You know in "Office Space" when Peter tells the two Bob's that he has 8 bosses and when he makes a mistake he has 8 people yelling at him (and if you haven't seen Office Space, you really need to get out more. At least out, you know, to the video store). Well, I have 6 bosses, and when I do anything - good or bad - 2 of them tell me how great a job I did and 4 of them tell me I am a piece of shit. It's fantastic. The head writer came into a room where all of us writers were hanging out and he goes "Hey guys, apparently you're doing a great a job and a terrible job. Keep it up." Uh, thanks?
Remember when I said I was happy about this job because I could just write and didn't have to worry about the production aspects. Wrong. I wrote a "field piece" that everyone seems to like and it was deemed worthy enough to shoot. Yea. But unfortunately for me they don't just take your script and go shoot it. No, no, no. They take your script and call you an asshole for even thinking it is possible to shoot it. Keep in mind that there is an entire production team here who's whole job it is to do this very thing. I mean, the good side of it is that you get to protect your "vision" and they don't just take it and run their own way with it. Which is good, I guess. But this isn't rocket science, people. I don't care that much what you do with it because there aren't too many crazy ways to go. This isn't the Quran. It's a dude asking people questions on the street. And if you do fuck it up, I'll have a chance to edit it the way I want after. But no, that's not the way it goes.
So I had a rough script that people had seen and liked, and was told to write a more detailed script with everything that would happen. First of all, that's a little tough to do when you're dealing with real people and real reactions, how do you write that out? And second of all, I had about 15 minutes to do it before going into a production meeting. Fine. I do it. "Whatever, it's a rough draft" I think. Little did I know that for the next hour and a half, that script would be dissected and ripped to shreds like it was the final say and my computer was broken and unable to make any changes. It's a rough draft! I did it in 15 minutes! I've never been in a meeting like that before, it was pure torture. Here are some of the questions that were posed to me by our expert director, producer, executive producer, the other executive producer, field producer, and others (remember, it's their whole job to take the script and produce it):
-This hot girl you have in here, what color is her hair? Is she a blonde? Is she 30? 35? My response "It doesn't matter." YELLING, YELLING, YELLING. "Okay fine, she's blonde and she's 30"
-The logo you mention, is it the actual logo? My response "Actual logo"
-He's in a car, what car? His car? Our van? My response "Either." MORE YELLING "Okay, Our van"
-You say here the guy talks in ghetto slang, what does that mean? Could you talk how that is, I'd like to hear it. My response "Go rent Airplane, I don't speak jive".
As crazy as that is I actually understand. I just had to produce a thing and I know all of the complications and difficulties that arise. I, however, when producing had the benefit of a super power called common sense. It's just the venom in which these things were yelled at me, like I was trying to shoot Citizen Kane or something. It's the easiest thing in the world to shoot. There's one fricking location. One. The director's estimate on how long it's going to take to shoot: 12 hours.
It's a 3 minute bit.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Rumor has it...
Why Tom, why? No one WANTS you to be gay. We were all fine to simply know nothing about your personal life, see your movies, and be done with you. No one is sitting at home praying to God that you're gay. Well, maybe the gardener from Desperate Housewives does, but that's just cause he's a total fag. But not the rest of us. Who fucking cares? You really don't have to "date" every actress in Hollywood. You're cool with me, bro. But no, you have to run around everyone's TV show laughing like a maniac and talking about the next notch on your belt. Unfortunately for you, that's the GAYEST thing you can do. Straight guys don't do that shit. We don't love actresses, we fuck them! If you're gonna act straight, know the role! I know it's hard, but try and get into character. You are an actor, right? Well, maybe not since that movie with the frogs.
But unfortunatley by doing this, you have to involve people like my mom. Don't you understand that she's warm and fuzzy about the fact that you're straight. Christ! She thought Ellen was straight up until 2 months ago! And if she asks you, please tell her that Rosie O'Donnell likes dick. What I'm saying is, my mom is perfectly happy with the "don't ask, don't tell policy". She loves it! But you had to push it. You had to flaunt your "straightness". And it's only making people like my mom go, "Jesus, maybe he is gay." Don't do that to her, Tom. She loves you. I love you. And we'd still love you even if you're gay, but we're not going to love you if you keep jumping around on couches, laughing hysterically for no reason, and scaring Oprah. We hate that. America hates that. Even more than they hate the gays.
Anyway, I heard from a very reliable source this rumor:
Kate Bosworth turned down the role of Tom Cruise's "real life" girlfriend. Joey Potter, you are a second banana. Hmmm, bananas, I bet Tom likes those.
But unfortunatley by doing this, you have to involve people like my mom. Don't you understand that she's warm and fuzzy about the fact that you're straight. Christ! She thought Ellen was straight up until 2 months ago! And if she asks you, please tell her that Rosie O'Donnell likes dick. What I'm saying is, my mom is perfectly happy with the "don't ask, don't tell policy". She loves it! But you had to push it. You had to flaunt your "straightness". And it's only making people like my mom go, "Jesus, maybe he is gay." Don't do that to her, Tom. She loves you. I love you. And we'd still love you even if you're gay, but we're not going to love you if you keep jumping around on couches, laughing hysterically for no reason, and scaring Oprah. We hate that. America hates that. Even more than they hate the gays.
Anyway, I heard from a very reliable source this rumor:
Kate Bosworth turned down the role of Tom Cruise's "real life" girlfriend. Joey Potter, you are a second banana. Hmmm, bananas, I bet Tom likes those.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Primer
One of the worst things that can ever happen happened this weekend - my TiVo broke. Again. For the third time. As much as I love my TiVo, those things aren't made too well. And if you think you're in the clear cause your TiVo has never had problems, just wait. It will happen to you, and I'll be here to say "Welcome to hell". Once that baby goes down you realize you're like a crack addict. I've never done drugs in my life, but I've done TiVo, and I'm pretty sure it's somewhere worse than marijuana and somewhere better than heroin. I've got the shakes right now just writing about it, who's going to record 90210 today? what if i can't make it home in time for the contender finale? what about, oh lord, lost tomorrow night? This can't be happening! Tell me that's not worse than a little crack.
So last night, not having my TiVo to turn to now that The Bachelor is over, I had to flip the switch and go to Defcon 4. Defcon 4 is also known as Netflix. I love me some netflix, but my turnover rate isn't very good when TiVo is always sitting there, calling out to me, "hey, you, don't you want to watch the 3 episodes of Dinner for 5 you have recorded. They might get erased." But without that siren call, it was easy to pop a DVD in. And last night that DVD was a movie called "Primer".
I had heard a lot about the movie and was dying to see it for a long time now - that's how strong the TiVo drug is, I was dying to see this movie but it had been sitting on the floor of my room for the last month while I season passed spin city. Anyway, I thought the idea for the movie was amazing and I heard it was really good.
Holy fuck, it's really good. I've never loved a movie that i didn't understand so much. I don't care how smart you are, this movie will utterly confuse your ass. And that, I believe, is a good thing. Acutally, it's a great thing. You know why? Because nothing you watch ever dares to do that anymore. Everything's got to be spelled out. This movie basically says "Hi audience, fuck you." It's genius. I can't believe this movie wasn't mentioned during oscar time. It sickens me. Sideways? Ray? No, I don't think so. This movie is about, a thousand times more brilliant than those movies could ever think about being. And now when I look back, I'm getting more and more angry about the whole "awards season" and how stupid it is. It's all PR and critics bullshit that has nothing to do with anything. Have you ever met a critic? they are the saddest people you will ever meet in your life. That's why they liked Sideways so much - because that sad sack asshole Paul Giamatti is them! They watched that movie and we're like, "That's me! i should be dating Virginia Madsen! someone should discover my writing talent but no one ever does! Finally, a movie about the hero that i am!" You're not a hero, you're a talentless wannabe, middle aged overweight balding white guy who never made it in the entertainment business so get over it.
i don't want to give away story points of the movie because i don't want to ruin it. pretty much just want to say how great it is and why it's great. but i'll just say that it's about 2 guys who invent something in their garage that has huge implications. it's a story that could've easily been a huge budget, spielberg movie. in fact, it kinda was. but that's why the movie is so cool. it takes one of those "high concept" ideas (that's hollywood fancy talk for an ideas like "aliens declare war on earth!" "a meteor threatens earth!" "earth!"), and makes it small and sorta real.
Now let me throw this out at you: Total budget for the film - $7,000. You read that right, $7,000. I really hate when anyone talks about budgets for movies because it shouldn't matter. A good movie is a good movie, and you shouldn't hate on a movie cause it cost them $100 million dollars to make it. What do you care? It's not your money. If it's good, it's good. But in this case, that number is a little ridiculous. It seems impossible. It just goes to show that if you have a great idea and focus on storytelling, you can make something really great, no matter the budget. I'm talking to you, Lucas. I could give a fuck about how real your digital stuffed animal aliens look like, write some dialogue that isn't total hack crap. that's something that the boys at ILM can't fix. $7,000!!! I'm sorry, I don't want to go overboard but this has to be one of the most stunning feats in the film world. It's just impossible to make a movie for that low of a budget. And to make it good is even more of a stretch. It made me think though, if I had written that script I couldn't have just made it. I would've been like, this is the most genius thing and I'm selling it for a million dollars. But that's me, i'm a greedy asshole.
Okay, this movie is far from perfect. It not only is confusing, it seems like it's trying to be extra confusing for no good reason. In the first 20 minutes I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, and the confusing parts hadn't even started yet. But it made me think. And it didn't hold my hand and say "here's what we're doing here". it just went, and I was forced to do something I never have to do while watching Brandon solve problems at the Beverly Hills Beach Club - I was forced to pay attention. Really pay attention, and actively think about what the fuck was going on and try to figure it out. And it didn't even really bother me that I couldn't figure it out, i just knew something cool was happening and it was done in a way that i knew they knew what they were doing. and i love that. that's one of the reasons i stopped watching "24" during the first season. They don't know what they're doing, they're making it up as they go along. oh, you like Nina? well now she's a bad guy! yeah, we showed you! no, you didn't know she was a bad guy till the moment she turned into one. that's not a real story. that's bullshit. That's not storytelling. That's hack. That's why Lost is so good. The've thought of this shit ahead of time. they have a plan, and that's all you can ask for. This guy had thought of this beforehand, he has the answers, and knowing that is good enough, even if you can't figure out what the hell is going on.
