I never know, is it cool to like Green Day or does that make me a loser? It keeps changing.
Okay, going into this I was wondering how "Diddy" was going to do his opening monologue. MTV solved this problem by having him come out, try to dance around, and saying his name over and over again while a million fireworks go off. Huh, that was like watching his entire career.
It's official at this point: Lindsay Lohan clearly had her breast implants taken out. Why isn't this a bigger story?
Kanye West is living proof of my "genius" theory. He's great, but he's also fucking insane.
Oh, poor Kelly Clarkson. Honey, no outfit can help that body. Just put on some jeans and a T-shirt, and be comfortable with what we already know: you have a huge, ungangly ass, and small boobies.
There have already been a lot of awkward cut aways on this show of people not smiling or having a good time at all.
Jessica Alba comes out. Pretty soon we are going to be an entire nation of mixed chicks like her, Christina Milian, Kristin Kreuk, and Halle Berry. That will be a great day in America, cause all mixed chicks are hot.
There should be elections every year where we vote for people we never want to see again. My vote would be for Ashlee Simpson, and I think she would get an overwhelming majority of the vote. And then, as part of the vote and never having to see her again, she would be killed in a horrible way. Damn you, slow acting Congress!
As for Jessica Simpson, why do girls do this? They get to a point where they are so hot that they try to ugly themselves up. Can't you just stick to being hot? Does being hot really get boring? That must make Ashlee feel better.
They just had MC Hammer on really quick, rapping and dancing like it was 1990, but it seemed like the Jay Z's of the world were watching and laughing at him. But I thought it was really cool. I'd like to have that job at MTV where you just sit around all day and think up cool things you'd like to see. "You know who's so lame he's cool again? MC Hammer." Brilliant!
Seriously, Kirsten Dunst, you should not hang out near Orlando Bloom. Even I want to fuck him.
Okay, why the hell is Eric Roberts a presenter? It's like I'm watching a bad Eric Roberts movie. And guess who he introduces? R. Kelly. It's amazing what you can accomplish by waiving your right to a speedy trial. Holy shit! R. Kelly has lost his mind! Seriously, what the hell is he doing? He's not even singing, he's just "acting" or something. I'm officially embarrassed. I can't watch, I'm turning it, this is horrible.
Okay, I'm back. But in R.'s defense - for the underage girl situation, not the performance - I forgot to put this in my genius thing about him, but did you know that Brad Pitt went out with Juliette Lewis when she was 16 and he was 24? Ha! Suck on that, haters!
Um, where's J. Lo? Isn't this in Miami? She must be looking fat or marrying someone lame again or something.
Obligatory gay police moment: Alica Keys is a lesbian. If you don't know that, you're just not paying attention.
I've never liked Ludacris. Never.
The obvious Notorious B.I.G. thing. I'm telling you, if he hadn't died, he'd be Nas. Who? Exactly.
I'm getting nervous, people. How has Usher not won an award at this point? I need him to get up and give a shout out to the movie..."Dying for Dolly" in theaters November 23rd.
I just turned it to ESPN because the awards are doing some stupid thing where they bring up people I've never heard of because they're latin. Get it? Cause they are in Miami. I guess Miami is Puerto Rico West or something. Do you think if the awards were in LA they'd bring up a bunch of Mexicans? Doubt it. Anyway, isn't it inevitable that I will end up working at ESPN Entertainment channel someday? I hope so.
Missy Elliot's doing that thing where she puts her hair in front of her face cause she thinks she's ugly. I'm not arguing her point, but now she looks like an ugly girl with hair in her face.
Many of you may not know this, but "Diddy" used to make really good beats. Don't believe me? Mary J. Blige's first album is ridiculous, and of course what he did for Biggie and Mase. Why would you not want to do that anymore? Oh yeah, the parties and the models and the piles of cash.
I'm starting to feel guilty about watching this whole show. My TiVO (it works!!!) is backing up with tonight's Entourage, Rome (I'm giving it a shot), the past 3 episodes of Rescue Me, the last hour of Coming to America, Terminal, and a couple of episodes of 90210 - the Susan Keats year.
Ricky Martin...I'm not saying it.
Jamie Foxx is really talented, but let's not tell him that - he might get a big head or something.
Is it wrong that I'm excited for Mariah's performance?
Let me be the only one saying it: Eva Longoria isn't that cute...even when wearing that ho-fit (i just made up that word, it cleverly combines the term "ho" with the word "outfit").
Mariah! First of all, she has always had one great boob job. They hang in just the right way. Second of all, let's all remember that Virgin Records gave her $27 million dollars to go away. Whoops. She's got pipes like Arethra Franklin, and just like Aretha, she will one day weigh 300 pounds.
Added to the "not cute" list: Fergie.
50 Cent should never perform live.
50 just ended his performance by calling out Fat Joe, I don't know what he said exactly cause most of it was bleeped out. So stupid. When you get huge and make all the money and are number one all the time, it's dumb to fight with people who are so far beneath you. You don't see Russell Crowe talking shit about Heath Ledger, or Shaq talking shit about Chris Mihm, or Paris Hilton talking shit about regular sluts. It's unnecessary.
