I write jokes for a living. And that knack for hitting people's funny bone has shot me straight up the Hollywood ladder right up into the rarefied air of the unemployment line. It's amazing what a sense of humor will get you in this world, in my case, suckling off the government's teet. So now you understand that you're reading a comedy genius so talented, American taxpayers pay him to sit around thinking up the funny. But I am not a selfish man. I'm not the type to use my God given ability to earn a tremendous amount of Government cheese and not share it with you all, the commoners. So here, good people, are a few easy steps to writing jokes so you too can consistently not get work.
Wait, before you get scared that I'll be like a magician who reveals trade secrets, remember, no one will hire me anyway! What can they do at this point? Not hire me more? I don't think so.
1. Find a story - almost any story works, but one's that include the words "Federline" or "sex tape" are usually gold mines
2. Begin the second sentence with one of the "magic phrases" (copyright: Handleman 2005) - the "magic phrases", which is a phrase that, as you can see, I've trademarked, are these: "In a related story..." "Upon hearing the news..." "Critics/Experts say...", "(Person from the story) says that he..."
-start the joke sentence out with one of these and you pretty much can't fail, especially if
Federline's involved
3. End the joke sentence with a funny word - For example, penis is good, vagina is better. Whore is good, huge whore is wonderful (EDITOR'S NOTE: none of these words are allowable when working for the E! network, but if you're at E! actually being funny isn't a requirement)
And that's all there is to it! Now let's use these rules to write a joke:
Find a news story:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now a couple.
Begin the joke sentence with a "magic phrase"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now a couple. Tom says...
End the joke sentence with a funny word:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are now a couple. Tom says he loves everything about Katie, except for her pesky vagina.
See how easy that is! Just apply the rules and you've got comedy gold. For you students with a keen eye, you probably noticed how I stuck the word "pesky" in there. That's just a personal style thing. That's what separates me from the rest of the average white comedy writer herd. I encourage all of you to go out and find your own version of pesky, but not pesky itself - it's mine.
Now you are ready to venture out and get turned down for the best comedy television this town has to offer!
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
FADE IN:
EXT. THE SHACK - ESTABLISHING
The Shack is a little hamburger place near the beach in Playa Del Rey, which is just north of LAX and just south of Marina Del Rey and Venice Beach.
INT. THE SHACK - DAY
KOBE BRYANT sits at one of the outdoor tables by himself, drinking a water. The sun reflects off of his dark sunglasses. He looks up when he sees:
The long legs and even longer shoulders of COACH PHIL JACKSON. He comes outside and the two men shake hands.
EXT. THE SHACK - ESTABLISHING
The Shack is a little hamburger place near the beach in Playa Del Rey, which is just north of LAX and just south of Marina Del Rey and Venice Beach.
INT. THE SHACK - DAY
KOBE BRYANT sits at one of the outdoor tables by himself, drinking a water. The sun reflects off of his dark sunglasses. He looks up when he sees:
The long legs and even longer shoulders of COACH PHIL JACKSON. He comes outside and the two men shake hands.
PHIL JACKSON
Thanks for meeting with me, Kobe.
KOBE
No problem, Coach. How ya been?
PHIL JACKSON
Good, good. I just got done swimming in the Indian Ocean, where I discovered the lost city of Atlantis, and then dug up and interpreted some sea scrolls, and then meditated with Buddhists while smoking a giant bong of holy weed. Well actually, I don’t know about the other stuff but I do know I definitely smoked a giant bong of holy weed.
(beat)
What have you been up to?
KOBE
The usual. Alienating fans, losing games, ball hogging.
PHIL JACKSON
Nice. How’s the wife?
KOBE
Don’t ask.
PHIL JACKSON
Still not giving up the dirty place, huh?
KOBE
Nope. She just doesn’t understand the concept of being a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.
PHIL JACKSON
I know what you mean. That’s why I like Jeannie - she was in Playboy, you know.
(beat)
Oh, and she also has a billion dollars and a controlling interest in a team I’d like to own.
KOBE
That’s a good woman.
PHIL JACKSON
And she doesn’t mind if I get a little anal with the hotel help, if you know what I mean.
KOBE
Damn! Why’d I get married so young to such a crazy bitch?!?
PHIL JACKSON
Tried to warn you.
KOBE
I know. It’s almost as if I only like them if they’re money grubbing psychos. You’d think that would translate to good times in the sack but it never does.
(beat)
But have you seen Vanessa? Girl is fine.
PHIL JACKSON
True. But you gotta stop with the fame-whores, and just go with the whores.
KOBE
Learned that the hard way.
(beat)
Well, let’s get down to business. What do you think about the team?
PHIL JACKSON
I think I liked it better when it had a 7 foot 2 black man who no one could stop.
KOBE
Hey, we got Mihm...and Brian Grant. And don’t forget about Slava.
PHIL JACKSON
Believe me, I can’t forget that.
(beat)
Here’s the thing, Kobe. I kinda only like to coach teams that are really, really good. I mean, actual coaching doesn’t interest me.
KOBE
I understand.
PHIL JACKSON
Maybe if it was you, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, and Tim Duncan I’d be interested. You know, I could come in, and expertly guide you to the championship with some of my Zen philosophy that turns the best players in the world into the best players in the world.
KOBE
I know, Coach. But we really need you. It turns out I was wrong. And the worst part of it all is that when we don’t make the playoffs, that means more time with Vanessa.
PHIL JACKSON
Brutal.
KOBE
I know. So can’t you make an exception in this case?
PHIL JACKSON
Well, if I did this, I’d need a couple promises.
KOBE
Name 'em.
PHIL JACKSON
First, I think it would be a good idea if you started to have some paternity suits filed against you, and maybe even another rape charge.
KOBE
Really? Why?
PHIL JACKSON
Think about it, Kobe. Every time you choppered in from Colorado, you’d put up 40 and even pass the ball!
KOBE
I did, didn’t I?
PHIL JACKSON
Something about you being in court before coming onto the court took your game to the next level.
KOBE
You’re right. Consider it done.
PHIL JACKSON
Good, but there’s one other thing we have to do. We need a big man.
KOBE
I know, but where are going to find one. Trade up and get Andrew Bogut?
PHIL JACKSON
Are you crazy? Big white guys can’t play basketball - look at Eric Montross, Mark Madsen, Drew Malm - the list goes on and on.
KOBE
So what do we do?
PHIL JACKSON
We thaw out Wilt Chamberlain’s cryogenically frozen body, cure him of syphillis, and put him on the court with you.
KOBE
Wow! We can do that?
PHIL JACKSON
Of course we can! But keep in mind I’m still high from the giant Buddhist bong of holy weed.
Thanks for meeting with me, Kobe.
KOBE
No problem, Coach. How ya been?
They sit down.
PHIL JACKSON
Good, good. I just got done swimming in the Indian Ocean, where I discovered the lost city of Atlantis, and then dug up and interpreted some sea scrolls, and then meditated with Buddhists while smoking a giant bong of holy weed. Well actually, I don’t know about the other stuff but I do know I definitely smoked a giant bong of holy weed.
(beat)
What have you been up to?
KOBE
The usual. Alienating fans, losing games, ball hogging.
PHIL JACKSON
Nice. How’s the wife?
KOBE
Don’t ask.
PHIL JACKSON
Still not giving up the dirty place, huh?
KOBE
Nope. She just doesn’t understand the concept of being a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets.
PHIL JACKSON
I know what you mean. That’s why I like Jeannie - she was in Playboy, you know.
(beat)
Oh, and she also has a billion dollars and a controlling interest in a team I’d like to own.
KOBE
That’s a good woman.
PHIL JACKSON
And she doesn’t mind if I get a little anal with the hotel help, if you know what I mean.
KOBE
Damn! Why’d I get married so young to such a crazy bitch?!?
PHIL JACKSON
Tried to warn you.
KOBE
I know. It’s almost as if I only like them if they’re money grubbing psychos. You’d think that would translate to good times in the sack but it never does.
(beat)
But have you seen Vanessa? Girl is fine.
PHIL JACKSON
True. But you gotta stop with the fame-whores, and just go with the whores.
KOBE
Learned that the hard way.
(beat)
Well, let’s get down to business. What do you think about the team?
PHIL JACKSON
I think I liked it better when it had a 7 foot 2 black man who no one could stop.
KOBE
Hey, we got Mihm...and Brian Grant. And don’t forget about Slava.
PHIL JACKSON
Believe me, I can’t forget that.
(beat)
Here’s the thing, Kobe. I kinda only like to coach teams that are really, really good. I mean, actual coaching doesn’t interest me.
KOBE
I understand.
PHIL JACKSON
Maybe if it was you, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, and Tim Duncan I’d be interested. You know, I could come in, and expertly guide you to the championship with some of my Zen philosophy that turns the best players in the world into the best players in the world.
KOBE
I know, Coach. But we really need you. It turns out I was wrong. And the worst part of it all is that when we don’t make the playoffs, that means more time with Vanessa.
PHIL JACKSON
Brutal.
KOBE
I know. So can’t you make an exception in this case?
PHIL JACKSON
Well, if I did this, I’d need a couple promises.
KOBE
Name 'em.
PHIL JACKSON
First, I think it would be a good idea if you started to have some paternity suits filed against you, and maybe even another rape charge.
KOBE
Really? Why?
PHIL JACKSON
Think about it, Kobe. Every time you choppered in from Colorado, you’d put up 40 and even pass the ball!
KOBE
I did, didn’t I?
PHIL JACKSON
Something about you being in court before coming onto the court took your game to the next level.
KOBE
You’re right. Consider it done.
PHIL JACKSON
Good, but there’s one other thing we have to do. We need a big man.
KOBE
I know, but where are going to find one. Trade up and get Andrew Bogut?
Phil laughs.
PHIL JACKSON
Are you crazy? Big white guys can’t play basketball - look at Eric Montross, Mark Madsen, Drew Malm - the list goes on and on.
KOBE
So what do we do?
PHIL JACKSON
We thaw out Wilt Chamberlain’s cryogenically frozen body, cure him of syphillis, and put him on the court with you.
KOBE
Wow! We can do that?
PHIL JACKSON
Of course we can! But keep in mind I’m still high from the giant Buddhist bong of holy weed.
FADE OUT:
Monday, April 25, 2005
Why it's okay to like that Kelly Clarkson song
We've all heard it, we've all tried to hate it, and we've all hoped it was at least Avril Lavigne (which isn't that much better). But no, friends, it's Kelly Clarkson singing that freaking "Since U Been Gone" song. Don't deny it, just come out here with me into the sunshine. It's okay, it's safe, let's hold hands and close our eyes and just admit that the thing is catchy. It is. There's nothing we can do about that. But there's no reason for us to feel embarrassed and ashamed about mouthing the words '...here's the thing...we started off friends...' in our cars, you know why? Because it's actually not Kelly Clarkson. Let me explain:
The music business is the most retarded business in the world. It's confusing and it doesn't make sense. It's partly based on old terms and old technology. The Grammy's award for "record of the year" is an award for the best song, not album. You see, they used to have these little round things called records and you'd put one song on them. Hence, record of the year. What the fuck? I don't know either and I kinda just figured it out. Also, when it's reported that a song was the "single of the year". That's total bullshit, because not every song you hear on the radio is released as a single. Some songs are specially packaged as singles and some aren't, I have no idea who makes these decisions and why. You'd be shocked (if you cared about this stuff as I do, which you probably don't, and in that case kudos to you for having a life) at what songs throughout the years weren't released as singles. Again, no idea why. And people "in the biz" keep saying "EP" and "LP" like normal people know what that is anymore. If you're under 40, you probably don't (or maybe i'm the only idiot).
In every other business, if you have a great product, you go out and sell that product. Not so in the music industry. The sad truth is that the product in music doesn't matter as much as who is selling it - that is, who is singing it. In the old days (the '60's), you could take a couple of shmoes like Simon and Garfunkle, I mean, really funny looking guys, and slap them on the album cover and the thing would sell. You know why? Cause they made great fucking music. Unfortunately, if Simon and Garfunkle were making music today (i mean, good, fresh, contemporary music) they'd be writing hits for the newest batch of American Idol contestants. That is sad. You see, the old days were an age of the singer-songwriter, and now we are in the age of the producer.
There once was this little group called The Monkees. They were fake. Some smart people got four good looking dudes (supposedly they were good looking, but hey, i'm a guy and i don't know about dudes being good looking and it was the '60's so maybe good looking was different then), put instruments in their hands, gave them great songs, and pretended like they were a real band. But they didn't write their own shit and they didn't play instruments. But the people behind them knew what they were doing musically and marketing wise, so they sold a lot of records. That was one band. Now every band is the Monkees.
Of course, not every band. There are many exceptions - R. Kelly, Green Day, Raphael Saadiq, U2, etc. But I think there are a lot more Monkees now than non-Monkees. And there are a lot of great producers around, making great music for these pretty Monkees. And that brings us back to the much despised Monkee - Kelly Clarkson and "Since U Been Gone".
