We were all liking him, and then he made the tragic Bachelor mistake of going to the do-rag. Bro, I don't care how much bike riding you do, take that fucking thing off your head. You're white, you'll always be white, and that means that the do-rag will never, ever look good on you. You'll always look like a douchebag in that thing, and I know, as a white man myself, we hate it, but we have to abide by the white man rules - no do-rags, no corn rows, no - actually, I'm realizing that it's pretty much anything K-Fed does - don't do!
One more Bachelor thought:
Women are horrible people! I mean, seriously, y'all are pure evil. Clearly Moanna is a touch crazy, but the only real complaint I've heard about her is that she's "stealing" all the time with Dr. Do-Rag. That's the show, bitches. Women don't have that guy thing of respect for someone doing it better than you (except when it comes to Angelina Jolie for some reason). They just HATE on other chicks for getting over on them. You want proof? I'll give you proof:
On tonight's show, those rejected chicks came back to pick who got one on one dates. Who did they pick? The most non-threatening girls in the house. They're not even in competition anymore, but they're still HATING! If they're not getting him, then those girls who are better looking than them aren't getting him either! Fuck you, have some respect for those doing it better. In the words of some anonymous black person "you just hate me cause you ain't me". Amen.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Truth vs. Fiction: The science of sweet ass sex
I was given "A Million Little Pieces" to read about a year and a half ago, before all the Oprah hype. I had never heard about it, and neither had much of America, but a friend of mine had read it and loved it and gave it to me. I hated it. In fact, I didn't finish it, I read about half or less and stopped. This is what I recall the book being like:
"Everything hurts.
I can barely see out of my right eye.
Maybe I shouldn't have smoked all that crack.
And maybe I shouldn't have picked a fight with that 6 foot 5 black guy who teaches martial arts.
Drugs suck.
Where can I get more?"
Yeah, that's not up my alley, people. Stop doing drugs, douchebag! I have no patience for blabby losers, especially repetitive losers who glory in their loserness. And I don't understand nor care about drug use. Hey, I'm all for people doing drugs, just don't come whining to me about how bad speedballs are after you do them. I don't want to hear it, I listened to Nancy Reagan for a reason, motherfucker.
So it turns out that this guy is pretty much full of shit, which makes me happy for some reason - probably because i hated the book and was tired of people saying it was good, but actually because he made Oprah look like an overweight black woman with bad judgement (or at least the bad judgement part). But really, who cares? Is the book all of the sudden bad now? So you enjoyed the book while reading it and now you didn't enjoy it? I saw Munich the other day, and it's a "true story". If you told me it was all made up (which probably a lot of it was) I'd still think it was a good movie.
But it's true that sometimes shit is taken to another level because it's real. Like if you're watching something and it's totally implausible, if it's fiction you'd think it sucks. But if it's a true story, you give it a break. So it does add an element. For example, I probably would've liked "Brokeback" a lot more if it was based on a true story, because here's what my interior monologue would've been while watching it:
me: "Mmm, that's weird. They've barely spoken and now they're having sweet ass sex. That doesn't seem right, but it's a true story so I guess that's how sweet ass sex goes..."
However, there's another part to this which is: later on in the book (the part I didn't read), this dude claims to have gotten out of his addiction by simple will power. And I guess drug people took this to heart and were inspired by it and thought they could do the same thing. So I guess that's kinda fucked up, cause supposedly it doesn't work that way. To those people I offer up this advice:
1. Stop reading books just cause Oprah says so
2. Stop watching so much Oprah
3. Divorce Bobby Brown
"Everything hurts.
I can barely see out of my right eye.
Maybe I shouldn't have smoked all that crack.
And maybe I shouldn't have picked a fight with that 6 foot 5 black guy who teaches martial arts.
Drugs suck.
Where can I get more?"
Yeah, that's not up my alley, people. Stop doing drugs, douchebag! I have no patience for blabby losers, especially repetitive losers who glory in their loserness. And I don't understand nor care about drug use. Hey, I'm all for people doing drugs, just don't come whining to me about how bad speedballs are after you do them. I don't want to hear it, I listened to Nancy Reagan for a reason, motherfucker.
So it turns out that this guy is pretty much full of shit, which makes me happy for some reason - probably because i hated the book and was tired of people saying it was good, but actually because he made Oprah look like an overweight black woman with bad judgement (or at least the bad judgement part). But really, who cares? Is the book all of the sudden bad now? So you enjoyed the book while reading it and now you didn't enjoy it? I saw Munich the other day, and it's a "true story". If you told me it was all made up (which probably a lot of it was) I'd still think it was a good movie.
But it's true that sometimes shit is taken to another level because it's real. Like if you're watching something and it's totally implausible, if it's fiction you'd think it sucks. But if it's a true story, you give it a break. So it does add an element. For example, I probably would've liked "Brokeback" a lot more if it was based on a true story, because here's what my interior monologue would've been while watching it:
me: "Mmm, that's weird. They've barely spoken and now they're having sweet ass sex. That doesn't seem right, but it's a true story so I guess that's how sweet ass sex goes..."
However, there's another part to this which is: later on in the book (the part I didn't read), this dude claims to have gotten out of his addiction by simple will power. And I guess drug people took this to heart and were inspired by it and thought they could do the same thing. So I guess that's kinda fucked up, cause supposedly it doesn't work that way. To those people I offer up this advice:
1. Stop reading books just cause Oprah says so
2. Stop watching so much Oprah
3. Divorce Bobby Brown
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Suck on that, Gaurini!
Pamie and I were talking the other night about how "In the Mix" somehow managed to escape the "worst films of the year" lists. It was funny that she brought it up because I was up at 3 in the morning one night and a replay of Ebert and Roepert was on, and they were doing their worst lists for the year, and even though I was exhausted I had to stay up to see if In the Mix was on there. To my great relief (and surprise), In the Mix did not make it. Yeah! And then Entertainment Weekly came out and it wasn't on their list either. That's huge!
Anyway, so we were talking about this and her kind friend Sara pipes in and mentions that the sigh of relief we are breathing is a little premature. She says that she saw it on IMDB on a worst movies of the year list.
Thanks, Sara.
But listen, I got news for you, sweetie, I looked it up and in fact, In the Mix isn't on IMDB's worst movies of the year list, thank you very much. If you had done your proper research, you would've seen that In the Mix is on their worst movies OF ALL TIME list. Get your facts straight, lady. Don't go popping off at some bar when you don't know what you're talking about. Worst movie of 2005? I don't think so. Worst movie ever made, bitch! 2005 is small potatoes, we go big or we go home. Who wants to be the worst of a year when you can be the worst of a century (or two).
For the record, this is a list as voted by IMDB users. They give every movie a rating, 1 to 10, and they show what movies have the best cumulative score and which have the worst. Now unfortunately, we are not in the top spot. We're at number three, but I'm thinking when that DVD comes out, we're flying right past "From Justin to Kelly" up to number 2! I'm telling you, guys, Gaurini is vulnerable. We can take him down. That guy cut his curls, and the curls were the source of all of his power!
Now, I'm an eternal optimist, but even I can't see how we could possibly get to number one. The film that has a tight grip on the top spot is something called "Anus McGilicutty". Come on, you can never be worse than something with "Anus" in it. But it does makes me regret Lion's Gate's decision to change my original title: "In the Anus". That would get number one for sure.
Anyway, so we were talking about this and her kind friend Sara pipes in and mentions that the sigh of relief we are breathing is a little premature. She says that she saw it on IMDB on a worst movies of the year list.
Thanks, Sara.
But listen, I got news for you, sweetie, I looked it up and in fact, In the Mix isn't on IMDB's worst movies of the year list, thank you very much. If you had done your proper research, you would've seen that In the Mix is on their worst movies OF ALL TIME list. Get your facts straight, lady. Don't go popping off at some bar when you don't know what you're talking about. Worst movie of 2005? I don't think so. Worst movie ever made, bitch! 2005 is small potatoes, we go big or we go home. Who wants to be the worst of a year when you can be the worst of a century (or two).
For the record, this is a list as voted by IMDB users. They give every movie a rating, 1 to 10, and they show what movies have the best cumulative score and which have the worst. Now unfortunately, we are not in the top spot. We're at number three, but I'm thinking when that DVD comes out, we're flying right past "From Justin to Kelly" up to number 2! I'm telling you, guys, Gaurini is vulnerable. We can take him down. That guy cut his curls, and the curls were the source of all of his power!
Now, I'm an eternal optimist, but even I can't see how we could possibly get to number one. The film that has a tight grip on the top spot is something called "Anus McGilicutty". Come on, you can never be worse than something with "Anus" in it. But it does makes me regret Lion's Gate's decision to change my original title: "In the Anus". That would get number one for sure.
Monday, January 23, 2006
Stuff Heather Graham's Doing Today:
9:00am Visit ABC executives to change their minds about cancelling the show
9:15am Finish blowing them
9:20am Get in my car
9:21am It's a hummer
10:00am Get Starbucks coffee
10:05am It's too hot, blow on it
10:30am Get on an elevator
10:31am Go down on it
11:45am Visit agent
11:55am Give him new head shots
11:57am Give him head
12:32pm Get gas
12:33pm Reach around for pump
12:35pm Gently squeeze handle to get out the last drops
1:10pm Lunch, order New York steak, bone-in
1:45pm Eat the meat
2:20pm Go to party store and buy 100 balloons to cheer myself up
2:40pm Blow them
3:30pm Audition for a guest starring role on Jenna Elfman's new show
3:35pm I blow the job
4:05pm Buy a lollipop
4:07pm Save it for later
6:00pm Come home and a chicken is loose in my place
6:20pm I choke it
7:00pm Remember the lollipop? Suck it
9:15am Finish blowing them
9:20am Get in my car
9:21am It's a hummer
10:00am Get Starbucks coffee
10:05am It's too hot, blow on it
10:30am Get on an elevator
10:31am Go down on it
11:45am Visit agent
11:55am Give him new head shots
11:57am Give him head
12:32pm Get gas
12:33pm Reach around for pump
12:35pm Gently squeeze handle to get out the last drops
1:10pm Lunch, order New York steak, bone-in
1:45pm Eat the meat
2:20pm Go to party store and buy 100 balloons to cheer myself up
2:40pm Blow them
3:30pm Audition for a guest starring role on Jenna Elfman's new show
3:35pm I blow the job
4:05pm Buy a lollipop
4:07pm Save it for later
6:00pm Come home and a chicken is loose in my place
6:20pm I choke it
7:00pm Remember the lollipop? Suck it
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Admit it - You thought it was a Werewolf (EDITED because I forgot something)
Okay, this isn't about Lost, but didn't you think that others dude was a werewolf? I swear they made him look extra werewolfy before the commercial and then after he was just a guy with a big beard. bullshit. And yet still great. Now to the point of my story (which may not even have a point)
"The Bachelor" has always been my favorite reality show - at least since they took Temptation Island off the air. Fox bastards. I love it because it cuts to the chase -it's about relationships and people liking or hating each other and that's it. I don't want to watch a fat old racist from Arkansas run through an obstacle course against a model from LA. That's just too many boobs flying around for me to handle. I don't understand how people like shit like Amazing Race and the Apprentice, it's so contrived. Are they really finding people who are good at business? Or are they just finding someone who isn't an insane bitch? The whole operation is so made up it's hard for me to get attached. but the Bachelor, though contrived, in the end, doesn't have made up challenges, it's just people acting insane. And by insane I mean liking Charlie O'Connell.
