I Married Another Girl This Weekend

It seems like there are two types of writers: those who write stories based on their lives and those who completely make shit up. I consider myself to be in the second category, basically because my life is boring. How many people want to watch a movie about a guy who sits around watching 90210 and doesn't eat soup? Not many. And I think that I'm lucky to be in this category because some of the people in the 1st category have only 1 story to tell (Hello, Nia Vardalos). And it can be a little annoying, like when that asshole Antoine Fisher had the nerve to write a screenplay called "Antoine Fisher". If you guys ever see a movie entitled "Irwin Handleman" written by Irwin Handleman, please shoot Irwin Handleman in the head.

So here I am, thinking nothing in my life is movie material, and trying to come up with completely made up ideas, and then I see a movie getting made that is based on my life! Whoops. Maybe my life is something more than not eating soup. The movie is called "Good Luck, Chuck", and stars Dane Cook in the role of Irwin and Jessica Alba in the role of girl I could only get in a movie. It's about a guy who everytime he breaks up with a girl, the next guy she meets, she marries. This is my life!

Let's go through the history of this:

It all started upon my first arrival to LA back in 1999. The Clinton years. After 11 solid months, the new millenium was apparently too much for my girlfriend and I to handle and we parted ways. 3 months later, she and her future husband were in love.

I moved on. My next girlfriend Tania, who was affectionately known to one and all as "Crazy Asian". She wasn't crazy cause she was Asian, she was crazy cause she was an actress. Well, she was an accountant, but she also acted. This was a landmark relationship because it led to the perception that I "only" liked Asian girls, when in fact I just like all girls. So what happened? Well, I do this thing where I go out with a girl and at first I think "Wow, this is great. She's crazy!" And then a couple months later I go "Wow, this is terrible. She's crazy!" 7 months into this is when the "bad crazy" hit me and it ended. 6 months later, she met a white dude in a band and they are currently married and living happily ever after Irwin.

All right, this next one only sorta counts. I dated this girl - a red head (see? all girls!) - for maybe a month or two. A couple months later I was playing volleyball, and a friend of a friend of hers goes: "Did you hear about Maria?" "No." "She got married and moved to China!" Nice. I take special pride in this one, cause not only did I immediately send her to marriage, I also moved her to a communist country.

Next up, a long and rocky relationship. Lots of ups and downs. We breakup. And now? Married with a kid.

So anyway, the movie version of this story is filming right now, and so is the real life version. I got a call from my last girfriend yesterday and she started off the conversation by saying "I have some great news!". If this had been the second time or the third time or even the fourth time I had heard something like this from an ex-girlfriend, maybe I would've guessed "You won the lottery?" or "You climbed Everest?", but with the wisdom that comes with old age, I simply responded "You got engaged". And of course I was right. She met this guy soon after we broke up, and were living together 6 months after that. I have struck again. I have married yet another girl. You're welcome.

So what's up with this? I don't know. Maybe it's all just a big coincidence, or maybe the experience of going out with me reaffirms their belief in guys and prepares them for the possibility of a lifelong, committed relationship, or maybe I so badly scar these girls with my hatred of food and animals and love of R. Kelly and Jason Priestley that they leap into the arms of the very next thing that comes along just to shelter themselves from the horror that was Irwin.

Yeah, I think it's the second one too.