You know why that song is so annoyingly catchy? Cause that moron didn't write it. Max Martin did. Who is Max Martin? He's some Swedish guy who has a very obnoxious habit of producing songs that become huge hits in America. I'm talking Britney Spears, I'm talking Backstreet Boys, I'm talking 'NSYNC, I'm even talking Ace of Base, people! I'm sure you hate these people, as I do (but let's give Justin a break, huh? can i put him on my Joshua Jackson, perfectly-innocent man-love list? thanks). But I guarantee you if your favorite band/singer/rapper did some of those Max Martin songs, you would've liked them. And that's the whole point here - in the music business, it's not the music, it's the idiot singing them. And that's unfortunate. I think I'd rather have it be that Max Martin just come out, and every song he writes, he sings, and then he is who he is as an artist and musician. But no, it'll never be that way, because no teenage American girl wants to scream her lungs out for a Swedish dude with a beer gut. So the next time someone you hate with a passion comes out with a song that you like, fear not: it was probably written and produced by someone completely different, someone who's actually, dare I say, talented.
Okay, my point is made but I just want to point out other interesting examples of this. Avril and Kelly Clarkson's songs all sound alike cause they use the same producers - mostly these guys from Canada who call themselves "The Matrix". I don't like The Game as a rapper that much, but I got his album and like it. Why? The producers on his album consisted of: Dr. Dre, Hi-Tek, Timbaland, Kanye West, Eminem. I could talk over those beats and it would go platinum. It's ridiculous. It says nothing of his talent, only that he was able to attract these amazing producers. But I think every one of these songs would've been made a thousand times better with other rappers.
You like that Ciara song "One Two Step"? No, you don't, you like Missy Elliot. You like that Gwen Stefani song "Hollaback Girl"? No, you like the Neptunes. You like that Gwen song with Eve too? Nope, you like Dr. Dre. You like Notorious B.I.G.? Nope, you like P. Diddy. Whoa, whoa, I touched a nerve with that one, didn't I? Let me apologize to my huge east coast readership. But let me just say that I think 2pac is way better than Biggie for the simple reason that Biggie only did stuff with Puffy. 2pac worked with whoever, it didn't matter, and it was still great. Was Biggie great on his own or did it have a lot to do with Puffy, who used to make a lot of hits for a lot of people, but now is just a parody of himself. Anyway, Biggie died before he got bad, like I wish Snoop had - but that's a subject for a soon to be column about how sometimes it's a good idea to die before you start sucking - cause people start to only remember the sucking - sorry, Snoop.
The music business is the most retarded business in the world. It's confusing and it doesn't make sense. It's partly based on old terms and old technology. The Grammy's award for "record of the year" is an award for the best song, not album. You see, they used to have these little round things called records and you'd put one song on them. Hence, record of the year. What the fuck? I don't know either and I kinda just figured it out. Also, when it's reported that a song was the "single of the year". That's total bullshit, because not every song you hear on the radio is released as a single. Some songs are specially packaged as singles and some aren't, I have no idea who makes these decisions and why. You'd be shocked (if you cared about this stuff as I do, which you probably don't, and in that case kudos to you for having a life) at what songs throughout the years weren't released as singles. Again, no idea why. And people "in the biz" keep saying "EP" and "LP" like normal people know what that is anymore. If you're under 40, you probably don't (or maybe i'm the only idiot).
In every other business, if you have a great product, you go out and sell that product. Not so in the music industry. The sad truth is that the product in music doesn't matter as much as who is selling it - that is, who is singing it. In the old days (the '60's), you could take a couple of shmoes like Simon and Garfunkle, I mean, really funny looking guys, and slap them on the album cover and the thing would sell. You know why? Cause they made great fucking music. Unfortunately, if Simon and Garfunkle were making music today (i mean, good, fresh, contemporary music) they'd be writing hits for the newest batch of American Idol contestants. That is sad. You see, the old days were an age of the singer-songwriter, and now we are in the age of the producer.
There once was this little group called The Monkees. They were fake. Some smart people got four good looking dudes (supposedly they were good looking, but hey, i'm a guy and i don't know about dudes being good looking and it was the '60's so maybe good looking was different then), put instruments in their hands, gave them great songs, and pretended like they were a real band. But they didn't write their own shit and they didn't play instruments. But the people behind them knew what they were doing musically and marketing wise, so they sold a lot of records. That was one band. Now every band is the Monkees.
Of course, not every band. There are many exceptions - R. Kelly, Green Day, Raphael Saadiq, U2, etc. But I think there are a lot more Monkees now than non-Monkees. And there are a lot of great producers around, making great music for these pretty Monkees. And that brings us back to the much despised Monkee - Kelly Clarkson and "Since U Been Gone".
You know why that song is so annoyingly catchy? Cause that moron didn't write it. Max Martin did. Who is Max Martin? He's some Swedish guy who has a very obnoxious habit of producing songs that become huge hits in America. I'm talking Britney Spears, I'm talking Backstreet Boys, I'm talking 'NSYNC, I'm even talking Ace of Base, people! I'm sure you hate these people, as I do (but let's give Justin a break, huh? can i put him on my Joshua Jackson, perfectly-innocent man-love list? thanks). But I guarantee you if your favorite band/singer/rapper did some of those Max Martin songs, you would've liked them. And that's the whole point here - in the music business, it's not the music, it's the idiot singing them. And that's unfortunate. I think I'd rather have it be that Max Martin just come out, and every song he writes, he sings, and then he is who he is as an artist and musician. But no, it'll never be that way, because no teenage American girl wants to scream her lungs out for a Swedish dude with a beer gut. So the next time someone you hate with a passion comes out with a song that you like, fear not: it was probably written and produced by someone completely different, someone who's actually, dare I say, talented.
Okay, my point is made but I just want to point out other interesting examples of this. Avril and Kelly Clarkson's songs all sound alike cause they use the same producers - mostly these guys from Canada who call themselves "The Matrix". I don't like The Game as a rapper that much, but I got his album and like it. Why? The producers on his album consisted of: Dr. Dre, Hi-Tek, Timbaland, Kanye West, Eminem. I could talk over those beats and it would go platinum. It's ridiculous. It says nothing of his talent, only that he was able to attract these amazing producers. But I think every one of these songs would've been made a thousand times better with other rappers.
You like that Ciara song "One Two Step"? No, you don't, you like Missy Elliot. You like that Gwen Stefani song "Hollaback Girl"? No, you like the Neptunes. You like that Gwen song with Eve too? Nope, you like Dr. Dre. You like Notorious B.I.G.? Nope, you like P. Diddy. Whoa, whoa, I touched a nerve with that one, didn't I? Let me apologize to my huge east coast readership. But let me just say that I think 2pac is way better than Biggie for the simple reason that Biggie only did stuff with Puffy. 2pac worked with whoever, it didn't matter, and it was still great. Was Biggie great on his own or did it have a lot to do with Puffy, who used to make a lot of hits for a lot of people, but now is just a parody of himself. Anyway, Biggie died before he got bad, like I wish Snoop had - but that's a subject for a soon to be column about how sometimes it's a good idea to die before you start sucking - cause people start to only remember the sucking - sorry, Snoop.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Thoughts on the comedy brat pack
I think it's cool when the same group of people make multiple movies together - like Woody Allen has certain actors he's worked with a lot, and of course, the great Christopher Guest has his amazing recurring cast. Maybe it's because I'm a loser (i think that's well documented at this point) who's favorite hobby is to go on imdb.com and look up all the connections between people, or maybe it's just because if people are funny together why not keep the train rolling? Either way, I'm heavily in favor of it.
The latest in this line of "troupes" is the comedy brat pack - I think that's what Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood or the one with an embarrassed and ashamed Sugar Ray are calling them. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, this group consists of:
Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Will Ferrell. You'll also find Jason Bateman, Jack Black, Missi Pyle, Andy Dick, Sean William Scott, Amy Smart and Juliette Lewis (I'm not including Christine Taylor on this list for obvious reasons - namely, she's Ben Stiller's wife and contributes nothing that couldn't be done by every other skinny actress in Hollywood)
I think it's safe to say that everyone likes one or more people on this list. For the most part, they are all very talented and very funny, and it's cool that they seem to like each other and enjoy working together. Sometimes the results are good: Old School, Meet the Parents, Bottle Rocket, The Cable Guy (if you don't like the Cable Guy, fuck you, it's genius). And sometimes the results are not so good: Starsky and Hutch, Dodgeball, anything where Ben Stiller is the lead.
I think where these guys go wrong is when they start thinking that if a lot of them just show up, funny stuff will happen. Not true. Though they are funny, I'd still like them to be in an actual movie instead of just being "wacky" for wackiness sake (this again harkens back to my whole one cam vs. 3 cam argument).
Really quick, the two laziest movies ever made are Starsky and Hutch, and Dodgeball. I think in both instances, they just thought, "hey, those sound like funny movies, let's go to the set and see what happens." You cannot make a good movie like that. Believe it or not, no matter how silly and stupid a good funny movie is, it takes lots of serious thought and writing and rewriting and rewriting to get it right. Nobody thought to do that on these movies. Holy crap is Dodgeball lazy! I mean, I can't blame them for thinking: we got Vaughn, we got Stiller, we got balls hitting guys in the nuts, what more do we need to do? It seems to add up to comedy, but this isn't a fucking snl skit, it's a whole movie. So you have to kinda be better than that. No matter how much some of you claim to have liked these movies, there are moments in both where you feel like it's amateur hour. Stuff doesn't make sense, it's too easy, the characters are just talking and trying to be funny (hi vince vaughn, talking to you. i love you, but not everything out of your mouth is funny, dude). I will never be able to get over my hatred of these movies, just brutal, but let's move on to sunnier thoughts.
Why am I writing about the comedy brat pack? Because I just saw their newest movie: "The Wedding Crashers". I'm not sure when it's coming out, but my friends got me into a sneak preview (thanks, d & t). And guess what? The movie is awesome! It's freaking hilarious. I honestly haven't laughed that hard in the theater at a movie in years. I'm not going to ruin anything with the details, but it's Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn as guys who crash weddings to meet ladies. Unfortunately, Vince still has that Tom Hanks head going, but at this point, I don't think there's any chance that he'll ever get his original head back. We all have to kiss that dream goodbye. But he's great, Owen's great, and Rachel McAdams, who is the female lead, is great.
Remember my whole theory about how the romantic leading lady must be so attractive that I have to want to make sweet love to her? Well, Rachel more than fills the bill. She's a looker, people, and a very good actress. She's going to be a big time star - and not in a made up star kinda way like Brittany Murphy, Gretchen Mol, Demi Moore (the older one who's now trying to come back, not the younger who I also hate with a passion and always played truly annoying characters, look it up), Jenna Elfman, Sara Foster, etc. No, this girl doesn't need the hype, vanity fair, she is the real deal. And I'm sorry, if I'm making a movie and it's a choice between Scarlett Johanssen and Rachel McAdams, it's not even a contest - which could involve my belief that "Lost in Translation" is the most overrated movie this side of "Sideways", but that's another issue. Anyway, love the McAdams.
This is the first movie in awhile for these guys where they were actually trying to make a movie. It's not lazy at all, they actually were smart and tried to make it good instead of sitting back and thinking the audience would laugh at whatever they do. It's not completely ridiculous and silly and over the top (like Anchorman, which I still liked), but it's actually more hilarious than previous movies but still has some semblance of a heart. And you can just tell that the people that made this movie actually have a brain. There's a lot - a lot - of smart decisions in this movie. And I appreciated that after seeing the likes of Dodgeball and being so disappointed. They did not get lazy. They were trying to be better than they needed to be, so nice work. The only problem with it? Fucking long. I've never enjoyed a movie this much and still wanted to check my watch (if i wore one). They'd be good to cut some time off of it, cause though it was so consistently funny, it seemed like it was never going to end. But other than that, comedy gold, chalk another one up for the comedy brat pack, or whatever Sugar Ray from Extra! is calling them. (the world is upside down - not only is the best rapper white and the best golfer black, but Mark McGrath is hosting Extra! and Pat O'Brien is doing coke off of a hookers' ass! i love america! oh, and the Pope is a Nazi. We truly live in a land of 2nd chances!)
The latest in this line of "troupes" is the comedy brat pack - I think that's what Entertainment Tonight or Access Hollywood or the one with an embarrassed and ashamed Sugar Ray are calling them. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, this group consists of:
Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Will Ferrell. You'll also find Jason Bateman, Jack Black, Missi Pyle, Andy Dick, Sean William Scott, Amy Smart and Juliette Lewis (I'm not including Christine Taylor on this list for obvious reasons - namely, she's Ben Stiller's wife and contributes nothing that couldn't be done by every other skinny actress in Hollywood)
I think it's safe to say that everyone likes one or more people on this list. For the most part, they are all very talented and very funny, and it's cool that they seem to like each other and enjoy working together. Sometimes the results are good: Old School, Meet the Parents, Bottle Rocket, The Cable Guy (if you don't like the Cable Guy, fuck you, it's genius). And sometimes the results are not so good: Starsky and Hutch, Dodgeball, anything where Ben Stiller is the lead.