The biggest problem i have with the move though, and this could have something to do with the budget, is that they didn't do enough with the brilliant ideas. there were so many great ideas in the movie, but they weren't capitalized on enough. when they started to reveal the implications of the invention, what's possible, what COULD be going on here, i was like holy shit! but they really didn't follow through enough. And the movie could've been really, really scary. but it stopped at being a little spooky. I think with more money, maybe a more experienced producer or something, they could've gone all the way with all this stuff. then again, they could've fucked it up entirely. so i'll just be satisfied with the way it is, brilliant.
sorry this is so vague, but i really don't want to ruin the movie for anyone. so, just see primer.
So last night, not having my TiVo to turn to now that The Bachelor is over, I had to flip the switch and go to Defcon 4. Defcon 4 is also known as Netflix. I love me some netflix, but my turnover rate isn't very good when TiVo is always sitting there, calling out to me, "hey, you, don't you want to watch the 3 episodes of Dinner for 5 you have recorded. They might get erased." But without that siren call, it was easy to pop a DVD in. And last night that DVD was a movie called "Primer".
I had heard a lot about the movie and was dying to see it for a long time now - that's how strong the TiVo drug is, I was dying to see this movie but it had been sitting on the floor of my room for the last month while I season passed spin city. Anyway, I thought the idea for the movie was amazing and I heard it was really good.
Holy fuck, it's really good. I've never loved a movie that i didn't understand so much. I don't care how smart you are, this movie will utterly confuse your ass. And that, I believe, is a good thing. Acutally, it's a great thing. You know why? Because nothing you watch ever dares to do that anymore. Everything's got to be spelled out. This movie basically says "Hi audience, fuck you." It's genius. I can't believe this movie wasn't mentioned during oscar time. It sickens me. Sideways? Ray? No, I don't think so. This movie is about, a thousand times more brilliant than those movies could ever think about being. And now when I look back, I'm getting more and more angry about the whole "awards season" and how stupid it is. It's all PR and critics bullshit that has nothing to do with anything. Have you ever met a critic? they are the saddest people you will ever meet in your life. That's why they liked Sideways so much - because that sad sack asshole Paul Giamatti is them! They watched that movie and we're like, "That's me! i should be dating Virginia Madsen! someone should discover my writing talent but no one ever does! Finally, a movie about the hero that i am!" You're not a hero, you're a talentless wannabe, middle aged overweight balding white guy who never made it in the entertainment business so get over it.
i don't want to give away story points of the movie because i don't want to ruin it. pretty much just want to say how great it is and why it's great. but i'll just say that it's about 2 guys who invent something in their garage that has huge implications. it's a story that could've easily been a huge budget, spielberg movie. in fact, it kinda was. but that's why the movie is so cool. it takes one of those "high concept" ideas (that's hollywood fancy talk for an ideas like "aliens declare war on earth!" "a meteor threatens earth!" "earth!"), and makes it small and sorta real.
Now let me throw this out at you: Total budget for the film - $7,000. You read that right, $7,000. I really hate when anyone talks about budgets for movies because it shouldn't matter. A good movie is a good movie, and you shouldn't hate on a movie cause it cost them $100 million dollars to make it. What do you care? It's not your money. If it's good, it's good. But in this case, that number is a little ridiculous. It seems impossible. It just goes to show that if you have a great idea and focus on storytelling, you can make something really great, no matter the budget. I'm talking to you, Lucas. I could give a fuck about how real your digital stuffed animal aliens look like, write some dialogue that isn't total hack crap. that's something that the boys at ILM can't fix. $7,000!!! I'm sorry, I don't want to go overboard but this has to be one of the most stunning feats in the film world. It's just impossible to make a movie for that low of a budget. And to make it good is even more of a stretch. It made me think though, if I had written that script I couldn't have just made it. I would've been like, this is the most genius thing and I'm selling it for a million dollars. But that's me, i'm a greedy asshole.
Okay, this movie is far from perfect. It not only is confusing, it seems like it's trying to be extra confusing for no good reason. In the first 20 minutes I had no idea what the fuck they were talking about, and the confusing parts hadn't even started yet. But it made me think. And it didn't hold my hand and say "here's what we're doing here". it just went, and I was forced to do something I never have to do while watching Brandon solve problems at the Beverly Hills Beach Club - I was forced to pay attention. Really pay attention, and actively think about what the fuck was going on and try to figure it out. And it didn't even really bother me that I couldn't figure it out, i just knew something cool was happening and it was done in a way that i knew they knew what they were doing. and i love that. that's one of the reasons i stopped watching "24" during the first season. They don't know what they're doing, they're making it up as they go along. oh, you like Nina? well now she's a bad guy! yeah, we showed you! no, you didn't know she was a bad guy till the moment she turned into one. that's not a real story. that's bullshit. That's not storytelling. That's hack. That's why Lost is so good. The've thought of this shit ahead of time. they have a plan, and that's all you can ask for. This guy had thought of this beforehand, he has the answers, and knowing that is good enough, even if you can't figure out what the hell is going on.
The biggest problem i have with the move though, and this could have something to do with the budget, is that they didn't do enough with the brilliant ideas. there were so many great ideas in the movie, but they weren't capitalized on enough. when they started to reveal the implications of the invention, what's possible, what COULD be going on here, i was like holy shit! but they really didn't follow through enough. And the movie could've been really, really scary. but it stopped at being a little spooky. I think with more money, maybe a more experienced producer or something, they could've gone all the way with all this stuff. then again, they could've fucked it up entirely. so i'll just be satisfied with the way it is, brilliant.
sorry this is so vague, but i really don't want to ruin the movie for anyone. so, just see primer.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
i finally admit that snl sucks
My goal is to just write movies for a living. That's all I want to be doing. In the meantime though, I'm writing comedy for TV, which I can't complain about and do enjoy and pray continues so I can afford to eat and not watch reruns of "Dawson's" for the rest of my life. And since I am writing comedy for TV, it would be a dream come true to work on Saturday Night Live. I've been watching the show since the golden "Billy Crystal/Christopher Guest/Martin Short/Synchronized swimming sketch" days. Ah, those were good days. When we got a VCR I used to tape the episodes and watch them sunday morning. There were so many great sketches those days - jackie roger jr. $100,000 jackpot wad, auditions for Superman, kidnapping Mary Tyler Moore, I could go on and on. What I'm saying is, I'm a huge fan. It has been very common during the course of the show's run for people to jump on the snl hate bandwagon, but not me. i've always given it the benefit of the doubt, just because comedy is almost supposed to be hit and miss, and that's always been the nature of the show. But sometimes the show is so bad even i can't ignore it.
In my career as a fan, there have been 3 disastrous seasons. The first being the year Lorne Michaels came back, which featured a cast of Robert Downey Jr., Anthony Michael Hall, Randy Quaid, Joan Cusack, Nora Dunn, John Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Demetra Vance, and some gay guy, terry something. Great cast in theory (anthony michael hall in the '80's couldn't not be funny), but it just didn't work. i vividly remember watching the first episode of that season, it was hosted by madonna and was actually pretty good, but the rest of the year was embarrassing. Lorne got rid of almost everyone and stacked the show with dana carvey, jan hooks, victoria jackson, mike myers, kevin nealon, and the perhaps the greatest cast member of all time, the late great phil hartman. a golden run, perhaps the greatest run, even better than the original run, began.
the next disastrous season ocurred in the mid-90's, when the show was transitioning from that legendary cast along with the guys that had joined them - sandler, spade, farley, etc. - to the will ferrell era. they hired janeane garofalo, michael mckean, that guy from kids in the hall, nancy walls, and chris elliot. also, talented people. but for some reason it didn't work out. just seeing episodes from that season make me cringe.
and finally, the third horrible season i'm talking about ocurred way back in 2005. yeah, i think we can all agree this year was really bad. a huge part of the problem is that will ferrell is gone. actually, you can throw kattan in there too, and cheri oteri and molly shannon. all of these people left and they've not truly been replaced (in case you're wondering, it isn't unintentional that jimmy fallon isn't included here. hate that guy). it would be like the lakers losing shaq and getting brian grant, chucky atkins, and vlade divac in his place. imagine how shitty that would be. so now we have all these supporting people with no dominant presence in the post. everyone's standing around waiting for the funny guy to come in, but the funny guy is winning championships with the heat now. okay, maybe i confused that metaphor but you get my point. something must be done, and i am the man to do it. if i am ever to get hired by snl, here is my simple plan to make it good again (assuming that they give me lorne's job):
-Fire Horatio Sanz
-No more Appalachian Emergency Room or The Falconer (this isn't rocket science, folks!)
-Bring back Jeff Richards (the only great funny character in years has been drunk girl)
-Tina Fey must tell jokes that are funny to others
-More TV Funhouse
-Jimmy Fallon is never, ever allowed to host again
-Actually, get rid of everyone but Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell and Fred Armisen
-Go crazy and end a sketch with some funniness
-Change the format for once - do some short films, have an intersting standup, this is the show that used to put Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright on, for crying out loud. Stop being a slave to the structure
-Be mean. the show used to be edgy and piss people off. they get one phone call from eddie murphy after a hollywood minute bit and they're castrated for life
-actually hire me
In my career as a fan, there have been 3 disastrous seasons. The first being the year Lorne Michaels came back, which featured a cast of Robert Downey Jr., Anthony Michael Hall, Randy Quaid, Joan Cusack, Nora Dunn, John Lovitz, Dennis Miller, Demetra Vance, and some gay guy, terry something. Great cast in theory (anthony michael hall in the '80's couldn't not be funny), but it just didn't work. i vividly remember watching the first episode of that season, it was hosted by madonna and was actually pretty good, but the rest of the year was embarrassing. Lorne got rid of almost everyone and stacked the show with dana carvey, jan hooks, victoria jackson, mike myers, kevin nealon, and the perhaps the greatest cast member of all time, the late great phil hartman. a golden run, perhaps the greatest run, even better than the original run, began.
the next disastrous season ocurred in the mid-90's, when the show was transitioning from that legendary cast along with the guys that had joined them - sandler, spade, farley, etc. - to the will ferrell era. they hired janeane garofalo, michael mckean, that guy from kids in the hall, nancy walls, and chris elliot. also, talented people. but for some reason it didn't work out. just seeing episodes from that season make me cringe.
and finally, the third horrible season i'm talking about ocurred way back in 2005. yeah, i think we can all agree this year was really bad. a huge part of the problem is that will ferrell is gone. actually, you can throw kattan in there too, and cheri oteri and molly shannon. all of these people left and they've not truly been replaced (in case you're wondering, it isn't unintentional that jimmy fallon isn't included here. hate that guy). it would be like the lakers losing shaq and getting brian grant, chucky atkins, and vlade divac in his place. imagine how shitty that would be. so now we have all these supporting people with no dominant presence in the post. everyone's standing around waiting for the funny guy to come in, but the funny guy is winning championships with the heat now. okay, maybe i confused that metaphor but you get my point. something must be done, and i am the man to do it. if i am ever to get hired by snl, here is my simple plan to make it good again (assuming that they give me lorne's job):
-Fire Horatio Sanz
-No more Appalachian Emergency Room or The Falconer (this isn't rocket science, folks!)
