The makers of the Ray Charles film "Ray" are producing a film biography of baseball pioneer Jackie Robinson. And in preparation for the inevitable Oscar speech, Jamie Foxx has killed his other grandma.
Comedienne Rosie O'Donnell has apologized to Kirstie Alley for accusing her of lying about her weight. But the apology went unnoticed because no one cares about fat chicks.
Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie celebrated the Jewish holiday of Purim by dressing up as a nun and the Pope. Madonna said it's the only way to get Guy to fondle her.
Athletic sisters Venus Williams and Serena Williams have been given their own reality TV show. It's actually a game show called: "Which One's a Dude?"
Orlando Bloom's has been cast as the young James Bond. When there's trouble, the young Bond has a license to piss himself.
Macaulay Culkin will be one of the five witnesses called to testify against Michael Jackson in court. Macaulay will reportedly testify that nothing Michael did was as bad as the way his father financially fucked him in the ass .
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Monday, March 28, 2005
Thank you sir may I have another
Well, I had a meeting with a guy today for a show at Comedy Central. The guy I met with is kind of a legend. He was the executive producer for Dave Letterman's show for ten years, then was a producer on Chris Rock's HBO show, and so on. So he's kind of big time, and now he's producing a couple things for Comedy Central. They've greenlighted ten half hour episodes of the show I met for, and it will be like a late night talk show only without guests - so just monologue and a couple video/audience/desk bits. It's pretty cool and would be awesome if I could get the job but I think there's about 200 average white dudes exactly like me who are also trying to get it.
The meeting went well, the guy's very nice - but he did take 2 phone calls while we were talking which was kind of weird. But that's the way it goes when you are a hack such as myself. If I was the head writer on snl meeting with him I don't think he'd do that. But anyway, it went all right. But he wants me to put together a packet that would work for the show. This puts me in a weird situation because, as I said before, I'm an average white guy. I feel a little uncomfortable doing Mexican jokes, but I think I have to. I hope they're not offended by my: "Pimp My Ride - Illegal Alien Edition. We'll see.
Second thing that happened today: I got invited to go see a rough cut of the famed Usher movie on Wednesday. Oh boy. I have been told by the very influential Executive Producer that I must be nice. They are not looking for notes, this is the cut they are going with. Cara and I are not allowed to respond in shock and horror, even though we will be feeling it. So we literally have to go, "Looks great. We're really excited." I have to. It will be mighty painful watching something I worked my ass off on turned into garbage. And before you say "maybe it will be good", I've seen the script, and I've seen parts of it filmed, and as they say, you can't make chicken soup out of chicken shit.
The meeting went well, the guy's very nice - but he did take 2 phone calls while we were talking which was kind of weird. But that's the way it goes when you are a hack such as myself. If I was the head writer on snl meeting with him I don't think he'd do that. But anyway, it went all right. But he wants me to put together a packet that would work for the show. This puts me in a weird situation because, as I said before, I'm an average white guy. I feel a little uncomfortable doing Mexican jokes, but I think I have to. I hope they're not offended by my: "Pimp My Ride - Illegal Alien Edition. We'll see.
Second thing that happened today: I got invited to go see a rough cut of the famed Usher movie on Wednesday. Oh boy. I have been told by the very influential Executive Producer that I must be nice. They are not looking for notes, this is the cut they are going with. Cara and I are not allowed to respond in shock and horror, even though we will be feeling it. So we literally have to go, "Looks great. We're really excited." I have to. It will be mighty painful watching something I worked my ass off on turned into garbage. And before you say "maybe it will be good", I've seen the script, and I've seen parts of it filmed, and as they say, you can't make chicken soup out of chicken shit.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Lance Hipstreet's Mujahadeen Scoop
Hey kiddies, they say Afghanistan is just desert and poppy seeds, but it's amazing how much dirt I can find in the sand! And don't be saying whatevs cause I know you want to get in the know., and I've got two tasty items that will make you forget about filthy pork for good!
First off, and I do mean off, you didn't hear it from me but a certain warlord from a certain Kabul province just got married to his 17th bride. You're probably thinking, "now Lance, what's that to go all Jihad over?" Well, it seems that the new misses might not be as pure as one of those 47 virgins said Warlord will be seeing when he passes over to Allah's side. She may be his 17th bride, but she'll never be his first!