I think where these guys go wrong is when they start thinking that if a lot of them just show up, funny stuff will happen. Not true. Though they are funny, I'd still like them to be in an actual movie instead of just being "wacky" for wackiness sake (this again harkens back to my whole one cam vs. 3 cam argument).
Really quick, the two laziest movies ever made are Starsky and Hutch, and Dodgeball. I think in both instances, they just thought, "hey, those sound like funny movies, let's go to the set and see what happens." You cannot make a good movie like that. Believe it or not, no matter how silly and stupid a good funny movie is, it takes lots of serious thought and writing and rewriting and rewriting to get it right. Nobody thought to do that on these movies. Holy crap is Dodgeball lazy! I mean, I can't blame them for thinking: we got Vaughn, we got Stiller, we got balls hitting guys in the nuts, what more do we need to do? It seems to add up to comedy, but this isn't a fucking snl skit, it's a whole movie. So you have to kinda be better than that. No matter how much some of you claim to have liked these movies, there are moments in both where you feel like it's amateur hour. Stuff doesn't make sense, it's too easy, the characters are just talking and trying to be funny (hi vince vaughn, talking to you. i love you, but not everything out of your mouth is funny, dude). I will never be able to get over my hatred of these movies, just brutal, but let's move on to sunnier thoughts.
Why am I writing about the comedy brat pack? Because I just saw their newest movie: "The Wedding Crashers". I'm not sure when it's coming out, but my friends got me into a sneak preview (thanks, d & t). And guess what? The movie is awesome! It's freaking hilarious. I honestly haven't laughed that hard in the theater at a movie in years. I'm not going to ruin anything with the details, but it's Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn as guys who crash weddings to meet ladies. Unfortunately, Vince still has that Tom Hanks head going, but at this point, I don't think there's any chance that he'll ever get his original head back. We all have to kiss that dream goodbye. But he's great, Owen's great, and Rachel McAdams, who is the female lead, is great.
Remember my whole theory about how the romantic leading lady must be so attractive that I have to want to make sweet love to her? Well, Rachel more than fills the bill. She's a looker, people, and a very good actress. She's going to be a big time star - and not in a made up star kinda way like Brittany Murphy, Gretchen Mol, Demi Moore (the older one who's now trying to come back, not the younger who I also hate with a passion and always played truly annoying characters, look it up), Jenna Elfman, Sara Foster, etc. No, this girl doesn't need the hype, vanity fair, she is the real deal. And I'm sorry, if I'm making a movie and it's a choice between Scarlett Johanssen and Rachel McAdams, it's not even a contest - which could involve my belief that "Lost in Translation" is the most overrated movie this side of "Sideways", but that's another issue. Anyway, love the McAdams.
This is the first movie in awhile for these guys where they were actually trying to make a movie. It's not lazy at all, they actually were smart and tried to make it good instead of sitting back and thinking the audience would laugh at whatever they do. It's not completely ridiculous and silly and over the top (like Anchorman, which I still liked), but it's actually more hilarious than previous movies but still has some semblance of a heart. And you can just tell that the people that made this movie actually have a brain. There's a lot - a lot - of smart decisions in this movie. And I appreciated that after seeing the likes of Dodgeball and being so disappointed. They did not get lazy. They were trying to be better than they needed to be, so nice work. The only problem with it? Fucking long. I've never enjoyed a movie this much and still wanted to check my watch (if i wore one). They'd be good to cut some time off of it, cause though it was so consistently funny, it seemed like it was never going to end. But other than that, comedy gold, chalk another one up for the comedy brat pack, or whatever Sugar Ray from Extra! is calling them. (the world is upside down - not only is the best rapper white and the best golfer black, but Mark McGrath is hosting Extra! and Pat O'Brien is doing coke off of a hookers' ass! i love america! oh, and the Pope is a Nazi. We truly live in a land of 2nd chances!)
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Dying for Dolly Sneak Preview!
Imagine that you found a broken egg on the ground - given up on and left for dead. People had seen potential in the egg, but now it was broken. But you saw an opportunity, and you picked up the pieces of the broken egg and started putting it together. No help from anyone, no pay, no attention, just because you thought the egg could be something and that's what you love to do. And once you put it together, you gave it to the powers that be and they were impressed. But unfortunately, DMX got arrested so the egg was worthless again. But then, someone even bigger and better than DMX came along and liked the egg a lot. And because that person liked it, all of the sudden lots of other people started to like it. This egg combined with that star made everything start to happen. All of the sudden everyone cared about the egg, which is funny because just a couple months earlier it was you and the egg alone, but now there's "people" fawning over it and getting excited about this egg that you built. So the powers that be take that egg that everyone loves and they do the only thing they know how to do - they break the fucking egg. They smash it to bits, and then try to rebuild it in a very less funny, less cool way. Why? Because they're 55 years old, white, and just directed Pluto Nash, the biggest failure in film history and have no idea what a good egg looks like anymore.
Sorry, but that's not the end of the self serving portion of this entry:
I watched DFD with Cara in an edit bay with the director and the editor.
Okay, first the good news - it's not as horrible as expected. It looks and feels like a real movie. Usher is actually great. He's likeable (i swear). He's natural. You will root for him. A lot of the truly hack shit they wrote and shot didn't make it in. It's possible that this thing could actually come out in theaters, and with the right trailer, it would make a shit load of money just because of the music and Usher.
Now, the bad news. They ruined the fucking movie! After the first 20 minutes I was thinking: "You know what? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they knew what they were doing. I'm man enough to admit that I was wrong and they were right." And then the next 77 minutes happened. They kept the basic structure of the movie and then took what was funny and good and made logical sense and made it not funny, less good, and nonsensical. Obviously, I'm not impartial. But I've been writing for long enough now that I know when stuff is better than mine. I've written stuff and then Cheryl Holliday or others have put their spin on it and I see that they are writers and I am something adjacent to writer. I have a huge respect for good shit. I think a lot of the stuff I do is crap. Trust me, this is not better. And the shame of it is, it's done for no reason. They even ignored a lot of their own notes. Actually, most of their own notes. It was made crappy because this is the business of the film industry. It doesn't matter that 85 percent of the decision makers think that something is great, it has to be that 100 percent of the decision makers think that something is passable. Next time you go to a movie and wonder how something so bad was made, that's how. Something was good in the beginning. But not EVERYONE thought so. There was one or two guys, probably one of them was Alex Asshat, and they thought it wasn't good. They thought there wasn't enough subtext or some words they heard somewhere from people more talented than them. And so they changed a minor thing. And then another. And then another. And then the people who really liked it before don't like it as much anymore, and they wanted some changes because of the new changes. And so on and so on, until you get a Kate Hudson movie. I know now, that's how it works. Believe me, Cara, I know. But it just bums me out.
Second piece of bad news: the female lead doesn't look good. I think there was only one moment where I actually had a notion in my head that I wanted to fuck her. And that was in the middle of it. This is a problem. You don't understand why this dude would want to risk stuff for this girl. Especially when the black girl who wants him is the hottest girl I've ever seen. It doesn't add up, people! When I watch movies like this, the only way I'll keep watching when it's on TBS for the 100th time is if I really want to have sex with the girl. A quick look at some random examples: Dushku in Bring It on, Zellweger in Jerry Maguire (i swear to God she was hot then, I swear), Cuthbert in Girl Next Door (sorry, but that movie is GREAT), J. Lo in anything (dammit i hate myself, but i love her).
Third piece of bad news: it's slow. It needs to be 10 minutes shorter. At least. I think that will be fixed. But it was slow even with the "temp" music that was in it. They had my boy Fiddy in there, the Game, Usher's songs, the best shit you can have and it was still slow. They are negotiating for a soundtrack right now and that is going to be key. If they don't have good music in there, it will be fucked. Pray for music.
Someone told me I'm sounding bitter. Damn fucking right. I found the egg. It was broken. I fixed it. We worked our asses off on it. We put our hearts into it not just because we thought it was going to be good (we didn't really, but were trying), but because we wanted our names on a movie. Well, we got it. But in the process, we've been lectured, talked down to, patronized, personally insulted, overrun and forgotten. All the while being told that I should be grateful to just to be near it, and smile and be thankful for it all. And that's one of my biggest regrets. There's probably nothing I could've done differently, but at a certain point I could've stood up to and said "you guys are wrong. do what you want to do, but I'm not involved anymore." It was hard to know to do that, especially since it was my first time in this world. And now after seeing the cut of the film, what they've done, I see that had no clue what they were talking about. None. They wanted the comfort of having some piece of shit who sits in the writer's room at CSI to do their bidding. That makes them feel better than some guy from The Soup or the EP's daughter. But guys, sometimes the guy from The Soup and the EP's daughter actually know what they're talking about it. Cause guess what? We're the ones that got Paseornack on board, got Usher, got even you, Hack, we're the ones - not some bitch from CSI.
Sorry, I'm getting off my point. I'm embarassed to tell people about this whole thing because they get the wrong idea. They think I'm rich (a girl yesterday said to me: "you must've made millions!"), that i'm so excited, that it's the greatest thing in the world. True, it is a great thing and I would never, ever trade it for anything in the world, but honestly, it's been one of the worst experiences of my life - but it's never made me want to do this. It's actually motivated me more. Because this is how it works - when you're young and inexperienced you get taken advantage of and pissed on, and eventually you work your way up, do good work, think you're the shit, make lots of money, start doing bad work, and realize you've turned into a Hackwood. Oh, dare to dream. But it's still difficult right now because, you know, I miss my egg, and I wonder what it would've looked like.
Sorry, but that's not the end of the self serving portion of this entry:
I watched DFD with Cara in an edit bay with the director and the editor.
Okay, first the good news - it's not as horrible as expected. It looks and feels like a real movie. Usher is actually great. He's likeable (i swear). He's natural. You will root for him. A lot of the truly hack shit they wrote and shot didn't make it in. It's possible that this thing could actually come out in theaters, and with the right trailer, it would make a shit load of money just because of the music and Usher.
Now, the bad news. They ruined the fucking movie! After the first 20 minutes I was thinking: "You know what? Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they knew what they were doing. I'm man enough to admit that I was wrong and they were right." And then the next 77 minutes happened. They kept the basic structure of the movie and then took what was funny and good and made logical sense and made it not funny, less good, and nonsensical. Obviously, I'm not impartial. But I've been writing for long enough now that I know when stuff is better than mine. I've written stuff and then Cheryl Holliday or others have put their spin on it and I see that they are writers and I am something adjacent to writer. I have a huge respect for good shit. I think a lot of the stuff I do is crap. Trust me, this is not better. And the shame of it is, it's done for no reason. They even ignored a lot of their own notes. Actually, most of their own notes. It was made crappy because this is the business of the film industry. It doesn't matter that 85 percent of the decision makers think that something is great, it has to be that 100 percent of the decision makers think that something is passable. Next time you go to a movie and wonder how something so bad was made, that's how. Something was good in the beginning. But not EVERYONE thought so. There was one or two guys, probably one of them was Alex Asshat, and they thought it wasn't good. They thought there wasn't enough subtext or some words they heard somewhere from people more talented than them. And so they changed a minor thing. And then another. And then another. And then the people who really liked it before don't like it as much anymore, and they wanted some changes because of the new changes. And so on and so on, until you get a Kate Hudson movie. I know now, that's how it works. Believe me, Cara, I know. But it just bums me out.
Second piece of bad news: the female lead doesn't look good. I think there was only one moment where I actually had a notion in my head that I wanted to fuck her. And that was in the middle of it. This is a problem. You don't understand why this dude would want to risk stuff for this girl. Especially when the black girl who wants him is the hottest girl I've ever seen. It doesn't add up, people! When I watch movies like this, the only way I'll keep watching when it's on TBS for the 100th time is if I really want to have sex with the girl. A quick look at some random examples: Dushku in Bring It on, Zellweger in Jerry Maguire (i swear to God she was hot then, I swear), Cuthbert in Girl Next Door (sorry, but that movie is GREAT), J. Lo in anything (dammit i hate myself, but i love her).
Third piece of bad news: it's slow. It needs to be 10 minutes shorter. At least. I think that will be fixed. But it was slow even with the "temp" music that was in it. They had my boy Fiddy in there, the Game, Usher's songs, the best shit you can have and it was still slow. They are negotiating for a soundtrack right now and that is going to be key. If they don't have good music in there, it will be fucked. Pray for music.
