(WRITER'S NOTE: This will most likely be my last post until after the holidays. I'm moving and trying to finish a screenplay I'm working on that I'm really excited about, but of course my agents hate everything about it. But what the fuck do they know? They're agents! I'm sure they'll love it AFTER it sells and they collect their 10 percent - that's when all scripts get good to them)
ME: Listen, this is really hard for me to say...Hermosa Beach, I love you, I'll always love you, but...we have to break up.
(Tears well in Hermosa Beach's eyes)
I'm leaving you for another woman.
(Hermosa screams)
Ew, not Hollywood! Don't be disgusting. For Santa Monica.
No, no, it's not you, it's me. I'm emotionally distant, all of my ex-girlfriends tell me so. I want to thank you though - for a clean beach, all the volleball games, and of course, for asian girls from Torrance.
(Hermosa Beach argues incomprehensibly back)
Please don't do that. Yes, I know the asian girls in Santa Monica won't be from Torrance, but answer me this: will they be asian? Okay then. Believe me, this is hard for me too, there are so many things I'll miss about you. The way you smell of ocean in the morning, that one angry homeless lady on the pier, and your extremely tight vagina. And of course, the reason we fell in the first place: what Lebron is to basketball, I am to white man dancing. And just like Bron needs a hoop and a ball to do his thing, I needed Sangria. They haven't seen a white man move like that since Jim Plunkett and Todd Christensen led the LA Raiders to Superbowl 18.
You're beautiful, it has nothing to do with that. No, Santa Monica's ass is not better than yours, you don't need a boob job - I'm not moving to Beverly Hills, for Christ Sakes. But let's be honest, there's no hotness in the world that can compare to a shorter commute. And did I tell you Santa Monica comes with a washer and dryer?
(Hermosa is in hysterics)
I know, you can't compete with that. You know I've always wanted to never worry about quarters, this is my dream! Let's focus on the positive, we'll always have the last four years together, no one can ever take that away. Think of all the movies we wrote together that no one liked, you can't put a price tag on that!
All right, good luck, maybe I'll be back someday.
(Hermosa gets pissed)
Now why would you go and fuck Wilmer Valderrama? That kind of revenge is just cruel. Look, I won't fuck Kimberly Stewart if you won't fuck Valderrama, deal?
Thank you. You may not fully understand this now, but I will truly miss you. You were the best. And we were quite a couple.
(I hug Hermosa)
Goodbye, Hermosa Beach.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Friday, December 16, 2005
Anatomy of a Spec Option
I've talked about "Creative Screenwriting" here before, and they have a section at the beginning of the magazine called "Anatomy of a Spec Sale". It's a little article about people who have sold screenplays recently and they're personal story and how they got it sold. It's really depressing and draws upon all of the insecurities and jealousies you can have as a writer. Mostly because they leave out all of the bad stuff.
These are tall tales of quick deals and big money, with big stars attached and big movies being made. And then after they sell the thing they immediately have five other things they are now working on, one of which is invariably Scooby Doo 3. Well, I just optioned a spec screenplay, I didn't sell it, but here is my tall tale of how it went down. With only the bad parts included.
October, 2004 - I write the greatest, most hilarious screenplay of all time (at least according to me). It's very current and topical, and is hitting on a trend that is huge at this moment in time, this is something that should be made immediately so it can capitalize on what is going in pop culture. Only one problem - I don't have an agent.
November, 2004 - All my friends think it's brilliant. All my agent connections think it's bird flu.
December, 2004 - An executive at a studio thinks it's good and has potential, but he can't do anything with it right now.
The Usher movie goes into production, I don't have an agent.
Let me just go on a slight tangent here, as what just happened at this point is my biggest problem with the industry. You can send your shit to every agent in town and they, in most cases, will never get back to you. And if they do, they'll tell you some bullshit about how it's not right for them or how the script "doesn't fit the marketplace at the current time".
So they are the gatekeepers, they are basically keeping stuff from the production companies and the studios which I guess in some sense is there job. But, if you are able to get your material to the production company or the studios, sometimes they will like it. And then you think to yourself, "oh, so agents are going to be clamoring for me since the people they service now want my shit". Wrong.
These motherfucking agents are so fucking arrogant that they don't care. It's still "not for them". It doesn't matter if it's not for you, fuckers, you're not making the movies!!! You are supposed to be helping writers sell shit and helping the studios read good shit. So if the studios read something they like by a writer who isn't represented, you douchebags should have no say about it. So here I was in the position of having studio people like my shit, a movie I wrote being produced with a major studio and star, and still, agent's treated me like I had bird flu. But I'm not bitter.
December, 2004 to April, 2005 - Bird flu.
April, 2005 - A DIFFERENT executive at that same studio from earlier calls me out of the blue. The other guy gave him the script and he LOVES it. We talk about it for awhile, and he asks me a bunch of questions about what I envision for the movie (in terms of tone and such). It came down to this, he wanted the script to be like a Farrelly Brothers movie and I wasn't so sure.
I never heard from him again.
I call my TV agent (who I got the month earlier when I sent him 2 pages of Britney Spears jokes. Seriously.). He is flabbergasted - "He shouldn't be calling you directly! You should have an agent here dealing with stuff like that!" No shit, Sherlock. By the way, agent, I sent you this script earlier and you bird flued it, so what the fuck?
I never hear from my agent again about this.
July, 2005 - The same guy who liked it originally calls me - it's time. He still loves it, and he wants to option it and me to rewrite it and then he's going to try and get a major actress involved. Score! Okay, "optioning" it is not selling it, and there's about a 6 figure difference involved there. but still, score!
I call my agent and tell him. He doesn't understand what script I am talking about. I explain it to him. He tells me to send it over. I tell him I sent it over 6 months ago. I ask him if I can parlay this into a feature agent. He says probably not.
Okay, keep in mind that at this point the Usher movie is in the can, set for a Thanksgiving release, with screenplay credit by me, and is by all accounts going to be huge (little did I know that these were the good ole days). Let me repeat, can I get a feature agent there? Agent: Probably not. So I have a movie MADE, not even getting made, made, and now I'm getting another optioned by people who greenlight movies, but I'm not worthy of an agent. What's an agent's job again? Oh yeah, it's to collect money from writers who have already made it.
Oh my God, people, and you wonder why I'm bitter. How can I not be?
August, 2005 - Mr. Big sends the paperwork over for the option. I am unsure with some of the stipulations. I go after my agent again. Finally, someone in the feature department will read my script and look at the contract. Wow, thanks a lot, you are so generous. And they really think that they are.
September, 2005 - The feature agent reads the script, she likes it. Well, she likes the first 30 pages of it, which apparently is enough. She agrees to "get involved". She then hands me off to a big shot lawyer to handle the contract (her function in all of this is unclear).
I meet with the big shot lawyer. He is cool. Because I have been shit on for the last year I ask him the only question that makes sense to me: "Why do you want to help me?" I don't remember his answer, but it has something to do with this: he understands how fucked up this whole process is, and he figures if I made it to him I must have something going on because these agents are fuckheads, and actually just making it into his office is a huge achievement, and warrants him helping me out because he figures I might have a chance at something.
He asks me a bunch of questions about myself, which I answer lamely because I've never had anyone in the industry interested in me and I suck at talking about myself. I mention the Usher movie. His ears perk up. He says, "That's weird, why wouldn't your agent mention that?" WELCOME TO MY WORLD, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU'VE JUST BEEN INFECTED WITH BIRD FLU!!!
