EXT. SANDY AND KIRSTEN COHEN'S NEWPORT BEACH HOME - ESTABLISHING
The Cohen's palatial home overlooks the Pacific Ocean. The sky is blue, the sun is shining, another perfect day in California.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
The entire cast of the O.C. sits around the living room. I'm talking everyone - Jimmy Cooper, Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Nichol-Cooper, their daughters Marissa and the other one, Luke is there, of course Sandy, Kirsten, Seth, and Ryan, Ryan's brother Trey, Summer, Theresa, Theresa and Ryan's bastard child, that blonde lesbian girl, Oliver - yes, Oliver is there too, the evil Dean, the evil perky event planner girl, that red-head who Ryan liked, a bearded Billy Campbell, a puffy Kim Delaney, Hailey, Anna (remember her?), Zach, and Josh Schwartz, the show's creator.
A DETECTIVE stands in the middle of them all.
SANDY COHEN
What's this all about Detective? Is something wrong? I'm a lawyer, you can tell me and I'll handle it.
DETECTIVE
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Ryan comes over and punches the Detective in the face.
DETECTIVE
What was that for?
RYAN
Sorry, I just always do that.
KIRSTEN
What's the news, Detective? Do you wanna shot from my flask?
DETECTIVE
No, Kirsten. That's the thing, your drinking, Jimmy's loan shark ties, Marissa's fake lesbianity, it's your show, the O.C. It's dead.
Everyone gasps.
DETECTIVE
It's as dead as Caleb in that pool. And that's why I'm here, to find out who killed it.
Everyone in the cast immediately points to Josh Schwartz, who is red faced in the corner.
DETECTIVE
Look, obviously it's Josh Schartz's fault, no one is disputing that. He sucks. A lot. I personally hate him and can barely stand to be in the same room as him. Douchebag. But it's easy to blame him, what we really need to find out is which of Josh's creations is actually responsible for this mess.
The cast stops pointing at Schwartz and immediately point their fingers at Oliver.
DETECTIVE
Yes, Oliver. He was definitely the first sign that something was amiss. Oliver, what do you have to say for yourself?
OLIVER
Look, that was a season and a half ago. We were young, we were innocent, we had hope that Mischa could actually learn how to act. It was a confusing time.
DETECTIVE
Good point.
OLIVER
And I was quickly rid of and never mentioned again, so you gotta give me props for that.
DETECTIVE
Okay. Before we proceed I'd just like to clear the air and say Sandy, Seth, Summer, and Julie, you are all excused as the only good characters on the show.
Seth starts to say something.
DETECTIVE
But stop the fucking mumbling, you're not as funny as you think and Death Cab for Cutie sucks dick.
Seth shuts up.
DETECTIVE
Ryan, what about you?
RYAN
I don't know, I think I'm pretty likeable. The ladies seem to enjoy my wife beaters, and when even Josh sees that the show is sucking he turns to me to punch someone in the face. And I don't think I should be blamed for having to share scenes with Mischa.
DETECTIVE
True. But what about this Theresa business?
RYAN
While I admit that me impregnating Theresa and then her obviously lying about having a miscarriage and then me celebrating and never talking to her was horrific, I was only half of that equation and not nearly as embarrassing as the Oliver situation.
DETECTIVE
Kirsten, anything to say for yourself?
KIRSTEN
Yes, I only started sucking recently, and by that time the show was already on it's death bed. My instant alcohol addiction was a sign to the audience that they should get drunk rather than watch the show.
DETECTIVE
Speaking of alcohoics, what about you, puffy Kim Delaney? You were supposed to be a temptress for Sandy? What insane world does that happen in? Have you looked at yourself lately? Stop hitting happy hour and then getting behind the wheel, you're not 18 and on All My Children anymore.
KIM
I can't help it if I'm horrible to look at, Schwartz cast me and I needed the cash - Fat Tuesday was coming up. So was Wednesday and Thursday and Friday...
DETECTIVE
You all have well rehearsed alibis I see. But I've just begun to scratch the surface.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Friday, September 30, 2005
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Puffy Kingsley
Because of recent Tom Cruise events, it is generally acknowledged that Pat Kingsley must be the best publicist in the business. I mean, it is damn impressive that she made Tom appear not insane for all those years. And as he does crazier and crazier shit, her accomplishments become more and more incredible.
But let me nominate another publicist that could challenge her for the thrown: Sean "Puff Daddy P. Diddy Just Diddy" Combs. He is averaging approximately 5 Biggie Smalls tributes a year. If you missed the "Hip Hop Honors" on VH1, then shame on you. Sure, you'll turn over there for Breaking Bonaduce but Salt N' Pepa reunite and your missing that? Come on, people, that's good stuff. Anyway, Diddy was there, so by law he did his Biggie tribute, which was not unlike the one he did at the VMA's (video music awards), the BET's (Black Entertainment Awards), the CMA's (country music awards), or the BSTA's (biggie small's tribute awards).
Every year, the legend of Notorious B.I.G. gets bigger because of this guy, and we almost forget that dude only had 2 freaking albums. Now I don't want to diss Big, I like him as much as the next guy. He had some great songs: Juicy, Going Back to Cali, One More Chance, Hypnotize, just to name a few. But I just hope that when Snoop dies of natural causes, or of bad weed, or of bad Suge Knight, I hope we hold him up in the same way that Biggie is being held up right now. Snoop can't help it that he lived to suck. I'm sure if Biggie had a couple more years he would've made an album like "Doggfather" too.
If you give anybody long enough, they will eventually suck and tarnish their image. But you have a real advantage when you die. Then people just remember the good stuff. And I would argue that though Biggie had good stuff, he did it all with Puffy producing in his prime, and he did it on two freaking albums! Ashlee Simpson looks good after 2 albums. I can't believe I just said that, I assure you that I have just punched myself in the face.
Think if Eddie Murphy died after "Delirious" and "Beverly Hills Cop". He would be comedy Jesus. But no, he had the unfortunate experience of living and making Nutty Professor, Daddy Day Care, Transvestite Hooker, and Affair with Johnny Gill.
It's very difficult to maintain your shit once you blow up. The good art comes from hunger, and once you make Beverly Hills Cop it's hard to be as hungry as you were when you were telling Shit jokes at the local Chuckle Hut. Unfortunately, Dave Chappelle suffered this same fate recently. If we could've just had Suge shoot him right after season 2 of his show, he'd be a legend. Now he'll go down in history as the dude who threw away $50 million to headline comedy tours with Dennis Miller and George Lopez.
All I'm saying is that it's nice that Ddy (his new nickname) wants to honor his friend all of the time, but it pisses me off when the general public loses sight of how it really went down. So I have a solution: Pat Kingsley needs to take the 2pac account! She needs to be his Puffy! I want to see Kingsley with Sting on the next VMA's dancing around singing "Missing You". Even though she's a 50 year old white lady, I guarantee you she can sing and dance better than Puff. Only then will it be fair.
But let me nominate another publicist that could challenge her for the thrown: Sean "Puff Daddy P. Diddy Just Diddy" Combs. He is averaging approximately 5 Biggie Smalls tributes a year. If you missed the "Hip Hop Honors" on VH1, then shame on you. Sure, you'll turn over there for Breaking Bonaduce but Salt N' Pepa reunite and your missing that? Come on, people, that's good stuff. Anyway, Diddy was there, so by law he did his Biggie tribute, which was not unlike the one he did at the VMA's (video music awards), the BET's (Black Entertainment Awards), the CMA's (country music awards), or the BSTA's (biggie small's tribute awards).
Every year, the legend of Notorious B.I.G. gets bigger because of this guy, and we almost forget that dude only had 2 freaking albums. Now I don't want to diss Big, I like him as much as the next guy. He had some great songs: Juicy, Going Back to Cali, One More Chance, Hypnotize, just to name a few. But I just hope that when Snoop dies of natural causes, or of bad weed, or of bad Suge Knight, I hope we hold him up in the same way that Biggie is being held up right now. Snoop can't help it that he lived to suck. I'm sure if Biggie had a couple more years he would've made an album like "Doggfather" too.
If you give anybody long enough, they will eventually suck and tarnish their image. But you have a real advantage when you die. Then people just remember the good stuff. And I would argue that though Biggie had good stuff, he did it all with Puffy producing in his prime, and he did it on two freaking albums! Ashlee Simpson looks good after 2 albums. I can't believe I just said that, I assure you that I have just punched myself in the face.
Think if Eddie Murphy died after "Delirious" and "Beverly Hills Cop". He would be comedy Jesus. But no, he had the unfortunate experience of living and making Nutty Professor, Daddy Day Care, Transvestite Hooker, and Affair with Johnny Gill.
It's very difficult to maintain your shit once you blow up. The good art comes from hunger, and once you make Beverly Hills Cop it's hard to be as hungry as you were when you were telling Shit jokes at the local Chuckle Hut. Unfortunately, Dave Chappelle suffered this same fate recently. If we could've just had Suge shoot him right after season 2 of his show, he'd be a legend. Now he'll go down in history as the dude who threw away $50 million to headline comedy tours with Dennis Miller and George Lopez.
All I'm saying is that it's nice that Ddy (his new nickname) wants to honor his friend all of the time, but it pisses me off when the general public loses sight of how it really went down. So I have a solution: Pat Kingsley needs to take the 2pac account! She needs to be his Puffy! I want to see Kingsley with Sting on the next VMA's dancing around singing "Missing You". Even though she's a 50 year old white lady, I guarantee you she can sing and dance better than Puff. Only then will it be fair.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Things I Learned at the "Comedy Fiesta"
I am half-jewish and half-catholic, which basically means I am nothing. I am neutral. I am Switzerland. I grew up in a wealthy northern california suburb filled with white people and some asian people. I can only remember one black kid in my high school, his name was Eric Brown (seriously, that was his name). There might have been more black people, but I honestly can't remember any. I do not recall any kids from latin descent, though I'm sure there were some. I believe we had some Indians as well, but no Native American Indians. As Chris Rock has said, it's easier to find a polar bear than a Native American, so I don't blame my suburb for that. I blame Christopher Columbus and the invention of gun powder.
I spent a large majority of my youth either playing sports or watching television. Two things I never did as a youth were my homework or think about race. To me, black people were the ones who made the music I loved, played the sports I idolized, and performed the comedy that made me laugh. Mexicans were in Mexico. And Asians, well let's be honest, they were the girls I wanted to have sex with. That was the extent of it.
I never heard the term "beaner" or "wetback" until I was a freshman in college, where my roommate and best friend was, I think a beaner, though not a wetback. And now moving to Los Angeles, I have found that these things are a big deal. Though I have found that white people, black people, hispanics, and asians all have a lot of dumb assholes amongst them, it is apparently still important to make a distinction between these assholes, because they're assholey in different ways that are, people tell me, hilarious.
That being said, I now write comedy about race. It's a new world for me. I'd much rather write jokes about Britney Spears or the Lakers (in the Kobe anal rape genre), but fate has led me to the American legacy of race classification.
Well, last night I went to the "Comedy Fiesta" in Orange County. I went because several of my friends were performing in it. It is interesting to note that only one comedian was white, so this was primarily a mexican/asian/black event. It was a perfect venue for a race comedy 101 of sorts for this simple white boy from the suburbs. Here is what I learned:
The success of minority children over white children stems from the fact that their parents beat them severely. And this, is a great thing.
Black men have large members (12 inches minimum).
Asians have difficulty operating a motor vehicle.
Asians have small members.
The success or failure of all marriages hinges on the wife's dutifulness in performing fellatio.
While engaging in sexual activities, all men query their partner with: "Who's pussy is this?" All women answer with a lie.
Tracy Morgan isn't funny (Actually, I didn't learn this, it was just knowledge confirmed)
Mexicans steal.
Minorities love racism, it's only white people who are all sensitive about it.
"Fags" are funny. So are fat people. But there's only one thing worse than being fat, and that's being a "fag".
Every male hispanic has a friend named Martin (pronounced: Mar-Teen). It is unclear whether this is the same man, or many different men named Martin.
All women in Orange County actually do look like Mischa Barton. If Mischa Barton was Mexican, had a pot belly, teased out hair, bad acne, and was once hit in the face with a shovel.
Performing a bowel movement is not a flattering pose, unless you are in prison, where it is an open invitation for anal sex.
"Special" kids do not attend classes with the other children, and ride something called a "short bus". The mere mention of this "short bus" will be greeted with riotous laughter.
Arabs blow stuff up.
Black men don't work and always carry a gun. Mexicans always work and usually carry a knife. Asians work and screw up the grading curve.
White men talk like Spicoli from the film "Fast Times", while white women talk like the women of the film "Valley Girl" (apparently minorities have not watched a movie featuring white women since 1983).