Someone told me I'm sounding bitter. Damn fucking right. I found the egg. It was broken. I fixed it. We worked our asses off on it. We put our hearts into it not just because we thought it was going to be good (we didn't really, but were trying), but because we wanted our names on a movie. Well, we got it. But in the process, we've been lectured, talked down to, patronized, personally insulted, overrun and forgotten. All the while being told that I should be grateful to just to be near it, and smile and be thankful for it all. And that's one of my biggest regrets. There's probably nothing I could've done differently, but at a certain point I could've stood up to and said "you guys are wrong. do what you want to do, but I'm not involved anymore." It was hard to know to do that, especially since it was my first time in this world. And now after seeing the cut of the film, what they've done, I see that had no clue what they were talking about. None. They wanted the comfort of having some piece of shit who sits in the writer's room at CSI to do their bidding. That makes them feel better than some guy from The Soup or the EP's daughter. But guys, sometimes the guy from The Soup and the EP's daughter actually know what they're talking about it. Cause guess what? We're the ones that got Paseornack on board, got Usher, got even you, Hack, we're the ones - not some bitch from CSI.
Sorry, I'm getting off my point. I'm embarassed to tell people about this whole thing because they get the wrong idea. They think I'm rich (a girl yesterday said to me: "you must've made millions!"), that i'm so excited, that it's the greatest thing in the world. True, it is a great thing and I would never, ever trade it for anything in the world, but honestly, it's been one of the worst experiences of my life - but it's never made me want to do this. It's actually motivated me more. Because this is how it works - when you're young and inexperienced you get taken advantage of and pissed on, and eventually you work your way up, do good work, think you're the shit, make lots of money, start doing bad work, and realize you've turned into a Hackwood. Oh, dare to dream. But it's still difficult right now because, you know, I miss my egg, and I wonder what it would've looked like.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
HOLY smoke stack
I was watching the very enjoyable season of "The Bachelor" last night, and a tease for the upcoming local news came on, and it went something like this:
NEWS GUY
Who will be the next Pope? Our smoke stack cam is standing by!
Who will be the next Pope? Our smoke stack cam is standing by!
You heard me - smoke stack cam. Okay, for those of you who aren't religious or don't watch the news, let me explain this smoke stack thing real quick. The Cardinals are locked up inside the Vatican trying to figure out who the next Pope will be, and everyday they send smoke up to indicate if they've made a decision. White smoke if they've picked a Pope, black smoke if they haven't. And people in Rome gather outside and wait to see what the smoke will tell them.
Smoke signals? The Pope spent something like $10 million bucks on the place the Cardinals are staying in, you're telling me they don't have WiFi up in there? And I guarantee you they didn't rub sticks together to get that fire going either, you know they used one of those quick light thingys. And if you're going to use one of those quick light thingys, you might as well use a freaking telephone. They sent up some greyish smoke earlier in the day, but it was just cause they were "a bit chilly". And then later some brownish smoke went up but it turned out that the Cardinals were just listening to some Hendrix.
These are jokes, people, but the point is that what the fuck is up with the smoke stack?!? Ladies, I'm specifically talking to you. I mean, given this smoke stack situation, I'm thinking it's going to be another 300 years or so before these dudes are caught up on this wacky sufferage movement. Doesn't this concern you? They're using smoke to signal us! Smoke! What does this mean for the critical issues facing the Church? If they think smoke is the latest communication technology, then they probably think birth control means putting your head on a woman's stomach and listening for the distant pitter-patter of ovaries. And I'm guessing their idea of pro-choice means giving women the right to actually have vaginas. I don't know what that means but you know what I mean.
Wait a minute, this just coming in...oh my God, the smoke is white!!! Either the Cardinals are roasting marshmellows again, or we have a new Pope! And he's...78 years old. And he's...German. And he's chosen the name...Benedict. Oh yeah, this bodes well.
All right, that is all. I apologize to those who I have offended, but come on, they're using a smoke stack for Christ Sakes!!!
Smoke signals? The Pope spent something like $10 million bucks on the place the Cardinals are staying in, you're telling me they don't have WiFi up in there? And I guarantee you they didn't rub sticks together to get that fire going either, you know they used one of those quick light thingys. And if you're going to use one of those quick light thingys, you might as well use a freaking telephone. They sent up some greyish smoke earlier in the day, but it was just cause they were "a bit chilly". And then later some brownish smoke went up but it turned out that the Cardinals were just listening to some Hendrix.
These are jokes, people, but the point is that what the fuck is up with the smoke stack?!? Ladies, I'm specifically talking to you. I mean, given this smoke stack situation, I'm thinking it's going to be another 300 years or so before these dudes are caught up on this wacky sufferage movement. Doesn't this concern you? They're using smoke to signal us! Smoke! What does this mean for the critical issues facing the Church? If they think smoke is the latest communication technology, then they probably think birth control means putting your head on a woman's stomach and listening for the distant pitter-patter of ovaries. And I'm guessing their idea of pro-choice means giving women the right to actually have vaginas. I don't know what that means but you know what I mean.
Wait a minute, this just coming in...oh my God, the smoke is white!!! Either the Cardinals are roasting marshmellows again, or we have a new Pope! And he's...78 years old. And he's...German. And he's chosen the name...Benedict. Oh yeah, this bodes well.
All right, that is all. I apologize to those who I have offended, but come on, they're using a smoke stack for Christ Sakes!!!
Monday, April 18, 2005
My friend, Scientology, and Tom Cruise
This is a funny little story, I'll try to do it some justice.
My friend is a friend of a friend of Jamie Foxx (i know: my sister's cousin's roommate's dog, shut the hell up). And everyone knows that Tom Cruise struck up a friendship with Jamie while they worked on "Collateral" together. Their friendship is real and normal (no gay stuff), and the two actually hang out together. A quick seque about Tom for a second:
Now we've all seen him on various talk shows where he has super energy, and he laughs really hard and A LOT. It's really weird and really annoying, and dare I say extremely creepy (editor's note: I acknowledge this creepiness even though I'm a big Tom Cruise fan, even Cocktail!). Now supposedly a lot of these Scientology dudes are like this. I guess part of the deal of the cult (er, religion) is to be "up" and high energy and "hey, how you doing?!!!!!!!!? Great to see you!!!! I'm Tom Cruise, it's great to be here!!! And that's how Tom is in social situations, and definitely how he is on every talk show we've all seen. Back to Tom and Jamie:
So I guess Tom would call up Jamie and they'd go out with his buddies and eat dinner, or get a drink, hang out, etc. And this is literally what happened after several of these nights out:
My friend is a friend of a friend of Jamie Foxx (i know: my sister's cousin's roommate's dog, shut the hell up). And everyone knows that Tom Cruise struck up a friendship with Jamie while they worked on "Collateral" together. Their friendship is real and normal (no gay stuff), and the two actually hang out together. A quick seque about Tom for a second:
Now we've all seen him on various talk shows where he has super energy, and he laughs really hard and A LOT. It's really weird and really annoying, and dare I say extremely creepy (editor's note: I acknowledge this creepiness even though I'm a big Tom Cruise fan, even Cocktail!). Now supposedly a lot of these Scientology dudes are like this. I guess part of the deal of the cult (er, religion) is to be "up" and high energy and "hey, how you doing?!!!!!!!!? Great to see you!!!! I'm Tom Cruise, it's great to be here!!! And that's how Tom is in social situations, and definitely how he is on every talk show we've all seen. Back to Tom and Jamie:
So I guess Tom would call up Jamie and they'd go out with his buddies and eat dinner, or get a drink, hang out, etc. And this is literally what happened after several of these nights out:
Jami Foxx's Friend
Hi honey, do you want to go hang out with Jamie tonight?
Wife
Um, is Tom Cruise going to be there?
Jami Foxx's Friend
Yeah, I think so.
Wife
No thanks.
Jami Foxx's Other Friend
What's up, baby? How you living? (this friend is black) You wanna hang with Jamie and Tom tonight?
Wife
Actually, I'm kinda Tom Cruised out.
Hi honey, do you want to go hang out with Jamie tonight?
Wife
Um, is Tom Cruise going to be there?
Jami Foxx's Friend
Yeah, I think so.
Wife
No thanks.
And this too:
Jami Foxx's Other Friend
What's up, baby? How you living? (this friend is black) You wanna hang with Jamie and Tom tonight?
Wife
Actually, I'm kinda Tom Cruised out.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Stuff I'd write if I wrote for Craig Ferguson
It has been reported that George Bush has an Ipod and recently loaded it up with songs. Our crack staff has got a hold of a portion of the presidential playlist:
50 Cent - "Get Rich or Die Tryin'"
Green Day - "American Idiot"
Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg - "Let's Get High"
Bob Marley - "No Woman, No Choice"
The Crystal Method - "Weapons of Mass Distortion"
Chumbawamba - "Lie Lie Lie Lie"
Kenneth Starr - "The Starr Report", book on tape
Noam Chomsky - "It's the Oil"
Don Williams - "Good Ole' Boys Like Me"
Shania Twain - "Gonna Getcha Good!"
Clint Black - "Summer's Comin' (Except for you, dirty A-rab)"
Kim Richey - "Can't Find the Words"
Jim Evans - "Can't Find the Words"
Roger Bartlett - "Can't Find the Words"
Wire to Wire - "Can't Find the Words"
Ex-Models - "He Can't Put It Into Words"
Christene LeDoux - "The Words I Can't Get Out"
K-Ci & Jo Jo - "I Can't Find the Words"
50 Cent - "Get Rich or Die Tryin'"
Green Day - "American Idiot"
Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg - "Let's Get High"
Bob Marley - "No Woman, No Choice"
The Crystal Method - "Weapons of Mass Distortion"
Chumbawamba - "Lie Lie Lie Lie"
Kenneth Starr - "The Starr Report", book on tape
Noam Chomsky - "It's the Oil"
Don Williams - "Good Ole' Boys Like Me"
Shania Twain - "Gonna Getcha Good!"
Clint Black - "Summer's Comin' (Except for you, dirty A-rab)"
Kim Richey - "Can't Find the Words"
Jim Evans - "Can't Find the Words"
Roger Bartlett - "Can't Find the Words"
Wire to Wire - "Can't Find the Words"
Ex-Models - "He Can't Put It Into Words"
Christene LeDoux - "The Words I Can't Get Out"
K-Ci & Jo Jo - "I Can't Find the Words"
Thursday, April 14, 2005
FADE IN:
INT. BRITNEY’S WOMB - DAY
IDENTICAL TWIN FETUSES lie face to face inside their mother’s womb. An umbilical chord sticks out of both of their bellies.
Twin #1 rubs his belly.
Twin #2 shakes his head, and the other twin notices.
Twin #2 shakes his head in disappointment and shame.
FADE OUT:
INT. BRITNEY’S WOMB - DAY
IDENTICAL TWIN FETUSES lie face to face inside their mother’s womb. An umbilical chord sticks out of both of their bellies.
Twin #1 rubs his belly.
TWIN #1
Uh, oh, you feel that?
TWIN #2
Yep.
TWIN #1
Cheetos and Jim Beam again.
(beat)
Love it!
Uh, oh, you feel that?
TWIN #2
Yep.
TWIN #1
Cheetos and Jim Beam again.
(beat)
Love it!
Twin #2 shakes his head, and the other twin notices.
TWIN #1
What’s wrong?
TWIN #2
Don’t you see what’s going on here?
TWIN #1
Nothing but good eatin’, y’all!
TWIN #2
See, that’s it right there.
TWIN #1
Right where?
TWIN #2
Open your eyes, man!
TWIN #1
I can’t, we’re swimming in mom’s natal fluid.
TWIN #2
I meant that metaphorically.
(beat)
Think about it: the Cheetos, the Jim Beam, the way you keep saying y’all even though it’s just me. It all adds up.
TWIN #1
It all adds up to what?
TWIN #2
Our mom’s Britney Spears!
TWIN #1
Britney Spears?
(beat)
So that explains my bad skin.
TWIN #2
That’s right - acne, unfortunate fashion choices, and an inability to sing or dance.
(beat)
But it’s not only that, it means we’re also...
TWIN #1
Federlines.
TWIN #2
Oh, man, and I was kinda hoping to be smart.
TWIN #1
Kiss that dream goodbye.
(beat)
But at least we’ll be rich.
TWIN #2
Who cares about being rich when you’re dumb?
TWIN #1
We can be like the new Hilton sisters.
TWIN #2
Oh, great. Dumb, rich, no talent whores.
TWIN #1
You’ve got to go with your strengths.
TWIN #2
I guess. I was just hoping our strengths would involve singing instead of just pretending to.
TWIN #1
You’re looking at this all wrong. We’re going to have a life of luxury, we’ll party with celebrities, we’ll smoke the best weed and snort the purest coke!
(beat)
And when we turn 16, threesome with Bruce Willis!
TWIN #2
Maybe you’re right.
TWIN #1
Damn right I’m right.
TWIN #2
Okay, I’ll deal with it. But if that ass clown starts dressing us in camo shorts and wife beaters, I’m outta here.
TWIN #1
Fair enough.
TWIN #2
And I’m not hanging out with his bastard children.
TWIN #1
I don’t think mom’s allowed within 100 yards of them anyway.
TWIN #2
Good.
TWIN #1
Wait. Take a breath. You feel that?
TWIN #2
How can I not?
TWIN #1
The delicious taste of menthols. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, y’all!