The show has gotten a lot of shit from the media for not being successful in getting people married. On the contrary, I think it's been extremely successful - given the fact that it takes 25 desperate women/men and introduces them to 1 man/woman, puts them together for 6 weeks in a totally fake environment with cameras on them all day, and then releases them into reality where the 1 man/woman gets famous and can get less desperate women/men and have sex without them without having to get engaged. But let's look at the facts:
The first Bachelor was gay, 0 for 1. The second bachelor was a dick (and the first to capitalize on the fame getting you chicks thing and quickly backed out of the "engagement), 0 for 2. Trista got married, 1 for 3. Firestone hooked up with Jen, and they were together for a good long year after the show and I think that counts, 2 for 4. Bob did the famous thing and then married a much hotter girl from All My Children, kudos, but 2 for 5. The second time they did the bachelorette she was ugly so I didn't watch but I'm pretty sure it didn't work out, 2 for 6. Byron was creepy so I didn't watch, but he's marrying equally creepy Mary from the Bob season, 3 for 7. The aforementioned O'Connell, who even quasi-famous can't get chicks, so I think they're still together, 4 for 8. And then Jen, where she picked no one, 4 for 9. 44%? That's pretty fricking good.
Now I will say that it was a major mistake to do "Bachelorette's". If I want to see 25 guys chasing after a moderately cute girl I'll walk outside my apartment any day of the week. But otherwise, for me at least, it's a consistently enjoyable show. And for those who think it has gone downhill, obviously you didn't watch last season with that incredible 4 hour finale (which I wrote about extensively), where Jerry O'Connell's brother rejected a girl in front of a studio audience, which included her parents, her sister, and her 90 year old Nana. Gold.
I'm enjoying this season so far. The bachelor actually seems like he was minding his own business when the producer's harrassed him and forced him to do the show. This is a good thing. He's not really trying that hard, or "pulling a Chuck O'Connell" as I call it. And to prove it, he didn't even keep the black girl till the second round. That's bold, my friend.
The girls are okay, but it's kind of bad because one of them is a million times hotter than the others. It's very distracting, and very hard to believe when he pretends to be interested in other chicks. I must admit that this is the real reason that I love this show. I'm fascinated by these women. I'm a single man. I'm in the dating world, these girls are in the dating world, so it definitely hits home. And it homes in a really, really depressing way.
ABC's Bachelor site has pictures of the ladies with a little bio of each, where they list their 3 best attributes, describe the perfect date, their ideal man. First of all, 95 percent of the girls list their ideal man as being either tall or dark, but usually both. I had no idea that the ideal man was Patrick Ewing. Herewith, why I'm depressed:
Sarah H's greatest achievement is: "Graduating college after six years"
Keep in mind the Bachelor this year is a doctor...
Tara's ideal mate is: "Six foot two"
Not 6'1", not 6'3". Ewing will be so disappointed, paging Stephon Marbury...
Shiloh's perfect date would be: "Taking a private plane to NYC for dinner, the opera and a walk around the city during the holidays. Then a carriage ride around Central Park to top it off"
Watch the theme emerge, people...
Stephanie's perfect date would be: "A surprise trip to somewhere absolutely romantic, but I would love it if there were some romantic dancing in there somewhere"
Somewhere romantic, romantic dancing, and Ewing could teach her some romantic post moves...
Here is part of what Moanna is looking for:
My perfect date would be: "Sitting in a museum, going to watch a hockey match, laughing on a street bench over coffee, flying a plane, listening to music, but most importantly, laughing"
My ideal mate: "Looks like the '06 version of Gregory Peck with a little bit of the Knoxville gruff and has the wit of Luke Wilson, charisma of Tom Cruise, humility and strength of Robert Redford and the alternative edge of John Cusack"
First of all, hockey "match"? The only thing this girl knows about hockey are what cold, sweaty balls taste like. Next, a Peck fan? Who knew? That's pretty random. Calling Luke Wilson witty is like calling Tom Cruise charismatic. What? Oh.
Susan's perfect date would be: "Flying on a private jet to the Maltese Islands, getting on a yacht and exploring the coastline over a bottle of wine"
Unfortunately, "Susan" is the girl who is way hotter than the others. Is this what it's like to be a hot chick? You can expect dudes to fly you on a private jet to the Maltese islands. What if you were going out with that chick and you did have a private jet, and you took her on it for a surprise trip, and you touched down in the Bahamas, would she be pissed? "Bahamas? You think I'm some ho of the street? Take me to the Maltese islands, motherfucker." Seriously, is this how good y'all have it? And as you saw, she's not the only one. There are frequent mentions of "jets" or "private planes". It's time for us, as a nation, to stop the production of romantic comedies immediately. Bitches are believing this shit. You hear girls say all the time that "there are no good guys out there". Let them complete the sentence, it's actually "There are no good guys with private jets out there". Fuck 'em. I gotta find a girl like Yvonne:
My perfect date would be: Being with someone who did nothing to annoy me.
Low standards have never looked so good.
--Whoa, I totally forgot about the best part of the "Bachelor" - the "crazy eyes" girl. Every season there's a girl with crazy eyes, and every season those crazy eyes do something...crazy. And this year's crazy eyes girl brought us, and ABC, some gold. The network ran promos for her in the ground, and that was wise.
If you don't know her, her name is Allie, but she's known by everyone as Allie G. She's the girl who said that her ovaries were "rotting" and was demanding that the Bachelor reproduce with her. She says she's 33 but like every girl on the Bachelor who isn't 22, you always have to add 4 years. Her reproduction and ovary talk put a perfect distinction between the difference between old girls and young girls. 37 year olds think their ovaries are rotting, 23 year olds think ovaries is how they like their eggs.
But God bless them! These old chicks have given up on their private jet dreams, now they just want a good, working dick, and you have to respect that. I'm probably going to lose 80 percent of my audience with this, but that seems to be the evolution of "Bachelor" women. Here's how they've broken down on the show, self esteem wise:
22 - 28: i am the hottest shit in the world, and my vagina is full of lottery tickets that I ain't given away till i see your jet plane. I actually believe that I am going to find a guy who will surpise with trips to the island of my choice, and if I don't find him, who cares? I have a lottery ticket vagina!
29 - 34: Uh, oh, what are these wrinkles? and my boobs, my boobs look like Kirsten Dunst's! what the? maybe i'm not the hottest shit anymore, maybe i don't need a guy with a private jet, maybe a guy with a southwest card would be ok. and where did all those lottery tickets go? guys used to be scratching down there like crazy!
35 - 39: My ovaries are rotting. He must marry me or I will cry and pass out and they'll have to call an ambulance and it will be on every single promo and it will hypnotize Irwin and he'll have to watch. Marry me, motherfucker! young girls are bad, they're immature, they don't want babies, their asses are impeccable, i mean, oh forget it, just cut me, i'm the crazy eyes girl.
"The Bachelor" has always been my favorite reality show - at least since they took Temptation Island off the air. Fox bastards. I love it because it cuts to the chase -it's about relationships and people liking or hating each other and that's it. I don't want to watch a fat old racist from Arkansas run through an obstacle course against a model from LA. That's just too many boobs flying around for me to handle. I don't understand how people like shit like Amazing Race and the Apprentice, it's so contrived. Are they really finding people who are good at business? Or are they just finding someone who isn't an insane bitch? The whole operation is so made up it's hard for me to get attached. but the Bachelor, though contrived, in the end, doesn't have made up challenges, it's just people acting insane. And by insane I mean liking Charlie O'Connell.
The show has gotten a lot of shit from the media for not being successful in getting people married. On the contrary, I think it's been extremely successful - given the fact that it takes 25 desperate women/men and introduces them to 1 man/woman, puts them together for 6 weeks in a totally fake environment with cameras on them all day, and then releases them into reality where the 1 man/woman gets famous and can get less desperate women/men and have sex without them without having to get engaged. But let's look at the facts:
The first Bachelor was gay, 0 for 1. The second bachelor was a dick (and the first to capitalize on the fame getting you chicks thing and quickly backed out of the "engagement), 0 for 2. Trista got married, 1 for 3. Firestone hooked up with Jen, and they were together for a good long year after the show and I think that counts, 2 for 4. Bob did the famous thing and then married a much hotter girl from All My Children, kudos, but 2 for 5. The second time they did the bachelorette she was ugly so I didn't watch but I'm pretty sure it didn't work out, 2 for 6. Byron was creepy so I didn't watch, but he's marrying equally creepy Mary from the Bob season, 3 for 7. The aforementioned O'Connell, who even quasi-famous can't get chicks, so I think they're still together, 4 for 8. And then Jen, where she picked no one, 4 for 9. 44%? That's pretty fricking good.
Now I will say that it was a major mistake to do "Bachelorette's". If I want to see 25 guys chasing after a moderately cute girl I'll walk outside my apartment any day of the week. But otherwise, for me at least, it's a consistently enjoyable show. And for those who think it has gone downhill, obviously you didn't watch last season with that incredible 4 hour finale (which I wrote about extensively), where Jerry O'Connell's brother rejected a girl in front of a studio audience, which included her parents, her sister, and her 90 year old Nana. Gold.