I spent a large majority of my youth either playing sports or watching television. Two things I never did as a youth were my homework or think about race. To me, black people were the ones who made the music I loved, played the sports I idolized, and performed the comedy that made me laugh. Mexicans were in Mexico. And Asians, well let's be honest, they were the girls I wanted to have sex with. That was the extent of it.
I never heard the term "beaner" or "wetback" until I was a freshman in college, where my roommate and best friend was, I think a beaner, though not a wetback. And now moving to Los Angeles, I have found that these things are a big deal. Though I have found that white people, black people, hispanics, and asians all have a lot of dumb assholes amongst them, it is apparently still important to make a distinction between these assholes, because they're assholey in different ways that are, people tell me, hilarious.
That being said, I now write comedy about race. It's a new world for me. I'd much rather write jokes about Britney Spears or the Lakers (in the Kobe anal rape genre), but fate has led me to the American legacy of race classification.
Well, last night I went to the "Comedy Fiesta" in Orange County. I went because several of my friends were performing in it. It is interesting to note that only one comedian was white, so this was primarily a mexican/asian/black event. It was a perfect venue for a race comedy 101 of sorts for this simple white boy from the suburbs. Here is what I learned:
The success of minority children over white children stems from the fact that their parents beat them severely. And this, is a great thing.
Black men have large members (12 inches minimum).
Asians have difficulty operating a motor vehicle.
Asians have small members.
The success or failure of all marriages hinges on the wife's dutifulness in performing fellatio.
While engaging in sexual activities, all men query their partner with: "Who's pussy is this?" All women answer with a lie.
Tracy Morgan isn't funny (Actually, I didn't learn this, it was just knowledge confirmed)
Mexicans steal.
Minorities love racism, it's only white people who are all sensitive about it.
"Fags" are funny. So are fat people. But there's only one thing worse than being fat, and that's being a "fag".
Every male hispanic has a friend named Martin (pronounced: Mar-Teen). It is unclear whether this is the same man, or many different men named Martin.
All women in Orange County actually do look like Mischa Barton. If Mischa Barton was Mexican, had a pot belly, teased out hair, bad acne, and was once hit in the face with a shovel.
Performing a bowel movement is not a flattering pose, unless you are in prison, where it is an open invitation for anal sex.
"Special" kids do not attend classes with the other children, and ride something called a "short bus". The mere mention of this "short bus" will be greeted with riotous laughter.
Arabs blow stuff up.
Black men don't work and always carry a gun. Mexicans always work and usually carry a knife. Asians work and screw up the grading curve.
White men talk like Spicoli from the film "Fast Times", while white women talk like the women of the film "Valley Girl" (apparently minorities have not watched a movie featuring white women since 1983).
Friday, September 23, 2005
The Bottom Line
If you're anything like me, you think People Magazine is something akin to the anti-Christ. With it's fascination with "royalty" and women who overcome diseases like stomach stapling, it's a despicable form of mass puff-piecery. It's interesting how their "star tracks" have been ripped off and spun into 3 different, better magazines (US Weekly, In Touch, Star). Shouldn't the people who write People get the message: shut the hell up and just show us pictures!
But anyway, People magazine used to have something that I immensely enjoyed. For some reason, they actually have the nerve to review other forms of media. This is like Hitler trying to figure out who's been naughty and who's been nice. They write a couple of inane paragraphs about movies/tv/music/books, and it's pretty harmless in that they don't know what they're talking about and I don't think anyone takes it that seriously. But they used to end it with something called "The Bottom Line". The Bottom Line was at the bottom of a film review, in bold, and quite satanically summed up a multi-million dollar piece of entertainment with an oh-so-clever play on words from the movie's title. For example:
The Reese Witherspoon vehicle "Just Like Heaven" would most likely have the bottom line: Just Heavenly!
Oh yeah, that's another thing, the bottom line would usually end with an exclamation point, in case you weren't noticing how hard the writer's were working on these things. I was always convinced that that was the only part of the review the readership of People ever looked at. And quite obviously, this disturbed me. But it also strangely delighted me. Much like a car crash or VH1, I couldn't help but check out the Bottom Line. And me and my sister would make a game out of trying to figure out what the bottom line for a new movie would be. Well, since The Bottom Line seems to be dead, I thought I would honor it's memory by doing some of my own:
In theaters:
"March of the Penquins" = A Triumphant March!
"An Unfinished Life" = An Unfinished Movie!
"Corpse Bride" = Dead on Arrival!
"Lord of War" = War! What is it good for?
"Wedding Crashers" = Crash this Wedding!
"40 Year Old Virgin" = Pop Your Cherry!
"The Man" = The I can't believe they produce this crap-what the hell could they possibly have been thinking, man!
On DVD:
"Look Who's Talking" = Look Who's Fat Now!
"Pearl Harbor" = Pearl Horrible!
"Forrest Gump" = It's retarded! In a good way.
"Cocktail" = A Tail of Gay Cock!
"The Other Sister" = The Other Retard Movie!
"You've Got Mail" - Sleepless in Seattle!
"Crossroads" = Britney Spears is a fat whore!
"Selena" = Selena's ass is huge!
"Lost in Translation" = Lost in menstruation!
But anyway, People magazine used to have something that I immensely enjoyed. For some reason, they actually have the nerve to review other forms of media. This is like Hitler trying to figure out who's been naughty and who's been nice. They write a couple of inane paragraphs about movies/tv/music/books, and it's pretty harmless in that they don't know what they're talking about and I don't think anyone takes it that seriously. But they used to end it with something called "The Bottom Line". The Bottom Line was at the bottom of a film review, in bold, and quite satanically summed up a multi-million dollar piece of entertainment with an oh-so-clever play on words from the movie's title. For example:
The Reese Witherspoon vehicle "Just Like Heaven" would most likely have the bottom line: Just Heavenly!
Oh yeah, that's another thing, the bottom line would usually end with an exclamation point, in case you weren't noticing how hard the writer's were working on these things. I was always convinced that that was the only part of the review the readership of People ever looked at. And quite obviously, this disturbed me. But it also strangely delighted me. Much like a car crash or VH1, I couldn't help but check out the Bottom Line. And me and my sister would make a game out of trying to figure out what the bottom line for a new movie would be. Well, since The Bottom Line seems to be dead, I thought I would honor it's memory by doing some of my own:
In theaters:
"March of the Penquins" = A Triumphant March!
"An Unfinished Life" = An Unfinished Movie!
"Corpse Bride" = Dead on Arrival!
"Lord of War" = War! What is it good for?
"Wedding Crashers" = Crash this Wedding!
"40 Year Old Virgin" = Pop Your Cherry!
"The Man" = The I can't believe they produce this crap-what the hell could they possibly have been thinking, man!
On DVD:
"Look Who's Talking" = Look Who's Fat Now!
"Pearl Harbor" = Pearl Horrible!
"Forrest Gump" = It's retarded! In a good way.
"Cocktail" = A Tail of Gay Cock!
"The Other Sister" = The Other Retard Movie!
"You've Got Mail" - Sleepless in Seattle!
"Crossroads" = Britney Spears is a fat whore!
"Selena" = Selena's ass is huge!
"Lost in Translation" = Lost in menstruation!
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Berry Lime Sublime
First of all, how great is "Lost"? Just amazing. Who would've guessed that American Psycho's Patrick Bateman would be living in the hatch? I really don't see anyway that they are going to resolve any of this stuff and have it make sense, but the ride is great. It's kind of like every M. Knight Shyamalan movie since "The Sixth Sense", where I'm intensely interested the entire time even though what it's building to is a total let down. At least the first hour and a half was full of cool anticipation. The writing on this show though is truly great. And more Julie Bowen please!
"My Name is Earl" premiered the other night, and it was perfect. No, not a perfect show, a perfect example for me to go off on my "Scrubs/Arrested Development" problems with sitcom. And also a great contrast to "How I Met Your Mother".
Now, I may be beating a dead horse with this stuff, but fuck it, I'm unemployed, I've got nothing but time on my hands to beat dead horses.
So this Earl show was really, really funny. I can see why my friends loved that pilot script so much. There were a lot of good lines, lots of funny stuff. Unfortunately, all of this funny stuff fell into the "zany" land that "Scrubs" and "Arrested Development" live in. It's a fucking cartoon. And as I've always said, cartoons are easy! You can do anything. You don't have to pay any attention to characters or reality. Just draw it, and it will come. The best example of this is something I've mentioned before, but now it's being used so often that we need to give it a name. It's the "joke" where someone goes:
character a: "I won't let you down."
character b: "That's what you said last time."
CUT TO: Character A letting Character B down in a humorous way.
Holy shit, fuck that joke. It's done. It's easy and it's lazy and it's fake comedy. It's like when I have Jamba Juice, it tastes good going down (funny) and actually has a lot of calories (takes time to watch it), but 10 minutes after I'm done with it I'm suddenly STARVING again. It's like it never happened. It was easy to get, just $3.85 and seemed to be delicious and fulfilling, but really it was a big fucking lie to my stomach. So that settles it, from now on we're calling that kind of joke the "Berry Lime Sublime" (the Jamba Juice I always order).
When you do these jokes, these Berry Lime Sublimes, you are announcing to us, the viewer, that you can and will do anything for a laugh - at the expense of characters and reality. Thus, we as viewers have nothing invested, because there is no reality in this world. Only setups for punchlines. It's like they concocted a half hour of entertainment in a lab using synthetic chemicals and showed it to us. There's nothing natural or real about it. And I admit that "Arrested" and "Scrubs" and "Earl" is funny, but I hate that everything has to be hilarious bullshit. I want to be invested in these people and this world. And right now, I'm invested in "How I Met Your Mother". True, they did an occasional Berry Lime, but they also risked not being funny for one fucking second to have a human moment. I hope that continues.
"My Name is Earl" premiered the other night, and it was perfect. No, not a perfect show, a perfect example for me to go off on my "Scrubs/Arrested Development" problems with sitcom. And also a great contrast to "How I Met Your Mother".
Now, I may be beating a dead horse with this stuff, but fuck it, I'm unemployed, I've got nothing but time on my hands to beat dead horses.
So this Earl show was really, really funny. I can see why my friends loved that pilot script so much. There were a lot of good lines, lots of funny stuff. Unfortunately, all of this funny stuff fell into the "zany" land that "Scrubs" and "Arrested Development" live in. It's a fucking cartoon. And as I've always said, cartoons are easy! You can do anything. You don't have to pay any attention to characters or reality. Just draw it, and it will come. The best example of this is something I've mentioned before, but now it's being used so often that we need to give it a name. It's the "joke" where someone goes:
character a: "I won't let you down."
character b: "That's what you said last time."
CUT TO: Character A letting Character B down in a humorous way.
Holy shit, fuck that joke. It's done. It's easy and it's lazy and it's fake comedy. It's like when I have Jamba Juice, it tastes good going down (funny) and actually has a lot of calories (takes time to watch it), but 10 minutes after I'm done with it I'm suddenly STARVING again. It's like it never happened. It was easy to get, just $3.85 and seemed to be delicious and fulfilling, but really it was a big fucking lie to my stomach. So that settles it, from now on we're calling that kind of joke the "Berry Lime Sublime" (the Jamba Juice I always order).
When you do these jokes, these Berry Lime Sublimes, you are announcing to us, the viewer, that you can and will do anything for a laugh - at the expense of characters and reality. Thus, we as viewers have nothing invested, because there is no reality in this world. Only setups for punchlines. It's like they concocted a half hour of entertainment in a lab using synthetic chemicals and showed it to us. There's nothing natural or real about it. And I admit that "Arrested" and "Scrubs" and "Earl" is funny, but I hate that everything has to be hilarious bullshit. I want to be invested in these people and this world. And right now, I'm invested in "How I Met Your Mother". True, they did an occasional Berry Lime, but they also risked not being funny for one fucking second to have a human moment. I hope that continues.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
My "Idea Page"
My idea page is the place where I write down any ideas I have. I know, it's a crazy title for a page but I named it that early on and it stuck. It's not specific to film or TV or anything, it's just if I think of something funny or interesting or weird that might be something, even a small something, I write it down. Some ideas on the page are long, many are short. Some are just plain weird and horrible and barely make sense, for example:
"I'm black, I can't rap, and I'm not good at sports"
Isn't this a great title for a movie? Who would not read the script for this? Maybe if we made it like school ties, but instead of a jewish quarterback, they bring in a black basketball player but it's a case of mistaken identity or something, cause he sucks.
Oh, and for some reason I refer to myself as "we" when I write these things down. This might be the first symptom of schizophrenia but I'm too afraid to look it up.
The thing about a lot of these ideas is that I get really excited when I write them down, but then 24 hours later I realize that I am an idiot. It's funny because I often right: "isn't this a great title/idea?". Who the hell am I talking to? I frighten myself.