He looks at the contract.
October, 2005 - He's still looking at the contract. Did I mention that this script was topical and needed to be made as soon as possible or else be rendered old fashioned?
November, 2005 - He attempts to get a better deal.
December, 2005 - He gets a better deal (look back, that phone call announcing that they wanted to option it came in July. July!).
Yesterday - I sign the deal.
Now I have to rewrite it and actually begin the whole thing, which I remind you really began in October of 2004.
Welcome to Hollywood, Douchebag!
These are tall tales of quick deals and big money, with big stars attached and big movies being made. And then after they sell the thing they immediately have five other things they are now working on, one of which is invariably Scooby Doo 3. Well, I just optioned a spec screenplay, I didn't sell it, but here is my tall tale of how it went down. With only the bad parts included.
October, 2004 - I write the greatest, most hilarious screenplay of all time (at least according to me). It's very current and topical, and is hitting on a trend that is huge at this moment in time, this is something that should be made immediately so it can capitalize on what is going in pop culture. Only one problem - I don't have an agent.
November, 2004 - All my friends think it's brilliant. All my agent connections think it's bird flu.
December, 2004 - An executive at a studio thinks it's good and has potential, but he can't do anything with it right now.
The Usher movie goes into production, I don't have an agent.
Let me just go on a slight tangent here, as what just happened at this point is my biggest problem with the industry. You can send your shit to every agent in town and they, in most cases, will never get back to you. And if they do, they'll tell you some bullshit about how it's not right for them or how the script "doesn't fit the marketplace at the current time".
So they are the gatekeepers, they are basically keeping stuff from the production companies and the studios which I guess in some sense is there job. But, if you are able to get your material to the production company or the studios, sometimes they will like it. And then you think to yourself, "oh, so agents are going to be clamoring for me since the people they service now want my shit". Wrong.
These motherfucking agents are so fucking arrogant that they don't care. It's still "not for them". It doesn't matter if it's not for you, fuckers, you're not making the movies!!! You are supposed to be helping writers sell shit and helping the studios read good shit. So if the studios read something they like by a writer who isn't represented, you douchebags should have no say about it. So here I was in the position of having studio people like my shit, a movie I wrote being produced with a major studio and star, and still, agent's treated me like I had bird flu. But I'm not bitter.
December, 2004 to April, 2005 - Bird flu.
April, 2005 - A DIFFERENT executive at that same studio from earlier calls me out of the blue. The other guy gave him the script and he LOVES it. We talk about it for awhile, and he asks me a bunch of questions about what I envision for the movie (in terms of tone and such). It came down to this, he wanted the script to be like a Farrelly Brothers movie and I wasn't so sure.
I never heard from him again.
I call my TV agent (who I got the month earlier when I sent him 2 pages of Britney Spears jokes. Seriously.). He is flabbergasted - "He shouldn't be calling you directly! You should have an agent here dealing with stuff like that!" No shit, Sherlock. By the way, agent, I sent you this script earlier and you bird flued it, so what the fuck?
I never hear from my agent again about this.
July, 2005 - The same guy who liked it originally calls me - it's time. He still loves it, and he wants to option it and me to rewrite it and then he's going to try and get a major actress involved. Score! Okay, "optioning" it is not selling it, and there's about a 6 figure difference involved there. but still, score!
I call my agent and tell him. He doesn't understand what script I am talking about. I explain it to him. He tells me to send it over. I tell him I sent it over 6 months ago. I ask him if I can parlay this into a feature agent. He says probably not.
Okay, keep in mind that at this point the Usher movie is in the can, set for a Thanksgiving release, with screenplay credit by me, and is by all accounts going to be huge (little did I know that these were the good ole days). Let me repeat, can I get a feature agent there? Agent: Probably not. So I have a movie MADE, not even getting made, made, and now I'm getting another optioned by people who greenlight movies, but I'm not worthy of an agent. What's an agent's job again? Oh yeah, it's to collect money from writers who have already made it.
Oh my God, people, and you wonder why I'm bitter. How can I not be?
August, 2005 - Mr. Big sends the paperwork over for the option. I am unsure with some of the stipulations. I go after my agent again. Finally, someone in the feature department will read my script and look at the contract. Wow, thanks a lot, you are so generous. And they really think that they are.
September, 2005 - The feature agent reads the script, she likes it. Well, she likes the first 30 pages of it, which apparently is enough. She agrees to "get involved". She then hands me off to a big shot lawyer to handle the contract (her function in all of this is unclear).
I meet with the big shot lawyer. He is cool. Because I have been shit on for the last year I ask him the only question that makes sense to me: "Why do you want to help me?" I don't remember his answer, but it has something to do with this: he understands how fucked up this whole process is, and he figures if I made it to him I must have something going on because these agents are fuckheads, and actually just making it into his office is a huge achievement, and warrants him helping me out because he figures I might have a chance at something.
He asks me a bunch of questions about myself, which I answer lamely because I've never had anyone in the industry interested in me and I suck at talking about myself. I mention the Usher movie. His ears perk up. He says, "That's weird, why wouldn't your agent mention that?" WELCOME TO MY WORLD, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU'VE JUST BEEN INFECTED WITH BIRD FLU!!!
He looks at the contract.
October, 2005 - He's still looking at the contract. Did I mention that this script was topical and needed to be made as soon as possible or else be rendered old fashioned?
November, 2005 - He attempts to get a better deal.
December, 2005 - He gets a better deal (look back, that phone call announcing that they wanted to option it came in July. July!).
Yesterday - I sign the deal.
Now I have to rewrite it and actually begin the whole thing, which I remind you really began in October of 2004.
Welcome to Hollywood, Douchebag!
Thursday, December 15, 2005
I guess I can take heart...
At midnight, I like to watch "Golden Girls" on Lifetime. Yes, I'm a loser, but let's get past it. Anyway, the last season just got finished and they've decided to start showing the "Golden Girls" spinoff. "The Golden Girls" was an amazing show, "The Golden Girls" spinoff was not.
Oh, you didn't know that there was a "Golden Girls" spinoff? Take pride in not knowing that. Yes, at a certain point, Bea Arthur decided to leave the show but the other ladies wanted to stay on. So instead of just keeping the same show minus Bea, they kept the three remaining characters but switched up the premise a bit.
Rose, Blanche, and Sofia take ownership of a hotel in Miami, and the show revolves around them running the thing. But don't you worry, the old bags have help - in the form of the hotel's cook, and a black guy. Now, here's where it gets interesting.
The cook is, of course, Mexican (the audience of the Comedy Fiesta would love that), and is played by...Cheech Marin. And the black guy is played touchingly by...a young Don Cheadle. Yes, before Hotel Rwanda Cheadle was managing the Hotel Broken Hip. It's pretty crazy.
Anyway, so I'm watching the show tonight and the opening credits came on. Guess who the Supervising Producer is? One Mitchell Hurwitz. Who is Mitchell Hurwitz? The guy who created "Arrested Development". And then the name of the writer who wrote the episode came on, and it was...Marc Cherry, who is, of course, the man behind "Desperate Housewives". Dude, "Golden Palace" is packing Hurwitz, Cheadle, Cherry, and Estelle Getty! That's insane.
The point is, talented people make crap sometimes, and most of the time it's not their fault. It's just kinda the way Hollywood works, at least until you get some power. And as DJ Quik always says "First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the pussy, fool don't be no dummy."