I'm enjoying this season so far. The bachelor actually seems like he was minding his own business when the producer's harrassed him and forced him to do the show. This is a good thing. He's not really trying that hard, or "pulling a Chuck O'Connell" as I call it. And to prove it, he didn't even keep the black girl till the second round. That's bold, my friend.
The girls are okay, but it's kind of bad because one of them is a million times hotter than the others. It's very distracting, and very hard to believe when he pretends to be interested in other chicks. I must admit that this is the real reason that I love this show. I'm fascinated by these women. I'm a single man. I'm in the dating world, these girls are in the dating world, so it definitely hits home. And it homes in a really, really depressing way.
ABC's Bachelor site has pictures of the ladies with a little bio of each, where they list their 3 best attributes, describe the perfect date, their ideal man. First of all, 95 percent of the girls list their ideal man as being either tall or dark, but usually both. I had no idea that the ideal man was Patrick Ewing. Herewith, why I'm depressed:
Sarah H's greatest achievement is: "Graduating college after six years"
Keep in mind the Bachelor this year is a doctor...
Tara's ideal mate is: "Six foot two"
Not 6'1", not 6'3". Ewing will be so disappointed, paging Stephon Marbury...
Shiloh's perfect date would be: "Taking a private plane to NYC for dinner, the opera and a walk around the city during the holidays. Then a carriage ride around Central Park to top it off"
Watch the theme emerge, people...
Stephanie's perfect date would be: "A surprise trip to somewhere absolutely romantic, but I would love it if there were some romantic dancing in there somewhere"
Somewhere romantic, romantic dancing, and Ewing could teach her some romantic post moves...
Here is part of what Moanna is looking for:
My perfect date would be: "Sitting in a museum, going to watch a hockey match, laughing on a street bench over coffee, flying a plane, listening to music, but most importantly, laughing"
My ideal mate: "Looks like the '06 version of Gregory Peck with a little bit of the Knoxville gruff and has the wit of Luke Wilson, charisma of Tom Cruise, humility and strength of Robert Redford and the alternative edge of John Cusack"
First of all, hockey "match"? The only thing this girl knows about hockey are what cold, sweaty balls taste like. Next, a Peck fan? Who knew? That's pretty random. Calling Luke Wilson witty is like calling Tom Cruise charismatic. What? Oh.
Susan's perfect date would be: "Flying on a private jet to the Maltese Islands, getting on a yacht and exploring the coastline over a bottle of wine"
Unfortunately, "Susan" is the girl who is way hotter than the others. Is this what it's like to be a hot chick? You can expect dudes to fly you on a private jet to the Maltese islands. What if you were going out with that chick and you did have a private jet, and you took her on it for a surprise trip, and you touched down in the Bahamas, would she be pissed? "Bahamas? You think I'm some ho of the street? Take me to the Maltese islands, motherfucker." Seriously, is this how good y'all have it? And as you saw, she's not the only one. There are frequent mentions of "jets" or "private planes". It's time for us, as a nation, to stop the production of romantic comedies immediately. Bitches are believing this shit. You hear girls say all the time that "there are no good guys out there". Let them complete the sentence, it's actually "There are no good guys with private jets out there". Fuck 'em. I gotta find a girl like Yvonne:
My perfect date would be: Being with someone who did nothing to annoy me.
Low standards have never looked so good.
--Whoa, I totally forgot about the best part of the "Bachelor" - the "crazy eyes" girl. Every season there's a girl with crazy eyes, and every season those crazy eyes do something...crazy. And this year's crazy eyes girl brought us, and ABC, some gold. The network ran promos for her in the ground, and that was wise.
If you don't know her, her name is Allie, but she's known by everyone as Allie G. She's the girl who said that her ovaries were "rotting" and was demanding that the Bachelor reproduce with her. She says she's 33 but like every girl on the Bachelor who isn't 22, you always have to add 4 years. Her reproduction and ovary talk put a perfect distinction between the difference between old girls and young girls. 37 year olds think their ovaries are rotting, 23 year olds think ovaries is how they like their eggs.
But God bless them! These old chicks have given up on their private jet dreams, now they just want a good, working dick, and you have to respect that. I'm probably going to lose 80 percent of my audience with this, but that seems to be the evolution of "Bachelor" women. Here's how they've broken down on the show, self esteem wise:
22 - 28: i am the hottest shit in the world, and my vagina is full of lottery tickets that I ain't given away till i see your jet plane. I actually believe that I am going to find a guy who will surpise with trips to the island of my choice, and if I don't find him, who cares? I have a lottery ticket vagina!
29 - 34: Uh, oh, what are these wrinkles? and my boobs, my boobs look like Kirsten Dunst's! what the? maybe i'm not the hottest shit anymore, maybe i don't need a guy with a private jet, maybe a guy with a southwest card would be ok. and where did all those lottery tickets go? guys used to be scratching down there like crazy!
35 - 39: My ovaries are rotting. He must marry me or I will cry and pass out and they'll have to call an ambulance and it will be on every single promo and it will hypnotize Irwin and he'll have to watch. Marry me, motherfucker! young girls are bad, they're immature, they don't want babies, their asses are impeccable, i mean, oh forget it, just cut me, i'm the crazy eyes girl.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Golden Globes 2006
If you took the world's most powerful computer and fed it a list of every celebrity on the planet, it would not come up with a more perfect couple than Nicolette Sheridan and Michael Bolton.
When did Heidi Klum give her boobs to Scarlett Johansson?
As my friend Mat would say: Damn you, Clooney and your ruggedly handsome good looks!
The greatest judge of a pretty girl is, if she completely jacks her hair up, is she still hot? Portman, yes, Weisz, no.
Hold on, my eyes need to time to recover from that cut from Alba to Barbara Hershey's face.
Holy shit! The new Superman is 7 feet tall! And a dork.
Oh, Sandra. Stop taking roles from the good looking asians.
I've never been a fan of Kyra Sedgwick, but she looks good. And those are fake.
If nothing else convinces you that awards shows are the stupidest thing in the world, let me give you these four words: Geena Davis, award winner.
The movie "Ray" was good and all, but was it worth the next ten years of Jamie Foxx?
Nice of Reese to mention that her husband Ryan Phillippe is still a working actor.
I'm gonna have to call "Strawberry" on Chris Rock's Snoop Dogg joke. Chico and the Man joke though, gold.
Fuck you, Crudup, I don't see Danes winning any awards. Or having boobs.
Quick shot of Kevin Nealon, and then Russell Crowe. That's what makes the Golden Globes great.
In the clip for some Donald Sutherland TV movie, he tells Mira Sorvino: "You know a lot of things, but you don't know a thing about acting". Ha!
Desperate Housewives wins. Award shows are always a year behind. How did Marcia Cross not win best actress? Just look at how great she's pretending to like Eva Longoria.
Penelope Cruz must drive wannabe actresses who actually speak english insane.
SIDE NOTE: Pink Panther will be horrible, and I don't like that new Beyonce song, but in those few seconds before I turn the station, I get "black girl neck".
At least Mariah can say that she's skinnier than Janet Jackson right now. That's something.
Oh, Gwynnie, what happened?
Did you catch Swank's brother? Same jaw.
Right now, I am simultaneously watching the Laker game, the Globes, The Bachelor, and Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Luckily, Ang Lee's a "talker" and allowing me to catch the last minute of Kobe being a straight cold-hearted killer.
If Travolta was in any other line of work, he's be the creepiest dude you know.
Joaquine Phoenix--wait, Lamar Odom...fadeaway...good!
Zellweger, don't confuse us by looking normal and pretty.
Lost won, everything is right in the world. Obviously, I've never watched "Commander in Chief", but in the clip I was shocked to see that that douchebag Colin from 90210 is in it! Hate that guy.
Dennis Quaid does an inappropriate "rhymes with chick flick" joke about Brokeback. Yes, we've officially arrived at the inebriated portion of the awards.
Felicity Huffman: "I'd like to thank the director and the Weinsteins for believing in me, and thinking that I was believable as a man pretending to be a woman."
Love Philip Seymour Hoffman. Unfortunately, it is another "imitation" acting award. Can't we just give it to Crowe every year?
Not surprisingly, Brokeback wins. I still didn't see the love.
When did Heidi Klum give her boobs to Scarlett Johansson?
As my friend Mat would say: Damn you, Clooney and your ruggedly handsome good looks!
The greatest judge of a pretty girl is, if she completely jacks her hair up, is she still hot? Portman, yes, Weisz, no.
Hold on, my eyes need to time to recover from that cut from Alba to Barbara Hershey's face.
Holy shit! The new Superman is 7 feet tall! And a dork.
Oh, Sandra. Stop taking roles from the good looking asians.
I've never been a fan of Kyra Sedgwick, but she looks good. And those are fake.
If nothing else convinces you that awards shows are the stupidest thing in the world, let me give you these four words: Geena Davis, award winner.
The movie "Ray" was good and all, but was it worth the next ten years of Jamie Foxx?
Nice of Reese to mention that her husband Ryan Phillippe is still a working actor.
I'm gonna have to call "Strawberry" on Chris Rock's Snoop Dogg joke. Chico and the Man joke though, gold.
Fuck you, Crudup, I don't see Danes winning any awards. Or having boobs.
Quick shot of Kevin Nealon, and then Russell Crowe. That's what makes the Golden Globes great.
In the clip for some Donald Sutherland TV movie, he tells Mira Sorvino: "You know a lot of things, but you don't know a thing about acting". Ha!
Desperate Housewives wins. Award shows are always a year behind. How did Marcia Cross not win best actress? Just look at how great she's pretending to like Eva Longoria.
Penelope Cruz must drive wannabe actresses who actually speak english insane.
SIDE NOTE: Pink Panther will be horrible, and I don't like that new Beyonce song, but in those few seconds before I turn the station, I get "black girl neck".
At least Mariah can say that she's skinnier than Janet Jackson right now. That's something.
Oh, Gwynnie, what happened?
Did you catch Swank's brother? Same jaw.
Right now, I am simultaneously watching the Laker game, the Globes, The Bachelor, and Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Luckily, Ang Lee's a "talker" and allowing me to catch the last minute of Kobe being a straight cold-hearted killer.
If Travolta was in any other line of work, he's be the creepiest dude you know.
Joaquine Phoenix--wait, Lamar Odom...fadeaway...good!
