Strawberry (straw-bear-ee)
1. A pop culture reference that is out of date.
I like to make up catchphrases, and I am particularly proud of the term strawberry. I created while working on the Mencia show. We were trying to come up with a joke for something that involved drug use and athletics. My buddy Chris, who is a terrific writer, pitched out a joke that involved Darryl Strawberry. Darryl Strawberry has been retired for a number of years, and I can't exactly remember the last time he was involved in a drug related incident. So after he pitched it, I looked at him and said "Why don't you just include Amy Fisher and the Menendez brothers while you're at it?" He looked at me and said: "Strawberry's a little old, huh?" And henceforth, the term Strawberry was born.
For the rest of the season, this is a slightly exagerated version of what would happen in the writer's room:
Writer 1: "So the joke right now is, 'that beaner is so retarded he should kill himself.' Anyone have a better joke for this?"
Writer 2: "How about, 'that beaner is so retarded that he should return some glasses to Nicole Simpson's house'".
Writer 3: Dude, that's so strawberry!
Writer 1: Even when Strawberry wasn't strawberry, that was strawberry. That's a forefather of Strawberry!
Writer 3: That joke makes Strawberry look like Barry Bonds!
Now, something that I keep seeing that is so fricking strawberry it's crazy is the answering machine. Do you have an answering machine? Does anyone you know have an answering machine? No. You have voice mail, and so does everyone else you know.
Then why does everyone in the movies and TV have answering machines?!? It's a key component in Shopgirl, The Interpreter, and a million other things I've seen lately. Answering machines are strawberry! No one has them. But you know who pretends to have them? Lazy ass writers, that's who. It's such an easy device for comedy and putting out information, that writers just cannot let go. Why don't they just have characters wear LA Gear, use a Zack Morris cell phone, and get a Bobby Brown "Gumby" haircut why they're at it?
So next time you see this in a movie or TV show, and you will see it, tell whoever you're with how strawberry it is and maybe this whole strawberry thing will catch on. The blacks have owned this catchprase business for too long, it's time for a half-jew to get in on the action. Think of it: Dis, crunk, holla, fo' shizzle...strawberry!
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
My Bio
Lion's Gate informed me that I needed to submit a "Bio" for the publicity department. They needed a couple sentences for the packets they are sending out for the movie. Here is the bio I gave them, which I'm sure you will be seeing in Entertainment Weekly, People Magazine, the New York Times, etc.:
"Irwin Handleman is a screenwriter from the small town of Moraga, California. His credits include such high brow fare as "The Soup" on E! and "Mind of Mencia" on Comedy Central. He does not eat Asian food, loves the music of R. Kelly, and hates all animals."
It's sad to see how quickly and easily I can be summed up. But I am content with being a simple man...
"Irwin Handleman is a screenwriter from the small town of Moraga, California. His credits include such high brow fare as "The Soup" on E! and "Mind of Mencia" on Comedy Central. He does not eat Asian food, loves the music of R. Kelly, and hates all animals."
It's sad to see how quickly and easily I can be summed up. But I am content with being a simple man...
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Women Are Hypocrites
Hey everyone, Michael Jordan is back! Didn't you miss him? Of course you did, he's God, and now he's come back to us! You see, after he retired from basketball he's gotten out of the spotlight and into his family life. And he's loved this family life thing so much that now he's going on every show to say how great it is to live out of the spotlight! It's fantastic - the spotlight is such an ugly, ugly place to be in, it's so much better living with the wife and the kids and having no one pay attention to you. It's so great, in fact, that Michael had to come back into the spotlight to tell us how great it is!
Okay, first of all, why does Michael Jordan write a book? Doesn't he have enough money? What does he need all this crap for? Why would you want to answer questions about your gambling and your dad getting murdered over and over again? There is something really sick about someone who does this voluntarily.
But no, this isn't about how crazy it is that MJ would want to sell books - my guess is that he's raising money for his future divorce. Writing a book is like the celebrity version of cheerleaders doing a car wash. What this is about is the fact that a couple of years ago his wife actually filed for divorce. Hmmm, why would Juanita Jordan want a divorce? The answer, of course, is that MJ is just like every other big time athlete not named AC Green - he's a cheating motherfucker.
I don't care that he's a cheating motherfucker, I assumed it. But a couple of years ago, people did care, remember? It was in the tabloids. A lot. Jordan had an affair with the same woman since 1989, 3 months after he got married, and then tried to pay the girl off. Now let's be honest, the chances that this was Jordan's only affair during that time are about as good as TomKat Jr. being produced through hot, passionate, heterosexual sex. In other words, it's not likely that Jordan only had one "lady friend". Now I'm not mad at him. He's MJ! In my opinion, he should be given a free pass to fuck everyone he wants. There was even a point in the mid-nineties where I would've fucked him! He's number 23, man!
This recent Jordan resurrection has proved once and for all how great this guy is. No one has ever pulled a better PR stunt than what he's doing. It's like he has that little wand from Men In Black and has made everyone forget about that divorce ugliness. He's used this betting thing like Bush uses terror alerts. Don't look at what's going on over here, look at this monkey over here! And it's working! Oprah is looking at the monkey!
Yes, you Oprah. The representation of all things woman. Shouldn't she and her minions hate Jordan? Isn't this what is supposed to happen? Is this yet another girl lie - like "I want someone with a sense of humor" or "Please don't do anything for me on Valentine's Day - where we men have to figure out the riddle? Is it actually okay to be a cheating motherfucker? Why am I always the last to know these things? Or maybe, just maybe, you're allowed to be a cheating motherfucker if you can knock down the open jumper.
Okay, I know what my mom and my sisters are saying right now: oh, he's Michael and that was a long time ago, and all these guys cheat but you kinda have to let it go because he is who he is, and we love Oprah and we love Michael so let us enjoy them together and it's harmless. All right, women, let me direct you to exhibit A (from The Smoking Gun):
On September 2, 1989, Jordan married his wife, Juanita. However, Jordan and Karla held their long-distance talks both before and after his marriage. After learning about Jordan's marriage, Karla asked him why he still wanted to meet her. Among other things, Jordan told her not to be worried about his marriage, that he had a "business arrangement" with Mrs. Jordan, that he considered Mrs. Jordan to be "hired help" and that his agent and manager, David Falk, advised him to marry Juanita in order to maintain his favorable public image...
So what does Oprah say to that? Well, there's only one thing she could say: (screaming) Here's the new line from the JORDAN COLLECTION!!! You get a Nike sweatshirt, and you get a Nike sweatshirt, and you get a Nike sweatshirt!
And I thought the 63 he scored in the Garden was impressive.
Okay, first of all, why does Michael Jordan write a book? Doesn't he have enough money? What does he need all this crap for? Why would you want to answer questions about your gambling and your dad getting murdered over and over again? There is something really sick about someone who does this voluntarily.
But no, this isn't about how crazy it is that MJ would want to sell books - my guess is that he's raising money for his future divorce. Writing a book is like the celebrity version of cheerleaders doing a car wash. What this is about is the fact that a couple of years ago his wife actually filed for divorce. Hmmm, why would Juanita Jordan want a divorce? The answer, of course, is that MJ is just like every other big time athlete not named AC Green - he's a cheating motherfucker.
I don't care that he's a cheating motherfucker, I assumed it. But a couple of years ago, people did care, remember? It was in the tabloids. A lot. Jordan had an affair with the same woman since 1989, 3 months after he got married, and then tried to pay the girl off. Now let's be honest, the chances that this was Jordan's only affair during that time are about as good as TomKat Jr. being produced through hot, passionate, heterosexual sex. In other words, it's not likely that Jordan only had one "lady friend". Now I'm not mad at him. He's MJ! In my opinion, he should be given a free pass to fuck everyone he wants. There was even a point in the mid-nineties where I would've fucked him! He's number 23, man!
This recent Jordan resurrection has proved once and for all how great this guy is. No one has ever pulled a better PR stunt than what he's doing. It's like he has that little wand from Men In Black and has made everyone forget about that divorce ugliness. He's used this betting thing like Bush uses terror alerts. Don't look at what's going on over here, look at this monkey over here! And it's working! Oprah is looking at the monkey!
Yes, you Oprah. The representation of all things woman. Shouldn't she and her minions hate Jordan? Isn't this what is supposed to happen? Is this yet another girl lie - like "I want someone with a sense of humor" or "Please don't do anything for me on Valentine's Day - where we men have to figure out the riddle? Is it actually okay to be a cheating motherfucker? Why am I always the last to know these things? Or maybe, just maybe, you're allowed to be a cheating motherfucker if you can knock down the open jumper.
Okay, I know what my mom and my sisters are saying right now: oh, he's Michael and that was a long time ago, and all these guys cheat but you kinda have to let it go because he is who he is, and we love Oprah and we love Michael so let us enjoy them together and it's harmless. All right, women, let me direct you to exhibit A (from The Smoking Gun):
On September 2, 1989, Jordan married his wife, Juanita. However, Jordan and Karla held their long-distance talks both before and after his marriage. After learning about Jordan's marriage, Karla asked him why he still wanted to meet her. Among other things, Jordan told her not to be worried about his marriage, that he had a "business arrangement" with Mrs. Jordan, that he considered Mrs. Jordan to be "hired help" and that his agent and manager, David Falk, advised him to marry Juanita in order to maintain his favorable public image...
So what does Oprah say to that? Well, there's only one thing she could say: (screaming) Here's the new line from the JORDAN COLLECTION!!! You get a Nike sweatshirt, and you get a Nike sweatshirt, and you get a Nike sweatshirt!
And I thought the 63 he scored in the Garden was impressive.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
The Song "My Humps": Listen or Turn the Station?
I've never understood this thing where people are a fan of a little known group or show or whatever, and then that thing gets hugely popular, and because of that newfound popularity all of the original fans get pissed because their beloved thing "sold out". Like, for example, Green Day fans don't like it when that band got really popular. They claim that "punk" is not supposed to be popular. If you like it why wouldn't the rest of the world like it? But isn't this what you want? When you're loving their shit and no one else is noticing, don't you get pissed and wonder why the world isn't noticing? Do you like it because it sucks? I don't think so. And isn't the band's intention to get huge? Nothing makes me happier then when yet another one of R. Kelly's albums go platinum. I'm not selfish, I can share R. with the world!
Now, I do understand that cool feeling when you know about something that no one else does and you feel like you're in a special club. For example, I felt like I was the only guy who knew about Dave Chappelle forever - I loved his standup, I checked for his lame sitcom in the '90's and watched the 2 episodes of it that aired, etc - but then it was cool when his show blew up. And I could go on and on about the greatness of the HBO "Unscripted", but since the network only has room for 1 show about Hollywood that gets no ratings, I guess it will always be my little secret.
