The Bachelor Finale Recap

It’s finally here…

First off, this show is 2 hours long. As we know, I’m as big a fan as anyone, but that extra hour seems a bit unnecessary. I’d rather get a 2 hour episode when all the crazy bitches are still in the game. Now that it’s just these two, it’s overkill.

They start the episode off with a long recap (don’t they know about this blog?! I’ve got it covered), and then a “closer look at Jen and Sadie”.

As I’ve said many times before, Sadie’s my favorite. But the more I hear “I am a classy, conservative woman” the more I get the shakes. You know those kind of shakes – like when Nelly Furtado rhymes something with “Steve Nash”, or when K-Fed rhymes something.

Lorenzo explains that his parents are in town and they’re going to help him make his decision. So I guess he’s doing the standard thing where he pretends like he doesn’t know who he’s going to pick. It’s always a good sign of a future marriage when you’re 50-50 on who you’re about to propose to.

There’s been some complaints about Lorenzo’s level of attractiveness. But checking out his parents, I’d say he lucked the fuck out – not a lot to work with in the King and Queen’s gene pool.

Jen comes over to meet the parents. She suddenly has a weird accent. It’s like half-Chicago, half-valley girl. When did that happen? Oh, I guess it could’ve been there the whole time since we’ve rarely heard her speak.

Lorenzo’s mom says how pretty she thinks Jen is. I wish Erica was there to whisper in the mom’s ear about how it’s the makeup. She also says that Jen “radiates goodness”. That’s the one thing I’ll say for evil: it does take brains.

They eat at a table that looks exactly like the last supper – all on one side of the table. It’s either funny and weird, or I just watched “The Da Vinci Code”.

Jen says the difference between her and Sadie is that she’s more “here’s the real deal”, and tougher, while Sadie is more nurturing. Come on, Jen. Isn’t there one more thing that’s different about you? I don’t know, something that she has that you don’t. What’s that called? Oh yeah, a hymen.

One thing that you must know about this episode that’s great is the teases. Every single one has included that awesome shot of the tear streaming down Lorenzo’s face. It’s exactly like the episode where every tease was “will the virgin enter the fantasy suite?”, except it’s a grown man crying like a baby on a reality show.

Sadie meets the parents. She’s a real spark plug, that one. She goes into full chatty Cathy mode, which I guess is good. Parents tend to like that, whereas I go out with girls who stare expressionless at my family. That does not go over as well.

Sadie says the difference between her and Jen is that she is more spunky and spontaneous, while Jen does not have a hymen, I mean, is more reserved.

Sadie tells the mom that she’s saving herself for marriage. The mom says that’s a good thing, but I think she means in a “good for you, no way in hell for me” kinda way. She looks like she’s been to more than her share of key parties.

Jen’s parents are in town and they surprise her. She calls it “the best surprise she’s ever gotten in her life”. I’ll just let you think about that for a moment. She tells them that “she’s down to the final 2”. What is this, Survivor? You're not winning a million dollars here, sweetheart, you're "winning" an average looking semi-prince. Also - she’s not allowed to tell her parents that she’s about to get engaged? That seems rather harsh.

We learn that the Prince’s mom (the Bachelor producers) has organized a brunch with both girls and their parents. She thinks this will help the Prince with his decision, or more importantly, make some good television.

It’s funny to see the contrast between Sadie’s parents and Jen’s parents. If Sadie wasn’t around, I would swear that her parents were virgins.

By the way, I never really notice this kind of stuff or care about it, but to meet the Prince and his parents Jen’s dad wears a purple short sleeve collared shirt untucked, jeans, and no socks. Oh, and also, he makes an ass out of himself (but I would like to add that he seemed like a normal dude and was overall, pretty cool).

If we did the mom test - looking at your significant others mom to see how she’s gonna end up looking - I would have to marry Lorenzo.

Lorenzo asks Jen’s dad for permission to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. And what is Jen’s dad wearing? Different purple polo!

Jen and her mom hang out, and Jen says that for the first time, she can see herself settling down with Lorenzo because he’s “the real deal”. Hey, wait a minute! I thought she was the real deal? Can there be two real deals? I guess they are perfect for each other.

Most used phrase of the night other than “real deal”? “There’s another girl involved”.

