INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
I sit across from a girl. She is smiling - the result of my witty repartee and handsome looks, and also because she's dining with the man who came up with "Desperate Gardeners" and the "Crazy Nigga" song. Our food arrives. For me, a steak and french fries. For her, some sort of fish/pasta concoction that I try not to let gross me out.
GIRL
Do you want to try some of mine?
ME
No thanks.
GIRL
Do you not like fish?
ME
Not really.
GIRL
Even sushi.
I shake my head.
ME
Even sushi.
GIRL
That's so weird.
I smile weakly, thinking that she doesn't know the half of it, and praying that she doesn't press the issue and find out. She does.
GIRL
What's your favorite kind of food?
ME
(quickly)
Peaches...and strawberries.
GIRL
(sensing weirdness)
Oh...but like, what do you love to have for dinner, what kind of restaurants?
I stop eating. There's no sense in trying to avoid it any longer.
ME
I'm not really into food.
GIRL
What? What does that mean?
ME
You know how people get all excited to eat? Well I don't. I eat as a result of being hungry, but I don't plan my day around it or really think about it all. Ever. And that's it.
GIRL
I'm sort of a picky eater too.
She has no idea who she's up against.
GIRL
So what don't you eat?
ME
It's kind of a long list, do you really want me to go through it?
GIRL
Yeah.
ME
All right...I've never had soup, I've never had coffee, I've never had tea, so I guess you could say I don't like any warm liquids of any sort. I don't eat asian food, I don't eat indian food, I don't like milk, I don't like seafood, I like spaghetti but I don't like sauce. I take the cheese off of pizza cause I don't really like cheese, although I do like grilled cheese and cheese on tacos. I like steak but I don't like steak in tacos, and I don't like Mexican food except for tacos with cheese, lettuce, and rice. I don't like when foods are mixed together. Consistency is some sort of issue for me, and no I don't know what happened when I was young to make me this screwed up.
She is intrigued, but not in a good way. More like in the way Ryan Seacrest is intrigued by female body parts. She's horrified and wants to run away, but feels compelled to ask questions.
GIRL
So what do you actually like?
ME
Fruit. Vegetables. Steak. Chicken. Wishbone Italian salad dressing. Oh, and Wheat Thins.
GIRL
Have you tried other things?
ME
No. But I smelled them. That was enough.
GIRL
But don't you think you should give them a chance?
ME
Why? I like fruits and vegetables and Wheat Thins, if I could eat 10 peaches a day I would be totally and completely happy.
GIRL
Wow...you must a great writer.
ME
Why?
GIRL
Cause you're fucked up.
ME
I know. But I really don't like to make a big deal about it, I wish I ate more stuff but I just don't and I'm cool with it and don't want anyone to be affected by it.
(beat, trying to redeem myself)
But I promise I'm normal in ever single other way.
GIRL
Okay.
We eat in silence for a minute.
GIRL
So do you have any pets?
ME
(to waiter)
Check please!
8 comments:
Very very funny...but oh so true!!
Ha ha! I'm a picky eater (not as picky as YOU!) and I married a CHEF. Poor man, every day I frustrate him in a new way. (Him - "But I thought you liked fish" Me - "Usually I do, but today the smell is making me gag, so, No") or his favorite, that I like onion straws, but not onion rings (he doesn't really see much difference, but there is a HUGE difference!).
You're not crazy, just charmingly eccentric (but really, you should try soup!).
Oh, I also don't like indoor pets, so I told my husband before we married that I was VERY allergic (I'm only slightly allergic) so when we go visit his sister, I pet the cat when he's not looking and rub my face which makes my eyes water and swell, and say "see what animals do to me" .
Hmmm, maybe you and I would have been a better match!
Funny! But maybe you should just take your next date out on a picnic, with lots of fresh fruit (and maybe vegetables), since you actually like (or don't dislike) those things. Especially during summer, when it's so hot out, I'm sure anyone would go for some fruit.
Absolutely hilarious. No one knows this is an improvement over your childhood likes and dislikes. There is a non soup eater, non pet lover out there for you. Hang in there!
You don't need a non-soup, non-pet person. Just someone who isn't hung up that you are.
It'll happen.
do you have any feelings about hairless peaches? delicious...unnatural...or both?
I never understand why people thing that sushi is any better than fish. I usually respond with "Nothing from the sea." I don't give a crap what variation it is, if it comes from water I'm not eating it!
i totally remember this conversation!
three observations..
1) when you told me what a picky eater you were, i did think, this guy is a freak, but at the same time I was oddly intrigued....
2) you know ever girl you have this conversation with, including me, is thinking, I'm going to be the one to change him and make him try new things. WRONG!!!
3) at least i had one of the two things going for me ;)
sincerely,
non pet lover
Post a Comment