Things I Learned at the "Comedy Fiesta"

I am half-jewish and half-catholic, which basically means I am nothing. I am neutral. I am Switzerland. I grew up in a wealthy northern california suburb filled with white people and some asian people. I can only remember one black kid in my high school, his name was Eric Brown (seriously, that was his name). There might have been more black people, but I honestly can't remember any. I do not recall any kids from latin descent, though I'm sure there were some. I believe we had some Indians as well, but no Native American Indians. As Chris Rock has said, it's easier to find a polar bear than a Native American, so I don't blame my suburb for that. I blame Christopher Columbus and the invention of gun powder.

I spent a large majority of my youth either playing sports or watching television. Two things I never did as a youth were my homework or think about race. To me, black people were the ones who made the music I loved, played the sports I idolized, and performed the comedy that made me laugh. Mexicans were in Mexico. And Asians, well let's be honest, they were the girls I wanted to have sex with. That was the extent of it.

I never heard the term "beaner" or "wetback" until I was a freshman in college, where my roommate and best friend was, I think a beaner, though not a wetback. And now moving to Los Angeles, I have found that these things are a big deal. Though I have found that white people, black people, hispanics, and asians all have a lot of dumb assholes amongst them, it is apparently still important to make a distinction between these assholes, because they're assholey in different ways that are, people tell me, hilarious.

That being said, I now write comedy about race. It's a new world for me. I'd much rather write jokes about Britney Spears or the Lakers (in the Kobe anal rape genre), but fate has led me to the American legacy of race classification.

Well, last night I went to the "Comedy Fiesta" in Orange County. I went because several of my friends were performing in it. It is interesting to note that only one comedian was white, so this was primarily a mexican/asian/black event. It was a perfect venue for a race comedy 101 of sorts for this simple white boy from the suburbs. Here is what I learned:

The success of minority children over white children stems from the fact that their parents beat them severely. And this, is a great thing.

Black men have large members (12 inches minimum).

Asians have difficulty operating a motor vehicle.

Asians have small members.

The success or failure of all marriages hinges on the wife's dutifulness in performing fellatio.

While engaging in sexual activities, all men query their partner with: "Who's pussy is this?" All women answer with a lie.

Tracy Morgan isn't funny (Actually, I didn't learn this, it was just knowledge confirmed)

Mexicans steal.

Minorities love racism, it's only white people who are all sensitive about it.

"Fags" are funny. So are fat people. But there's only one thing worse than being fat, and that's being a "fag".

Every male hispanic has a friend named Martin (pronounced: Mar-Teen). It is unclear whether this is the same man, or many different men named Martin.

All women in Orange County actually do look like Mischa Barton. If Mischa Barton was Mexican, had a pot belly, teased out hair, bad acne, and was once hit in the face with a shovel.

Performing a bowel movement is not a flattering pose, unless you are in prison, where it is an open invitation for anal sex.

"Special" kids do not attend classes with the other children, and ride something called a "short bus". The mere mention of this "short bus" will be greeted with riotous laughter.

Arabs blow stuff up.

Black men don't work and always carry a gun. Mexicans always work and usually carry a knife. Asians work and screw up the grading curve.

White men talk like Spicoli from the film "Fast Times", while white women talk like the women of the film "Valley Girl" (apparently minorities have not watched a movie featuring white women since 1983).