I'm officially old: I've never heard of My Chemical Romance or whoever.
I'm officially old #2: Their song sounds horrible. It's just noise!
Video of the Year! I already forgot who won.
Kelly Clarkson closes the show. You heard me right. Kelly Clarkson. That pretty much sums up this show.
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Saturday, August 27, 2005
"I'm an excellent driver."
This is a true story.
A friend of mine at work has a friend who used to go out with Dustin Hoffman's daughter. This friend of his was making a short film and Dustin agreed to let him use his house and do a cameo. So my friend went over to watch them make the movie and struck up a conversation with Dustin. They were chatting and playing with Dustin's granddaughter and whatever. And then Dustin said "You want to come to my car with me?" I, personally, probably would have said no. My friend said yes. So they went to his Prius and Dustin went into his glove compartment and pulls out some weed and they smoked together. At the end of the day, Dustin got his phone number.
So yesterday morning we were hanging out in my office and my friend's phone rang and he said hello and the person on the other end said "Hey, it's Dustin". Rain Man was calling because he was going to his daugher's house to play with his granddaughter and was wondering if my friend wanted to come "hang out". My friend said "I can't, Dustin, I have to work." Dustin respected that and said next time he'd call on a weekend or something.
I share this story with you for three reasons.
Reason #1: It's fucking insane!
Reason #2: I think it's interesting that no matter how big you are, it's still really hard to make friends. Oscar winners get lonely too, people.
Reason #3: It makes me sad because I think about all the things I miss out on because I don't smoke weed. I would have never gotten past Prius.
A friend of mine at work has a friend who used to go out with Dustin Hoffman's daughter. This friend of his was making a short film and Dustin agreed to let him use his house and do a cameo. So my friend went over to watch them make the movie and struck up a conversation with Dustin. They were chatting and playing with Dustin's granddaughter and whatever. And then Dustin said "You want to come to my car with me?" I, personally, probably would have said no. My friend said yes. So they went to his Prius and Dustin went into his glove compartment and pulls out some weed and they smoked together. At the end of the day, Dustin got his phone number.
So yesterday morning we were hanging out in my office and my friend's phone rang and he said hello and the person on the other end said "Hey, it's Dustin". Rain Man was calling because he was going to his daugher's house to play with his granddaughter and was wondering if my friend wanted to come "hang out". My friend said "I can't, Dustin, I have to work." Dustin respected that and said next time he'd call on a weekend or something.
I share this story with you for three reasons.
Reason #1: It's fucking insane!
Reason #2: I think it's interesting that no matter how big you are, it's still really hard to make friends. Oscar winners get lonely too, people.
Reason #3: It makes me sad because I think about all the things I miss out on because I don't smoke weed. I would have never gotten past Prius.
Friday, August 26, 2005
The hazards of aging and Rico Suave
I went on a field shoot yesterday for the show at a nearby mall. We set up for a couple of shots next to a T-Mobile booth, and there was a young lady working there. So naturally, I began a flirtation with her. I say naturally because it's a well known fact that I love women who do menial labor. Coincidentally, I also have a strong interest in women who are looking for clean cut white dude to save them. And this girl was liking me. She was showing some cleavage, as women hawking cell phones in malls tend to do. And I caught a peak of what appeared to be a tattoo on her left breast. Ahhhh, menial labor + questionable background + tattooed boob, love it. So I ask her, "what's that tattoo say?" And she got all embarrassed and shy and didn't want to say. And she goes "I got it when I was 16. So stupid." And then I said, "What's his name?" And she said it's the name of "my baby's daddy. Gerardo." As I began backpeddling so I could flee, I said "Oh, Gerardo. Like Rico Suave." And she gave me a funny look. I was horrified - not because she has a baby or refers to someone named Gerardo as "her baby's daddy", but because my reference to Rico Suave was lost on her because I'm so old.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Keanu and Diane Keaton?
Keanu Reeves and Diane Keaton are supposedly an "item" again. It's funny, because this story is kind of circulating, but people either don't care or are too grossed out by it to make a big deal of it. You'd think this would be a bigger story - of the Demi/Ashton variety - but I think the difference is that people don't mind imagining Demi and Ashton doing it, but really don't want to think about Keanu and Diane in the sack. Personally, if I had to choose, I'd pick Diane over Demi, but this goes back to a personal grudge I have against Demi for what she did to "A Few Good Men", a great movie marred by her horrific performance.
But it is interesting to note how the tabloids work. The reason you see certain people always in their magazines is because those people want to be in their magazines. They can rely on Lindsay and Paris and Tom doing something insane on a very consistent basis, but it's a rare day when Keanu and Diane Keaton are doing coke at Nobu. Hence, it is doubtful they will ever be on the cover of US Weekly.
But it is interesting to note how the tabloids work. The reason you see certain people always in their magazines is because those people want to be in their magazines. They can rely on Lindsay and Paris and Tom doing something insane on a very consistent basis, but it's a rare day when Keanu and Diane Keaton are doing coke at Nobu. Hence, it is doubtful they will ever be on the cover of US Weekly.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
I'm not the gay police, but...
