Why Tom, why? No one WANTS you to be gay. We were all fine to simply know nothing about your personal life, see your movies, and be done with you. No one is sitting at home praying to God that you're gay. Well, maybe the gardener from Desperate Housewives does, but that's just cause he's a total fag. But not the rest of us. Who fucking cares? You really don't have to "date" every actress in Hollywood. You're cool with me, bro. But no, you have to run around everyone's TV show laughing like a maniac and talking about the next notch on your belt. Unfortunately for you, that's the GAYEST thing you can do. Straight guys don't do that shit. We don't love actresses, we fuck them! If you're gonna act straight, know the role! I know it's hard, but try and get into character. You are an actor, right? Well, maybe not since that movie with the frogs.
But unfortunatley by doing this, you have to involve people like my mom. Don't you understand that she's warm and fuzzy about the fact that you're straight. Christ! She thought Ellen was straight up until 2 months ago! And if she asks you, please tell her that Rosie O'Donnell likes dick. What I'm saying is, my mom is perfectly happy with the "don't ask, don't tell policy". She loves it! But you had to push it. You had to flaunt your "straightness". And it's only making people like my mom go, "Jesus, maybe he is gay." Don't do that to her, Tom. She loves you. I love you. And we'd still love you even if you're gay, but we're not going to love you if you keep jumping around on couches, laughing hysterically for no reason, and scaring Oprah. We hate that. America hates that. Even more than they hate the gays.
Anyway, I heard from a very reliable source this rumor:
Kate Bosworth turned down the role of Tom Cruise's "real life" girlfriend. Joey Potter, you are a second banana. Hmmm, bananas, I bet Tom likes those.