The Out of Touchy's

Can't we just do away with award shows at this point, and just have a red carpet arrival ceremony? Then women and their gay friends can hang out on Sunday night and eat popcorn and "gab", but the rest of us are spared all of this awkwardness and inconsequentialness.

No? Okay, then I give you the 2005 Emmy Awards:

Ellen is hosting. You have to respect her simply because she has gotten so much out of so little. Not cute and not funny isn't usually a recipe for success in this town, yet she has made it work.

Yeah! The first award proves everything I hate about this fucking show to be correct! Brad "Talking in a funny voice is funny" Garrett wins the best supporting actor in a comedy category. You know what? Fuck you, Emmy's. Everyone knows Jeremy Piven should get this award, or at the very least, Jeffrey Tambor. This is seriously, so stupid. Who takes this seriously? The question becomes who will fill the role of first "Frasier" and then "Raymond" as the show that nobody likes that wins every award. My vote? 2 and a Half Men.

And then, if that first award wasn't horrible, who am I kidding, it was horrible, the best supporting actor in a drama goes to William Shatner. I've heard the guy is fine in that show and all, but there's this little show on ABC called Lost. And it's the best show on television. With the best character on television, Locke. On the other hand, I guess we should be thankful that Doris Roberts didn't win this one.

For those of you who don't know, the Out of Touchy's are doing this thing this year where people sing old TV anthems. Guess what it's called? Can you guess? Can you? Suck on this tremendously clever name: Emmy Idol. That wasn't one of my hilarious musings, this is actually happening. First up: Donald Trump and that squeaky voice from that show that I'm pretty sure was cancelled 5 years ago, Will and Grace, sing "Green Acres". What? I don't know, they're trying to be funny I think, I can't tell at this point. The best part about this is that they think this is a "ratings stunt", yes, they are doing this to try and boost ratings. I guess it was either Emmy Idol or Emmy Shoot Viewers in the Face.

"The Amazing Race" wins. Was "Being Bobby Brown" not eligible or something? It's an okay show, I guess, but what I don't understand is how "teams" have a 36 hour lead in one episode and then in the next episode they're losing. Can you really invest in a show where things can change like that? It seems to me that since the competition is pretty much complete bullshit, it negates the whole point of watching the show. But then again, I acknowledge that Laguna Beach is completely fake yet enjoy the shit out of it. I'm a reality show hypocrite. Why don't I just say it? I hate the Amazing Race, it sucks. There, I feel better now.

Blythe Danner wins an award. With this win, the question becomes: if you're a big time Hollywood executive and you're putting together a romantic comedy, and you've got Hugh Jackman/Josh Lucas/Ben Affleck to play the dude, which actress has a better chance of opening the movie: Blythe Danner or Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, if you check the statistics you'll find that Blythe, though no longer someone you'd like to see in a love scene, unless you're one of those fetish people who are into old porn, has actually outgrossed the shit out of her daughter over the last couple years. This may be crazy, but I just crunch the numbers here, people. Interpret as you wish.

Oh, Jennifer Love Hewitt, what happened?

Doogie!

Emmy Idol #2: Kristin Bell sings Fame. First of all, who's Kristin Bell. Second of all, who the hell is Kristin Bell?!? She's really hot. I gotta Tivo that Veronica Mars thing. Let's hope her acting is better then her singing. So again, is this supposed to be funny? I don't understand what is going on.

Oh, Chris O'Donnell, what happened?

Call me crazy, but I think Mind of Mencia has a shot next year for something. If Brad Garrett can win an award, anything's possible.

The funniest thing about the Emmy's every single year is the nominations for variety show writing. Each show always puts together a funny thing to show while they are saying all the names. It's great stuff. One show took photos from gay porn and a gay porn guy's face would come up when a writer's name was said, hilarious. Of course the Daily Show won. (cough) overrated (cough).

You know how award presenting dialogue is always wooden and bad? well, Mischa Barton just took it to a whole new level. Say it with me: Poor, untalented Mischa.

Oh my God! It finally happened! The Emmy's have at last honored Doris Roberts' incredible contributions to comedy. The only thing that makes me laugh harder than that patented Doris Roberts delivery is Brad Garret's "funny voice".

Letterman comes out to do the Carson tribute. That must piss Leno off so fucking bad.

Oh look, it's the cast of Raymond hilariously bantering! This has to be the least beloved beloved sitcom ever. Uh oh, Garret just mentioned something about a spinoff. Fire up the funny voice!

John Stewart just compared Letterman to Carson. Something tells me that Leno's going to buy, like, 50 motorcycles tomorrow and drive them all really fast.

Portia De Rossi introduces Emmy Idol #3. Who'd she have to blow to get that gig? It's Macy Gray and some guy from one of those shows where they completely overstep the bounds of what forensic people actually do, and together they sing The Jeffersons theme. Again, I'm not making this up. Don't you wonder what Macy Gray is going to do with the rest of her life? How many jobs call for a washed up black singer who talks incomprehensibly and is high on drugs all the time? I can only think of one: Bobby Brown's wife.

Finally, Lost wins something. Good to see that Rescue Me was nominated in there too.

Lost and Rescue Me just got screwed in some writing category. House is a fine show, but series like Lost and Rescue Me are very, very rare.

Peter Sellers movie just won 3 awards in a row. I saw that movie, and Geoffrey Rush was good, but the movie wasn't. I think HBO wins a million awards not because they produce the best stuff, they just produce stuff. Who else puts a budget into something like this?

Arrested Development wins. That's good. But it reminds me of all the people who we aren't seeing tonight. Like Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Adam Brody, Denis Leary, etc. These are my favorite TV people, people.

Emmy Idol #4: William Shatner. Knock, knock. Who's there? 1998. 1998 who? 1998 is calling, we want our comedy bit back.

Felicity Huffman wins best actress in a comedy. This is actually a good call. If you have to give an award to one of those chicks, it should be her. Pretty girls aren't funny.

I swear to God, Patricia Aquette used to be good looking. I swear. My theory is that at some point in the mid-nineties she switched places with her cross dressing brother, Alexis. I don't know precisely when it happened, and I don't know which one of them played Boy George in "Wedding Singer".

Tony Shalhoub wins best actor in a comedy for Monk. Weird, I thought Monk got cancelled the same year as Will and Grace.

James Spader wins. When he was young, he was the "cool" guy who looked and acted too old for high school. Now he's old, and all dweeby. Is this how all high school "cool" guys get? Is that where Ian Ziering is headed? Be careful, Ziering! Keep playing beach volleyball at the Beverly Hills Beach Club and keep the mullet fro long, my friend.

Okay, second Charles S. Dutton sighting. What the fuck? Oh, I get it, he has a new show coming out. On CBS. Which is the network broadcasting this crapfest. Is there anything more scary than thinking about that a bunch of CBS "suits" getting paid millions of dollars a year sitting around their conference room going "You know who I'd like to see with his own show? Charles S. Dutton". Everyone nods excitedly. That scares the shit out of me.

Whoopi Goldberg comes out to present for best drama. And as the great Dick Enberg once said about her: "If Whoopi Goldberg's in it, it's good." That's a real quote. The winner is...Lost. Thank God. Even the Emmy's couldn't fuck that one up.

But just as I say that, Whoopi announces the best comedy. And it's...Raymond. Fucking Raymond. I think even fans of this show are outraged by this. I loved Seinfeld and Friends but I would readily admit that those shows were not as good at the end. Raymond wasn't even good at the beginning! Dammit.