What’s wrong?
TWIN #2
Don’t you see what’s going on here?
TWIN #1
Nothing but good eatin’, y’all!
TWIN #2
See, that’s it right there.
TWIN #1
Right where?
TWIN #2
Open your eyes, man!
TWIN #1
I can’t, we’re swimming in mom’s natal fluid.
TWIN #2
I meant that metaphorically.
(beat)
Think about it: the Cheetos, the Jim Beam, the way you keep saying y’all even though it’s just me. It all adds up.
TWIN #1
It all adds up to what?
TWIN #2
Our mom’s Britney Spears!
TWIN #1
Britney Spears?
(beat)
So that explains my bad skin.
TWIN #2
That’s right - acne, unfortunate fashion choices, and an inability to sing or dance.
(beat)
But it’s not only that, it means we’re also...
TWIN #1
Federlines.
TWIN #2
Oh, man, and I was kinda hoping to be smart.
TWIN #1
Kiss that dream goodbye.
(beat)
But at least we’ll be rich.
TWIN #2
Who cares about being rich when you’re dumb?
TWIN #1
We can be like the new Hilton sisters.
TWIN #2
Oh, great. Dumb, rich, no talent whores.
TWIN #1
You’ve got to go with your strengths.
TWIN #2
I guess. I was just hoping our strengths would involve singing instead of just pretending to.
TWIN #1
You’re looking at this all wrong. We’re going to have a life of luxury, we’ll party with celebrities, we’ll smoke the best weed and snort the purest coke!
(beat)
And when we turn 16, threesome with Bruce Willis!
TWIN #2
Maybe you’re right.
TWIN #1
Damn right I’m right.
TWIN #2
Okay, I’ll deal with it. But if that ass clown starts dressing us in camo shorts and wife beaters, I’m outta here.
TWIN #1
Fair enough.
TWIN #2
And I’m not hanging out with his bastard children.
TWIN #1
I don’t think mom’s allowed within 100 yards of them anyway.
TWIN #2
Good.
TWIN #1
Wait. Take a breath. You feel that?
TWIN #2
How can I not?
TWIN #1
The delicious taste of menthols. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, y’all!
Twin #2 shakes his head in disappointment and shame.
FADE OUT:
Memo to the Hollywood Powers That Be
No one likes Debra Messing. No one.
If a season of The Apprentice is on, I'll watch it. If three seasons of The Apprentice are on in one calendar year, I'll watch none.
If small black movies are making shitloads of money (they are), then why do you keep making "Sahara"? (hmm, I wonder how such a young, inexperienced director such as Breck Eisner got hired to direct a $100 million dollar movie such as Sahara? How, Breck Eisner, did the Disney company discover you? Tell me your secret, Breck EISNER)
Television executives, before you give your next round of sitcom notes like "make the characters more likeable", or "too edgy", watch "The Simple Life" and realize you're an idiot.
Just because a show is popular, doesn't mean that all of the actors in that show are popular (oh, Mischa. Poor, untalented, unlikeable Mischa).
So let me get this straight: Ashlee Simpson, Kelly Osbourne, C-Murder, The Ying-Yang Twins all can have their albums come out, but Q-Tip's isn't good enough?
And on the 8th day, God said "Let their TiVOs be intertwined with their cell phones." And the TiVO's were. And it was good.
I love 50 Cent as much as the next guy, but I don't think that motherfucker needs to be playing on every radio station every second.
Many years ago I was flipping through the channels and stopped on the movie "Grumpier Old Men". I told my dad who was in it and he said he didn't want to watch it and I asked him why. He said because of Sofia Loren. I asked, "don't you like Sofia Loren?" And he said, "I love her, she's great." "Then why don't you want to watch it?" And he said, "Well, imagine in thirty years some girl you think is hot right now is in something as an old broad. Would you really want to see her like that, or would you just want to remember the way she was in her hey day?" Well, it hasn't been thirty years, but I watched "Stacked" with Pamela Anderson last night. So dad, let me tell you: I understand, man, I understand.
If a season of The Apprentice is on, I'll watch it. If three seasons of The Apprentice are on in one calendar year, I'll watch none.
If small black movies are making shitloads of money (they are), then why do you keep making "Sahara"? (hmm, I wonder how such a young, inexperienced director such as Breck Eisner got hired to direct a $100 million dollar movie such as Sahara? How, Breck Eisner, did the Disney company discover you? Tell me your secret, Breck EISNER)
Television executives, before you give your next round of sitcom notes like "make the characters more likeable", or "too edgy", watch "The Simple Life" and realize you're an idiot.
Just because a show is popular, doesn't mean that all of the actors in that show are popular (oh, Mischa. Poor, untalented, unlikeable Mischa).
So let me get this straight: Ashlee Simpson, Kelly Osbourne, C-Murder, The Ying-Yang Twins all can have their albums come out, but Q-Tip's isn't good enough?
And on the 8th day, God said "Let their TiVOs be intertwined with their cell phones." And the TiVO's were. And it was good.
I love 50 Cent as much as the next guy, but I don't think that motherfucker needs to be playing on every radio station every second.
Many years ago I was flipping through the channels and stopped on the movie "Grumpier Old Men". I told my dad who was in it and he said he didn't want to watch it and I asked him why. He said because of Sofia Loren. I asked, "don't you like Sofia Loren?" And he said, "I love her, she's great." "Then why don't you want to watch it?" And he said, "Well, imagine in thirty years some girl you think is hot right now is in something as an old broad. Would you really want to see her like that, or would you just want to remember the way she was in her hey day?" Well, it hasn't been thirty years, but I watched "Stacked" with Pamela Anderson last night. So dad, let me tell you: I understand, man, I understand.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Paul Giamatti - Brilliant actor or one trick pony?
So I rented "Storytelling" and watched it tonight. It was written and directed by Todd Solondz, who did "Welcome to the Dollhouse" and "Happinness, and who I think is a genius. Anyway, as the opening credits came on I saw Paul Giamatti's name. I didn't know that he was in this movie, but immediately I made a crazy guess as to the role he'd be playing - that of the unattractive loser.
Well, Giamatti came on the screen and lo and behold, he somehow managed to morph himself, chameleon-like, into the role of...unattractive wannabe filmmaker loser. I'm not gonna go patting myself on the back for predicting that, cause guessing that is sorta like predicting Mischa Barton will never win an Emmy.
Now this guy has gotten a lot of critical acclaim in the last couple years, and especially recently with "Sideways". But is he a great "actor", or just a guy who's only good at being a loser? Let's take a look at the man's filmography to see his range (Let's focus on the loser part - I'll forgive the fact that his characters are always "unattractive", because, well, look at the shlub)
American Splendor - Logline: An original mix of fiction and reality illuminates the life of comic book hero everyman Harvey Pekar (for those of you not in the "biz", everyman equates to loser).
Sideways - Logline: Two men reaching middle age with not much to show but disappointment, embark on a week long road trip through California's wine country, just as one is about to take a trip down the aisle.
The Hawk is Dying (2005) Logline: A Gainesville Florida auto upholsterer (Giamatti) attempts to subvert his mundane life by training a wild, red-tailed hawk.
Paper Man (2006) Logline: Check out this logline: A man (Giamatti) faced with a crumbling marriage and career -- and a bizarre relationship with an imaginary superhero who's been by his side since childhood -- is reinvigorated by his new friendship with a high school student.
Obviously, he's done more movies than this, but these are four movies in which he played the lead - you'll just have to take my word for it that in his other films, he didn't play "super cop #1" or "square-jawed love interest". I'm not hating on the guy for being both unattractive and a loser, but what I'm saying is that I think actors should actually have to act sometimes. Philip Seymour Hoffman is unattractive and has played losers, but he's also kicked ass as other stuff (Talented Mr. Ripley isn't a great movie, but Hoffman as rich prepster Freddie Myles is gold).
Let me get to my real point of this long thing, and that is: "Sideways" is way, way, way overrated, people!!! If any of you had seen "American Splendor" than you wouldn't have liked "Sideways". He's the same annoying, unattractive, annoying loser in both. And did I mention he's really annoying? Cause he is. Seriously, I couldn't stand to listen to him for more than 2 seconds. You know why? Cause I was forced to watch that same annoying asshole for 2 hours during "American Splendor"! This killed "Sideways" (that, and the fact that Sandra Oh was supposedly some hot girl that a guy voluntarily would have sex with). Who would actually be friends with this guy in real life? What woman would actually give this guy a shot? Definitely not Virgina Madsen. Virginia Madsen is hot. Way too hot for this guy. So let me get this straight: He looks like Paul Giamatti, he acts weird, uncomfortable, and annoying around her (I said annoying again, didn't I?), awkwardly kisses her, lies to her, etc., and she's like..."Give me some of that!" No, I don't think so. Even if Paul Giamatt were playing a superhero and not this loser, Virginia Madsen would still probably only want to be friends while she has a steamy affair with Bruce Willis. It's an insult to all single men! You think I can go down to the beach here, spit out a couple of corny ass metaphors about how grapes are just like me, and Virginia Madsen would be all intrigued at my complexity? I've tried it, no dice.
So Paul Giamatti, you did it, you can be a loser. A really annoying, unattractive loser. You've nailed it, hit it out of the park, really. Now it's time to move on. Please.
Well, Giamatti came on the screen and lo and behold, he somehow managed to morph himself, chameleon-like, into the role of...unattractive wannabe filmmaker loser. I'm not gonna go patting myself on the back for predicting that, cause guessing that is sorta like predicting Mischa Barton will never win an Emmy.
Now this guy has gotten a lot of critical acclaim in the last couple years, and especially recently with "Sideways". But is he a great "actor", or just a guy who's only good at being a loser? Let's take a look at the man's filmography to see his range (Let's focus on the loser part - I'll forgive the fact that his characters are always "unattractive", because, well, look at the shlub)
American Splendor - Logline: An original mix of fiction and reality illuminates the life of comic book hero everyman Harvey Pekar (for those of you not in the "biz", everyman equates to loser).
Sideways - Logline: Two men reaching middle age with not much to show but disappointment, embark on a week long road trip through California's wine country, just as one is about to take a trip down the aisle.
The Hawk is Dying (2005) Logline: A Gainesville Florida auto upholsterer (Giamatti) attempts to subvert his mundane life by training a wild, red-tailed hawk.
Paper Man (2006) Logline: Check out this logline: A man (Giamatti) faced with a crumbling marriage and career -- and a bizarre relationship with an imaginary superhero who's been by his side since childhood -- is reinvigorated by his new friendship with a high school student.
Obviously, he's done more movies than this, but these are four movies in which he played the lead - you'll just have to take my word for it that in his other films, he didn't play "super cop #1" or "square-jawed love interest". I'm not hating on the guy for being both unattractive and a loser, but what I'm saying is that I think actors should actually have to act sometimes. Philip Seymour Hoffman is unattractive and has played losers, but he's also kicked ass as other stuff (Talented Mr. Ripley isn't a great movie, but Hoffman as rich prepster Freddie Myles is gold).
Let me get to my real point of this long thing, and that is: "Sideways" is way, way, way overrated, people!!! If any of you had seen "American Splendor" than you wouldn't have liked "Sideways". He's the same annoying, unattractive, annoying loser in both. And did I mention he's really annoying? Cause he is. Seriously, I couldn't stand to listen to him for more than 2 seconds. You know why? Cause I was forced to watch that same annoying asshole for 2 hours during "American Splendor"! This killed "Sideways" (that, and the fact that Sandra Oh was supposedly some hot girl that a guy voluntarily would have sex with). Who would actually be friends with this guy in real life? What woman would actually give this guy a shot? Definitely not Virgina Madsen. Virginia Madsen is hot. Way too hot for this guy. So let me get this straight: He looks like Paul Giamatti, he acts weird, uncomfortable, and annoying around her (I said annoying again, didn't I?), awkwardly kisses her, lies to her, etc., and she's like..."Give me some of that!" No, I don't think so. Even if Paul Giamatt were playing a superhero and not this loser, Virginia Madsen would still probably only want to be friends while she has a steamy affair with Bruce Willis. It's an insult to all single men! You think I can go down to the beach here, spit out a couple of corny ass metaphors about how grapes are just like me, and Virginia Madsen would be all intrigued at my complexity? I've tried it, no dice.
So Paul Giamatti, you did it, you can be a loser. A really annoying, unattractive loser. You've nailed it, hit it out of the park, really. Now it's time to move on. Please.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Melinda and Melinda movie review
Lately, I've been getting into Woody Allen's stuff. Perhaps it's because he has had my ideal career: writing on a classic variety television show, writing movies for others, marrying a movie star actress, writing movies for himself, and then marrying a young, subserviant asian girl (just kidding about that last one...really, I'm kidding). His standup from his earlier years is awesome, and of course there's Annie Hall and Manhattan. Lately, many of his movies have not been good, but I thought Deconstructing Harry was great.