-Bring back Jeff Richards (the only great funny character in years has been drunk girl)
-Tina Fey must tell jokes that are funny to others
-More TV Funhouse
-Jimmy Fallon is never, ever allowed to host again
-Actually, get rid of everyone but Amy Poehler, Chris Parnell and Fred Armisen
-Go crazy and end a sketch with some funniness
-Change the format for once - do some short films, have an intersting standup, this is the show that used to put Andy Kaufman and Steven Wright on, for crying out loud. Stop being a slave to the structure
-Be mean. the show used to be edgy and piss people off. they get one phone call from eddie murphy after a hollywood minute bit and they're castrated for life
-actually hire me
Friday, May 20, 2005
Oh. C.
Another season finale last night. i'm afraid it wasn't as entertaining as the bachelor, but really, nothing could be. That thing set the standard for years to come. It was the O.C's turn and man, what a horrible, horrible season. I don't think I've ever consistently watched a more flawed show since the second season of Temptation Island. But you know? More often than not, Temptation Island delivered the goods, and it didn't have Mischa Barton.
Seriously, this season of the OC sucked ass. And when you think about it, really the 1st 6 episodes of the series were great, and then came Oliver. You remember Oliver, don't you? He met Mischa at her psychiatrist, befriended her, and then somehow made it so Luke was a good guy, and then Oliver became fatally attracted to her and ended up in his penthouse hotel room with a gun to his head. Fuck that was horrible. And things haven't improved since. Well, I can't go that far. I kinda liked the sister, and always liked Tate, I liked Theresa except when she opened her mouth (on a side note, poor Theresa has that kinda voice where it makes it impossible for her to be a good actress. It's Keanu syndrome, or Brad Pitt syndrome, or Drew Barrymore syndrome, whatever. It's that voice that always sounds stiff and clunky and not real at all. Which I excused, until I saw her on Project Greenlight and saw that she thinks she's the shit so now I hate her.)
But the real disaster of the show came with the first episode of this season. You remember it, I'm sure. Theresa was pregnant, Ryan was dutifully working at the saw mill, or laying brick or whatever people in Chino do for money, and Seth was in Portland with Luke (he's a good guy now!). Okay, first of all, the whole 1st season was about how Seth was in love with summer and he was a dork so he couldn't get her, and then he finally gets her and then his best friend moves to Chino (which is, oh, about a half hour drive away) so he gets on a boat and leaves Summer, the girl he's been wanting his whole life, and the girl he named his boat after. First of all, bullshit. Second of all, I was still on board. Until...Theresa called Ryan and was all, "the baby died." and he's like, "really?" and she's all, "yeah". and then he hung up the phone and looked to Seth and went, "Sweet! I'm moving back to Newport! My baby's dead!" What the fuck? He was bummed about that for all of 2 seconds, and, wouldn't he, i don't know, swing by her place now and again to see if she was all right? It was literally, blink of an eye, the baby's dead I'm moving to Newport. That's one of the huge problems of the show, they wrap some things up too quickly, and let stupid stuff play on for a long ass time. But of course, I was still on board.
Why was I still on board? Well, it's not fair. If you stick attractive teens in a sunny locale with a large body of water nearby, I'm in. That's all I need to hear, i will watch. no matter what. It sucks! It's a disease, it's Dawsononucleosis. I'm not exactly sure how I caught the disease, but it probably has to do with my uneventful, No SummerKelly Taylor/Joey Potter getting youth. Okay, that's too sad to talk about, let's move on.
So, the finale. Introduce a gun in the first act, it's killing someone in the fourth act. That's simple geometry folks. We've all seen it a thousand times. I was just hoping it was going to be Mischa to get the bullet, right in her "look my eyes are rolling so that means i'm acting" face. But it wasn't. But to the writer's credit, they seemed to put out a mandate: Less talky for mischa". good mandate. i guess they've pushed themselves into a corner at this point. now the season has to end with someone getting killed. wait, this is a high school, teen drama/soap opera, right? why did it get to the point where someone must die. ridiculous. dawson's season 1 ended with him and joey's first kiss. a 90210 season ended with Kelly choosing "herself". and guess what? I loved that shit! we all did. we don't need death and extraordinary shit, we need some good writing so we're invested in the relationships so the cliffhanger's revolve around that. and that, is the biggest fuck up of all. summer and seth. they ruined them. with all this zack bullshit, and breakups to makeups that made no sense. really, who cares anymore? i don't. ever since he chose luke over her, i was over it, because they had me going with the whole "he loves summer so much he named a boat after her and that's all he wants" thing and then said, "oh, you know what, he loves ryan more. she wasn't that important to him". well fuck you! that's why i was watching the show!
sorry, i'll calm down. as for the actual show - the alcoholism thing, fine, caleb dying, fine, tate coming back, good! ryan and mischa, stop it. seth and summer, actually not bad, but it wasn't about them (or ryan and mischa) and it should've been. the show should've built to that. instead we've got drug deals and funerals, i thought i was watching the sopranos at one point. sopranos except for all the good acting and writing and interestingness.
But even though it was so bad this year, I still find myself wishing that Ryan would get a job at the Beverly Hills Beach Club, but i guess i'll have to spend the summer, you know, working. damn. I guess i just have to turn over to Soapnet and relive the glory days with brandon.
Seriously, this season of the OC sucked ass. And when you think about it, really the 1st 6 episodes of the series were great, and then came Oliver. You remember Oliver, don't you? He met Mischa at her psychiatrist, befriended her, and then somehow made it so Luke was a good guy, and then Oliver became fatally attracted to her and ended up in his penthouse hotel room with a gun to his head. Fuck that was horrible. And things haven't improved since. Well, I can't go that far. I kinda liked the sister, and always liked Tate, I liked Theresa except when she opened her mouth (on a side note, poor Theresa has that kinda voice where it makes it impossible for her to be a good actress. It's Keanu syndrome, or Brad Pitt syndrome, or Drew Barrymore syndrome, whatever. It's that voice that always sounds stiff and clunky and not real at all. Which I excused, until I saw her on Project Greenlight and saw that she thinks she's the shit so now I hate her.)
But the real disaster of the show came with the first episode of this season. You remember it, I'm sure. Theresa was pregnant, Ryan was dutifully working at the saw mill, or laying brick or whatever people in Chino do for money, and Seth was in Portland with Luke (he's a good guy now!). Okay, first of all, the whole 1st season was about how Seth was in love with summer and he was a dork so he couldn't get her, and then he finally gets her and then his best friend moves to Chino (which is, oh, about a half hour drive away) so he gets on a boat and leaves Summer, the girl he's been wanting his whole life, and the girl he named his boat after. First of all, bullshit. Second of all, I was still on board. Until...Theresa called Ryan and was all, "the baby died." and he's like, "really?" and she's all, "yeah". and then he hung up the phone and looked to Seth and went, "Sweet! I'm moving back to Newport! My baby's dead!" What the fuck? He was bummed about that for all of 2 seconds, and, wouldn't he, i don't know, swing by her place now and again to see if she was all right? It was literally, blink of an eye, the baby's dead I'm moving to Newport. That's one of the huge problems of the show, they wrap some things up too quickly, and let stupid stuff play on for a long ass time. But of course, I was still on board.
Why was I still on board? Well, it's not fair. If you stick attractive teens in a sunny locale with a large body of water nearby, I'm in. That's all I need to hear, i will watch. no matter what. It sucks! It's a disease, it's Dawsononucleosis. I'm not exactly sure how I caught the disease, but it probably has to do with my uneventful, No SummerKelly Taylor/Joey Potter getting youth. Okay, that's too sad to talk about, let's move on.
So, the finale. Introduce a gun in the first act, it's killing someone in the fourth act. That's simple geometry folks. We've all seen it a thousand times. I was just hoping it was going to be Mischa to get the bullet, right in her "look my eyes are rolling so that means i'm acting" face. But it wasn't. But to the writer's credit, they seemed to put out a mandate: Less talky for mischa". good mandate. i guess they've pushed themselves into a corner at this point. now the season has to end with someone getting killed. wait, this is a high school, teen drama/soap opera, right? why did it get to the point where someone must die. ridiculous. dawson's season 1 ended with him and joey's first kiss. a 90210 season ended with Kelly choosing "herself". and guess what? I loved that shit! we all did. we don't need death and extraordinary shit, we need some good writing so we're invested in the relationships so the cliffhanger's revolve around that. and that, is the biggest fuck up of all. summer and seth. they ruined them. with all this zack bullshit, and breakups to makeups that made no sense. really, who cares anymore? i don't. ever since he chose luke over her, i was over it, because they had me going with the whole "he loves summer so much he named a boat after her and that's all he wants" thing and then said, "oh, you know what, he loves ryan more. she wasn't that important to him". well fuck you! that's why i was watching the show!
sorry, i'll calm down. as for the actual show - the alcoholism thing, fine, caleb dying, fine, tate coming back, good! ryan and mischa, stop it. seth and summer, actually not bad, but it wasn't about them (or ryan and mischa) and it should've been. the show should've built to that. instead we've got drug deals and funerals, i thought i was watching the sopranos at one point. sopranos except for all the good acting and writing and interestingness.
