I write jokes for a living. And that knack for hitting people's funny bone has shot me straight up the Hollywood ladder right up into the rarefied air of the unemployment line. It's amazing what a sense of humor will get you in this world, in my case, suckling off the government's teet. So now you understand that you're reading a comedy genius so talented, American taxpayers pay him to sit around thinking up the funny. But I am not a selfish man. I'm not the type to use my God given ability to earn a tremendous amount of Government cheese and not share it with you all, the commoners. So here, good people, are a few easy steps to writing jokes so you too can consistently not get work.
Wait, before you get scared that I'll be like a magician who reveals trade secrets, remember, no one will hire me anyway! What can they do at this point? Not hire me more? I don't think so.
1. Find a story - almost any story works, but one's that include the words "Federline" or "sex tape" are usually gold mines
2. Begin the second sentence with one of the "magic phrases" (copyright: Handleman 2005) - the "magic phrases", which is a phrase that, as you can see, I've trademarked, are these: "In a related story..." "Upon hearing the news..." "Critics/Experts say...", "(Person from the story) says that he..."
-start the joke sentence out with one of these and you pretty much can't fail, especially if
3. End the joke sentence with a funny word - For example, penis is good, vagina is better. Whore is good, huge whore is wonderful (EDITOR'S NOTE: none of these words are allowable when working for the E! network, but if you're at E! actually being funny isn't a requirement)
And that's all there is to it! Now let's use these rules to write a joke:
Find a news story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now a couple.
Begin the joke sentence with a "magic phrase"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now a couple. Tom says...
End the joke sentence with a funny word:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now a couple. Tom says he loves everything about Katie, except for her pesky vagina.
See how easy that is! Just apply the rules and you've got comedy gold. For you students with a keen eye, you probably noticed how I stuck the word "pesky" in there. That's just a personal style thing. That's what separates me from the rest of the average white comedy writer herd. I encourage all of you to go out and find your own version of pesky, but not pesky itself - it's mine.
Now you are ready to venture out and get turned down for the best comedy television this town has to offer!