understand that Ben is constantly on the move, his schedule is unpredictable and he never knows where he'll be next! He can't be tied down with a horse.
The wind is not doing Lindzi's hair any favors. Ben has never done his hair any favors.
Ben seems a little annoyed that Lindzi went out with other people before he met her. That bitch.
Ben kisses her, and does the rare double lick of his lips! Have you people been picking up on this? He licks his lips right before every kiss in a really gross way. This time, possibly because of the windy conditions, he doubled up. Here he is mid-lick...
We meet Lindzi's parents, and guess what they want to do? Carriage racing! Ugh, enough with the horses. Maybe this is why Lindzi is forced to whore herself out to a reality show just to find a man. She's probably rejected tons of awesome dudes just because they wanted to drive a car instead of saddling up.
We hear a lot about Lindzi's heart break with her last boyfriend, but don't get any real specifics on why she got dumped. My guess is he horsed around on her.
Lindzi is an only child. Huge surprise there. Her favorite TV show is Luck. Favorite movie actress: Julia Roberts. Favorite TV actress: Sarah Jessica Parker. Football player? Peyton Manning. She's strongly in favor of the new rule adopted by the NFL which penalizes teams 15 yards for horse collar tackles. Face masks? Well, that's a horse of a different color.
Kacie is next. She's from Tennessee. A high school band greets Ben, along with Kacie. She looks like a mess. Oh, it's raining. This girl's hair needs pristine conditions to look okay. She's like the boy in the bubble, if her hair leaves that bubble it will die, and by die I mean turn into an afro.
Kacie tells Ben that her dad is a probation officer and doesn't drink, she says "we're in the Bible belt, Ben". This is a slight problem because Ben pretends to make wine for a living. Thank God it's all a lie.
We meet Kacie's mom, dad, and sister. They appear to all be white. She looks nothing like her dad. It's possible that her mom banged Steve McNair. RIP.
Kacie's sister is cute in a backwoods, cousin fucking way. I'd say it's a toss up between the two.
Ben always acts like he's shocked that he likes someone. "She's really surprised me!" Shut up, you're lucky to be here, stop acting like you're not.
Kacie's mom is a huge fan of the Bachelor, as a TV show. So she knows how this is all playing out, I like it. She doesn't want Ben and Kacie to live together before getting hitched. Considering the circumstances, it's a very strange concern. I mean, she knows the Fantasy Suites are coming up next week. I'd be much more worried about what Ben intends to do with his penis on national TV.
Kacie's parents are emphatic about her not living in sin. They are so against that. I will never understand the south.
Her dad says that if Ben asked for his permission to marry her, he would say no. These are the people who vote for Rick Santorum.
Nicki's up next, she's from Fort Worth, Texas. I feel so sad for Nikki's body. Her face is fine, her boobs are good, but she is really shaped like a pear. She has the anti-Courtney body.
Since they're in Texas they have to go shopping for cowboy boots and hats. Is the Civil War still being fought?
Ben: "I don't think you're beating a dead horse". Thank God he didn't say that to Lindzi.
Ben seems more affectionate with Nicki.
Nicki is a good person. A real, normal, good person. She's making me feel bad about the pear thing. But wait...incoming!
We meet Nicki's mom, dad, and brother. Her parents have been divorced almost her whole life. The way Nicki is talking to her mom, it seems like she's in love with the idea of being married. I think she wants to make up for what her parents didn't have. There's some fairy tale life she thinks she missed out on growing up. And she's wrong.
I love Nicki's dad. He feels bad for letting Nicki marry that good for nothin', sum bitch. He cries. Rednecks, they're just like us. Except racist.
Ben didn't touch his supper.
Guys, this might sound crazy, that I'm falling for the editing, but Nicki is moving up my list. Now I think it could be Nicki vs. Courtney, with the more obvious, more reasonable finale being Nicki vs. Kacie.
Courtney's turn, so Ben heads to Crazy Town, Arizona. Courtney says she hasn't been with a guy who didn't break her heart or let her down, but Ben is different. Yeah, he is different, he's not cool or good looking.
We meet Courtney's mom, dad, and sister. She looks just like her mom. Her mom is skeptical. She sort of implies that while Ben is polite, he's clearly not at the Courtney level. He's not pure evil enough.
Courtney keeps saying two things: that she's "falling" for Ben, and that all men have "betrayed" her. I don't believe either one, but I hope the betrayed thing is true.
She takes him for a picnic where a wedding is setup. Courtney is wearing white. She announces that they are going to write vows. She also brought a bow tie for him. It's all annoying and lame.
They exchange vows. Just what all guys love to do! Why have just one wedding when you can have a bunch of fake ones?
Courtney plagiarized her vows from "Sex and the City". Seriously, she does. She can't even come up with real words to say to him. I think she's using this as her audition reel.
She reveals that she's in love with him. Ben probably believes it.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Oh man, Nicki just lost all of the goodwill she built up with the dress she is wearing. Yikes. "Do you have that in a size dumpy?"