Onto item numero two, it's no secret that a certain sassy socialite has been shaking her burkha through the football fields of Jalalabad. And my sources tell me that her very revealing eye holes are no tease, she's been a Jala-BAD girl. Wags are already sending invites out all over town for what should be the gabfest spectacle of the year: that sassy socialite's stoning. Oooh! I'm getting excited just thinking about the river of filthy blood that is sure to run!
First off, and I do mean off, you didn't hear it from me but a certain warlord from a certain Kabul province just got married to his 17th bride. You're probably thinking, "now Lance, what's that to go all Jihad over?" Well, it seems that the new misses might not be as pure as one of those 47 virgins said Warlord will be seeing when he passes over to Allah's side. She may be his 17th bride, but she'll never be his first!
Onto item numero two, it's no secret that a certain sassy socialite has been shaking her burkha through the football fields of Jalalabad. And my sources tell me that her very revealing eye holes are no tease, she's been a Jala-BAD girl. Wags are already sending invites out all over town for what should be the gabfest spectacle of the year: that sassy socialite's stoning. Oooh! I'm getting excited just thinking about the river of filthy blood that is sure to run!
Wilmer Valderrama’s Career Highs and Lows
Born - 1980.
Fate strikes a huge blow when he's named 'Wilmer Valderrama'...
...but things pick up when he's cast in "That ‘70’s Show"...
...and then crash down again when he's cast in “That ‘70’s Show”
A huge score when he begins dating Mandy Moore...
...and a huge disaster when he's dumped by Mandy Moore
But just then, Lindsay Lohan hits puberty...
...however his hopes are dashed when learns of the Statutory rape laws in California
Years pass and Lindsay Lohan turns 18...
...and despite obvious shortcomings, he dates her...
...until she dumps him to fuck more famous actors
A ray of hope - Lindsay Lohan has a 14-year old sister...
...but despite his best efforts, Statutory Rape laws remain unchanged
Fate strikes a huge blow when he's named 'Wilmer Valderrama'...
...but things pick up when he's cast in "That ‘70’s Show"...
...and then crash down again when he's cast in “That ‘70’s Show”
A huge score when he begins dating Mandy Moore...
...and a huge disaster when he's dumped by Mandy Moore
But just then, Lindsay Lohan hits puberty...
...however his hopes are dashed when learns of the Statutory rape laws in California
Years pass and Lindsay Lohan turns 18...
...and despite obvious shortcomings, he dates her...
...until she dumps him to fuck more famous actors
A ray of hope - Lindsay Lohan has a 14-year old sister...
...but despite his best efforts, Statutory Rape laws remain unchanged
Friday, March 25, 2005
random thoughts and questions
hot foreign girls are similar to hollywood agents - neither are impressed that i wrote the next usher movie
if a girl is talking shit to you during a volleyball game, is it kind of like in third grade when a girl picks on you because she likes you? what if the shit talking includes calling you a midget?
just because you can write a couple good episodes of tv, doesn't mean you should be in charge of an entire series, bitch!!!
if steroids make you look like jose canseco, make you hit 600 homeruns, give you millions and millions of dollars, aren't the smaller testicles worth it?
no matter how good jake in progress is (and it's not that good yet), they still ruined what it was supposed to be
the problem with the office is that having the main character be "not funny" is a hard way to do a show that is funny
when did everyone start watching the bbc and how come no one told me to?
beverly hills 90210 is the best thing that ever happened to soapnet
why is the wonder years not on tbs or abc family or something?
the best thing about being unemployed is watching spin city everyday at 1:00pm and realizing how underrated it was
every time i go to the House of Blues I see a different fat black woman singing backup who could kick the crap out of anyone who has ever been on American Idol
all geniuses have an extreme mental deficiency in some other aspect of their life and that's how i know that i'm not a genius and r. kelly is
if lifetime is the "network for women", why do they play Goodfellas once a week?
i watch a lot of cable news, and if they put that feeding tube back in, i'm going to kill myself
if you make yourself a salad, put salad dressing on it, let it sit for ten minutes and then go eat it, it will be like someone else made it for you
if a girl is talking shit to you during a volleyball game, is it kind of like in third grade when a girl picks on you because she likes you? what if the shit talking includes calling you a midget?
just because you can write a couple good episodes of tv, doesn't mean you should be in charge of an entire series, bitch!!!