But even though it was so bad this year, I still find myself wishing that Ryan would get a job at the Beverly Hills Beach Club, but i guess i'll have to spend the summer, you know, working. damn. I guess i just have to turn over to Soapnet and relive the glory days with brandon.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
The Greatest 3 Hours in TV History
I watched the greatest 3 hours in television last night. I have never talked to my TV so much, I've never shook my head in shock and horror so much, I've never witnessed anything like it in the history of my life. And no, I'm not talking about Kevin and Britney: Chaotic. I organized a boycott of that show, a boycott that consisted of me (but I feel like there were others with me in spirit).
I held true to the boycott, although I did hear some clips this morning and jesus christ, it just goes to show you how good attractive women have it in this country. if you're moderately cute at all, the country will give you a free pass. And all you cute girls outraged by what i just wrote, are you doing anything later? Maybe we could get some dinner, talk it over. No, wait, fuck that. i almost want to be with an ugly girl just to say fuck you to the pretty girls. There's just two problems with that strategy: a) it would most likely make pretty girls very happy, and b) i don't like ugly girls. They're just so...I don't know...not fun to look at and just really...ugly.
But Britney's not even pretty anymore!!! So now it's like, watch a girl who used to be pretty become ugly. It's a reverse Swan! It's so revealing though about our "stars". A lot of them are dumb. Really dumb. These people are not who we think they are. It sounds obvious but it still catches me off guard. Like when I see a "tough guy" character in public or in a regular interview, like John Mahoney (the dad in Frasier), and he's the gayest guy in the world. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then I remember, oh yeah, he's an actor. Actor's are gay. Shut up, they are. Think about the dude's in your high school who were all about being in the plays and musicals. That was John Mahoney at some point. His face just grew into a bitter tough guy look, so he plays those crusty old guys, but he's still gay at heart. Okay, I'm rambling.
The greatest 3 hours of TV was of course, The Bachelor Finale. I watched it last night because I TiVo'd it. Please, please, please tell me you watched it. I feel sorry for anyone who missed it, really, it was the most unbelievable thing. I can't believe no one is talking about it. Just a stunning piece of work. I don't know what to say about it, but let me just explain, words can't do it justice, but I'll give it a shot.
The Bachelor this season is Charlie O'Connell. That should be your first sign that comedy will ensue. Apparently all it takes nowadays is to be related to someone famous (how ya doing, Ashlee Simpson). And Jerry O'Connell's not even famous! Okay, all it takes is to be related to someone who was in one good movie...in 1985. Unbelievable. The finale came down to two girls - Krisily and Sarah. Krisily is a very white trash girl from back east who was just thanking her stars she was on TV and lasted this long. Just happy to be there. When asking her grandma what she could do to win, the grandma said "Fuck him. Fuck him immediately. That's how you keep a man." I'm not lying about this. Sarah is a cute little Southern girl who lives in Texas and appears to be a virgin. I don't know this for sure, but she at least seems to be like the rest of America, completely uninterested in fucking Charlie O'Connell.
Usually, the finale of the show ends with the Bachelor taking the girls home to meet his parents, and then rejecting one and proposing to the other. Well, since this formula hasn't exactly been working out, the producers decided to not have Charlie reject one, but to let them date "in the real world" for a couple of months, as the shows aired, and then have him do it "Live". The reason for this is because in the past, they would wrap the show and the new couple wouldn't be allowed to see each other in public, the Bachelor would get famous as the show started to air and start sleeping around with sad, pathetic women at the Playboy mansion. And by the time his choice was revealed, he'd be over the girl he picked and dating Tara Reid. This way, he'd contine to date 2 women at the same time, and then choose, and then it would 6 months before they break up.
Okay, the finale on Monday was 3 hours long. 3 hours long! That's utterly ridiculous. The first hour was the girls meeting Charlie's parents and friends. Charlie's dad is an Oompa Loompa and his mom wears a giant bone necklace. Enough said. But this is standard Bachelor fare. The real genius was the next 2 hours, again, "Live". The had a stage setup in LA, "Live", and both of the girls families in the studio audience. Do you understand what this means? One girl is going to be rejected in front of America, the studio audience, and their family! Holy shit was I uncomfortable! Host Chris Harrison starts talking to the families and he says, this is a direct quote people, "Your daughter's lives hang in the balance here tonight." I hope they're not beaming this to our boys over in Afghanistan.
But the best part (and there were a lot of best parts) was that they kept cutting to the "Dressing room cam", in which they had a split screen of the girls in their dressing rooms as they paced back and forth nervously. For a minute there I thought we were getting ready for Ali/Frazier III. Unbelievable. They're all dressed up all nice, so freaking nervous, just waiting to get told no by Charlie O'Connell of all people. That, my friends, is humiliation. I literally watched the whole episode with my hands partially over my eyes, and I fast forwarded some things cause I just couldn't take it. Cause did I mention it was 3 hours long? Chris interviewed Charlie in studio TWICE. He interviewed the families THREE TIMES. And he just kept asking "What are you thinking right now?" And you could tell, everybody was freaked out. It was just a bad situation. It was almost as bad as when I break up with someone, except for if my family was there, Chris Harrison, a studio audience, and 15 million Americans.
So the end comes, and Charlie goes back to the dressing room area - where our two imposing pugilists are getting warmed up for this epic showdown of dueling divas - sorry slipped into Howard Cosell for a minute. And then Charlie gets to the first door, fakes like he's going to knock, and then goes to the next one. The hell? We don't even know which door's which, or where he's even going at this point. Are those bathrooms, we don't know. It was really weird. The door opens and it's...krisily. He rejects her and she takes it well (the cynic would say that everyone knew who was getting picked and who wasn't beforehand, and the cynic would be right). She's cool and says the saddest thing anyone can say: "Charlie made me realize that I deserve someone as great as him, he set the bar." Aw, please don't mean that.
Oh my God! I almost forgot that the real best thing happens at this point (told you there was a lot). Chris comes in the room and breaks up there little rejection talk. And he sends her out of the room! She doesn't even have her shoes on! He kicks her ass out...of her dressing room! So he and Charlie can have yet more alone time. Unbelievable. She goes out of the dressing room and into the hallway and stands by herself, and of course, they have a camera right in her face capturing the whole thing! The camera just sits on her face in the hall for what seemed like, well, it couldn't have been 3 hours cause that's how long the show was, but it was a long ass time. I might've fast forward through this a little bit. Meanwhile, Chris and Charlie talk about how great Krisily is at getting rejected by a C-list star's brother. That's something to put on the back of your head shot, krisily.
And then commercial and then sarah comes out and charlie cries uncontrollably, professes his love, and gives her a promise ring and she pretends to be happy and love him back. and she's supoosedly going to move out to LA so they can be together. I give it a month.
And that, my friends, is why sitcoms are dead. You simply could not write anything funnier than that.
I held true to the boycott, although I did hear some clips this morning and jesus christ, it just goes to show you how good attractive women have it in this country. if you're moderately cute at all, the country will give you a free pass. And all you cute girls outraged by what i just wrote, are you doing anything later? Maybe we could get some dinner, talk it over. No, wait, fuck that. i almost want to be with an ugly girl just to say fuck you to the pretty girls. There's just two problems with that strategy: a) it would most likely make pretty girls very happy, and b) i don't like ugly girls. They're just so...I don't know...not fun to look at and just really...ugly.
But Britney's not even pretty anymore!!! So now it's like, watch a girl who used to be pretty become ugly. It's a reverse Swan! It's so revealing though about our "stars". A lot of them are dumb. Really dumb. These people are not who we think they are. It sounds obvious but it still catches me off guard. Like when I see a "tough guy" character in public or in a regular interview, like John Mahoney (the dad in Frasier), and he's the gayest guy in the world. And I'm like, what the fuck? And then I remember, oh yeah, he's an actor. Actor's are gay. Shut up, they are. Think about the dude's in your high school who were all about being in the plays and musicals. That was John Mahoney at some point. His face just grew into a bitter tough guy look, so he plays those crusty old guys, but he's still gay at heart. Okay, I'm rambling.
The greatest 3 hours of TV was of course, The Bachelor Finale. I watched it last night because I TiVo'd it. Please, please, please tell me you watched it. I feel sorry for anyone who missed it, really, it was the most unbelievable thing. I can't believe no one is talking about it. Just a stunning piece of work. I don't know what to say about it, but let me just explain, words can't do it justice, but I'll give it a shot.
The Bachelor this season is Charlie O'Connell. That should be your first sign that comedy will ensue. Apparently all it takes nowadays is to be related to someone famous (how ya doing, Ashlee Simpson). And Jerry O'Connell's not even famous! Okay, all it takes is to be related to someone who was in one good movie...in 1985. Unbelievable. The finale came down to two girls - Krisily and Sarah. Krisily is a very white trash girl from back east who was just thanking her stars she was on TV and lasted this long. Just happy to be there. When asking her grandma what she could do to win, the grandma said "Fuck him. Fuck him immediately. That's how you keep a man." I'm not lying about this. Sarah is a cute little Southern girl who lives in Texas and appears to be a virgin. I don't know this for sure, but she at least seems to be like the rest of America, completely uninterested in fucking Charlie O'Connell.
Usually, the finale of the show ends with the Bachelor taking the girls home to meet his parents, and then rejecting one and proposing to the other. Well, since this formula hasn't exactly been working out, the producers decided to not have Charlie reject one, but to let them date "in the real world" for a couple of months, as the shows aired, and then have him do it "Live". The reason for this is because in the past, they would wrap the show and the new couple wouldn't be allowed to see each other in public, the Bachelor would get famous as the show started to air and start sleeping around with sad, pathetic women at the Playboy mansion. And by the time his choice was revealed, he'd be over the girl he picked and dating Tara Reid. This way, he'd contine to date 2 women at the same time, and then choose, and then it would 6 months before they break up.