Zellweger, don't confuse us by looking normal and pretty.
Lost won, everything is right in the world. Obviously, I've never watched "Commander in Chief", but in the clip I was shocked to see that that douchebag Colin from 90210 is in it! Hate that guy.
Dennis Quaid does an inappropriate "rhymes with chick flick" joke about Brokeback. Yes, we've officially arrived at the inebriated portion of the awards.
Felicity Huffman: "I'd like to thank the director and the Weinsteins for believing in me, and thinking that I was believable as a man pretending to be a woman."
Love Philip Seymour Hoffman. Unfortunately, it is another "imitation" acting award. Can't we just give it to Crowe every year?
Not surprisingly, Brokeback wins. I still didn't see the love.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Is Andy Samberg Our Savior?
We've all know that for the last couple years, Saturday Night Live has, for the lack of a better expression, sucked huge cock. I mean, it's been rough. I could write 10,000 words about how much that douchebag Horation Sanz sucks alone. He's embarrassing himself on a weekly basis on that show, yet they keep throwing him out there. It's like how the Packers keep starting Brett Favre even though he hasn't been good in years. This is a shitty comparison though because at least Favre was at one point good. Sanz has always been horrible. What are they thinking with that guy? I don't get it, but I don't get a lot of stuff that they're doing.
But SNL is unlike any other show in that everyone WANTS it to be good. When people admit that they've stopped watching, it's so painful, it's similar to when people begrudgingly admit that i'm right about Brokeback.
But an interesting thing happened this season with SNL. A taped piece they did, besides being actually funny, got a huge response on the internet. So much so that NBC was forced to put the clip on their website for people to download. If you missed it, and you probably did because you stopped watching SNL a long time ago, it featured new cast member Andy Samberg along with Chris Parnell rapping about going to see "The Chronicles of Narnia". And it's good. The blogs (the nerdy ones) were all over this thing and posted it right away and it got something like 1 million downloads. It's funny because this hasn't really happened with SNL before, yet when you think about it, it's the kind of thing that should happen ALL the time.
Anyway, this Samberg dude is getting a lot of attention from it. So who is this guy, you ask? Not so coincidentally he is not from the places SNL usually picks it's cast members - Second City, Groundlings - he's a guy who was making short films in LA.
Brief history: about 5 years ago there was a sudden explosion of short films being made because of faster internet connections and quality of camcorders and such. This began with the legendary short "Black People Hate Me and They Hate My Glasses (or something)" and ended with the also legendary "Kicked in the Nuts" (in which a guy would go around kicking people in the nuts and then tell them they had just been kicked in the nuts and they would be excited even though they were in pain). Well, Samberg was a product of this, and him and 2 of his fellow jewish buddies made a bunch of shorts that got a lot of attention on sites like channel101.com, and their own www.thelonelyisland.com. They then worked with Jimmy Fallon on the VMA's, he told Lorne, yada yada yada, and he not only got hired to be a "featured player", but the two jewish buddies got hired as writers as well.
What I'm trying to say is, this is some new blood. But is it time to watch SNL again?
First, let me argue against these jews. The popularity of this thing and his attention from it are kind of pissing me off, because I have been Chris Parnell's number one fan since forever. And he's rapped on the show numerous times, and every single time it's been hilarious. Many of you I'm sure remember his rap about he and Kirsten Dunst's secret romance. So what the fuck? This isn't new. Where's Parnell's overdue love? Secondly, I've checked out their websites and their shorts and I was very underwhelmed. They have an OC spoof called "The Bu", which I would love for it to be good but it's just aiight. Thirdly, this dude was on Letterman (all because of that rap! again, props to Parnell, please!) and seemed more like a bewildered average joe than a comedic performer.
However, at least something funny happened on the show, and at least they've branched out into other stuff instead of sticking with the same, tired Improv trained hacks (hi, seth myers). And at least this something funny was pretty much different than anything they've done in the last 10 years or so. But one problem remains, and he goes by the name of Lorne.
Is this guy a legend of comedy? Is he a genius? Or is he the luckiest bastard in the history of the world? SNL does the same thing week after week: they open with Hardball or a George Bush sketch, then monologue, then slightly funny commercial parody, then horrific sketch featuring Horation Sanz laughing, then another, then music, then weekend update, then more bad sketches. SNL wasn't always like this. They're used to not be a set pattern. This is a comedy show, on at 11:30 saturdays, they can do whatever they want. Shouldn't it be crazy? Shouldn't they mix it up? In the '70's, Albert Brooks used to make short films for them. Andy Kaufman would do standup. Hell, Steven Wright used to standup. Why aren't they doing these things anymore?
Another thing is the process. They don't work during the day, they write everything at night. This used to be a good idea when everyone was on coke, but it kinda sucks when only Will Forte is.
On Letterman, Samberg said that he and his buddies shot the rap thing themselves, implying that Lorne possibly wasn't behind it. Plus, as I recall, and I may be recalling wrong, they stuck this rap thing near the end, also implying that Lorne didn't think it was that funny.
So it's possible that even if Samberg and his jews are something new and good and interesting, maybe Lorne won't let that new blood shine. It's scary to think that the guy judging what should be on the show doesn't know what the hell is funny, and from the looks of things for the last three years, that thought isn't just scary, it's true.
But SNL is unlike any other show in that everyone WANTS it to be good. When people admit that they've stopped watching, it's so painful, it's similar to when people begrudgingly admit that i'm right about Brokeback.
But an interesting thing happened this season with SNL. A taped piece they did, besides being actually funny, got a huge response on the internet. So much so that NBC was forced to put the clip on their website for people to download. If you missed it, and you probably did because you stopped watching SNL a long time ago, it featured new cast member Andy Samberg along with Chris Parnell rapping about going to see "The Chronicles of Narnia". And it's good. The blogs (the nerdy ones) were all over this thing and posted it right away and it got something like 1 million downloads. It's funny because this hasn't really happened with SNL before, yet when you think about it, it's the kind of thing that should happen ALL the time.
Anyway, this Samberg dude is getting a lot of attention from it. So who is this guy, you ask? Not so coincidentally he is not from the places SNL usually picks it's cast members - Second City, Groundlings - he's a guy who was making short films in LA.
Brief history: about 5 years ago there was a sudden explosion of short films being made because of faster internet connections and quality of camcorders and such. This began with the legendary short "Black People Hate Me and They Hate My Glasses (or something)" and ended with the also legendary "Kicked in the Nuts" (in which a guy would go around kicking people in the nuts and then tell them they had just been kicked in the nuts and they would be excited even though they were in pain). Well, Samberg was a product of this, and him and 2 of his fellow jewish buddies made a bunch of shorts that got a lot of attention on sites like channel101.com, and their own www.thelonelyisland.com. They then worked with Jimmy Fallon on the VMA's, he told Lorne, yada yada yada, and he not only got hired to be a "featured player", but the two jewish buddies got hired as writers as well.
What I'm trying to say is, this is some new blood. But is it time to watch SNL again?
First, let me argue against these jews. The popularity of this thing and his attention from it are kind of pissing me off, because I have been Chris Parnell's number one fan since forever. And he's rapped on the show numerous times, and every single time it's been hilarious. Many of you I'm sure remember his rap about he and Kirsten Dunst's secret romance. So what the fuck? This isn't new. Where's Parnell's overdue love? Secondly, I've checked out their websites and their shorts and I was very underwhelmed. They have an OC spoof called "The Bu", which I would love for it to be good but it's just aiight. Thirdly, this dude was on Letterman (all because of that rap! again, props to Parnell, please!) and seemed more like a bewildered average joe than a comedic performer.
However, at least something funny happened on the show, and at least they've branched out into other stuff instead of sticking with the same, tired Improv trained hacks (hi, seth myers). And at least this something funny was pretty much different than anything they've done in the last 10 years or so. But one problem remains, and he goes by the name of Lorne.
Is this guy a legend of comedy? Is he a genius? Or is he the luckiest bastard in the history of the world? SNL does the same thing week after week: they open with Hardball or a George Bush sketch, then monologue, then slightly funny commercial parody, then horrific sketch featuring Horation Sanz laughing, then another, then music, then weekend update, then more bad sketches. SNL wasn't always like this. They're used to not be a set pattern. This is a comedy show, on at 11:30 saturdays, they can do whatever they want. Shouldn't it be crazy? Shouldn't they mix it up? In the '70's, Albert Brooks used to make short films for them. Andy Kaufman would do standup. Hell, Steven Wright used to standup. Why aren't they doing these things anymore?
Another thing is the process. They don't work during the day, they write everything at night. This used to be a good idea when everyone was on coke, but it kinda sucks when only Will Forte is.
On Letterman, Samberg said that he and his buddies shot the rap thing themselves, implying that Lorne possibly wasn't behind it. Plus, as I recall, and I may be recalling wrong, they stuck this rap thing near the end, also implying that Lorne didn't think it was that funny.
So it's possible that even if Samberg and his jews are something new and good and interesting, maybe Lorne won't let that new blood shine. It's scary to think that the guy judging what should be on the show doesn't know what the hell is funny, and from the looks of things for the last three years, that thought isn't just scary, it's true.
Golden Globes
I hate awards shows. I especially hate Entertainment Weekly's love of awards shows, particularly the Oscars. What Princess Di was to People Magazine in the '90's, Oscar is to EW now. If one serious movie comes out, at any time, that is reason enough for them to start talking about the Oscars. It will be March and they'll start looking at the "Oscar buzz" for movies coming out in December. It's silly. But what is especially silly is judging acting performances against each other. And what's even worse than that, is not giving one ounce of credit to movies and performances that are silly, er, comedies. Heath Ledger's great and all, but I'd love to see him try to do what Vince Vaughn did in "Wedding Crashers". And did Heath really just figure acting out after he did The Omen? I doubt it. He's the same dude, only in a better movie. Vaughn should be nominated in every awards show there is (and then he should never be nominated again cause it's the only character he can do well).
Also, as we've all seen the last couple years, there might be a difference between "good acting" and what I call "playing a retard". Or, for that matter, doing an impression. I mean, last time I checked Dana Carvey doesn't have any Oscars, so why in the hell should Jamie Foxx have one?
