First Ever Mailbag: "My Humps"

Unbeknownst to most of you, the ole' mailbag has been filling up concerning my entry about the Black Eyed Peas "My Humps" song. In fact, I've gotten more response concerning that than anything else I've written on here. I had no idea how strong the Peas insane audience is and how much they enjoy the "My Humps" song. It's really strange, actually.

So here are some of the responses, and I assure you that all of these are real:

Irwin,

what the fuck are u going on about the bep are awesome and their song is even better i love the song i think its great what u think u can do better i say GO FUCK URSELF WANKA !!

From: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

First of all, wanka? Apparently I'm huge in London, as are the Peas. Secondly, just because you are critical of something doesn't mean that you think you can do better. You see, I would respect the Peas for saying my shit isn't funny, but with the understanding that Fergie probably couldn't write funnier shit. That is sort of the nature of criticism. Also, I'd like to applaud your unique use of punctuation. You used none until the end, where you went with the 2 exclamation points instead of the three that is standard for yelling. Nice work. And finally, I'd like to say that if I could, in fact, fuck myself, it would make my life a whole lot easier and i wouldn't have to hear about how i'm emotionally distant.

Let's move on:

Irwin,

Fair enough, you don't like the song, but how can you have so much spare time that you can be bothered to write a detailed synopsis on precisely why you hate it? I don't know why this post annoyed me so much. Maybe it's got something to do with your negativity. Lighten up chicken. The world's a beautiful place. Let's not pollute it with no hatin' :)

p.s. poor Fergie, this is the Internet you're writing on, anyone can read it... such as Fergie's mum, Fergie's husband, Fergie herself. How would you like it if someone you didn't know published a statement to the whole world saying you weren't remotely hot?

From: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous #2,

How can I have so much spare time? In case you haven't read, I'm an unemployed comedy writer - writing this shit is an alternative to playing xbox and watching 90210 reruns.

No, I wouldn't like it if someone wrote about me not being hot, but that's why I don't sing songs about how my "humps" can make women buy me stuff.

Irwin,

If you don't like it, you don't like it. I'll have this postmaker that Fergie is indeed Hot, and make History in the Black eyed Peas. Back in the day, BEP were hot and are still hot now. They make wonderful songs. You don't have to scream over the Net you don't like it and that Fergie's not hot. the BEPs could be reading this now, and I'm sure they won't be happy, especially Fergie.

From: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous #3

I'm very confused by you BEP fans. First of all, if Fergie or her "band"mates are reading this blog, then they have bigger issues than just "their humps". Second of all, I can understand loyalty and everything, but is "My Humps" really the song you're going to defend to the death? I mean come on, have you heard the song? will actually says the lyrics: "Whatcha gonna do with all that chest inside that shirt". Stop it.

Irwin,

I'm gonna make make make you scream, make you scream make you scream!

From: Anonymous

I stand corrected, it's a brilliant fucking song.