COURTNEY - the dream lives
LINDZI - WHAT THE HELL?!! I just yelled at the TV and now my voice is horse.
NICKI - unreal.
I can't believe he got rid of Kacie, but here's an important thing to note: Kacie's dad very specifically told Ben if you're not going all the way with Kacie, let her go now. That has to be what this is, but still...she was the front runner in my book.
It's not so much that Kacie's going home, it's that she's going home and Lindzi is still here. Lindzi is ridiculous, I barely remember that she's even on the show.
Ben says goodbye to Kacie and she is totally cool about it. Until...
Kacie does the limo cry. She squeals "Why am I not good enough, like, I don't get it!" And "this is why I don't love, this is why! I loved him and I don't know what to do now. How did this happen? What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened?!"
So unfortunate, yet so funny. Oh Kacie, don't go out like that. It's only Ben. It's only Ben!
To me, this means that Courtney "wins". I see no other way.
Next week: we're off to Switzerland. It's majestic. And the producers send in one of the rejected girls to talk shit about Courtney. Well, at least they're trying.
Goodnight.
Let's begin...
Oh shit. I forgot Lindzi was still here. She's the first hometown visit and guess what? She's riding another horse! Dance with the one that brung ya, I guess.
Lindzi is from Florida, that makes sense. Lindzi: "If Ben ends up with me, horses are going to be a big part of our life together". Lindzi, don't you understand that Ben is constantly on the move, his schedule is unpredictable and he never knows where he'll be next! He can't be tied down with a horse.
The wind is not doing Lindzi's hair any favors. Ben has never done his hair any favors.
Ben seems a little annoyed that Lindzi went out with other people before he met her. That bitch.
Ben kisses her, and does the rare double lick of his lips! Have you people been picking up on this? He licks his lips right before every kiss in a really gross way. This time, possibly because of the windy conditions, he doubled up. Here he is mid-lick...
We meet Lindzi's parents, and guess what they want to do? Carriage racing! Ugh, enough with the horses. Maybe this is why Lindzi is forced to whore herself out to a reality show just to find a man. She's probably rejected tons of awesome dudes just because they wanted to drive a car instead of saddling up.
We hear a lot about Lindzi's heart break with her last boyfriend, but don't get any real specifics on why she got dumped. My guess is he horsed around on her.
Lindzi is an only child. Huge surprise there. Her favorite TV show is Luck. Favorite movie actress: Julia Roberts. Favorite TV actress: Sarah Jessica Parker. Football player? Peyton Manning. She's strongly in favor of the new rule adopted by the NFL which penalizes teams 15 yards for horse collar tackles. Face masks? Well, that's a horse of a different color.
Kacie is next. She's from Tennessee. A high school band greets Ben, along with Kacie. She looks like a mess. Oh, it's raining. This girl's hair needs pristine conditions to look okay. She's like the boy in the bubble, if her hair leaves that bubble it will die, and by die I mean turn into an afro.
Kacie tells Ben that her dad is a probation officer and doesn't drink, she says "we're in the Bible belt, Ben". This is a slight problem because Ben pretends to make wine for a living. Thank God it's all a lie.
We meet Kacie's mom, dad, and sister. They appear to all be white. She looks nothing like her dad. It's possible that her mom banged Steve McNair. RIP.
Kacie's sister is cute in a backwoods, cousin fucking way. I'd say it's a toss up between the two.
Ben always acts like he's shocked that he likes someone. "She's really surprised me!" Shut up, you're lucky to be here, stop acting like you're not.
Kacie's mom is a huge fan of the Bachelor, as a TV show. So she knows how this is all playing out, I like it. She doesn't want Ben and Kacie to live together before getting hitched. Considering the circumstances, it's a very strange concern. I mean, she knows the Fantasy Suites are coming up next week. I'd be much more worried about what Ben intends to do with his penis on national TV.
Kacie's parents are emphatic about her not living in sin. They are so against that. I will never understand the south.
Her dad says that if Ben asked for his permission to marry her, he would say no. These are the people who vote for Rick Santorum.
Nicki's up next, she's from Fort Worth, Texas. I feel so sad for Nikki's body. Her face is fine, her boobs are good, but she is really shaped like a pear. She has the anti-Courtney body.
Since they're in Texas they have to go shopping for cowboy boots and hats. Is the Civil War still being fought?
Ben: "I don't think you're beating a dead horse". Thank God he didn't say that to Lindzi.
Ben seems more affectionate with Nicki.
Nicki is a good person. A real, normal, good person. She's making me feel bad about the pear thing. But wait...incoming!
We meet Nicki's mom, dad, and brother. Her parents have been divorced almost her whole life. The way Nicki is talking to her mom, it seems like she's in love with the idea of being married. I think she wants to make up for what her parents didn't have. There's some fairy tale life she thinks she missed out on growing up. And she's wrong.
I love Nicki's dad. He feels bad for letting Nicki marry that good for nothin', sum bitch. He cries. Rednecks, they're just like us. Except racist.
Ben didn't touch his supper.
