into the void...

INT. OFFICE - DAY
(SECRETARY, MR. JENKINS, LANCE ARMSTRONG)

A MAN IN A SUIT WORKS AT A DESK. HIS NAME IS MR. JENKINS AND HE’S THE HEAD OF HUMAN RESOURCES. A WOMAN’S VOICE - HIS SECRETARY - COMES ON OVER THE INTERCOM.

SECRETARY (O.S.)
The next job applicant is here for his interview.

MR. JENKINS
Send him in.

THE DOOR OPENS AND IT’S LANCE ARMSTRONG. HE HAS NICE PANTS AND SHOES ON, BUT HE’S WEARING HIS YELLOW JERSEY AND HIS HAT ON BACKWARDS. PLUS, HE’S GOT THE FAMILIAR YELLOW BRACELET ON. MR. JENKINS STANDS AND SHAKES LANCE’S HAND.

MR. JENKINS (CONT'D)
Hi, I’m Mr. Jenkins. I’ll be helping you find a position in the company today.

THEY SIT. MR. JENKINS LOOKS AT SOME PAPERWORK.

MR. JENKINS (CONT'D)
Lance, is it?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Yes, sir. Lance Armstrong.

MR. JENKINS
Armstrong, hey? Any relation to that famous Armstrong...

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Neil?

MR. JENKINS
No.
LANCE ARMSTRONG
Louie?

MR. JENKINS
Not him either.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Uh, Lance?

MR. JENKINS
No, not Lance. Larry.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Who’s Larry Armstrong?

MR. JENKINS
Not much in the history department, I see.

MR. JENKINS SHAKES HIS HEAD AND MARKS SOMETHING ON LANCE’S PAPERWORK.

MR. JENKINS
Larry Armstrong, first man on the moon.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
That was Neil.

MR. JENKINS
Neil Armstrong?! That’s just silly.
(beat)
So, you related to Larry?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Uh, no.

MR. JENKINS CHUCKLES.

MR. JENKINS
Too bad, woulda been a shoo-in for the job. We’d love to have someone related to someone famous around here.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Actually, I’m sorta famous.

MR. JENKINS
Really? And what are you famous for?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
I’ve won the Tour De France 7 times in a row.

MR. JENKINS
Tour de what now?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
The Tour de France. It’s a famous bike race in Paris, it goes all across France for two weeks. It’s pretty big.

MR. JENKINS
Sorry, Lance. You lost me at bike. Used to ride one when I was a kid though. Had tassles and the whole deal, really great memories. But I, you know, grew up and got a life.
(beat)
Anyway, looks like that race you were talking about is over and now you’re looking for something else?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Yep, that’s why I’m here. I’m retired from racing, but I’d like to keep myself busy, find a new passion.

MR. JENKINS
There’s no passion in working, Lance. It’s a long, hard slog every day until God gives you cancer and you die.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
You don’t always die when you have cancer.

MR. JENKINS
I think you’ve been watching too many movies on Lifetime, buddy.
(beat)
But let’s see what we got here on the old resume.

MR. JENKINS PULLS OUT LANCE’S RESUME.

MR. JENKINS (CONT'D)
Oh yeah, says right here - Tour De France. 7 times. And I thought you were pulling my chain - pardon the pun!

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Are you sure you haven’t heard about it? It was on TV, all over the papers...

MR. JENKINS
Sorry friend, I cancelled my subscription to Cycle Weekly when I was 8.
(beat)
Says here you’re an expert on all kinds of bikes, as well as Microsoft Word and Power Point.

LANCE NODS.

MR. JENKINS (CONT'D)
Well, how about something in accounting? We have a position in receivables.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Does that position entail any biking?

MR. JENKINS
Let me look at the job description...

MR. JENKINS LOOKS AT A PIECE OF PAPER AND THEN LOOKS UP.

MR. JENKINS (CONT'D)
No.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
I don’t think so then.

