I hang out with Carlos Mencia and this is how I talk now:

There's only one thing I hate more than animals, and that's people who bring their animals out in public. Now, I'm not talking about the people who take their dogs for a walk and stuff like that (although I have my beef with them too - sorry, pamie). I'm talking about the jackass who brings his snake to the beach boardwalk.

Listen douchebag, no one likes your snake. And you're not cool for having the snake, in fact, you're the opposite of cool. You are a loser. Don't think we are confused by you. We can clearly see that you are crying out for the attention your alcoholic mother never gave you. Stop it. Find something else to do to compensate for the emotional hole in your pathetic heart. Try cutting, I've heard that's fun. Just don't bring your snake or your parrot to the God Damn supermarket! When I'm perusing for the perfect peach I don't want to hear how your parrot has a bigger vocabulary than you do. Of course he does. He's smarter than you, that's why he shits on your hand all the time.

I'm not impressed by your "wacky" animal, okay? If you want to impress me, walk around with your penis in your hand because that's exactly what that fucking snake is, so you might as well have the balls to be honest about it.

The unfortunate part about all of this is that I know these guys are getting pussy. I know it. What's with our society that sociopaths attract the most women? I have never been out with a girl for longer than a year, and yet Scott Peterson's been married with a mistress, and now gets marriage proposals every fricking day. This guy's one rattle snake away from fucking supermodels. The worst way to get women in this country is to be a normal person who doesn't wrap a snake around your neck or murder people.

And before you say "but look at the girls they're getting", I've had some dry spells in my day and in those times I have to be honest with you, I wouldn't mind a snake bitch. Oh, you like guys who carry snakes around? That's nice, why don't you suck the venom out of my copperhead.