I've written screenplays off of one line on there, and I've written absolutely nothing off of a long ass paragraph. Everytime I look through there are things on there that I'm embarrassed I ever wrote down, and then there are a bunch of things I wish I would write but for some reason I never do.
Well, 6 months ago I wrote down an idea I had. And I got really excited about it. And the excitement didn't dissipate after the 24 hours. And I wrote a lot about the idea, not just a word or a phrase about it. I knew that I had something. As a matter of fact, I wrote in this very blog to all of you that I had a brilliant idea that I had to write. Here's what I wrote on my idea page:
"genius sitcom idea"
this sitcom idea combines many things i want to do. it's about a guy and a girl who are married, but it takes place much earlier, before they've ever met. but as the audience, we know that many years from when we are watching they will end up together. so it's kind of like two sitcoms in one, because we see his life and we see her life and the two don't really intersect. however, they do have at least one (and maybe more) common friend who crosses over into both worlds. their stories kind of parrallel each other, but in that guy/girl contrasting way that i want to explore. in other words, he goes to a bar and tries to hit on chicks. in the same episode, she goes to a bar and dudes keep hitting on her. so we see it from both sides and how it sucks for both - and this example is also the perfect example of what i want to do overall with the show. in other words, the difference between being a single guy and a single girl out in the world. we have fun with near misses, and bad relationships and maybe slight interactions between our two main characters. the pitch would be, it's like ross and rachel but if we knew they were going to end up together at the first episode of friends and they weren't friends. unfortunately, i think this would have to be single camera just because of the nature of it. i would like to do three cam with it, but i don't know how that would work. obviously i have to come up with the characters and the jobs, etc., but if i can figure out a way to do three cam i would. also, the thing about this show is that timing is everything, and it's not only who you meet, it's when you meet them. so these people maybe aren't perfect for each other yet, they're not at the place of their life where their ready to be each other's perfect mate - that should come across somehow. we might want to look up some similar ideas, i think someone has an idea where people jump around in their lives (it's a movie), or maybe i'm thinking of that one where the guy that has the remote control that allows him to move forward and backward in his life. What am I talking about? the pitch for this is "when harry met sally" meets "friends". it is harry/sally, except for in this show we show what happens to the characters in those "in between years”.
If this sounds really familiar, and like a "genius" idea, it's because it's now on CBS called "How I Met Your Mother". And no, it's not me who is writing it.
This happens a lot. You write ideas down, and then shortly thereafter you see that someone else is doing it. This one is particularly painful, because I really liked it and was excited about doing it. But some other dudes got to it first.
There is a silver lining in this: they've done a job with it. I watched the pilot last night and really, really enjoyed it. But I knew what the twist ending was going to be right away because this is MY FUCKING IDEA! It's bizarre. They also did it as a 3 camera sitcom, but in such a way that you don't notice it that much. It's very similar to Seinfeld in which they use lots of different locations and it's very quick and moves around a lot.
What I liked most about the pilot though was the style of the writing. They avoid typical setup punchline shit, and instead just do funny, clever, unique dialogue. It's kinda like Friends when it first started, in that it has it's own language. The sitcom "Committed" from last year did this as well, unfortunately it had the worst cast in television history. This cast is pretty good, I especially like Jason Segel who was my favorite guy from the overrated "Freaks and Geeks".
There's a runner of "suit up" that's very good, and just not conventional sit-com'y garbage. And by conventional I mean any sitcom with a fat guy/hot wife format. What's most surprising about this is that the network let this slide. You see, these hacks who call themselves executives look at these scripts and typically go: "Where are the jokes?!?". And then you have to load the thing up with crappy, hacky, over the top punchlines. But I think this script moved so well that it got past them. There's no way this would've happened at NBC right now.
Anyway, even though they totally stole my idea I really like the show and highly recommend it. However, the pilot episode can be a lot different from show 2, so we'll see if they can keep it up.
I LIKE COMMENTS, PLEASE LEAVE SOME IF YOU HAVE STUFF TO ADD!!!
"I'm black, I can't rap, and I'm not good at sports"
Isn't this a great title for a movie? Who would not read the script for this? Maybe if we made it like school ties, but instead of a jewish quarterback, they bring in a black basketball player but it's a case of mistaken identity or something, cause he sucks.
Oh, and for some reason I refer to myself as "we" when I write these things down. This might be the first symptom of schizophrenia but I'm too afraid to look it up.
The thing about a lot of these ideas is that I get really excited when I write them down, but then 24 hours later I realize that I am an idiot. It's funny because I often right: "isn't this a great title/idea?". Who the hell am I talking to? I frighten myself.
I've written screenplays off of one line on there, and I've written absolutely nothing off of a long ass paragraph. Everytime I look through there are things on there that I'm embarrassed I ever wrote down, and then there are a bunch of things I wish I would write but for some reason I never do.
Well, 6 months ago I wrote down an idea I had. And I got really excited about it. And the excitement didn't dissipate after the 24 hours. And I wrote a lot about the idea, not just a word or a phrase about it. I knew that I had something. As a matter of fact, I wrote in this very blog to all of you that I had a brilliant idea that I had to write. Here's what I wrote on my idea page:
"genius sitcom idea"
this sitcom idea combines many things i want to do. it's about a guy and a girl who are married, but it takes place much earlier, before they've ever met. but as the audience, we know that many years from when we are watching they will end up together. so it's kind of like two sitcoms in one, because we see his life and we see her life and the two don't really intersect. however, they do have at least one (and maybe more) common friend who crosses over into both worlds. their stories kind of parrallel each other, but in that guy/girl contrasting way that i want to explore. in other words, he goes to a bar and tries to hit on chicks. in the same episode, she goes to a bar and dudes keep hitting on her. so we see it from both sides and how it sucks for both - and this example is also the perfect example of what i want to do overall with the show. in other words, the difference between being a single guy and a single girl out in the world. we have fun with near misses, and bad relationships and maybe slight interactions between our two main characters. the pitch would be, it's like ross and rachel but if we knew they were going to end up together at the first episode of friends and they weren't friends. unfortunately, i think this would have to be single camera just because of the nature of it. i would like to do three cam with it, but i don't know how that would work. obviously i have to come up with the characters and the jobs, etc., but if i can figure out a way to do three cam i would. also, the thing about this show is that timing is everything, and it's not only who you meet, it's when you meet them. so these people maybe aren't perfect for each other yet, they're not at the place of their life where their ready to be each other's perfect mate - that should come across somehow. we might want to look up some similar ideas, i think someone has an idea where people jump around in their lives (it's a movie), or maybe i'm thinking of that one where the guy that has the remote control that allows him to move forward and backward in his life. What am I talking about? the pitch for this is "when harry met sally" meets "friends". it is harry/sally, except for in this show we show what happens to the characters in those "in between years”.
If this sounds really familiar, and like a "genius" idea, it's because it's now on CBS called "How I Met Your Mother". And no, it's not me who is writing it.
This happens a lot. You write ideas down, and then shortly thereafter you see that someone else is doing it. This one is particularly painful, because I really liked it and was excited about doing it. But some other dudes got to it first.
There is a silver lining in this: they've done a job with it. I watched the pilot last night and really, really enjoyed it. But I knew what the twist ending was going to be right away because this is MY FUCKING IDEA! It's bizarre. They also did it as a 3 camera sitcom, but in such a way that you don't notice it that much. It's very similar to Seinfeld in which they use lots of different locations and it's very quick and moves around a lot.
What I liked most about the pilot though was the style of the writing. They avoid typical setup punchline shit, and instead just do funny, clever, unique dialogue. It's kinda like Friends when it first started, in that it has it's own language. The sitcom "Committed" from last year did this as well, unfortunately it had the worst cast in television history. This cast is pretty good, I especially like Jason Segel who was my favorite guy from the overrated "Freaks and Geeks".
There's a runner of "suit up" that's very good, and just not conventional sit-com'y garbage. And by conventional I mean any sitcom with a fat guy/hot wife format. What's most surprising about this is that the network let this slide. You see, these hacks who call themselves executives look at these scripts and typically go: "Where are the jokes?!?". And then you have to load the thing up with crappy, hacky, over the top punchlines. But I think this script moved so well that it got past them. There's no way this would've happened at NBC right now.
Anyway, even though they totally stole my idea I really like the show and highly recommend it. However, the pilot episode can be a lot different from show 2, so we'll see if they can keep it up.
I LIKE COMMENTS, PLEASE LEAVE SOME IF YOU HAVE STUFF TO ADD!!!
Monday, September 19, 2005
Demolition Man = Nostradamos
I am once again unemployed. It's a weird feeling to go from working a million hours a week to not working at all. It's even weirder to note that "Dawson's Creek" on TBS is in exactly the same season it was when I started the job. It's as if nothing has changed. But now that I'm not working, I have time to write observations like this:
I watched "Demolition Man" last night. I've always been a fan of this movie, and it might be the last good film that Sylvester Stallone or Wesley Snipes has done. Sad, but true. It's kind of strange in that it has some remarkably good stuff in it, and some remarkably awful stuff too. It's one of those action movies they used to make where they try to make the lines between the good guy and the bad guy hilarious (sorta like Die Hard). And there are some great quotes in this movie, there are also some uncomfortable ones.
Anyway, for those of you who aren't big fans of Wesley Snipes: the karate years - here is a brief description of the movie: Sylvester Stallone goes into South Central to arrest bad guy Wesley and ends up killing a bunch of hostages. The new form of prison is to cryogenically freeze people and rehabillitate them while they are frozen. Sly and Wesley get frozen, and then Wesley busts out 30 years later and the cops thaw out Sly to arrest him.
Pretty standard stuff. But here's where it gets weird:
First of all, they go to a museum (in the year 2030) and there is an Arnold Schwarzenegger Library, and Sandra Bullock explains that, based on the sheer popularity of his movies, a Constitutional amendment was passed in order for Schwarzenegger to run for president, which, according to Huxley, he did. This obviously is supposed to be a joke, but I guess the joke is on us now.
But secondly, and this is the one I noticed last night, when Wesley breaks out of prison, Sandra Bullock goes on a computer to see who had probation appointments in the morning to figure out which prisoner has broken out. Three names come up: Wesley's character's name, another name, and a third name: Scott Peterson.
Demolition Man: Mediocre action movie of the '90's, or mediocre future predicting, fortune teller of the '90's.
And I'm just warning you right now, that in the movie, a 9.0 earthquake hits southern california and kills millions and the entire west coast becomes "San Angeles". Beware the power of Demolition Man.
I watched "Demolition Man" last night. I've always been a fan of this movie, and it might be the last good film that Sylvester Stallone or Wesley Snipes has done. Sad, but true. It's kind of strange in that it has some remarkably good stuff in it, and some remarkably awful stuff too. It's one of those action movies they used to make where they try to make the lines between the good guy and the bad guy hilarious (sorta like Die Hard). And there are some great quotes in this movie, there are also some uncomfortable ones.
Anyway, for those of you who aren't big fans of Wesley Snipes: the karate years - here is a brief description of the movie: Sylvester Stallone goes into South Central to arrest bad guy Wesley and ends up killing a bunch of hostages. The new form of prison is to cryogenically freeze people and rehabillitate them while they are frozen. Sly and Wesley get frozen, and then Wesley busts out 30 years later and the cops thaw out Sly to arrest him.
Pretty standard stuff. But here's where it gets weird:
First of all, they go to a museum (in the year 2030) and there is an Arnold Schwarzenegger Library, and Sandra Bullock explains that, based on the sheer popularity of his movies, a Constitutional amendment was passed in order for Schwarzenegger to run for president, which, according to Huxley, he did. This obviously is supposed to be a joke, but I guess the joke is on us now.
But secondly, and this is the one I noticed last night, when Wesley breaks out of prison, Sandra Bullock goes on a computer to see who had probation appointments in the morning to figure out which prisoner has broken out. Three names come up: Wesley's character's name, another name, and a third name: Scott Peterson.
Demolition Man: Mediocre action movie of the '90's, or mediocre future predicting, fortune teller of the '90's.
And I'm just warning you right now, that in the movie, a 9.0 earthquake hits southern california and kills millions and the entire west coast becomes "San Angeles". Beware the power of Demolition Man.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
The Out of Touchy's
Can't we just do away with award shows at this point, and just have a red carpet arrival ceremony? Then women and their gay friends can hang out on Sunday night and eat popcorn and "gab", but the rest of us are spared all of this awkwardness and inconsequentialness.
No? Okay, then I give you the 2005 Emmy Awards:
Ellen is hosting. You have to respect her simply because she has gotten so much out of so little. Not cute and not funny isn't usually a recipe for success in this town, yet she has made it work.