Guys, this might sound crazy, that I'm falling for the editing, but Nicki is moving up my list. Now I think it could be Nicki vs. Courtney, with the more obvious, more reasonable finale being Nicki vs. Kacie.
Courtney's turn, so Ben heads to Crazy Town, Arizona. Courtney says she hasn't been with a guy who didn't break her heart or let her down, but Ben is different. Yeah, he is different, he's not cool or good looking.
We meet Courtney's mom, dad, and sister. She looks just like her mom. Her mom is skeptical. She sort of implies that while Ben is polite, he's clearly not at the Courtney level. He's not pure evil enough.
Courtney keeps saying two things: that she's "falling" for Ben, and that all men have "betrayed" her. I don't believe either one, but I hope the betrayed thing is true.
She takes him for a picnic where a wedding is setup. Courtney is wearing white. She announces that they are going to write vows. She also brought a bow tie for him. It's all annoying and lame.
They exchange vows. Just what all guys love to do! Why have just one wedding when you can have a bunch of fake ones?
Courtney plagiarized her vows from "Sex and the City". Seriously, she does. She can't even come up with real words to say to him. I think she's using this as her audition reel.
She reveals that she's in love with him. Ben probably believes it.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Oh man, Nicki just lost all of the goodwill she built up with the dress she is wearing. Yikes. "Do you have that in a size dumpy?"
COURTNEY - the dream lives
LINDZI - WHAT THE HELL?!! I just yelled at the TV and now my voice is horse.
NICKI - unreal.
I can't believe he got rid of Kacie, but here's an important thing to note: Kacie's dad very specifically told Ben if you're not going all the way with Kacie, let her go now. That has to be what this is, but still...she was the front runner in my book.
It's not so much that Kacie's going home, it's that she's going home and Lindzi is still here. Lindzi is ridiculous, I barely remember that she's even on the show.
Ben says goodbye to Kacie and she is totally cool about it. Until...
Kacie does the limo cry. She squeals "Why am I not good enough, like, I don't get it!" And "this is why I don't love, this is why! I loved him and I don't know what to do now. How did this happen? What the fuck happened? What the fuck happened?!"
So unfortunate, yet so funny. Oh Kacie, don't go out like that. It's only Ben. It's only Ben!
To me, this means that Courtney "wins". I see no other way.
Next week: we're off to Switzerland. It's majestic. And the producers send in one of the rejected girls to talk shit about Courtney. Well, at least they're trying.
Goodnight.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Pilot Update
Sorry, I've forgotten to provide an update on my pilot situation. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of exciting things to say.
If things had gone right, I'd be talking casting right now. Directors. Awful network notes. I'd probably have to pretend that some celebrity that I've previously shit on is now awesome because they are doing my show! "I know that I've said I don't like bangs, but they look really good on Liv Tyler".
But alas, it was not to be. So I can still say that Liv Tyler and her bangs are the worst. And the truth is, this news isn't all bad...
So last year, as you may recall, I sold a one hour pilot. I did not sell it directly to a network. I sold it to a very large production company, the kind that produces a shitload of shows on TV for all of the networks.
They thought the idea might be right for a big time feature director they have under a development deal. So they hooked me up with the president of that director's production company.
The guy calls me and we arrange a meeting. For some reason, it happens at a deli. This is very confusing to me - am I supposed to pitch the show at a deli? Will we order grilled cheeses? Will the people at other tables hear me make a fool of myself? I'm not a deli man! But if you would've told me it was at a Jamba Juice I'd be your huckleberry.
Well, we indeed meet at a deli. I repeatedly ask, "should I start now?" Finally, he gives me the go ahead. And just as I start in on my opener, the waiter comes over. He orders food. I order a lemonade.
I start again. I'm 2 minutes in and the lemonade comes. I press on. I manage to wrap it up before his sandwich comes. He smiles, he likes it. I can work delis!
So now me and the director are a team, along with the production company. Now we have to go to the networks and pitch the show together. They felt it was possibly right for NBC, ABC, and Fox, so that's where we went with it. The pitches went fine. I did my song and dance, they asked really good questions, and that was that.
All three networks passed.
Bummer.
But, that's not the end of things. Because the production company has to pay me! Yay! And also, this now reverts to a blind script deal. So I pretty much have to come up with something and try to sell it again and write a script, etc. Nothing is over until we say it's over!
In the mean time, they made me pitch the same show to the cable arm of their company. And the cable arm liked the idea and wanted to pitch it to the cable world. With one caveat: they wanted me to pitch it as a half hour.
At first I was happy with this. After all, I had put a lot of work in on the idea. But as I was converting it to a half hour "comedy", I realized this sucked. Why? Because kinda the whole point of the show idea was to do a big network version of an idea that normally only exists on cable. Transferring it to cable made it seem like a lame version of a cable show.
On the other hand, I'd love to have my own show on cable so what the hell am I complaining about?
So that's where I'm at. I'm gonna do my song and dance again and see what happens. If there's no takers, I can go back to trying to do a network show with them. It's really all good, but I'd love to be able to get past the pitch stage and start the annoying notes stage. If only I could do these network pitches at a deli.
