Ashlee Simpson, A Nose, and a Wedding Ring

All right, I'm still going crazy about this nose thing. Ashlee has a new video out in which we get to see the new nose in all of it's glory. Up to this point, we've only had occasional glimpses, but this video finally puts it on display for a complete dissection.

Please, go watch the video now.

Listen to how crazy this is: the video begins with her in a boxing ring with another girl. They are fighting each other. Then the other girl takes a big ole' swing and smacks her...in the nose! And she goes down for the count. Is this the explanation? Is this a recreation of what led to the nose job? Is Ashlee a professional boxer and we didn't know, and then she got punched in the nose and that's why she needed the rhino, and it had nothing at all to do with her insane jealousy of her sister and own feelings of insecurity and inferiority? And secondly, is this all premeditated? Did someone think this out and go, "hey, you just had a nose job, let's start the video off with you getting punched in the face?" Did that conversation happen? I must know these things. Get that little douchebag Gideon Yago on this story!

There are closeup shots of the bridge of her nose, people. She's showing off, and God Dammit, why shouldn't she? That thing is fucking amazing! Seriously, who did this surgery? Let this artist be feted with a ticker tape parade and presented with a grand feast the way our great heroes used to be honored.

Now, I am not a fan of plastic surgery. In fact, I wrote a whole movie about how stupid plastic surgery is (coming soon from Lion's Gate...well, hopefully). But I have to say, in this case...bravo. It looks ridiculously good. And if you have no talent and are completely worthless except for your value to late night comedians and Ryan Cabrera, you might as well be a plastic freakishness of hot, that's what I always say. And to those who have been trying to tell me that she looked better with her old nose...fuck you. You're wrong. You just are.

I love the psychology of it all. She looks exactly like Jessica now. Only without the vocal range and career. She's the "Single White Female" of the new millenium, only her obsession is her sister. You know for a fact, that she is currently trying to fuck Nick. You know it! There will be a story soon about how Ashlee was spotted with Nick somewhere, there is no doubt in my mind that is going to happen. And when "Dukes of Hazzard II" is being bandied about and Jessica says she won't do it, you know Ashlee will walk onto "The View" in a pair of Daisy Duke shorts. This is awesome. And I guarantee she's walking up and down supermarket aisles right now, with her new assistant Cacee Cobb, searching for her own "chicken of the sea".

That nose is so loveable, it's like a different being. I despise every part of Ashlee Simpson, except for that nose. Oh Ashlee, I hate your horribly singing annoying guts, but I love that beautiful nose. Do they make a bag you can put over someone's head with a nose cut out? I will make out with that nose. Just as long as I don't have to touch the rest of her. Nope, just the nose.

I'm obsessed with it. I'd hold up a Kleenex for it if it got stuffy. I'd squeeze out some Afrin to help clear it. I'll wipe it's little nostrils when it gets crusty. That nose has got more talent on it's bridge than Ashlee has in her whole body! Marry me, nose! Leave Ashlee behind and come live with me. Well, don't live with me, I like my personal space, but live nearby and come over a lot and let's sit by the fire and watch "Dirty Dancing" and laugh at Jennifer Grey's old beak. Oh, the times we will have! Ashlee will never love you the way I do. She's just using you to get back at Jessica, but I love you because you're everything Ashlee is not. You're beautiful and talented and smart and funny, well maybe not smart and funny, but you're beautiful and that's all that matters in the whole wide world!

All right, I'm done.