Well, I promised myself that after my embarrassing but extremely brilliant and convincing argument about R. Kelly that I would go back to writing, you know, actual comedy. But things change. I have to report that after a magnificent one month stay in the wonderful (and tan) world of unemployment, I have rejoined the working ranks. And the best part is that instead of hiring me to produce a crapfest featuring fat guys, hairy guys, bikini girls, the old and the mildly retarded, they have hired me to write, you know, actual comedy. We'll see if it actually works out that way. Oh, and by the way, after seeing the aforementioned crapfest, the Miller Brewing Company thought it was gold and is sponsoring the whole thing. It will be airing shortly on the web, as well as in Miller Park. So if you're ever in Milwaukee for a baseball game, those morbidly obese guys having a jumping or sprinting contest on the jumbotron - that's partly my genius.
I know what you're asking yourself: why do I keep reading this stupid thing? No. Besides that. You're asking, what will happen to this blog now that you're working again? Well, if you are asking yourself that than you have serious life questions to work out. But though you are very disturbed, I'll answer anyway. I think this job is actually going to lead to even more stuff on here masquerading as comedy. Why? Because when I work these writing jobs, I tend to write a lot of stuff. Some of which I think is the funniest shit ever written. The producers then take that stuff and tell me that it's not funny. Then they take the stuff I thought was marginal and instantly put it on the air. Thus, the stuff I think is fantastic will land here and I will learn if I truly have no sense of what is funny. I look forward to your reactions.
But since this is my last day in unemploymentville, I thought I'd reflect on the things I will miss now that I will be spending the greater part of my time in an office:
My "bronzed God" status - Okay, minus the whole "God" part. But the bronzed part is sorta true, I mean for a pasty white dude such as myself. I've found that tan's are a really good thing to rub in people's faces who have to work. As for the whole God part, for some reason sitting around all day doesn't make you want to go work out. I always think of it as one of God's fuck yous to all of us. He's like, hey, you have time to sit around all day but guess what? You're going to feel even more tired than you do when you work. You thought you had gotten one over on me, well guess what? I'm God, fuck you, go take another nap.
Reading - I don't know if I really like reading, but I think I do. But it might just be a way for me to pat myself on the back for being productive, without really being productive. I mean, what's more productive: reading Entertainment Weekly or watching Entertainment Tonight? A question for the ages.
An empty TiVo - I ask you: is there any greater feeling than being totally caught up on TiVo? Sure, you're a loser for watching that much TV, but a succesful loser! Of all the losers, I'm doing it the best!
Beach life - One of the best times of my non-working day would be to walk down to the pier, look at all the people milling around - on a week day - and wonder "don't you people have to work?!?" And then of course I'd realize I'm one of them, and then I'd make excuses for why I'm different, and then I'd just hope that they weren't all unemployed comedy writers too.
Making mix CDs - When you're not working, and you call yourself a writer but aren't writing, you spend a lot of time on the internet. And that gets boring, so you spend a lot of time on Itunes. And this sparks a creative side, and you start creating all these intricate ways of putting together the perfect CD (and pondering your lost dreams of being a DJ)...well, at least I do that... I hate myself.
"Ed" - a lost gem, it's legend will grow with time. Julie Bowen, you will not be forgotten!
My first impressions will come tomorrow...