MR. JENKINS
How about a job in marketing?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
That sounds interesting, I have done some spokesman work in the past.
(beat)
What would I be marketing? Anything having to do with cycling?

MR. JENKINS
No. You’d be marketing rubber.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Oh, you mean rubber like for bicycle tires?

MR. JENKINS
No, I mean rubber for rubbers. You know, so you don’t get her pregnant.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
No thanks.

MR. JENKINS
Come on, Lance, this is a pretty good gig. Rubbers are huge now.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
I don’t think people call them rubbers anymore.

MR. JENKINS
Well, they would if you’d do a good job marketing them!
(beat)
I’m sure a big shot, 6 time winner of the Tour de Cannes has a girlfriend, right?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
It’s France, and it was 7 times, and yes, I do have a girlfriend. What does that have to do with anything?

MR. JENKINS
Well, you’re not doing this bike thing anymore, are you?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
No.

MR. JENKINS
I don’t know where you come from, but in my experience women like a man who has a job. You’ve got to be a bread winner, you want to take her nice places, don’t you?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Yeah.

MR. JENKINS
Well then, trust me, protect yourself and your relationship with your girl and sell rubbers.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
No. I’m not selling rubbers!
(beat)
You know what? I thought I would give this a shot but I guess it was a bad idea. I’ll be going now.

LANCE GETS UP TO LEAVE.

MR. JENKINS
Hey, wait. You have one of those yellow bracelets? I have one too!

MR. JENKINS SHOWS OFF HIS YELLOW BRACELET.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Hey, those are my bracelets that raise money for cancer.

MR. JENKINS
I don’t know anything about that. I just wear ‘em cause they make me look cool to the ladies.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
I’m outta here.

MR. JENKINS
Hold on a sec, Larry.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
It’s Lance!

MR. JENKINS
Are you sure it’s not Larry?

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Yes.

MR. JENKINS
There’s actually one other position we have, I don’t know if you’d be up for it...

LANCE STOPS.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
All right. What is it?

MR. JENKINS
Bike messenger.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
Bike messenger, really?

MR. JENKINS
I know it’s not too glamorous.

LANCE ARMSTRONG
It’s perfect. What would I be messengering?

MR. JENKINS
Where the hell have you been? Rubbers!

FADE OUT:

Stuff going on this week (includes a profanity or three)...

We didn't win World War II. We lost. How do I know? Because there are Nazi's here, they go by the name United Airlines.

I want to see "The Island", how come no one else does?

I don't see any conceivable way in which I will ever get married.

If they made lackluster comedy shows in Denver, I would buy a 4 bedroom house for $200,000 and live there.

My favorite TV shows at this moment:
1. Entourage
2. Rescue Me
3. Real World: Austin
4. Surreal Life
5. Blow Out

I really hope this bad box office thing doesn't last until Thanksgiving when a certain Usher movie comes out.

If you go out with Jude Law and get mad when he cheats on you, fuck you. Somewhere Sienna Miller is thinking: "Wait a minute, how hot do I have to be to not get cheated on?"

And somewhere Jude Law is fucking his nanny again just for the hell of it .

Proof that the late Jimmy Valvano was right when he said "Don't give up, don't ever give up": My brand new TiVo arrived!

I wonder who will win the internal debate between the part of me that really wants to watch Laguna Beach this season, or the part of me that would rather shove razor blades in my eyes

How do you rate albums where one is great all the way through, and the other has 5 awesome singles and not much else? Thus is the debate between R. Kelly's "Happy People" album and TP3: Fully Loaded

Wait, I have an answer for my "The Island" question: no one in Kansas knows who Ewen MacGregor and Scarlett Johanssen are.

Top 5 Songs Right Now:
1. DJ Quik/Nate Dogg "What They Think"
2. Kanye West "Gold Digger" (this song's huge)
3. Jermaine Dupri "Gotta Getcha"
4. R. Kelly "Slow Wind"
5. Mobb Deep featuring 50 Cent "Outta Control"


And finally, let me just repeat: Fuck United Airlines!!!

