(WRITER'S NOTE: This will most likely be my last post until after the holidays. I'm moving and trying to finish a screenplay I'm working on that I'm really excited about, but of course my agents hate everything about it. But what the fuck do they know? They're agents! I'm sure they'll love it AFTER it sells and they collect their 10 percent - that's when all scripts get good to them)
ME: Listen, this is really hard for me to say...Hermosa Beach, I love you, I'll always love you, but...we have to break up.
(Tears well in Hermosa Beach's eyes)
I'm leaving you for another woman.
Ew, not Hollywood! Don't be disgusting. For Santa Monica.
No, no, it's not you, it's me. I'm emotionally distant, all of my ex-girlfriends tell me so. I want to thank you though - for a clean beach, all the volleball games, and of course, for asian girls from Torrance.
(Hermosa Beach argues incomprehensibly back)
Please don't do that. Yes, I know the asian girls in Santa Monica won't be from Torrance, but answer me this: will they be asian? Okay then. Believe me, this is hard for me too, there are so many things I'll miss about you. The way you smell of ocean in the morning, that one angry homeless lady on the pier, and your extremely tight vagina. And of course, the reason we fell in the first place: what Lebron is to basketball, I am to white man dancing. And just like Bron needs a hoop and a ball to do his thing, I needed Sangria. They haven't seen a white man move like that since Jim Plunkett and Todd Christensen led the LA Raiders to Superbowl 18.
You're beautiful, it has nothing to do with that. No, Santa Monica's ass is not better than yours, you don't need a boob job - I'm not moving to Beverly Hills, for Christ Sakes. But let's be honest, there's no hotness in the world that can compare to a shorter commute. And did I tell you Santa Monica comes with a washer and dryer?
(Hermosa is in hysterics)
I know, you can't compete with that. You know I've always wanted to never worry about quarters, this is my dream! Let's focus on the positive, we'll always have the last four years together, no one can ever take that away. Think of all the movies we wrote together that no one liked, you can't put a price tag on that!
All right, good luck, maybe I'll be back someday.
(Hermosa gets pissed)
Now why would you go and fuck Wilmer Valderrama? That kind of revenge is just cruel. Look, I won't fuck Kimberly Stewart if you won't fuck Valderrama, deal?
Thank you. You may not fully understand this now, but I will truly miss you. You were the best. And we were quite a couple.
(I hug Hermosa)
Goodbye, Hermosa Beach.