Sorry, lots of gay stuff recently but I assure you it's just a coincidence. I heard this rumor and I felt the need to pass it along, especially because it involves a guy I mentioned in an early post and because I know my family members will find it interesting. Before I do, I want to assure all of you that I have no issue with the gays. I love the gays. I used to work at E!, for christ sakes. Everyone there is gay and it's fabulous!!!
In fact, it pisses me off that celebrities can't come out of the closet because people in Nebraska would stop going to their movies if they did. And I used to think that was bullshit, but after last year's election and the overwhelming rejection of gay marriage, I guess there is something to it. The idea that people don't want gays to get married is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and they have absolutely no argument for their position. Oh, gays can't get married but Britney Spears and Michael Jackson and Liza Minelli, etc. can? How the fuck does that make sense?
Okay, those are my gay credits, and now, here is the rumor:
Eddie Murphy and his wife are getting a divorce because she just can't take his infidelities anymore. That's right people remember last week I said he must have done something really awful for her to want to divorce a man who has that much money and five children in their brood. Well I was right! Rumor has it that R& B singer Johnny Gill who is in the group New Edition is the reason behind this Hollywood bust up. According to sources Johnny Gill and Eddie Murphy have a thing going on between the two of them and it is even so crazy that Johnny even lives in the guest house on Eddie's property. He has been living there for quite a while and even sits in for dinner with the family!!! He supposedly became so brazen with his affair that he began to lavish over one million dollars worth of gifts on the R & B singer! Whoa, this is just plain crazy I knew it had to be really bad for her to want to divorce him and boy this is really bad. I feel terrible for her and her children and I hope this awful situation can be worked out and that Eddie won't forsake everything for some quick romp that obviously won't last forever.
In fact, it pisses me off that celebrities can't come out of the closet because people in Nebraska would stop going to their movies if they did. And I used to think that was bullshit, but after last year's election and the overwhelming rejection of gay marriage, I guess there is something to it. The idea that people don't want gays to get married is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard, and they have absolutely no argument for their position. Oh, gays can't get married but Britney Spears and Michael Jackson and Liza Minelli, etc. can? How the fuck does that make sense?
Okay, those are my gay credits, and now, here is the rumor:
Eddie Murphy and his wife are getting a divorce because she just can't take his infidelities anymore. That's right people remember last week I said he must have done something really awful for her to want to divorce a man who has that much money and five children in their brood. Well I was right! Rumor has it that R& B singer Johnny Gill who is in the group New Edition is the reason behind this Hollywood bust up. According to sources Johnny Gill and Eddie Murphy have a thing going on between the two of them and it is even so crazy that Johnny even lives in the guest house on Eddie's property. He has been living there for quite a while and even sits in for dinner with the family!!! He supposedly became so brazen with his affair that he began to lavish over one million dollars worth of gifts on the R & B singer! Whoa, this is just plain crazy I knew it had to be really bad for her to want to divorce him and boy this is really bad. I feel terrible for her and her children and I hope this awful situation can be worked out and that Eddie won't forsake everything for some quick romp that obviously won't last forever.
Friday, August 19, 2005
The song "Don't Cha"
If you don't know the song "Don't Cha" then you can stop reading this right now because what I'm about to write will sound crazy, and the song is so ridiculous that I can't properly explain it. But if you do know the song, then let's discuss.
First of all, this song has been floating around for awhile and now some genius has decided to give it to the Pussycat Dolls. The Pussycat Dolls are these glorified strippers that did their thing at a club in LA called the 40 Deuce, and Nicole Kidman would go watch them and it became a "thing". And like all "things", someone felt the need to make it bigger than it ever was meant to be.
Anyway, the song. I don't know why, but I really, really enjoy the awesome horribleness of it. I usually don't like stuff that is supposedly "so bad it's good", but in this case, I do. The part that gives me the most pleasure and pain and general feeling of creepy is when they do the chorus "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me" and then they end it with "Don't cha..." with this inflection that kills me everytime. I can't stand it, yet I can't stand not to stand it. How did they do this? Who thought it was a good idea? I feel like some producer from 1982 was in the studio with the note of "extend the cha on "don't cha" a little more, it'll be great". No, it won't. But it is!
Another thing that cracks me up about the song is that when I'm listening to it I always imagine guys hearing the song and thinking "I DO wish my girlfriend was a freak like that". And then I imagine girls thinking "I AM a freak like that". And then I think about how a lot of those girls are the girlfriends in that equation. And I laugh and laugh. I don't know why, but I do.
"Don't chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
First of all, this song has been floating around for awhile and now some genius has decided to give it to the Pussycat Dolls. The Pussycat Dolls are these glorified strippers that did their thing at a club in LA called the 40 Deuce, and Nicole Kidman would go watch them and it became a "thing". And like all "things", someone felt the need to make it bigger than it ever was meant to be.