This has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time (another pet peeve: people who say pet peeve), but now this song "My Humps" has come along and changed things a little.
You see, the Black Eyed Peas used to be this cool little hip hop group. And one of the guys in the group, Will.I.Am (yes, that's his name, shut up), is actually a very talented producer/writer. They would make pretty good albums that no one really noticed that much and were looking to head in the direction of The Pharcyde and Dilated Peoples, etc.
But as I said, these guys were actually kinda good and smart. So what did they do? They hired a girl. A hot girl (okay, this is a huge side issue, but I've never thought Fergie is hot, never. Yet people seem to think she is, so I'm going with them at this point, but please, look at her, she's not hot at all. Thank you.). A hot girl who could sing. Rap tends to be a lot more commercial - but have a lot less cred - when a hot girl is singing the "hooks". And then they made a song called "Let's Get Retarded" and it was really catchy. But for some reason, "retarded" is offensive to people - not to retards but more to the people who are intensly worried about retards. So they changed the fricking song to "Let's Get It Started" and the rest, as they say, is history.
Okay, I can understand original BEP's fans bitterness about all of this. Yes, they've gotten more popular and now make lots of money and are heard by millions. But really, they have a clear track record of selling out. See, Green Day didn't really sell out. They just have the unfortunate ability to make songs that 12 year old girls love. But BEP's, they consciously made the decision to sell out and that is something to be pissed about, because they are no longer the group that they originally were. Whatever, good for them I guess, they're making lots of money and now going out with Josh Duhamel now. But I respect anyone who hates them because clearly they are very contrived.
So, "My Humps", which I'm sure at this point all of you have heard. This song is definitely in "Don't Cha" territory, where it might just be so bad it's good.
My head tells me that this song is so patently ridiculous that it should not be listened to just on principle. I mean, who the fuck refers to their ass/boobs as humps? Or lumps for that matter? That's not something people say! That's insane. How dare they! But my heart tells me that this shit is catchy, and anyone who has the nerve to make up sayings that aren't sayings needs to be listened to at least once.
Objectively, it is a well put together song. There's actually a lot going on, and a lot of "catchy" elements. There's only problem: Every time Fergie says the "My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps" part, I feel the same way as when the girl from Pussycat Dolls says "Don't chaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", but maybe a little worse. It makes me want to rip off my big toes and shove them into my ears. If they had just said something else, I think I'd really like the song. But the humps part makes it truly unlistenable.
"My Humps" is the ultimate sell out song. You know why? Because it's a gimmick song from a group that is well established. Gimmick songs are by one hit wonders. When you get established as a group, you don't have to do gimmicks, you can expand as an "artist". You can do shit that's less commercial, the shit you've always wanted to do that might not appeal to "tweens" but just appeals to your artistic sensibility. But no. These guys made it, and now they're looking to do even more commercial shit. That's incredible. They already know where their artistic shit got them, and it wasn't TRL. So there's no reason to go back to that, it's just pure pop songs now from here on out.
Please turn the station. Please.
Now, I do understand that cool feeling when you know about something that no one else does and you feel like you're in a special club. For example, I felt like I was the only guy who knew about Dave Chappelle forever - I loved his standup, I checked for his lame sitcom in the '90's and watched the 2 episodes of it that aired, etc - but then it was cool when his show blew up. And I could go on and on about the greatness of the HBO "Unscripted", but since the network only has room for 1 show about Hollywood that gets no ratings, I guess it will always be my little secret.
This has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time (another pet peeve: people who say pet peeve), but now this song "My Humps" has come along and changed things a little.
You see, the Black Eyed Peas used to be this cool little hip hop group. And one of the guys in the group, Will.I.Am (yes, that's his name, shut up), is actually a very talented producer/writer. They would make pretty good albums that no one really noticed that much and were looking to head in the direction of The Pharcyde and Dilated Peoples, etc.
But as I said, these guys were actually kinda good and smart. So what did they do? They hired a girl. A hot girl (okay, this is a huge side issue, but I've never thought Fergie is hot, never. Yet people seem to think she is, so I'm going with them at this point, but please, look at her, she's not hot at all. Thank you.). A hot girl who could sing. Rap tends to be a lot more commercial - but have a lot less cred - when a hot girl is singing the "hooks". And then they made a song called "Let's Get Retarded" and it was really catchy. But for some reason, "retarded" is offensive to people - not to retards but more to the people who are intensly worried about retards. So they changed the fricking song to "Let's Get It Started" and the rest, as they say, is history.
Okay, I can understand original BEP's fans bitterness about all of this. Yes, they've gotten more popular and now make lots of money and are heard by millions. But really, they have a clear track record of selling out. See, Green Day didn't really sell out. They just have the unfortunate ability to make songs that 12 year old girls love. But BEP's, they consciously made the decision to sell out and that is something to be pissed about, because they are no longer the group that they originally were. Whatever, good for them I guess, they're making lots of money and now going out with Josh Duhamel now. But I respect anyone who hates them because clearly they are very contrived.
So, "My Humps", which I'm sure at this point all of you have heard. This song is definitely in "Don't Cha" territory, where it might just be so bad it's good.
My head tells me that this song is so patently ridiculous that it should not be listened to just on principle. I mean, who the fuck refers to their ass/boobs as humps? Or lumps for that matter? That's not something people say! That's insane. How dare they! But my heart tells me that this shit is catchy, and anyone who has the nerve to make up sayings that aren't sayings needs to be listened to at least once.
Objectively, it is a well put together song. There's actually a lot going on, and a lot of "catchy" elements. There's only problem: Every time Fergie says the "My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps" part, I feel the same way as when the girl from Pussycat Dolls says "Don't chaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", but maybe a little worse. It makes me want to rip off my big toes and shove them into my ears. If they had just said something else, I think I'd really like the song. But the humps part makes it truly unlistenable.
"My Humps" is the ultimate sell out song. You know why? Because it's a gimmick song from a group that is well established. Gimmick songs are by one hit wonders. When you get established as a group, you don't have to do gimmicks, you can expand as an "artist". You can do shit that's less commercial, the shit you've always wanted to do that might not appeal to "tweens" but just appeals to your artistic sensibility. But no. These guys made it, and now they're looking to do even more commercial shit. That's incredible. They already know where their artistic shit got them, and it wasn't TRL. So there's no reason to go back to that, it's just pure pop songs now from here on out.
Please turn the station. Please.
Friday, October 21, 2005
"The Surreal Life - Year 2035" - Episode One
FADE IN ON:
THE SURREAL LIFE OPENING
EXT. THE SURREAL LIFE HOUSE - ESTABLISHING
Another sunny day in LA, and the light shines down on a beautiful, Ty Pennington'd designed mansion somewhere in the Hollywood Hills.
CHYRON: 30 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
INT. THE SURREAL LIFE HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY
Seven people sit around the living room on couches and chairs, forming a circle. These are the latest "celebrities" to appear on the Surreal Life, and they've just moved in and are introducing themselves.
The leader of the group is a mishapen woman with a huge head and even huger dimples. Her name is MATTY AFFLECK.
MATTY
Hey everybody, I think it would be a good idea if we just, you know, introduced ourselves just in case we don't all know each other.
(BEAT)
My name is Matty Affleck, I'm the daughter of Ben and Jennifer Affleck...
Everybody looks around, very confused.
MATTY
Oh, um, so my dad was this actor who was like, really popular for no reason in the late nineties, and then got engaged to a Puerto Rican with a huge ass - no surprise there, the huge ass, I mean - and his career was never the same. And my mom was an actress who was on this show called Alias and people got really confused and thought since the show was popular that people liked her, but then the producers killed off Michael Vartan and then nobody watched and people found out that no one actually liked her.
ALL
Hi Matty!
MATTY
I was named after my dad's first boyfriend, and like most of you, I'm here because my parents left me with a huge bank account, virtually no talent, and a legacy of shame. Who wants to go next?
The person sitting next to Matty has a towel covering their head, it is impossible to tell who or what this person is. But a female sounding voice comes out from behind the towel.
BLANKET
Yo, what's up? My name's Prince Michael Jackson the Second, but my niggaz call me Blanket.
ALL
Hi Blanket!
MATTY
Um, Blanket, I don't mean to be rude, but are you a guy or a girl?
BLANKET
My name's Blanket, fool, what do you think?
No one knows what that means.
BLANKET
Anyway, my dad's, of course, Michael Jackson.
MATTY
So that means...
BLANKET
Yeah, my mom's Jonathan Lipnicki Jr., so step the fuck off.
(BEAT)
I'm not like the rest of you punk asses, I'm here cause I got talents and it's time for this bitch ass country to recognize. I wanna be the first towel faced, transgender rapper to tizear up the wizorld.
MATTY
Um, Blanket, just so you know, black people stopped talking in that Snoop language in 2002, and white people stopped doing it in 2010.
BLANKET
Shut the fuck up, bitch.
Matty nods and smiles.
MATTY
Okay then, who's next?
HENRY
I'll go.
They all turn to a large black man, who has two large gashes carved into his face and two big tits.
BLANKET
What the fuck are you?
HENRY
My name is Henry, Henry Klum Seal.
BLANKET
Jesus Chrizist, and I thought I was fucked up.
HENRY
They say I got the best of both of my parents qualities. I guess they don't go too good together.
MATTY
I don't think huge carvings in the face were ever good.
HENRY
My dad fucked Heidi Klum with this shit!
BLANKET
Ew. That's gross.
Someone coughs, but it sounds like "(Cough) Faggot (Cough)".
HENRY
And I can't get any action.
MATTY
Look at the bright side, at least you have your own tits to play with.
(BEAT)
Who's up?
An old wrinkley woman with gigantic fake boobs and thinning hair raises her freckly hand.
LINDSAY
Hi, my name is Lindsay Lohan.
ALL
Hi Lindsay!
MATTY
Welcome to the Surreal Life House.
LINDSAY
Actually, I'm not even on the show. I just dropped in to see if anyone had some meth.
Everyone shakes their head.
LINDSAY
Oh, okay, guess I'll just have to blow Wilmer Valderrama's kid again. Later.
She exits.
SEAN
Hey y'all, I'm Sean Preston Spears Federline, yo!
They all turn to a scruffy, beer-bellied, camo shorts with wife beater, hat on sideways white trash guy.