Despite my awards hate, the fact is that much like American Idol, you can't ignore their popularity, no matter how horrible they are. And I have to say, of all awards shows, the Golden Globes is definitely the least annoying. Since I haven't seen all the movies, I'm just going to look at the TV stuff. Here we go:
BEST ACTRESS, Television Comedy or Musical
Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives"
Teri Hatcher, "Desperate Housewives"
Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives"
Eva Longoria, "Desperate Housewives"
Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds
Are you fucking kidding me? What a sad state of affairs it is for you ladies out there. All the Desperate Housewives chicks? Well, I don't get Showtime, and no one that I know does, so I haven't seen Weeds. But I have been watching The West Wing reruns on Bravo and have to say that I enjoy Mary-Louise Parker (and she is way hotter than Claire Danes, Crudup, so check this out: starring in Big Fish: 2 million dollars, doing voice over for this set of commercials: 5 million dollars, cheating on your girlfriend while she's pregnant with your baby with a girl who has a 12 year old boy's body: you're a douchebag). But again, I haven't seen the show.
I'm a big Marcia Cross fan - obviously, Melrose Place is a huge factor in this. But I also think that Felicity Huffman does a good job too, and is very convincing playing the role of a woman. I give her the edge for making us believe that she doesn't have a penis.
BEST ACTOR, Television Comedy or Musical
Jason Lee, "My Name is Earl"
Zach Braff, "Scrubs"
Steve Carell, "The Office"
Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm"
Charlie Sheen, "Two and A Half Men"
Seeing Charlie Sheen on this list makes me want to stop doing this, and I think Larry David himself would tell you that he's not an actor. I really like the other three guys, but I gotta go with Steve Carrell for his Chris Rock imitation alone on that show. The show isn't that good, but that was hilarious. And Zach Braff isn't half as funny as his cohort, Donald Faison. And Jason Lee isn't trying.
BEST ACTOR, Television Drama
Hugh Laurie, "House"
Patrick Dempsey, "Grey's Anatomy"
Matthew Fox, "Lost"
Wentworth Miller, "Prison Break"
Kiefer Sutherland, "24"
First of all, Patrick Dempsey and Matthew Fox are not lead actors on their shows. They are in supporting roles, Fox isn't even in some episodes for crying out loud. You can watch Lost without Jack, you can't watch House without House, or 24 without Kiefer, or Prison Break without that bald guy staring into the camera.
But I have to go with Patrick Dempsey just because of "Can't Buy Me Love". Do you think that Dempsey saved all of his money up from the his '80's movies, and then went to the mall to buy a telescope so he could spend his latter years looking into the stars, and then saw the creator of "Grey's Anatomy" at a clothing store with a white leather outfit that had a huge red wine stain on it, and went over there with his big wad of cash and said "I'll give you this money if you agree to let me be on your show. If I'm on your show, people will think I'm cool again." That's probably not how it happened, but that's the way I like to imagine it.
He's Ronald Miller, man! All you have to know about him is that he was able to go from "totally geek to totally chic". (by the way, how about the fact that Dempsey is nominated for lead actor, Sandra Oh is nominated for supporting, Grey's Anatomy is nominated for best show, and Ellen Pompeo, the main character of the entire thing is nowhere to be found? Foreign people hate Pompeo.)
BEST ACTRESS, Television Drama
Patricia Arquette, "Medium"
Glenn Close, "The Shield"
Geena Davis, "Commander in Chief"
Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer"
Polly Walker, "Rome"
Patricia Arquette is eliminated because of her teeth, or, as my buddy Paul Wall would say, "her grill, her, her grill". Geena Davis is eliminated because she's a no talent ass clown, and a complete ass face, and has ruined more movies than Renny Harlin. I don't watch The Shield or Rome and I've never heard of The Closer, so in a Golden Globe first, no one wins.
BEST TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
"Prison Break"
"Rome"
"Lost"
"Grey's Anatomy"
"Commander in Chief"
Finally, some good shit - except for you, Commander in Chief. Love these shows, they're awesome. However, if anything but Lost wins, it's a national travesty. Actually, this is the Golden Globes, voted on by the Foreign Press, so it's an international travesty. It's not only the best show right now, it might be the show of all time. That's right, I said it.
BEST TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY
"My Name is Earl"
"Everybody Hates Chris"
"Weeds"
"Curb Your Enthusiasm"
"Desperate Housewives"
"Entourage"
This is an easy one, people. It was Entourage this year, no question about it. More people were talking about this show than probably anything else on TV. They revived Saget for Christ Sake! If you can single handedly rejuvenate the career of a guy who wasn't funny in the first place, you at least have to get the Golden Globe.
Greatest thing about this category? No fucking Raymond and "funny voice" brother guy. And by the way, Desperate Housewives in comedy? This show hasn't been funny since we were all high on crack while watching it last year.
Okay, the rest of the awards basically involve shit I've never seen. Enjoy, and go Ronald Miller!
Also, as we've all seen the last couple years, there might be a difference between "good acting" and what I call "playing a retard". Or, for that matter, doing an impression. I mean, last time I checked Dana Carvey doesn't have any Oscars, so why in the hell should Jamie Foxx have one?
Despite my awards hate, the fact is that much like American Idol, you can't ignore their popularity, no matter how horrible they are. And I have to say, of all awards shows, the Golden Globes is definitely the least annoying. Since I haven't seen all the movies, I'm just going to look at the TV stuff. Here we go:
BEST ACTRESS, Television Comedy or Musical
Marcia Cross, "Desperate Housewives"
Teri Hatcher, "Desperate Housewives"
Felicity Huffman, "Desperate Housewives"
Eva Longoria, "Desperate Housewives"
Mary-Louise Parker, "Weeds
Are you fucking kidding me? What a sad state of affairs it is for you ladies out there. All the Desperate Housewives chicks? Well, I don't get Showtime, and no one that I know does, so I haven't seen Weeds. But I have been watching The West Wing reruns on Bravo and have to say that I enjoy Mary-Louise Parker (and she is way hotter than Claire Danes, Crudup, so check this out: starring in Big Fish: 2 million dollars, doing voice over for this set of commercials: 5 million dollars, cheating on your girlfriend while she's pregnant with your baby with a girl who has a 12 year old boy's body: you're a douchebag). But again, I haven't seen the show.
I'm a big Marcia Cross fan - obviously, Melrose Place is a huge factor in this. But I also think that Felicity Huffman does a good job too, and is very convincing playing the role of a woman. I give her the edge for making us believe that she doesn't have a penis.
BEST ACTOR, Television Comedy or Musical
Jason Lee, "My Name is Earl"
Zach Braff, "Scrubs"
Steve Carell, "The Office"
Larry David, "Curb Your Enthusiasm"
Charlie Sheen, "Two and A Half Men"
Seeing Charlie Sheen on this list makes me want to stop doing this, and I think Larry David himself would tell you that he's not an actor. I really like the other three guys, but I gotta go with Steve Carrell for his Chris Rock imitation alone on that show. The show isn't that good, but that was hilarious. And Zach Braff isn't half as funny as his cohort, Donald Faison. And Jason Lee isn't trying.
BEST ACTOR, Television Drama
Hugh Laurie, "House"
Patrick Dempsey, "Grey's Anatomy"
Matthew Fox, "Lost"
Wentworth Miller, "Prison Break"
Kiefer Sutherland, "24"
First of all, Patrick Dempsey and Matthew Fox are not lead actors on their shows. They are in supporting roles, Fox isn't even in some episodes for crying out loud. You can watch Lost without Jack, you can't watch House without House, or 24 without Kiefer, or Prison Break without that bald guy staring into the camera.
But I have to go with Patrick Dempsey just because of "Can't Buy Me Love". Do you think that Dempsey saved all of his money up from the his '80's movies, and then went to the mall to buy a telescope so he could spend his latter years looking into the stars, and then saw the creator of "Grey's Anatomy" at a clothing store with a white leather outfit that had a huge red wine stain on it, and went over there with his big wad of cash and said "I'll give you this money if you agree to let me be on your show. If I'm on your show, people will think I'm cool again." That's probably not how it happened, but that's the way I like to imagine it.
He's Ronald Miller, man! All you have to know about him is that he was able to go from "totally geek to totally chic". (by the way, how about the fact that Dempsey is nominated for lead actor, Sandra Oh is nominated for supporting, Grey's Anatomy is nominated for best show, and Ellen Pompeo, the main character of the entire thing is nowhere to be found? Foreign people hate Pompeo.)
BEST ACTRESS, Television Drama
Patricia Arquette, "Medium"
Glenn Close, "The Shield"
Geena Davis, "Commander in Chief"
Kyra Sedgwick, "The Closer"
Polly Walker, "Rome"
Patricia Arquette is eliminated because of her teeth, or, as my buddy Paul Wall would say, "her grill, her, her grill". Geena Davis is eliminated because she's a no talent ass clown, and a complete ass face, and has ruined more movies than Renny Harlin. I don't watch The Shield or Rome and I've never heard of The Closer, so in a Golden Globe first, no one wins.
BEST TELEVISION SERIES, DRAMA
"Prison Break"
"Rome"
"Lost"
"Grey's Anatomy"
"Commander in Chief"
Finally, some good shit - except for you, Commander in Chief. Love these shows, they're awesome. However, if anything but Lost wins, it's a national travesty. Actually, this is the Golden Globes, voted on by the Foreign Press, so it's an international travesty. It's not only the best show right now, it might be the show of all time. That's right, I said it.
BEST TELEVISION SERIES, COMEDY
"My Name is Earl"
"Everybody Hates Chris"
"Weeds"
"Curb Your Enthusiasm"
"Desperate Housewives"
"Entourage"
This is an easy one, people. It was Entourage this year, no question about it. More people were talking about this show than probably anything else on TV. They revived Saget for Christ Sake! If you can single handedly rejuvenate the career of a guy who wasn't funny in the first place, you at least have to get the Golden Globe.
Greatest thing about this category? No fucking Raymond and "funny voice" brother guy. And by the way, Desperate Housewives in comedy? This show hasn't been funny since we were all high on crack while watching it last year.
Okay, the rest of the awards basically involve shit I've never seen. Enjoy, and go Ronald Miller!
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
"Grillz" - The black man's "My Humps"
I had been hearing this Nelly song on the radio for awhile now and even though I like Nelly, I would always change the station. I didn't know what the song was called or what it was about or anything, but I knew it sounded a lot like that crap ass Houston style rap and I hate that shit.