Sign This Petition

Dear Makers of "Must Love Dogs",

I was driving to work this morning when I encountered a billboard for your movie "Must Love Dogs", starring John Cusack and Diane Lane. Needless to say I was very disturbed - not by the audacious marketing campaign, but by the title and subject matter of your film. I find it hard to believe that in this day in age of mass marketing and "4 quadrant" films,, that you would make a movie that dismisses 75 percent of the audience. Must Love Dogs? No, we mustn't.

I've spent my whole life trying to avoid dogs, and now you want me to spend 10 bucks to go watch them? I don't think so. Only dog lovers would be so arrogant to make a movie like this. Keep your propagandist smut to yourselves! We are free thinking, free minded individuals, and we will not have your dog loving horribleness pushed on us. We will never like dogs! Never!

Making this movie is one thing, but dragging John Cusack and Diane Lane into your twisted game is another. They're good kids. And now they will be tainted by this dog disaster forever. I, personally, will never watch another movie with them ever again. The stench of dog movie can never be washed off. And when I go back and rewatch Diane's scenes in "Unfaithful", I probably won't even be able to masturbate. You've ruined her!

And please, before you rush off to make your sequel "Must Love Cats" or "Must Love Squirrels, or the prequel "Must Love Puppies", save that shit. We hate them all.

We, the undersigned of this petition, ask you to cancel the release of your film and burn all copies and the negative. Save us, save yourselves.

Sincerely,


Irwin "Skippy" Handlemen and Friends

Rolling with the C-list

I love this place sometimes...

My buddy asked me to go out with him and his friends the other night. So I show up at this club and he gets me in past the line and without paying. I walk in and he introduces me to two of his friends - both actors - you would recognize both of them. One got his start in Forrest Gump, but you'd only say he looked familiar and i doubt you wouldn't know his name or know anything he was in. The other you would know the exact movie he was in, because it's one of the most quoted movies of all time, and he was a major character in it - plus, it's probably the most iconic movie of the '90's, especially for my generation. Unfortunately for this guy, while the other stars of the movie have gone on to huge careers, I can't think of one thing he's done since. So he's in a position where everyone recognizes him, knows who he is, comes up to him to talk about the movie from the '90's, but he's not really kicking ass in the business. in fact, people at the club were randomly coming up to him and calling him his character's name from the movie - and it's an embarrassing name for people to call you. AND the movie came out almost 10 years ago!

By way of the actor's semi-fame, we get hooked up into the VIP area above the dance floor, which has a couch and a table and so on. But when you get into this area, you have to buy a bottle of alcohol. And at places that are trying really hard to be Hollywood, bottles go for $350 bucks. After the waitress - who is literally wearing a bra and panties and nothing else - explains this to us, the two actors, the two big time guys that have hooked us up, lean over to my friend and say "Hey, man, we're not rich guys, how are we going to pay for this?" Saddest thing I've ever witnessed.

Truth be told, I've always been fascinated with this type of thing, but I've never seen it up close before. You know, that level of fame where people know you, but you live in a studio apartment on Fountain. It's truly bizarre. That movie was probably the best and worst thing that ever happened to that guy. And it's stuck on him forever. So he's getting the perks of celebrity, without the money or acclaim or bit acting parts on CSI. What's it like for this guy when he meets a girl (which he did)? She must think he's rich, but he's not. And as soon as he picks her up in his 1995 Saturn or introduces her to Vince Vaughn or Owen Wilson, you know it's over.

But I kinda relate to this a little bit, because my friend was telling everyone in the club about the tv show and the movie and all that, and it's like, "ladies of the club, i'd like to make an announcement: i am not rich or powerful or know anyone who is rich or powerful." now why would i want to do that? why wouldn't i want to play up this whole showbiz angle to get a little lady action? because the last thing i want is to meet a girl on that pretense, and then have to take her home and introduce her to my roommate and the bathroom we share.