So I guess what I'm saying is, all I want for Christmas is some motherfucking power.
Oh, you didn't know that there was a "Golden Girls" spinoff? Take pride in not knowing that. Yes, at a certain point, Bea Arthur decided to leave the show but the other ladies wanted to stay on. So instead of just keeping the same show minus Bea, they kept the three remaining characters but switched up the premise a bit.
Rose, Blanche, and Sofia take ownership of a hotel in Miami, and the show revolves around them running the thing. But don't you worry, the old bags have help - in the form of the hotel's cook, and a black guy. Now, here's where it gets interesting.
The cook is, of course, Mexican (the audience of the Comedy Fiesta would love that), and is played by...Cheech Marin. And the black guy is played touchingly by...a young Don Cheadle. Yes, before Hotel Rwanda Cheadle was managing the Hotel Broken Hip. It's pretty crazy.
Anyway, so I'm watching the show tonight and the opening credits came on. Guess who the Supervising Producer is? One Mitchell Hurwitz. Who is Mitchell Hurwitz? The guy who created "Arrested Development". And then the name of the writer who wrote the episode came on, and it was...Marc Cherry, who is, of course, the man behind "Desperate Housewives". Dude, "Golden Palace" is packing Hurwitz, Cheadle, Cherry, and Estelle Getty! That's insane.
The point is, talented people make crap sometimes, and most of the time it's not their fault. It's just kinda the way Hollywood works, at least until you get some power. And as DJ Quik always says "First you get the power, then you get the money, then you get the pussy, fool don't be no dummy."
So I guess what I'm saying is, all I want for Christmas is some motherfucking power.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen
KING KONG
Finally, after we've all been clamoring for it, Hollywood at last gets to making a new version of King Kong. I guess all those petitions and websites and letters paid off. I haven't been this excited since Matthew Broderick teamed up with Godzilla.
Even not seeing this movie, I can already tell you that it's way too long. Maybe it wouldn't have cost $300 million bucks to make if it's running time wasn't 10 hours. There's not enough story, the action sequences are pretty cool, but a lot of shit looks fake. Okay, this drives me nuts. If I have to hear one more director or effects guy tell me how he can recreate anything and make it look photographic real i'm going to go ape shit myself.
Look dorks, a lot of your shit doesn't look good. It's basically just one step up from Roger Rabbit to me. It's fucking cartoons! You're not fooling anyone! I watched this "Lord of the Rings: Two Towers" crap this weekend and for most of the film I thought Gollum was MC Skat Cat. Seriously, what the fuck? It's laughable. It doesn't look real. It's a drawing from a computer and we all know it, so please stop it.
And by the way, it's not depressing at all that Adrien Brody is a leading man, but I can't get a date. Sure, that's fair. This guy almost dies in the movie when Kong mistakes his schnoz for a banana.
Oh, another thing that's not depressing: this guy Andy Serkis. This idiot gets paid to do motion capture for the cartoon characters, and the press for some reason acts like he's fricking De Niro. "Can you believe it? He did Kong's movements, he's the same guy who did Gollum!" Wow, that's impressive. I'm not at all bitter that this guy gets paid 6 figures to do monkey movements. You want to impress me? Actually act in the movie.
Bottom line, Peter Jackson knows how to make a big movie and it's entertaining, but you'll forget about it 2 seconds after it's over, but remember 2 seconds after that when you start seeing commercials for King Kong 2: Curse of Brody's Schnoz.
THE PRODUCERS
I liked it the first time I saw it, when it was called "The Producers" and there was less singing and less Nathan Lane.
MATCH POINT
Woody Allen's latest and I heard it's amazing, so of course it was a little disappointing - but still good. It's pretty intense, and not funny like you'd think a Woody Allen movie would be. But here's the problem with it: Scarlett Johannsen is the "hot" girl. Have I not talked about this enough? Why do these guys insist on putting non-hot girls in hot roles? I know there's hot girls in Hollywood, I see them everyday, and guess what? Scarlett ain't one of them. Anyone who can believably be a romantic interest for Bill Murray at this point is automatically not hot. She's a good actress, I don't deny it, but I'm not risking my weiner for her. Keep in mind: this was a girl who's ass was the focal point of the entire title sequence for "Lost in Translation", and what that ass was covered in was granny panties. Why? Cause she got a granny ass!
And by the way, the movie's too long.
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
It's a tour de force! Asians, Asians, everywhere Asians! More Asians than the dance floor at White Lotus on a Friday night! This movie should've been longer!
FUN WITH DICK AND JANE
Maybe they should've called it: "No Fun With Dick and Jane". Aren't critics clever? This movie is surprisingly good. I mean, how can it not be when it not only stars Jim Carrey and Alec Baldwin, but also Tea Leoni, the Lucille Ball of her generation? There's some good jokes in this, as there should be - Judd Apatow wrote some of it. Overrall, a decent comedy and people will be happy because Jim Carrey stays in that tiny cage they've stuffed him into. The only drawback of the film is that it's a bit too long.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
I can't give it an honest review because not only did I not see it, I don't even want to think about not seeing it. Oh, and did I mention it was too long? Don't these people know I have to get to the dance floor at White Lotus?
Finally, after we've all been clamoring for it, Hollywood at last gets to making a new version of King Kong. I guess all those petitions and websites and letters paid off. I haven't been this excited since Matthew Broderick teamed up with Godzilla.
Even not seeing this movie, I can already tell you that it's way too long. Maybe it wouldn't have cost $300 million bucks to make if it's running time wasn't 10 hours. There's not enough story, the action sequences are pretty cool, but a lot of shit looks fake. Okay, this drives me nuts. If I have to hear one more director or effects guy tell me how he can recreate anything and make it look photographic real i'm going to go ape shit myself.
Look dorks, a lot of your shit doesn't look good. It's basically just one step up from Roger Rabbit to me. It's fucking cartoons! You're not fooling anyone! I watched this "Lord of the Rings: Two Towers" crap this weekend and for most of the film I thought Gollum was MC Skat Cat. Seriously, what the fuck? It's laughable. It doesn't look real. It's a drawing from a computer and we all know it, so please stop it.
And by the way, it's not depressing at all that Adrien Brody is a leading man, but I can't get a date. Sure, that's fair. This guy almost dies in the movie when Kong mistakes his schnoz for a banana.
Oh, another thing that's not depressing: this guy Andy Serkis. This idiot gets paid to do motion capture for the cartoon characters, and the press for some reason acts like he's fricking De Niro. "Can you believe it? He did Kong's movements, he's the same guy who did Gollum!" Wow, that's impressive. I'm not at all bitter that this guy gets paid 6 figures to do monkey movements. You want to impress me? Actually act in the movie.
Bottom line, Peter Jackson knows how to make a big movie and it's entertaining, but you'll forget about it 2 seconds after it's over, but remember 2 seconds after that when you start seeing commercials for King Kong 2: Curse of Brody's Schnoz.
THE PRODUCERS
I liked it the first time I saw it, when it was called "The Producers" and there was less singing and less Nathan Lane.
MATCH POINT
Woody Allen's latest and I heard it's amazing, so of course it was a little disappointing - but still good. It's pretty intense, and not funny like you'd think a Woody Allen movie would be. But here's the problem with it: Scarlett Johannsen is the "hot" girl. Have I not talked about this enough? Why do these guys insist on putting non-hot girls in hot roles? I know there's hot girls in Hollywood, I see them everyday, and guess what? Scarlett ain't one of them. Anyone who can believably be a romantic interest for Bill Murray at this point is automatically not hot. She's a good actress, I don't deny it, but I'm not risking my weiner for her. Keep in mind: this was a girl who's ass was the focal point of the entire title sequence for "Lost in Translation", and what that ass was covered in was granny panties. Why? Cause she got a granny ass!