ALL
Hi, Sean Preston Spears Federline!
SEAN
I can't rap like Blanket or anything, actually I can't really sing or dance or do nothing like that, but what I can do is eat mad Cheetos, yo!
Everyone applauds.
SEAN
And I've got lots of black brothas and sistas, so you know I keep it real, y'all!
TOMKAT takes over - like Blanket, Tomkat is of undicernable gender, but one thing is for sure, he/she is very, very pretty.
TOMKAT
Oh my God! Sean, we have so much in common! I inexplicably have black brothers and sisters too! Hi everyone, I'm Tomkat.
ALL
Hi Tomkat!
TOMKAT
My parents are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but the woman who raised me was Isabella, their mexican maid. And I've never found out who my biological parents are, but my dad tells me I was delivered via a Torfur level 2 spaceship straight from the L. Ron Hubbard star system of Zenon.
MATTY
That's awesome. All right, last but not least is that little thing in the corner. You haven't said much, what's your name?
Matty is referring to a tiny fetus in the rocking chair. It has a miniature pink skirt on and pearls around it's neck.
PARIS HILTON'S ABORTED FETUS
Hi, I'm Paris Hilton's Aborted Fetus.
ALL
Hi, Paris Hilton's Aborted Fetus!
PARIS HILTON'S ABORTED FETUS
I have many half brothers and sisters, but most of them didn't make it. Fortunately, I was created by the super sperm of Tom Sizemore, former Chicago Bear linebacker Brian Uhrlacher, and some dude at rest stop 68 in Bakersfield. Their sperm joined forces and created me and allowed me to survive my mother's inevitable attempted abortion.
MATTY
Wow, congratulations.
PARIS HILTON'S ABORTED FETUS
Thanks. Unfortunately, I think I have that Gary Coleman/guy from Fantasy Island disease where I like, can't get big or anything. And also, I was born with Genital Warts.
MATTY
Well, it's great to meet all of you and I'm just sure that we're all going to get along great!
ANNOUNCER VO
On the next episode of The Surreal Life - Year 2035...
(BEAT)
The gang has to compete in an American Idol style contest against a group of retarded kids...
(BEAT)
And Blanket gets caught molesting one of them...
(BEAT)
While Sean Preston Spears Federline has trouble with the choreography, Paris Hilton's Aborted Fetus has trouble containing a genital warts outbreak! It's all next week on...The Surreal Life!
FADE OUT
THE SURREAL LIFE OPENING
EXT. THE SURREAL LIFE HOUSE - ESTABLISHING
Another sunny day in LA, and the light shines down on a beautiful, Ty Pennington'd designed mansion somewhere in the Hollywood Hills.
CHYRON: 30 YEARS IN THE FUTURE
INT. THE SURREAL LIFE HOUSE/LIVING ROOM - DAY
Seven people sit around the living room on couches and chairs, forming a circle. These are the latest "celebrities" to appear on the Surreal Life, and they've just moved in and are introducing themselves.
The leader of the group is a mishapen woman with a huge head and even huger dimples. Her name is MATTY AFFLECK.
MATTY
Hey everybody, I think it would be a good idea if we just, you know, introduced ourselves just in case we don't all know each other.
(BEAT)
My name is Matty Affleck, I'm the daughter of Ben and Jennifer Affleck...
Everybody looks around, very confused.
MATTY
Oh, um, so my dad was this actor who was like, really popular for no reason in the late nineties, and then got engaged to a Puerto Rican with a huge ass - no surprise there, the huge ass, I mean - and his career was never the same. And my mom was an actress who was on this show called Alias and people got really confused and thought since the show was popular that people liked her, but then the producers killed off Michael Vartan and then nobody watched and people found out that no one actually liked her.
ALL
Hi Matty!
MATTY
I was named after my dad's first boyfriend, and like most of you, I'm here because my parents left me with a huge bank account, virtually no talent, and a legacy of shame. Who wants to go next?
The person sitting next to Matty has a towel covering their head, it is impossible to tell who or what this person is. But a female sounding voice comes out from behind the towel.
BLANKET
Yo, what's up? My name's Prince Michael Jackson the Second, but my niggaz call me Blanket.
ALL
Hi Blanket!
MATTY
Um, Blanket, I don't mean to be rude, but are you a guy or a girl?
BLANKET
My name's Blanket, fool, what do you think?
No one knows what that means.
BLANKET
Anyway, my dad's, of course, Michael Jackson.
MATTY
So that means...
BLANKET
Yeah, my mom's Jonathan Lipnicki Jr., so step the fuck off.
(BEAT)
I'm not like the rest of you punk asses, I'm here cause I got talents and it's time for this bitch ass country to recognize. I wanna be the first towel faced, transgender rapper to tizear up the wizorld.
MATTY
Um, Blanket, just so you know, black people stopped talking in that Snoop language in 2002, and white people stopped doing it in 2010.
BLANKET
Shut the fuck up, bitch.
Matty nods and smiles.
MATTY
Okay then, who's next?
HENRY
I'll go.
They all turn to a large black man, who has two large gashes carved into his face and two big tits.
BLANKET
What the fuck are you?
HENRY
My name is Henry, Henry Klum Seal.
BLANKET
Jesus Chrizist, and I thought I was fucked up.
HENRY
They say I got the best of both of my parents qualities. I guess they don't go too good together.
MATTY
I don't think huge carvings in the face were ever good.
HENRY
My dad fucked Heidi Klum with this shit!
BLANKET
Ew. That's gross.
Someone coughs, but it sounds like "(Cough) Faggot (Cough)".
HENRY
And I can't get any action.
MATTY
Look at the bright side, at least you have your own tits to play with.
(BEAT)
Who's up?
An old wrinkley woman with gigantic fake boobs and thinning hair raises her freckly hand.
LINDSAY
Hi, my name is Lindsay Lohan.
ALL
Hi Lindsay!
MATTY
Welcome to the Surreal Life House.
LINDSAY
Actually, I'm not even on the show. I just dropped in to see if anyone had some meth.
Everyone shakes their head.
LINDSAY
Oh, okay, guess I'll just have to blow Wilmer Valderrama's kid again. Later.
She exits.
SEAN
Hey y'all, I'm Sean Preston Spears Federline, yo!
They all turn to a scruffy, beer-bellied, camo shorts with wife beater, hat on sideways white trash guy.
ALL
Hi, Sean Preston Spears Federline!
SEAN
I can't rap like Blanket or anything, actually I can't really sing or dance or do nothing like that, but what I can do is eat mad Cheetos, yo!
Everyone applauds.
SEAN
And I've got lots of black brothas and sistas, so you know I keep it real, y'all!
TOMKAT takes over - like Blanket, Tomkat is of undicernable gender, but one thing is for sure, he/she is very, very pretty.
TOMKAT
Oh my God! Sean, we have so much in common! I inexplicably have black brothers and sisters too! Hi everyone, I'm Tomkat.
ALL
Hi Tomkat!
TOMKAT
My parents are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, but the woman who raised me was Isabella, their mexican maid. And I've never found out who my biological parents are, but my dad tells me I was delivered via a Torfur level 2 spaceship straight from the L. Ron Hubbard star system of Zenon.
MATTY
That's awesome. All right, last but not least is that little thing in the corner. You haven't said much, what's your name?
Matty is referring to a tiny fetus in the rocking chair. It has a miniature pink skirt on and pearls around it's neck.
PARIS HILTON'S ABORTED FETUS
Hi, I'm Paris Hilton's Aborted Fetus.
ALL
Hi, Paris Hilton's Aborted Fetus!
PARIS HILTON'S ABORTED FETUS
I have many half brothers and sisters, but most of them didn't make it. Fortunately, I was created by the super sperm of Tom Sizemore, former Chicago Bear linebacker Brian Uhrlacher, and some dude at rest stop 68 in Bakersfield. Their sperm joined forces and created me and allowed me to survive my mother's inevitable attempted abortion.
MATTY
Wow, congratulations.
PARIS HILTON'S ABORTED FETUS
Thanks. Unfortunately, I think I have that Gary Coleman/guy from Fantasy Island disease where I like, can't get big or anything. And also, I was born with Genital Warts.
MATTY
Well, it's great to meet all of you and I'm just sure that we're all going to get along great!
ANNOUNCER VO
On the next episode of The Surreal Life - Year 2035...
(BEAT)
The gang has to compete in an American Idol style contest against a group of retarded kids...
(BEAT)
And Blanket gets caught molesting one of them...
(BEAT)
While Sean Preston Spears Federline has trouble with the choreography, Paris Hilton's Aborted Fetus has trouble containing a genital warts outbreak! It's all next week on...The Surreal Life!
FADE OUT
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
The PowerBall
I don't play the lottery. It's probably because I don't think it's possible to win in California unless you're a "beaner" (Remember, I have permission to say this from Carlos Mencia and his brother Jesus). But that's kind of weird because I believe every airplane that I fly on is going to crash.
Basically, I feel like I have a 1 in a billion chance of winning the lottery (even less than that if you count the fact that I don't buy a ticket) and a 1 in 1 chance to die in a plane crash. However the experts say that both events have about a 1 in 3 million or so chance of occurring. But I think I will have the last laugh on these so called "experts" when I go down in that fiery wreck over the Pacific Ocean. Suck on that, experts!
What's funny to me about the Powerball is how interest and ticket purchases spike with the announcement (?) that the prize is now at $300 million. What the fuck? Oh, so $200 million isn't a lot of money, but $300 million, ooh, I gotta buy me a ticket!
HICK:
"See with $200, the government takes half with taxes, and I gotta give my lawyer 5 percent, and my agent 10, and my good for nothing daughter a share, and by the time it's finished, I've only got, what, like $50 million dollars! I wouldn't even be able to fill up my new H2 with a tank of gas! But with $300 million, now that's real money!"
Let me just repeat myself because I really find this amazing. So people are sitting around and they know the Powerball is out there every week doing it's thing, and then they hear on TV that the prize is $300 million, and then they go, okay, now I guess it's worth it to me to go win it. I can just imagine the guy going down to 7/11 with his 1 dollar and going: "What's the prize at now?" "Oh, somebody won last week so it's $75 million." "Fuck that shit! I'm waiting to win the real money!" Okay, I'm done.
P.S.
So last night I was parking my car in Santa Monica to go play volleyball and a woman pulled up next to me and asked me if this was parking for the college fair. I told her I had no idea, but I instantly recognized her as Scott and Sue Scanlon's psycho mom from Beverly Hills 90210. You may remember Scott Scanlon as an original cast member who sucked so they did a storyline where he gets into guns and then accidently kills himself with one, and then a few years later his sister grows into a ho and hits on David and then accuses teacher Gil Meyers of molesting her and then Andrea investigates and discovers that Sue's Uncle is really the one molesting her.