if steroids make you look like jose canseco, make you hit 600 homeruns, give you millions and millions of dollars, aren't the smaller testicles worth it?
no matter how good jake in progress is (and it's not that good yet), they still ruined what it was supposed to be
the problem with the office is that having the main character be "not funny" is a hard way to do a show that is funny
when did everyone start watching the bbc and how come no one told me to?
beverly hills 90210 is the best thing that ever happened to soapnet
why is the wonder years not on tbs or abc family or something?
the best thing about being unemployed is watching spin city everyday at 1:00pm and realizing how underrated it was
every time i go to the House of Blues I see a different fat black woman singing backup who could kick the crap out of anyone who has ever been on American Idol
all geniuses have an extreme mental deficiency in some other aspect of their life and that's how i know that i'm not a genius and r. kelly is
if lifetime is the "network for women", why do they play Goodfellas once a week?
i watch a lot of cable news, and if they put that feeding tube back in, i'm going to kill myself
if you make yourself a salad, put salad dressing on it, let it sit for ten minutes and then go eat it, it will be like someone else made it for you
Thursday, March 24, 2005
i write jokes
Authorities charged a man with plotting to kidnap David Letterman's toddler son and nanny.
Detectives say they were helped in capturing the man by tips sent in by the late Johnny Carson.
Rap diva Lil' Kim was convicted of lying to a federal grand jury to protect friends who were involved in a shootout.
Lil Kim claims that she didn’t notice the shooting because she was busy jotting down rhymes about her vagina.
Director George Lucas says that the next Star Wars will be like "'Titanic' in space”.
The two will also be similar in that Titanic’s Gloria Stuart will play Yoda.
Seal and Heidi Klum are expecting their first child together.
And that means if it’s a girl, I have no idea whether or not I’d want to fuck it.
So let that be a lesson to you kids: if you want to date a supermodel, carve stuff into your face.
San Quentin Prison has been flooded with calls and letters from women wanting to marry Scott Peterson.
Many of the women not only want to marry him, they also want to have his next 8 month old unborn fetus.
Texas lawmakers filed legislation to put an end to "sexually suggestive" performances by high school cheerleaders.
But the law would still allow male cheerleaders to be complete fags.
Barry Bonds said he might miss the entire season following knee surgery.
It's a complicated procedure in which Doctors will reattach the knee joint with cartilage from what is left of Barry's balls.
Camilla Parker Bowles will, by law, automatically become queen when Charles is crowned.
Camilla's parents have actually groomed her to be Queen ever since she was born and they attached Anne Boleyn's head to her neck. (suck on that anne boleyn reference, e! network)
The higher profile will likely mean more work for Camilla's double: Michael Caine.
Angelina Jolie has been named the sexiest woman in the world by FHM magazine.
She's also been named whore of the year by Broken Marriage Illustrated. (fake magazine titles = funny)
Whitney Houston has checked into rehab again.
Or as Bobby Brown calls it, "that place where you can score the best shit."
Fox announced that American Idol will be staging a revote after incorrect phone numbers were shown onscreen during the show.
Instead of casting a vote, callers were instead directed to get a fucking life.
Donald Trump has expressed interest in signing Michael Jackson to a performing gig at the New Frontier Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
The announcement was met with excitement by tigers hungry for more gay white guys.
Ben Affleck will make his feature film directing debut later this year.
There is hope for the film however, as Ben Affleck isn't in it.
It's official -- NBC's "Third Watch" will not be returning for a seventh season.
It's the first Law and Order spinoff to get cancelled since NBC stopped thinking of new ideas.
Detectives say they were helped in capturing the man by tips sent in by the late Johnny Carson.
Rap diva Lil' Kim was convicted of lying to a federal grand jury to protect friends who were involved in a shootout.
Lil Kim claims that she didn’t notice the shooting because she was busy jotting down rhymes about her vagina.
Director George Lucas says that the next Star Wars will be like "'Titanic' in space”.
The two will also be similar in that Titanic’s Gloria Stuart will play Yoda.
Seal and Heidi Klum are expecting their first child together.
And that means if it’s a girl, I have no idea whether or not I’d want to fuck it.
So let that be a lesson to you kids: if you want to date a supermodel, carve stuff into your face.
San Quentin Prison has been flooded with calls and letters from women wanting to marry Scott Peterson.
