EXT. THE SHACK - ESTABLISHING
The Shack is a little hamburger place near the beach in Playa Del Rey, which is just north of LAX and just south of Marina Del Rey and Venice Beach.
INT. THE SHACK - DAY
KOBE BRYANT sits at one of the outdoor tables by himself, drinking a water. The sun reflects off of his dark sunglasses. He looks up when he sees:
The long legs and even longer shoulders of COACH PHIL JACKSON. He comes outside and the two men shake hands.
PHIL JACKSON
Thanks for meeting with me, Kobe.
KOBE
No problem, Coach. How ya been?
PHIL JACKSON
Good, good. I just got done swimming in the Indian Ocean, where I discovered the lost city of Atlantis, and then dug up and interpreted some sea scrolls, and then meditated with Buddhists while smoking a giant bong of holy weed. Well actually, I don’t know about the other stuff but I do know I definitely smoked a giant bong of holy weed.
(beat)
What have you been up to?
KOBE
The usual. Alienating fans, losing games, ball hogging.
PHIL JACKSON
Nice. How’s the wife?
KOBE
Don’t ask.
PHIL JACKSON
Still not giving up the dirty place, huh?
KOBE
Nope. She just doesn’t understand the concept of being a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.
PHIL JACKSON
I know what you mean. That’s why I like Jeannie - she was in Playboy, you know.
(beat)
Oh, and she also has a billion dollars and a controlling interest in a team I’d like to own.
KOBE
That’s a good woman.
PHIL JACKSON
And she doesn’t mind if I get a little anal with the hotel help, if you know what I mean.
KOBE
Damn! Why’d I get married so young to such a crazy bitch?!?
PHIL JACKSON
Tried to warn you.
KOBE
I know. It’s almost as if I only like them if they’re money grubbing psychos. You’d think that would translate to good times in the sack but it never does.
(beat)
But have you seen Vanessa? Girl is fine.
PHIL JACKSON
True. But you gotta stop with the fame-whores, and just go with the whores.
KOBE
Learned that the hard way.
(beat)
Well, let’s get down to business. What do you think about the team?
PHIL JACKSON
I think I liked it better when it had a 7 foot 2 black man who no one could stop.
KOBE
Hey, we got Mihm...and Brian Grant. And don’t forget about Slava.
PHIL JACKSON
Believe me, I can’t forget that.
(beat)
Here’s the thing, Kobe. I kinda only like to coach teams that are really, really good. I mean, actual coaching doesn’t interest me.
KOBE
I understand.
PHIL JACKSON
Maybe if it was you, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, and Tim Duncan I’d be interested. You know, I could come in, and expertly guide you to the championship with some of my Zen philosophy that turns the best players in the world into the best players in the world.
KOBE
I know, Coach. But we really need you. It turns out I was wrong. And the worst part of it all is that when we don’t make the playoffs, that means more time with Vanessa.
PHIL JACKSON
Brutal.
KOBE
I know. So can’t you make an exception in this case?
PHIL JACKSON
Well, if I did this, I’d need a couple promises.
KOBE
Name 'em.
PHIL JACKSON
First, I think it would be a good idea if you started to have some paternity suits filed against you, and maybe even another rape charge.
KOBE
Really? Why?
PHIL JACKSON
Think about it, Kobe. Every time you choppered in from Colorado, you’d put up 40 and even pass the ball!
KOBE
I did, didn’t I?
PHIL JACKSON
Something about you being in court before coming onto the court took your game to the next level.
KOBE
You’re right. Consider it done.
PHIL JACKSON
Good, but there’s one other thing we have to do. We need a big man.
KOBE
I know, but where are going to find one. Trade up and get Andrew Bogut?
PHIL JACKSON
Are you crazy? Big white guys can’t play basketball - look at Eric Montross, Mark Madsen, Drew Malm - the list goes on and on.
KOBE
So what do we do?
PHIL JACKSON
We thaw out Wilt Chamberlain’s cryogenically frozen body, cure him of syphillis, and put him on the court with you.
KOBE
Wow! We can do that?