Okay, the finale on Monday was 3 hours long. 3 hours long! That's utterly ridiculous. The first hour was the girls meeting Charlie's parents and friends. Charlie's dad is an Oompa Loompa and his mom wears a giant bone necklace. Enough said. But this is standard Bachelor fare. The real genius was the next 2 hours, again, "Live". The had a stage setup in LA, "Live", and both of the girls families in the studio audience. Do you understand what this means? One girl is going to be rejected in front of America, the studio audience, and their family! Holy shit was I uncomfortable! Host Chris Harrison starts talking to the families and he says, this is a direct quote people, "Your daughter's lives hang in the balance here tonight." I hope they're not beaming this to our boys over in Afghanistan.
But the best part (and there were a lot of best parts) was that they kept cutting to the "Dressing room cam", in which they had a split screen of the girls in their dressing rooms as they paced back and forth nervously. For a minute there I thought we were getting ready for Ali/Frazier III. Unbelievable. They're all dressed up all nice, so freaking nervous, just waiting to get told no by Charlie O'Connell of all people. That, my friends, is humiliation. I literally watched the whole episode with my hands partially over my eyes, and I fast forwarded some things cause I just couldn't take it. Cause did I mention it was 3 hours long? Chris interviewed Charlie in studio TWICE. He interviewed the families THREE TIMES. And he just kept asking "What are you thinking right now?" And you could tell, everybody was freaked out. It was just a bad situation. It was almost as bad as when I break up with someone, except for if my family was there, Chris Harrison, a studio audience, and 15 million Americans.
So the end comes, and Charlie goes back to the dressing room area - where our two imposing pugilists are getting warmed up for this epic showdown of dueling divas - sorry slipped into Howard Cosell for a minute. And then Charlie gets to the first door, fakes like he's going to knock, and then goes to the next one. The hell? We don't even know which door's which, or where he's even going at this point. Are those bathrooms, we don't know. It was really weird. The door opens and it's...krisily. He rejects her and she takes it well (the cynic would say that everyone knew who was getting picked and who wasn't beforehand, and the cynic would be right). She's cool and says the saddest thing anyone can say: "Charlie made me realize that I deserve someone as great as him, he set the bar." Aw, please don't mean that.
Oh my God! I almost forgot that the real best thing happens at this point (told you there was a lot). Chris comes in the room and breaks up there little rejection talk. And he sends her out of the room! She doesn't even have her shoes on! He kicks her ass out...of her dressing room! So he and Charlie can have yet more alone time. Unbelievable. She goes out of the dressing room and into the hallway and stands by herself, and of course, they have a camera right in her face capturing the whole thing! The camera just sits on her face in the hall for what seemed like, well, it couldn't have been 3 hours cause that's how long the show was, but it was a long ass time. I might've fast forward through this a little bit. Meanwhile, Chris and Charlie talk about how great Krisily is at getting rejected by a C-list star's brother. That's something to put on the back of your head shot, krisily.
And then commercial and then sarah comes out and charlie cries uncontrollably, professes his love, and gives her a promise ring and she pretends to be happy and love him back. and she's supoosedly going to move out to LA so they can be together. I give it a month.
And that, my friends, is why sitcoms are dead. You simply could not write anything funnier than that.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Bored at work, so a few jokes for today...
The series finale of “Everybody Loves Raymond” drew 32 million viewers. Critics say that the ratings would’ve been higher, but I fucking hate that show.
Geena Davis will portray a female president in a new ABC show. The show is expected to put the final nail in sitcom’s coffin.
Freddie Prinze will potray a luckless bachelor this fall on ABC. It’s called “What Life Would Be Like If My Name Wasn’t Freddie Prinz Jr.”
A Manhattan judge on Monday tossed a lawsuit Jay Z filed against former running mate R. Kelly stemming from their scuttled Best of Both Worlds tour. And in a related story, I told you so.
A man suspected of stalking President George W Bush's niece Lauren Bush was arrested by secret service agents on the campus of Princeton University. The agents were able to find the man because he didn’t look anything like Osama Bin Laden.
Geena Davis will portray a female president in a new ABC show. The show is expected to put the final nail in sitcom’s coffin.
Freddie Prinze will potray a luckless bachelor this fall on ABC. It’s called “What Life Would Be Like If My Name Wasn’t Freddie Prinz Jr.”
A Manhattan judge on Monday tossed a lawsuit Jay Z filed against former running mate R. Kelly stemming from their scuttled Best of Both Worlds tour. And in a related story, I told you so.
A man suspected of stalking President George W Bush's niece Lauren Bush was arrested by secret service agents on the campus of Princeton University. The agents were able to find the man because he didn’t look anything like Osama Bin Laden.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
How I came upon a monster and still have no money
A couple years ago when I was still in film school I wrote a screenplay that I thought was pretty good. I worked my ass off on that script, probably harder than I've had to work at any other thing I've ever written. It was a difficult piece, a little complicated, but I really believed in it and when people heard the premise they were excited by it too. Anyway, I was working for a big time, Emmy winning comedy writer at the time. A writer who I think is the funniest writer in town. She is a genius, a real genius, like R. Kelly, where she's also fucked up because she's such a genius. She's also the coolest lady in the world and extremely generous and I love her very much. She begged me to give her that script. But I had never given her anything before so I was nervous that she was going to think I was a huge hack - which I am. I had never showed my stuff to anyone I respected before, but I steeled myself and finally gave her the script. That same night, I got a message from her. The message lasted, and this is no lie, 5 minutes. She loved it. Loved it. She wanted me to make 10 copies right away so she could send it to every agent and producer she knew. She was fucking crazy about this script. She asked me if I wanted to direct it, she told me not to let that fucker Tim Burton to get ahold of it because he'd ruin it. Tim Burton? I don't care if Renny Harlin wants to direct this thing just get me an agent and I'll be dancing in the streets. That message from her changed my life, but more on that later.
So she gives it to her agent, who is, no lie, the biggest TV agent in the business, bar none. He strikes fear in the hearts of every network exec in town. Literally. A couple of days later (a couple of days later!) he calls me up, butterflies are in my stomach, I can't believe I'm on the phone with this superagent asshole (asshole in a really, really good way). He says, "Brian, I read your script. It's amazing...I've read it three times...hilarious...". He quizzes me - "did you write this yourself? who has read it? you don't have an agent? swear to me right now that you don't have an agent!" I don't have an agent, motherfucker! He says he's giving it to the film people immediately but I had to promise that I wouldn't sign with any other agent in the meantime. Well, 4 years later and that script still sits comfortably in my closet. No sell, no agent, hell, no meetings, not even Tim Burton! It's still gold, though, I swear.
A couple months later I was given a script by a writer I knew. It was terrible. Horrible. Great title though, and a premise you could say in one sentence. But it was awful, and it wasn't just me who thought that by the way, other very respected, legitimate writers read it and agreed that it was shit. She grew up with the business all of her life. Lots of contacts. One of the best agencies in the business represented her for unknown reasons. After I read that script I didn't think about it again. I was actually a little embarrassed for her. About 4 months later I went to the Bahamas with my family. When I came back home I discovered that that script, the horrible one with the good title, had sold for $1.2 million dollars. No shit. 1 point 2. Million. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Oh, don't get me wrong, it was because I was extremely jealous. I mean, that piece of shit goes for 1.2 mil? How can that script get sold and she's set for life while my genius script is thrown away and never heard from again? There are a lot reasons for why it happened - her agent, her connections, that gimmicky title and logline, the "star" parts in the script, parts that would be perfect for several big name actors, the ease of which you could imagine the commercial for it - all legitimate factors for buying a piece of property you wish to make into a movie and sell to the masses. And please, everyone, I'm not complaining about this (especially because later I made my own potentially crap movie this way). I'm just explaining how it is, but I ain't mad at her. Unfortunately, they forgot one thing along the way. The script sucked! I don't know why this gets overlooked so easily. I guess one reason is that they all say, "well, we'll fix it later". That never happens. Scripts ain't easy to fix, people. They just aren't.
And so, after casting the "perfect" people they had envisioned when they read it, and matching them with the "perfect" director, and the "perfect" ad campaign, they were ready to roll it out to a gullible American public (sorry, mom). And this week in a theater near you is a little movie called "Monster-In-Law". And it's made it's $24 million this weekend, more reward for a crappy way to make movies. But I'm thinking they were expecting a little more (i mean the script itself cost 1.2, plus J. Lo's salary and fonda and, you get the idea). And next week a little film called Star Wars comes out and that, will be that. The reason it's underperforming is because of what I saw the first time I read it lo those many years ago - it's a piece of shit. And you can get your people in the theaters for the J.Lo/Fonda thing, but the public catches on. I hope. Well, let's face it. The public is dumb, sometimes they don't catch on, but usually they do.
But back to my little script and that phone message. It's okay that the script is collecting dust. I'm proud of it, I wish it was worth 1.2 million but it's okay. What's more important to me (but not my bank account) is that up until then I didn't know if I was a writer. I felt like I was a phony. But after that 5 minute message about agents and producers and how crappy Tim Burton is, it made me realize that maybe this thing was possible after all. And no matter how jealous I was that that writer could sell "Monster In Crap", it also gave me confidence. If she's a writer, I'm a writer. I just need to keep writing, and think of snappier titles.
So she gives it to her agent, who is, no lie, the biggest TV agent in the business, bar none. He strikes fear in the hearts of every network exec in town. Literally. A couple of days later (a couple of days later!) he calls me up, butterflies are in my stomach, I can't believe I'm on the phone with this superagent asshole (asshole in a really, really good way). He says, "Brian, I read your script. It's amazing...I've read it three times...hilarious...". He quizzes me - "did you write this yourself? who has read it? you don't have an agent? swear to me right now that you don't have an agent!" I don't have an agent, motherfucker! He says he's giving it to the film people immediately but I had to promise that I wouldn't sign with any other agent in the meantime. Well, 4 years later and that script still sits comfortably in my closet. No sell, no agent, hell, no meetings, not even Tim Burton! It's still gold, though, I swear.