Lorenzo asks Sadie’s dad for permission. Sadie’s dad is either the coolest, mellowest dude ever, or a prime candidate to end up on a future Dateline’s: To Catch a Predator.

Lorenzo and Sadie spend their last day and night together. They go sailing and then have dinner. They seem to get along well. Lorenzo says “it’s strange thinking tonight’s my last date with Sadie before the end. I can’t believe it’s come so quickly”. You know who else tends to come quickly? Virgins. Well, guy virgins at least.

Sadie made a little booklet for Lorenzo, which includes the first rose he gave her and a letter of “what she deserves in a guy”. The letter is multiple pages long. Dan Brown could have done it in less pages (Da Vinci code!). Wow, she really thinks highly of herself. Sadie says she “wants a lot because I have a lot to give”. Technically speaking, she really does not know this for a fact.

Lorenzo and Jen have their final date. It’s important to note here that Jen is a bit of a two face. Sometimes, she is damn cute. Other times…well let’s just say that maybe Erica was onto something for once.

Lorenzo says that he took Jen to “this private house I rented”. You rented it? I know it’s confusing with all the cameras around, but we do know you’re on a TV show.

Jen wears her good face to dinner and confesses that she’s scared and hopes that she’s the one. Lorenzo can’t say anything so he does his go to move of awkwardly kissing her.

As Lorenzo leaves, he claims to be “even more confused”. How would you feel if you were the girl he picked right now while you watch this? Oh great, it was basically a coin flip between me and the other girl, sweet. Glad that thing came up heads. Or if it’s Sadie, no tails (sorry, I’m reaching now on the virgin jokes).

Lorenzo picks up the ring that his mom designed. Being that I’m a dude, I have no idea if it’s ugly or not. It’s big though, and I’m pretty sure girls like that.

He contemplates on who to choose. If you were about to ask a girl to marry you, and you were hesitating because some other girl, you are not ready to get married.

The first limo pulls up and it’s…Sadie! Glad I didn’t put any money on it. I should’ve followed my old mentor Jimmy the Greek’s advice, who always said “Never wager on a virgin, kid, you don’t know what you’re getting.” Rest in peace, Jimmy.

She’s wearing a very booby dress. Poor things, they don't know they're about to get rejected. Lorenzo tells her that she wanted someone “who can’t fathom to be with another woman, the truth is that there is another woman here that I’d rather be with”. Ouch! There has to be a better way to put it, right?

Sadie is cool and says she’s trying to be “mature and gracious”, and she just wants him to be happy. I like Sadie. And she’s single! And living in LA! And a virgin! There’s always a catch.

And as Sadie drives off, we get Lorenzo’s big crying moment – complete with lip quiver and tear. It. Is. Awesome.

Well, I guess it’s Jen. I don’t see it, but I guess that’s why I’m not a fake prince.

I’d like to revert back to a theory I mentioned in a previous recap – where I said that Jen was the cute girl, who goes along with whatever you say and seems really great while you’re in a foreign country filming a show. But when you take her back home and ask her where she wants to go for dinner, and she says “I don’t know, wherever you wanna go is fine” for the hundredth time, you’re like, have an opinion, lady!

Sadie’s got spunk and personality and is a strong willed person, and that might not seem as cool as the girl who will do whatever you say and will actually have sex with you, but it might be more important in a wife. But I guess the virgin thing is tough to overcome.

The prince tells Jen the good news. She giggles and freaks out. Lorenzo shows her the ring and she goes nuts, but then pulls a “psych!” and says he’s not asking her to marry him. But for some reason he puts the ring on her finger anyway.

So there you go. Another season of the Bachelor. And once again, it didn’t go the way I thought but God Damn if it wasn’t enjoyable. It was also educational – I had no idea how much I enjoyed telling virgin jokes, but clearly I do.

At the end of the show, they reveal who the next Bachelor is. He’s a Navy doctor and a triathlete and appears to be very good looking. But who cares about that, hopefully the women will be hot and there will be multiple virgins. I’d like to note that it’s kind of a bummer that they’re not doing an episode with Lorenzo and Jen together to see how things are going. Hopefully, they haven’t broken up already.

We now return to our irregularly scheduled blogging.