For Valentine's Day, a special recap of Last Night's "Bachelor"

(Sorry, I wanted to do a more in depth job with this, but I kinda have a job now)

Okay, here was the situation on "The Bachelor" going into last night's episode. Dr. Travis, aside from wearing a do-rag, was doing a pretty good job. He seems to be way less of a douchebag than previous Bachelors. He had narrowed it down to 3 women, gone to their hometowns to meet their families (who were all INSANE), and now it's time for the "fantasy dates".

First up, it was Moanna in Vienna. Moanna is the pretty attractive nut job. But she seems like the kind of nut job that's fun, at least for a few months. You know, the kind I usually go out with. She's that psycho sexy type, like, you want to see if you can fuck the normal into her (never works by the way).

So they're hanging out, and it's clear that Travis LOVES the crazy. He's making the foolish mistake I've made many times with many insane girls, so I can't really blame him for it. It appears that these two are doing the intense, passionate, we're in love and fuck everyone else thing that usually lasts about 3 weeks in the real world. But for now, it's all good.

At the dinner, Moanna looks incredibly hot. And it occurs to me that sometimes she's beautiful, sometimes not so much. She's a two-face. Unfortunately, both of her faces are crazy.

Travis gives her a long speech, which if you read between the lines, says "I'm going to pick you in the end but you have to excuse the fact that I'm going to go out with the two other girls after this and probably have sex with them, but it's for TV so it's okay." He's picking her for sure.

They go to the "fantasy suite" together and he tries to inject her with the normal, but I know it didn't take.

The next date is with Sara in Vienna. She is the unattractive one (she's not ugly by any means, but she's not nearly as good looking as the other two, and she's out of her league with Travis). She's a school teacher and from the same place as Travis and is completely smart and cool and normal, and they'd be perfect for each other...if she was just a little more attractive.

But it's clear to us all that she is stuck in the friend zone, and she's never getting out. They have a nice time together and she tries to step up her game by giving him the tongue. He's nice and he accepts the tongue, but I don't think it matters, the dye is cast.

At dinner, she gives Travis this great speech about how they are so compatible and she is totally, totally right about everything she says and it almost brings a tear to my eye. Not because it's true, but because it's true and she's still not going to get him. It's the simple law of hotness, and no amount of common sense can overcome it.

And the unfortunate truth is that you don't necessarily want to go out with yourself (especially when yourself is not as attractive as you). What I mean is, sometimes you want the crazy bitch. There's no explaining it but it's a fact. This girl is safe. She's boring. She probably doesn't take well to the dirty talk.

Third date was in the Alps with Susan, the anti-Sara. In other words, this chick is fucking hot!!! I cannot state this enough, she's gorgeous, easily the best looking girl they've ever had the show, and throughout the series it's been kind of sad for the rest of the girls because this girl is so damn hot. But of course, there's a problem. She wants to be an "actress" and move to LA. The way they talk about LA on this show it might as well be AIDS, cause that's how bad it is. "Oooh, she wants to move to LA, she's LA-positive and it might turn into full blown LA."

So there has been a lot of questioning of Susan's motives, which to me was shaky (obviously the girls were jealous), until Travis met her mom and even HER OWN MOTHER thought she was faking the funk! A Bachelor first! But I didn't really even hear any of that because I was so distracted by all of the hot.

They go climbing together and Travis drills her about this. She does a horrible job of explaining herself but Travis pretends to believe her. Then at dinner he questions her again, it's clear that Susan's in trouble. It seems Travis is somehow able to overlook her incredible looks and do the right thing. I, on the other hand, am having a Susan induced masturbation session. Damn, Travis is better than me in every way possible. Wait a minute, check that, I never wear do-rags.

Things are bad for Susan and she knows it so she pulls out the big guns: her boobies (which ironically, are little). She straddles Travis and goes to work. Sadly, she doesn't look like that good of a kisser. Unattractive Sara looked to be a better kisser, which I've found is usually the case. Hot girl/bad kisser is God's little fuck you to us.

We go back to Paris for the rose ceremony. See! Moanna's other face shows up, the not good looking one. Dammit. And there's unattractive, and then Hotty Mc-hot Hot.

First rose goes to...Moanna. I told you, unless one of her faces has a complete and utter break down, she's the one. And the second and final rose goes to...Sara. Seems that bad kissing was the final nail in hotty's coffin.

But the good news is, Susan's now infected with full blown LA! She's gonna need an injection of my special drug COCKtail. Sorry, that was horrible, and yet awesome!

Happy Valentine's Day!