For some reason seeing this woman, even though I see her daily on Soap Net, got me really excited.
Now, I've been around a few famous people in my day, but I've never once told anyone that I was a fan of their work or appreciated what they do or anything like that. But for some reason, the sight of this middle aged woman who I DESPISED on 90210 hit a nerve. So I said:
"Did you used to be on 90210?"
"Yes"
"You did a great job, I'm really a big fan."
"Wow. Thank you."
I swear to God I said that.
I am probably one of only about 100 people in the entire world that would recognize this lady, and fate crossed our paths in a little Santa Monica parking lot. But the coolest part about it is that with those few words I most likely made her year. And the saddest part about it is that she most likely made mine.
Basically, I feel like I have a 1 in a billion chance of winning the lottery (even less than that if you count the fact that I don't buy a ticket) and a 1 in 1 chance to die in a plane crash. However the experts say that both events have about a 1 in 3 million or so chance of occurring. But I think I will have the last laugh on these so called "experts" when I go down in that fiery wreck over the Pacific Ocean. Suck on that, experts!
What's funny to me about the Powerball is how interest and ticket purchases spike with the announcement (?) that the prize is now at $300 million. What the fuck? Oh, so $200 million isn't a lot of money, but $300 million, ooh, I gotta buy me a ticket!
HICK:
"See with $200, the government takes half with taxes, and I gotta give my lawyer 5 percent, and my agent 10, and my good for nothing daughter a share, and by the time it's finished, I've only got, what, like $50 million dollars! I wouldn't even be able to fill up my new H2 with a tank of gas! But with $300 million, now that's real money!"
Let me just repeat myself because I really find this amazing. So people are sitting around and they know the Powerball is out there every week doing it's thing, and then they hear on TV that the prize is $300 million, and then they go, okay, now I guess it's worth it to me to go win it. I can just imagine the guy going down to 7/11 with his 1 dollar and going: "What's the prize at now?" "Oh, somebody won last week so it's $75 million." "Fuck that shit! I'm waiting to win the real money!" Okay, I'm done.
P.S.
So last night I was parking my car in Santa Monica to go play volleyball and a woman pulled up next to me and asked me if this was parking for the college fair. I told her I had no idea, but I instantly recognized her as Scott and Sue Scanlon's psycho mom from Beverly Hills 90210. You may remember Scott Scanlon as an original cast member who sucked so they did a storyline where he gets into guns and then accidently kills himself with one, and then a few years later his sister grows into a ho and hits on David and then accuses teacher Gil Meyers of molesting her and then Andrea investigates and discovers that Sue's Uncle is really the one molesting her.
For some reason seeing this woman, even though I see her daily on Soap Net, got me really excited.
Now, I've been around a few famous people in my day, but I've never once told anyone that I was a fan of their work or appreciated what they do or anything like that. But for some reason, the sight of this middle aged woman who I DESPISED on 90210 hit a nerve. So I said:
"Did you used to be on 90210?"
"Yes"
"You did a great job, I'm really a big fan."
"Wow. Thank you."
I swear to God I said that.
I am probably one of only about 100 people in the entire world that would recognize this lady, and fate crossed our paths in a little Santa Monica parking lot. But the coolest part about it is that with those few words I most likely made her year. And the saddest part about it is that she most likely made mine.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Quote of the Year Nominee
"Every time I've ever tried to help a woman, I've been incarcerated."
--Jose Canseco, The Surreal Life
--Jose Canseco, The Surreal Life
Sunday, October 16, 2005
"Elizabethtown", Co-reviewed by My Penis
"Elizabethtown" was written and directed by Cameron Crowe. I am a big Cameron Crowe fan, mostly because of "Fast Times", "Say Anything", "Jerry McGuire", and "Almost Famous", and not because of "Vanilla Sky". This guy is one of the few people who gets a lot of attention when one of his "films" comes out. Thus, before the movie came out on Friday we heard a lot of things about it. Some of these things include:
-Ashton Kutcher was fired off of it because he couldn't act
-Orlando Bloom was Crowe's first choice but wasn't available, and then when Kutcher was understandably axed, he was available and was hired
-Crowe screened a long cut at the Toronto Film Festival and it was bashed by every film critic
-Every critic liked "A History of Violence" so obviously we shouldn't listen to them
-Crowe did listen to them, and worked his ass off in the last couple weeks cutting a bunch of stuff from the movie to make it shorter and better
Okay, that's what we've heard. And now I have seen it. Herewith are my thoughts.
I was very wary of Orlando Bloom playing the main character in this movie. First of all, yes he's very pretty, but can he act? Secondly, he has a British accent and is trying to do an "American" accent, and judging from Colin Farrell, that can be a difficult task.
Well, it turns out that Orlando Bloom was the perfect actor to play this role. Why? Because an actor was not needed to play the part. The main character in this movie does NOTHING. Nothing! He does not instigate any action, he is not funny, he is not sweet, he is not cute, he is not interesting...he is not a "character", he is a complete non-entity. To prove it, this is essentially how the movie goes:
-Jessica Biel talks at him
-Alec Baldwin (I LOVE Alec Baldwin! More of him, please) talks at him
-then Susan Sarandon and Judy Greer talk at him
-Kirsten Dunst talks at him
-small town "good ole' boys" talk at him
-Dunst talks at him some more
-good ole' boys talk at him again
-Dunst does stuff for him he doesn't deserve
-the end
How can a movie revolve around someone like this? I don't understand how such an accomplished writer can write something with a main character who does nothing. I've never seen anything like it. This is the kind of thing that really, really pisses me off. Never in my life has a flight attendant talked to me and given me her number when I've acted rude to her (my penis would like to chime in here and say that a flight attendant has never given me her number when I've acted nice either, but that's not the point).
You see, you have to actually do stuff in life to get stuff. Women, especially those working in the service industry, have seen every guy there is to see, have heard every line there is to hear, and are over it. They are jaded. They are bitter. They're like regular hot chicks on steroids. Imagine if Angelina Jolie was a waitress, think she'd get hit on once in awhile? If she lived at home with 12 cats and never went outside, she'd still get hit on twice a day. Put her in a restaurant or in a plane and forget about it. And by the way, Bloom's "character" did not do one thing for the relationship with Dunst. She did everyting. My penis assures you, this is not how real life works.
But it's not just the getting girls part. It's everything in this movie. This character just has stuff happen to him. He doesn't DO anything. Really, an actor wasn't even needed, they could've just shot the movie with the camera looking out to these people and us as the audience serving as the main character. That's how useless the character was. And that's why it was okay that Orlando Bloom played the part, cause dude can't act and didn't need to (though I understand why Kutcher was removed from the movie. I don't think it was the acting so much as the fact that this character had to be serious and sad the whole time, and every time the audience would see Kutcher they'd laugh, ruining the movie). I would've loved to seen a movie about any of the other characters in this movie, well, except for one...
Second ginormous problem with the movie: Kirsten Dunst's character is not, in any way shape or form, a representation of a real person. There is no one on earth like her. No one. She is completely made up. Girls who hit on random dudes on planes who are rude always have one thing in common: they are fucking insane. They usually have kids, they are abused, they are on drugs, they are "cutters", they are anorexic, they are something. They are not wholesome goody goodies just looking for a nice guy. Once again, my penis assures you of this.
I can't even say that this character is one dimensional, she's not even that. All she is there to do is to talk AT the main character. She's not a person. We don't know anything about her, except that she is unattractive...
And now a word on Kirsten Dunst. To be fair, this was an impossible character to play for anyone, because as I've said, she isn't a representative of a real person. To be honest, I couldn't think of an actress who could've played this part well. Just an impossible task with the way it was written, and Kirsten did her best to try and do something with it and I respect that. At least she tried, Bloom on the other hand, doesn't know how to try. However, despite my giving Kirsten an A for effort, I must say that Kirsten Dunst is not a lead actress! She is not someone you would change your whole life for. She is not even cute.
My friend and Mat and I were discussing her, and we came up with the phrase "Female Equator". This means that she inexplicably has boobs so low that her nipples are aligned with her belly button. This phenomenon shall now be known as "the female equator", i don't really know what it means but I know that it's funny so shut up. How old is she? Why does she have old lady boobs? And it's not just me, male chauvinist whatever saying this. I overheard this from a group of girls sitting near me during the movie: "I can't stand looking at her teeth!" Why is this not a problem for Cameron Crowe and the Hollywood establishment? Do you know how many hot girls there are in LA? Use one!
Third problem: the editing. As stated before, Crowe felt the need to serve the idiot critics and cut this movie up. Huge problem. The center of the film is a long conversation Bloom and Dunst have over the phone. This is where cuts were made. Music even comes up over the talking at one point and it turns into a montage. This is always a bad sign. Then later, conversations between Bloom and Dunst barely make sense because they've clearly cut out the important shit that set it up. It's very frustrating. What's more frustrating is that a long "show" scene by Susan Sarandon is left in. And speaking of Sarandon, my penis tells me that he'd rather the female lead be played by her than Dunst. Yes, he'd rather have sex with 50 year old Sarandon than 23 year old Dunst. Hey, they both have the female equator.
In summation, this movie is a complete mess. What saves it from being a total disaster is the fact that Cameron Crowe wrote it. The guy is clearly a genius. He's terrific at making "moments", and the tertiary characters, ironically enough, are good characters. Too bad the main ones suck.
-Ashton Kutcher was fired off of it because he couldn't act
-Orlando Bloom was Crowe's first choice but wasn't available, and then when Kutcher was understandably axed, he was available and was hired
-Crowe screened a long cut at the Toronto Film Festival and it was bashed by every film critic
-Every critic liked "A History of Violence" so obviously we shouldn't listen to them
-Crowe did listen to them, and worked his ass off in the last couple weeks cutting a bunch of stuff from the movie to make it shorter and better
Okay, that's what we've heard. And now I have seen it. Herewith are my thoughts.
I was very wary of Orlando Bloom playing the main character in this movie. First of all, yes he's very pretty, but can he act? Secondly, he has a British accent and is trying to do an "American" accent, and judging from Colin Farrell, that can be a difficult task.