If things had gone right, I'd be talking casting right now. Directors. Awful network notes. I'd probably have to pretend that some celebrity that I've previously shit on is now awesome because they are doing my show! "I know that I've said I don't like bangs, but they look really good on Liv Tyler".
But alas, it was not to be. So I can still say that Liv Tyler and her bangs are the worst. And the truth is, this news isn't all bad...
So last year, as you may recall, I sold a one hour pilot. I did not sell it directly to a network. I sold it to a very large production company, the kind that produces a shitload of shows on TV for all of the networks.
They thought the idea might be right for a big time feature director they have under a development deal. So they hooked me up with the president of that director's production company.
The guy calls me and we arrange a meeting. For some reason, it happens at a deli. This is very confusing to me - am I supposed to pitch the show at a deli? Will we order grilled cheeses? Will the people at other tables hear me make a fool of myself? I'm not a deli man! But if you would've told me it was at a Jamba Juice I'd be your huckleberry.
Well, we indeed meet at a deli. I repeatedly ask, "should I start now?" Finally, he gives me the go ahead. And just as I start in on my opener, the waiter comes over. He orders food. I order a lemonade.
I start again. I'm 2 minutes in and the lemonade comes. I press on. I manage to wrap it up before his sandwich comes. He smiles, he likes it. I can work delis!
So now me and the director are a team, along with the production company. Now we have to go to the networks and pitch the show together. They felt it was possibly right for NBC, ABC, and Fox, so that's where we went with it. The pitches went fine. I did my song and dance, they asked really good questions, and that was that.
All three networks passed.
Bummer.
But, that's not the end of things. Because the production company has to pay me! Yay! And also, this now reverts to a blind script deal. So I pretty much have to come up with something and try to sell it again and write a script, etc. Nothing is over until we say it's over!
In the mean time, they made me pitch the same show to the cable arm of their company. And the cable arm liked the idea and wanted to pitch it to the cable world. With one caveat: they wanted me to pitch it as a half hour.
At first I was happy with this. After all, I had put a lot of work in on the idea. But as I was converting it to a half hour "comedy", I realized this sucked. Why? Because kinda the whole point of the show idea was to do a big network version of an idea that normally only exists on cable. Transferring it to cable made it seem like a lame version of a cable show.
On the other hand, I'd love to have my own show on cable so what the hell am I complaining about?
So that's where I'm at. I'm gonna do my song and dance again and see what happens. If there's no takers, I can go back to trying to do a network show with them. It's really all good, but I'd love to be able to get past the pitch stage and start the annoying notes stage. If only I could do these network pitches at a deli.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Ben the Bachelor No One Wanted, Ep 7: Mutiny
We've moved to Belize. 6 women will be reduced to 4. I don't see Emily surviving this. Or Rachel. Or Lindzi. Wait, that's too many, can this just be the final episode?
I have been remiss not to mention Emily's "rapping". She might be the only girl on this show that has an actual personality. Well, Courtney has a personality if you count evil whore as a personality.
Emily compares Ben to a piece of cheesecake in swimming trunks. Since I find cheesecake disgusting, I agree with her.
Bachelor Copter! Ben and Lindzi fly over something called "the blue hole". The blue hole is not to be confused with the black hole, which is the nickname Ben has given Courtney's pussy. Why do they keep setting me up for Courtney's pussy jokes? It's not fair.
Ben tells Lindzi that they are going to jump off the helicopter into the blue hole. This harkens back to a grand Bachelor tradition - forcing people to do life threatening things in the name of love and TV. For some reason, they insist that being with someone should involve almost dying. If they really felt that way, they wouldn't make all the girls clear an STD test.
The wind from the blades of the helicopter force Ben's hair into a Bieber, and it's even more ridiculous than his hair is on a calm day.
Later, they're on a deck for dinner. They're walking along and there's this whole thing setup, with candles and food and everything, and Lindzi goes "Is this us?" Ha! No, an episode of Elimidate is scheduled to shoot here in about 20 minutes.
There's so much going on with Lindzi's head that it's hard to capture here. Hair is in a thousand directions, her mouth isn't good, there might be eyebrow issues, I don't know. She's got the elements of pretty, but if pretty were hit by a shovel and then caught in a hurricane.
Lindzi forces out a "I really like you, I definitely am...falling". It's really not believable at all. She doesn't give a shit about Ben. But hey, you ride in on a horse, you better stay in the saddle. That's a saying, right?
They write a fairy tale about themselves and put it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean. I feel bad for whoever gets that bottle because they can't fast forward through it like I'm doing.
Emily gets the next one on one date. They ride bikes together. Then they force this poor local man to participate in a little play that results in him taking them diving for lobsters. People in third world countries are the real victims of this show.
Ben catches a lobster. He hasn't had seafood since that time he went skinny dipping and ate...Courtney's pussy! God Damn, I apologize, it's not me, it's them.
Back at the hotel, Courtney cries. She says that she really liked him, and doesn't know how much more she can take. I don't know what the hell she is talking about, but I'm pretty sure it's just a ploy for more camera time.