A couple months later I was given a script by a writer I knew. It was terrible. Horrible. Great title though, and a premise you could say in one sentence. But it was awful, and it wasn't just me who thought that by the way, other very respected, legitimate writers read it and agreed that it was shit. She grew up with the business all of her life. Lots of contacts. One of the best agencies in the business represented her for unknown reasons. After I read that script I didn't think about it again. I was actually a little embarrassed for her. About 4 months later I went to the Bahamas with my family. When I came back home I discovered that that script, the horrible one with the good title, had sold for $1.2 million dollars. No shit. 1 point 2. Million. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. Oh, don't get me wrong, it was because I was extremely jealous. I mean, that piece of shit goes for 1.2 mil? How can that script get sold and she's set for life while my genius script is thrown away and never heard from again? There are a lot reasons for why it happened - her agent, her connections, that gimmicky title and logline, the "star" parts in the script, parts that would be perfect for several big name actors, the ease of which you could imagine the commercial for it - all legitimate factors for buying a piece of property you wish to make into a movie and sell to the masses. And please, everyone, I'm not complaining about this (especially because later I made my own potentially crap movie this way). I'm just explaining how it is, but I ain't mad at her. Unfortunately, they forgot one thing along the way. The script sucked! I don't know why this gets overlooked so easily. I guess one reason is that they all say, "well, we'll fix it later". That never happens. Scripts ain't easy to fix, people. They just aren't.
And so, after casting the "perfect" people they had envisioned when they read it, and matching them with the "perfect" director, and the "perfect" ad campaign, they were ready to roll it out to a gullible American public (sorry, mom). And this week in a theater near you is a little movie called "Monster-In-Law". And it's made it's $24 million this weekend, more reward for a crappy way to make movies. But I'm thinking they were expecting a little more (i mean the script itself cost 1.2, plus J. Lo's salary and fonda and, you get the idea). And next week a little film called Star Wars comes out and that, will be that. The reason it's underperforming is because of what I saw the first time I read it lo those many years ago - it's a piece of shit. And you can get your people in the theaters for the J.Lo/Fonda thing, but the public catches on. I hope. Well, let's face it. The public is dumb, sometimes they don't catch on, but usually they do.
But back to my little script and that phone message. It's okay that the script is collecting dust. I'm proud of it, I wish it was worth 1.2 million but it's okay. What's more important to me (but not my bank account) is that up until then I didn't know if I was a writer. I felt like I was a phony. But after that 5 minute message about agents and producers and how crappy Tim Burton is, it made me realize that maybe this thing was possible after all. And no matter how jealous I was that that writer could sell "Monster In Crap", it also gave me confidence. If she's a writer, I'm a writer. I just need to keep writing, and think of snappier titles.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
HUGE SCOOP!!!
I think we can all agree that "Cheaters" is the greatest show of all time. Well, imagine how stoked I was when I learned that one of my coworkers used to work on the show! Holy shit! All my questions answered! Okay, here's what he says:
20 percent of the show is fake, but the rest is real. So why do they fake some of the show? Well, what's the most memorable episode in Cheaters history? We all know the answer to that, it's the one where host Joey Greco gets stabbed. I hate to break this to all of you, but yep, fake. Oh man! All of my dreams shattered, everything I've ever known and loved wiped out by one simple sentence: "Joey Greco getting stabbed was fake." That kills me, man. Why oh why do they feel the need to "cheat" on these shows. The real stuff is good enough, I didn't need the stabbing episode, I really didn't. I'm happy with large black women punching each other, that's enough for me. Dammit, they had to go there.
But with truth comes light. And I'm a better man now that I have all of my Cheaters questions answered. Questions like, the one where the guys shoots his paintball gun at the other guy? Real. The one where the large black woman burns the clothes of her cheating boyfriend and says "Burn for mama."? Real. How much does Mr. Greco get paid? $500 an episode, with no back end money.
Please feel free to ask me questions about Cheaters you want answered, cause I've got my source. Oh, Greco. You loveable scamp.
20 percent of the show is fake, but the rest is real. So why do they fake some of the show? Well, what's the most memorable episode in Cheaters history? We all know the answer to that, it's the one where host Joey Greco gets stabbed. I hate to break this to all of you, but yep, fake. Oh man! All of my dreams shattered, everything I've ever known and loved wiped out by one simple sentence: "Joey Greco getting stabbed was fake." That kills me, man. Why oh why do they feel the need to "cheat" on these shows. The real stuff is good enough, I didn't need the stabbing episode, I really didn't. I'm happy with large black women punching each other, that's enough for me. Dammit, they had to go there.
But with truth comes light. And I'm a better man now that I have all of my Cheaters questions answered. Questions like, the one where the guys shoots his paintball gun at the other guy? Real. The one where the large black woman burns the clothes of her cheating boyfriend and says "Burn for mama."? Real. How much does Mr. Greco get paid? $500 an episode, with no back end money.
Please feel free to ask me questions about Cheaters you want answered, cause I've got my source. Oh, Greco. You loveable scamp.
Monday, May 09, 2005
1st Day...
First of all, I signed a confidentiality agreement. And quite honestly, I'd rather not get fired this early on so I think it's best that I continue to speak about the show in vague generalities.
Back to work, and this time writing for a real life weekly comedy show on a "cool" network. But let's get something straight: it ain't glamorous. The beginnings of a show is grunt work, and it's not on the air so there's no recognition of where you're at in the pop culture framework. You're just this thing that nobody knows about and you may or may not suck really bad. I think it will seem cooler when we're on the air.
More importantly though, I don't think there's anything I hate worse than the first day at a new job. It sucks. You want to show your coworkers you're smart and know what you're doing, yet you don't know where the pens are and they haven't given you a trash can. No matter what, you're always going to feel like an idiot cause just to get ahold of the new environment you have to ask people inane questions (such as, where can I get one of those newfangled trash cans?).
It was a little difficult today because some of the other writers have been there for two weeks, so they've already got stuff written, and I'm basically just thrown into the fire and told nothing. I had no idea what I was supposed to be writing up. And I only discovered at lunch from the other writers that we're not doing topical stuff. That's kind of a bummer cause that's what I like to do. I don't like to admit it, well, who am I kidding - I always admit it - I like doing Britney Spears jokes. It's who I am. But we're not doing that. We're also not doing "sketches" per se. Also a bummer, cause I really like doing sketches...if they're about Britney Spears. It's a little curious as to why they hired me since my sample packet is filled with jokes and sketches...about Britney Spears, and that's exactly the shit we're NOT doing. Anyway, it's more universal, "ever-green" shit, like "Have you ever noticed that white people can't dance but black guys have big dicks" kind of stuff.
On the positive front, being just a writer isn't too shabby. Meaning that in my last couple jobs I've also had the dreaded label of "producer". This last sentence may sound like I'm a complete Hollywood asshole, but I've given up on not looking like an asshole a long time ago. But it's actually true and not really assholey, because when you're a producer too it's a huge pain in the ass, and you don't get paid any better for it (at least at my lowly jobs so far). A producer has to worry about things like: budget, logistics, tape stock, editing, equipment, casting, the network, the censors, etc. For the most part, I'm just allowed to concentrate on writing my shit - of course I have to keep those things in mind, but that's not my job. I likey.
I have to say that working there today made me realize that The Soup really was an actual comedy show. We were doing funny stuff and we had a lot of talented people. It was difficult for me to see at the time because we were at the worst network ever created by man: E! So it was always like, "hey, pretty good..for E!" It never felt like a real comedy show cause we were on such a hack network with hack people all around us. But now that I'm on this show I realize that we were doing good shit (before the idiot E! people cut all of it out) on The Soup. There's no "magic" that goes on at other networks. Comedy is comedy, even when it's at E!.
Overall, today reminded me of a very important thing I've always known: I just want to write movies. Only movies. Why? Well, there are the obvious reasons: the fame, the fortune, my future romance with one Julie Bowen. But there's another huge reason: when you write for TV you have meetings. Lots of meetings. I want to write a movie, hand it in, have one meeting where I get notes, work on the script, get notes, and the cycle continues. Meetings everyday kill me, you know why? Cause there's always people there! Now don't get me wrong, I like some people. But unlike seemingly 95 percent of the rest of the population, I have a little something called standards. I also have little somethings called impatience and snobbery too, but let's just from now refer to it as my high standards. This relates to something I plan on writing in the future about the opposite sex, where I'm absolutely convinced that a huge number of people in our society are getting married more out of a combination of low standards and giving up, then actual love. But that's a whole other entry.
I'm tired, it was my first day without a nap in a month, I need my 10 hours of sleep. Goodnight.
Quote of the Day (actually, let's be honest, it's the quote of the year)
"Congratulations, you're a meat head, son, but guess what? Don't you ever touch my underwear." - Brad from The Real World/Road Rules Challenge
Back to work, and this time writing for a real life weekly comedy show on a "cool" network. But let's get something straight: it ain't glamorous. The beginnings of a show is grunt work, and it's not on the air so there's no recognition of where you're at in the pop culture framework. You're just this thing that nobody knows about and you may or may not suck really bad. I think it will seem cooler when we're on the air.
More importantly though, I don't think there's anything I hate worse than the first day at a new job. It sucks. You want to show your coworkers you're smart and know what you're doing, yet you don't know where the pens are and they haven't given you a trash can. No matter what, you're always going to feel like an idiot cause just to get ahold of the new environment you have to ask people inane questions (such as, where can I get one of those newfangled trash cans?).
It was a little difficult today because some of the other writers have been there for two weeks, so they've already got stuff written, and I'm basically just thrown into the fire and told nothing. I had no idea what I was supposed to be writing up. And I only discovered at lunch from the other writers that we're not doing topical stuff. That's kind of a bummer cause that's what I like to do. I don't like to admit it, well, who am I kidding - I always admit it - I like doing Britney Spears jokes. It's who I am. But we're not doing that. We're also not doing "sketches" per se. Also a bummer, cause I really like doing sketches...if they're about Britney Spears. It's a little curious as to why they hired me since my sample packet is filled with jokes and sketches...about Britney Spears, and that's exactly the shit we're NOT doing. Anyway, it's more universal, "ever-green" shit, like "Have you ever noticed that white people can't dance but black guys have big dicks" kind of stuff.