Many of the women not only want to marry him, they also want to have his next 8 month old unborn fetus.
Texas lawmakers filed legislation to put an end to "sexually suggestive" performances by high school cheerleaders.
But the law would still allow male cheerleaders to be complete fags.
Barry Bonds said he might miss the entire season following knee surgery.
It's a complicated procedure in which Doctors will reattach the knee joint with cartilage from what is left of Barry's balls.
Camilla Parker Bowles will, by law, automatically become queen when Charles is crowned.
Camilla's parents have actually groomed her to be Queen ever since she was born and they attached Anne Boleyn's head to her neck. (suck on that anne boleyn reference, e! network)
The higher profile will likely mean more work for Camilla's double: Michael Caine.
Angelina Jolie has been named the sexiest woman in the world by FHM magazine.
She's also been named whore of the year by Broken Marriage Illustrated. (fake magazine titles = funny)
Whitney Houston has checked into rehab again.
Or as Bobby Brown calls it, "that place where you can score the best shit."
Fox announced that American Idol will be staging a revote after incorrect phone numbers were shown onscreen during the show.
Instead of casting a vote, callers were instead directed to get a fucking life.
Donald Trump has expressed interest in signing Michael Jackson to a performing gig at the New Frontier Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
The announcement was met with excitement by tigers hungry for more gay white guys.
Ben Affleck will make his feature film directing debut later this year.
There is hope for the film however, as Ben Affleck isn't in it.
It's official -- NBC's "Third Watch" will not be returning for a seventh season.
It's the first Law and Order spinoff to get cancelled since NBC stopped thinking of new ideas.
could've been a contender? not really
If you're not reading The Sports Guy on ESPN.com's Page Two, you're really missing out. I have a heterosexual crush on the man, and I think if we partied together we'd drink beers and we'd debate Seth Cohen vs. Brandon Walsh the entire night. Anyway, I have to take issue with this column...
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050323
...about how great NBC's The Contender is. And while I agree that Sylvester Stallone is extremely high up on the unintentional comedy scale, I have to disagree with the rest of his thesis.
First of all, anyone who watches The Apprentice knows about Mark Burnett's problem with the voice overs. You know, the parts where Donald is supposedly "talking" to the contestants in the boardroom but they're not showing Donald's face, they're just showing cut aways of the people and clearly they recorded it later. Well, the Contender has that only multiplied times a thousand. In the middle of every episode, the fighters have to do a challenge (which is completely ridiculous in it's own right) and Sugar Ray explains it to them. Only, they don't show Sugar Ray as he's talking and it was obviously dubbed in later. It's not even close. Every time I see it, I can't believe it's actually happening. They're not even trying! When they do it, all I hear is Sugar Ray going "Psst. Hey, audience, we didn't pick this up on our microphones, actually we didn't even have microphones, so I'm sitting in a comfortable booth months after this was taped, but here's what the challenge is so you won't be confused."
And when you understand this point, you begin to understand how manipulative this show (and all other reality shows are). They are fucking with everything the way they are fucking with this voice over. Perhaps I'm jaded because I've worked around some reality TV, but trust me, there's nothing real about it. in fact, the newest thing in reality TV is the hiring of writers. Writers! Hey, good for me but not for us. It's getting to the point now where they just need some warm blooded good looking actor types to stand in front of the camera with a bunch of puree'd rats and the producers and writers will makeup the rest.
But that stuff is endemic to most reality shows (though for some reason Burnett and his millions of dollars of budget for his shows, have a particularly hard time getting those voice overs to sound organic). The real problem with this show is of course, the boxing. As the Sports Guy mentions, they cut the shit out of the matches. Out of a five round fight, we see a couple minutes. I don't get it. This show is about boxing. Boxing is a multi-billion dollar sport. You know why? Because of what goes on in the fricking ring! Show it! That's what the sport is. And because of the aforementioned manipulation, we have no idea who's really won these fights. They don't show the judges! They purposelly cut out what the judges' scores are! Yeah, thanks, I just invested an hour of my time of built up boxer family bull shit and now all I want to see is two guys beat the crap out of each other, and now you're not only depriving me of that, but you're also depriving me of knowing who actually won!