Anyway, the song. I don't know why, but I really, really enjoy the awesome horribleness of it. I usually don't like stuff that is supposedly "so bad it's good", but in this case, I do. The part that gives me the most pleasure and pain and general feeling of creepy is when they do the chorus "Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me, don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me" and then they end it with "Don't cha..." with this inflection that kills me everytime. I can't stand it, yet I can't stand not to stand it. How did they do this? Who thought it was a good idea? I feel like some producer from 1982 was in the studio with the note of "extend the cha on "don't cha" a little more, it'll be great". No, it won't. But it is!
Another thing that cracks me up about the song is that when I'm listening to it I always imagine guys hearing the song and thinking "I DO wish my girlfriend was a freak like that". And then I imagine girls thinking "I AM a freak like that". And then I think about how a lot of those girls are the girlfriends in that equation. And I laugh and laugh. I don't know why, but I do.
"Don't chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa"
The Pop Culture Report
You know, I've been scratching my head for the last 3 months thinking I had something wrong with me. But I've talked with a few people and discovered that it's not me, it's pop culture. It's dead. As best as I can track it, it peaked in November of 2004 and has quickly wasted away like Hilary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. You see, I live for this shit. And I thought I was becoming desensitized or something, or less funny. But no, it's pop culture's fault. It wore itself out and now there's nothing left. Sure, we had the great Tom Cruise debacle and the Aniston/Pitt/Jolie thing, but those were like last gasps of a once great dynasty. We need new blood. It's time to let go of Demi/Ashton, Lindsay, the Simpsons, Bennifer, etc., and start anew. But for your enjoyment, and mine, I will summarize what we have learned in the past a couple years in this great Pop Culture boom. These are the facts we now know and have become so tired of that we don't care anymore:
Paris Hilton is a dumb whore.
Britney Spears is a dumb, white trash, fat whore.
Brad Pitt is a normal, heterosexual man, but good looking.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore really are a couple. No, seriously. And she may or may not be pregnant, and he may or may be an idiot.
Pat Kingsley was the greatest publicist of her day, as she somehow managed to shield the public from Tom Cruise's insanity for 15 years.
Ashlee Simpson has no talent.
Jessica Simpson has some talent, but more importantly, she has large breasts.
Tara Reid is a drunk.
Angelina Jolie is smoking hot and fucking crazy.
R. Kelly likes to relieve himself on underaged girls (still a genius though).
Rosie O'Donnell is fat and homosexual.
Star Jones is fat and married to a homosexual.
Kevin Federline believes he is black so much that he actually has black kids.
Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gylenhaal might be going out, but we're not sure cause we don't give a shit about either of them.
Jennifer Lopez's ass weighs more than her creepy husband.
Lindsay Lohan's dad is nuts.
When Lindsay Lohan had her breast implants and wasn't doing crack, she made my nuts happy. (sorry)
Brittany Murphy is not good looking.
Charlie Sheen enjoys a good hooker.
Gwyneth Paltrow's career was a weird fluke.
The Olsen Twins are the richest crack ho's in the world.
We all hate Mischa Barton. Poor, untalented, Mischa.
Paris Hilton is a dumb whore.
Britney Spears is a dumb, white trash, fat whore.
Brad Pitt is a normal, heterosexual man, but good looking.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore really are a couple. No, seriously. And she may or may not be pregnant, and he may or may be an idiot.
Pat Kingsley was the greatest publicist of her day, as she somehow managed to shield the public from Tom Cruise's insanity for 15 years.
Ashlee Simpson has no talent.
Jessica Simpson has some talent, but more importantly, she has large breasts.
Tara Reid is a drunk.
Angelina Jolie is smoking hot and fucking crazy.
R. Kelly likes to relieve himself on underaged girls (still a genius though).
Rosie O'Donnell is fat and homosexual.
Star Jones is fat and married to a homosexual.
Kevin Federline believes he is black so much that he actually has black kids.
Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gylenhaal might be going out, but we're not sure cause we don't give a shit about either of them.
Jennifer Lopez's ass weighs more than her creepy husband.
Lindsay Lohan's dad is nuts.
When Lindsay Lohan had her breast implants and wasn't doing crack, she made my nuts happy. (sorry)
Brittany Murphy is not good looking.
Charlie Sheen enjoys a good hooker.
Gwyneth Paltrow's career was a weird fluke.
The Olsen Twins are the richest crack ho's in the world.
We all hate Mischa Barton. Poor, untalented, Mischa.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Random News and Notes (sorry this isn't funny)
I'm really pissed about my lack of output here, but lots of stuff is keeping me preoccupied...
Got some good news, some bad news, and some neither good nor bad news today. First, the good. A studio is optioning one of my screenplays and seem generally excited about it. It's always nice to hear that people are into your stuff. It's for no money and probably nothing will happen, but I can't complain.
The bad news is that despite the fact that I have a movie coming out, and that this company is optioning my script, I can't get a feature agent. Keep in mind, I have a TV agent, who works right next to people who are feature agents. I'm offering them free money and they're like "No thanks". It's bizarre. Can't you help me out? Isn't that your job? These agents are keeping the material from the studios. They are the reason movies suck. I had to bypass them to get stuff to the studios, and then the studios like it, and the agents are still like "Well, we think it sucks". Fuck you, you shouldn't matter in the creative equation. Just make the deals, asshole. Okay, I probably now officially sound like a Hollywood dick, but this situation is seriously hurting my career and it seems like there is no reason for it and I don't know what to do about it.