On the positive front, being just a writer isn't too shabby. Meaning that in my last couple jobs I've also had the dreaded label of "producer". This last sentence may sound like I'm a complete Hollywood asshole, but I've given up on not looking like an asshole a long time ago. But it's actually true and not really assholey, because when you're a producer too it's a huge pain in the ass, and you don't get paid any better for it (at least at my lowly jobs so far). A producer has to worry about things like: budget, logistics, tape stock, editing, equipment, casting, the network, the censors, etc. For the most part, I'm just allowed to concentrate on writing my shit - of course I have to keep those things in mind, but that's not my job. I likey.
I have to say that working there today made me realize that The Soup really was an actual comedy show. We were doing funny stuff and we had a lot of talented people. It was difficult for me to see at the time because we were at the worst network ever created by man: E! So it was always like, "hey, pretty good..for E!" It never felt like a real comedy show cause we were on such a hack network with hack people all around us. But now that I'm on this show I realize that we were doing good shit (before the idiot E! people cut all of it out) on The Soup. There's no "magic" that goes on at other networks. Comedy is comedy, even when it's at E!.
Overall, today reminded me of a very important thing I've always known: I just want to write movies. Only movies. Why? Well, there are the obvious reasons: the fame, the fortune, my future romance with one Julie Bowen. But there's another huge reason: when you write for TV you have meetings. Lots of meetings. I want to write a movie, hand it in, have one meeting where I get notes, work on the script, get notes, and the cycle continues. Meetings everyday kill me, you know why? Cause there's always people there! Now don't get me wrong, I like some people. But unlike seemingly 95 percent of the rest of the population, I have a little something called standards. I also have little somethings called impatience and snobbery too, but let's just from now refer to it as my high standards. This relates to something I plan on writing in the future about the opposite sex, where I'm absolutely convinced that a huge number of people in our society are getting married more out of a combination of low standards and giving up, then actual love. But that's a whole other entry.
I'm tired, it was my first day without a nap in a month, I need my 10 hours of sleep. Goodnight.
Quote of the Day (actually, let's be honest, it's the quote of the year)
"Congratulations, you're a meat head, son, but guess what? Don't you ever touch my underwear." - Brad from The Real World/Road Rules Challenge
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Back to work...
Well, I promised myself that after my embarrassing but extremely brilliant and convincing argument about R. Kelly that I would go back to writing, you know, actual comedy. But things change. I have to report that after a magnificent one month stay in the wonderful (and tan) world of unemployment, I have rejoined the working ranks. And the best part is that instead of hiring me to produce a crapfest featuring fat guys, hairy guys, bikini girls, the old and the mildly retarded, they have hired me to write, you know, actual comedy. We'll see if it actually works out that way. Oh, and by the way, after seeing the aforementioned crapfest, the Miller Brewing Company thought it was gold and is sponsoring the whole thing. It will be airing shortly on the web, as well as in Miller Park. So if you're ever in Milwaukee for a baseball game, those morbidly obese guys having a jumping or sprinting contest on the jumbotron - that's partly my genius.
I know what you're asking yourself: why do I keep reading this stupid thing? No. Besides that. You're asking, what will happen to this blog now that you're working again? Well, if you are asking yourself that than you have serious life questions to work out. But though you are very disturbed, I'll answer anyway. I think this job is actually going to lead to even more stuff on here masquerading as comedy. Why? Because when I work these writing jobs, I tend to write a lot of stuff. Some of which I think is the funniest shit ever written. The producers then take that stuff and tell me that it's not funny. Then they take the stuff I thought was marginal and instantly put it on the air. Thus, the stuff I think is fantastic will land here and I will learn if I truly have no sense of what is funny. I look forward to your reactions.
But since this is my last day in unemploymentville, I thought I'd reflect on the things I will miss now that I will be spending the greater part of my time in an office:
My "bronzed God" status - Okay, minus the whole "God" part. But the bronzed part is sorta true, I mean for a pasty white dude such as myself. I've found that tan's are a really good thing to rub in people's faces who have to work. As for the whole God part, for some reason sitting around all day doesn't make you want to go work out. I always think of it as one of God's fuck yous to all of us. He's like, hey, you have time to sit around all day but guess what? You're going to feel even more tired than you do when you work. You thought you had gotten one over on me, well guess what? I'm God, fuck you, go take another nap.
Reading - I don't know if I really like reading, but I think I do. But it might just be a way for me to pat myself on the back for being productive, without really being productive. I mean, what's more productive: reading Entertainment Weekly or watching Entertainment Tonight? A question for the ages.
An empty TiVo - I ask you: is there any greater feeling than being totally caught up on TiVo? Sure, you're a loser for watching that much TV, but a succesful loser! Of all the losers, I'm doing it the best!
Beach life - One of the best times of my non-working day would be to walk down to the pier, look at all the people milling around - on a week day - and wonder "don't you people have to work?!?" And then of course I'd realize I'm one of them, and then I'd make excuses for why I'm different, and then I'd just hope that they weren't all unemployed comedy writers too.
Making mix CDs - When you're not working, and you call yourself a writer but aren't writing, you spend a lot of time on the internet. And that gets boring, so you spend a lot of time on Itunes. And this sparks a creative side, and you start creating all these intricate ways of putting together the perfect CD (and pondering your lost dreams of being a DJ)...well, at least I do that... I hate myself.
"Ed" - a lost gem, it's legend will grow with time. Julie Bowen, you will not be forgotten!
My first impressions will come tomorrow...
I know what you're asking yourself: why do I keep reading this stupid thing? No. Besides that. You're asking, what will happen to this blog now that you're working again? Well, if you are asking yourself that than you have serious life questions to work out. But though you are very disturbed, I'll answer anyway. I think this job is actually going to lead to even more stuff on here masquerading as comedy. Why? Because when I work these writing jobs, I tend to write a lot of stuff. Some of which I think is the funniest shit ever written. The producers then take that stuff and tell me that it's not funny. Then they take the stuff I thought was marginal and instantly put it on the air. Thus, the stuff I think is fantastic will land here and I will learn if I truly have no sense of what is funny. I look forward to your reactions.
But since this is my last day in unemploymentville, I thought I'd reflect on the things I will miss now that I will be spending the greater part of my time in an office:
My "bronzed God" status - Okay, minus the whole "God" part. But the bronzed part is sorta true, I mean for a pasty white dude such as myself. I've found that tan's are a really good thing to rub in people's faces who have to work. As for the whole God part, for some reason sitting around all day doesn't make you want to go work out. I always think of it as one of God's fuck yous to all of us. He's like, hey, you have time to sit around all day but guess what? You're going to feel even more tired than you do when you work. You thought you had gotten one over on me, well guess what? I'm God, fuck you, go take another nap.
Reading - I don't know if I really like reading, but I think I do. But it might just be a way for me to pat myself on the back for being productive, without really being productive. I mean, what's more productive: reading Entertainment Weekly or watching Entertainment Tonight? A question for the ages.
An empty TiVo - I ask you: is there any greater feeling than being totally caught up on TiVo? Sure, you're a loser for watching that much TV, but a succesful loser! Of all the losers, I'm doing it the best!
Beach life - One of the best times of my non-working day would be to walk down to the pier, look at all the people milling around - on a week day - and wonder "don't you people have to work?!?" And then of course I'd realize I'm one of them, and then I'd make excuses for why I'm different, and then I'd just hope that they weren't all unemployed comedy writers too.
Making mix CDs - When you're not working, and you call yourself a writer but aren't writing, you spend a lot of time on the internet. And that gets boring, so you spend a lot of time on Itunes. And this sparks a creative side, and you start creating all these intricate ways of putting together the perfect CD (and pondering your lost dreams of being a DJ)...well, at least I do that... I hate myself.
"Ed" - a lost gem, it's legend will grow with time. Julie Bowen, you will not be forgotten!
My first impressions will come tomorrow...
Monday, May 02, 2005
In Defense of a Musical Genius
You know, I wasn't going to write this essay. But I've received so much derision and outrage over my claims about R. Kelly that now I must respond. All of you out there would not believe the unsubstantiated, uneducated, ill-informed responses I was subjected to this weekend. But I was strong, people. I didn't play into their sick mind games. I was patient, I bided my time...until now.
R. Kelly is a genius.
gen·ius (jnys)n. pl. gen·ius·es
1 : extraordinary intellectual power especially as manifested in creative activity
I think by this definition - which is the definition of genius - my case is easily proven. I mean, he's sold millions and millions of music that he has created. And not just one song or one album, but 15 years of songs and albums, all created by himself and no one else. I think all of you would have to agree that this qualifies as "extraordinary". My case is already made. But I know the people drinking the Hater-ade want more, so I'll give them more.
First, let's get something straight: just because someone is a musical genius doesn't mean you have to like their music. I'm sure Beethoven is a genius, but when I get in my car it's not his CD I'm booming in my system. They tell me Fellini and Bergman are geniuses, but I'd rather watch a shitty episode of Dawson's Creek. And Einstein's great and all, but I'm not really a fan of his earlier work. I found it a little derivative. So again: Genius does not necessarily equal like.
R. Kelly's first album came out in 1992. Here are some other R&B acts that have come and gone since that time: Hi-Five, Intro, SWV, Mint Condition, Jade, Ralph Tresvant, Johnny Gill, Bobby Brown, Bell Biv Devoe, Tony Toni Tone, Guy, Aaron Hall, Tevin Campbell, Whitehead Brothers, Soul 4 Real, TLC, Total, Lauryn Hill (that's right, she's gone from all around musical dynamo racist to just baby-making racist), Jodeci, Kenny Lattimore, Boys II Men, Shai, Xscape...Sadly, I think I have all of these albums, but nevermind my sad life, that's not what we're talking about here (although we kind of are, because I'm writing a 10,000 word essay about R. Kelly, but let me deal with that in my own personal hell). You get the picture - they've all come, and they've all gone - and yet R. remains. The reason he is still around is because he writes, produces, and arranges all of his own shit. His fate is not left to any producer's hands. It's as simple as consistently producing great music for himself. If he didn't, he'd be opening for Boys II Men at the Knitting Factory this weekend.