And by the way, the movie's too long.
MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
It's a tour de force! Asians, Asians, everywhere Asians! More Asians than the dance floor at White Lotus on a Friday night! This movie should've been longer!
FUN WITH DICK AND JANE
Maybe they should've called it: "No Fun With Dick and Jane". Aren't critics clever? This movie is surprisingly good. I mean, how can it not be when it not only stars Jim Carrey and Alec Baldwin, but also Tea Leoni, the Lucille Ball of her generation? There's some good jokes in this, as there should be - Judd Apatow wrote some of it. Overrall, a decent comedy and people will be happy because Jim Carrey stays in that tiny cage they've stuffed him into. The only drawback of the film is that it's a bit too long.
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA
I can't give it an honest review because not only did I not see it, I don't even want to think about not seeing it. Oh, and did I mention it was too long? Don't these people know I have to get to the dance floor at White Lotus?
Monday, December 12, 2005
A Richard Pryor Story
I wasn't a Richard Pryor guy. This has less to do with the man's talent than with the generation I grew up in. I was an Eddie Murphy guy - of course I stopped being an Eddie Murphy guy right around the time he started thinking he was "handsome" and began doing talking animal movies, but that's another story. I don't really know Pryor's stuff all that well, but after listening to a marathon of him on satellite radio today I'm pretty sure that it consisted of a lot of "nigga" and "fuck/shit" talk. I respect that. But more importantly, I respect that the guy's I love all seem to give this guy props for everything.
A friend told me this story and I'm probably going to get it slightly wrong so I apologize in advance, but I thought it's pretty good and light of Pryor's passing the other day, I thought I'd share it here.
This takes place about ten or so years ago at the Improv on the Sunset strip. Eddie Griffin was one of the comics performing that night. And it probably doesn't surprise any of you to hear that Eddie thinks pretty highly of himself (even after Deuce Bigelow 2). If you've ever seen him do standup, you know that he has some talent and is fairly funny, but some (me) would say he ventures into Martin Lawrence huge head territory quite often. Terrell Owens likes to say "I love me some me!" Well, Eddie loves him some Eddie, and sometimes he doesn't tell jokes as much as he just acts big and cartoony and "black".
Anyway, on this particular night there were whispers that Richard Pryor was in the building. This got everyone nervous, because in the standup world, Pryor is king. It would be akin to trying to suck in front of Ashlee Simpson or something.
Sure enough, Pryor was in his wheelchair off to the side taking in the show. Comics go up and do their thing. And then it's Eddie's turn. He goes up and and I believe, by all accounts, kills. He's very funny and very proud of himself. Backstage as he is patting himself on the back, a guy comes up to him and says "Eddie, Richard wants to talk to you."
Well, obviously Eddie is stoked. He smiles big and basically says to everyone that "this is my coronation", etc. The others pretend to be happy for him even though they now hate him even more than they hated him after he got a role in "House Party 3".
Eddie walks out and spots Pryor in the wheelchair and goes over. Eddie tells him how much he loves him and how much of a fan he is and all that bullshit. Richard just waves Eddie in close, so Eddie leans in to hear what the great Richard Pryor wants to say to him. He waits for it, and then finally Richard looks up at him and says:
"Stop stealing my shit".
And wheels off.
A friend told me this story and I'm probably going to get it slightly wrong so I apologize in advance, but I thought it's pretty good and light of Pryor's passing the other day, I thought I'd share it here.
This takes place about ten or so years ago at the Improv on the Sunset strip. Eddie Griffin was one of the comics performing that night. And it probably doesn't surprise any of you to hear that Eddie thinks pretty highly of himself (even after Deuce Bigelow 2). If you've ever seen him do standup, you know that he has some talent and is fairly funny, but some (me) would say he ventures into Martin Lawrence huge head territory quite often. Terrell Owens likes to say "I love me some me!" Well, Eddie loves him some Eddie, and sometimes he doesn't tell jokes as much as he just acts big and cartoony and "black".
Anyway, on this particular night there were whispers that Richard Pryor was in the building. This got everyone nervous, because in the standup world, Pryor is king. It would be akin to trying to suck in front of Ashlee Simpson or something.
Sure enough, Pryor was in his wheelchair off to the side taking in the show. Comics go up and do their thing. And then it's Eddie's turn. He goes up and and I believe, by all accounts, kills. He's very funny and very proud of himself. Backstage as he is patting himself on the back, a guy comes up to him and says "Eddie, Richard wants to talk to you."
Well, obviously Eddie is stoked. He smiles big and basically says to everyone that "this is my coronation", etc. The others pretend to be happy for him even though they now hate him even more than they hated him after he got a role in "House Party 3".
Eddie walks out and spots Pryor in the wheelchair and goes over. Eddie tells him how much he loves him and how much of a fan he is and all that bullshit. Richard just waves Eddie in close, so Eddie leans in to hear what the great Richard Pryor wants to say to him. He waits for it, and then finally Richard looks up at him and says:
"Stop stealing my shit".
And wheels off.
Friday, December 09, 2005
My Nightly Hell
This is a transcript of every conversation I have upon meeting new people now:
PERSON
So what do you do?
ME
I'm a writer.
PERSON
(mildly impressed)
Oh really? What do you write? Film? TV?
ME
(self-loathing)
Both.
PERSON
Have you written anything I've seen?
ME
Well, I wrote this movie called "In the Mix".
PERSON
(confused)
In the Mix? Is it getting made?
ME
Yeah. It got made.
PERSON
Wow, that's amazing! You must be so excited!
ME
Sorta.
PERSON
Is that coming out in the theaters?
ME
Yeah.
PERSON
When?
ME
Actually, it came out a couple weeks ago.
PERSON
Really? Who's in it?
ME
Usher.
PERSON
(lying)
Oh, I like him. So it's out in the theaters?
ME
Yep.
PERSON
(lying)
I haven't been to the movies in a long time...
(BEAT)
How'd it do?
ME
Not good.
PERSON
Well, at least a movie you wrote got made. You wrote it yourself, right?
ME
Not really.
PERSON
Oh. Did you sell the script originally?
ME
No. It's kind of a long story.
PERSON
(uncomfortable)
Are you working on anything now?
ME
Well, I write on a show for Comedy Central.
PERSON
Oh, that's cool. What show?
ME
Mind of Mencia.
PERSON
What?
ME
Mind of Mencia.
PERSON
Mind of Mench?
ME
Mencia. It's the name of a comedian, Carlos Mencia.
PERSON
I think I've heard of him. When is that show coming on?
ME
Actually, it's been on. We finished the first season a couple months ago, and the second season comes on next year.
PERSON
Oh. Is it a sitcom?
ME
No. It's kind of like Chappelle's Show.
PERSON
(lying again)
Well, I don't have cable, so...
ME
It does really well, ratings wise.
PERSON
(in no way believing that)
Oh. Congratulations!
The person looks for someone else to talk to.
ME
Waiter? Another 7 and 7, please.
PERSON
So what do you do?
ME
I'm a writer.
PERSON
(mildly impressed)
Oh really? What do you write? Film? TV?