The other news is that this same studio (the one that optioned the script) is trying to change the name of the movie that is coming out on Thanksgiving. It's good because the title sucks, it's bad because word has already spread about the movie (it's in Entertainment Weekly this week) under it's current title. People know the name of the movie now, so they might be thrown off by a different name.
What else?
----I'm tired of 50 year old, fat, white sports reporters. For example, Rafael Palmeiro. When he stood up before Congress and declared that he had "never done steroids, period", everyone (re: 50 year old, fat white sports reporters) was praising him for standing up and emphatically denying that shit. And they crucified Mark McGwire for not doing the same. Well guess what, assholes, Rafy was lying his ass off. And McGwire was doing his best not to lie. So they praise the guy and now that they find out he wasn't telling the truth, they're killing him. Which they should, just don't kill McGwire for not lying too. I'm not defending the guy, and I don't know whether or not he should be in the hall of fame. However, I do think that if Major League Baseball had no rule against using steroids, then his statistics should be treated as perfectly legal. And no one is mentioning the fact that probably 80 percent of these guys are on some form of amphetamines. Almost all of them do it. And guess what? MLB has no rule against players using amphetamines. They don't test for it. So what's the difference? And also, what's the difference between using steroids and getting injected with a cortizone shot? I really don't get it, and no one is talking about it.
Another example, Terrell Owens. Can we please talk about something else? If the owners are allowed to cut a guy whenever they want, then players should be allowed to complain whenever they want. It goes both ways, get over it. By the way, the dude's ass crazy, always has been, always will be, so that's yet another reason to move on.
----I have had the good fortune to hang out with a budding TV star for the last couple of months. And it has been a pretty cool experience seeing him get kinda famous. At the beginning of the show, when we would go out on field shoots not one person would come up to him. Now when we go out, he is hounded for autographs and pictures. God only knows what that does to your brain. I guess exhibit A is Dave Chappelle. His show was about a million times more popular than ours is right now, so it had to be pretty strange what happened over the course of just a couple of months. But I don't care how crazy things get, $50 million dollars is $50 million dollars, stupid.
----I have one more rant about Entourage and single camera sitcoms in me, and I'm just warning you now that it's coming soon, and I'm only doing it because I feel that it must be done.
Speaking of that, my girl was on Entourage again this week, and once again, she looked good. Not as good as she did the week before, but still, pretty smoking hot. Good for her. Now if we could just come up with a good title for the movie...
Got some good news, some bad news, and some neither good nor bad news today. First, the good. A studio is optioning one of my screenplays and seem generally excited about it. It's always nice to hear that people are into your stuff. It's for no money and probably nothing will happen, but I can't complain.
The bad news is that despite the fact that I have a movie coming out, and that this company is optioning my script, I can't get a feature agent. Keep in mind, I have a TV agent, who works right next to people who are feature agents. I'm offering them free money and they're like "No thanks". It's bizarre. Can't you help me out? Isn't that your job? These agents are keeping the material from the studios. They are the reason movies suck. I had to bypass them to get stuff to the studios, and then the studios like it, and the agents are still like "Well, we think it sucks". Fuck you, you shouldn't matter in the creative equation. Just make the deals, asshole. Okay, I probably now officially sound like a Hollywood dick, but this situation is seriously hurting my career and it seems like there is no reason for it and I don't know what to do about it.
The other news is that this same studio (the one that optioned the script) is trying to change the name of the movie that is coming out on Thanksgiving. It's good because the title sucks, it's bad because word has already spread about the movie (it's in Entertainment Weekly this week) under it's current title. People know the name of the movie now, so they might be thrown off by a different name.
What else?
----I'm tired of 50 year old, fat, white sports reporters. For example, Rafael Palmeiro. When he stood up before Congress and declared that he had "never done steroids, period", everyone (re: 50 year old, fat white sports reporters) was praising him for standing up and emphatically denying that shit. And they crucified Mark McGwire for not doing the same. Well guess what, assholes, Rafy was lying his ass off. And McGwire was doing his best not to lie. So they praise the guy and now that they find out he wasn't telling the truth, they're killing him. Which they should, just don't kill McGwire for not lying too. I'm not defending the guy, and I don't know whether or not he should be in the hall of fame. However, I do think that if Major League Baseball had no rule against using steroids, then his statistics should be treated as perfectly legal. And no one is mentioning the fact that probably 80 percent of these guys are on some form of amphetamines. Almost all of them do it. And guess what? MLB has no rule against players using amphetamines. They don't test for it. So what's the difference? And also, what's the difference between using steroids and getting injected with a cortizone shot? I really don't get it, and no one is talking about it.
Another example, Terrell Owens. Can we please talk about something else? If the owners are allowed to cut a guy whenever they want, then players should be allowed to complain whenever they want. It goes both ways, get over it. By the way, the dude's ass crazy, always has been, always will be, so that's yet another reason to move on.