Well, it turns out that Orlando Bloom was the perfect actor to play this role. Why? Because an actor was not needed to play the part. The main character in this movie does NOTHING. Nothing! He does not instigate any action, he is not funny, he is not sweet, he is not cute, he is not interesting...he is not a "character", he is a complete non-entity. To prove it, this is essentially how the movie goes:
-Jessica Biel talks at him
-Alec Baldwin (I LOVE Alec Baldwin! More of him, please) talks at him
-then Susan Sarandon and Judy Greer talk at him
-Kirsten Dunst talks at him
-small town "good ole' boys" talk at him
-Dunst talks at him some more
-good ole' boys talk at him again
-Dunst does stuff for him he doesn't deserve
-the end
How can a movie revolve around someone like this? I don't understand how such an accomplished writer can write something with a main character who does nothing. I've never seen anything like it. This is the kind of thing that really, really pisses me off. Never in my life has a flight attendant talked to me and given me her number when I've acted rude to her (my penis would like to chime in here and say that a flight attendant has never given me her number when I've acted nice either, but that's not the point).
You see, you have to actually do stuff in life to get stuff. Women, especially those working in the service industry, have seen every guy there is to see, have heard every line there is to hear, and are over it. They are jaded. They are bitter. They're like regular hot chicks on steroids. Imagine if Angelina Jolie was a waitress, think she'd get hit on once in awhile? If she lived at home with 12 cats and never went outside, she'd still get hit on twice a day. Put her in a restaurant or in a plane and forget about it. And by the way, Bloom's "character" did not do one thing for the relationship with Dunst. She did everyting. My penis assures you, this is not how real life works.
But it's not just the getting girls part. It's everything in this movie. This character just has stuff happen to him. He doesn't DO anything. Really, an actor wasn't even needed, they could've just shot the movie with the camera looking out to these people and us as the audience serving as the main character. That's how useless the character was. And that's why it was okay that Orlando Bloom played the part, cause dude can't act and didn't need to (though I understand why Kutcher was removed from the movie. I don't think it was the acting so much as the fact that this character had to be serious and sad the whole time, and every time the audience would see Kutcher they'd laugh, ruining the movie). I would've loved to seen a movie about any of the other characters in this movie, well, except for one...
Second ginormous problem with the movie: Kirsten Dunst's character is not, in any way shape or form, a representation of a real person. There is no one on earth like her. No one. She is completely made up. Girls who hit on random dudes on planes who are rude always have one thing in common: they are fucking insane. They usually have kids, they are abused, they are on drugs, they are "cutters", they are anorexic, they are something. They are not wholesome goody goodies just looking for a nice guy. Once again, my penis assures you of this.
I can't even say that this character is one dimensional, she's not even that. All she is there to do is to talk AT the main character. She's not a person. We don't know anything about her, except that she is unattractive...
And now a word on Kirsten Dunst. To be fair, this was an impossible character to play for anyone, because as I've said, she isn't a representative of a real person. To be honest, I couldn't think of an actress who could've played this part well. Just an impossible task with the way it was written, and Kirsten did her best to try and do something with it and I respect that. At least she tried, Bloom on the other hand, doesn't know how to try. However, despite my giving Kirsten an A for effort, I must say that Kirsten Dunst is not a lead actress! She is not someone you would change your whole life for. She is not even cute.
My friend and Mat and I were discussing her, and we came up with the phrase "Female Equator". This means that she inexplicably has boobs so low that her nipples are aligned with her belly button. This phenomenon shall now be known as "the female equator", i don't really know what it means but I know that it's funny so shut up. How old is she? Why does she have old lady boobs? And it's not just me, male chauvinist whatever saying this. I overheard this from a group of girls sitting near me during the movie: "I can't stand looking at her teeth!" Why is this not a problem for Cameron Crowe and the Hollywood establishment? Do you know how many hot girls there are in LA? Use one!
Third problem: the editing. As stated before, Crowe felt the need to serve the idiot critics and cut this movie up. Huge problem. The center of the film is a long conversation Bloom and Dunst have over the phone. This is where cuts were made. Music even comes up over the talking at one point and it turns into a montage. This is always a bad sign. Then later, conversations between Bloom and Dunst barely make sense because they've clearly cut out the important shit that set it up. It's very frustrating. What's more frustrating is that a long "show" scene by Susan Sarandon is left in. And speaking of Sarandon, my penis tells me that he'd rather the female lead be played by her than Dunst. Yes, he'd rather have sex with 50 year old Sarandon than 23 year old Dunst. Hey, they both have the female equator.
In summation, this movie is a complete mess. What saves it from being a total disaster is the fact that Cameron Crowe wrote it. The guy is clearly a genius. He's terrific at making "moments", and the tertiary characters, ironically enough, are good characters. Too bad the main ones suck.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
A "Rant"
I'm submitting a "sample packet" for a show, and they want "rants". I don't really know what a "rant" is, nor apparently does my agent, but that doesn't mean I don't have to do it. I actually kinda thought "rants" went out with Dennis Miller, but I guess not. Anyway, here's one of my "rants" for your enjoyment:
Muslims and their virgin theory
There are a lot of misconceptions about the Islamic religion, but that's because it seems like Muslims have a difference of opinion with each other about what the correct version of Islam.
The main thing we know about Islam here in the United States is this virgin thing. Supposedly these suicidal bombers are expecting to be greeted by 72 virgins in heaven. Is this true Islam? Is it in the Quran? If so, what other kinky stuff is in there? And do all Muslim men think 72 virgins is the proper reward for blowing yourself into a million pieces? I mean, personally I'd like some girls who knew what they were doing. 72 awkward sex acts isn't my idea of a good time, but maybe Muslim guys have a different idea of fun. Couldn't there be, like, I don't know, 10 virgins, 20 sluts, and 42 hookers? If I'm dying in a fiery plane crash, I want some pros in there.
And are they all Muslim girls? Are there any asians? I'd like there to be some asians. What about blondes? From what I've seen, arab dudes like blondes. Do they ask these questions? When I order a hamburger I make sure they're not going to put mayonaisse on the bun. If I'm blowing myself up, I'd definitely want to know if there are going to be some asians.
Muslims and their virgin theory
There are a lot of misconceptions about the Islamic religion, but that's because it seems like Muslims have a difference of opinion with each other about what the correct version of Islam.
The main thing we know about Islam here in the United States is this virgin thing. Supposedly these suicidal bombers are expecting to be greeted by 72 virgins in heaven. Is this true Islam? Is it in the Quran? If so, what other kinky stuff is in there? And do all Muslim men think 72 virgins is the proper reward for blowing yourself into a million pieces? I mean, personally I'd like some girls who knew what they were doing. 72 awkward sex acts isn't my idea of a good time, but maybe Muslim guys have a different idea of fun. Couldn't there be, like, I don't know, 10 virgins, 20 sluts, and 42 hookers? If I'm dying in a fiery plane crash, I want some pros in there.
And are they all Muslim girls? Are there any asians? I'd like there to be some asians. What about blondes? From what I've seen, arab dudes like blondes. Do they ask these questions? When I order a hamburger I make sure they're not going to put mayonaisse on the bun. If I'm blowing myself up, I'd definitely want to know if there are going to be some asians.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
A History of Awkwardness
For some reason, I like to torture myself. The number one way in which I do this is by watching the Fox News Channel and listening to Sean Hannity's radio show. Man, that shit gets me fired up. I often wonder how Sean Hannity lives with himself, and has friends or a wife. He has this thing on his radio show where he takes calls and the callers say "Sean, you are a great American". And then Sean proudly replies, "you are a great American." I'm not making this shit up. I'm just waiting for the time when he gets a call and it goes something like this:
SEAN: Adolf, from Germany, you are on the Sean Hannity show.
ADOLF: Sprechen se dirty jew schnell! Sean, you are a great American.
SEAN: Adolf, you are a great American.
The second thing I like to do to get depressed is read "Creative Screenwriting" magazine. You see, this is torture for several reasons. First of all, it makes me mad how no screenwriter will ever tell the truth about how they got their start. This magazine is filled with story after story from screenwriters about how they "made it" in the business, and everytime it is a lie. This is how the typical story goes:
"I was living in LA, it was really rough, I had just got there a month before and I had no money and I was working at Jamba Juice, and then my agent got my script to this guy at New Line and they paid me six figures for it."
Okay, fuck you. That's not how you got your start. How the fuck did you get the agent?!? That's the hardest part, dick. Once you have a feature agent, you are in the game. Once you have a feature agent, you have crossed so many rivers and climbed so many mountains on your own, that you have a great shot. These agents aren't plucking people off the street and sending their scripts to studios. No, no, no. That is a myth. Agents don't know what a good script is. Heck, agents can't even read! Agents only know what other people tell them. So they wait to hear about a writer from someone else, someone who can probably read, and then they come in right when you are about to make money and take their 10 percent. So when someone asks you how you made it, talk about the shit you had to eat to get that agent.
Anyway, the second thing that depresses me about reading this is when writer's talk about writing their movie. They usually talk about "theme" and "arcs", and I get all intimidated and think "man, I have no business writing movies". Themes? Arcs? Wow, that's high fallutin' stuff (i'm not being sarcastic here, I get really scared that I don't know what I'm doing when I hear writers discuss the intricacy of subtext).
Well, I read one such article last week about a guy named Josh Olson and his new movie "A History of Violence". This guy knows a lot about themes and arcs. And now this movie has been getting unbelievable reviews. That and the fact that I've been in love with Maria Bello since "Payback" made it impossible for me to not see this movie.
Josh Olson is right, "A History of Violence" is full of theme. It's also full of a lot of crappy ass scenes and dialogue. I can't believe that this movie is being praised, and even called "the best movie of the year". I can't get my head around it. This movie had the most AWKWARD scenes I have ever seen in a professional motion picture. Seriously, it looks like it was made by amateurs. The direction makes Ron Underwood look like Orson Welles. I had to cover my face three times because it was so uncomfortably bad. For any of you who have seen the movie, exhibit A are those high school scenes. The audience was laughing at this movie, and not in a good way. They were laughing at the cheesiness, at the icky awkwardness of the writing and the staging of it.
This happens occasionally in movies, and when it happened the first time in this movie I thought it was an aberration, but oh know, there was more to come. There was even a character in the film who was such an obvious one note stereotype, that everytime he came on screen the audience laughed. They laughed because they've seen that character about a thousand times and knew exactly what he was going to do. He would've fit right in as Zack Morris' arch rival on Saved by the Bell. Unbelievable.
Now I don't want to bag totally on Josh Olson here. A big part of it is David Cronenberg, the director's fault. They actually rewrote the script together. And in any screenplay, especially ones I write, there are going to be some awkward points. But it is up to the director to either cut them, or stage them in a way that makes them not awkward. Cronenberg did not do this, and I don't know why. Why are people fooled into thinking this movie is good? Again, I don't know.