Yeah! The first award proves everything I hate about this fucking show to be correct! Brad "Talking in a funny voice is funny" Garrett wins the best supporting actor in a comedy category. You know what? Fuck you, Emmy's. Everyone knows Jeremy Piven should get this award, or at the very least, Jeffrey Tambor. This is seriously, so stupid. Who takes this seriously? The question becomes who will fill the role of first "Frasier" and then "Raymond" as the show that nobody likes that wins every award. My vote? 2 and a Half Men.
And then, if that first award wasn't horrible, who am I kidding, it was horrible, the best supporting actor in a drama goes to William Shatner. I've heard the guy is fine in that show and all, but there's this little show on ABC called Lost. And it's the best show on television. With the best character on television, Locke. On the other hand, I guess we should be thankful that Doris Roberts didn't win this one.
For those of you who don't know, the Out of Touchy's are doing this thing this year where people sing old TV anthems. Guess what it's called? Can you guess? Can you? Suck on this tremendously clever name: Emmy Idol. That wasn't one of my hilarious musings, this is actually happening. First up: Donald Trump and that squeaky voice from that show that I'm pretty sure was cancelled 5 years ago, Will and Grace, sing "Green Acres". What? I don't know, they're trying to be funny I think, I can't tell at this point. The best part about this is that they think this is a "ratings stunt", yes, they are doing this to try and boost ratings. I guess it was either Emmy Idol or Emmy Shoot Viewers in the Face.
"The Amazing Race" wins. Was "Being Bobby Brown" not eligible or something? It's an okay show, I guess, but what I don't understand is how "teams" have a 36 hour lead in one episode and then in the next episode they're losing. Can you really invest in a show where things can change like that? It seems to me that since the competition is pretty much complete bullshit, it negates the whole point of watching the show. But then again, I acknowledge that Laguna Beach is completely fake yet enjoy the shit out of it. I'm a reality show hypocrite. Why don't I just say it? I hate the Amazing Race, it sucks. There, I feel better now.
Blythe Danner wins an award. With this win, the question becomes: if you're a big time Hollywood executive and you're putting together a romantic comedy, and you've got Hugh Jackman/Josh Lucas/Ben Affleck to play the dude, which actress has a better chance of opening the movie: Blythe Danner or Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, if you check the statistics you'll find that Blythe, though no longer someone you'd like to see in a love scene, unless you're one of those fetish people who are into old porn, has actually outgrossed the shit out of her daughter over the last couple years. This may be crazy, but I just crunch the numbers here, people. Interpret as you wish.
Oh, Jennifer Love Hewitt, what happened?
Doogie!
Emmy Idol #2: Kristin Bell sings Fame. First of all, who's Kristin Bell. Second of all, who the hell is Kristin Bell?!? She's really hot. I gotta Tivo that Veronica Mars thing. Let's hope her acting is better then her singing. So again, is this supposed to be funny? I don't understand what is going on.
Oh, Chris O'Donnell, what happened?
Call me crazy, but I think Mind of Mencia has a shot next year for something. If Brad Garrett can win an award, anything's possible.
The funniest thing about the Emmy's every single year is the nominations for variety show writing. Each show always puts together a funny thing to show while they are saying all the names. It's great stuff. One show took photos from gay porn and a gay porn guy's face would come up when a writer's name was said, hilarious. Of course the Daily Show won. (cough) overrated (cough).
You know how award presenting dialogue is always wooden and bad? well, Mischa Barton just took it to a whole new level. Say it with me: Poor, untalented Mischa.
Oh my God! It finally happened! The Emmy's have at last honored Doris Roberts' incredible contributions to comedy. The only thing that makes me laugh harder than that patented Doris Roberts delivery is Brad Garret's "funny voice".
Letterman comes out to do the Carson tribute. That must piss Leno off so fucking bad.
Oh look, it's the cast of Raymond hilariously bantering! This has to be the least beloved beloved sitcom ever. Uh oh, Garret just mentioned something about a spinoff. Fire up the funny voice!
John Stewart just compared Letterman to Carson. Something tells me that Leno's going to buy, like, 50 motorcycles tomorrow and drive them all really fast.
Portia De Rossi introduces Emmy Idol #3. Who'd she have to blow to get that gig? It's Macy Gray and some guy from one of those shows where they completely overstep the bounds of what forensic people actually do, and together they sing The Jeffersons theme. Again, I'm not making this up. Don't you wonder what Macy Gray is going to do with the rest of her life? How many jobs call for a washed up black singer who talks incomprehensibly and is high on drugs all the time? I can only think of one: Bobby Brown's wife.
Finally, Lost wins something. Good to see that Rescue Me was nominated in there too.
Lost and Rescue Me just got screwed in some writing category. House is a fine show, but series like Lost and Rescue Me are very, very rare.
Peter Sellers movie just won 3 awards in a row. I saw that movie, and Geoffrey Rush was good, but the movie wasn't. I think HBO wins a million awards not because they produce the best stuff, they just produce stuff. Who else puts a budget into something like this?
Arrested Development wins. That's good. But it reminds me of all the people who we aren't seeing tonight. Like Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Adam Brody, Denis Leary, etc. These are my favorite TV people, people.
Emmy Idol #4: William Shatner. Knock, knock. Who's there? 1998. 1998 who? 1998 is calling, we want our comedy bit back.
Felicity Huffman wins best actress in a comedy. This is actually a good call. If you have to give an award to one of those chicks, it should be her. Pretty girls aren't funny.
I swear to God, Patricia Aquette used to be good looking. I swear. My theory is that at some point in the mid-nineties she switched places with her cross dressing brother, Alexis. I don't know precisely when it happened, and I don't know which one of them played Boy George in "Wedding Singer".
Tony Shalhoub wins best actor in a comedy for Monk. Weird, I thought Monk got cancelled the same year as Will and Grace.
James Spader wins. When he was young, he was the "cool" guy who looked and acted too old for high school. Now he's old, and all dweeby. Is this how all high school "cool" guys get? Is that where Ian Ziering is headed? Be careful, Ziering! Keep playing beach volleyball at the Beverly Hills Beach Club and keep the mullet fro long, my friend.
Okay, second Charles S. Dutton sighting. What the fuck? Oh, I get it, he has a new show coming out. On CBS. Which is the network broadcasting this crapfest. Is there anything more scary than thinking about that a bunch of CBS "suits" getting paid millions of dollars a year sitting around their conference room going "You know who I'd like to see with his own show? Charles S. Dutton". Everyone nods excitedly. That scares the shit out of me.
Whoopi Goldberg comes out to present for best drama. And as the great Dick Enberg once said about her: "If Whoopi Goldberg's in it, it's good." That's a real quote. The winner is...Lost. Thank God. Even the Emmy's couldn't fuck that one up.
But just as I say that, Whoopi announces the best comedy. And it's...Raymond. Fucking Raymond. I think even fans of this show are outraged by this. I loved Seinfeld and Friends but I would readily admit that those shows were not as good at the end. Raymond wasn't even good at the beginning! Dammit.
No? Okay, then I give you the 2005 Emmy Awards:
Ellen is hosting. You have to respect her simply because she has gotten so much out of so little. Not cute and not funny isn't usually a recipe for success in this town, yet she has made it work.
Yeah! The first award proves everything I hate about this fucking show to be correct! Brad "Talking in a funny voice is funny" Garrett wins the best supporting actor in a comedy category. You know what? Fuck you, Emmy's. Everyone knows Jeremy Piven should get this award, or at the very least, Jeffrey Tambor. This is seriously, so stupid. Who takes this seriously? The question becomes who will fill the role of first "Frasier" and then "Raymond" as the show that nobody likes that wins every award. My vote? 2 and a Half Men.
And then, if that first award wasn't horrible, who am I kidding, it was horrible, the best supporting actor in a drama goes to William Shatner. I've heard the guy is fine in that show and all, but there's this little show on ABC called Lost. And it's the best show on television. With the best character on television, Locke. On the other hand, I guess we should be thankful that Doris Roberts didn't win this one.
For those of you who don't know, the Out of Touchy's are doing this thing this year where people sing old TV anthems. Guess what it's called? Can you guess? Can you? Suck on this tremendously clever name: Emmy Idol. That wasn't one of my hilarious musings, this is actually happening. First up: Donald Trump and that squeaky voice from that show that I'm pretty sure was cancelled 5 years ago, Will and Grace, sing "Green Acres". What? I don't know, they're trying to be funny I think, I can't tell at this point. The best part about this is that they think this is a "ratings stunt", yes, they are doing this to try and boost ratings. I guess it was either Emmy Idol or Emmy Shoot Viewers in the Face.
"The Amazing Race" wins. Was "Being Bobby Brown" not eligible or something? It's an okay show, I guess, but what I don't understand is how "teams" have a 36 hour lead in one episode and then in the next episode they're losing. Can you really invest in a show where things can change like that? It seems to me that since the competition is pretty much complete bullshit, it negates the whole point of watching the show. But then again, I acknowledge that Laguna Beach is completely fake yet enjoy the shit out of it. I'm a reality show hypocrite. Why don't I just say it? I hate the Amazing Race, it sucks. There, I feel better now.
Blythe Danner wins an award. With this win, the question becomes: if you're a big time Hollywood executive and you're putting together a romantic comedy, and you've got Hugh Jackman/Josh Lucas/Ben Affleck to play the dude, which actress has a better chance of opening the movie: Blythe Danner or Gwyneth Paltrow. Well, if you check the statistics you'll find that Blythe, though no longer someone you'd like to see in a love scene, unless you're one of those fetish people who are into old porn, has actually outgrossed the shit out of her daughter over the last couple years. This may be crazy, but I just crunch the numbers here, people. Interpret as you wish.
Oh, Jennifer Love Hewitt, what happened?
Doogie!
Emmy Idol #2: Kristin Bell sings Fame. First of all, who's Kristin Bell. Second of all, who the hell is Kristin Bell?!? She's really hot. I gotta Tivo that Veronica Mars thing. Let's hope her acting is better then her singing. So again, is this supposed to be funny? I don't understand what is going on.
Oh, Chris O'Donnell, what happened?
Call me crazy, but I think Mind of Mencia has a shot next year for something. If Brad Garrett can win an award, anything's possible.
The funniest thing about the Emmy's every single year is the nominations for variety show writing. Each show always puts together a funny thing to show while they are saying all the names. It's great stuff. One show took photos from gay porn and a gay porn guy's face would come up when a writer's name was said, hilarious. Of course the Daily Show won. (cough) overrated (cough).
You know how award presenting dialogue is always wooden and bad? well, Mischa Barton just took it to a whole new level. Say it with me: Poor, untalented Mischa.
Oh my God! It finally happened! The Emmy's have at last honored Doris Roberts' incredible contributions to comedy. The only thing that makes me laugh harder than that patented Doris Roberts delivery is Brad Garret's "funny voice".
Letterman comes out to do the Carson tribute. That must piss Leno off so fucking bad.
Oh look, it's the cast of Raymond hilariously bantering! This has to be the least beloved beloved sitcom ever. Uh oh, Garret just mentioned something about a spinoff. Fire up the funny voice!
John Stewart just compared Letterman to Carson. Something tells me that Leno's going to buy, like, 50 motorcycles tomorrow and drive them all really fast.
Portia De Rossi introduces Emmy Idol #3. Who'd she have to blow to get that gig? It's Macy Gray and some guy from one of those shows where they completely overstep the bounds of what forensic people actually do, and together they sing The Jeffersons theme. Again, I'm not making this up. Don't you wonder what Macy Gray is going to do with the rest of her life? How many jobs call for a washed up black singer who talks incomprehensibly and is high on drugs all the time? I can only think of one: Bobby Brown's wife.
Finally, Lost wins something. Good to see that Rescue Me was nominated in there too.
Lost and Rescue Me just got screwed in some writing category. House is a fine show, but series like Lost and Rescue Me are very, very rare.
Peter Sellers movie just won 3 awards in a row. I saw that movie, and Geoffrey Rush was good, but the movie wasn't. I think HBO wins a million awards not because they produce the best stuff, they just produce stuff. Who else puts a budget into something like this?
Arrested Development wins. That's good. But it reminds me of all the people who we aren't seeing tonight. Like Will Arnett, Jason Bateman, Adam Brody, Denis Leary, etc. These are my favorite TV people, people.
Emmy Idol #4: William Shatner. Knock, knock. Who's there? 1998. 1998 who? 1998 is calling, we want our comedy bit back.
Felicity Huffman wins best actress in a comedy. This is actually a good call. If you have to give an award to one of those chicks, it should be her. Pretty girls aren't funny.
I swear to God, Patricia Aquette used to be good looking. I swear. My theory is that at some point in the mid-nineties she switched places with her cross dressing brother, Alexis. I don't know precisely when it happened, and I don't know which one of them played Boy George in "Wedding Singer".