You'd think i'd be old and jaded at this point, but i'm just old. for some reason i'm eternally optimistic about meeting girls up in da club. so stupid. it can never be good. why? because no respectable, really cool girl will meet me in a bar. yes, there are respectable, cool girls in bars. yes, they will talk to guys. no, they will not talk to me. why? because i am not an asshole. i don't really do the cold approach on girls, and respectable, cool girls do not approach guys. that leaves the horrifying girls to come talk to me, and the assholes to approach the cool girls. dammit. what a terrible system. and yet i still think it can happen. but here's what actually happens when i meet a girl and we go out:

she has children (you heard me, that's plural)
she works in customer service or the hair and makeup industry
she has crazed stalkers following her
she has 5 jobs and no money and is taking a class somewhere
she says she had an early night last night, and upon further questioning, it turns out that "an early night" means she left Chi at 1 in the morning - and that's on a monday night
she refers to "jen" and assumes i know who that is but i don't, and i later learn that jen is a "famous" club promoter
she lives with her parents
she doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't do pot, but is addicted to cocaine

Relax, she's not hot

When a girl is good at sports and somewhat skinny with long hair, there's always a rush to try and say she's hot. Can't a girl be good at something without being attractive? Sure, it's less fun, but please let's not pretend about it. Michelle Wie is not hot. Never will be. Now I don't want to presume to be an expert on ladies, but I think we all know I've done some serious research on the women of the far east. She ain't hot! She's good at golf, she's 6 feet tall, true, but she is not cute! Which is fine, by the way, just stop trying to put it in my face that she is.

And by the way, maybe she should try beating the ladies first before she starts beating the men. Now, hold on - I do think women and men should all compete together. Equality is equality. But I kinda feel bad for the women on the LPGA who consistently finish in the top ten - better than Michelle Wie finishes - and yet don't get any hype or anything. I think she should have some respect for those women, because in case she hasn't noticed they are BETTER THAN HER RIGHT NOW. Stop trying to beat the men when you can't even beat them.

I have a feeling this will be my last ever post about the LPGA. Thank you and goodnight.

"Reality" Shows and more TiVo drama

For those of you still under the insane impression that reality shows are real, I direct you to NBC's newest edition of "Average Joe". Everything is so clearly written out on this show, that it's like watching one of Penn and Teller's "magic tricks" where they show you exactly how a hack magic trick is done. You watch it and you're like "oh, so that's how they saw the woman in half on "The Apprentice". This reality "craze" isn't so much the death of drama or sitcom, but rather the repackaging of it. They just cast all the people who aren't good enough to get jobs on those scripted shows, and then feed them situations and lines. It's the same shit, just labeled falsely as real - but every sentence is just as written as anything on Law and Order.

Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with it, but I'm surprised that it's never really spoken about or harshly criticized. And I would like everyone to recognize that what they do on these shitty shows is the same thing they do on the "good" ones, they just do it shittier. Don't think your holier than though Amazing Race bullshit isn't feeding those idiots lines and creating drama. They are. They just have better writers, better producers, and better editors.

Believe me, America is fooled by it, even the horribly obvious ones. How do I know? Because I used to work on the Soup, and at the beginning, we would find obviously staged moments on reality shows and make fun of them. And what would happen? The audience would laugh at the clip - not because it was staged, because they thought it was real and hilarious. And then they would be confused about our joke off of it. We had to stop doing that and pretend with the rest of you that Nick Lachey really has a major household renovation to do every single week while Jessica shops.

On a side note, one of the "Average Joe's" is a guy I worked with back during my hellish 6 week stint at ESPN. Biggest douchebag in the world, and a perfect example of the type of people they get on these shows. Trolling on Craigslist everyday for jobs on TV. It's almost like they're not even actors, they're just weird people who think they should be on TV. Anyway, he had his makeover on the show last night. They put $20,000 of new teeth into his mouth for the show. Unbelievable. I ran into him on Friday and he would not stop talking to me about the agent he signed with, the publicist, the manager, etc. Fuck reality TV just for giving this guy his 15 minutes.