I will say this though, I like the idea of this movie, I like the simpleness of it, and I LOVE the acting. Viggo is great, Ed Harris is amazing, and Maria, well, Maria Bello is the most underrated actress of our time. Why does she not get more pub? It's interesting the people the tabloids and Oprah choose to shine a light on. She's a million times the actress Lohan or Demi Moore will ever be. I don't get it. And please check her out in "Payback" and "The Cooler", as she kicks ass in both of those movies and they are actually good.
This movie is not all bad. Some of it is kinda good. But this goes back to my "Red River" theory. "Red River" is a "classic" western from a really long time ago. Everyone who makes lists usually includes this movie somewhere on their best movies of all time list. I hate this movie, but it's okay right up until the ending, where this serious drama turns into an episode of Three Stooges.
Now most scholars acknowledge that this is a terrible mistake of an ending and doesn't go with the rest of the film, yet it doesn't stop them from saying it's great. Hold on. For a movie to be great, it has to be great all the way through. A movie with a crap ending can't be great, it can be good, but it can't be great. It is tarnished by that ending. Well, "A History of Violence" can't be great either because of it's awkward scenes and AC Slater character. It just can't.
SEAN: Adolf, from Germany, you are on the Sean Hannity show.
ADOLF: Sprechen se dirty jew schnell! Sean, you are a great American.
SEAN: Adolf, you are a great American.
The second thing I like to do to get depressed is read "Creative Screenwriting" magazine. You see, this is torture for several reasons. First of all, it makes me mad how no screenwriter will ever tell the truth about how they got their start. This magazine is filled with story after story from screenwriters about how they "made it" in the business, and everytime it is a lie. This is how the typical story goes:
"I was living in LA, it was really rough, I had just got there a month before and I had no money and I was working at Jamba Juice, and then my agent got my script to this guy at New Line and they paid me six figures for it."
Okay, fuck you. That's not how you got your start. How the fuck did you get the agent?!? That's the hardest part, dick. Once you have a feature agent, you are in the game. Once you have a feature agent, you have crossed so many rivers and climbed so many mountains on your own, that you have a great shot. These agents aren't plucking people off the street and sending their scripts to studios. No, no, no. That is a myth. Agents don't know what a good script is. Heck, agents can't even read! Agents only know what other people tell them. So they wait to hear about a writer from someone else, someone who can probably read, and then they come in right when you are about to make money and take their 10 percent. So when someone asks you how you made it, talk about the shit you had to eat to get that agent.
Anyway, the second thing that depresses me about reading this is when writer's talk about writing their movie. They usually talk about "theme" and "arcs", and I get all intimidated and think "man, I have no business writing movies". Themes? Arcs? Wow, that's high fallutin' stuff (i'm not being sarcastic here, I get really scared that I don't know what I'm doing when I hear writers discuss the intricacy of subtext).
Well, I read one such article last week about a guy named Josh Olson and his new movie "A History of Violence". This guy knows a lot about themes and arcs. And now this movie has been getting unbelievable reviews. That and the fact that I've been in love with Maria Bello since "Payback" made it impossible for me to not see this movie.
Josh Olson is right, "A History of Violence" is full of theme. It's also full of a lot of crappy ass scenes and dialogue. I can't believe that this movie is being praised, and even called "the best movie of the year". I can't get my head around it. This movie had the most AWKWARD scenes I have ever seen in a professional motion picture. Seriously, it looks like it was made by amateurs. The direction makes Ron Underwood look like Orson Welles. I had to cover my face three times because it was so uncomfortably bad. For any of you who have seen the movie, exhibit A are those high school scenes. The audience was laughing at this movie, and not in a good way. They were laughing at the cheesiness, at the icky awkwardness of the writing and the staging of it.
This happens occasionally in movies, and when it happened the first time in this movie I thought it was an aberration, but oh know, there was more to come. There was even a character in the film who was such an obvious one note stereotype, that everytime he came on screen the audience laughed. They laughed because they've seen that character about a thousand times and knew exactly what he was going to do. He would've fit right in as Zack Morris' arch rival on Saved by the Bell. Unbelievable.
Now I don't want to bag totally on Josh Olson here. A big part of it is David Cronenberg, the director's fault. They actually rewrote the script together. And in any screenplay, especially ones I write, there are going to be some awkward points. But it is up to the director to either cut them, or stage them in a way that makes them not awkward. Cronenberg did not do this, and I don't know why. Why are people fooled into thinking this movie is good? Again, I don't know.
I will say this though, I like the idea of this movie, I like the simpleness of it, and I LOVE the acting. Viggo is great, Ed Harris is amazing, and Maria, well, Maria Bello is the most underrated actress of our time. Why does she not get more pub? It's interesting the people the tabloids and Oprah choose to shine a light on. She's a million times the actress Lohan or Demi Moore will ever be. I don't get it. And please check her out in "Payback" and "The Cooler", as she kicks ass in both of those movies and they are actually good.
This movie is not all bad. Some of it is kinda good. But this goes back to my "Red River" theory. "Red River" is a "classic" western from a really long time ago. Everyone who makes lists usually includes this movie somewhere on their best movies of all time list. I hate this movie, but it's okay right up until the ending, where this serious drama turns into an episode of Three Stooges.
Now most scholars acknowledge that this is a terrible mistake of an ending and doesn't go with the rest of the film, yet it doesn't stop them from saying it's great. Hold on. For a movie to be great, it has to be great all the way through. A movie with a crap ending can't be great, it can be good, but it can't be great. It is tarnished by that ending. Well, "A History of Violence" can't be great either because of it's awkward scenes and AC Slater character. It just can't.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Murder Mystery Part III, Revenge of the Mischa
Continued...
The Detective turns to Trey.
DETECTIVE
You, Trey, we knew it was over when you showed up.
TREY
It's not my fault!
DETECTIVE
Not so fast, convict. Anytime a show uses a different actor to play the same character and it's not Days of Our Lives (when it triumphantly replaced Lisa Rinna with Krista Allen in the role Billy), you know it's big trouble. And I don't believe that was you playing Trey in the pilot, my friend.
TREY
But that's not fair, it was the pilot. They didn't know--
DETECTIVE
HA! That's exactly the point. They didn't know. They didn't know what they were doing, where they were going, that they were going to last more than 3 shows! Marc Cherry knows! Damon Lindelof knows! Schwartz doesn't know. His show was in the shitter, because of you, Oliver, because of you, ugly red head, and because of you, hot blonde lesbian girl. He was fucked so he turned to the past and Ryan's brother Trey. And the worst part isn't that you're a different actor, the worst part is that you set your sights on Mischa. Poor, untalented Mischa.
TREY
What? She's hot.
DETECTIVE
She's no Summer. It's like the Felicity Syndrome, where the producers pick the person who is supposed to be "hot", and then the other person who is supposed to be "dorky" turns out to be the one everyone likes. We all want to have sex with Summer, we all want to punch Mischa in the face. Ryan, why don't you ever punch Mischa in the face!
RYAN
Schwartz has it planned for season 4.
DETECTIVE
Unfortunately, there's not going to be a season 4.
(BEAT)
Next we have Hailey.
HAILEY
Can we make this quick? I've got 10 other Fox shows I have to be on.
DETECTIVE
The chances of us doing this quickly ended 2 posts ago. Now I don't think you killed this show, but you probably wounded it. And the bigger problem is you ruining every other show on FOX. Let's just all thank God you're not on ABC, because then we'd really have problems.
HAILEY
Well, my agent's actually talking to them--
DETECTIVE
Christ, woman! Haven't you done enough? Why does this happen in Hollywood? Supposedly everyone in this town is an actor, everyone is hot, why do the networks get caught up on 4 or 5 unattractive annoying girls and cast them in everything? Yes, I'm talking about you Debra Messing, and you, Jennifer Finnigan, and you, Peggy Bundy (as soon as she appeared on Lost on Wednesday, I let out a "Noooooo!", seriously), and you, wife from King of Queens. Fuck you, guys!
HAILEY
I apologize. But I can't promise that after Reunion gets cancelled I won't end up on an NBC sitcom married to Frank Caliendo.
DETECTIVE
I'll allow that. No one will watch it, except for the 150 million people who don't live in LA or NY.
HAILEY
So you think I'll actually be successful?
DETECTIVE
Yes. Just keep blowing the Jews that run Hollywood. And that includes this Rubenstein kid I know.
HAILEY
Isn't he half-Jewish?
DETECTIVE
What do you care? Just blow him! He deserves it! When is he going to get to fuck models on piles of cash?!?
SETH
Are you all right, Detective?
DETECTIVE
I'm sorry. It's just frustrating, that's all.
(BEAT)
Anyway, let's get to the person we've all suspected but haven't officially blamed yet. Mischa.
Mischa's already crying.
DETECTIVE
Jesus, even your real crying seems fake. You can't even act like Mischa, and you are Mischa!
MISCHA
I know, I'm so untalented. I can't even go out with someone who's not the lamest person on earth.
DETECTIVE
I know, Brandon Davis? That guy sucks. And I have a friend who used to work at Celebrities Uncensored who has video of him saying racist shit.
MISCHA
Oh, I don't care about that. His dad's a billionaire.
DETECTIVE
That's a smart insurance policy, seeing as how you hopefully will never work in show business again.
(BEAT)
Here's what pisses me off about you, Mischa: 1) you went to a performing arts school. That's like me going to automobile school and not knowing what a clutch is. 2) You were in the Sixth Sense. That used to be one of my favorite movies, but now when I look back and see you it's totally ruined! 3) People have the nerve to put you on magazine covers. You are not hot. You have a cute face, ample bosom, and then the most awkward lower half since Joey Potter! 4) I think that you think you can act. And that frightens me. 5) People are putting you in movies now. Okay, do the powers of be in Hollywood not look at the work? Do they just see that someone is in a "succesful show" and just blindly cast from that? The Lakers don't draft someone from Duke because they have a good team, they actually watch the guy play. I don't understand. 6) I'm quoting from the pam anderson roast here: "I don't want to say that you're a bad actor, but you have the emotional range of Terry Shiavo".
MISCHA
I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you have any blow?
DETECTIVE
Blow? Who do I look like, the Olsen twins? Shut the fuck up.