Tony Shalhoub wins best actor in a comedy for Monk. Weird, I thought Monk got cancelled the same year as Will and Grace.
James Spader wins. When he was young, he was the "cool" guy who looked and acted too old for high school. Now he's old, and all dweeby. Is this how all high school "cool" guys get? Is that where Ian Ziering is headed? Be careful, Ziering! Keep playing beach volleyball at the Beverly Hills Beach Club and keep the mullet fro long, my friend.
Okay, second Charles S. Dutton sighting. What the fuck? Oh, I get it, he has a new show coming out. On CBS. Which is the network broadcasting this crapfest. Is there anything more scary than thinking about that a bunch of CBS "suits" getting paid millions of dollars a year sitting around their conference room going "You know who I'd like to see with his own show? Charles S. Dutton". Everyone nods excitedly. That scares the shit out of me.
Whoopi Goldberg comes out to present for best drama. And as the great Dick Enberg once said about her: "If Whoopi Goldberg's in it, it's good." That's a real quote. The winner is...Lost. Thank God. Even the Emmy's couldn't fuck that one up.
But just as I say that, Whoopi announces the best comedy. And it's...Raymond. Fucking Raymond. I think even fans of this show are outraged by this. I loved Seinfeld and Friends but I would readily admit that those shows were not as good at the end. Raymond wasn't even good at the beginning! Dammit.
Friday, September 16, 2005
The new TV Season!!!
The new TV season has begun, and it's made me realize how much my life revolves around TV. It's frightening. Seriously, what the hell would I talk about with people at parties if I couldn't talk about TV shows? The "R. Kelly is genius" rap only lasts so long.
Luckily, for people who have to talk to me at parties, the new shows have started up. It's interesting to think about what makes you watch a new show. By my estimation, it's some combination of advertising, network, time slot, and what Entertainment Weekly says. I really have no idea why I choose certain shows to watch, but somehow it all works out.
And then of course there's some old shows that you start watching, and that's usually because the "cool" people in your life keep talking and talking about a show, to the point where you have to watch the show or risk not being friends with them anymore. This has happened to me with "The Office" (i don't watch the BBC, people!) and "24" (which I don't watch and don't talk to those people anymore).
With that being said, here are the shows I have deemed worthy of watching this year (keep in mind this is just network, and of course there are a million things on basic cable which I watch as well, such as Laguna Beach, My Super Sweet Sixteen, The Showbiz Show, etc.), with "hilarious" comments about each. Here is how I plan on wasting my life until April:
SUNDAY
7:00 60 Minutes - It just isn't Sunday without a little barbecue and Andy Rooney's eyebrows. Love it, but they rerun a lot of segments and try to confuse you by reordering them and doing a small "update". Maybe they can't produce too many shows because everyone who works there is 80, and judging by my grandpa, 80 year olds sleep when they're at work.
8:00 - 9:00 ?????? What will I do with this hour of time? It's a dead zone!
9:00 Desperate Housewives - I have this nagging feeling that I will stop watching this show at some point this season, I can think of no other show that teeters on the edge of great and God awful like it does.
10:00 Grey's Anatomy - All you need to know is that Patrick Dempsey is in it. What took the networks so long? I will be saying the same thing about Joshua Jackson in a couple of years.
MONDAY
8:00 Arrested Development - Yes, it's funny. No, it's not a "must watch" because it's "easy comedy" and relies on "wacky zaniness" instead of characters and relationships. And yes, Jason Bateman is in the "Patrick Dempsey and Joshua Jackson club".
8:30 How I Met Your Mother - This will be the first sitcom I've ever watched on CBS, we'll see how it is. I'm watching it for 2 reasons: 1) I had this very same idea 6 months ago and thought it was gold. 2) Two words: Doogie Howser.
9:00 Prison Break - Is this show good or terrible? I can't tell yet. But what I can tell is that that Mariah Carey motherfucker needs to stop staring into the distance for the entire show.
TUESDAY
8:00 ????? Play Xbox or think about writing? play Xbox.
9:00 My Name is Earl - I've heard from multiple sources that this is the "best pilot script I've ever read".
WEDNESDAY
This used to be one of the greatest nights on television. Seriously, there was so much on that it was annoying because you couldn't watch all of it. Now, besides "Lost" it's like fricking Saturday night.
9:00 Lost - the best show on television, I hope they can keep it up. Isn't funny how that little guy with the beard in real life is going out with the hot girl? it's very ironic because a similar situation happened on Party of Five, a show that also starred Matthew Fox. On that show, Fox's girlfriend was Paula Deviq, but in real life, she was going out with Scott Wolf. Not that Scott Wolf is unattractive like that hobbitt, but it still seemed like a weird coupling.
THURSDAY
This has always been a big night on television (I fondly remember the Cheers/Family Ties era), but now it's particularly ridiculous.
8:00 The OC - After watching the first episode this season, it's clear that this show will never be the same as it was. And when you look back, it really only had, like, 5 good episodes. But they were all in a row and all at the very beginning. It's basically sucked ever since. I hate it. It makes you wonder - was Luke the glue that held the entire show together? Scary thought. The reason I watch is simple: I just can't live in a world where I don't watch the OC. It just wouldn't make sense, the universe might explode or something. However, there might be a reason to turn the channel:
8:00 Everybody Hates Chris - There's no show on TV that I want to love more than this one. I love Chris Rock. I love the Wonder Years. I hate the OC now and don't want to watch it. But there's just one problem: it's on UPN. A network that has never had a watchable show before. Can it possibly be good? I seriously doubt it. Why does it has a chance? Chris Rock isn't acting in it.
9:00 Reunion - This is second on my "most want it to be good" list. I love the premise. Love it. And somehow they've pulled off getting actors who can play both 18 and 38. It's like getting Steve Sanders from 90210, only if he could actually pull off 18. But I hate the fact that the only reason this show is on the air is because of the success of "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives". It's a great premise, why does there have to be a fucking mystery on every show? After watching the pilot, I didn't like the way it portrayed 1986. You can't just slap a Don Johnson/Miami Vice outfit on a guy, play a Cindy Lauper song, and use a Molly Ringwald reference and call it 1986, okay? The pilot was disappointing, but I'm holding out hope.
FRIDAY
The networks have given up on Friday and Saturday, but:
8:30 Hot Properties - I know what you're thinking: Hot fucking Properties? But there are actually 2 great reasons to watch this show: 1) My friend Pamie writes on this show, and she is both awesome and a genius. You all must watch it for Pamie! And 2) Sofia Vergara. This girl is so hot, Tom Cruise used to pretend to be attracted to her (I have a feeling this kind of broad joke will be the staple of Hot Properties).
SATURDAY
Again, the networks have given up. I don't know why. This used to be my favorite night, with "Diff'rent Strokes" and "Silver Spoons". Those were good times. Does anybody remember the "Dine and Dash" episode of "Silver Spoons". A classic, and an episode which featured Derek, who was played by...Jason Bateman! See how I tie all this shit together?
WHAT I WON'T BE WATCHING
CSI/Law and Order/N3mbers/Supernatural/Threshold/Ghost Whisperer/Without a Trace/Invasion/CSI/Law and Order/Criminal Minds/Bones/Law and Order/CSI/Cold Case/Median
Who likes these procedural shows? I tell you who: America. Fuck you, America. Don't you want your TV characters to have relationships? Don't you want them to like girls/boys? Don't you like a good love triangle? No, okay, then here's some more of that crap you love. Seriously, America, just watch reruns of "Murder She Wrote", cause that's what CSI is. It's all the same.
And as for that supernatural bullshit, "Lost" isn't good because of the "mystery". It's good because of the characters and the writing. The polar bear and the hatch don't keep me coming back week after week, it's the writing and that hot asian girl, okay? I would've been "Smallville's" number one fan, but they made it a stupid monster show. I don't like monsters, I like Dawson's Creek! More OC (when it was good), less Law and Order, please. Thank you.
Luckily, for people who have to talk to me at parties, the new shows have started up. It's interesting to think about what makes you watch a new show. By my estimation, it's some combination of advertising, network, time slot, and what Entertainment Weekly says. I really have no idea why I choose certain shows to watch, but somehow it all works out.
And then of course there's some old shows that you start watching, and that's usually because the "cool" people in your life keep talking and talking about a show, to the point where you have to watch the show or risk not being friends with them anymore. This has happened to me with "The Office" (i don't watch the BBC, people!) and "24" (which I don't watch and don't talk to those people anymore).
With that being said, here are the shows I have deemed worthy of watching this year (keep in mind this is just network, and of course there are a million things on basic cable which I watch as well, such as Laguna Beach, My Super Sweet Sixteen, The Showbiz Show, etc.), with "hilarious" comments about each. Here is how I plan on wasting my life until April:
SUNDAY
7:00 60 Minutes - It just isn't Sunday without a little barbecue and Andy Rooney's eyebrows. Love it, but they rerun a lot of segments and try to confuse you by reordering them and doing a small "update". Maybe they can't produce too many shows because everyone who works there is 80, and judging by my grandpa, 80 year olds sleep when they're at work.
8:00 - 9:00 ?????? What will I do with this hour of time? It's a dead zone!
9:00 Desperate Housewives - I have this nagging feeling that I will stop watching this show at some point this season, I can think of no other show that teeters on the edge of great and God awful like it does.
10:00 Grey's Anatomy - All you need to know is that Patrick Dempsey is in it. What took the networks so long? I will be saying the same thing about Joshua Jackson in a couple of years.
MONDAY
8:00 Arrested Development - Yes, it's funny. No, it's not a "must watch" because it's "easy comedy" and relies on "wacky zaniness" instead of characters and relationships. And yes, Jason Bateman is in the "Patrick Dempsey and Joshua Jackson club".
8:30 How I Met Your Mother - This will be the first sitcom I've ever watched on CBS, we'll see how it is. I'm watching it for 2 reasons: 1) I had this very same idea 6 months ago and thought it was gold. 2) Two words: Doogie Howser.
9:00 Prison Break - Is this show good or terrible? I can't tell yet. But what I can tell is that that Mariah Carey motherfucker needs to stop staring into the distance for the entire show.
TUESDAY
8:00 ????? Play Xbox or think about writing? play Xbox.
9:00 My Name is Earl - I've heard from multiple sources that this is the "best pilot script I've ever read".
WEDNESDAY
This used to be one of the greatest nights on television. Seriously, there was so much on that it was annoying because you couldn't watch all of it. Now, besides "Lost" it's like fricking Saturday night.
9:00 Lost - the best show on television, I hope they can keep it up. Isn't funny how that little guy with the beard in real life is going out with the hot girl? it's very ironic because a similar situation happened on Party of Five, a show that also starred Matthew Fox. On that show, Fox's girlfriend was Paula Deviq, but in real life, she was going out with Scott Wolf. Not that Scott Wolf is unattractive like that hobbitt, but it still seemed like a weird coupling.
THURSDAY
This has always been a big night on television (I fondly remember the Cheers/Family Ties era), but now it's particularly ridiculous.
8:00 The OC - After watching the first episode this season, it's clear that this show will never be the same as it was. And when you look back, it really only had, like, 5 good episodes. But they were all in a row and all at the very beginning. It's basically sucked ever since. I hate it. It makes you wonder - was Luke the glue that held the entire show together? Scary thought. The reason I watch is simple: I just can't live in a world where I don't watch the OC. It just wouldn't make sense, the universe might explode or something. However, there might be a reason to turn the channel:
8:00 Everybody Hates Chris - There's no show on TV that I want to love more than this one. I love Chris Rock. I love the Wonder Years. I hate the OC now and don't want to watch it. But there's just one problem: it's on UPN. A network that has never had a watchable show before. Can it possibly be good? I seriously doubt it. Why does it has a chance? Chris Rock isn't acting in it.
9:00 Reunion - This is second on my "most want it to be good" list. I love the premise. Love it. And somehow they've pulled off getting actors who can play both 18 and 38. It's like getting Steve Sanders from 90210, only if he could actually pull off 18. But I hate the fact that the only reason this show is on the air is because of the success of "Lost" and "Desperate Housewives". It's a great premise, why does there have to be a fucking mystery on every show? After watching the pilot, I didn't like the way it portrayed 1986. You can't just slap a Don Johnson/Miami Vice outfit on a guy, play a Cindy Lauper song, and use a Molly Ringwald reference and call it 1986, okay? The pilot was disappointing, but I'm holding out hope.