But on to better things on television, cause i don't care what anyone says, TV is great. I feel sorry for anybody who is not watching "Rescue Me". This is a great show, and I know it's on FX, but please watch it. It's funny and dramatic and just plain good. And they even get to say "shit" and "blow job"! What more do you want, people? Denis Leary plays an alcoholic, divorced New York firefighter who's best friend died on 9/11 and he talks to his ghost (haters out there, don't fret about this talking to the ghost thing, it's not really a major part of the show at all, so chill on thinking it's some kind of mystical thing, it isn't). It's great and I highly recommend it.

I also want to say that despite the fact that this will contradict everything I've just said, Blow Out on Bravo rules! God I hate Jonathan, but damn do I love watching his faux-hetero antics!

One last thing, I had a heated argument with the good people at TiVo yesterday. For those of you who know me, you know that I am a very laid back guy. I tend not to get to mad about things, unless it involves the R. Kelly/genius debate or the Lakers first round draft pick. In fact, I've never really been in a fight before - unless you count the time in 7th grade where a 5th grader punched me in the face, but I couldn't work up enough anger to hit him back because I knew his family and knew that he was "troubled". That kid is now either in a mental institution or in jail, so I think that proves I was a pretty insightful 7th grader - I would really like to expand on just how insightful I was back then, by discussing how I used to not do my homework and my parents would get pissed and I would explain that the public school system in the United States was flawed, and they just thought I was lazy, and then I graduated from graduate school and they asked me how I had changed so much from the kid who didn't do his homework and I explained that I haven't changed, I told you, the public school system is flawed!!! but I won't do that.

Anyway, I called TiVo.

me: "my tivo's broken again"

tivo guy: "all right, let's do a system's check."

me: "No, I'm not doing a system's check."

tivo guy: What do you mean?"

me: "I mean, this is the 4th time my tivo's broken, I know all of your system's checks, i've already done them, and I'm telling
you, it's broken."

tivo guy: "well, we have to do it, sir. To verify that it's not working and we can send you a new one."

me: "Let me tell you all the things that are wrong with what you just said. First of all, I'm more of an expert than you are at this point, so believe me when I tell you: it's not working. And second, you're not going to send me a new one. You never send me a new one. Cause if you'd actually sent me a new one at any point in this whole process, I would be fine. But you don't send me brand new ones, do you?

tivo guy: Well, sir, no, we send a refurbished one.

me: And by refurbished you mean broken. You should maybe find some new TiVo technicians because they're not doing a good job of fixing up my broken TiVo.

TiVo: Well I apologize for that.

me: Good, so send me another broken one so we can continue this horrific cycle.

Tivo guy: I can't do that. We have to do a diagnostic check before we send you another one.

me: So you don't trust me even though I've had LOTS of experience with these things breaking?

Tivo: We can't do that because if we get it and find out it's not broken, then someone's out of a job.

me (i swear to God this is verbatim): Let me get this straight: you think I get my jollies waiting on hold for an hour just to talk to someone like you, then having to disconnect my perfectly fine Tivo, packaging it, hauling my lazy ass down to the post office and mailing the thing back to you? You think that's how I get my kicks? No, dude, I get my kicks writing blog entries no one reads. That's how I get off! I assure you it's not by missing a whole 2 weeks of 90210 on soapnet which I would normally have season passed.

tivo: I'm sorry, that's the rule...

And on and on it went, until I got a supervisor and his supervisor and we came to an agreement that I would do the diagnostics check, if they would send me a BRAND NEW Tivo. Damn you, Tivo!!!