PHIL JACKSON
Of course we can! But keep in mind I’m still high from the giant Buddhist bong of holy weed.
Thanks for meeting with me, Kobe.
KOBE
No problem, Coach. How ya been?
They sit down.
PHIL JACKSON
Good, good. I just got done swimming in the Indian Ocean, where I discovered the lost city of Atlantis, and then dug up and interpreted some sea scrolls, and then meditated with Buddhists while smoking a giant bong of holy weed. Well actually, I don’t know about the other stuff but I do know I definitely smoked a giant bong of holy weed.
(beat)
What have you been up to?
KOBE
The usual. Alienating fans, losing games, ball hogging.
PHIL JACKSON
Nice. How’s the wife?
KOBE
Don’t ask.
PHIL JACKSON
Still not giving up the dirty place, huh?
KOBE
Nope. She just doesn’t understand the concept of being a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.
PHIL JACKSON
I know what you mean. That’s why I like Jeannie - she was in Playboy, you know.
(beat)
Oh, and she also has a billion dollars and a controlling interest in a team I’d like to own.
KOBE
That’s a good woman.
PHIL JACKSON
And she doesn’t mind if I get a little anal with the hotel help, if you know what I mean.
KOBE
Damn! Why’d I get married so young to such a crazy bitch?!?
PHIL JACKSON
Tried to warn you.
KOBE
I know. It’s almost as if I only like them if they’re money grubbing psychos. You’d think that would translate to good times in the sack but it never does.
(beat)
But have you seen Vanessa? Girl is fine.
PHIL JACKSON
True. But you gotta stop with the fame-whores, and just go with the whores.
KOBE
Learned that the hard way.
(beat)
Well, let’s get down to business. What do you think about the team?
PHIL JACKSON
I think I liked it better when it had a 7 foot 2 black man who no one could stop.
KOBE
Hey, we got Mihm...and Brian Grant. And don’t forget about Slava.
PHIL JACKSON
Believe me, I can’t forget that.
(beat)
Here’s the thing, Kobe. I kinda only like to coach teams that are really, really good. I mean, actual coaching doesn’t interest me.
KOBE
I understand.
PHIL JACKSON
Maybe if it was you, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, and Tim Duncan I’d be interested. You know, I could come in, and expertly guide you to the championship with some of my Zen philosophy that turns the best players in the world into the best players in the world.
KOBE
I know, Coach. But we really need you. It turns out I was wrong. And the worst part of it all is that when we don’t make the playoffs, that means more time with Vanessa.
PHIL JACKSON
Brutal.
KOBE
I know. So can’t you make an exception in this case?
PHIL JACKSON
Well, if I did this, I’d need a couple promises.
KOBE
Name 'em.
PHIL JACKSON
First, I think it would be a good idea if you started to have some paternity suits filed against you, and maybe even another rape charge.
KOBE
Really? Why?
PHIL JACKSON
Think about it, Kobe. Every time you choppered in from Colorado, you’d put up 40 and even pass the ball!
KOBE
I did, didn’t I?
PHIL JACKSON
Something about you being in court before coming onto the court took your game to the next level.
KOBE
You’re right. Consider it done.
PHIL JACKSON
Good, but there’s one other thing we have to do. We need a big man.
KOBE
I know, but where are going to find one. Trade up and get Andrew Bogut?
Phil laughs.
PHIL JACKSON
Are you crazy? Big white guys can’t play basketball - look at Eric Montross, Mark Madsen, Drew Malm - the list goes on and on.
KOBE
So what do we do?
PHIL JACKSON
We thaw out Wilt Chamberlain’s cryogenically frozen body, cure him of syphillis, and put him on the court with you.
KOBE
Wow! We can do that?
PHIL JACKSON
Of course we can! But keep in mind I’m still high from the giant Buddhist bong of holy weed.
FADE OUT:
1 comment:
Funny stuff--
(Just found your blog and I've read more than 2 entries which is quite the statement of your staying power, so to speak.)
--not sure about them at that location, but you did put me in the mood ... for a burger at The Shack.
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