Well, all that changed a couple weeks ago when my alarm went off (always tuned to Power 106) and that Nelly song was playing. For some reason, went I'm in my sleepy fog in the morning, I always pay extreme attention to the lyrics of whatever song is playing. And as it turns out, it's not so much a Nelly song, you can hear him in the background but he shares it with other guys. And sure enough, one of those guys is Houston rapper Paul Wall. The song is called "Grillz" and it is amazing. And by amazing I mean insane.
This entire song is about putting "ice" on your teeth. Well, first of all, does anyone think that's a good idea or good looking at all? Secondly, is this really relatable to the kids in the street? No and no, and that's what makes it great. It's totally a gimmick song, but not a full fledged gimmick song because these guys just aren't clever enough (their lyrics are clever, but not their music). Which got me thinking that "Grillz" is really the black man's counterpart to the "My Humps" song.
Yes, I know that Paul Wall is white, but he's really only white in the birth sense and not in the cultural sense. His skin color is white, but on the inside he's as black as Yaphet Kotto.
Because it's a gimmick and because they don't entirely pull it off, it lends some respectability to "My Humps" because it's so much more clever in comparison. However, the lyrics in "Grillz" are a million times better than any horrific line in Humps. And to prove it, let's check out some of the poetry from the song. These are real, I cannot make this shit up, people.
Here is, as the cool kids say, the hook:
Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
Let me see ya grill
(let you see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Rob da jewelry store and tell em make me a grill)
Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
I want to see your grill
(You wanna see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Had a whole top diamonds and da bottom rows gold)
This is an especially painful "hook" for me because I actually wince when anyone, even black people, use "grill" as slang for mouth. I don't know, it's kinda like the word underpants, or the word pussy to my friend T. And aren't these guys rich? Why do they have to "rob the jewelry store"? Who do they tell to make them a grill? I think there are many unanswerable questions in the hook.
But let's dig deeper and see what our good friend Paul Wall has to say about the subject on his verse:
What it do baby
Its da ice man paul wall
I got my mouth lookin somethin like a disco ball
I got da diamonds and da ice all hand set
I might cause a cold front if i take a deep breath
Holy shit, this guy's a lyrical genius! No wonder everyone's loving this guy. He's not just a rapper, he's a meteorologist! A cold front? If he works barometric pressure in I'm declaring him the next Eminem:
My teeth gleaming like im chewin on aluminum foil
Smilein showin off my diamonds sippin on some potin oil
I put my money where my mouth is and bought a grill
20 carrots 30 stacks let em know im so fo real
My motivation is from 30 pointers V VS the furniture my mouth
piece simply symbolize success
I admit it, I don't know what most of that means, but the good news is I don't think he does either. I like that aluminum foil bit though. You're not gonna believe this, but I haven't even got to Paul's best line yet:
My mouth piece simply certified a total package
Open up my mouth and you see mo carrots than a salad
My teeth are mind blowin givin everybody chillz
Call me George foreman cuz im sellin everybody grillz
Okay, first of all: this dude managed to rhyme package and salad! And you're trying to tell me this guy isn't black? Please. Paul Wall is a fucking pioneer, he has managed to completely eliminate the color line. Racists have no idea what to do with this guy. I'm gonna have to have my fact checkers here at Irwin Inc. do some research on that "mo carrots than a salad" line, because I put a lot of carrots in my salad.
Now obviously, there is that George Foremna line, which speaks for itself, but think about the line before it for a second. His teeth gives people chillz? Is he talking about the good kinda chillz? Apparently, these black/white hybrid dudes don't know what's attractive.
All right, next up are some slightly unknown rappers from "the lou". Which, for some reason, is not Louisville (maybe people there say they're from "the ville", but the lou is actually St. Louis. Here's what Gipp's grill looks like:
Gipp got dem yellows, got dem purples, got dem reds
Lights gon hit ya and make you woozie in ya head
You can catch me in my 2 short drop
Mouth got colors like a fruit loop box
Again, I had no idea that guy's grillz could give you chillz or make you woozie in the head. And since when is having anything on your body look like a "fruit loop box" hardcore? Last time I looked, fruit loopz were rainbow colored and rainbow is kinda the opposite of hardcore, it's more gaycore.
We've seen some great lines, true, but it's time for the cherry on top. For those of you out there who say rap isn't good or is hack or whatever, perhaps you've never fully listened to the genius:
Where i got em you can spot them
On da top in da bottom
Gotta bill in my mouth like im Hillary Rodham
This shit is political! They know their Senators, people. She's not even a representative of "the lou"! I love the use of the maiden name just to rhyme with bottom, but I almost wish it was "on da top in da bottominsky, gotta bill in my mouth like i'm monica lewinsky". but that might be Strawberry at this point.
Although maybe he didn't mean it in the sexual way, maybe it's like bill as in Senate bill. I guess like all great art, it's really up to your own interpretation. It just depends where your head is at. That's right, I just said head.
Well, all that changed a couple weeks ago when my alarm went off (always tuned to Power 106) and that Nelly song was playing. For some reason, went I'm in my sleepy fog in the morning, I always pay extreme attention to the lyrics of whatever song is playing. And as it turns out, it's not so much a Nelly song, you can hear him in the background but he shares it with other guys. And sure enough, one of those guys is Houston rapper Paul Wall. The song is called "Grillz" and it is amazing. And by amazing I mean insane.
This entire song is about putting "ice" on your teeth. Well, first of all, does anyone think that's a good idea or good looking at all? Secondly, is this really relatable to the kids in the street? No and no, and that's what makes it great. It's totally a gimmick song, but not a full fledged gimmick song because these guys just aren't clever enough (their lyrics are clever, but not their music). Which got me thinking that "Grillz" is really the black man's counterpart to the "My Humps" song.
Yes, I know that Paul Wall is white, but he's really only white in the birth sense and not in the cultural sense. His skin color is white, but on the inside he's as black as Yaphet Kotto.
Because it's a gimmick and because they don't entirely pull it off, it lends some respectability to "My Humps" because it's so much more clever in comparison. However, the lyrics in "Grillz" are a million times better than any horrific line in Humps. And to prove it, let's check out some of the poetry from the song. These are real, I cannot make this shit up, people.
Here is, as the cool kids say, the hook:
Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
Let me see ya grill
(let you see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Rob da jewelry store and tell em make me a grill)
Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
I want to see your grill
(You wanna see my what)
Ya, ya grill ya, ya, ya grill
(Had a whole top diamonds and da bottom rows gold)
This is an especially painful "hook" for me because I actually wince when anyone, even black people, use "grill" as slang for mouth. I don't know, it's kinda like the word underpants, or the word pussy to my friend T. And aren't these guys rich? Why do they have to "rob the jewelry store"? Who do they tell to make them a grill? I think there are many unanswerable questions in the hook.
But let's dig deeper and see what our good friend Paul Wall has to say about the subject on his verse:
What it do baby
Its da ice man paul wall
I got my mouth lookin somethin like a disco ball
I got da diamonds and da ice all hand set
I might cause a cold front if i take a deep breath
Holy shit, this guy's a lyrical genius! No wonder everyone's loving this guy. He's not just a rapper, he's a meteorologist! A cold front? If he works barometric pressure in I'm declaring him the next Eminem:
My teeth gleaming like im chewin on aluminum foil
Smilein showin off my diamonds sippin on some potin oil
I put my money where my mouth is and bought a grill
20 carrots 30 stacks let em know im so fo real
My motivation is from 30 pointers V VS the furniture my mouth
piece simply symbolize success
I admit it, I don't know what most of that means, but the good news is I don't think he does either. I like that aluminum foil bit though. You're not gonna believe this, but I haven't even got to Paul's best line yet:
My mouth piece simply certified a total package
Open up my mouth and you see mo carrots than a salad
My teeth are mind blowin givin everybody chillz
Call me George foreman cuz im sellin everybody grillz
Okay, first of all: this dude managed to rhyme package and salad! And you're trying to tell me this guy isn't black? Please. Paul Wall is a fucking pioneer, he has managed to completely eliminate the color line. Racists have no idea what to do with this guy. I'm gonna have to have my fact checkers here at Irwin Inc. do some research on that "mo carrots than a salad" line, because I put a lot of carrots in my salad.
Now obviously, there is that George Foremna line, which speaks for itself, but think about the line before it for a second. His teeth gives people chillz? Is he talking about the good kinda chillz? Apparently, these black/white hybrid dudes don't know what's attractive.
All right, next up are some slightly unknown rappers from "the lou". Which, for some reason, is not Louisville (maybe people there say they're from "the ville", but the lou is actually St. Louis. Here's what Gipp's grill looks like:
Gipp got dem yellows, got dem purples, got dem reds
Lights gon hit ya and make you woozie in ya head
You can catch me in my 2 short drop
Mouth got colors like a fruit loop box
Again, I had no idea that guy's grillz could give you chillz or make you woozie in the head. And since when is having anything on your body look like a "fruit loop box" hardcore? Last time I looked, fruit loopz were rainbow colored and rainbow is kinda the opposite of hardcore, it's more gaycore.
We've seen some great lines, true, but it's time for the cherry on top. For those of you out there who say rap isn't good or is hack or whatever, perhaps you've never fully listened to the genius:
Where i got em you can spot them
On da top in da bottom
Gotta bill in my mouth like im Hillary Rodham
This shit is political! They know their Senators, people. She's not even a representative of "the lou"! I love the use of the maiden name just to rhyme with bottom, but I almost wish it was "on da top in da bottominsky, gotta bill in my mouth like i'm monica lewinsky". but that might be Strawberry at this point.
Although maybe he didn't mean it in the sexual way, maybe it's like bill as in Senate bill. I guess like all great art, it's really up to your own interpretation. It just depends where your head is at. That's right, I just said head.
Monday, January 09, 2006
TV Things
Well, after last night's episode, I think it's safe to say that Desperate Housewives is dead. You know it's over when they're stealing my "Desperate Gardeners" bit. Bastards.
Is Lost ever coming back on? Who knew that in real life Sayid was going out with Barbara Hershey? I mean, she's weird and ten years older than him and he's...Sayid.
Flavor Flav is retarded, right? And I don't mean retarded in the "comedy" way like how Tara Reid and Ashlee Simpson are retarded, I mean in the actual medical definition of retarded where someone is, you know, retarded.