FRIDAY
The networks have given up on Friday and Saturday, but:
8:30 Hot Properties - I know what you're thinking: Hot fucking Properties? But there are actually 2 great reasons to watch this show: 1) My friend Pamie writes on this show, and she is both awesome and a genius. You all must watch it for Pamie! And 2) Sofia Vergara. This girl is so hot, Tom Cruise used to pretend to be attracted to her (I have a feeling this kind of broad joke will be the staple of Hot Properties).
SATURDAY
Again, the networks have given up. I don't know why. This used to be my favorite night, with "Diff'rent Strokes" and "Silver Spoons". Those were good times. Does anybody remember the "Dine and Dash" episode of "Silver Spoons". A classic, and an episode which featured Derek, who was played by...Jason Bateman! See how I tie all this shit together?
WHAT I WON'T BE WATCHING
CSI/Law and Order/N3mbers/Supernatural/Threshold/Ghost Whisperer/Without a Trace/Invasion/CSI/Law and Order/Criminal Minds/Bones/Law and Order/CSI/Cold Case/Median
Who likes these procedural shows? I tell you who: America. Fuck you, America. Don't you want your TV characters to have relationships? Don't you want them to like girls/boys? Don't you like a good love triangle? No, okay, then here's some more of that crap you love. Seriously, America, just watch reruns of "Murder She Wrote", cause that's what CSI is. It's all the same.
And as for that supernatural bullshit, "Lost" isn't good because of the "mystery". It's good because of the characters and the writing. The polar bear and the hatch don't keep me coming back week after week, it's the writing and that hot asian girl, okay? I would've been "Smallville's" number one fan, but they made it a stupid monster show. I don't like monsters, I like Dawson's Creek! More OC (when it was good), less Law and Order, please. Thank you.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
The Final Word
Well good people, I lost my appeal to the WGA. I wrote an amazing, absolutely kick ass appeal statement, and then went in there yesterday ready to battle. I argued my case, quite effectively, but there was no changing their minds. I'm pretty sure it was over before it began. I've been told of many cases where non-wga people got screwed over by wga people. Unfortuantely, it's very difficult to prove that. I'm not going to lie to you, it hurts. This shitty ass movie represents a year and a half of my life. A lot of work, and even more stress was poured into this thing, and I've felt shat upon during almost the entire process. One of the reasons this happened was because it was my first experience with this, and another reason is because I have absolutely no power or, as they say, "juice". Despite what you non-hollywood types may think, "The Soup" on e! doesn't get a lot of props in this town. I had to eat whatever crap they were feeding me because I was a starving man at the ironically titled "Soup".
Now "Story By" credit is nothing to sneeze at. True, but if you knew all of the details in this situation, you'd understand what an outrage this is. I can't really explain it all because there is so much and it's painful to think about. But it's not an exaggeration to say that if it wasn't for me, the movie would not have gotten made. The script was shit, DMX was in jail, and the project was dead. My script brought it back to life. It brought Usher, it brought the midget, er, the director, it brought money. But whatever, what's done is done. Sometimes in life, you just get fucked in the ass and have to take it. But unlike a porn star, I didn't get paid very much for it.
There is one silver lining to the ruling yesterday. I can finally stop thinking about this movie (now titled "In the Mix" by the way, changed from "Dying for Dolly"). I've spent this entire year worrying about it, writing WGA letters, writing appeal letters, going to watch it, hearing about test screenings, etc. That shit is over. I don't want to think about it anymore. It's time to focus on the next movie, and that one I plan to have a little more control over (as much as a writer can, anyway. It won't be someone else's hack story, it will be my hack story. And I guarantee you Ron Underwood will not be involved with it, so it will actually have a chance to be good. This experience was filled with rookie mistakes by me, but the next one won't be. And I look forward to that.
Now "Story By" credit is nothing to sneeze at. True, but if you knew all of the details in this situation, you'd understand what an outrage this is. I can't really explain it all because there is so much and it's painful to think about. But it's not an exaggeration to say that if it wasn't for me, the movie would not have gotten made. The script was shit, DMX was in jail, and the project was dead. My script brought it back to life. It brought Usher, it brought the midget, er, the director, it brought money. But whatever, what's done is done. Sometimes in life, you just get fucked in the ass and have to take it. But unlike a porn star, I didn't get paid very much for it.
There is one silver lining to the ruling yesterday. I can finally stop thinking about this movie (now titled "In the Mix" by the way, changed from "Dying for Dolly"). I've spent this entire year worrying about it, writing WGA letters, writing appeal letters, going to watch it, hearing about test screenings, etc. That shit is over. I don't want to think about it anymore. It's time to focus on the next movie, and that one I plan to have a little more control over (as much as a writer can, anyway. It won't be someone else's hack story, it will be my hack story. And I guarantee you Ron Underwood will not be involved with it, so it will actually have a chance to be good. This experience was filled with rookie mistakes by me, but the next one won't be. And I look forward to that.
Sunday, September 11, 2005
My First "Set"
I am not a standup comedian. I am a writer (sort of). But a lot of my fellow writers are also standups, and give me a funny look when I say I've never done it. The reason I chose writing was so that I wouldn't have to be around people, in front of people, or up on stage in front of drunk people. I like sitting at my computer alone and writing my shit. My point is, I've never been much for public speaking. However, growing up I was always a huge standup fan, and I really never even thought about doing it myself. The thought was just foreign to me.
But then a good friend of mine, who is a brilliant standup and writer, had his 30th birthday last night. And a week ago his girlfriend told me that she wanted to do a "roast" of him, and was wondering if I wanted to be one of the roasters. I told her I'd be more than happy to write some stuff up, but I really wouldn't mind if someone else read it. She promised me that it wasn't a big deal, no pressure or anything, and so I decided to go for it.
I wrote some stuff up, and prepared myself for my big moment. I would never talk in front of people unless I knew what I was saying was going to be good. And I think you guys know that I am occasionally hilarious, at least in my own mind - but I knew that if I just believed in my material I'd be okay. Confidence was all I needed - that and 2 beers, 2 cranberry and vodkas, and 2 shots of jager. That's all it takes, people.
I was nervous, but it wasn't too bad. My friend's mom went up, and she was funny but not that mean, and then his high school buddy went up and he didn't do jokes and wasn't mean, and then my name was called. I whispered to the girl i was with: "No one's being mean, this is bad." But it was do or die time, and...
I killed. Huge laughs. It might be my first and last appearance on "stage", and I dare say that if there has been a more impressive standup debut, I don't know of it. Here's the "A" material from my "set":
I’m not a standup comedian, but then again, for those of you who have seen M's act, he’s not much of one either.
But before I start making fun of M I just want to say how amazing it is that he has accomplished so much in an industry based around the importance of looks.
Whenever I see that mishapen, red face of his, I feel like knocking a miniaure golf ball into his nose to win a free game.
How a guy who looks like a walking circus mirror could land such a beautiful mail order girlfriend is astounding. Perhaps, M’s uncanny resemblance to that bulbous red smudge on Gorbachev’s head reminds her of the mother country.
But seriously, L is a beautiful girl. In fact, she reminds some of us of a young Natalie Portman, while M reminds all of us of a fat jew.
M and L’s relationship was the inspiration for 3 reality shows: NBC’s Average Joe, the WB’s beauty and the geek, and UPN’s short lived: What the fuck is that little schmuck doing with that hot girl!
M actually has one physical characteristic that many people would love to have: great tits. seriously, they’re voluptious. I mean, if you cut off his head I’d titty fuck him in a second.
This is a man who can lick his own nipples.
I used to wonder how M knew so many important comediens and executives in the entertianment industry. But then I found out that he's blown more guys than Hurricane Katrina (this got groans and calls of "Too soon").
There were actually a couple signs of M's gay tendencies when I first met him. One was that we were at e! and everyone there is a homo. Another was that he’d go on and on about Dave Adelson’s sculpted physique. And third was when he drilled a glory hole into Ted Casablanca’s office.
As you know, M used to write for Blue Collar TV. Unfortunately, Jeff Foxworthy couldn't be here tonight. But he emaled me some things he wanted to say in M's honor and has asked me to read them for him. So M, this is from your good friend, Jeff Foxworthy:
If your girlfriend is hundred times hotter than you, you might be a red headed jew.
If your younger brother is more succesful and attractive and better loved by your parents, you might be a red headed jew.
If in some states you are legally classified a midget, you might be a red headed jew.
Jeff Foxworthy, ladies and gentlemen.
But seriously, M and I have become great griends and I really value our relationship. In fact, when you combine us we are much like Woody Allen. M does comedy, he’s racked with a lot of jewish guilt, he’s very funny looking. and I fuck young asian girls.
Thank you and good night!
But then a good friend of mine, who is a brilliant standup and writer, had his 30th birthday last night. And a week ago his girlfriend told me that she wanted to do a "roast" of him, and was wondering if I wanted to be one of the roasters. I told her I'd be more than happy to write some stuff up, but I really wouldn't mind if someone else read it. She promised me that it wasn't a big deal, no pressure or anything, and so I decided to go for it.
I wrote some stuff up, and prepared myself for my big moment. I would never talk in front of people unless I knew what I was saying was going to be good. And I think you guys know that I am occasionally hilarious, at least in my own mind - but I knew that if I just believed in my material I'd be okay. Confidence was all I needed - that and 2 beers, 2 cranberry and vodkas, and 2 shots of jager. That's all it takes, people.
I was nervous, but it wasn't too bad. My friend's mom went up, and she was funny but not that mean, and then his high school buddy went up and he didn't do jokes and wasn't mean, and then my name was called. I whispered to the girl i was with: "No one's being mean, this is bad." But it was do or die time, and...
I killed. Huge laughs. It might be my first and last appearance on "stage", and I dare say that if there has been a more impressive standup debut, I don't know of it. Here's the "A" material from my "set":
I’m not a standup comedian, but then again, for those of you who have seen M's act, he’s not much of one either.
But before I start making fun of M I just want to say how amazing it is that he has accomplished so much in an industry based around the importance of looks.
Whenever I see that mishapen, red face of his, I feel like knocking a miniaure golf ball into his nose to win a free game.
How a guy who looks like a walking circus mirror could land such a beautiful mail order girlfriend is astounding. Perhaps, M’s uncanny resemblance to that bulbous red smudge on Gorbachev’s head reminds her of the mother country.
But seriously, L is a beautiful girl. In fact, she reminds some of us of a young Natalie Portman, while M reminds all of us of a fat jew.
M and L’s relationship was the inspiration for 3 reality shows: NBC’s Average Joe, the WB’s beauty and the geek, and UPN’s short lived: What the fuck is that little schmuck doing with that hot girl!
M actually has one physical characteristic that many people would love to have: great tits. seriously, they’re voluptious. I mean, if you cut off his head I’d titty fuck him in a second.
This is a man who can lick his own nipples.
I used to wonder how M knew so many important comediens and executives in the entertianment industry. But then I found out that he's blown more guys than Hurricane Katrina (this got groans and calls of "Too soon").
There were actually a couple signs of M's gay tendencies when I first met him. One was that we were at e! and everyone there is a homo. Another was that he’d go on and on about Dave Adelson’s sculpted physique. And third was when he drilled a glory hole into Ted Casablanca’s office.
As you know, M used to write for Blue Collar TV. Unfortunately, Jeff Foxworthy couldn't be here tonight. But he emaled me some things he wanted to say in M's honor and has asked me to read them for him. So M, this is from your good friend, Jeff Foxworthy:
If your girlfriend is hundred times hotter than you, you might be a red headed jew.
If your younger brother is more succesful and attractive and better loved by your parents, you might be a red headed jew.
If in some states you are legally classified a midget, you might be a red headed jew.
Jeff Foxworthy, ladies and gentlemen.
But seriously, M and I have become great griends and I really value our relationship. In fact, when you combine us we are much like Woody Allen. M does comedy, he’s racked with a lot of jewish guilt, he’s very funny looking. and I fuck young asian girls.
Thank you and good night!
Thursday, September 08, 2005
And the WGA ruling is...
For those of you who don't know, I wrote a little Usher movie recently
that's coming out in November. However, about a million other writers
are claiming that they wrote a little Usher movie that's coming out in
November. This has caused much stress, and the process for figuring it all out has been brutal. It's amazing how your whole life can be decided by a couple of morons. But that's the movie business and that's life.
Anyway, the WGA finally got back to me this week, and after just a few short months!, they made a decision. Their "arbiters" have ruled that i should get "story by" credit and not "screenplay by" credit. what does
this mean? this means the wga sucks.
but the fight is not over. i am currently composing my appeal statement, and sometime next week i will go before a policy review board where i will attempt to argue my case. being a writer is fun!
i've received the arbiters statements about why they ruled the way that they did, and it turns out that it was 2 to 1 against me. it was pretty much luck of the draw that i got fucked, i mean 2 to 1 isn't exactly a landslide decision. it takes a unanimous decision, 12 to 0, to send OJ away, but all it takes is 2 to 1 for me to get fucked in the ass. not cool. anyway, the next step is appeal and that's what i'm doing, and if that doesn't work, i'll try something else. bottom line however, is that my name is on the movie. but i feel like "story by" is not enough credit for all of the bullshit i've been through and all that i've contributed.