----I have had the good fortune to hang out with a budding TV star for the last couple of months. And it has been a pretty cool experience seeing him get kinda famous. At the beginning of the show, when we would go out on field shoots not one person would come up to him. Now when we go out, he is hounded for autographs and pictures. God only knows what that does to your brain. I guess exhibit A is Dave Chappelle. His show was about a million times more popular than ours is right now, so it had to be pretty strange what happened over the course of just a couple of months. But I don't care how crazy things get, $50 million dollars is $50 million dollars, stupid.
----I have one more rant about Entourage and single camera sitcoms in me, and I'm just warning you now that it's coming soon, and I'm only doing it because I feel that it must be done.
Speaking of that, my girl was on Entourage again this week, and once again, she looked good. Not as good as she did the week before, but still, pretty smoking hot. Good for her. Now if we could just come up with a good title for the movie...
Friday, August 12, 2005
For Roy Jones fans...
This is a must read for anyone who delights in the pontifications of Mr. Roy Jones Jr.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page3/story?page=review/soundcheck/050808
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page3/story?page=review/soundcheck/050808
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Leading Ladies and Random DJ Quik Appearances
Remember when I wrote about the necessity for a leading lady to be, for lack of a better term, fuckable? For those of you who aren't avid readers, you suck, but I'll do a quick recap for you anyway:
I was concerned because the leading lady of the movie I sort of wrote doesn't look too great in the movie. And it sucks because it helps a movie for me when the leading lady is someone I really want to have sex with. True, this seems obvious. But it's actually a little complicated, because it's not as simple as getting someone like Angelina Jolie and sticking her in as the lead. Actress movie star types aren't the chicks from Stuff or Maxim Magazine. They are usually not perfect, they are a little different looking, but have something indefinable that makes them incredibly sexy and "fuckable". I was worried because the girl in my movie was thought to have that, but actually looks terrible in the final product. While the "other" girl in the movie who plays the ex-girlfriend is unbelievably hot. The difference between these two girls makes the plot almost ridiculous, because you're watching and going "No, dude, fuck the other one!"
The reason I bring this up again is because I was watching a TiVO'd Entourage tonight, and who do I see? The leading lady of my movie. And she looks...amazing! I mean, unbelievable, everything I am talking about. Hot, but not too hot, cute but really sexy, she perfectly straddles the line between fine and gettable. Mandy Moore is in the episode with her, and I think Mandy Moore is beautiful, and she blows Mandy Moore out of the water (Aqua Man pun intended)! She is everything she should have been in the movie. It's such a bummer that the people at Entourage knew how to make her up that way and we didn't. We blew it! The casting was right, the hair and wardrobe and the 15 pounds she lost right before filming were wrong. Once again proving my theory: guys do not like super skinny chicks! We like boobs, how many times do I have to say it? Anyway, it was so weird to see her looking so good, after the disappointment of seeing how she looked in the movie. Whatever.
But speaking of Entourage, does anyone not like this show at this point? It's incredible. They did such a good job this season, I can't say enough about it. The cameos are perfect, the storylines great, it's just quality television. We need more shows like this. If I wasn't so busy making crappy TV, I'd try to make good TV like this. Reason number 117 why I like this show: the DJ for Ari's daughter's Bat Mitzvah was DJ Quik. If you don't know how cool that is, I understand. But if you do know how cool that is, I know you are with me when I say: you just don't get any better than that.
I was concerned because the leading lady of the movie I sort of wrote doesn't look too great in the movie. And it sucks because it helps a movie for me when the leading lady is someone I really want to have sex with. True, this seems obvious. But it's actually a little complicated, because it's not as simple as getting someone like Angelina Jolie and sticking her in as the lead. Actress movie star types aren't the chicks from Stuff or Maxim Magazine. They are usually not perfect, they are a little different looking, but have something indefinable that makes them incredibly sexy and "fuckable". I was worried because the girl in my movie was thought to have that, but actually looks terrible in the final product. While the "other" girl in the movie who plays the ex-girlfriend is unbelievably hot. The difference between these two girls makes the plot almost ridiculous, because you're watching and going "No, dude, fuck the other one!"
The reason I bring this up again is because I was watching a TiVO'd Entourage tonight, and who do I see? The leading lady of my movie. And she looks...amazing! I mean, unbelievable, everything I am talking about. Hot, but not too hot, cute but really sexy, she perfectly straddles the line between fine and gettable. Mandy Moore is in the episode with her, and I think Mandy Moore is beautiful, and she blows Mandy Moore out of the water (Aqua Man pun intended)! She is everything she should have been in the movie. It's such a bummer that the people at Entourage knew how to make her up that way and we didn't. We blew it! The casting was right, the hair and wardrobe and the 15 pounds she lost right before filming were wrong. Once again proving my theory: guys do not like super skinny chicks! We like boobs, how many times do I have to say it? Anyway, it was so weird to see her looking so good, after the disappointment of seeing how she looked in the movie. Whatever.
But speaking of Entourage, does anyone not like this show at this point? It's incredible. They did such a good job this season, I can't say enough about it. The cameos are perfect, the storylines great, it's just quality television. We need more shows like this. If I wasn't so busy making crappy TV, I'd try to make good TV like this. Reason number 117 why I like this show: the DJ for Ari's daughter's Bat Mitzvah was DJ Quik. If you don't know how cool that is, I understand. But if you do know how cool that is, I know you are with me when I say: you just don't get any better than that.
