Goodbye, Youth

So I guess I’m officially old now. 30. Well, it’s not old old, but it’s old to everyone who is younger than 30. When I was growing up, I don’t think I ever thought I would be 30. And if I was that age, I thought I’d be a lot more married. And rich. And in a house. When my dad was my age, he had a house, a wife, and three kids. I have a skateboard. And no, I don’t think 30 is the new 20, I just think I’m emotionally distant and went to college for 6 and a half years.

Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about it all. Truthfully, I think about how I’m getting older everyday, so tomorrow is going to be like every other day. It’s weird. Especially cause I’ve always been the young guy. And cause I act like a young guy. The good news is that I don’t think I would have things too much differently at this point. Maybe I would’ve been a little more bold as far as the ladies are concerned. But I’m doing what I want to do and am pretty happy. I think the only thing I’m bummed about is that people in their ‘20’s are now going to look at me with that sad, sympathetic look. Like the way people look at the guy at the end of a big budget action movie, when everyone knows that I’m the guy who must die so everyone else can live. Fuck you, 20 something year olds! Screw planet Earth, I want to live too!

Okay, I've composed myself.

I don’t have anything else to say about it, at least anything that’s funny. But herewith are some of the moments in TV/Movie/Music/Pop Culture which have shaped me in the last 30 years:

At a swim meet I see my first Playboy ever – featuring a young and hairy Madonna. She looked like she had Don King in a head lock. I am both repulsed and sexually excited at the same time.

Eddie Murphy. “Delirious”. Basically, the entire reason I do comedy (that, and the critical acclaim I receive for writing movies such as “In the Mix”). Unfortunately, this happens:

Dr. Dolittle, Daddy Day Care, and Pluto Nash. I’ve had a pretty good track record with my idols. The guys I liked early on stayed awesome – Tony Gwynn, Magic Johnson, 2pac, R. Kelly…actually, now that I look at it, my idols stay great but tend to fuck everything that moves with no regard for personal safety or the law (except for my beloved Tony). Weird. And I guess same goes for Eddie, but when he got involved with that transsexual hooker that’s when he started to suck. Wait, I’m still tripping out over this crazy sex thing. Why are all my idols sexual deviants? Why are sexual deviants so damn talented? Maybe I should be a little more sexually deviant to up my talent for comedy. Actually, fuck that, I can’t pee when there are people around.

The legacy of me falling in love with 2nd banana guest stars on TV shows officially kicks off during the “Dine and Dash” episode of Silver Spoons, where “The Ricker” likes a “bad” girl. I have no idea who the hell that girl was, but she was blonde and bad in just the right way, and she still has a place in my heart. She was the predecessor of…

The famous “Hand on Boob” girl from the Wonder Years. I instantaneously fall in love with her, and dream of one day making her my lady, until…10 years later, when I get my chance, and she introduces herself by infamously snorting lines from her clown bag of cocaine.

Alex P. Keaton races to the train station to stop Ellen from marrying her fiancé. It is, in my opinion, the best half hour of television (actually, hour - it was a two parter) the ‘80’s ever witnessed, and it also gave me a false sense of idealistic romance that haunts me to this day (and of course “Family Ties” was the inspiration of my name, Irwin “Skippy” Handleman).

In 1986, basketball phenom Len Bias dies right after being picked in the first round of the NBA draft by the Boston Celtics. From all reports, he was a great guy who hadn’t done drugs before (at least that’s what I believed at the time). And then one snort of cocaine and it was all over. I immediately have this conversation in my 10 year old brain: “One snort? That’s all it took? I’m never doing drugs.” I stick to this - I’d like to say it’s because I’m a really good person, but mostly it’s because I have a mild case of OCD that does not allow me to do anything outside of my preset patterns. So it’s not just that I’ve never done drugs, I’ve never had soup, coffee, tea, seafood, asian food, Indian food, milk, cheese on pizza, and countless other things. And I don’t think Len Bias died of a milk overdose. It’s the OCD.

At some point in the late ‘80’s, Malcolm X becomes “cool” and I famously shave an X in the back of my head. Then I buy a Bell Biv Devoe album. I’ve been black ever since.

Can’t Buy Me Love. I mean, there are so many things in this movie that have stayed with me through life it’s hard to properly go through all of them. First of all, it’s yet another example of “movie love” that has ruined me for all of my girlfriends. And it’s also perpetuating the myth of dorky guy gets hot popular girl that doesn’t happen in real life. Plus, it gave us so many classic lines “You shit on my house, man”, “Look, it’s a nerd herd!”, “He went from totally geek, to totally chic”.

Brian Austin Green tries his hand at music on Beverly Hills 90210, including performing his first single “Switch It Up” on multiple episodes, thus putting a black eye on an entire generation of up and coming wiggers and ruining my future music career.

May 6th, 1994 – the Salt N Peppa/R. Kelly concert tour visits my hometown. I attend and my unwavering love of R. begins.

Kimberley takes her wig off to reveal a huge scar on Melrose Place. A visual that haunts us all. We can never see Marcia Cross the same way again, I don’t care how many “hilarious” things happen to her on Desperate Housewives.

Bailey becomes an alcoholic in just 2 episodes of “Part of Five”, starting my most hated trend of characters being able to become addicted to stuff – which was most recently seen in…Desperate Housewives, featuring Kimberly/Bree who I just mentioned.

September 13th, 1996. 2pac dies. I swear to God, at a party the next night at Arizona State, I poured out a little liquor for my dead homie. I keep it real…real dorky.

Joey chooses Pacey, yet again perpetuating the myth in my head that the hot ass girl will in the end choose the quirky, funny dorky guy. Turns out she only fucks gay dudes (this is a Katie Holmes joke, for all of you non-Dawson's Creek fans. Explaining jokes always makes for great comedy).

A theory I’ve held for my entire life is proven correct when Kerri Russell cuts her hair on Felicity. I’ve said it many times to many girls, “Don’t Cut the Hair”. And Felicity will always be Exhibit A.

I get a job on Celebrities Uncensored, and finally show my dad that there is in fact a job for all of the useless information in my head.

Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline. The resulting jokes pave the way for my writing career.

Summer of 2004, DMX does a shit load of drugs, crashes his car at the airport, pulls out a gun, impersonates a police officer and commandeers a car. This is just a typical summer day for Mr. X, but it paved the way for “In the Mix”, starring international superstar and guaranteed huge box office draw, Usher.

Fall of 2004, The Soup. Television has a new star on it’s hands, when I appear for the first time on TV as a topless gay man who is shaving Joel McHale’s legs. It will not be the first time I play a gay, topless man on TV, check Mind of Mencia on Wednesday.

30!