And speaking of medical stuff, I think I've reached my limit on medical shows with the "wacky" doctor who is all unorthodox and will try stuff that would never work in real life but works on TV. I just heard this promo, which is exactly like all the other promos: (Narrator) "Has Dr. So and So finally gone too far?" CUT TO: The Doctor coming into the young patient's room where she lies with her mother and the the Doctor says: "I want to give your daughter Viagra!" (Narrator) "On the next Horshit's Anatomy!". I swear that's real. Those writers must be tired of making up fake uses for stuff. In a way it would be more interesting if patients would come in with the symptoms for Chlamydia and then all they actually had was Chlamydia. And the wacky doctor would be like, "Well, it looks like she has chlamydia but let's give her that rare test to see if it's not Ebola" "I'm a whore" "Oh, then it's probably chlamydia."
I saw the greatest ad for a new show on MTV the other night, it's going to be the next "Breaking Bonaduce" only even more disturbing. It follows Ashley Angel's attempt at a career comeback. Who is Ashley Angel you ask? A porn star? Nope. A hooker? Nope. A porn star/hooker? Wrong again. Ashley Angel is one of the dudes from that fucking horrific group "O-Town", and yes, he's a dude! And his name is Ashley Angel! It was the best preview. Holy crap, this guy is such a piece of shit, and I might be a piece of shit just for wanting to watch him and his miserable life but i'm perfectly fine with that. You see, he's all sad because O-Town is over and he didn't make any money, so now he lives on his girlfriend's mom's couch. Oh, and his girlfriend is pregnant. So of course he's working on his new album, only now his hair is all grown out and long and his album is going to "rock". Yeah, douchebag, the only thing that is going to rock is your head when you're in concert and people throw rocks at it (that one worked better in my head). First of all, the hair? That only signified "rock" in the eighties and now all it means is that you look like the fourth Hanson brother. Second of all, have you not been following Nick Carter's career? Cause he did the exact same thing, hair and all, about two years ago and failed miserably, and he was in a group that was actually successful. The show looks so good though. He gets in a fight at a bar and a guy whacks him in the head and he tries to punch the guy back in the stomach and it's horrible. Thank you, MTV!
The only thing that makes me mad about this show is the possibility that this guy becomes famous off this, which is a recent trend I hate. I miss the old days, when if you were a loser and a laughingstock you couldn't turn that around into some kind of fame. If you made "From Justin to Kelly", it was over for you, for the both of you. It seems like the adults understand what's going on and abhor these people and make fun of them, but the young teenagers are confusing things and making them famous, and then the paparrazzi are taking pictures of them and putting them in magazines, and then before we all know it, these people are "stars". God, if you grant me one wish this 2006, please don't let this very scenario happen with Ashley Angel, he's earned his spot in non-fame, no money, hell, let him rest in peace there.
Is Lost ever coming back on? Who knew that in real life Sayid was going out with Barbara Hershey? I mean, she's weird and ten years older than him and he's...Sayid.
Flavor Flav is retarded, right? And I don't mean retarded in the "comedy" way like how Tara Reid and Ashlee Simpson are retarded, I mean in the actual medical definition of retarded where someone is, you know, retarded.
And speaking of medical stuff, I think I've reached my limit on medical shows with the "wacky" doctor who is all unorthodox and will try stuff that would never work in real life but works on TV. I just heard this promo, which is exactly like all the other promos: (Narrator) "Has Dr. So and So finally gone too far?" CUT TO: The Doctor coming into the young patient's room where she lies with her mother and the the Doctor says: "I want to give your daughter Viagra!" (Narrator) "On the next Horshit's Anatomy!". I swear that's real. Those writers must be tired of making up fake uses for stuff. In a way it would be more interesting if patients would come in with the symptoms for Chlamydia and then all they actually had was Chlamydia. And the wacky doctor would be like, "Well, it looks like she has chlamydia but let's give her that rare test to see if it's not Ebola" "I'm a whore" "Oh, then it's probably chlamydia."
I saw the greatest ad for a new show on MTV the other night, it's going to be the next "Breaking Bonaduce" only even more disturbing. It follows Ashley Angel's attempt at a career comeback. Who is Ashley Angel you ask? A porn star? Nope. A hooker? Nope. A porn star/hooker? Wrong again. Ashley Angel is one of the dudes from that fucking horrific group "O-Town", and yes, he's a dude! And his name is Ashley Angel! It was the best preview. Holy crap, this guy is such a piece of shit, and I might be a piece of shit just for wanting to watch him and his miserable life but i'm perfectly fine with that. You see, he's all sad because O-Town is over and he didn't make any money, so now he lives on his girlfriend's mom's couch. Oh, and his girlfriend is pregnant. So of course he's working on his new album, only now his hair is all grown out and long and his album is going to "rock". Yeah, douchebag, the only thing that is going to rock is your head when you're in concert and people throw rocks at it (that one worked better in my head). First of all, the hair? That only signified "rock" in the eighties and now all it means is that you look like the fourth Hanson brother. Second of all, have you not been following Nick Carter's career? Cause he did the exact same thing, hair and all, about two years ago and failed miserably, and he was in a group that was actually successful. The show looks so good though. He gets in a fight at a bar and a guy whacks him in the head and he tries to punch the guy back in the stomach and it's horrible. Thank you, MTV!
The only thing that makes me mad about this show is the possibility that this guy becomes famous off this, which is a recent trend I hate. I miss the old days, when if you were a loser and a laughingstock you couldn't turn that around into some kind of fame. If you made "From Justin to Kelly", it was over for you, for the both of you. It seems like the adults understand what's going on and abhor these people and make fun of them, but the young teenagers are confusing things and making them famous, and then the paparrazzi are taking pictures of them and putting them in magazines, and then before we all know it, these people are "stars". God, if you grant me one wish this 2006, please don't let this very scenario happen with Ashley Angel, he's earned his spot in non-fame, no money, hell, let him rest in peace there.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Brokeback Talkback (no knives included)
All right, people. Tons of reaction to Brokeback Mountain. But none better written than from my friend Pamie, of pamie.com fame (you should check out her website, because she is an actual professional). With her permission, here is her pro-Brokeback arguments and my rebuttal down below. Thanks, Pamie! (but you're wrong)
Pamie:
I read Brokeback Mountain on a plane the other day, and I can't believe
Annie Proulx isn't getting screenplay credit, because half of the
sparce dialogue is from this short story. I thought Heath Ledger did
an amazing job, particularly at portraying the anguish of a
man who was raised believing that what he thinks is sinful. (I,
however, wholeheartedly disagree with you about Anne Hathaway. I found
her to be horribly miscast, no matter what crap wig they plopped on her
head).
See. Maybe the love story's a little lost on you because you grew up
where people are a little more freelovin, bay area hippie boy. But
having spent some formative years in the South, Brokeback really does
show how fucking awful it can be to be born gay and southern and
religious, all at the same time.
You know that Ennis loves Jack when Jack mentions something about Ennis
talking more in that one moment than he has the whole time, and Ennis
says it's more than he's spoke all year. Ennis is a kind of guy who
keeps quiet, does what he's supposed to do, and works hard because
there's no choice. He has to work that hard. But Jack is different
than anything he has in his whole life. Jack is wild and fun and
crazy. Jack is passionate. Ennis loves his wife, sure. And she's a
good woman who will raise his babies. That's the only world he knew
about before meeting Jack, who wrestles and hoots and drinks and
apparently has a sweet ass that's perfect for fucking without needing
lube (ow). And Jack is way more open and aware of his feelings, so he
knows what he wants and who he wants. Ennis was raised to always do
the right thing, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness.
Here's when you know Ennis loves Jack: when Jack leaves and Ennis gets
sick in the alley, beating himself up for feeling sad and sick at
losing Jack, pissed at himself for feeling anything at all when he just
wants to forget all of it and go home and never go back to brokeback
mountain. that's one. but then he gets that postcard and he's antsy
as hell, drinking all those beers, sitting on the couch, waiting on
jack to show up. when he pushes him behind the stairs to kiss him?
that didn't get to you? irwin. man, that right there, that's the best
stuff of love.
but yeah, you saw the movie too close up, with knife fights and all. i
saw it at midnight at the grove opening night, with nothing but gay
couples and girls with their best gay friends (myself included). and
we all were weepy and emotional and holding hands (the guy next to me
introduced himself and his best girlfriend, and i did the same.
different crowd). now, having said that, dan and i always say it was
twenty minutes of a great movie surrounded by two hours of an
"important" movie. it was slow, sure, and long, and majestic. but
that forty minutes or whatever of the first four years of their
relationship, that's the best part of the movie. it's not that jack
and ennis were in bad marriages. they weren't. they were just torn
between what their hearts wanted, and what their minds knew they were
supposed to want. and back then, you didn't really have much of a
choice. they didn't fuck each other because they were bored and tired
of masturbating. they fucked each other because nobody would know, and
it was all they wanted, and they were given a moment to find out what
would happen. if they were just going to fuck each other, they could
have done that without any anguish. but when ennis hits jack at the
end of their time at brokeback, because he doesn't know what else to do
with everything he's feeling, how mad he is that jack made him realize
what he really felt about him -- it's all the classic love story
fodder. boy meets boy. boy gets boy. boy loses boy. boy makes a
life for himself. boy never forgets boy. boy ruins life for boy.
same story as walk the line.
Irwin responds:
Okay, first of all, I agree with a lot of those arguments, however...
I get the punch, I get the puking, and i get the giddy kiss on the stairs, but I don't get how one semi-clever line means love. If it were that easy, I'd be knee deep in some seriously in love bitches right now. It was just a little quick, and that's why it felt prison-like to me. Since they are southern and religious and all that, isn't it a pretty big leap to just start going anal on your cowboy buddy? It was a leap to me, so I thought it should be a big leap for them, yet after a couple days together and some dad talk, they went to town. Where was this falling in love? One line? I don't know. and in that era didn't you kind of need to be given the high sign? they weren't drinking manhattans at The Drag Strip on Saturday night, they were in 1960's Wyoming for Christ's Sake!