ME
(self-loathing)
Both.
PERSON
Have you written anything I've seen?
ME
Well, I wrote this movie called "In the Mix".
PERSON
(confused)
In the Mix? Is it getting made?
ME
Yeah. It got made.
PERSON
Wow, that's amazing! You must be so excited!
ME
Sorta.
PERSON
Is that coming out in the theaters?
ME
Yeah.
PERSON
When?
ME
Actually, it came out a couple weeks ago.
PERSON
Really? Who's in it?
ME
Usher.
PERSON
(lying)
Oh, I like him. So it's out in the theaters?
ME
Yep.
PERSON
(lying)
I haven't been to the movies in a long time...
(BEAT)
How'd it do?
ME
Not good.
PERSON
Well, at least a movie you wrote got made. You wrote it yourself, right?
ME
Not really.
PERSON
Oh. Did you sell the script originally?
ME
No. It's kind of a long story.
PERSON
(uncomfortable)
Are you working on anything now?
ME
Well, I write on a show for Comedy Central.
PERSON
Oh, that's cool. What show?
ME
Mind of Mencia.
PERSON
What?
ME
Mind of Mencia.
PERSON
Mind of Mench?
ME
Mencia. It's the name of a comedian, Carlos Mencia.
PERSON
I think I've heard of him. When is that show coming on?
ME
Actually, it's been on. We finished the first season a couple months ago, and the second season comes on next year.
PERSON
Oh. Is it a sitcom?
ME
No. It's kind of like Chappelle's Show.
PERSON
(lying again)
Well, I don't have cable, so...
ME
It does really well, ratings wise.
PERSON
(in no way believing that)
Oh. Congratulations!
The person looks for someone else to talk to.
ME
Waiter? Another 7 and 7, please.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Guest Entry by Scoop Jackson of ESPN
Okay, I told you about the R. Kelly national anthem, but today I read an article about it on espn.com and just had to share it. This is what I would have wrote about it...if I was actually black instead of just thinking I am. I normally hate the fuck out of Scoop Jackson, but this article is GREAT. Enjoy:
By Scoop Jackson
Only in America …
When Michael Buffer said his name before the fight, the room I was in grew quiet. Then it immediately got loud. Most times national anthems don't generate this type of reaction -- the fights or sporting events that follow them do. But in the words of the lil' great Huey Freeman: "Never underestimate how much n----s love R. Kelly."
R. Kelly certainly caused some controversy with his national anthem performance.
Then the beat came in. Then the the panic set in. Then the camera panned out. Then … the phones started ringing.
OK, so my man Kells took the opportunity before the second act of Hopkins/Taylor, the second-biggest fight of the year, to Marvin Gaye the national anthem.
Give it some flavor, show it some love. Cool.
Wrong.
When the cameras showed that he was not in the ring alone -- when it showed that he had "steppers" (classically trained urban dancers) in the ring with him, "steppin'" in the name of patriotism with all the finesse of Herb Kent at the 50 Yard Line steppin' lounge -- it was enough to make Jeff Kent turn black.
Or John Chaney turn white.
But that wasn't it. The Pied Piper didn't stop there.
As he JB Monorailed himself through the lyrics, he then paused. Rode the break in the track, and sang out to the stunned folks in the crowd: "Put your hands together …"
OK, this negro has turned the anthem into a concert.
So when Robert Kelly took it upon himself to, as Stu would say, "straight freak" the national anthem, did he do the same thing? Did he simply keep it true to his people, or did he go overboard? Did he bastardize it, or beautify it?
The phones started ringing again!
When it was all over, a sea of boos could be heard following him out of the ring.
In my basement -- silence, once again. Then … daps, pounds, hugs and screams. Freedom.
Phones finally stopped ringing, because calls finally got answered.
Can you believe it? R. Kelly just stepped-out the anthem! He turned the banner into a steppin' cut! He took it to the hood! He brought it back to Chi-town! Unbelievable! That was incredible! America don't know nothin' 'bout that! Bet it's going to be on the radio tomorrow. Turn the radio on now, I bet they already playing it! Dude's a genius. I gotta call you back, my other phone is ringing.
All of this was being said simultaneously, all at the same time, but not just in my basement. In other black basements, living rooms, clubs, holes in walls, sports bars … anywhere in America where we could get PPV.
In a word: unreal.
But at the same time, to ourselves and to each other, every one of us who experienced R.'s Boondocks moment could all only say one thing, because really there was only one thing to say. As it was so eloquently stated on "Tom Joyner's Morning Show" on Monday: "R. Kelly has finally lost his mind."
Or did he do nothin' wrong?
By Scoop Jackson
Only in America …
When Michael Buffer said his name before the fight, the room I was in grew quiet. Then it immediately got loud. Most times national anthems don't generate this type of reaction -- the fights or sporting events that follow them do. But in the words of the lil' great Huey Freeman: "Never underestimate how much n----s love R. Kelly."
R. Kelly certainly caused some controversy with his national anthem performance.
Then the beat came in. Then the the panic set in. Then the camera panned out. Then … the phones started ringing.
OK, so my man Kells took the opportunity before the second act of Hopkins/Taylor, the second-biggest fight of the year, to Marvin Gaye the national anthem.
Give it some flavor, show it some love. Cool.
Wrong.
When the cameras showed that he was not in the ring alone -- when it showed that he had "steppers" (classically trained urban dancers) in the ring with him, "steppin'" in the name of patriotism with all the finesse of Herb Kent at the 50 Yard Line steppin' lounge -- it was enough to make Jeff Kent turn black.
Or John Chaney turn white.
But that wasn't it. The Pied Piper didn't stop there.
As he JB Monorailed himself through the lyrics, he then paused. Rode the break in the track, and sang out to the stunned folks in the crowd: "Put your hands together …"
OK, this negro has turned the anthem into a concert.
So when Robert Kelly took it upon himself to, as Stu would say, "straight freak" the national anthem, did he do the same thing? Did he simply keep it true to his people, or did he go overboard? Did he bastardize it, or beautify it?
The phones started ringing again!
When it was all over, a sea of boos could be heard following him out of the ring.
In my basement -- silence, once again. Then … daps, pounds, hugs and screams. Freedom.
Phones finally stopped ringing, because calls finally got answered.
Can you believe it? R. Kelly just stepped-out the anthem! He turned the banner into a steppin' cut! He took it to the hood! He brought it back to Chi-town! Unbelievable! That was incredible! America don't know nothin' 'bout that! Bet it's going to be on the radio tomorrow. Turn the radio on now, I bet they already playing it! Dude's a genius. I gotta call you back, my other phone is ringing.
All of this was being said simultaneously, all at the same time, but not just in my basement. In other black basements, living rooms, clubs, holes in walls, sports bars … anywhere in America where we could get PPV.
In a word: unreal.
But at the same time, to ourselves and to each other, every one of us who experienced R.'s Boondocks moment could all only say one thing, because really there was only one thing to say. As it was so eloquently stated on "Tom Joyner's Morning Show" on Monday: "R. Kelly has finally lost his mind."
Or did he do nothin' wrong?
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
First Ever Mailbag: "My Humps"
Unbeknownst to most of you, the ole' mailbag has been filling up concerning my entry about the Black Eyed Peas "My Humps" song. In fact, I've gotten more response concerning that than anything else I've written on here. I had no idea how strong the Peas insane audience is and how much they enjoy the "My Humps" song. It's really strange, actually.
