I'm submitting a "sample packet" for a show, and they want "rants". I don't really know what a "rant" is, nor apparently does my agent, but that doesn't mean I don't have to do it. I actually kinda thought "rants" went out with Dennis Miller, but I guess not. Anyway, here's one of my "rants" for your enjoyment:
Muslims and their virgin theory
There are a lot of misconceptions about the Islamic religion, but that's because it seems like Muslims have a difference of opinion with each other about what the correct version of Islam.
The main thing we know about Islam here in the United States is this virgin thing. Supposedly these suicidal bombers are expecting to be greeted by 72 virgins in heaven. Is this true Islam? Is it in the Quran? If so, what other kinky stuff is in there? And do all Muslim men think 72 virgins is the proper reward for blowing yourself into a million pieces? I mean, personally I'd like some girls who knew what they were doing. 72 awkward sex acts isn't my idea of a good time, but maybe Muslim guys have a different idea of fun. Couldn't there be, like, I don't know, 10 virgins, 20 sluts, and 42 hookers? If I'm dying in a fiery plane crash, I want some pros in there.
And are they all Muslim girls? Are there any asians? I'd like there to be some asians. What about blondes? From what I've seen, arab dudes like blondes. Do they ask these questions? When I order a hamburger I make sure they're not going to put mayonaisse on the bun. If I'm blowing myself up, I'd definitely want to know if there are going to be some asians.