(BEAT)
But despite all of those reasons I hate you, that is not what you did to kill this show. We overlooked your horrific acting, non-cuteness, and general annoying-ness during the first season and still loved the show. No. What did it, what finally killed the show, the way you almost killed Trey with a bullet that everyone in private and public school in the OC is overreacting to, was this sex thing with Ryan.
RYAN
Sex thing?
DETECTIVE
Yes. The fact that you guys could try and pretend that a couple weeks ago was the first time you had sex was the final unforgivable straw. You guys had sex in the first season! Soon after Mischa gave it up to Luke for the first time! I know it happened, America knows it happened, you know it happened. And now for ratings, and because you lack any kind of storytelling ability, you pretend like they've "done lots of stuff, but never that". Bullshit! I've never seen a show do something like this before, especially in this age of syndication and DVD. Just unforgivable.
(BEAT)
Ryan, please do the honors.
Ryan goes over and punches Mischa in the face.
DETECTIVE
No, you idiot! Him!
Ryan goes over to Josh Schwartz and punches him in the face.
DETECTIVE
Case closed.
The Detective turns to Trey.
DETECTIVE
You, Trey, we knew it was over when you showed up.
TREY
It's not my fault!
DETECTIVE
Not so fast, convict. Anytime a show uses a different actor to play the same character and it's not Days of Our Lives (when it triumphantly replaced Lisa Rinna with Krista Allen in the role Billy), you know it's big trouble. And I don't believe that was you playing Trey in the pilot, my friend.
TREY
But that's not fair, it was the pilot. They didn't know--
DETECTIVE
HA! That's exactly the point. They didn't know. They didn't know what they were doing, where they were going, that they were going to last more than 3 shows! Marc Cherry knows! Damon Lindelof knows! Schwartz doesn't know. His show was in the shitter, because of you, Oliver, because of you, ugly red head, and because of you, hot blonde lesbian girl. He was fucked so he turned to the past and Ryan's brother Trey. And the worst part isn't that you're a different actor, the worst part is that you set your sights on Mischa. Poor, untalented Mischa.
TREY
What? She's hot.
DETECTIVE
She's no Summer. It's like the Felicity Syndrome, where the producers pick the person who is supposed to be "hot", and then the other person who is supposed to be "dorky" turns out to be the one everyone likes. We all want to have sex with Summer, we all want to punch Mischa in the face. Ryan, why don't you ever punch Mischa in the face!
RYAN
Schwartz has it planned for season 4.
DETECTIVE
Unfortunately, there's not going to be a season 4.
(BEAT)
Next we have Hailey.
HAILEY
Can we make this quick? I've got 10 other Fox shows I have to be on.
DETECTIVE
The chances of us doing this quickly ended 2 posts ago. Now I don't think you killed this show, but you probably wounded it. And the bigger problem is you ruining every other show on FOX. Let's just all thank God you're not on ABC, because then we'd really have problems.
HAILEY
Well, my agent's actually talking to them--
DETECTIVE
Christ, woman! Haven't you done enough? Why does this happen in Hollywood? Supposedly everyone in this town is an actor, everyone is hot, why do the networks get caught up on 4 or 5 unattractive annoying girls and cast them in everything? Yes, I'm talking about you Debra Messing, and you, Jennifer Finnigan, and you, Peggy Bundy (as soon as she appeared on Lost on Wednesday, I let out a "Noooooo!", seriously), and you, wife from King of Queens. Fuck you, guys!
HAILEY
I apologize. But I can't promise that after Reunion gets cancelled I won't end up on an NBC sitcom married to Frank Caliendo.
DETECTIVE
I'll allow that. No one will watch it, except for the 150 million people who don't live in LA or NY.
HAILEY
So you think I'll actually be successful?
DETECTIVE
Yes. Just keep blowing the Jews that run Hollywood. And that includes this Rubenstein kid I know.
HAILEY
Isn't he half-Jewish?
DETECTIVE
What do you care? Just blow him! He deserves it! When is he going to get to fuck models on piles of cash?!?
SETH
Are you all right, Detective?
DETECTIVE
I'm sorry. It's just frustrating, that's all.
(BEAT)
Anyway, let's get to the person we've all suspected but haven't officially blamed yet. Mischa.
Mischa's already crying.
DETECTIVE
Jesus, even your real crying seems fake. You can't even act like Mischa, and you are Mischa!
MISCHA
I know, I'm so untalented. I can't even go out with someone who's not the lamest person on earth.
DETECTIVE
I know, Brandon Davis? That guy sucks. And I have a friend who used to work at Celebrities Uncensored who has video of him saying racist shit.
MISCHA
Oh, I don't care about that. His dad's a billionaire.
DETECTIVE
That's a smart insurance policy, seeing as how you hopefully will never work in show business again.
(BEAT)
Here's what pisses me off about you, Mischa: 1) you went to a performing arts school. That's like me going to automobile school and not knowing what a clutch is. 2) You were in the Sixth Sense. That used to be one of my favorite movies, but now when I look back and see you it's totally ruined! 3) People have the nerve to put you on magazine covers. You are not hot. You have a cute face, ample bosom, and then the most awkward lower half since Joey Potter! 4) I think that you think you can act. And that frightens me. 5) People are putting you in movies now. Okay, do the powers of be in Hollywood not look at the work? Do they just see that someone is in a "succesful show" and just blindly cast from that? The Lakers don't draft someone from Duke because they have a good team, they actually watch the guy play. I don't understand. 6) I'm quoting from the pam anderson roast here: "I don't want to say that you're a bad actor, but you have the emotional range of Terry Shiavo".
MISCHA
I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you have any blow?
DETECTIVE
Blow? Who do I look like, the Olsen twins? Shut the fuck up.
(BEAT)
But despite all of those reasons I hate you, that is not what you did to kill this show. We overlooked your horrific acting, non-cuteness, and general annoying-ness during the first season and still loved the show. No. What did it, what finally killed the show, the way you almost killed Trey with a bullet that everyone in private and public school in the OC is overreacting to, was this sex thing with Ryan.
RYAN
Sex thing?
DETECTIVE
Yes. The fact that you guys could try and pretend that a couple weeks ago was the first time you had sex was the final unforgivable straw. You guys had sex in the first season! Soon after Mischa gave it up to Luke for the first time! I know it happened, America knows it happened, you know it happened. And now for ratings, and because you lack any kind of storytelling ability, you pretend like they've "done lots of stuff, but never that". Bullshit! I've never seen a show do something like this before, especially in this age of syndication and DVD. Just unforgivable.
(BEAT)
Ryan, please do the honors.
Ryan goes over and punches Mischa in the face.
DETECTIVE
No, you idiot! Him!
Ryan goes over to Josh Schwartz and punches him in the face.
DETECTIVE
Case closed.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
"In The Mix"
Looks like the hype is beginnig for my movie, I mean, other people's movie who had nothing to do with it - glad i'm not bitter. The trailer is beginning to show this weekend before "In Her Shoes" and "Roll Bounce", and it's also on the internet.
Since the WGA (don't those letters stand for WRITERS guild association, how ironic) deemed us worthy of only a "story by" credit, instead of the "screenplay by" credit the studio gave us, I'm shocked to see that the trailer includes about 90 percent of our shit. Wow, glad we only came up with the story and not all those scenes and lines of dialogue you're showing. This is the movie that keeps on giving...me hell. Sorry, I reverted back to a month ago for a second. Really, I'm over it. Really, I am. I am, motherfuckers, leave me alone!!!
Anyway, it is exciting to finally see this thing come out after such a long struggle, even if it didn't go the way I would've liked. And the trailer looks good (i may be biased, since again, it's my shit). So if you're bored, check it out and tell me what you think...
http://movies.about.com/od/dyingfordolly/a/inthemix092805.htm
Since the WGA (don't those letters stand for WRITERS guild association, how ironic) deemed us worthy of only a "story by" credit, instead of the "screenplay by" credit the studio gave us, I'm shocked to see that the trailer includes about 90 percent of our shit. Wow, glad we only came up with the story and not all those scenes and lines of dialogue you're showing. This is the movie that keeps on giving...me hell. Sorry, I reverted back to a month ago for a second. Really, I'm over it. Really, I am. I am, motherfuckers, leave me alone!!!
Anyway, it is exciting to finally see this thing come out after such a long struggle, even if it didn't go the way I would've liked. And the trailer looks good (i may be biased, since again, it's my shit). So if you're bored, check it out and tell me what you think...
http://movies.about.com/od/dyingfordolly/a/inthemix092805.htm
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
ALERT: Tom Cruise Joke Parade!!!
Sorry, I had to interrupt my OC hate for some breaking news. Let's see how many jokes I can write that you will see on Leno, Letterman, The Soup, The Showbiz Show, Conan, and Kimmel in the next week:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have announced they are expecting a baby...
No word yet on who is the father.
It will be the first time Katie has had a child, and the third time Tom has bought one.
No word yet on the sex of the baby, but if it's anything like Tom's last kid, it'll be black.
John Travolta named his son Jet after his love of aviation. Insiders say Tom will do something similar, and name the child C. My Next Movie (or Insane McPsycho, Publicity Stunt, L. Ron Secretbuttsex)
Katie says she is very happy, and Tom says he is very gay. And by gay, of course, he is speaking of the dictionary definition, which reads: "likes cock".
Katie says she is very excited about having a baby because finally she'll have someone that wants to touch her breasts.
Doctors say the baby looks healthy, and at birth should be taller than his dad.
Tom says that conceiving with Katie wasn't difficult, he just thought about Harvey Fierstein.
Tom says he hasn't been this giddy since he filmed the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Tom was surprised by the news because he was using the time tested birth control method of male anal sex.
Tom says that if Katie suffers from post-partem depression, he will not turn to psychiatry. Instead, Katie will be beaten by Kirstie Ally, Jenna Elfman, and the wife from King of Queens.
Tom was surprised by the news because he had no idea Katie was sleeping with anyone.
Tom plans to be in the delivery room during the birth because he wants to see his first vagina!
If there's any I missed, or if these suck and you think you can do better, please reply with yours. Consider this a challenge, bitches!
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have announced they are expecting a baby...
No word yet on who is the father.
It will be the first time Katie has had a child, and the third time Tom has bought one.
No word yet on the sex of the baby, but if it's anything like Tom's last kid, it'll be black.
John Travolta named his son Jet after his love of aviation. Insiders say Tom will do something similar, and name the child C. My Next Movie (or Insane McPsycho, Publicity Stunt, L. Ron Secretbuttsex)
Katie says she is very happy, and Tom says he is very gay. And by gay, of course, he is speaking of the dictionary definition, which reads: "likes cock".