Words on celebrity, fame, and the gays (be careful on this one, mom)

I have been fortunate enough to work with 3 "stars" so far in my illustrious career - each on a different level of fame. One, a character actor and basic cable clip show host, another, a guy who gets TV shows named after him and makes millions of dollars a year doing comedy across the country, and yet another who is an international superstar who opens movies with his name alone. Luckily, all three of these guys have been amazing to work with. And they've all had one thing in common: they work their ASSES off. To an annoying degree, cause i like to go home and watch reruns of 90210 sometimes and they don't. ever.

I used to think the life of celebrity and hollywood in general was just 'blow off a stripper's ass' all the time, with 15 minute breaks to film a scene. unfortunately, not so. there's a lot of "work" involved. i thought that stuff was just for dudes at the mill somewhere in the midwest. but damn, those dudes get off at 5 and go home and forget about shit. of course they die of lung disease at 53, but things sound okay until then.

i'm stereotyping and assuming that the rest of stars are like the ones i've worked with, but just go with me here. and besides, i think the people that don't work their asses off, and are just in it for the 'blow off the stripper's ass' thing, go away pretty quickly (obviously not an air-tight rule, charlie sheen). these guys have a one track mind. they don't go home, i don't think they want to go home. perhaps whatever happened at home has turned them into this career obsessed, one-track mind crazy person - all this and more on the next Dr. Phil.

but anyway, this is everything to them and they don't slack. now try to imagine you are one of these people. and your picture is everywhere, and sometimes you look kinda fat, or too skinny, or whatever. tabloids are writing bullshit stories about you, or worse, they're writing true stories about you. and these guys read the reviews. every fucking one. not just the new york times, they read the arkansas incest herald, everything. it must suck to always read about how much you suck. sure, there's good ones, but there's always the ones that say you're horrible and don't deserve to live. so imagine you're one of these guys, and it's your whole life, and the tabloids and paparazzi are all over you, and the critics say you suck, and you've got millions of fans, and relatives and friends living off you, and 5 mortgages and 3 bentleys, and all of your "people" are depending on you, and they're all telling you how genius you are, and no matter how crazy the shit you say and/or do they all say, "you're right!" the world is yours...just one problem, mr. international sex symbol...you're gay. i'm pretty sure that's the recipe for tom cruise. but that's not why i'm talking about this.

i have a much more disturbing debate to ponder. i've been having this argument with someone in this office for awhile and i can't get my head around it. so i'm putting it out to you people:

the question is, if you're one of these guys, these huge superstar, leading man, sexiest man alive types, and you're getting pussy thrown at you like Randy Moss gets thrown footballs and weed, do you get bored? no, no, no. do you get so bored that you start thinking, I wonder what else I can do sexually? no, it gets worse. do you get so bored with all this pussy (sorry, t, i know you hate that word) all the time that you start wondering, what would it be like if a dude sucked my dick? okay, i would argue, no. but many others (around here) argue, yes. let me put forth my position (no pun intended).

this can happen...if you're gay. but it can't happen if you are a legitimate straight man. granted, i've lived a very sheltered life. but come on, it's just not in the straight man's nature. no matter how many women we get, we want more. and there's never a wiener in that equation. never! we can't get bored of it, God went to a lot of trouble to make sure of it. now i will say that a certain boredom could creep in and lead to some weird shit - like using the bathroom on an underage girl, perhaps, or whatever the shit jamie foxx is supposedly into. but good lord, not the wiener!

but others argue that this wiener business can and does happen. in fact, they say it happens in this town a lot. i don't want to mention any names, but i might be talking about a certain guy in a certain movie with a giant ship that sunk. or another guy who lives in a mansion with a name and used to be funny but totally isn't anymore.

it's all very confusing. but i think i'll stick to the golden rule: if you have experience with wiener (i just set the record for use of the word wiener in one post!!! yeah, suck on that, other blogs!), you're gay. so i don't care how many ladies i get, if that guy from that movie with the red head and the horrible acting and gloria stuart tries to make a move, i'm not having it. i don't care how damn sexy he is.