After I craft my brilliant appeal there will be a "Policy Review Board" hearing where I will get to argue my case. I've never been one for public speaking or public arguing, but a lot is on the line so I'm pulling out my best Mitch McDeere. To prepare for "court", here are the movies I will be renting and examining closely:
"A Few Good Men" - A perfect script coupled with perfect direction and perfect acting, almost destroyed by the work of one post-boob-op Demi Moore. Maybe the most overrated "star" of our day.
"The Firm" - I'll admit it, I love Tom Cruise. He's great, and obviously very good at pretending.
"Cocktail" - This is always a funny movie to reference. "Cocktail"! "Oh my God! Can you believe how bad it was?!? Ha, ha, ha..."
"A Time to Kill" - My mom says Matthew McConaughey is super dreamy in this movie.
Presumed Innocent - A movie that features the greatest lawyer name of all time: Rusty Sabich. Maybe I should make those WGA bastards call me "Mr. Sabich" just to get me hyped.
"To Kill a Mockingbird" - Atticus, right? Do all lawyers have weird names?
"The Porn Identity" - Porn relaxes me.
"A Civil Action" - The size of Travolta's head in this film cannot be appreciated without a widescreen television.
"Jagged Edge" - A criminally overlooked film featuring some of Jeff Bridge's best work. Yes, believe it or not, Jeff Bridge's had something that can be called "his best work". Also amazing about this film: that there was a time in the '80's when Glenn Close was a leading lady. Glenn Close! Apparently in the '80's all of the attractive women were blowing members of Motley Crue.
"Roadhouse" - You can't have a list of movies without including "Roadhouse".
that's coming out in November. However, about a million other writers
are claiming that they wrote a little Usher movie that's coming out in
November. This has caused much stress, and the process for figuring it all out has been brutal. It's amazing how your whole life can be decided by a couple of morons. But that's the movie business and that's life.
Anyway, the WGA finally got back to me this week, and after just a few short months!, they made a decision. Their "arbiters" have ruled that i should get "story by" credit and not "screenplay by" credit. what does
this mean? this means the wga sucks.
but the fight is not over. i am currently composing my appeal statement, and sometime next week i will go before a policy review board where i will attempt to argue my case. being a writer is fun!
i've received the arbiters statements about why they ruled the way that they did, and it turns out that it was 2 to 1 against me. it was pretty much luck of the draw that i got fucked, i mean 2 to 1 isn't exactly a landslide decision. it takes a unanimous decision, 12 to 0, to send OJ away, but all it takes is 2 to 1 for me to get fucked in the ass. not cool. anyway, the next step is appeal and that's what i'm doing, and if that doesn't work, i'll try something else. bottom line however, is that my name is on the movie. but i feel like "story by" is not enough credit for all of the bullshit i've been through and all that i've contributed.
After I craft my brilliant appeal there will be a "Policy Review Board" hearing where I will get to argue my case. I've never been one for public speaking or public arguing, but a lot is on the line so I'm pulling out my best Mitch McDeere. To prepare for "court", here are the movies I will be renting and examining closely:
"A Few Good Men" - A perfect script coupled with perfect direction and perfect acting, almost destroyed by the work of one post-boob-op Demi Moore. Maybe the most overrated "star" of our day.
"The Firm" - I'll admit it, I love Tom Cruise. He's great, and obviously very good at pretending.
"Cocktail" - This is always a funny movie to reference. "Cocktail"! "Oh my God! Can you believe how bad it was?!? Ha, ha, ha..."
"A Time to Kill" - My mom says Matthew McConaughey is super dreamy in this movie.
Presumed Innocent - A movie that features the greatest lawyer name of all time: Rusty Sabich. Maybe I should make those WGA bastards call me "Mr. Sabich" just to get me hyped.
"To Kill a Mockingbird" - Atticus, right? Do all lawyers have weird names?
"The Porn Identity" - Porn relaxes me.
"A Civil Action" - The size of Travolta's head in this film cannot be appreciated without a widescreen television.
"Jagged Edge" - A criminally overlooked film featuring some of Jeff Bridge's best work. Yes, believe it or not, Jeff Bridge's had something that can be called "his best work". Also amazing about this film: that there was a time in the '80's when Glenn Close was a leading lady. Glenn Close! Apparently in the '80's all of the attractive women were blowing members of Motley Crue.
"Roadhouse" - You can't have a list of movies without including "Roadhouse".
Monday, September 05, 2005
Laguna Beach, My Super Sweet Sixteen, and the end of the world
MTV has a show called "Laguna Beach", and another one called "My Super Sweet Sixteen". Laguna Beach follows the lives of "real" teenagers who are rich, spoiled, dumb, and extremely good looking. "My Super Sweet Sixteen" follow sixteen year olds who are rich, spoiled, dumb, and usually not as good looking as their parents have led them to believe. Now let's not get into the subject of whether or not these shows are "reality" shows, that's not what I want to discuss. If you think about that question too much it will ruin these shows for you. And you shouldn't ruin them because they're slightly more addictive than Oxycontin. But let's just say that "Laguna Beach" is about as real as the plot of "Prison Break".
When I was in College, I visited a factory in Elkhart, Indiana. It was the kind of place where a guy had a job where he would have to pull a lever every 15 seconds. That was his entire job. And if he didn't pull it every 15 seconds, his hand would be chopped off by some kind of giant robotic machine. And this particular factory employed a large percentage of the town of Elkhart. It was an interesting visit for me. I came away feeling thankful for these people. Not only were they doing a job I would never do, they were serving a great purpose to our country. You see, a lot of us like cars and TVs and food, and you can't produce that kind of stuff by writing blogs or material for a Mexican comedian. We need these people to make the country work. Without them, we'd be France. What I'm trying to say is that you can't have a country of artists. You need people to do the hard labor, who work in factories, or on farms, or other places where people do stuff none of us want to do. Thank God for them. And what's interesting is that I bet all of them would tell you that they are doing it to provide for their family, and to give their kids "a better life" than the one they have. But what happens when they do the hard work and give their kids this better life? I'll tell you what happens: Laguna Beach and My Super Sweet Sixteen happen. And that's not good.
But is this a better life? Did Old Man Johnson really work his ass off in the mill so that Ciara would perform at his bitchy daughter's birthday? Did he get black lung so that his little angel Kristen would fuck with guys heads "because she can"?
These kids all want to be stars. They want to be famous. They want attention, and MTV is giving it to them. With reality TV, and even worse, 24-hour news channels, these morons are getting more than their 15 minutes in the spotlight. They're winning money on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. They're talking trash with Jose Canseco on the Surreal Life. We've got so much time to fill up, that we actually need a whole lot more idiots than we used to. So now they don't just think they should be stars, they are becoming stars. Our once proud nation is becoming a country full of idiot stars. You are Britney Spears. I am Britney Spears. We are all Brintey Spears. And while I am certainly entertained, I'm also frightened.
When I was in College, I visited a factory in Elkhart, Indiana. It was the kind of place where a guy had a job where he would have to pull a lever every 15 seconds. That was his entire job. And if he didn't pull it every 15 seconds, his hand would be chopped off by some kind of giant robotic machine. And this particular factory employed a large percentage of the town of Elkhart. It was an interesting visit for me. I came away feeling thankful for these people. Not only were they doing a job I would never do, they were serving a great purpose to our country. You see, a lot of us like cars and TVs and food, and you can't produce that kind of stuff by writing blogs or material for a Mexican comedian. We need these people to make the country work. Without them, we'd be France. What I'm trying to say is that you can't have a country of artists. You need people to do the hard labor, who work in factories, or on farms, or other places where people do stuff none of us want to do. Thank God for them. And what's interesting is that I bet all of them would tell you that they are doing it to provide for their family, and to give their kids "a better life" than the one they have. But what happens when they do the hard work and give their kids this better life? I'll tell you what happens: Laguna Beach and My Super Sweet Sixteen happen. And that's not good.
But is this a better life? Did Old Man Johnson really work his ass off in the mill so that Ciara would perform at his bitchy daughter's birthday? Did he get black lung so that his little angel Kristen would fuck with guys heads "because she can"?
These kids all want to be stars. They want to be famous. They want attention, and MTV is giving it to them. With reality TV, and even worse, 24-hour news channels, these morons are getting more than their 15 minutes in the spotlight. They're winning money on The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. They're talking trash with Jose Canseco on the Surreal Life. We've got so much time to fill up, that we actually need a whole lot more idiots than we used to. So now they don't just think they should be stars, they are becoming stars. Our once proud nation is becoming a country full of idiot stars. You are Britney Spears. I am Britney Spears. We are all Brintey Spears. And while I am certainly entertained, I'm also frightened.
Kanye's "Late Registration": A Review
I guess it can be said now that Kanye West is the next big thing. I can't remember when I first heard of the guy, but I think it was back when he was just a really good hip hop producer who other people would bring in to make that one song that would sell albums. Then his first single "dropped", which was the song "Through the Wire". I hate that fucking song. For as talented as he is, he sure doesn't know what makes a good first single (more on that later). But then the second came out, which was "All Falls Down". I love that fucking song. Usually if a song combines rap and r&b in a clever way, I'm on board. Anyway, the album was pretty good. Some people think the album is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and even suggest that it somehow is revolutionary. I disagree. It's just a very good, clever hip hop album. And I enjoyed it.
After that album came out, it has steadily become apparent that Kanye is just a touch insane. He's had some interesting public outbursts (the most recent being on the NBC telethon to raise money for hurricane relief, where he said that the Red Cross ordered all black people shot - or something like that). He may just be too much of an "artiste" for his own good (think R. Kelly). It's not a stretch to imagine him one day on an award show, play acting the lyrics to one of his songs without singing the actual words. But it doesn't matter right now, this guy is very good at what he does. I dare say he is, in fact, a genius. If I know that Kanye has produced a song on someone else's album, I can listen to the album and immediately pick out which song it is. His beats and arrangements just sound more professional and plain better than almost everyone else. And maybe his first album was even better than I thought it was because there weren't shitty tracks around it for me to compare them too. I don't know.
It's interesting to note that the more success he has, the worse Jay Z looks. I compare Kanye West and Jay Z to Bill Belichek and Bill Parcells. Bill Parcells was once regarded as the NFL's best football coach. While having his huge success, his defensive coordinator was a guy named Bill Belichek. But then Belichek left Parcells to be a head coach himself, and ever since Belichek has been winning Super Bowl after Super Bowl, while Parcells has been doing God's work and making the Cowboys shitty. So now people are rethinking how good of a coach Parcell's actually was. Was it him, or was it Belichek? Well, for many years Kanye West was the man behind Jay Z. He made a lot of his beats, and he's such a great writer, you know he had to be writing a lot of rhymes too. So was Jay Z really that great, or was it because he had Kanye hidden in his pocket? Debate amongst yourselves.
So now it's time for Kanye's second album. And in the tradition of "Through the Wire", his first single was the crap ass "Diamonds from Sierra Leone". I hate that fucking song. I have no idea why he released it first. But true to his pattern, the second single released was "Gold Digger". I love that fucking song. Everyone loves that fucking song. So I, along with 1.7 million other people, bought the album. I downloaded it from ITunes, so I don't have the liner notes or anything, but I've heard a few things. So with that knowledge (or lack thereof), here is a review:
Track 1: "Wakeup Mr. West"
Okay, this guy does too many "skits" on his albums. Why do rappers do this? Do we buy their albums for the comedy? No, we buy them for the exploitation of gang violence. Stick to that, and let me write the crappy comedy sketches. However, if this is an imitation of Bernie Mac, it's okay, if it's actually Bernie Mac, then it's very disturbing.
Track 2: "Heard 'em Say" Featuring Adam Levine (of Maroon 5)
This should be the 3rd single. I really like it (see? combination of rap and r&b). Jon Brion did a lot of producing on this album, and right out of a gate we get some of his shit. To me, he's a one trick pony. Luckily, that trick is a pretty good one. That repetitive piano thing can be heard on any Aimee Mann album, Fiona Apple's stuff, and every PT Anderson film. You can also see it at Largo every weekend on Fairfax. Moving on, this is also an inspirational song to me, because the lead singer from Maroon 5 sings on it. Why is this inspirational? Because that dude is just an average jewish kid from Brentwood High School, and now he's singing on a huge rap album. That was my dream, motherfucker! And he did it! Where your born in this country makes a huge difference in your future. I know this is obvious but follow along: if that kid had been born in Sheboygan, Wisconson, or Moraga, California, he'd probably be working in a mill somewhwere or at best writing for a crappy show on Comedy Central. Lucky falsetto bastard.