Why does everyone always say "I know my family will absolutely love you"? Does anyone's family ever really love the person you're going out with? What are the percentages on that? I'd say 70-30 hate. Here's a news flash, most of your families suck, and anyone that they love probably sucks too.
Courtney gets the next one on one and brags about it. This prompts Kacie B, who is the nicest person in the world, to call her a "fucking bitch". Well, not to her face, to us. But still. Here's Kacie B's face as Courtney gloats:
Oh no she didn't! I told you she's black, no white girl can make that face.
Courtney says something that I think is actually good. She says "Ben needs to step his game up". Now, do you think any of these other girls think that way? Hell no. They think, what do I need to do to get a rose? Courtney has it right. And the fact is, that's the way the other girls will start thinking once the show ends, when they come to their senses and immediately break up with him and go on the Bachelor Pad.
Courtney barrages Ben with all of her complaints. She tells him she "lost the spark, babe". It's hard for me to read Ben's face as to how he feels about this, but I assume he's thinking "boobs, boobs, skinny dipping, boobs".
Of course, Ben falls right into it and tells her he's "amazed that she's hung on the whole time". You know that she's a model, right? You should be amazed that she's restrained herself from fucking the camera.
Together they climb the stairs of a Mayan temple. Courtney says that each step they took felt like it was another step in their relationship. Which step is the one where you sell your story to Us Weekly and start dating Pauly Shore?
Ben somehow feels even better about what they have because Courtney lost the spark. Man, she knows what to say to get insecure dorks to do exactly what she wants. If you hadn't watched the show before and just watched this date, you'd think Courtney was the Bachelorette and Ben was one of many guys. She's gotten him to beg her to meet her family. Bravo.
Courtney kisses Ben for a second then pulls away. Then she kisses him again and he literally has to hold her head to keep her from recoiling again.
Courtney pretends her hands are guns and says in an interview "that's the kill shot!". Fuck, she is the greatest Bachelor girl of all time. Unfortunately, that's hard to know for sure because the level of competition (Ben) is so low. It's like the Globetrotters against the Generals over here. Don't be surprised if Ben falls for the old bucket filled with confetti trick.
Courtney starts to get diarrhea of the mouth about the other girls, and we know how Ben feels about that. He starts to get a little suspicious. She's saying awful things about girls that he knows are nice people. He asks, "do you have friends back home?" Ha. She says "I have a lot of guy friends". No, you don't. You have guys who have sex with you.
Group date. Kacie, Nikki, and Rachel. There is a rose on the line. Ben surprises the girls and wakes them up at 4am. Kind of weird - the girls are sharing beds. Nice budget, ABC!
If I was a producer for this show and my goal was to find the right girl for Ben, I'd be pretty pleased with myself for finding Nikki, Kacie, and Jennifer. That's about right for this guy. But will he realize it?
Ben takes the ladies on a boat and announces that they are going "shark diving". Kacie and Nikki squeal with delight. Rachel, not so much. She's not interested. And I say good for her! Fuck that noise. That's why you have a boat in the first place, to keep away from the sea creatures.
But no, Ben says "getting out of your comfort zone, and overcoming your fears is a huge part of a relationship". It is? Really? I thought they were for staying in your comfort zone. Why would I want someone who wants to make me swim with sharks and die? I want to die in a relationship the old fashioned way, by getting caught cheating and shot dead in a murder/suicide.
Poor Rachel It would make me so happy if she just walked away. Ben is not comforting at all, and is actually being a real dick. The first thing I would say is "you don't have to do this, it's no big deal at all". But he doesn't. He pressures her into doing it.
Rachel: "I need to show him that I can do this". No, you don't! You don't have to do anything of the sort.
And now the other girls are jealous because Ben is with Rachel the whole time. They're also jealous cause she has two things they don't have - boobs. I take that back, Nikki has boobs, but it's at the expense of her bulky lower body.
I'm pretty convinced that Ben couldn't do better than Nikki. Everything that is wrong with men is demonstrated by Ben liking Courtney more than her.
Kacie tells Ben that she's falling in love with him. Ben is a little caught off guard. She says that because she's falling in love with him, she wants her family to know him and know how important he is to her. That's funny, I'm the opposite. I like to hide girls from my family for as long as possible, just for the sport of it.
Ben gives the rose to Kacie. That has to be bad news for Rachel, I don't see how she survives this.
Courtney hates on Kacie: "she's a little girl in a little boy's body". Ouch.
Finally, Nikki can't take it anymore, neither can Kacie, and they tell Ben "we want you to be careful with Courtney". Nikki adds the kicker "just tread lightly". I love that because that's the same exact asshole phrase that Ben gave to Emily when she tried to warn him.
At long last, it might be getting through to Ben. Jeez. This has to be because of the shit Courtney was talking earlier. For her to hate on Kacie and the others like that, when they are so clearly nice, semi-normal girls, it just rang false. I will say though, a bad side effect of this talk is that Nikki is coming across like a mom or a sister.