I caught Anything Else on cable the other night with Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci. I started watching it and I was stoked because it was actually funny and interesting - it somehow managed to overcome such shortcomings as Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci's forehead. I watched the first 20 minutes or so, but it was late and I went to bed and TiVO'd the rest. Unfortunately, the next day I watched the rest. Absolutely horrible (Jason Biggs and the forehead were too much to overcome, I guess). Yet there were flashes, and I related to a lot of it (like when Woody tells Biggs, the young comedy writer that "funny is money". I can relate to that, because I wrote a fucking movie and couldn't get an agent, then wrote 2 pages of hack jokes and had 2 agents fighting over me. The lesson? Usher is shit, funny is money)
But what got me into the theater to check out Allen's latest, "Melinda and Melinda", is the idea. It's an idea that I wish I had thought of, and that always pisses me off. Here's the idea: one movie, the same characters and situation, but two different versions - the comedy and the tragedy. So I went to see if he could pull off the idea that I should have had.
In a word: nope.
The story alternates between the comedy version and the tragedy version, and they both kinda suck. The tragedy sucks more, mostly because Will Ferrell isn't involved in it. And also because there's a reason the world tolerates Woody Allen and allows him to keep making movies, and it isn't because he writes fantastic human tragedies. It's because the guy knows comedy. The tragedy side was stilted and very, very boring. How boring? Two different times I pulled out my Sidekick II and tried to holla at Snoop. I didn't care about the people or the goings on. There's a real problem with becoming too successful in this business: people stop telling you no. And people telling you no is really important in writing (Hi, George Lucas, I'm talking to your no talent ass). I like when I get told my stuff sucks because then I know what isn't working. If no one told me, I'd write stuff like Melinda and Melinda. The script needed a rewrite or two. It needed some dialogue to get cut. It needed more interesting things to happen. And I don't think Soon Yi is telling Woody any of these things.
As for the comedy, Will Ferrell is a fucking genius and saves the whole thing. He feels like he's not even part of the same movie as the rest of the people. I've always loved the guy, but in this movie he proves he's the real deal, because he stands out so much above the other people and the material. Babe Ruth was Babe Ruth because he was hitting 50 home runs when whole teams weren't hitting 50 home runs. That's who Will Ferrell is in this movie. But other than that, it isn't done that well. Because he's doing two different things in the movie, he doesn't give the romantic comedy portion the full treatment. And that's too bad, because if this movie had just been that, with more Will, it would've been good stuff. So unfortunately, you have to sit through the shit tragedy to catch a comedy that's just okay. My advice, wait for the DVD and fast forward to any portion containing Mr. More Cowbell.
So my rating is...One and a half young Asian girls out of four
I caught Anything Else on cable the other night with Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci. I started watching it and I was stoked because it was actually funny and interesting - it somehow managed to overcome such shortcomings as Jason Biggs and Christina Ricci's forehead. I watched the first 20 minutes or so, but it was late and I went to bed and TiVO'd the rest. Unfortunately, the next day I watched the rest. Absolutely horrible (Jason Biggs and the forehead were too much to overcome, I guess). Yet there were flashes, and I related to a lot of it (like when Woody tells Biggs, the young comedy writer that "funny is money". I can relate to that, because I wrote a fucking movie and couldn't get an agent, then wrote 2 pages of hack jokes and had 2 agents fighting over me. The lesson? Usher is shit, funny is money)
But what got me into the theater to check out Allen's latest, "Melinda and Melinda", is the idea. It's an idea that I wish I had thought of, and that always pisses me off. Here's the idea: one movie, the same characters and situation, but two different versions - the comedy and the tragedy. So I went to see if he could pull off the idea that I should have had.
In a word: nope.
The story alternates between the comedy version and the tragedy version, and they both kinda suck. The tragedy sucks more, mostly because Will Ferrell isn't involved in it. And also because there's a reason the world tolerates Woody Allen and allows him to keep making movies, and it isn't because he writes fantastic human tragedies. It's because the guy knows comedy. The tragedy side was stilted and very, very boring. How boring? Two different times I pulled out my Sidekick II and tried to holla at Snoop. I didn't care about the people or the goings on. There's a real problem with becoming too successful in this business: people stop telling you no. And people telling you no is really important in writing (Hi, George Lucas, I'm talking to your no talent ass). I like when I get told my stuff sucks because then I know what isn't working. If no one told me, I'd write stuff like Melinda and Melinda. The script needed a rewrite or two. It needed some dialogue to get cut. It needed more interesting things to happen. And I don't think Soon Yi is telling Woody any of these things.
As for the comedy, Will Ferrell is a fucking genius and saves the whole thing. He feels like he's not even part of the same movie as the rest of the people. I've always loved the guy, but in this movie he proves he's the real deal, because he stands out so much above the other people and the material. Babe Ruth was Babe Ruth because he was hitting 50 home runs when whole teams weren't hitting 50 home runs. That's who Will Ferrell is in this movie. But other than that, it isn't done that well. Because he's doing two different things in the movie, he doesn't give the romantic comedy portion the full treatment. And that's too bad, because if this movie had just been that, with more Will, it would've been good stuff. So unfortunately, you have to sit through the shit tragedy to catch a comedy that's just okay. My advice, wait for the DVD and fast forward to any portion containing Mr. More Cowbell.
So my rating is...One and a half young Asian girls out of four
Sunday, April 10, 2005
A couple jokes for today...
My Pope well is starting to run dry. So next up: Jews.
Comedian Joan Rivers, a guest at Prince Charles and Camilla's wedding reception, said she thought about giving the blushing bride a lingerie shower. Upon hearing the news, lingerie killed itself.
A former pro football player accused of shooting at the compound of Siegfried & Roy wanted to "warn the world" of the threat posed by the illusionists. The confused man also said he thought it was morally wrong for Roy to give head to a tiger.
Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx made Time Magazine's list of the world's 100 most influential people. Foxx said the key to his success has been acting like he's blind and crying a lot.
Vincent Pastore has been slapped with assault charges following a violent argument with his fiance. His Sopranos nickname will now be changed from Big Pussy to Giant Wife Beating Asshole.
The College of Cardinals will begin a secret conclave April 18th to choose a successor to Pope John Paul II. And I thought secret meetings to make decisions about the world was just a Jewish thing.
The New Iraqi National Assembly will make Saddam Hussein watch the vote for the country's new president on TV from his jail cell. All is not lost for Saddam however, as he has "Desperate Housewives" season passed on his TiVO.
It is expected that Pfizer will be laying off 10,000 employees in the near future. Many are upset, as they've put many years of blood, sweat, and boners into the company.
The first openly gay Episcopal bishop apologized and said he never meant to suggest Jesus was gay, he was just innocently pointing out that Jesus turned water into white wine spritzer.
Under new rules that will be phased in by January 2008 as part of an effort to increase security at the nation's borders, travelers headed into the United States from Canada and Mexico will have to show a passport. Previously, travelers crossing the border were only required to show their ability to work for 10 cents an hour.
Comedian Joan Rivers, a guest at Prince Charles and Camilla's wedding reception, said she thought about giving the blushing bride a lingerie shower. Upon hearing the news, lingerie killed itself.
A former pro football player accused of shooting at the compound of Siegfried & Roy wanted to "warn the world" of the threat posed by the illusionists. The confused man also said he thought it was morally wrong for Roy to give head to a tiger.
Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx made Time Magazine's list of the world's 100 most influential people. Foxx said the key to his success has been acting like he's blind and crying a lot.
Vincent Pastore has been slapped with assault charges following a violent argument with his fiance. His Sopranos nickname will now be changed from Big Pussy to Giant Wife Beating Asshole.
The College of Cardinals will begin a secret conclave April 18th to choose a successor to Pope John Paul II. And I thought secret meetings to make decisions about the world was just a Jewish thing.
The New Iraqi National Assembly will make Saddam Hussein watch the vote for the country's new president on TV from his jail cell. All is not lost for Saddam however, as he has "Desperate Housewives" season passed on his TiVO.
It is expected that Pfizer will be laying off 10,000 employees in the near future. Many are upset, as they've put many years of blood, sweat, and boners into the company.
The first openly gay Episcopal bishop apologized and said he never meant to suggest Jesus was gay, he was just innocently pointing out that Jesus turned water into white wine spritzer.
Under new rules that will be phased in by January 2008 as part of an effort to increase security at the nation's borders, travelers headed into the United States from Canada and Mexico will have to show a passport. Previously, travelers crossing the border were only required to show their ability to work for 10 cents an hour.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Handleman's Guide to Unemployment
First, and this is the most important thing - stop working. Now, here's how your weekday should go:
10:00am - Alarm goes off, hit snooze
10:10 - Alarm goes off again, hit snooze
10:20 - Alarm goes off again, turn it off
10:25 - Kim's voice fills head and feel guilty, reluctantly get out of bed and take a shower
10: 45 - Watch last 15 minutes of Dawson's Creek on TBS while checking email and fantasy teams
11 - 12 - Watch second episode of Dawson's Creek on TBS while eating chocolate chip muffin
11: 26 - Get outraged over the fact that Joshua Jackson doesn't have his own show, and lament the possibility he will become the Jason Bateman/Patrick Dempsey of our generation
11:27 - Repress homosexual leanings towards Joshua Jackson by gawking at Katie Holmes
12 - 1 - Watch "Ed" on TBS and try to think it sucks, but succumb to Julie Bowen's charms
12:36 - Briefly ponder how David Spade scored with Julie Bowen, while I get no ladies (conveniently ignore the fact that while pondering about how i get no ladies, I'm sitting in my darkened room in my sweatpants and sweatshirt at 12:36 on a tuesday afternoon, dreaming up show ideas for Joshua Jackson)
1 - 1:30 - Spin City, (Oprah voice: LOVE IT!)
1:30 - 2:00 - this is a lost half hour, but in an emergency, think about writing, but play freecell and watch ESPN
2:00 - 3:00 - Beverly Hills 90210 on Soapnet
2:50 - Spend five minutes wondering where David Silver's music career went wrong, and how radio completely ignored the "You're So Precious to Me" single)
3 - 4:00 - Sportscenter/Abrams report on MSNBC
4 - 5:00 - watch Hardball with Chris Mathews on MSNBC, hope that Pope coverage has died down and Mathews can go back to covering important topics, like a tragic death of another attractive white girl
5 - 5:15 - Try to watch O'Reilly Factor, then boil with rage
5:15 - 6 - Punch punching bag while boiling with rage thinking about how O'Reilly is a millionaire and fellow Americans are dumb
6 - 6:30 Seinfeld on TBS (Man, what would we do without TBS?!?)
6:30 - 7 - Try to watch National news on NBC, quickly get bored, then turn to the second Seinfeld on TBS
7 - 7:10 - turn to KTLA for "Friends" discover they've just replaced it with Everyone Loves Raymond, curse God
7:10 - 7:30 - finish cursing God/make large salad, let it sit for ten minutes while making plain spaghetti, and then eat
7:30 - 8 - Seinfeld on channel 13 (the same channel that shows Spin City at 1, nice)
8 - 11:00 - depending on the night - The OC, the Bachelor, Lost, Deperate Housewives - if none of these shows are on, check TIVO for stuff I've missed. or throw in a movie from netflix so it can be quickly turned in the next day, and then begin excitement over seeing what movie netflix will send you next!!!
11:00 - 11:30 - A difficult half hour (why does TV get so great the later it gets!), Friends on KTLA, Howard Stern on E! (Fuck e!, but they hate howard, so it's okay to watch), Three's Company on TV Land
11:30 - 12:00 - Flip between second Three's Company, second Howard Stern, and Nightline
12:00 - 12:30 - Cheers on TV Land, SNL on E! (Fuck e!, but it's SNL)
12:30 - 1 - Second Cheers, rest of SNL
1:00 - sleep/look forward to the next day of the same
10:00am - Alarm goes off, hit snooze
10:10 - Alarm goes off again, hit snooze
10:20 - Alarm goes off again, turn it off
10:25 - Kim's voice fills head and feel guilty, reluctantly get out of bed and take a shower
10: 45 - Watch last 15 minutes of Dawson's Creek on TBS while checking email and fantasy teams
11 - 12 - Watch second episode of Dawson's Creek on TBS while eating chocolate chip muffin
11: 26 - Get outraged over the fact that Joshua Jackson doesn't have his own show, and lament the possibility he will become the Jason Bateman/Patrick Dempsey of our generation
11:27 - Repress homosexual leanings towards Joshua Jackson by gawking at Katie Holmes
12 - 1 - Watch "Ed" on TBS and try to think it sucks, but succumb to Julie Bowen's charms
12:36 - Briefly ponder how David Spade scored with Julie Bowen, while I get no ladies (conveniently ignore the fact that while pondering about how i get no ladies, I'm sitting in my darkened room in my sweatpants and sweatshirt at 12:36 on a tuesday afternoon, dreaming up show ideas for Joshua Jackson)
1 - 1:30 - Spin City, (Oprah voice: LOVE IT!)