Track 3: "Touch the Sky"
Very horny. I mean, there's lots of horns on this. Sort of like on that one Beyonce song. I don't like it that much, but this song is pretty good because it has a lot of energy and is a little catchy. It could be the next single, but it's not better than the song with my jewish idol.
Track 4: "Gold Digger"
You can't not love it. I don't know how good of a rapper Kanye is, but he has a distinctive voice and he's just simply a terrific writer. "You can see him playing football/any given sunday/win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundae". Come on, that's awesome. And I'm now convinced that if Ray Charles had been born in the '70's, he'd be Nate Dogg.
Track 5: "Skit #1"
Skits!!! Get over yourself, dude! I'll say it again: just make music and let me do the bad comedy.
Track 6: "Drive Slow"
A solid rap song, the kind the crossover audience (re: my sister Lisa) that buys this album will quickly learn to skip over. It's reminiscent of the kind of songs 2pac has made since he died.
Track 7: "My Way Home" Featuring Common
This song could've been good, but Common raps on it. And he sucks. He's a good writer, but the dude can't rap. If I wanted to listen to poetry, I'd go to one of those places I used to see in movies from the 90's where people would drink coffee and then get up and read poetry.
Track 8: "Crack Music" Featuring Game
I'm not a big fan of Game, and I don't like this song. There's too much going on and there's absolutely no flow to it. It feels loaded with ideas but half-finished, kinda like any Charlie Kaufman movie.
"Roses"
Again, no flow. The music starts, and then it stops while he raps. I like when the beat stop for a line, but here the beat stops for the whole verse. Let me get the shoulders moving a little bit, son. Let me groove. Lots of good stuff in here, but it's not made into a cool song. Sometimes you have to stop being so clever and just make music.
"Bring Me Down" (featuring Brandy)
Sometimes songs are just so fricking "important" that they're kinda good, but you never want to listen to them again. It's like the contrast between Eminem's voting song versus "Don't Cha". You know Eminem's song is important, and it's pretty good, but when you're in the car, dammit if you don't want "Don't Cha" banging through the speakers. This song isn't that important, and it isn't that good, and Brandy is on it.
"Addiction"
This song is kinda important and kinda good. Good sample. Not a great song, but enjoyable.
"Skit #2"
Fuck! The saving grace of these skits is that they don't bleed into the songs. You can easily skip over them. It's when they're on the same track that it kills you. Puffy almost killed Biggie's "Life After Death" with those fucking skits. You would always have to fast forward 1 minute and 12 seconds to the start of "Back to Cali". Brutal.
"Diamonds from Sierra Leone" Featuring Jay Z
You know how I feel about this song, but the addition of Jay Z on the remix actually makes it a little better. Maybe he isn't Parcells.
"We Major" Featuring Nas (ugh) and some other black guy
Yuck. Too much. But it does feature the line "Feeling better than some head on a Sunday afternoon/better than a girl who says yes to soon"
"Skit #3"
I like how they don't even have titles, it's just "Skit".
"Hey Mama"
The standard rapper's "mama" song. How do these guys mom's feel about them singing about getting head on a sunday afternoon? My mom wouldn't like hearing that. This is a cool song though. Good sample again, but he kept it more simple on this one.
"Celebration"
He sings on this one. He's not a singer. Jon Brion should've given this one to Fiona.
"Skit #4"
When will it end?
"Gone" Featuring Consequence and Cam'ron
If up to this point you're confused as to what a Jon Brion song sounds like, listen to this. It's typical. But this is a solid combination. And for some reason I always like Cam'ron, but I've never, ever bought one of his albums. Plus, I must say he's quite good looking. Why isn't he a bigger star? I don't know. But maybe the fact that I've never bought one of his albums explains it.
"Diamonds from Sierra Leone"
Hmmm, that's interesting...no, it still sucks.
"Late"
My Itunes lists this as a "hidden track". This is a perfect last song for the album because it represents everything it is. It's clever, well put together, interesting, and yet, pretty unsatisfying and not something you want to listen to that much. I think Kanye is similar to Eminem, in that both guys are really smart and truly amazing artists. While Kanye is a much better producer, Eminem is a much better rapper. But they both make songs that are good, sometimes great, but neither makes songs I want to listen to a million times over again (like Dre does). They'll each have 2 or 3 songs on their albums that are really catchy, and the rest of the songs will be smart and solid and impressive, but not at all fun.
After that album came out, it has steadily become apparent that Kanye is just a touch insane. He's had some interesting public outbursts (the most recent being on the NBC telethon to raise money for hurricane relief, where he said that the Red Cross ordered all black people shot - or something like that). He may just be too much of an "artiste" for his own good (think R. Kelly). It's not a stretch to imagine him one day on an award show, play acting the lyrics to one of his songs without singing the actual words. But it doesn't matter right now, this guy is very good at what he does. I dare say he is, in fact, a genius. If I know that Kanye has produced a song on someone else's album, I can listen to the album and immediately pick out which song it is. His beats and arrangements just sound more professional and plain better than almost everyone else. And maybe his first album was even better than I thought it was because there weren't shitty tracks around it for me to compare them too. I don't know.
It's interesting to note that the more success he has, the worse Jay Z looks. I compare Kanye West and Jay Z to Bill Belichek and Bill Parcells. Bill Parcells was once regarded as the NFL's best football coach. While having his huge success, his defensive coordinator was a guy named Bill Belichek. But then Belichek left Parcells to be a head coach himself, and ever since Belichek has been winning Super Bowl after Super Bowl, while Parcells has been doing God's work and making the Cowboys shitty. So now people are rethinking how good of a coach Parcell's actually was. Was it him, or was it Belichek? Well, for many years Kanye West was the man behind Jay Z. He made a lot of his beats, and he's such a great writer, you know he had to be writing a lot of rhymes too. So was Jay Z really that great, or was it because he had Kanye hidden in his pocket? Debate amongst yourselves.
So now it's time for Kanye's second album. And in the tradition of "Through the Wire", his first single was the crap ass "Diamonds from Sierra Leone". I hate that fucking song. I have no idea why he released it first. But true to his pattern, the second single released was "Gold Digger". I love that fucking song. Everyone loves that fucking song. So I, along with 1.7 million other people, bought the album. I downloaded it from ITunes, so I don't have the liner notes or anything, but I've heard a few things. So with that knowledge (or lack thereof), here is a review:
Track 1: "Wakeup Mr. West"
Okay, this guy does too many "skits" on his albums. Why do rappers do this? Do we buy their albums for the comedy? No, we buy them for the exploitation of gang violence. Stick to that, and let me write the crappy comedy sketches. However, if this is an imitation of Bernie Mac, it's okay, if it's actually Bernie Mac, then it's very disturbing.
Track 2: "Heard 'em Say" Featuring Adam Levine (of Maroon 5)
This should be the 3rd single. I really like it (see? combination of rap and r&b). Jon Brion did a lot of producing on this album, and right out of a gate we get some of his shit. To me, he's a one trick pony. Luckily, that trick is a pretty good one. That repetitive piano thing can be heard on any Aimee Mann album, Fiona Apple's stuff, and every PT Anderson film. You can also see it at Largo every weekend on Fairfax. Moving on, this is also an inspirational song to me, because the lead singer from Maroon 5 sings on it. Why is this inspirational? Because that dude is just an average jewish kid from Brentwood High School, and now he's singing on a huge rap album. That was my dream, motherfucker! And he did it! Where your born in this country makes a huge difference in your future. I know this is obvious but follow along: if that kid had been born in Sheboygan, Wisconson, or Moraga, California, he'd probably be working in a mill somewhwere or at best writing for a crappy show on Comedy Central. Lucky falsetto bastard.
Track 3: "Touch the Sky"
Very horny. I mean, there's lots of horns on this. Sort of like on that one Beyonce song. I don't like it that much, but this song is pretty good because it has a lot of energy and is a little catchy. It could be the next single, but it's not better than the song with my jewish idol.
Track 4: "Gold Digger"
You can't not love it. I don't know how good of a rapper Kanye is, but he has a distinctive voice and he's just simply a terrific writer. "You can see him playing football/any given sunday/win the Super Bowl and drive off in a Hyundae". Come on, that's awesome. And I'm now convinced that if Ray Charles had been born in the '70's, he'd be Nate Dogg.
Track 5: "Skit #1"
Skits!!! Get over yourself, dude! I'll say it again: just make music and let me do the bad comedy.
Track 6: "Drive Slow"
A solid rap song, the kind the crossover audience (re: my sister Lisa) that buys this album will quickly learn to skip over. It's reminiscent of the kind of songs 2pac has made since he died.
Track 7: "My Way Home" Featuring Common
This song could've been good, but Common raps on it. And he sucks. He's a good writer, but the dude can't rap. If I wanted to listen to poetry, I'd go to one of those places I used to see in movies from the 90's where people would drink coffee and then get up and read poetry.
Track 8: "Crack Music" Featuring Game
I'm not a big fan of Game, and I don't like this song. There's too much going on and there's absolutely no flow to it. It feels loaded with ideas but half-finished, kinda like any Charlie Kaufman movie.
"Roses"
Again, no flow. The music starts, and then it stops while he raps. I like when the beat stop for a line, but here the beat stops for the whole verse. Let me get the shoulders moving a little bit, son. Let me groove. Lots of good stuff in here, but it's not made into a cool song. Sometimes you have to stop being so clever and just make music.
"Bring Me Down" (featuring Brandy)
Sometimes songs are just so fricking "important" that they're kinda good, but you never want to listen to them again. It's like the contrast between Eminem's voting song versus "Don't Cha". You know Eminem's song is important, and it's pretty good, but when you're in the car, dammit if you don't want "Don't Cha" banging through the speakers. This song isn't that important, and it isn't that good, and Brandy is on it.
"Addiction"
This song is kinda important and kinda good. Good sample. Not a great song, but enjoyable.
"Skit #2"
Fuck! The saving grace of these skits is that they don't bleed into the songs. You can easily skip over them. It's when they're on the same track that it kills you. Puffy almost killed Biggie's "Life After Death" with those fucking skits. You would always have to fast forward 1 minute and 12 seconds to the start of "Back to Cali". Brutal.
"Diamonds from Sierra Leone" Featuring Jay Z
You know how I feel about this song, but the addition of Jay Z on the remix actually makes it a little better. Maybe he isn't Parcells.
"We Major" Featuring Nas (ugh) and some other black guy
Yuck. Too much. But it does feature the line "Feeling better than some head on a Sunday afternoon/better than a girl who says yes to soon"
"Skit #3"
I like how they don't even have titles, it's just "Skit".
"Hey Mama"
The standard rapper's "mama" song. How do these guys mom's feel about them singing about getting head on a sunday afternoon? My mom wouldn't like hearing that. This is a cool song though. Good sample again, but he kept it more simple on this one.
"Celebration"
He sings on this one. He's not a singer. Jon Brion should've given this one to Fiona.
"Skit #4"
When will it end?
"Gone" Featuring Consequence and Cam'ron
If up to this point you're confused as to what a Jon Brion song sounds like, listen to this. It's typical. But this is a solid combination. And for some reason I always like Cam'ron, but I've never, ever bought one of his albums. Plus, I must say he's quite good looking. Why isn't he a bigger star? I don't know. But maybe the fact that I've never bought one of his albums explains it.
"Diamonds from Sierra Leone"
Hmmm, that's interesting...no, it still sucks.
"Late"
My Itunes lists this as a "hidden track". This is a perfect last song for the album because it represents everything it is. It's clever, well put together, interesting, and yet, pretty unsatisfying and not something you want to listen to that much. I think Kanye is similar to Eminem, in that both guys are really smart and truly amazing artists. While Kanye is a much better producer, Eminem is a much better rapper. But they both make songs that are good, sometimes great, but neither makes songs I want to listen to a million times over again (like Dre does). They'll each have 2 or 3 songs on their albums that are really catchy, and the rest of the songs will be smart and solid and impressive, but not at all fun.
Saturday, September 03, 2005
National Disaster
It's been crazy watching the footage of our latest national disaster on TV this week. So sad to see something that was once so great get reduced to practically nothing. The footage of these poor, black people in a situation gone completely mad is hard to watch. You find yourself wondering: is this really America? Are these really Americans? Why doesn't somebody do something? Why aren't there people around to help them out? It breaks your heart to see people suffering like this, especially when you imagine how things used to be. You can only hope that they can rebuild their lives, but until then, that situation is completely fucked up.
And those are my thoughts on this week's "Being Bobby Brown" marathon.
And those are my thoughts on this week's "Being Bobby Brown" marathon.
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