Murder Mystery Part II

CONTINUED...

The Detective turns to Jimmy "Tate Donovan" Cooper.

DETECTIVE
Jimmy, I always liked you. America always liked you. Christ, you managed to fuck Courtney Cox AND Jennifer Aniston back in the '90's. Why do they keep kicking you off the show?

JIMMY
Well, to be fair, I think Adam Duritz fucked both of them too and nobody likes him, so I don't think that's necessarily a good barometer for audience appeal.

DETECTIVE
Solid point.

JIMMY
And Brad Pitt only fucked one of them, yet he has the career everyone said I was going to have.

DETECTIVE
You really hate yourself, don't you?

JIMMY
Considering it should be me on the cover of Star Magazine every week, humping Angelina Jolie and taking care of asian and african kids with mohawks...yeah, I'm kinda bitter about not even being able to keep a steady gig on this crap show..

DETECTIVE
Understandable.

JIMMY
But really, I think I am the quintessential Schwartz fuck up. I'm a character that's cool and everyone likes, but somehow I married the queen of evil, borrow money from loan sharks, run away from my problems, and let one of my kids live with her lesbian girlfriend at the age of 17, while not ever talking to my other daughter, who neither I nor the rest of America knows about.

DETECTIVE
Wow, Tate, I mean Jimmy, you're quite perceptive. Maybe you should've used those smarts in picking scripts after "Love Potion #9" came out.

JIMMY
But keep in mind that Sandra Bullock was in that movie, who I also fucked.

DETECTIVE
You're heading into Scott Baio territory, my friend. And interestingly, comparing you to Scott Baio in this case is actually a compliment.

JIMMY
I take it as such.

DETECTIVE
All right, who's next?

LUKE
What about me, bitch?

DETECTIVE
Oh man, I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss you, Luke.

LUKE
Everyone does. I was a villain, man. And my dad was gay! And a car dealer! A gay car dealer! There were no better episodes then the ones where the other Newport kids were making fun of me for having a gay dad.

DETECTIVE
You're right. That was the highest of comedy. But that was also the beginning of the end.

LUKE
Why? Cause I went from uber-villain to comic relief. Yeah, that kinda sucked. But keep in mind, that's when I started having sex with Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Nichol.

DETECTIVE
God dammit, why did they get rid of you?!? I don't understand these choices. It's like if Entourage got rid of Arie, or the Golden Girls got rid of Rose Nylon, or if the Lakers got rid of Shaq. You just don't do it!

LUKE
That's what I'm saying, bitch!

DETECTIVE
Okay, stop saying bitch now.

LUKE
Sorry.

DETECTIVE
Since we're talking about poorly conceived high school characters, let's turn to someone who might be to blame for this whole thing. That red-headed girl!

Red headed girl steps up, looking very guilty and still as unattractive as she was while on the show.

DETECTIVE
It's simple math: if you have a high school drama, you get hot chicks! I'm sorry dear, but you are not hot.

RED HEAD
I know.

DETECTIVE
I'm no Mischa fan, but even I would pick her over you. That's like casting Natalie from Facts of Life as a love interest for Brandon Walsh. Nobody's buying!
(BEAT)
But besides you're unappealingness, this long lost daughter bit? Come on. Aren't there limits on coincidences? That was horrifying. I'm tired of looking at you, I have to move on. But you are definitely a suspect.
(BEAT)
Moving on to another high school kid I have a strong hatred for: Zach.

ZACH
I agree, I made no sense.

DETECTIVE
I mean, love triangles are the building blocks of these shows. You, Summer, and Seth had to be the worst love triangle in history. You guys all hang out together as friends? Every single episode revolved around her talking about "cohen" around you and her apologizing for it? She dumps you and then you partner up with Seth to win her back, even though it was clear to all that she never liked you in the first place? Stop it!!!

ZACH
And where the hell am I this season? Did I get kicked out of school too?

DETECTIVE
Maybe we should ask the new evil Dean. Evil Dean, did you kick Zach out?

EVIL DEAN
No, I think he graduated or went to Italy again or something.

ZACH
Oh, good to know.

DETECTIVE
Thanks, Evil Dean. Man, you sure are evil.

EVIL DEAN
Well, I'm a one note character, so that's kinda the point. If I wasn't evil, what would I do?

DETECTIVE
Right. But I mean you are really evil. I didn't even know grabbing female students like Kim Delaney grabs beers was even legal.

EVIL DEAN
It's not, but this show is horrible and doesn't respect reality in any form. Just look at the way people walk straight up to Summer's bedroom door. Or how the characters would have to use a time machine for plots to make sense. Schwartz has decided to toss out logic so he can get straight to making us all regret we ever liked this show.

DETECTIVE
Then he has achieved his goal.
(BEAT)
All right, red headed girl is a suspect for possibly killing this show. But I have yet to interview the big guns. Ladies, and Trey, you're up...

TO BE CONTINED AGAIN...(for the last time, I promise)