1:30 - 2:00 - this is a lost half hour, but in an emergency, think about writing, but play freecell and watch ESPN
2:00 - 3:00 - Beverly Hills 90210 on Soapnet
2:50 - Spend five minutes wondering where David Silver's music career went wrong, and how radio completely ignored the "You're So Precious to Me" single)
3 - 4:00 - Sportscenter/Abrams report on MSNBC
4 - 5:00 - watch Hardball with Chris Mathews on MSNBC, hope that Pope coverage has died down and Mathews can go back to covering important topics, like a tragic death of another attractive white girl
5 - 5:15 - Try to watch O'Reilly Factor, then boil with rage
5:15 - 6 - Punch punching bag while boiling with rage thinking about how O'Reilly is a millionaire and fellow Americans are dumb
6 - 6:30 Seinfeld on TBS (Man, what would we do without TBS?!?)
6:30 - 7 - Try to watch National news on NBC, quickly get bored, then turn to the second Seinfeld on TBS
7 - 7:10 - turn to KTLA for "Friends" discover they've just replaced it with Everyone Loves Raymond, curse God
7:10 - 7:30 - finish cursing God/make large salad, let it sit for ten minutes while making plain spaghetti, and then eat
7:30 - 8 - Seinfeld on channel 13 (the same channel that shows Spin City at 1, nice)
8 - 11:00 - depending on the night - The OC, the Bachelor, Lost, Deperate Housewives - if none of these shows are on, check TIVO for stuff I've missed. or throw in a movie from netflix so it can be quickly turned in the next day, and then begin excitement over seeing what movie netflix will send you next!!!
11:00 - 11:30 - A difficult half hour (why does TV get so great the later it gets!), Friends on KTLA, Howard Stern on E! (Fuck e!, but they hate howard, so it's okay to watch), Three's Company on TV Land
11:30 - 12:00 - Flip between second Three's Company, second Howard Stern, and Nightline
12:00 - 12:30 - Cheers on TV Land, SNL on E! (Fuck e!, but it's SNL)
12:30 - 1 - Second Cheers, rest of SNL
1:00 - sleep/look forward to the next day of the same
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Rejected story lines for "Blind Justice"
Jamie Foxx guest stars as Ray Charles and teaches Detective Jim Dunbar to play the piano, decipher if a woman is hot by holding her wrist, and shoot pure grade heroin
Detective Jim Dunbar and some neighborhood kids get in a play fight with some super soakers until he accidentally picks up his real gun and shoots them dead
My dad guest stars as my dad and runs onto the shout screaming "this is totally fake! you're blind! this couldn't happen!" until cast and crew realize their mistake and the show is cancelled
Detective Jim Dunbar gets over the fact that he's blind, but struggles to come to grips with the fact that his wife turned down $30 million dollars to do 2 more years of ER
Rena Sofer's character is arrested and charged with starring in: "Saved by the Bell: Hawaii", "Melrose Place", and "Coupling"
Detective Jim Dunbar's undercover assignment is blown when during a big drug deal he demands to be paid in 1 dollar bills
Detective Jim Dunbar is forced to use his pepper spray on a crowd of mannequins that refuse his demand to disperse
Detective Jim Dunbar uses his walking stick to get into a sword fight battle with a suspected mailbox
In a crossover spectacular, the cast of Desperate Housewives guest star and Detective Jim Dunbar accidentally has an affair with the gardener
Detective Jim Dunbar and some neighborhood kids get in a play fight with some super soakers until he accidentally picks up his real gun and shoots them dead
My dad guest stars as my dad and runs onto the shout screaming "this is totally fake! you're blind! this couldn't happen!" until cast and crew realize their mistake and the show is cancelled
Detective Jim Dunbar gets over the fact that he's blind, but struggles to come to grips with the fact that his wife turned down $30 million dollars to do 2 more years of ER
Rena Sofer's character is arrested and charged with starring in: "Saved by the Bell: Hawaii", "Melrose Place", and "Coupling"
Detective Jim Dunbar's undercover assignment is blown when during a big drug deal he demands to be paid in 1 dollar bills
Detective Jim Dunbar is forced to use his pepper spray on a crowd of mannequins that refuse his demand to disperse
Detective Jim Dunbar uses his walking stick to get into a sword fight battle with a suspected mailbox
In a crossover spectacular, the cast of Desperate Housewives guest star and Detective Jim Dunbar accidentally has an affair with the gardener
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Sitcom musings that probably no one cares about except maybe lisa
I have recently come up with a brilliant idea for a sitcom - which kind of sucks because it's pilot season, but is kind of good because i need time to write the damn thing and there's plently of it till next year. My friend has recently written a pilot, and we were debating about the merits of a 3 camera sitcom versus a one camera sitcom, and I thought I'd write about it here, in case anyone cares.
First, the difference: a three camera sitcom is shot almost like a play, with the actors doing their thing on one set while 3 cameras (and sometimes 4) capture all of the action. they try to get each scene done in one take, while the director (or editor afterwards) cuts from camera to camera during the show. This is the traditional form of sitcoms, and examples are Cheers, Friends, Seinfeld, Will and Grace, Everybody Loves Raymond, and The Cosby Show. Usually there are one or two big sets where all of the action takes place - like Jerry's apartment, Rachel and Monica's apartment, the Cheers bar, etc, and these shows tend to have a laugh track.
A one camera sitcom is shot like a movie or one hour drama. There are takes and retakes, closeups, establishing shots, etc. Examples of these are Arrested Development, The Office, Jake in Progress, The Wonder Years, and Scrubs, and every one hour drama on TV is shot in this style. These shows tend to not have a laugh track, although there are exceptions (Sports Night being one of them). Just so we're clear, here's an example of how they're shot. Let's say two actors are talking to each other. In a three camera sitcom, they would talk to each other and the cameras would capture all of the action in one take and that would be it. In one camera, the one actor would do his lines while the camera was on him, and then they would cut, reposition the lights, the camera, and everything, and then film the other actor talking back. then they'd go back and edit it together so the actors looked like they were actually talking to each other in real time. got it? cool.
now my own personal theory is that 3 camera sitcoms are better. i don't think we'll ever see a one camera sitcom have the kind of resonance that seinfeld, cheers, and friends have. and i especially mean in terms of syndication - i think the long run of these shows in reruns is an indication of the likeability and attractiveness of this type of show. i can't really explain it (obviously), but with 3 cam i have a tendency to want to watch every week and with one cam i don't. like arrested development, i love it, i think it's a great show, but i don't have to watch it every week and i'm pretty sure i won't watch it when it's replayed in syndication. it's something about the pureness of the comedy. maybe one camera hasn't been done that well (wonder years is the exception), i think, for the most part, it's cheap jokes (and by cheap i mean they can do anything with 1 cam - for example on Scrubs if JD says: "you're treating me like a clown who's just been molested by the bearded lady", they can cut to JD dressed as a clown, getting molested - you can't do this in three camera - it's funny, but it's kind of cheap, because you can do that type of shit all day long), so it's not believable and not real on any level. look at scrubs, the office, and arrested development, they flash around and do unbelievable things, so on the surface it's funny, but it makes the characters people you can't invest in and at no point do you feel like you're rooting for anyone. cheesy as it may be, i was rooting for sam and diane, ross and rachel, tony and angela, ricky stratton and anyone. to me, ad was at it's best when jason bateman's character had a crush on job's girlfriend, but then they made it completely ridiculous, it blew up, and they've gotten bigger and crazier ever since - and thus less a "must watch". i don't know if any of this makes sense, but i just think that when 3 cam is done well, it's the best and funniest.
Now, here is the dilemma: my brilliant sitcom idea? single camera...i think. I just don' think there's a way to do it 3 cam. And what I mean by that is, to do three camera you have to have one big set where most of the action takes place. My brilliant idea makes that unfeasable. So that kind of sucks, because I really want to do 3 camera for the reasons stated above. But i think I have to study up on the Wonder Years (why the hell are the reruns NOT on the air, dammit), not be cheap and unbelievable, and keep it as grounded as possible. Maybe I'm wrong about the single camera. Maybe all these brilliant people (bill lawrence, mitchell hurwitz) are just fucking up. Why do they have to go to the extreme level with the comedy? I think it's the pressure to be funny all the time. Always with the funny. I think sitcoms need to be less jokey every other line, more character. Do people remember any of Carla's mean Claven jokes, or do they remember Sam and Diane? well, that is my mission, people, let's hope it doesn't suck.
and speaking of not sucking, more Pope jokes!!!:
Tens of thousands of people waited for hours in a 2 mile-long line to pay tribute to John Paul II. Each person waiting not only got to see the Pope, they also got a free copy of the Pope's posthumous collaboration with 2pac.
(if you don't like this joke, you are banned from this blog. get out! Now!!!)
Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul II in 1981, said from his Turkish prison that he wanted to be let out so he could attend the Pope's funeral. Making it the 987th day in a row that the man has made that request.
A new study has found that the more television 4 year-old children watch, the more likely they are to become bullies. That's right, kids: read a book, become a pussy. (from my "that's right, kids" collection)
Al Gore announced that he is creating an independent cable TV network called Current. It's the first thing Gore's created since he created that story about creating the internet.
CBS announced that its long-running military drama JAG will go off the air in April after 10 years. Fans of the show were shocked to learn it was still on the air.
Swedish jail inmates went on strike after authorities cut down on weight lifting and exercise sessions to stop prisoners from becoming too muscle-bound. The strike was broken when prison officials got NHL hockey players to cross the picket line and imprison themselves.
According to a new study, obese shoppers routinely suffer rude and dismissive treatment at the hands of sales clerks. Obese shoppers also tend to suffer rude and dismissive treatment from their over-worked hearts.
A 40 year-old woman, who is still lactating, has volunteered to breast-feed a pair of endangered Bengal tiger cubs. However the woman was denied when it was discovered that she was just looking to get a cheap masectomy.
Archaeologists in Germany have unearthed matching 7000 year-old clay figures of a man and a woman having sex, which they believe is the world's oldest porn. They discovered the figures by hacking into Paris Hilton's sidekick.
A Texas oilman is using his Bible as a guide to finding oil in Israel. Well, it worked well for him in Iraq.
A high school teacher in Dallas faces an assault charge after police say she walked into a middle-school classroom fro gifted students, grabbed that teacher's hair, yanked her out of her chair and dragged her across the room while punching her in the face and kicking her. Apparently the two were fighting over a student they're both sleeping with.
First, the difference: a three camera sitcom is shot almost like a play, with the actors doing their thing on one set while 3 cameras (and sometimes 4) capture all of the action. they try to get each scene done in one take, while the director (or editor afterwards) cuts from camera to camera during the show. This is the traditional form of sitcoms, and examples are Cheers, Friends, Seinfeld, Will and Grace, Everybody Loves Raymond, and The Cosby Show. Usually there are one or two big sets where all of the action takes place - like Jerry's apartment, Rachel and Monica's apartment, the Cheers bar, etc, and these shows tend to have a laugh track.
A one camera sitcom is shot like a movie or one hour drama. There are takes and retakes, closeups, establishing shots, etc. Examples of these are Arrested Development, The Office, Jake in Progress, The Wonder Years, and Scrubs, and every one hour drama on TV is shot in this style. These shows tend to not have a laugh track, although there are exceptions (Sports Night being one of them). Just so we're clear, here's an example of how they're shot. Let's say two actors are talking to each other. In a three camera sitcom, they would talk to each other and the cameras would capture all of the action in one take and that would be it. In one camera, the one actor would do his lines while the camera was on him, and then they would cut, reposition the lights, the camera, and everything, and then film the other actor talking back. then they'd go back and edit it together so the actors looked like they were actually talking to each other in real time. got it? cool.
now my own personal theory is that 3 camera sitcoms are better. i don't think we'll ever see a one camera sitcom have the kind of resonance that seinfeld, cheers, and friends have. and i especially mean in terms of syndication - i think the long run of these shows in reruns is an indication of the likeability and attractiveness of this type of show. i can't really explain it (obviously), but with 3 cam i have a tendency to want to watch every week and with one cam i don't. like arrested development, i love it, i think it's a great show, but i don't have to watch it every week and i'm pretty sure i won't watch it when it's replayed in syndication. it's something about the pureness of the comedy. maybe one camera hasn't been done that well (wonder years is the exception), i think, for the most part, it's cheap jokes (and by cheap i mean they can do anything with 1 cam - for example on Scrubs if JD says: "you're treating me like a clown who's just been molested by the bearded lady", they can cut to JD dressed as a clown, getting molested - you can't do this in three camera - it's funny, but it's kind of cheap, because you can do that type of shit all day long), so it's not believable and not real on any level. look at scrubs, the office, and arrested development, they flash around and do unbelievable things, so on the surface it's funny, but it makes the characters people you can't invest in and at no point do you feel like you're rooting for anyone. cheesy as it may be, i was rooting for sam and diane, ross and rachel, tony and angela, ricky stratton and anyone. to me, ad was at it's best when jason bateman's character had a crush on job's girlfriend, but then they made it completely ridiculous, it blew up, and they've gotten bigger and crazier ever since - and thus less a "must watch". i don't know if any of this makes sense, but i just think that when 3 cam is done well, it's the best and funniest.
