One Last Mischa Thing and Then I'm Done. I Promise.

Every time I think I’m out, she pulls me back in…

I came across this in Newsweek, and since she’s about to fall off the face of the Earth, I couldn’t resist one last chance to make fun of her. (This is a real interview transcript, I didn’t make it up)

NEWSWEEK: I wanted to offer my condolences.

MISCHA BARTON: Well, I was really excited that I get to die, to be honest. I've done pretty much everything else with the character. It was better than one of those lame farewells.

Okay, first of all: “I’ve done pretty much else with the character”. And by that she means I’ve given her my wooden way of talking. And “better than one of those lame farewells”, you mean the kind of farewells where they actually make sense and are enjoyable television? Yeah, thank God you avoided that.

Will you ever return in a dream sequence?

Oh, God. I hope not. That would be cheesy.

You know what else is cheesy? Everything you’ve ever done in your life (besides “The Sixth Sense”).

Was it your decision to leave the show?

No. It was the producers'. But I really think it's best to do movies now. I was also thinking of spending a month in London, living there and taking a course in acting.

Ha! That last sentence is the sole reason I stated up top that I wasn’t making this up! Finally, Mischa has a good idea. I feel bad for the acting teacher. As my dad always says, you can’t make chicken soup out of chicken shit. And by the way, if she’s such a big movie star, why would the producers want her off the show?

But you're already an actress.

Sometimes it's nice to go back to your roots.

EDITOR’S NOTE: She’s not talking about her hair.

Your voice sounds deeper than it does on TV. I have a general transatlantic accent, I suppose. I'm nothing like my character. Are you kidding? I was born in London, raised in New York. She's crazy. I don't understand how anybody could be like her.

Did she say “I don’t understand how anybody could like her”? Cause that I agree with.

You're in New York for the day. Will you go shopping?

I shop very sporadically. I wouldn't say it's a hobby of mine. I also get given a lot of stuff. I'm lucky to be me, I suppose. [To someone in the room] Careful. I have a dog. Please don't let her out.

Who are you talking to?

Room service. I'm in a hotel right now, and I have the puppy with me.

Are you going to walk her?

Yes. She's never seen SoHo or Tribeca, and I grew up there, so I feel it's necessary. But it's horrible, because she's way too little to put down. I have to walk around with her in my arms, and I look like one of those girls who has a small dog.

I love the “I feel it’s necessary” to take the dog to SoHo cause she’s never been there. This is like the perfect storm of everything I hate: insane dog owners and Mischa Barton.

Also, you look like one of those girls who has a small dog? Uh, doesn’t that mean you are one of those girls who has a small dog? That’s like me saying that I'm not gay but I just love to suck some dick. You are one of those girls, bitch!

Okay, I’m done. Let’s move on to “Lost” tonight!!!