The next night, they all get together for the rose ceremony. The girls talk. Courtney: "Ben's not the only guy in the world". And thank God for that. She's acting all retarded, she must've taken something. Let's hope it was the same shit Whitney was taking.
She gloats about how she's not worried at all, and makes this face a lot:
Guys, Rachel is pretty great looking. Let's not forget that.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I will say, if Bachelor tradition holds, the person who "isn't there to make friends" usually goes home before the hometown visits.
Before Ben gives out roses, he says he needs to talk to Courtney real quick. They chat. He asks her, "are you here for the right reasons?" Nice job, Columbo, I'm sure you'll get to the truth that way.
Back to the ceremony:
NIKKI - interesting, she was on the bubble
LINDZI - gross. That puts Emily on bubble watch!
COURTNEY - boom.
But the real stunner is Lindzi. Why?! Emily is better than her. Rachel is hotter than her. Ben refuses to do anything that I would find remotely smart and good.
Uh oh, when Rachel cries she talks like a deaf person! A deaf person with a German accent! What is happening? They had to subtitle her. That was awesome. I don't know what language she was speaking, but it was enjoyable.
The ending is really odd. Ben doesn't even walk them out. It's just sort of like, "bye!" If I were Emily I wouldnt' be able to resist giving a parting shot about Courtney. Oh well, maybe she's saving it for the girls tell all.
Next week: we find out Kacie isn't black.
I have been remiss not to mention Emily's "rapping". She might be the only girl on this show that has an actual personality. Well, Courtney has a personality if you count evil whore as a personality.
Emily compares Ben to a piece of cheesecake in swimming trunks. Since I find cheesecake disgusting, I agree with her.
Bachelor Copter! Ben and Lindzi fly over something called "the blue hole". The blue hole is not to be confused with the black hole, which is the nickname Ben has given Courtney's pussy. Why do they keep setting me up for Courtney's pussy jokes? It's not fair.
Ben tells Lindzi that they are going to jump off the helicopter into the blue hole. This harkens back to a grand Bachelor tradition - forcing people to do life threatening things in the name of love and TV. For some reason, they insist that being with someone should involve almost dying. If they really felt that way, they wouldn't make all the girls clear an STD test.
The wind from the blades of the helicopter force Ben's hair into a Bieber, and it's even more ridiculous than his hair is on a calm day.
Later, they're on a deck for dinner. They're walking along and there's this whole thing setup, with candles and food and everything, and Lindzi goes "Is this us?" Ha! No, an episode of Elimidate is scheduled to shoot here in about 20 minutes.
There's so much going on with Lindzi's head that it's hard to capture here. Hair is in a thousand directions, her mouth isn't good, there might be eyebrow issues, I don't know. She's got the elements of pretty, but if pretty were hit by a shovel and then caught in a hurricane.
Lindzi forces out a "I really like you, I definitely am...falling". It's really not believable at all. She doesn't give a shit about Ben. But hey, you ride in on a horse, you better stay in the saddle. That's a saying, right?
They write a fairy tale about themselves and put it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean. I feel bad for whoever gets that bottle because they can't fast forward through it like I'm doing.
Emily gets the next one on one date. They ride bikes together. Then they force this poor local man to participate in a little play that results in him taking them diving for lobsters. People in third world countries are the real victims of this show.
Ben catches a lobster. He hasn't had seafood since that time he went skinny dipping and ate...Courtney's pussy! God Damn, I apologize, it's not me, it's them.
Back at the hotel, Courtney cries. She says that she really liked him, and doesn't know how much more she can take. I don't know what the hell she is talking about, but I'm pretty sure it's just a ploy for more camera time.
Why does everyone always say "I know my family will absolutely love you"? Does anyone's family ever really love the person you're going out with? What are the percentages on that? I'd say 70-30 hate. Here's a news flash, most of your families suck, and anyone that they love probably sucks too.
Courtney gets the next one on one and brags about it. This prompts Kacie B, who is the nicest person in the world, to call her a "fucking bitch". Well, not to her face, to us. But still. Here's Kacie B's face as Courtney gloats:
Oh no she didn't! I told you she's black, no white girl can make that face.
Courtney says something that I think is actually good. She says "Ben needs to step his game up". Now, do you think any of these other girls think that way? Hell no. They think, what do I need to do to get a rose? Courtney has it right. And the fact is, that's the way the other girls will start thinking once the show ends, when they come to their senses and immediately break up with him and go on the Bachelor Pad.
Courtney barrages Ben with all of her complaints. She tells him she "lost the spark, babe". It's hard for me to read Ben's face as to how he feels about this, but I assume he's thinking "boobs, boobs, skinny dipping, boobs".
Of course, Ben falls right into it and tells her he's "amazed that she's hung on the whole time". You know that she's a model, right? You should be amazed that she's restrained herself from fucking the camera.
Together they climb the stairs of a Mayan temple. Courtney says that each step they took felt like it was another step in their relationship. Which step is the one where you sell your story to Us Weekly and start dating Pauly Shore?