So here are some of the responses, and I assure you that all of these are real:
Irwin,
what the fuck are u going on about the bep are awesome and their song is even better i love the song i think its great what u think u can do better i say GO FUCK URSELF WANKA !!
From: Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, wanka? Apparently I'm huge in London, as are the Peas. Secondly, just because you are critical of something doesn't mean that you think you can do better. You see, I would respect the Peas for saying my shit isn't funny, but with the understanding that Fergie probably couldn't write funnier shit. That is sort of the nature of criticism. Also, I'd like to applaud your unique use of punctuation. You used none until the end, where you went with the 2 exclamation points instead of the three that is standard for yelling. Nice work. And finally, I'd like to say that if I could, in fact, fuck myself, it would make my life a whole lot easier and i wouldn't have to hear about how i'm emotionally distant.
Let's move on:
Irwin,
Fair enough, you don't like the song, but how can you have so much spare time that you can be bothered to write a detailed synopsis on precisely why you hate it? I don't know why this post annoyed me so much. Maybe it's got something to do with your negativity. Lighten up chicken. The world's a beautiful place. Let's not pollute it with no hatin' :)
p.s. poor Fergie, this is the Internet you're writing on, anyone can read it... such as Fergie's mum, Fergie's husband, Fergie herself. How would you like it if someone you didn't know published a statement to the whole world saying you weren't remotely hot?
From: Anonymous
Dear Anonymous #2,
How can I have so much spare time? In case you haven't read, I'm an unemployed comedy writer - writing this shit is an alternative to playing xbox and watching 90210 reruns.
No, I wouldn't like it if someone wrote about me not being hot, but that's why I don't sing songs about how my "humps" can make women buy me stuff.
Irwin,
If you don't like it, you don't like it. I'll have this postmaker that Fergie is indeed Hot, and make History in the Black eyed Peas. Back in the day, BEP were hot and are still hot now. They make wonderful songs. You don't have to scream over the Net you don't like it and that Fergie's not hot. the BEPs could be reading this now, and I'm sure they won't be happy, especially Fergie.
From: Anonymous
Dear Anonymous #3
I'm very confused by you BEP fans. First of all, if Fergie or her "band"mates are reading this blog, then they have bigger issues than just "their humps". Second of all, I can understand loyalty and everything, but is "My Humps" really the song you're going to defend to the death? I mean come on, have you heard the song? will actually says the lyrics: "Whatcha gonna do with all that chest inside that shirt". Stop it.
Irwin,
I'm gonna make make make you scream, make you scream make you scream!
From: Anonymous
I stand corrected, it's a brilliant fucking song.
So here are some of the responses, and I assure you that all of these are real:
Irwin,
what the fuck are u going on about the bep are awesome and their song is even better i love the song i think its great what u think u can do better i say GO FUCK URSELF WANKA !!
From: Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
First of all, wanka? Apparently I'm huge in London, as are the Peas. Secondly, just because you are critical of something doesn't mean that you think you can do better. You see, I would respect the Peas for saying my shit isn't funny, but with the understanding that Fergie probably couldn't write funnier shit. That is sort of the nature of criticism. Also, I'd like to applaud your unique use of punctuation. You used none until the end, where you went with the 2 exclamation points instead of the three that is standard for yelling. Nice work. And finally, I'd like to say that if I could, in fact, fuck myself, it would make my life a whole lot easier and i wouldn't have to hear about how i'm emotionally distant.
Let's move on:
Irwin,
Fair enough, you don't like the song, but how can you have so much spare time that you can be bothered to write a detailed synopsis on precisely why you hate it? I don't know why this post annoyed me so much. Maybe it's got something to do with your negativity. Lighten up chicken. The world's a beautiful place. Let's not pollute it with no hatin' :)
p.s. poor Fergie, this is the Internet you're writing on, anyone can read it... such as Fergie's mum, Fergie's husband, Fergie herself. How would you like it if someone you didn't know published a statement to the whole world saying you weren't remotely hot?
From: Anonymous
Dear Anonymous #2,
How can I have so much spare time? In case you haven't read, I'm an unemployed comedy writer - writing this shit is an alternative to playing xbox and watching 90210 reruns.
No, I wouldn't like it if someone wrote about me not being hot, but that's why I don't sing songs about how my "humps" can make women buy me stuff.
Irwin,
If you don't like it, you don't like it. I'll have this postmaker that Fergie is indeed Hot, and make History in the Black eyed Peas. Back in the day, BEP were hot and are still hot now. They make wonderful songs. You don't have to scream over the Net you don't like it and that Fergie's not hot. the BEPs could be reading this now, and I'm sure they won't be happy, especially Fergie.
From: Anonymous
Dear Anonymous #3
I'm very confused by you BEP fans. First of all, if Fergie or her "band"mates are reading this blog, then they have bigger issues than just "their humps". Second of all, I can understand loyalty and everything, but is "My Humps" really the song you're going to defend to the death? I mean come on, have you heard the song? will actually says the lyrics: "Whatcha gonna do with all that chest inside that shirt". Stop it.
Irwin,
I'm gonna make make make you scream, make you scream make you scream!
From: Anonymous
I stand corrected, it's a brilliant fucking song.
Monday, December 05, 2005
Re-Thinking the Comedy Fiesta
Okay, so I went to Comedy Central's "Last Laugh" last night, which will air next Sunday. It's an annual show in which they have comediens do jokes about the year that was. It kinda had an award show vibe, but it was basically just a bunch of stand up comediens, 2 bands, and some taped comedy bits. I have never been to an award show, but it was kinda weird to note the crowd - industry types in the bottom/good seats, and regular folk upstairs. Comedy can vary wildly because of the crowd (i'm looking at you, dane cook at mtv awards) so it was a particularly interesting dynamic.
Lewis Black performed, I'm not a fan. He just yells. He says normal sentences that you or I would say, but yells them, subliminally telling the audience that it is now time to laugh because I AM YELLING.
Then it was David Spade's turn, and he was great. I was like, oh yeah, this is why I used to like this guy, I had forgot. Comics were supposed to talk about stuff that happened in 2005, but i liked his beginning stuff about vegas.
Next came Lisa Lampanelli, which is where it gets interesting. I love Lisa, and as I wrote here before, she performed at the Comedy Fiesta and KILLED. So she came out, and this was obviously a much different crowd then the fiesta, but Lisa did not lighten up any. If anything, she took things up a notch, actually calling Tom Cruise the biggest fag in the world and saying she had too many bracelets - one for nut cancer, tit cancer, and cunt cancer ("which has hair around it" - i kid you not). So basically, it was her standard material. However, the crowd reaction was not so much laughter as much as it was groaning. I mean, groans. But at the fiesta, people were dying laughing. And then I thought, holy shit, maybe the minority comics from the fiesta were actually right! they kept saying that white people were the only ones who cared about racist jokes and were uptight while blacks and mexicans didn't give a fuck, and this was actually proving to be true. the black and mexican people laughed their asses off to Lisa's racist shtick, while the white people just groaned. So I hereby issue a formal apology to all of the comediens at the comedy fiesta, except for Tracy Morgan, who is still not funny.
I missed David Cross and Greg Giraldo cause I was backstage and that's how I roll. I'm kinda pissed i missed David because I often find him humorous, but i will catch it on the telecast. During this time, I also missed the performance by Death Cab for Cutie, which was very intentional. You see, the OC is dead to me, is dead to us, and Death Cab has become so attached to the Seth Cohen character that it also must be dead.