Now, here is the dilemma: my brilliant sitcom idea? single camera...i think. I just don' think there's a way to do it 3 cam. And what I mean by that is, to do three camera you have to have one big set where most of the action takes place. My brilliant idea makes that unfeasable. So that kind of sucks, because I really want to do 3 camera for the reasons stated above. But i think I have to study up on the Wonder Years (why the hell are the reruns NOT on the air, dammit), not be cheap and unbelievable, and keep it as grounded as possible. Maybe I'm wrong about the single camera. Maybe all these brilliant people (bill lawrence, mitchell hurwitz) are just fucking up. Why do they have to go to the extreme level with the comedy? I think it's the pressure to be funny all the time. Always with the funny. I think sitcoms need to be less jokey every other line, more character. Do people remember any of Carla's mean Claven jokes, or do they remember Sam and Diane? well, that is my mission, people, let's hope it doesn't suck.
and speaking of not sucking, more Pope jokes!!!:
Tens of thousands of people waited for hours in a 2 mile-long line to pay tribute to John Paul II. Each person waiting not only got to see the Pope, they also got a free copy of the Pope's posthumous collaboration with 2pac.
(if you don't like this joke, you are banned from this blog. get out! Now!!!)
Mehmet Ali Agca, the man who shot Pope John Paul II in 1981, said from his Turkish prison that he wanted to be let out so he could attend the Pope's funeral. Making it the 987th day in a row that the man has made that request.
A new study has found that the more television 4 year-old children watch, the more likely they are to become bullies. That's right, kids: read a book, become a pussy. (from my "that's right, kids" collection)
Al Gore announced that he is creating an independent cable TV network called Current. It's the first thing Gore's created since he created that story about creating the internet.
CBS announced that its long-running military drama JAG will go off the air in April after 10 years. Fans of the show were shocked to learn it was still on the air.
Swedish jail inmates went on strike after authorities cut down on weight lifting and exercise sessions to stop prisoners from becoming too muscle-bound. The strike was broken when prison officials got NHL hockey players to cross the picket line and imprison themselves.
According to a new study, obese shoppers routinely suffer rude and dismissive treatment at the hands of sales clerks. Obese shoppers also tend to suffer rude and dismissive treatment from their over-worked hearts.
A 40 year-old woman, who is still lactating, has volunteered to breast-feed a pair of endangered Bengal tiger cubs. However the woman was denied when it was discovered that she was just looking to get a cheap masectomy.
Archaeologists in Germany have unearthed matching 7000 year-old clay figures of a man and a woman having sex, which they believe is the world's oldest porn. They discovered the figures by hacking into Paris Hilton's sidekick.
A Texas oilman is using his Bible as a guide to finding oil in Israel. Well, it worked well for him in Iraq.
A high school teacher in Dallas faces an assault charge after police say she walked into a middle-school classroom fro gifted students, grabbed that teacher's hair, yanked her out of her chair and dragged her across the room while punching her in the face and kicking her. Apparently the two were fighting over a student they're both sleeping with.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Jokes for today
The Rev. Jerry Falwell was hospitalized and is now in critical condition. Where's your precious Jesus now, fat man?!?
The national director of programs for the Boy Scouts of America has been charged with possession and distribution of child pornography. Suspicions were aroused when the man gave a young scout a "my first pubes" badge.
Britney Spears and hubby Kevin Federline have agreed to star in a UPN reality series that documents their courtship, engagement and wedding. It's part of UPN's new strategy to do shows with guys who just think they're black.
A former member of Nick Lachey's group 98 degrees is running for mayor of Cincinnati. His campaign slogan is: Remember 98 degrees? No? Well, I was the less gay one.
Officials in Rome have begun preparations for the expected 2 million people, including numerous world leaders, who will come to the country this week. Dick Cheney is already trying to find a way for the next Pope to die in Iran.
According to a poll, 77 percent of American Catholics believe that John Paul II was the best pope the church has ever had. The other 22 percent were anally raped by a priest.
It was announced Monday that Prince Charles' wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles will be moved to Saturday so that it does not conflict with the funeral for Pope John Paul. The two events will be similar, but in one the corpse will marry Prince Charles.
While testifying at the Michael Jackson trial, comedian George Lopez got some laughs when he compared his own upbringing to that of the Hispanic family that now is accusing Jackson of molestation. Very similar, except for the molesting, the terminal cancer, and the funny comedy.
According to a new report, about one-in-five ninth graders report having had oral sex and one-third of them say they intend to try it during the next six months. The rise in oral sex could be explained by a recent anti-violence campaign in schools that instructs students: "Don't blow away your fellow classmates, just blow them."
MIT has been trying to create a laptop computer for children in developing nations that would cost only 100 dollars a piece. African children are excited because now they will get to IM their friends on AOL while they all die of AIDS.
Sources say that Madonna's cameo in husband Guy Ritchie's latest movie was cut out of the final edit. In retaliation, Madonna has cut Guy Richie's cameo from her vagina.
The national director of programs for the Boy Scouts of America has been charged with possession and distribution of child pornography. Suspicions were aroused when the man gave a young scout a "my first pubes" badge.
Britney Spears and hubby Kevin Federline have agreed to star in a UPN reality series that documents their courtship, engagement and wedding. It's part of UPN's new strategy to do shows with guys who just think they're black.
A former member of Nick Lachey's group 98 degrees is running for mayor of Cincinnati. His campaign slogan is: Remember 98 degrees? No? Well, I was the less gay one.
Officials in Rome have begun preparations for the expected 2 million people, including numerous world leaders, who will come to the country this week. Dick Cheney is already trying to find a way for the next Pope to die in Iran.
According to a poll, 77 percent of American Catholics believe that John Paul II was the best pope the church has ever had. The other 22 percent were anally raped by a priest.
It was announced Monday that Prince Charles' wedding to Camilla Parker Bowles will be moved to Saturday so that it does not conflict with the funeral for Pope John Paul. The two events will be similar, but in one the corpse will marry Prince Charles.
While testifying at the Michael Jackson trial, comedian George Lopez got some laughs when he compared his own upbringing to that of the Hispanic family that now is accusing Jackson of molestation. Very similar, except for the molesting, the terminal cancer, and the funny comedy.
According to a new report, about one-in-five ninth graders report having had oral sex and one-third of them say they intend to try it during the next six months. The rise in oral sex could be explained by a recent anti-violence campaign in schools that instructs students: "Don't blow away your fellow classmates, just blow them."
MIT has been trying to create a laptop computer for children in developing nations that would cost only 100 dollars a piece. African children are excited because now they will get to IM their friends on AOL while they all die of AIDS.
Sources say that Madonna's cameo in husband Guy Ritchie's latest movie was cut out of the final edit. In retaliation, Madonna has cut Guy Richie's cameo from her vagina.
Monday, April 04, 2005
EXT. PEARLY GATES - DAY
Jesus stands in front of the pearly gates wearing all black with an ear piece in his ear and a clipboard in his hand. A velvet rope blocks the path inside. Pope John Paul II, freshly dead but looking great, walks up to the rope and Jesus.
But Jesus isn’t listening, someone is talking to him on his ear piece.
Now Jesus is just pretending not to hear him.
Jesus walks away a little bit, not responding to anything the Pope is saying. The Pope is confused.
Jesus finally looks over.
The Pope notices the clipboard.
Jesus checks out the list and finds the name.
The Pope starts to go in, but Jesus stops him.
The Pope is stunned, he doesn’t know what to say.
Jesus looks up.
Jesus stands in front of the pearly gates wearing all black with an ear piece in his ear and a clipboard in his hand. A velvet rope blocks the path inside. Pope John Paul II, freshly dead but looking great, walks up to the rope and Jesus.
POPE
Holy one!
Holy one!
But Jesus isn’t listening, someone is talking to him on his ear piece.
JESUS
Then order some more Vodka, Frank, it's not brain surgery!
(beat)
Amateurs!
POPE
Jesus, I am so blessed to be here with you, I have waited so long.
Then order some more Vodka, Frank, it's not brain surgery!
(beat)
Amateurs!
POPE
Jesus, I am so blessed to be here with you, I have waited so long.
Now Jesus is just pretending not to hear him.
POPE
I have tried all my life to follow your examples of purity and faith.
I have tried all my life to follow your examples of purity and faith.
Jesus walks away a little bit, not responding to anything the Pope is saying. The Pope is confused.
POPE
Jesus? Jesus? Jesus?!?
Jesus? Jesus? Jesus?!?
Jesus finally looks over.
JESUS
Don’t say my name like you know me, dude.
POPE
But I do know you.
JESUS
That’s a little unfair - everyone knows me.
(beat)
You on the list?
Don’t say my name like you know me, dude.
POPE
But I do know you.
JESUS
That’s a little unfair - everyone knows me.
(beat)
You on the list?
The Pope notices the clipboard.
POPE
The list?
JESUS
All right, what’s your name?
POPE
It’s me, Jesus, the Pope.
JESUS
The Pope? No nicknames, try your real name, smart guy.
POPE
Pope John Paul the Second.
JESUS
The second? That’s just a fancy word for junior.
The list?
JESUS
All right, what’s your name?
POPE
It’s me, Jesus, the Pope.
JESUS
The Pope? No nicknames, try your real name, smart guy.
POPE
Pope John Paul the Second.
JESUS
The second? That’s just a fancy word for junior.
Jesus checks out the list and finds the name.
JESUS
Oh, here you are.
POPE
Thank you, Jesus.
Oh, here you are.
POPE
Thank you, Jesus.
The Pope starts to go in, but Jesus stops him.
JESUS
Hold on a second.
POPE
Yes?
JESUS
You bring any girls?
POPE
Girls? No. It is only me.
JESUS
Yeah, it says here you’re not too good with the ladies.
POPE
But Jesus, I took a vow of celibacy for you.
JESUS
So says every virgin in the world who can’t get any. I’m tired of being the scape goat of awkward dudes everywhere.
(beat)
Swearing off girls only makes little boys look good, if you know what I’m saying.
Hold on a second.
POPE
Yes?
JESUS
You bring any girls?
POPE
Girls? No. It is only me.
JESUS
Yeah, it says here you’re not too good with the ladies.
POPE
But Jesus, I took a vow of celibacy for you.
JESUS
So says every virgin in the world who can’t get any. I’m tired of being the scape goat of awkward dudes everywhere.
(beat)
Swearing off girls only makes little boys look good, if you know what I’m saying.
The Pope is stunned, he doesn’t know what to say.
POPE
I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re saying. I was serving you.
JESUS
Serving me? Then what happened to tolerance? Why’re you so mad at the gays?
POPE
It is a sin, you said so yourself.
JESUS
I also said a donkey is worth more than your wife, but I guess you took that one too literally too.
(beat)
And you made nice with the Jews.
POPE
In the spirit of tolerance.
JESUS
Oh, now you’re into the tolerance thing. You know they killed me, right?
POPE
Well yes--
JESUS
I’m just fucking with you, Mel Gibson’s got everyone uptight, huh?
POPE
Mel Gibson?
JESUS
You ever seen Mad Max?
POPE
No.
JESUS
Great flick.
(beat)
You shoulda got out more, junior.
POPE
Yes, Jesus.
Jesus looks around, thinking about it.
JESUS
Tell you what, maybe I’ll let you in ten, fifteen minutes - we’ll see how it goes.
POPE
But Jesus, I’ve served my whole life for this moment.
I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’re saying. I was serving you.
JESUS
Serving me? Then what happened to tolerance? Why’re you so mad at the gays?
POPE
It is a sin, you said so yourself.
JESUS
I also said a donkey is worth more than your wife, but I guess you took that one too literally too.
(beat)
And you made nice with the Jews.
POPE
In the spirit of tolerance.
JESUS
Oh, now you’re into the tolerance thing. You know they killed me, right?
POPE
Well yes--
JESUS
I’m just fucking with you, Mel Gibson’s got everyone uptight, huh?
POPE
Mel Gibson?
JESUS
You ever seen Mad Max?
POPE
No.
JESUS
Great flick.
(beat)
You shoulda got out more, junior.
POPE
Yes, Jesus.
Jesus looks around, thinking about it.
JESUS
Tell you what, maybe I’ll let you in ten, fifteen minutes - we’ll see how it goes.
POPE
But Jesus, I’ve served my whole life for this moment.
JESUS
You shut up! Do you know who you’re talking too, I’m Jesus for Christ Sake! You’re dead to me now, dead to me!
POPE
But Jesus, how can you--
You shut up! Do you know who you’re talking too, I’m Jesus for Christ Sake! You’re dead to me now, dead to me!
POPE
But Jesus, how can you--
Jesus looks up.
JESUS
Oh no, not you. I was talking to Frank inside.
Oh no, not you. I was talking to Frank inside.
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