But that's not even the worst part. the worst part is how they edit the action in the ring. There is this horrible rhythm to it that I unfortunately caught on to in the first episode. It goes: boxers dancing around each other, cut to family shot, boxer fakes a punch, cut to sylvester stallone, boxer punches and misses and they clench, cut to James Caan inexplicably in the crowd, boxers break and stand menacingly, cut to bridget nielsen and flavor flav (oh, that's me changing the channel)...
You get the point. Although I think I just accidentally stumbled on a brilliant movie. Sylvester Stallone, Bridget Nielsen and Flavor Flav in...Rocky 6! After Ivan Drago's defeat, Bridget divorces the Russsian loser and hitches her star to one Flavor Flav. She then convinces Flavor that in order to restore the honor of her communist brethren, Flavor must beat the shit out of Rocky in a no holds barred, all large clocks allowed brawl! And Rocky is too old to understand the hip hop culture, which he feels is key to beating the former rapper. So he enlists Clubber Lang as his trainer and Clubber schools him in hip hop 101.
But I'm getting off my point. Once you get the rhythm of the editing, it becomes unwatchable because just as a fight is about to break out, they're cutting to James fricking Caan. And if I wanted to watch bad writing, production, and James Caan, I'd watch Las Vegas. And no one should watch Las Vegas. So like me, you'll either yell at the TV or turn it off all together. Or worse yet, you'll turn the channel to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - and that's an even bigger manipulative crapfest. My advice: blindfold yourself with ear plugs until 8:30, when Arrested Development is on.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050323
...about how great NBC's The Contender is. And while I agree that Sylvester Stallone is extremely high up on the unintentional comedy scale, I have to disagree with the rest of his thesis.
First of all, anyone who watches The Apprentice knows about Mark Burnett's problem with the voice overs. You know, the parts where Donald is supposedly "talking" to the contestants in the boardroom but they're not showing Donald's face, they're just showing cut aways of the people and clearly they recorded it later. Well, the Contender has that only multiplied times a thousand. In the middle of every episode, the fighters have to do a challenge (which is completely ridiculous in it's own right) and Sugar Ray explains it to them. Only, they don't show Sugar Ray as he's talking and it was obviously dubbed in later. It's not even close. Every time I see it, I can't believe it's actually happening. They're not even trying! When they do it, all I hear is Sugar Ray going "Psst. Hey, audience, we didn't pick this up on our microphones, actually we didn't even have microphones, so I'm sitting in a comfortable booth months after this was taped, but here's what the challenge is so you won't be confused."
And when you understand this point, you begin to understand how manipulative this show (and all other reality shows are). They are fucking with everything the way they are fucking with this voice over. Perhaps I'm jaded because I've worked around some reality TV, but trust me, there's nothing real about it. in fact, the newest thing in reality TV is the hiring of writers. Writers! Hey, good for me but not for us. It's getting to the point now where they just need some warm blooded good looking actor types to stand in front of the camera with a bunch of puree'd rats and the producers and writers will makeup the rest.
But that stuff is endemic to most reality shows (though for some reason Burnett and his millions of dollars of budget for his shows, have a particularly hard time getting those voice overs to sound organic). The real problem with this show is of course, the boxing. As the Sports Guy mentions, they cut the shit out of the matches. Out of a five round fight, we see a couple minutes. I don't get it. This show is about boxing. Boxing is a multi-billion dollar sport. You know why? Because of what goes on in the fricking ring! Show it! That's what the sport is. And because of the aforementioned manipulation, we have no idea who's really won these fights. They don't show the judges! They purposelly cut out what the judges' scores are! Yeah, thanks, I just invested an hour of my time of built up boxer family bull shit and now all I want to see is two guys beat the crap out of each other, and now you're not only depriving me of that, but you're also depriving me of knowing who actually won!
But that's not even the worst part. the worst part is how they edit the action in the ring. There is this horrible rhythm to it that I unfortunately caught on to in the first episode. It goes: boxers dancing around each other, cut to family shot, boxer fakes a punch, cut to sylvester stallone, boxer punches and misses and they clench, cut to James Caan inexplicably in the crowd, boxers break and stand menacingly, cut to bridget nielsen and flavor flav (oh, that's me changing the channel)...