Ben somehow feels even better about what they have because Courtney lost the spark. Man, she knows what to say to get insecure dorks to do exactly what she wants. If you hadn't watched the show before and just watched this date, you'd think Courtney was the Bachelorette and Ben was one of many guys. She's gotten him to beg her to meet her family. Bravo.
Courtney kisses Ben for a second then pulls away. Then she kisses him again and he literally has to hold her head to keep her from recoiling again.
Courtney pretends her hands are guns and says in an interview "that's the kill shot!". Fuck, she is the greatest Bachelor girl of all time. Unfortunately, that's hard to know for sure because the level of competition (Ben) is so low. It's like the Globetrotters against the Generals over here. Don't be surprised if Ben falls for the old bucket filled with confetti trick.
Courtney starts to get diarrhea of the mouth about the other girls, and we know how Ben feels about that. He starts to get a little suspicious. She's saying awful things about girls that he knows are nice people. He asks, "do you have friends back home?" Ha. She says "I have a lot of guy friends". No, you don't. You have guys who have sex with you.
Group date. Kacie, Nikki, and Rachel. There is a rose on the line. Ben surprises the girls and wakes them up at 4am. Kind of weird - the girls are sharing beds. Nice budget, ABC!
If I was a producer for this show and my goal was to find the right girl for Ben, I'd be pretty pleased with myself for finding Nikki, Kacie, and Jennifer. That's about right for this guy. But will he realize it?
Ben takes the ladies on a boat and announces that they are going "shark diving". Kacie and Nikki squeal with delight. Rachel, not so much. She's not interested. And I say good for her! Fuck that noise. That's why you have a boat in the first place, to keep away from the sea creatures.
But no, Ben says "getting out of your comfort zone, and overcoming your fears is a huge part of a relationship". It is? Really? I thought they were for staying in your comfort zone. Why would I want someone who wants to make me swim with sharks and die? I want to die in a relationship the old fashioned way, by getting caught cheating and shot dead in a murder/suicide.
Poor Rachel It would make me so happy if she just walked away. Ben is not comforting at all, and is actually being a real dick. The first thing I would say is "you don't have to do this, it's no big deal at all". But he doesn't. He pressures her into doing it.
Rachel: "I need to show him that I can do this". No, you don't! You don't have to do anything of the sort.
And now the other girls are jealous because Ben is with Rachel the whole time. They're also jealous cause she has two things they don't have - boobs. I take that back, Nikki has boobs, but it's at the expense of her bulky lower body.
I'm pretty convinced that Ben couldn't do better than Nikki. Everything that is wrong with men is demonstrated by Ben liking Courtney more than her.
Kacie tells Ben that she's falling in love with him. Ben is a little caught off guard. She says that because she's falling in love with him, she wants her family to know him and know how important he is to her. That's funny, I'm the opposite. I like to hide girls from my family for as long as possible, just for the sport of it.
Ben gives the rose to Kacie. That has to be bad news for Rachel, I don't see how she survives this.
Courtney hates on Kacie: "she's a little girl in a little boy's body". Ouch.
Finally, Nikki can't take it anymore, neither can Kacie, and they tell Ben "we want you to be careful with Courtney". Nikki adds the kicker "just tread lightly". I love that because that's the same exact asshole phrase that Ben gave to Emily when she tried to warn him.
At long last, it might be getting through to Ben. Jeez. This has to be because of the shit Courtney was talking earlier. For her to hate on Kacie and the others like that, when they are so clearly nice, semi-normal girls, it just rang false. I will say though, a bad side effect of this talk is that Nikki is coming across like a mom or a sister.
The next night, they all get together for the rose ceremony. The girls talk. Courtney: "Ben's not the only guy in the world". And thank God for that. She's acting all retarded, she must've taken something. Let's hope it was the same shit Whitney was taking.
She gloats about how she's not worried at all, and makes this face a lot:
Guys, Rachel is pretty great looking. Let's not forget that.
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
I will say, if Bachelor tradition holds, the person who "isn't there to make friends" usually goes home before the hometown visits.
Before Ben gives out roses, he says he needs to talk to Courtney real quick. They chat. He asks her, "are you here for the right reasons?" Nice job, Columbo, I'm sure you'll get to the truth that way.
Back to the ceremony:
NIKKI - interesting, she was on the bubble
LINDZI - gross. That puts Emily on bubble watch!
COURTNEY - boom.
But the real stunner is Lindzi. Why?! Emily is better than her. Rachel is hotter than her. Ben refuses to do anything that I would find remotely smart and good.
Uh oh, when Rachel cries she talks like a deaf person! A deaf person with a German accent! What is happening? They had to subtitle her. That was awesome. I don't know what language she was speaking, but it was enjoyable.
The ending is really odd. Ben doesn't even walk them out. It's just sort of like, "bye!" If I were Emily I wouldnt' be able to resist giving a parting shot about Courtney. Oh well, maybe she's saving it for the girls tell all.
