The Bachelor, Episode III

Here we go. The episode begins with a bullshit opera lesson, where whoever wins gets a date. This is the kind of thing “The Bachelor” doesn’t need. Just let the girls go on awkward dates and fight with each other and and go in hot tubs and leave it at that. Thankfully, this ends quickly. Jami, the blonde girl who is the blonde slutty girls partner in crime, wins.

She gets dressed up for their date. She looks good…for her. She has to get a rose at this date for her to stay, if he doesn’t give her one, she’s gone. I predict big trouble for her. She just isn’t marriage material for this dude. She is very much “the buddy” and will not be considered more than that. She appears way too much of a down home, normal type of chick for this whole thing. She’s also kinda big. Well, not big, but too big for him.

The Prince makes her sing opera on their date. You know how it’s always uncomfortable when someone sings to another person on a date? Well, it was that times a thousand. But it wasn’t her fault! It was the producers attempt to entertain us and embarrass her. They go 50 percent.

Oh my God! George Michael is on the show! Wait. It’s not George Michael. It’s an Italian opera singer who looks a lot like George Michael. Damn, I thought I was gonna get some “Faith” or “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” or at least a reach around. Nope, just more opera.

Boom. The Prince proves me correct, he says, and I quote, “I don’t know if the physical chemistry is there”. Told you.

Oh! And then he says, it was “like dancing with my best friend”. Ghetto translation: “You big”.

Jami unexpectedly cries. I thought she was cooler than that. Also, you think she would’ve felt that he wasn’t down with her. We’ve learned a valuable lesson: no matter how cool any girl on this show may seem, she still signed up to be on “The Bachelor” and by law is insane.

The Prince takes the rest of the girls on a date to Tuscany. The Prince’s hair is relaxed, and for the first time I realize that he kinda looks like my old roommate Steve. Steve’s been out on a date with 8 girls before too, yeah it was his sister, his niece, his other niece, his other sister, his mom…Just kidding, Steve.

Jeannette, who we literally have not seen yet on the show, gets some alone time with the Prince. She kisses his ass and he loves it. I don’t know if she’s really a contender though, she’s very plain. Normal, less crazy than the others, but plain.

Erica and the Italian girl learn they will be going out with the Prince and one of them will get a rose and one won’t. The Italian girl burns Erica by telling us that Erica is crazy but “not very, very beautiful”. Ha! I guess you don’t have to speak English to see that.

The Prince gets some alone time with the Irwin favorite, Sadie. She’s the cutest of the bunch, and also, the virgin. She spills the beans about her purity, and he reacts in the appropriate way. I don’t know if he’s being serious, because if a girl tells me she’s a virgin or has kids I do the same thing – act like it’s the greatest thing I've ever heard.

The Prince asks Lisa if it would be okay if they kiss. Wow, that’s hot and heavy stuff right there. Next he’s gonna "mother may I" her boob.

The girls and him play truth or dare. The Prince is asked which girls he has kissed, and he plays coy and says he’s kissed all of them – on the check. Lisa interviews that the Prince was trying to protect her from the jealous girls because he didn’t say that she was the one he’s kissed. Hey dumbass, you’re not the only one, get over yourself.

Erica says that the Italian girl is “the least attractive girl in the house”. She says this while wearing three layers of makeup and a tiara.

Erica explains some crazy math where she is somewhere between 7 to 100 notches above the rest of the girls. I’m not sure why. Maybe pig tails count for 50 notches each.

The Prince chooses the Italian girl over crazy Erica. Thank the Lord. Although now the show will be between 7 to 100 notches less entertaining. The Prince practically pushes her ass out the door as she begs for a reprieve. He essentially calls her bipolar. I don’t think bipolar explains the stupid though.

Erica complains that “every guy has judged me because I’m pretty and smart and come from a privileged background”. That’s bullshit. I didn’t judge her for those things, I judged her for her bad personality and her unattractive face and body.

The Prince and the Italian girl make out. I wish that girl would go back and tell Lisa, too bad she can’t speak English.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

He picks…Sadie, the virgin. He doesn’t want her to think he’s anti-virgin...yet.

Lisa, the front runner. Yeah Lisa, you’re still the only one he’s kissed! And he’s saving himself for you!

Jen. Didn’t see much of her this episode, but she is most definitely the dark horse.

Desiree, the slutty blonde. I told you, slutty blondes go far in this cruel world.

He doesn’t pick a brunette I haven’t seen before. Who are these girls? It’s so weird. They have done such a bad job this season of differentiating the girls. And this one is legitimately cute. Oh, it’s Gina. I would’ve liked to have seen more of her. She cries. Honey, you never even talked to him! At least that we saw anyway.

I hope Lisa isn’t watching, because on the preview the Prince is seen making out with EVERYONE. Even Sadie, the virgin! And from the looks of things, she doesn’t kiss like a virgin. Also, they bring Erica back for some reason. Oh, I know the reason. Ratings.