The Bachelor Girls give me more ammuntion...

When I was growing up, and maybe it's always been this way, it was always said that women were "better" than men. Maybe dudes were just being nice by spreading this myth, you know, because of all the lower pay and the non-voting stuff, but it was always something that people kinda said. I don't know if that makes sense. But the notion was men are barbarians, and they have no taste, and they destroy the world, and they're not as smart, and it was only a matter of time before women took control and rendered men unnecessary (if they hadn't already).

But I think with the Bachelor I can safely say that that theory has been completely dispelled. So let me be the first to say it: women are dumb. And this is coming from a guy who grew up with a lot of women, a lot of strong women, so it's not like I'm some manly man hating on the ladies. I'm practically part lady!. Y'all are fucked up! You can't get along with each other! You're insanely jealous of those hotter than you! Okay, I'm glad I got that off my chest. On with the show...

(Oh, and don't tell me it's the "editing". No, it's not. When it's the Bachelorette, you don't see the guys doing this shit. They're back at the house getting drunk, throwing toga parties, and homoerotically wrestling with each other)

First on the chopping block, it's Susan. She looks great, but boy can she not talk. Holy shit. English sounds like a second language for this broad. Just keep smiling, darling, but stop with all the talky. The girls CRUCIFY her. Come on, that's pure jealousy. Why would they still be bitter? She didn't win. Who cares at this point? Why don't you be good bitches and focus all of your anger and bitterness and jealousy at Moanna?

Anyway, so Susan's bad with the talking. And she doesn't do a good job of defending herself. At all. Maybe she can be an actress, she just needs a script. But what really costs her is when she says "my mom thinks that she lost it for me." LOST IT FOR YOU? You were going out with a guy, not going for the figure skating gold! She's fake and bad, but pretty! And pretty is the most important thing in the world, people. Well, except for maybe crazy and sexy - look at Moanna. No, I take it back. Pretty is more important. Cause you know in a few years Moanna's gonna be divorced with a kid and on the pipe, while Susan's gonna be living with Michael Bay. Fucking Michael Bay.

Next up, Sarah. She was an early favorite, her and Travis had a lot of chemistry. The best part of this segment is when Jennifer calls Sarah "immature", and then they show a clip of Jennifer crying because she burnt hot dogs at the campfire. Awesome!!!

This show officially sucks because crazy Allie G. is not there. Big bucks! I don't blame her though, chick is crazy. Well, I guess I've said they're all crazy. So she's super crazy. Upon watching her meltdown again, I was struck by how obvious it was that the producers set that up. There is no way that they didn't see that coming when they were screening these girls. There's just no hiding that kind of crazy. And I just imagine the little jabbing they were doing to her after the rejection to get her to go off like that. And to that I say, bravo! Nice work, Bachelor producers, more of that please.

Travis comes out and demonstrates everything that is flawed with The Bachelor. He walks on stage and the women go nuts. He's a superstar. Is it really the point in his life where he's going to settle down? He's a fucking rock star. So now he's gonna be committed to Moanna? I don't think so. He's going to have sex with everything that moves starting as soon as the cameras stop rolling. And you know why? Cause he can.

Not that he couldn't before, but trust me, after this, it's going to be some next level shit (i actually don't know why you should trust me as I have no experience in this area. But this is how the fantasy goes after I write and star in my future film franchise).

And by the way, notice that Charlie O'Connell is still with the girl he picked. That's because after he was on The Bachelor, he got LESS pussy. Before he could just get his brother's scraps, but then girls saw him on the show and collectively went "ew".

Oh yeah, bring on the Moanna hate! They hate her so much, it's great. And for no reason I've heard yet! The best reasoning I can understand is that they hate her for not being a total ho. "Oh my God! She doesn't care about being here! What a bitch!" Um, no, that's actually kinda normal. She's not just automatically throwing herself at the guy. I'm really pissed that Susan joins in on this, since if there was no Moanna she would be Moanna.

Wait a minute, Susan just admitted she only was hating because she was jealous! That's the greatest thing I've ever heard! Okay, maybe women aren't dumb. Check that, maybe they're dumb but at least some can admit when they're dumb. And maybe she's not going to end up with that bastard Michael Bay after all. Maybe Alan Thicke.

I was just about to state the obvious, that it's going to be Moanna, but then the preview happened. Oh man, will she hold it together long enough to be the one Travis picks before he starts banging every model in Hollywood? Looks like she's starting to lose it in the finale, that's not good. But Travis has come too far to go back now, and it's not like he has Susan as the alternative, so I'm sticking to my guns: it's Moanna.