Next up was my good friend Carlos Mencia. It was funny because since people were supposed to talk about stuff in '05, and I know Carlos has a bunch of stuff on Hurricane Katrina, I assumed that's what he was going to do. And when I went backstage I asked my friends if that's what he was going to do and they said "that's not what he says he's going to do". And then he came out and did 10 minutes on Katrina. And it KILLED. I mean, killed. I don't think I've ever seen anyone kill that big in person. I honestly didn't think it was a great audience for him, but it turns out, I was very, very wrong. He destroyed, and got a standing fucking ovation. Amazing. Everyone around me and on the way out were talking about how great he was. And 2 seat fillers next to me were talking about "Mind of Mencia" and saying it was pretty good. I resisted the urge to ask them if they enjoyed "Desperate Gardeners", but I'm sure it was their favorite bit.
Sara Silverman was last and she did her thing and it was good. She is hotter in person. She did a song, which was good and a funny idea, but I wish she would've done more jokes.
And finally, this is to my friend Drew. Drew, they did a clip of "Chappelle's Show: Season 3", in which they announced that they will show the stuff that they shot for Chappelle's season 3 sometime in 2006. They played some highlights and it looked fucking hilarious. You will not be disappointed, friend.
I will remind you again that you can understand what the hell I am talking about when they air this thing next Sunday on Comedy Central.
And finally, my new year's resolution is to stop writing about R. Kelly, but luckily, it's not next year yet because I saw something this weekend I really had to share.
I am a big boxing fan, and there was a semi-big fight on Saturday which I ordered on pay per view. Before the fight, Michael Buffer (the let's get ready to rumble guy) came on and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the national anthem, which tonight will be peformed by "Mr. Entertainment himself, R. Kelly". I was stoked. No matter what happened with the fight, I knew my 50 bucks was well spent. But while getting excited about what was to take place, I was left wondering when R. had begun calling himself "Mr. Entertainment". The only nicknames I knew he had were: "Kells", "The Pied Piper", and "That Guy Who Pees on Chicks".
Upon his announcement, there was a slight bit of booing - residual ill will from the whole videotaped sex with underage girl thing, I'm guessing. But whatever, there were some cheers.
R. was macked out in a very conservative, smooth suit, with "cool" glasses on - in other words, glasses that he doesn't need but almost make him look smart, except for the fact that his hair is in some nappy ass braids. Anyway, this was a performance by the ever increasing insanity that is R. Kelly, so what happened next?
Can you guess? Anyone?
That's right, a BEAT kicked in. This wasn't the national anthem, this was the National Anthem: The Remix. And what else? He had dancers. He had a couple "stepping" to the beat. And then he starts singing the national anthem as if it was "Step in the Name of Love" or something. I cannot describe how crazy this was. It made "Trapped in the Closet Part 9" make a lot more sense, that's the level of insanity I am talking about. And it was funny because as he's doing it, they cut to crowd shots of old dudes - the kinda dudes who take the national anthem very seriously. I think these guys liked the Ignition remix better than they liked the national anthem remix.
In case you don't know, the remix to the national anthem takes about 7 minutes to sing. So when he finally got done, the boos rained down. Holy shit, the crowd was not happy with the remix, people. Nuts.
Lewis Black performed, I'm not a fan. He just yells. He says normal sentences that you or I would say, but yells them, subliminally telling the audience that it is now time to laugh because I AM YELLING.
Then it was David Spade's turn, and he was great. I was like, oh yeah, this is why I used to like this guy, I had forgot. Comics were supposed to talk about stuff that happened in 2005, but i liked his beginning stuff about vegas.
Next came Lisa Lampanelli, which is where it gets interesting. I love Lisa, and as I wrote here before, she performed at the Comedy Fiesta and KILLED. So she came out, and this was obviously a much different crowd then the fiesta, but Lisa did not lighten up any. If anything, she took things up a notch, actually calling Tom Cruise the biggest fag in the world and saying she had too many bracelets - one for nut cancer, tit cancer, and cunt cancer ("which has hair around it" - i kid you not). So basically, it was her standard material. However, the crowd reaction was not so much laughter as much as it was groaning. I mean, groans. But at the fiesta, people were dying laughing. And then I thought, holy shit, maybe the minority comics from the fiesta were actually right! they kept saying that white people were the only ones who cared about racist jokes and were uptight while blacks and mexicans didn't give a fuck, and this was actually proving to be true. the black and mexican people laughed their asses off to Lisa's racist shtick, while the white people just groaned. So I hereby issue a formal apology to all of the comediens at the comedy fiesta, except for Tracy Morgan, who is still not funny.
I missed David Cross and Greg Giraldo cause I was backstage and that's how I roll. I'm kinda pissed i missed David because I often find him humorous, but i will catch it on the telecast. During this time, I also missed the performance by Death Cab for Cutie, which was very intentional. You see, the OC is dead to me, is dead to us, and Death Cab has become so attached to the Seth Cohen character that it also must be dead.
Next up was my good friend Carlos Mencia. It was funny because since people were supposed to talk about stuff in '05, and I know Carlos has a bunch of stuff on Hurricane Katrina, I assumed that's what he was going to do. And when I went backstage I asked my friends if that's what he was going to do and they said "that's not what he says he's going to do". And then he came out and did 10 minutes on Katrina. And it KILLED. I mean, killed. I don't think I've ever seen anyone kill that big in person. I honestly didn't think it was a great audience for him, but it turns out, I was very, very wrong. He destroyed, and got a standing fucking ovation. Amazing. Everyone around me and on the way out were talking about how great he was. And 2 seat fillers next to me were talking about "Mind of Mencia" and saying it was pretty good. I resisted the urge to ask them if they enjoyed "Desperate Gardeners", but I'm sure it was their favorite bit.
Sara Silverman was last and she did her thing and it was good. She is hotter in person. She did a song, which was good and a funny idea, but I wish she would've done more jokes.
And finally, this is to my friend Drew. Drew, they did a clip of "Chappelle's Show: Season 3", in which they announced that they will show the stuff that they shot for Chappelle's season 3 sometime in 2006. They played some highlights and it looked fucking hilarious. You will not be disappointed, friend.
I will remind you again that you can understand what the hell I am talking about when they air this thing next Sunday on Comedy Central.
And finally, my new year's resolution is to stop writing about R. Kelly, but luckily, it's not next year yet because I saw something this weekend I really had to share.
I am a big boxing fan, and there was a semi-big fight on Saturday which I ordered on pay per view. Before the fight, Michael Buffer (the let's get ready to rumble guy) came on and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the national anthem, which tonight will be peformed by "Mr. Entertainment himself, R. Kelly". I was stoked. No matter what happened with the fight, I knew my 50 bucks was well spent. But while getting excited about what was to take place, I was left wondering when R. had begun calling himself "Mr. Entertainment". The only nicknames I knew he had were: "Kells", "The Pied Piper", and "That Guy Who Pees on Chicks".
Upon his announcement, there was a slight bit of booing - residual ill will from the whole videotaped sex with underage girl thing, I'm guessing. But whatever, there were some cheers.
R. was macked out in a very conservative, smooth suit, with "cool" glasses on - in other words, glasses that he doesn't need but almost make him look smart, except for the fact that his hair is in some nappy ass braids. Anyway, this was a performance by the ever increasing insanity that is R. Kelly, so what happened next?
Can you guess? Anyone?