Friday, August 05, 2005
White chicks
FADE IN:
INT. TINY APARTMENT - NIGHT
A MAN IN HIS TWENTIES LIES ON A COUCH AND WATCHES TELEVISION.
VOICE OVER
Bored? All alone? Dream of fame and fortune?
HE SITS UP AND LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.
MAN
I’m bored. I’m alone. And I do dream of fame and fortune!
VOICE OVER
That’s great, but what are you going to do about it?
MAN
I don’t know.
VOICE OVER
Of course you don’t.
MAN
Maybe technical college.
VOICE OVER
Those are for retards.
HE NODS.
MAN
I’ve always wanted to be an actor...
VOICE OVER
Acting’s for fags!
HE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISAPPOINTMENT.
VOICE OVER
(excited)
Forget all that stuff, you need to do what more and more degenerates like you are doing to find fame...
HE’S CONFUSED.
MAN
What’s that?
VOICE OVER
Kidnap a white girl!
(beat)
In today’s 24 hours a day, 7 days a week news cycle, they need stuff to fill time. And nothing fills time and guarantees ratings like a missing white girl! Call 1-800-WHITE-GIRL and we’ll do the rest!
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
A HOUSE WIFE WASHES DISHES IN THE SINK.
AMY
I’m a girl and I’m white, pick up the phone and kidnap me now!
1-800-WHITE-GIRL FLASHES ON THE SCREEN THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE COMMERCIAL.
CUT TO:
EXT. TENNIS COURT - DAY
A WHITE WOMAN PLAYS TENNIS.
RACHEL
I’m the only thing standing between you and headlining on “The O’Reilly Factor”.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY
ANOTHER WHITE WOMAN UNLOADS GROCERY BAGS FROM HER SUV’S.
TINA
I’m white, and I’m just asking for it!
BACK TO:
WILL SITS ON HIS COUCH.
MAN
I want to kidnap a white girl, but I don’t know how.
VOICE OVER
Kidnapping a white girl is simple as 1, 2, kidnap.
(beat)
Our girls are all white, all cute, and all really white. Why white? Because America won’t tune in for coloreds!
(beat)
All you have to do is call the number, we give you the white girl, and then we look the other way!
CUT TO:
INT. PRISON CELL - DAY
A MAN IN A PRISON JUMPSUIT GIVES A TESTIMONIAL.
ROB
I called the toll free number and I got my white girl the very next day! It was fast and easy, and they even threw in a complimentary fake goatee!
(beat)
It wasn’t long before I was a two week story on Good Morning America, Today, and everything on MSNBC.
(beat)
Thanks, 1-800-WHITE-GIRL!
BACK TO:
INT. TINY APARTMENT - DAY
WE’RE BACK IN THE TINY APARTMENT WE STARTED AT, BUT NOW SETH SITS ON HIS COUCH WITH ONE OF THE GIRLS FROM THE AD.
MAN
I just called and got my white girl!
(to Amy)
Come on, sweetie, let’s go visit a large body of water!
GRAPHIC UP: 1-800-WHITE-GIRL
VOICE OVER
Try 1-800-WHITE-GIRL, she won’t live for you to regret it!
INT. TINY APARTMENT - NIGHT
A MAN IN HIS TWENTIES LIES ON A COUCH AND WATCHES TELEVISION.
VOICE OVER
Bored? All alone? Dream of fame and fortune?
HE SITS UP AND LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.
MAN
I’m bored. I’m alone. And I do dream of fame and fortune!
VOICE OVER
That’s great, but what are you going to do about it?
MAN
I don’t know.
VOICE OVER
Of course you don’t.
MAN
Maybe technical college.
VOICE OVER
Those are for retards.
HE NODS.
MAN
I’ve always wanted to be an actor...
VOICE OVER
Acting’s for fags!
HE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN DISAPPOINTMENT.
VOICE OVER
(excited)
Forget all that stuff, you need to do what more and more degenerates like you are doing to find fame...
HE’S CONFUSED.
MAN
What’s that?
VOICE OVER
Kidnap a white girl!
(beat)
In today’s 24 hours a day, 7 days a week news cycle, they need stuff to fill time. And nothing fills time and guarantees ratings like a missing white girl! Call 1-800-WHITE-GIRL and we’ll do the rest!
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
A HOUSE WIFE WASHES DISHES IN THE SINK.
AMY
I’m a girl and I’m white, pick up the phone and kidnap me now!
1-800-WHITE-GIRL FLASHES ON THE SCREEN THROUGHOUT THE REST OF THE COMMERCIAL.
CUT TO:
EXT. TENNIS COURT - DAY
A WHITE WOMAN PLAYS TENNIS.
RACHEL
I’m the only thing standing between you and headlining on “The O’Reilly Factor”.
EXT. DRIVEWAY - DAY
ANOTHER WHITE WOMAN UNLOADS GROCERY BAGS FROM HER SUV’S.