And this is a good point to talk music producers. As I discussed earlier about Kelly Clarkson, music today is all about the producer. Here are the producers making 90 percent of the good music these days (keep in mind that I only listen to the black man's music, so I don't know about people who are white): Neptunes, Jazze Pha, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Jermaine Dupri, Kanye West, Timbaland, Tone and Poke, Cool and Dre, Hi Tek, Raphael Saadiq...I'm probably forgetting a couple people, but basically that's it. Only Dre and Jermaine Dupri have been doing it as long as R. Kelly, and I would argue both of them are geniuses as well. And I would also argue that R. has been much more prolific than Dre, and much more diverse in production than both of them.
R. Kelly has hits in R&B, hip hop, and gospel. I went to a concert and he wrote a mini-opera, and then sung it Opera style. He goes to piano bars anonymously and plays for the oblivious patrons. He writes and produces huge hits for other artists. He had the most top ten singles in America during the 90's. He's got lots of Grammys. I'm not going to bore you with his individual albums, of which there are 10, 2 of which are double albums, or the albums he has written and produced for other people, Aaliyah and Ron Isley to name two, but let's just say the man never stops working.
The "rape" thing. You cannot discuss this guy without talking about this whole "rape" or "peeing" thing. Okay. I'm not saying that the man is without his eccentricities. Hey, I like a good urination as much as the next guy, but not when people around, I tend to get stage fright. But just because R. doesn't seem to get stage fright like I do, doesn't mean he's not a genius. In fact, they backup my claim. Geniuses are weird. Geniuses are extremely fucked up. Geniuses cannot be normal members of our society. They are different than us, freakishly so. They cannot be expected to play within what is considered normal for us. I mean check out the head of hair on Einstein! You think that was a popular look in the '30's and '40's? I don't think so. These guys don't settle down, get married, have children, buy a house with a white picket fence, punch a clock, do their genius, and then punch out and call it a life. It doesn't work that way. And let's be clear: the girls in the R. Kelly videos were more than willing participants. I know it doesn't make it right, it's still wrong, but it's not AS wrong as unwilling participants - I think we can agree with that. Roman Polanski brutally sodomized a 14 year old girl...and then won the Oscar and got a standing ovation - not for the sodomy, for directing a movie.
But all in all, I don't think R.'s trouble with the law has any bearing on whether or not he's a genius. He's a genius because of the music. 15 years and going strong. And if all of my arguments haven't won you over, then you are clearly a cold and bitter person unwilling to shed your inhibitions and delight in the pure joy that is Bump N' Grind, The Remix. If you are one of these people, then this is my last ditch effort to convince you:
Go to the store and pick up the "Happy People" album. Listen to disc one. Try not to like it. I guarantee you, you will not be able to resist. And when you finally succumb to the genius of that particular album, I will happily welcome you aboard the R. Kelly train.
Case closed.
R. Kelly is a genius.
gen·ius (jnys)n. pl. gen·ius·es
1 : extraordinary intellectual power especially as manifested in creative activity
I think by this definition - which is the definition of genius - my case is easily proven. I mean, he's sold millions and millions of music that he has created. And not just one song or one album, but 15 years of songs and albums, all created by himself and no one else. I think all of you would have to agree that this qualifies as "extraordinary". My case is already made. But I know the people drinking the Hater-ade want more, so I'll give them more.
First, let's get something straight: just because someone is a musical genius doesn't mean you have to like their music. I'm sure Beethoven is a genius, but when I get in my car it's not his CD I'm booming in my system. They tell me Fellini and Bergman are geniuses, but I'd rather watch a shitty episode of Dawson's Creek. And Einstein's great and all, but I'm not really a fan of his earlier work. I found it a little derivative. So again: Genius does not necessarily equal like.
R. Kelly's first album came out in 1992. Here are some other R&B acts that have come and gone since that time: Hi-Five, Intro, SWV, Mint Condition, Jade, Ralph Tresvant, Johnny Gill, Bobby Brown, Bell Biv Devoe, Tony Toni Tone, Guy, Aaron Hall, Tevin Campbell, Whitehead Brothers, Soul 4 Real, TLC, Total, Lauryn Hill (that's right, she's gone from all around musical dynamo racist to just baby-making racist), Jodeci, Kenny Lattimore, Boys II Men, Shai, Xscape...Sadly, I think I have all of these albums, but nevermind my sad life, that's not what we're talking about here (although we kind of are, because I'm writing a 10,000 word essay about R. Kelly, but let me deal with that in my own personal hell). You get the picture - they've all come, and they've all gone - and yet R. remains. The reason he is still around is because he writes, produces, and arranges all of his own shit. His fate is not left to any producer's hands. It's as simple as consistently producing great music for himself. If he didn't, he'd be opening for Boys II Men at the Knitting Factory this weekend.
And this is a good point to talk music producers. As I discussed earlier about Kelly Clarkson, music today is all about the producer. Here are the producers making 90 percent of the good music these days (keep in mind that I only listen to the black man's music, so I don't know about people who are white): Neptunes, Jazze Pha, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Jermaine Dupri, Kanye West, Timbaland, Tone and Poke, Cool and Dre, Hi Tek, Raphael Saadiq...I'm probably forgetting a couple people, but basically that's it. Only Dre and Jermaine Dupri have been doing it as long as R. Kelly, and I would argue both of them are geniuses as well. And I would also argue that R. has been much more prolific than Dre, and much more diverse in production than both of them.
R. Kelly has hits in R&B, hip hop, and gospel. I went to a concert and he wrote a mini-opera, and then sung it Opera style. He goes to piano bars anonymously and plays for the oblivious patrons. He writes and produces huge hits for other artists. He had the most top ten singles in America during the 90's. He's got lots of Grammys. I'm not going to bore you with his individual albums, of which there are 10, 2 of which are double albums, or the albums he has written and produced for other people, Aaliyah and Ron Isley to name two, but let's just say the man never stops working.
The "rape" thing. You cannot discuss this guy without talking about this whole "rape" or "peeing" thing. Okay. I'm not saying that the man is without his eccentricities. Hey, I like a good urination as much as the next guy, but not when people around, I tend to get stage fright. But just because R. doesn't seem to get stage fright like I do, doesn't mean he's not a genius. In fact, they backup my claim. Geniuses are weird. Geniuses are extremely fucked up. Geniuses cannot be normal members of our society. They are different than us, freakishly so. They cannot be expected to play within what is considered normal for us. I mean check out the head of hair on Einstein! You think that was a popular look in the '30's and '40's? I don't think so. These guys don't settle down, get married, have children, buy a house with a white picket fence, punch a clock, do their genius, and then punch out and call it a life. It doesn't work that way. And let's be clear: the girls in the R. Kelly videos were more than willing participants. I know it doesn't make it right, it's still wrong, but it's not AS wrong as unwilling participants - I think we can agree with that. Roman Polanski brutally sodomized a 14 year old girl...and then won the Oscar and got a standing ovation - not for the sodomy, for directing a movie.
But all in all, I don't think R.'s trouble with the law has any bearing on whether or not he's a genius. He's a genius because of the music. 15 years and going strong. And if all of my arguments haven't won you over, then you are clearly a cold and bitter person unwilling to shed your inhibitions and delight in the pure joy that is Bump N' Grind, The Remix. If you are one of these people, then this is my last ditch effort to convince you:
Go to the store and pick up the "Happy People" album. Listen to disc one. Try not to like it. I guarantee you, you will not be able to resist. And when you finally succumb to the genius of that particular album, I will happily welcome you aboard the R. Kelly train.
Case closed.
My Stages of Drunkenness
I recently realized that you can tell how drunk I am by extremely specific behaviors that I exhibit as the alcohol starts to get to me. This weekend I did a careful research study to develop a chart which can help those around me determine my level of intoxication.
Slightly buzzed: I start pondering the eternal question of Superman III, which is this: when Superman corrects the leaning tower of Pisa, was that really a dick move? This is followed by my shock and dismay that this doesn't lead to an amazing intellectual discussion.
Buzzed: Express outrage over the country's educational system, specifically the fact that the only thing elementary schools teach about are dinosaurs and the planets. Seriously, do you remember how much time they spent on that stuff? I swear dinosaurs took up my whole 3rd grade, shouldn't they have thrown in basic shoe tying in there at some point? I was 8 years old and still wearing velcro shoes, but I could tell you the mating habits of the Brontosaurus. And I couldn't find New York on a map but I could wax poetic about Orion's belt. (I'm buzzed right now)
Drunk: The "Seeing in R. Kelly for the first time in concert" story, in which I passed up Campolindo's legendary mock rock night just to be nice to my girlfriend, and end up discovering the genius of R. Kelly. This is a particularly embarrassing story because the basic premise of it is that "Mock Rock" night, which is just glorified karoake, is the coolest thing I could've done in high school.
Angry Drunk: Start telling anyone who will listen that R. Kelly IS a genius and pick fights with those who disagree.
Sad Hammered: Turn down offers to head to a strip club because "those girls are victims of society"
Not Funny Hammered: Free style rap - thus forgetting that even though I am a black man inside a white man's body, I still have all of the extremely dorky trappings of a white man
Slightly buzzed: I start pondering the eternal question of Superman III, which is this: when Superman corrects the leaning tower of Pisa, was that really a dick move? This is followed by my shock and dismay that this doesn't lead to an amazing intellectual discussion.
Buzzed: Express outrage over the country's educational system, specifically the fact that the only thing elementary schools teach about are dinosaurs and the planets. Seriously, do you remember how much time they spent on that stuff? I swear dinosaurs took up my whole 3rd grade, shouldn't they have thrown in basic shoe tying in there at some point? I was 8 years old and still wearing velcro shoes, but I could tell you the mating habits of the Brontosaurus. And I couldn't find New York on a map but I could wax poetic about Orion's belt. (I'm buzzed right now)
Drunk: The "Seeing in R. Kelly for the first time in concert" story, in which I passed up Campolindo's legendary mock rock night just to be nice to my girlfriend, and end up discovering the genius of R. Kelly. This is a particularly embarrassing story because the basic premise of it is that "Mock Rock" night, which is just glorified karoake, is the coolest thing I could've done in high school.
Angry Drunk: Start telling anyone who will listen that R. Kelly IS a genius and pick fights with those who disagree.
Sad Hammered: Turn down offers to head to a strip club because "those girls are victims of society"
Not Funny Hammered: Free style rap - thus forgetting that even though I am a black man inside a white man's body, I still have all of the extremely dorky trappings of a white man
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