That's right, a BEAT kicked in. This wasn't the national anthem, this was the National Anthem: The Remix. And what else? He had dancers. He had a couple "stepping" to the beat. And then he starts singing the national anthem as if it was "Step in the Name of Love" or something. I cannot describe how crazy this was. It made "Trapped in the Closet Part 9" make a lot more sense, that's the level of insanity I am talking about. And it was funny because as he's doing it, they cut to crowd shots of old dudes - the kinda dudes who take the national anthem very seriously. I think these guys liked the Ignition remix better than they liked the national anthem remix.
In case you don't know, the remix to the national anthem takes about 7 minutes to sing. So when he finally got done, the boos rained down. Holy shit, the crowd was not happy with the remix, people. Nuts.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Public Enemy #1: Chris Abdul Wahad Cringle
Fox News is such crazy land that I usually don't say anything about their antics, but after what's gone on the last couple of weeks I feel like it must be commented on. You see, according to Fox News, the number one problem in America isn't the war in Iraq or terrorism or global warming or gas prices or TomKat or the CIA leak case or even missing white girls. Nope, the number one problem in our country right now is...the war on Christmas.
Oh, you haven't heard about it? Sure, thousands of died in Iraq, but what about the thousands wasting their time getting upset about the war on Christmas. I actually first heard about this insane notion about a month ago. While in Barnes and Noble, I was perusing the new releases section and happened by a book called the "War on Christmas", written by the one and only John Gibson. Who is John Gibson? He is the douchebag who fills in for Bill O'Reilly on the O'Reilly Factor on Fridays and does spot duty on other Fox News shows. I laughed it off, and thought about how this whole "Lefty liberal/Righty Conservative" book thing has gotten really out of control, but glad that Gibson had written a book so silly and had exposed himself to the world for the douchebag that he is.
Well, I shouldn't been surprised to see in the last couple of weeks the whole Fox gang picking up on this idea. In fact, O'Reilly has led off with it all week long. And I caught a snippet of his radio show today and guess what he was talking about? Loofa-ing bitches in the shower...and the war on freaking Christmas!
He was saying that something called the "Secular Totalitarianists", a group which I might be a part of, wants to take over the world or something and the only way they can do this is by destroying religion, and the only way they can destroy religion is by making people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". Happy Holidays? Nazi motherfuckers!
First of all, who falls for this stuff? Who are the people in this country that have it so good that they think a huge problem is the sassy black woman at Walmart not saying Merry Christmas? Fuck these people. They are fucking retards, and obviously watch Fox with total seriousness, instead for the comedy that I watch it for.
The funny thing about this is that this whole "war on Christmas" actually stems from the very thing that all Fox News dudes suckle at the teet of - free fucking enterprise! When businesses compete with other businesses, they try to appeal to the most amount of customers, and many of them find that the best way to do this is to not piss off the jews. Jews don't celebrate Christmas, and neither do a lot of other people, so companies have found that it's not a good idea to tell the guys who don't believe in Christ to have a Happy Jesus Birthday.
Now I know what you're thinking, "all right, HandleMAN, we know where you're coming from...jew." Well, I am in fact half-Jewish, and therefore, half-Catholic, and happen to celebrate Christmas. And I love me some Christmas. LOVE it. It was only 2 years ago that my sisters outvoted me 2-1 to stop putting up our stockings! Bastards! Every year, Christmas is my second favorite day (first favorite: NBA draft day). But my point is, I could give a shit about any secular totalitariahwatever's war on anything. Believe me, my xmas this year is not going to be tarnished because I don't hear the words "Merry Christmas" from any sassy black woman at Walmart.
And now a moment while I look at things from the Fox News point of view...
Our core audience is religious folk. Our core audience gets scared of stuff. When our core audience gets scared of stuff, the more they watch us. How do we make our religious core audience scared of stuff? Here's how: talk about liberals a lot. And "secularists". And dirty, dirty Jews. Okay, don't say dirty Jews but imply it a lot. This whole red state/blue state thing is kind of disappearing. Let's bring it back! It worked for us before, it can work again!
okay, i'm glad that's over.
Anyway, it just pisses me off that no one is calling these guys on this stuff. We're entering into this time where people can say whatever they want, like i'm doing, with absolutely nothing backing them up and no truth whatsoever. I just want someone to say something back at these guys, or at the very least, punch them in the face.
Oh, you haven't heard about it? Sure, thousands of died in Iraq, but what about the thousands wasting their time getting upset about the war on Christmas. I actually first heard about this insane notion about a month ago. While in Barnes and Noble, I was perusing the new releases section and happened by a book called the "War on Christmas", written by the one and only John Gibson. Who is John Gibson? He is the douchebag who fills in for Bill O'Reilly on the O'Reilly Factor on Fridays and does spot duty on other Fox News shows. I laughed it off, and thought about how this whole "Lefty liberal/Righty Conservative" book thing has gotten really out of control, but glad that Gibson had written a book so silly and had exposed himself to the world for the douchebag that he is.
Well, I shouldn't been surprised to see in the last couple of weeks the whole Fox gang picking up on this idea. In fact, O'Reilly has led off with it all week long. And I caught a snippet of his radio show today and guess what he was talking about? Loofa-ing bitches in the shower...and the war on freaking Christmas!
He was saying that something called the "Secular Totalitarianists", a group which I might be a part of, wants to take over the world or something and the only way they can do this is by destroying religion, and the only way they can destroy religion is by making people say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". Happy Holidays? Nazi motherfuckers!
First of all, who falls for this stuff? Who are the people in this country that have it so good that they think a huge problem is the sassy black woman at Walmart not saying Merry Christmas? Fuck these people. They are fucking retards, and obviously watch Fox with total seriousness, instead for the comedy that I watch it for.
The funny thing about this is that this whole "war on Christmas" actually stems from the very thing that all Fox News dudes suckle at the teet of - free fucking enterprise! When businesses compete with other businesses, they try to appeal to the most amount of customers, and many of them find that the best way to do this is to not piss off the jews. Jews don't celebrate Christmas, and neither do a lot of other people, so companies have found that it's not a good idea to tell the guys who don't believe in Christ to have a Happy Jesus Birthday.
Now I know what you're thinking, "all right, HandleMAN, we know where you're coming from...jew." Well, I am in fact half-Jewish, and therefore, half-Catholic, and happen to celebrate Christmas. And I love me some Christmas. LOVE it. It was only 2 years ago that my sisters outvoted me 2-1 to stop putting up our stockings! Bastards! Every year, Christmas is my second favorite day (first favorite: NBA draft day). But my point is, I could give a shit about any secular totalitariahwatever's war on anything. Believe me, my xmas this year is not going to be tarnished because I don't hear the words "Merry Christmas" from any sassy black woman at Walmart.
And now a moment while I look at things from the Fox News point of view...
Our core audience is religious folk. Our core audience gets scared of stuff. When our core audience gets scared of stuff, the more they watch us. How do we make our religious core audience scared of stuff? Here's how: talk about liberals a lot. And "secularists". And dirty, dirty Jews. Okay, don't say dirty Jews but imply it a lot. This whole red state/blue state thing is kind of disappearing. Let's bring it back! It worked for us before, it can work again!
okay, i'm glad that's over.
Anyway, it just pisses me off that no one is calling these guys on this stuff. We're entering into this time where people can say whatever they want, like i'm doing, with absolutely nothing backing them up and no truth whatsoever. I just want someone to say something back at these guys, or at the very least, punch them in the face.
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