The life of a big time Hollywood screenwriter is extremely glamorous - especially when a movie you wrote is premiering. I know most of you can't even comprehend the glamorosity of what goes on in what I like to call "H-Wood", but since I happen to be a big time Hollywood screenwriter I believe it is my duty to share with you what it's like to be me, a big time Hollywood screenwriter, as my movie "In The Mix" is about to premiere.
MONDAY - DAY OF THE CAST AND CREW SCREENING AT THE ARCLIGHT
10:36am - Wake up.
10:38am - Put on sweatpants.
10:39am - Check email:
--Someone in fantasy basketball is offering me a trade. Reject.
--Netflix has received my copy of "Unscripted: Season 1".
--Netflix is sending me "The Notebook" (Shut up, I'm renting it for "a friend").
--Someone named Vaughn is emailing me with a film featuring Asian nymphettes getting "slammed". Investigate further, turns out it's a total lie - it's black chicks getting "slammed". Ponder mentioning this to the folks at the Better Business Bureau or at the very least "Dateline", decide against it.
11:04am - Call Agent. He doesn't take the call but the perky assistant promises he'll get back to me.
11:07am - Play Madden 2005 on XBOX and win my double elimination tournament using the Chargers. Drew Brees has a huge day, and I defeat the Bucs in a 27 - 21 upset.
12:05pm - Pack for New York.
12:06pm - Finish packing for New York.
1:16pm - Phone rings, it's not my agent, but it is someone asking for a guy named Shaun. Unfortunately, there is no Shaun here.
2:34pm - Check mail for unemployment check. It hasn't yet arrived.
2:37pm - Eat left over corn.
3:12pm - Google myself and discover I'm the only guy with my name who isn't a Doctor. Jews.
3:32pm - Organize a new Madden tournament with only the best teams so I can truly test my abilities. Play the Packers in the opening round.
3:50pm - Pause game to check phone to make sure it is working. It is. No calls.
4:25pm - Drew Brees overcomes 3 picks and Ladanian Thomlinson scores 5 TDs in a 45-42 shootout over the Packers.
4:32pm - Pull dishes out of the dishwasher and make one of my famous big salads (romaine lettuce, carrots, cabbage, cucumbers, celery and Wishbone Italian dressing). Delicious!
5:07pm - Check mailbox for unemployment check. No dice. But Nordstrom is having a sale.
5:32pm - Check phone to make sure it's working. Call voice mail just in case something has snuck through. Nope.
6:00pm - Iron the shirt I shall wear for the screening tonight.
6:11pm - Put on shirt, and discover that the buttons are missing from the sleeves. Find other shirt.
6:19pm - Depart for the 7:30pm cast and crew screening at the Arclight.
6:41pm - Traffic.
7:03pm - Traffic.
7:21pm - Traffic.
7:41pm - Arrive at the Arclight and self park in the structure and run to meet my friends. I retrieve our tickets and go into the theater, it is filled with people I don't know, but a few I do.
7:55pm - The movie starts, I think this is where the "so called" excitement is supposed to begin.
7:59pm - My name appears on screen. I would love to say it was a seminal moment in my life, but it appears along with "Story by" - so all I can think about is ways I can bring the WGA down. Fucking WGA. Bitta what, bitta who?
8:15pm - No excitement yet, rage though.
8:41pm - I start getting nostalgic about when and where I wrote stuff that I am now seeing on the ginormous Arclight big screen. Weird. Cool, I guess. Although I am just as impressed when "Mind of Mencia" comes on at 2 in the morning and it's the "Sean Juan Collection" episode.
9:40pm - The movie ends. The crowd applauds. Of course, all of them worked on it or are with people who worked on it. I go outside and mingle. Congrats all around. It's nice. People keep telling me how excited I am supposed to be. I'm not trying to play it cool, in fact, I wish I was. I can never properly explain what happened on this thing and why it's so hard for me, but let's just say that I kinda had my heart ripped out repeatedly over the last year getting this thing made, and now I just had to watch the movie version of it. I would be more excited if not for the gaping hole where my heart used to be and all the blood loss. But still, it's great that it got made and i'm lucky and grateful and it's a cool thing and blah blah blah.
9:47pm - Oh my God, boob girl is here!!! If you don't know who I am referring to, please see the "Wonder Years" entry. She's here. With my ex-girlfriend's best friend. I can't lie, she looks fucking amazing. We chat briefly. I do a quick visual search of her for any signs of a clown bag of coke, but I can't see one. Maybe she's cut back since 1999. Or maybe her boyfriend holds the clown bag.
10:05pm - My friends and I walk to a nearby bar and drink to the movie. Good times. I blow up my inner pain over the movie with a Russina, er, Irish Car Bomb.
11:15pm - Head home. Check phone - no calls from agent.
Stay tuned for part II, live from New York and the real premiere...