You get the point. Although I think I just accidentally stumbled on a brilliant movie. Sylvester Stallone, Bridget Nielsen and Flavor Flav in...Rocky 6! After Ivan Drago's defeat, Bridget divorces the Russsian loser and hitches her star to one Flavor Flav. She then convinces Flavor that in order to restore the honor of her communist brethren, Flavor must beat the shit out of Rocky in a no holds barred, all large clocks allowed brawl! And Rocky is too old to understand the hip hop culture, which he feels is key to beating the former rapper. So he enlists Clubber Lang as his trainer and Clubber schools him in hip hop 101.
But I'm getting off my point. Once you get the rhythm of the editing, it becomes unwatchable because just as a fight is about to break out, they're cutting to James fricking Caan. And if I wanted to watch bad writing, production, and James Caan, I'd watch Las Vegas. And no one should watch Las Vegas. So like me, you'll either yell at the TV or turn it off all together. Or worse yet, you'll turn the channel to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition - and that's an even bigger manipulative crapfest. My advice: blindfold yourself with ear plugs until 8:30, when Arrested Development is on.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Notes from a hack
First of all, I didn't even really know what a blog was until I started reading my friend cheryl's. she is, by all accounts, and certainly by my own, the funniest person in the world. literally. so big ups to her for inspiring me. anyway, here are the musings of a hack today:
Let's just get right to it: I hate all animals. Why am I the weird one? That should be the majority opinion. all of you are weird. I don't know if you all know it, but your houses stink. We're all too polite to tell you, but your house stinks, it does. and you, the one who's thinking that you have a dog and your house doesn't stink so i'm crazy. fuck you, cause that's what i'm talking about. it's you, buddy. and another thing, i don't think most animals were meant to be kept in a studio apartment. if you don't have a backyard and you have a dog larger than Paris Hilton's (I don't know types of dogs because again, I hate them and want nothing to do with them), then you are cruel to animals. i'm not cruel to them, I just hate them and I kinda think that's better in God's eyes. Yes, I said God.
And I know what you're thinking because I've heard it a thousand times (animal lovers are very predictable): "You'd like my (fill in disgusting animal here)." You are so fucking wrong. Believe me. That cute little thing with the wagging tail that is just so adorable? I hate that thing. You know how I know I hate it? Cause you just said it had a tail, and i don't like things that have tails. I've met all of 'em people, and they're all horrible, every last filthy one. And you know what's funny? I'm not a particularly cleanly person, so it's weird I keep bringing up the stinky filthy thing - but no matter what, it's gross.
And how do you animal people have the nerve to allow your animal to come up to me and lick me? Let's put it this way: how would you enjoy it if we saw each other on the street, and then you watched as I took a couple licks of my testicles and then came over and started licking your face and the guy I was with laughed and clapped and said "don't worry, he's just being friendly." my guess is, you wouldn't like it too much. which I think pretty much proves my point: you are the weird ones.
Let's just get right to it: I hate all animals. Why am I the weird one? That should be the majority opinion. all of you are weird. I don't know if you all know it, but your houses stink. We're all too polite to tell you, but your house stinks, it does. and you, the one who's thinking that you have a dog and your house doesn't stink so i'm crazy. fuck you, cause that's what i'm talking about. it's you, buddy. and another thing, i don't think most animals were meant to be kept in a studio apartment. if you don't have a backyard and you have a dog larger than Paris Hilton's (I don't know types of dogs because again, I hate them and want nothing to do with them), then you are cruel to animals. i'm not cruel to them, I just hate them and I kinda think that's better in God's eyes. Yes, I said God.
And I know what you're thinking because I've heard it a thousand times (animal lovers are very predictable): "You'd like my (fill in disgusting animal here)." You are so fucking wrong. Believe me. That cute little thing with the wagging tail that is just so adorable? I hate that thing. You know how I know I hate it? Cause you just said it had a tail, and i don't like things that have tails. I've met all of 'em people, and they're all horrible, every last filthy one. And you know what's funny? I'm not a particularly cleanly person, so it's weird I keep bringing up the stinky filthy thing - but no matter what, it's gross.
And how do you animal people have the nerve to allow your animal to come up to me and lick me? Let's put it this way: how would you enjoy it if we saw each other on the street, and then you watched as I took a couple licks of my testicles and then came over and started licking your face and the guy I was with laughed and clapped and said "don't worry, he's just being friendly." my guess is, you wouldn't like it too much. which I think pretty much proves my point: you are the weird ones.
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