Katie says she is very excited about having a baby because finally she'll have someone that wants to touch her breasts.
Doctors say the baby looks healthy, and at birth should be taller than his dad.
Tom says that conceiving with Katie wasn't difficult, he just thought about Harvey Fierstein.
Tom says he hasn't been this giddy since he filmed the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Tom was surprised by the news because he was using the time tested birth control method of male anal sex.
Tom says that if Katie suffers from post-partem depression, he will not turn to psychiatry. Instead, Katie will be beaten by Kirstie Ally, Jenna Elfman, and the wife from King of Queens.
Tom was surprised by the news because he had no idea Katie was sleeping with anyone.
Tom plans to be in the delivery room during the birth because he wants to see his first vagina!
If there's any I missed, or if these suck and you think you can do better, please reply with yours. Consider this a challenge, bitches!
Murder Mystery Part II
CONTINUED...
The Detective turns to Jimmy "Tate Donovan" Cooper.
DETECTIVE
Jimmy, I always liked you. America always liked you. Christ, you managed to fuck Courtney Cox AND Jennifer Aniston back in the '90's. Why do they keep kicking you off the show?
JIMMY
Well, to be fair, I think Adam Duritz fucked both of them too and nobody likes him, so I don't think that's necessarily a good barometer for audience appeal.
DETECTIVE
Solid point.
JIMMY
And Brad Pitt only fucked one of them, yet he has the career everyone said I was going to have.
DETECTIVE
You really hate yourself, don't you?
JIMMY
Considering it should be me on the cover of Star Magazine every week, humping Angelina Jolie and taking care of asian and african kids with mohawks...yeah, I'm kinda bitter about not even being able to keep a steady gig on this crap show..
DETECTIVE
Understandable.
JIMMY
But really, I think I am the quintessential Schwartz fuck up. I'm a character that's cool and everyone likes, but somehow I married the queen of evil, borrow money from loan sharks, run away from my problems, and let one of my kids live with her lesbian girlfriend at the age of 17, while not ever talking to my other daughter, who neither I nor the rest of America knows about.
DETECTIVE
Wow, Tate, I mean Jimmy, you're quite perceptive. Maybe you should've used those smarts in picking scripts after "Love Potion #9" came out.
JIMMY
But keep in mind that Sandra Bullock was in that movie, who I also fucked.
DETECTIVE
You're heading into Scott Baio territory, my friend. And interestingly, comparing you to Scott Baio in this case is actually a compliment.
JIMMY
I take it as such.
DETECTIVE
All right, who's next?
LUKE
What about me, bitch?
DETECTIVE
Oh man, I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss you, Luke.
LUKE
Everyone does. I was a villain, man. And my dad was gay! And a car dealer! A gay car dealer! There were no better episodes then the ones where the other Newport kids were making fun of me for having a gay dad.
DETECTIVE
You're right. That was the highest of comedy. But that was also the beginning of the end.
LUKE
Why? Cause I went from uber-villain to comic relief. Yeah, that kinda sucked. But keep in mind, that's when I started having sex with Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Nichol.
DETECTIVE
God dammit, why did they get rid of you?!? I don't understand these choices. It's like if Entourage got rid of Arie, or the Golden Girls got rid of Rose Nylon, or if the Lakers got rid of Shaq. You just don't do it!
LUKE
That's what I'm saying, bitch!
DETECTIVE
Okay, stop saying bitch now.
LUKE
Sorry.
DETECTIVE
Since we're talking about poorly conceived high school characters, let's turn to someone who might be to blame for this whole thing. That red-headed girl!
Red headed girl steps up, looking very guilty and still as unattractive as she was while on the show.
DETECTIVE
It's simple math: if you have a high school drama, you get hot chicks! I'm sorry dear, but you are not hot.
RED HEAD
I know.
DETECTIVE
I'm no Mischa fan, but even I would pick her over you. That's like casting Natalie from Facts of Life as a love interest for Brandon Walsh. Nobody's buying!
(BEAT)
But besides you're unappealingness, this long lost daughter bit? Come on. Aren't there limits on coincidences? That was horrifying. I'm tired of looking at you, I have to move on. But you are definitely a suspect.
(BEAT)
Moving on to another high school kid I have a strong hatred for: Zach.
ZACH
I agree, I made no sense.
DETECTIVE
I mean, love triangles are the building blocks of these shows. You, Summer, and Seth had to be the worst love triangle in history. You guys all hang out together as friends? Every single episode revolved around her talking about "cohen" around you and her apologizing for it? She dumps you and then you partner up with Seth to win her back, even though it was clear to all that she never liked you in the first place? Stop it!!!
ZACH
And where the hell am I this season? Did I get kicked out of school too?
DETECTIVE
Maybe we should ask the new evil Dean. Evil Dean, did you kick Zach out?
EVIL DEAN
No, I think he graduated or went to Italy again or something.
ZACH
Oh, good to know.
DETECTIVE
Thanks, Evil Dean. Man, you sure are evil.
EVIL DEAN
Well, I'm a one note character, so that's kinda the point. If I wasn't evil, what would I do?
DETECTIVE
Right. But I mean you are really evil. I didn't even know grabbing female students like Kim Delaney grabs beers was even legal.
EVIL DEAN
It's not, but this show is horrible and doesn't respect reality in any form. Just look at the way people walk straight up to Summer's bedroom door. Or how the characters would have to use a time machine for plots to make sense. Schwartz has decided to toss out logic so he can get straight to making us all regret we ever liked this show.
DETECTIVE
Then he has achieved his goal.
(BEAT)
All right, red headed girl is a suspect for possibly killing this show. But I have yet to interview the big guns. Ladies, and Trey, you're up...
TO BE CONTINED AGAIN...(for the last time, I promise)
The Detective turns to Jimmy "Tate Donovan" Cooper.
DETECTIVE
Jimmy, I always liked you. America always liked you. Christ, you managed to fuck Courtney Cox AND Jennifer Aniston back in the '90's. Why do they keep kicking you off the show?
JIMMY
Well, to be fair, I think Adam Duritz fucked both of them too and nobody likes him, so I don't think that's necessarily a good barometer for audience appeal.
DETECTIVE
Solid point.
JIMMY
And Brad Pitt only fucked one of them, yet he has the career everyone said I was going to have.
DETECTIVE
You really hate yourself, don't you?
JIMMY
Considering it should be me on the cover of Star Magazine every week, humping Angelina Jolie and taking care of asian and african kids with mohawks...yeah, I'm kinda bitter about not even being able to keep a steady gig on this crap show..
DETECTIVE
Understandable.
JIMMY
But really, I think I am the quintessential Schwartz fuck up. I'm a character that's cool and everyone likes, but somehow I married the queen of evil, borrow money from loan sharks, run away from my problems, and let one of my kids live with her lesbian girlfriend at the age of 17, while not ever talking to my other daughter, who neither I nor the rest of America knows about.
DETECTIVE
Wow, Tate, I mean Jimmy, you're quite perceptive. Maybe you should've used those smarts in picking scripts after "Love Potion #9" came out.
JIMMY
But keep in mind that Sandra Bullock was in that movie, who I also fucked.
DETECTIVE
You're heading into Scott Baio territory, my friend. And interestingly, comparing you to Scott Baio in this case is actually a compliment.
JIMMY
I take it as such.
DETECTIVE
All right, who's next?
LUKE
What about me, bitch?
DETECTIVE
Oh man, I never thought I'd say this, but I kinda miss you, Luke.
LUKE
Everyone does. I was a villain, man. And my dad was gay! And a car dealer! A gay car dealer! There were no better episodes then the ones where the other Newport kids were making fun of me for having a gay dad.
DETECTIVE
You're right. That was the highest of comedy. But that was also the beginning of the end.
LUKE
Why? Cause I went from uber-villain to comic relief. Yeah, that kinda sucked. But keep in mind, that's when I started having sex with Julie Cooper-Nichol-Cooper-Nichol.
DETECTIVE
God dammit, why did they get rid of you?!? I don't understand these choices. It's like if Entourage got rid of Arie, or the Golden Girls got rid of Rose Nylon, or if the Lakers got rid of Shaq. You just don't do it!
LUKE
That's what I'm saying, bitch!
DETECTIVE
Okay, stop saying bitch now.
LUKE
Sorry.
DETECTIVE
Since we're talking about poorly conceived high school characters, let's turn to someone who might be to blame for this whole thing. That red-headed girl!
Red headed girl steps up, looking very guilty and still as unattractive as she was while on the show.
DETECTIVE
It's simple math: if you have a high school drama, you get hot chicks! I'm sorry dear, but you are not hot.
RED HEAD
I know.
DETECTIVE
I'm no Mischa fan, but even I would pick her over you. That's like casting Natalie from Facts of Life as a love interest for Brandon Walsh. Nobody's buying!
(BEAT)
But besides you're unappealingness, this long lost daughter bit? Come on. Aren't there limits on coincidences? That was horrifying. I'm tired of looking at you, I have to move on. But you are definitely a suspect.
(BEAT)
Moving on to another high school kid I have a strong hatred for: Zach.
ZACH
I agree, I made no sense.
DETECTIVE
I mean, love triangles are the building blocks of these shows. You, Summer, and Seth had to be the worst love triangle in history. You guys all hang out together as friends? Every single episode revolved around her talking about "cohen" around you and her apologizing for it? She dumps you and then you partner up with Seth to win her back, even though it was clear to all that she never liked you in the first place? Stop it!!!
ZACH
And where the hell am I this season? Did I get kicked out of school too?
DETECTIVE
Maybe we should ask the new evil Dean. Evil Dean, did you kick Zach out?
EVIL DEAN
No, I think he graduated or went to Italy again or something.
ZACH
Oh, good to know.
DETECTIVE
Thanks, Evil Dean. Man, you sure are evil.
EVIL DEAN
Well, I'm a one note character, so that's kinda the point. If I wasn't evil, what would I do?
DETECTIVE
Right. But I mean you are really evil. I didn't even know grabbing female students like Kim Delaney grabs beers was even legal.
EVIL DEAN
It's not, but this show is horrible and doesn't respect reality in any form. Just look at the way people walk straight up to Summer's bedroom door. Or how the characters would have to use a time machine for plots to make sense. Schwartz has decided to toss out logic so he can get straight to making us all regret we ever liked this show.
DETECTIVE
Then he has achieved his goal.
(BEAT)
All right, red headed girl is a suspect for possibly killing this show. But I have yet to interview the big guns. Ladies, and Trey, you're up...
TO BE CONTINED AGAIN...(for the last time, I promise)
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