TINA
I’m white, and I’m just asking for it!
BACK TO:
WILL SITS ON HIS COUCH.
MAN
I want to kidnap a white girl, but I don’t know how.
VOICE OVER
Kidnapping a white girl is simple as 1, 2, kidnap.
(beat)
Our girls are all white, all cute, and all really white. Why white? Because America won’t tune in for coloreds!
(beat)
All you have to do is call the number, we give you the white girl, and then we look the other way!
CUT TO:
INT. PRISON CELL - DAY
A MAN IN A PRISON JUMPSUIT GIVES A TESTIMONIAL.
ROB
I called the toll free number and I got my white girl the very next day! It was fast and easy, and they even threw in a complimentary fake goatee!
(beat)
It wasn’t long before I was a two week story on Good Morning America, Today, and everything on MSNBC.
(beat)
Thanks, 1-800-WHITE-GIRL!
BACK TO:
INT. TINY APARTMENT - DAY
WE’RE BACK IN THE TINY APARTMENT WE STARTED AT, BUT NOW SETH SITS ON HIS COUCH WITH ONE OF THE GIRLS FROM THE AD.
MAN
I just called and got my white girl!
(to Amy)
Come on, sweetie, let’s go visit a large body of water!
GRAPHIC UP: 1-800-WHITE-GIRL
VOICE OVER
Try 1-800-WHITE-GIRL, she won’t live for you to regret it!
Anchorman
I've talked to many people who didn't like the movie "Anchorman". And when I am asked about it, I always respond "I thought it was really dumb, but I have to say, I laughed my ass off while I watched it." Well, for all of you out there who don't like it, please, please read this article:
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050804
He uses quotes from Anchorman to talk about the NBA. I swear every quote from the movie is freaking hilarious. I just talked to a guy that read it and he said "I don't remember laughing that much when I watched the actual movie". It's weird.
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/050804
He uses quotes from Anchorman to talk about the NBA. I swear every quote from the movie is freaking hilarious. I just talked to a guy that read it and he said "I don't remember laughing that much when I watched the actual movie". It's weird.
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
We did it!
I just want to thank everyone who signed the "Must Hate Dogs" petition. If you haven't heard, the movie completely bombed at the box office, and I can't help but think that we had a huge part in that. I don't like to use my pulpit here with my large readership to alter the fate of major motion pictures, but this was a special case. Thanks again for participating, and screw you, "Must Love Dogs"!
An interesting side note: Since I wrote that petition I discovered that the writer/director of that horribly conceived and titled movie, is none other than Gary David Goldberg. Holy shit! Who is Gary David Goldberg, you ask? He is the creator and writer of my favorite sitcom of all time - "Family Ties". As well as the creator and writer of another a show i like - "Spin City". It's incredibly ironic because my namesake on this website was created by this man who I am now waging a public relations war against! He created me, and now I've destroyed him. Amazing how the world works.
In a related story, DL Hughley's new show is horrible. And I am particularly offended by it because I went to a taping to see Cris Rock, who was a "special guest". He told two good jokes that made me crack up, and when I watched the show on television I discovered that they cut one of the jokes! He only told two good jokes, and they cut one? That means that they don't even have a clue as to what is funny.
Here's what he said - he was talking about how growing up he hated spoiled kids, and now he has children and he's rich so he hates the little spoiled bastards. The first joke, that made it onto the show, was this one: "did your mom ever bitch at your dad so much you almost wanted him to hit her?" And the second one, that inexplicitly got cut, was about how he had it so bad when he was growing up, and his parents were strict, etc. and he said it was so strict that "I wasn't allowed to be 5 until I was 9". I don't know what that really means or anything, but it cracks my shit up everytime i think about it. and they cut it out of the show! and that's when i realized i could never like the show, and the American people seem to agree so far...
An interesting side note: Since I wrote that petition I discovered that the writer/director of that horribly conceived and titled movie, is none other than Gary David Goldberg. Holy shit! Who is Gary David Goldberg, you ask? He is the creator and writer of my favorite sitcom of all time - "Family Ties". As well as the creator and writer of another a show i like - "Spin City". It's incredibly ironic because my namesake on this website was created by this man who I am now waging a public relations war against! He created me, and now I've destroyed him. Amazing how the world works.
In a related story, DL Hughley's new show is horrible. And I am particularly offended by it because I went to a taping to see Cris Rock, who was a "special guest". He told two good jokes that made me crack up, and when I watched the show on television I discovered that they cut one of the jokes! He only told two good jokes, and they cut one? That means that they don't even have a clue as to what is funny.
Here's what he said - he was talking about how growing up he hated spoiled kids, and now he has children and he's rich so he hates the little spoiled bastards. The first joke, that made it onto the show, was this one: "did your mom ever bitch at your dad so much you almost wanted him to hit her?" And the second one, that inexplicitly got cut, was about how he had it so bad when he was growing up, and his parents were strict, etc. and he said it was so strict that "I wasn't allowed to be 5 until I was 9". I don't know what that really means or anything, but it cracks my shit up everytime i think about it. and they cut it out of the show! and that's when i realized i could never like the show, and the American people seem to agree so far...
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