THE BACHELOR, EPISODE V: HOMETOWN VISITS

Before we get started, let me reiterate that I believe it’s a two horse race: Sadie the virgin vs. Jen, the girl we have never seen – with “Love Plan” Lisa the wild card. She’s the Moanna of the season, which basically means she’s the “I’m not here to make friends” girl.

The first hometown visit is with Sadie. She’s from San Diego, land of no sex. It will be interesting to see how religious her family is. San Diego is in the south, but it’s not exactly the “south”. Not that if you’re religious you have to be from the south, but if you’re virgin religious you probably are.

It’s so weird, Sadie seems like a different person all of the sudden. She’s relaxed, but very, very bubbly. It’s like she’s entered her house and turned back into a 12 year old girl - which coincidentally is the same age her vagina is stuck at.

Uh, oh, here we go. At dinner, the family holds hands and says grace. And then Sadie says that her family wants her to be with someone who “loves God”. I would never say I loved God and if I met someone who said that they loved God I’d be suspicious. But I do love life, does that count?

Next up is “Love Plan” Lisa. She’s from Portland, Oregon. She seems like she’s from Oregon, except for the part where she might be pure evil.

Lisa’s best friend comes over…and she brings a wedding dress. It seems like the most staged thing in the world, which it is. Lame.

But the better thing is, the best friend talks to the Prince about Lisa’s “love plan”. The Prince pretends it’s awesome, which means he’s totally freaking out. Immediately, the Prince tells us that he’s freaking out. It would be so cool if the Bachelor just changed everything for a moment, and the Prince did what he would actually do in a “real” situation where he heard about a love plan - run from the house screaming.

Lisa says the most stupid girl thing you could ever possibly say, “I think Lorenzo seeing me in the wedding dress made him think ‘maybe I could marry this girl”. No guy in the history of the world has ever thought that, unless you count when Jack saw Jen in a wedding dress on “Days of Our Lives”.

Lisa is still bragging about getting the earrings at the first rose ceremony. Fuck you! Yes, he chose you, but they’re not his earrings to give! It wasn’t his idea!

Lisa’s mom makes the Prince do Pilates. Okay, why are the producers forcing so many staged moments on this date? I know Oregon is inherently boring, but come on. Suddenly, and for no reason, this is turning into some horrific MTV show, like “Date My Mom” or “Next” or something, where everything is cheesily scripted. This is everything I hate about reality shows, and there’s no need for it. Uneventful reality is always a million times better to me than staged “reality”. Why don’t the producers of reality TV understand this? I’m pissed.

Lisa forces a make out session. The Prince is clearly not into it. At all. I think he's still thinking about Sadie. He tells us that he’s worried that she has an agenda. Ya think? Hey Sipowitz, maybe you should’ve figured she had an agenda when she volunteered herself for a reality show to find a husband.

Jen is next. She lives in Miami. Jen is very sweet. Sweet in a way that makes her seem like she’s destined for a life as a Stepford Wife. She really seems like a robot. A Bachelor robot. This is what really interests me about the show. Is there any doubt that no matter who the Bachelor was, Jen would’ve fallen in love with him? Is there any guy that could’ve been picked that she wouldn’t go for? It's a mystery. Kinda like that whole tree falling in the woods thing, except for with marriage hungry fame whores.

Jen’s dad tries to be intimidating. He starts pulling out shotguns. Okay, that’s kind of scary. Even scarier: his shirt. We get it, you’re from Miami. Put it away, Crockett.

And finally, the Italian Girl. She’s from Venice. For some reason I find that cool. People are really from Venice?

They have their first real conversation. When a girl can’t speak English very well, it’s very difficult to figure out which one of you is the idiot.

They go on a gondola ride and awkwardly kiss. The Prince is really attracted to this chick, a lot more than the other girls. Could a new dark horse be emerging?

The Prince meets the non-speaking English folks. He says that “family is really important to him”. People always say that. I wish someone would say “you know what, I’m kinda “eh” on family. It’s a little overrated. Maybe we should all try living alone.”

The editors try to make it look like it’s all awkward cause the Prince can’t speak Italian. I don’t know if this is a realistic representation of what actually happened. Also, the dad seems to be able to say a few things. If it’s true that women end up looking like their mom, Agnese is in deep, deep shit. For a while there, I thought they were having dinner with her dad and her Uncle.

They dance. And not only does the Prince look like my old roommate Steve, he dances like him too. Which means he can’t.

They kiss to end the date. I think the Prince is LOVING this girl. When did this happen? Does he only like girls that he doesn’t have to talk to? This is bizarre. I mean, she’s pretty and all. Maybe the prettiest of the bunch. But she’s not “I don’t even need to talk to you” hot.

It’s really not looking good for Lisa right now.

ROSE CEREMONY

They show Lisa standing at the rose ceremony. She kind of looks like a prettier Rachel Dratch. But that’s like saying a guy looks like Horatio Sanz but cuter. No, that’s mean. She’s cute, but a tiny bit Dratchian.

Sadie gets picked first, Jen gets picked second. The editors are smart, they know that this rose ceremony comes down to the Italian versus Dratch. And the winner is…

Lisa!!! Wow. They really had us going there with the Italian girl. I warned all of you this was going to happen last week. This is the same shit they pulled with Moanna last season. It’s the old, “look at the frontrunner crash and burn” trick, but then he picks her anyway. Nice work making the Italian girl look like a possibility, producers.

And we’re at the point of the show now where after he gets rid of someone, he has to sit down with them and explain exactly why they suck. He tells the Italian that she’s gone because of the language barrier. She cries and hugs him, which actually means fuck off in Italian. And dammit, she is darn cute. I really hope she doesn’t end up looking like her Uncle.

A great teaser line: “Sadie’s virginity gets put to the ultimate test!” Ha! Yeah, like her very first time is going to be televised for a national TV audience. But that would be awesome!!!