Next week: we find out Kacie isn't black.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
In Defense of Chris Brown
It's never a good idea, as a man or in general, to defend a guy who beat a woman. But fuck it, I'm gonna do it.
The Grammy's were on tonight, and the internet was abuzz over the fact that they allowed Chris Brown to perform. There were many angry tweets about it, and more specifically, there was this article about how we all should be furious that Chris Brown was at the Grammys.
This is basically the Michael Vick argument all over again. One side says that Michael Vick should not be allowed to play football in the NFL. The other side says he went to jail and paid his price and should be allowed to make a living. I think Chris Brown should be allowed to make a living.
The author of that article writes:
"A man who hits a woman in anger deserves to be reported to the authorities and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, regardless of who might be inconvenienced in the process."
He was. He was given 5 years of probation and 180 hours of community service.
"A man who hits a woman in anger may eventually be permitted to go on with his own life...but he is not permitted back in my life, even if it’s been three whole years."
How does "your life" include the Grammys? Is that in the Constitution - life, liberty, and watching a dumb awards show?
And I didn't hear her complain when he performed on the BET awards. What kind of racist shit is that? I guess the BET awards aren't involved in her life, maybe she should keep everyone notified of her TV viewing habits.
She also brings up the "what if it was your sister?" question. Well, I have 2 sisters. And if one of them were punched by a multi-platinum singer, as awful as that would be, I don't think I'd be surprised to see him on a show about singers.
Just as if one of them were punched by a dock worker (do people still work at the docks? is it all automated now? i don't know), I wouldn't be shocked to see the guy working the docks.
But none of this is my real point. Here are the 2 things:
1) Chris Brown's album WAS the best r&b album of the year. And I say that as probably one of the only people who still buys full length r&b albums, and as a staunch R. Kelly fan. I can't help it, it was the best album. He earned the award.
It's just like OJ Simpson - no matter how many people he murders, it can't change the fact that the dude could run with the ball extremely well. Chris Brown made a great album. Sorry.
2) Chris Brown and Rihanna are going out again.
Now, this second point is a tough one. I mean, holy shit, they're going out again? And it's not like she just went back with him immediately after, like she was still under his spell. No, she got away from him, for multiple years, went out with other guys, and she chose to get back into a relationship again. This tells me that:
Rihanna is less angry at Chris Brown than the people who didn't want him to be on the Grammys.
This doesn't make him any less of an asshole. He's definitely an asshole and a bad guy, but I don't think I should be more angry than Rihanna. She was there, I wasn't. And if she's cool enough with him to go back and suck his wiener, then I think I can be fine with watching him on a very trivial awards show. After all, he did do the time, and this is his job.
The Grammy's were on tonight, and the internet was abuzz over the fact that they allowed Chris Brown to perform. There were many angry tweets about it, and more specifically, there was this article about how we all should be furious that Chris Brown was at the Grammys.
This is basically the Michael Vick argument all over again. One side says that Michael Vick should not be allowed to play football in the NFL. The other side says he went to jail and paid his price and should be allowed to make a living. I think Chris Brown should be allowed to make a living.
The author of that article writes:
"A man who hits a woman in anger deserves to be reported to the authorities and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, regardless of who might be inconvenienced in the process."
He was. He was given 5 years of probation and 180 hours of community service.
"A man who hits a woman in anger may eventually be permitted to go on with his own life...but he is not permitted back in my life, even if it’s been three whole years."
How does "your life" include the Grammys? Is that in the Constitution - life, liberty, and watching a dumb awards show?
And I didn't hear her complain when he performed on the BET awards. What kind of racist shit is that? I guess the BET awards aren't involved in her life, maybe she should keep everyone notified of her TV viewing habits.
She also brings up the "what if it was your sister?" question. Well, I have 2 sisters. And if one of them were punched by a multi-platinum singer, as awful as that would be, I don't think I'd be surprised to see him on a show about singers.
Just as if one of them were punched by a dock worker (do people still work at the docks? is it all automated now? i don't know), I wouldn't be shocked to see the guy working the docks.
But none of this is my real point. Here are the 2 things:
1) Chris Brown's album WAS the best r&b album of the year. And I say that as probably one of the only people who still buys full length r&b albums, and as a staunch R. Kelly fan. I can't help it, it was the best album. He earned the award.
It's just like OJ Simpson - no matter how many people he murders, it can't change the fact that the dude could run with the ball extremely well. Chris Brown made a great album. Sorry.
2) Chris Brown and Rihanna are going out again.
Now, this second point is a tough one. I mean, holy shit, they're going out again? And it's not like she just went back with him immediately after, like she was still under his spell. No, she got away from him, for multiple years, went out with other guys, and she chose to get back into a relationship again. This tells me that:
Rihanna is less angry at Chris Brown than the people who didn't want him to be on the Grammys.
This doesn't make him any less of an asshole. He's definitely an asshole and a bad guy, but I don't think I should be more angry than Rihanna. She was there, I wasn't. And if she's cool enough with him to go back and suck his wiener, then I think I can be fine with watching him on a very trivial awards show. After all, he did do the time, and this is his job.
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