More about war of the worlds

Can I expand on my "War of the Worlds" review a little bit? As i said, it's a very flawed movie. And it does amaze me that the smartest guys in Hollywood (David Koepp/Spielberg) can get together and do a movie with that horrific of an ending. If I wrote some shit like that around here I'd get fired. But I guess it's nice when you're on top. HOWEVER, I was entertained the whole time, and I can't say the same for Batman. I get that Dakota Fanning did a lot of screaming, and it was a little repetitive or whatever, but I thought the action was terrific and interesting. And I was having a conversation this weekend about Tom Cruise: he never ruins a movie. I'm sorry, it's true. It sucks that his insanity is starting to affect all of our minds, but it honestly did not bother me in this thing. I never thought about how big of a homo he was. Not once! And that may be a testament to the movie, because I was watching Cocktail the other day and all I can think of was him engaged in some kind of penis activity. Anyway, that is all. Watch the show tonight, or don't...

Random Tidbits

New R. Kelly album is out today!!! Pick it up immediately.

It's amazing how many hours go into producing D+ comedy. If we worked a few hours less, would we get a D, D-?

I actually got out of the darkness and cold of this dreary place, so I chose to...go to a dark and cold place - the movie theater, and saw Batman and War of the Worlds. First of all, Spielberg is a genius. And I'm sorry, but so is Tom Cruise. And I'm sorry again, but so is Katie Holmes. If I was gay and wanted a fake girlfriend, she'd be tops on my list - actually, seconds on my list, just under that girl from Smallville. War of the Worlds is amazing. It's a very flawed movie, very flawed, but the visuals are truly incredible. It pounds you.

I love the fact that it's cool for 13 year old kids to see entire city's wiped out and people dying everywhere, but it's too much for them to see a boob. (not an original thought, but it's what i was thinking while an alien was using a guy's blood for batteries)

Batman...eh. This movie suffers from SMS - Summer Movie Syndrome, the disease which makes you incapable of properly using your editor. Just cause you shot 4 hours of film doesn't mean we have to watch all of it. Make an edit! It's just too long, and there's too much. Can we put a limit on villains? It made me think of how nice War of the Worlds was in it's simplicity. Aliens are here, run! Why do these superhero movies have the worst fucking villains? Everyone likes to overlook the fact that in both Spiderman movies, the villains made no sense and were horribly lame. If you put a mask over Willem Dafoe's face you totally don't understand Willem Dafoe's face. And Alfred Molina? If you've starred in a CBS sitcom opposite Trailor Howard, I will never be afraid of you. What about X-men, you say? Ian Mckellen. A gay, British man. Enough said there. Liam Neeson was good, but he wasn't in it that much and got lost amongst the ten other bad guys. And anytime you have to use a "micro-electron inhibitor" as your scary weapon, we're lost. At least the audience I was with was lost, but then again, i was at univeral city walk, where they get lost trying to get out of the Curious George parking level. Anyway, villains suck now and so do their goals. "We're making a toxin that comes in a midst that makes you scared of stuff and we're putting it in the water supply and then using this random micro-whatever to evaporate the water..." what the fuck is that??? that's the stupidest, most complicated shit i've ever heard as a motivation. how about just using the micron thing to evaporate all the water, period? i don't even know what that means, but i think i'm onto something. but the point is, when it's so complicated and stupid, who cares? i had no idea why they had to stop that train anyway. Overall, cool stuff and cool ideas, just way too much.

While going to these movies, I noticed a new phenomona: commercials for movies before the previews. Weird.

Another thing I noticed: "fight choreographers" are losing their jobs. There are no "fights" anymore. Just a quick cut, a thump, and the the guy on the ground. They've figured out that showing what actually happens doesn't look very cool, so they just imply stuff. It's the Jaws theory.

Why don't they just go ahead and put every single guy on the baseball all star team? I mean, seriously, 32 guys on each team?

Just because I work on a show, doesn't mean that the people who think I'm funny will like it.

Sometimes people go to the beach and pretend that it's warm. Sometimes it's not.