But for the most part, I was okay with that first part. My bigger problem with "the love" came later, when at a certain point it just felt like it wasn't their story anymore. It got lost to me. The majority of the movie was not spent with these two guys together, or with them longing for another, it was spent on their (i think bad) marriages. So it was like: their married lives for a long time, a couple minutes between them, and then more of their married lives for a long time. But I understand why: it's hard to do drama when two people are simply in love. That's boring. Still, I just didn't see what it was between these two particular characters that was love. It seems like if you're a gay cowboy in the sixties and by some miracle you meet another gay cowboy, that's enough. And that's what it was to me, i didn't see why either would really love the other, other than the fact that they were both gay and had the same job. Which, who knows, maybe that is enough, but is that a real connection? I didn't see it in the movie.
Another thing, and this argument was first brought up by my sister, but it seems like some people, not you, but some, are filling in the blanks of the movie with their knowledge of the book. The movie should stand on it's own, and I'm not sure it does. But again, I liked the movie!!! It's just a very difficult task to do something so deep and layered when you're doing a story that covers 15 years. That's tough, and I think they did a great job, it's just again, I didn't feel the love. And as for Anne Hathaway, I just enjoyed seeing her morph into ugly. I guess it was the same way in which I enjoyed Gylenhaal's sideburns and porn stache.
Suck it, homie!!!
Pamie
nice rebuttal.
by the way, brokeback is a short story, and all of about fifteen pages.
i'll bring it to you next week if you want to read it. it really
shows how the movie got turned all long because the story's so short
and sparce.
as for how long they were up there before they did the deed, i think
we're supposed to assume a month or so went by. that's why there's so
much ranching before they get to loving.
but yeah, the rest of the movie with all the family stuff, wasn't
nearly as interesting. that's why i said it's twenty minutes of a good
movie around two hours of an important one. the rest of it is to make
people who wouldn't normally see a movie like this, see a movie like
this.
as for how did they love each other?
jack made ennis feel. period.
i think jack, at first, just had the hots for ennis, and knew that he
was getting more out of ennis than anybody else ever got. but jack was
just "gayer" than ennis, and that's what allowed it to happen in the
first place. like how jack goes and gets hookers in mexico, and
eventually moves on to another guy. because he's not fooling who he
really is, and at a certain point he couldn't wait for ennis any more,
even though he would have waited for him forever.
but what do i know. i'm just infusing my own love stories into there.
that's what we all do. it's not the book we're filling in. it's how
we relate to the story.
Irwin
Word to Pamie's last word. Thanks again!
Pamie:
I read Brokeback Mountain on a plane the other day, and I can't believe
Annie Proulx isn't getting screenplay credit, because half of the
sparce dialogue is from this short story. I thought Heath Ledger did
an amazing job, particularly at portraying the anguish of a
man who was raised believing that what he thinks is sinful. (I,
however, wholeheartedly disagree with you about Anne Hathaway. I found
her to be horribly miscast, no matter what crap wig they plopped on her
head).
See. Maybe the love story's a little lost on you because you grew up
where people are a little more freelovin, bay area hippie boy. But
having spent some formative years in the South, Brokeback really does
show how fucking awful it can be to be born gay and southern and
religious, all at the same time.
You know that Ennis loves Jack when Jack mentions something about Ennis
talking more in that one moment than he has the whole time, and Ennis
says it's more than he's spoke all year. Ennis is a kind of guy who
keeps quiet, does what he's supposed to do, and works hard because
there's no choice. He has to work that hard. But Jack is different
than anything he has in his whole life. Jack is wild and fun and
crazy. Jack is passionate. Ennis loves his wife, sure. And she's a
good woman who will raise his babies. That's the only world he knew
about before meeting Jack, who wrestles and hoots and drinks and
apparently has a sweet ass that's perfect for fucking without needing
lube (ow). And Jack is way more open and aware of his feelings, so he
knows what he wants and who he wants. Ennis was raised to always do
the right thing, even if it means sacrificing his own happiness.
Here's when you know Ennis loves Jack: when Jack leaves and Ennis gets
sick in the alley, beating himself up for feeling sad and sick at
losing Jack, pissed at himself for feeling anything at all when he just
wants to forget all of it and go home and never go back to brokeback
mountain. that's one. but then he gets that postcard and he's antsy
as hell, drinking all those beers, sitting on the couch, waiting on
jack to show up. when he pushes him behind the stairs to kiss him?
that didn't get to you? irwin. man, that right there, that's the best
stuff of love.
but yeah, you saw the movie too close up, with knife fights and all. i
saw it at midnight at the grove opening night, with nothing but gay
couples and girls with their best gay friends (myself included). and
we all were weepy and emotional and holding hands (the guy next to me
introduced himself and his best girlfriend, and i did the same.
different crowd). now, having said that, dan and i always say it was
twenty minutes of a great movie surrounded by two hours of an
"important" movie. it was slow, sure, and long, and majestic. but
that forty minutes or whatever of the first four years of their
relationship, that's the best part of the movie. it's not that jack
and ennis were in bad marriages. they weren't. they were just torn
between what their hearts wanted, and what their minds knew they were
supposed to want. and back then, you didn't really have much of a
choice. they didn't fuck each other because they were bored and tired
of masturbating. they fucked each other because nobody would know, and
it was all they wanted, and they were given a moment to find out what
would happen. if they were just going to fuck each other, they could
have done that without any anguish. but when ennis hits jack at the
end of their time at brokeback, because he doesn't know what else to do
with everything he's feeling, how mad he is that jack made him realize
what he really felt about him -- it's all the classic love story
fodder. boy meets boy. boy gets boy. boy loses boy. boy makes a
life for himself. boy never forgets boy. boy ruins life for boy.
same story as walk the line.
Irwin responds:
Okay, first of all, I agree with a lot of those arguments, however...
I get the punch, I get the puking, and i get the giddy kiss on the stairs, but I don't get how one semi-clever line means love. If it were that easy, I'd be knee deep in some seriously in love bitches right now. It was just a little quick, and that's why it felt prison-like to me. Since they are southern and religious and all that, isn't it a pretty big leap to just start going anal on your cowboy buddy? It was a leap to me, so I thought it should be a big leap for them, yet after a couple days together and some dad talk, they went to town. Where was this falling in love? One line? I don't know. and in that era didn't you kind of need to be given the high sign? they weren't drinking manhattans at The Drag Strip on Saturday night, they were in 1960's Wyoming for Christ's Sake!
But for the most part, I was okay with that first part. My bigger problem with "the love" came later, when at a certain point it just felt like it wasn't their story anymore. It got lost to me. The majority of the movie was not spent with these two guys together, or with them longing for another, it was spent on their (i think bad) marriages. So it was like: their married lives for a long time, a couple minutes between them, and then more of their married lives for a long time. But I understand why: it's hard to do drama when two people are simply in love. That's boring. Still, I just didn't see what it was between these two particular characters that was love. It seems like if you're a gay cowboy in the sixties and by some miracle you meet another gay cowboy, that's enough. And that's what it was to me, i didn't see why either would really love the other, other than the fact that they were both gay and had the same job. Which, who knows, maybe that is enough, but is that a real connection? I didn't see it in the movie.
Another thing, and this argument was first brought up by my sister, but it seems like some people, not you, but some, are filling in the blanks of the movie with their knowledge of the book. The movie should stand on it's own, and I'm not sure it does. But again, I liked the movie!!! It's just a very difficult task to do something so deep and layered when you're doing a story that covers 15 years. That's tough, and I think they did a great job, it's just again, I didn't feel the love. And as for Anne Hathaway, I just enjoyed seeing her morph into ugly. I guess it was the same way in which I enjoyed Gylenhaal's sideburns and porn stache.
Suck it, homie!!!
Pamie
nice rebuttal.
by the way, brokeback is a short story, and all of about fifteen pages.
i'll bring it to you next week if you want to read it. it really
shows how the movie got turned all long because the story's so short
and sparce.
as for how long they were up there before they did the deed, i think
we're supposed to assume a month or so went by. that's why there's so
much ranching before they get to loving.
but yeah, the rest of the movie with all the family stuff, wasn't
nearly as interesting. that's why i said it's twenty minutes of a good
movie around two hours of an important one. the rest of it is to make
people who wouldn't normally see a movie like this, see a movie like
this.
as for how did they love each other?
jack made ennis feel. period.
i think jack, at first, just had the hots for ennis, and knew that he
was getting more out of ennis than anybody else ever got. but jack was
just "gayer" than ennis, and that's what allowed it to happen in the
first place. like how jack goes and gets hookers in mexico, and
eventually moves on to another guy. because he's not fooling who he
really is, and at a certain point he couldn't wait for ennis any more,
even though he would have waited for him forever.
but what do i know. i'm just infusing my own love stories into there.
that's what we all do. it's not the book we're filling in. it's how
we relate to the story.
Irwin
Word to Pamie's last word. Thanks again!
Monday, January 02, 2006
Brokeback and Knife Fights
Before I go through my thoughts on the movie "Brokeback Mountain", I feel that it is important to note the conditions in which I saw it. It was a sold out showing at the Grove, and I was in the second row. I don't know how many of you have been in the first three rows at the Grove before, but it's a little bit like trying to analyze Pamela Anderson's body with your face in between her boobs - you're right in the middle of the action, but it's hard to get the whole picture.
Anyway, when the movie began there were two girls sitting in the row in front of me and slightly to the right. One of the girls thought the beginning of the movie was a good time to start making cell phone calls. No wonder the box office has been bad.
Well, luckily she wasn't just haphazardly calling people. She was telling her "friends" where she was sitting so they could come join her. So 10 minutes into the film a black guy and a white guy show up. The black guy sits directly in front of me and the white guy sits in front of the dude next to me, who I don't know.
Because these are the type of folks who make phone calls at movies, they start giggling at the first sex scene. Actually, it was a lot worse than giggling. These guys were probably around 19 or so and I'm guessing they would call Eminem a personal hero. They were being loud and obnoxious and extremely immature about the whole gay love thing, and I doubted they would get it if I tried to explain the irony of the whole situation to them.
Well, the guy next to me felt differently, and he leans over into the white guy's ear and says "Shut up!". The white guy turns around and says something to the effect of "fuck you!". now that i think about it, it was "fuck you!", and continued to be loud. so the guy next to me kicks the guy's seat really, really hard. the white guy turns around quickly and is pissed. He's like "your dead, your fucking dead". and then the black guy gets involved and goes "who kicked you? was it this faggot right here?" and he takes a big horrible swing that hits the guy next to me in his knee. black guys and white guys joining together to fight faggots, oh martin luther king, is this the mountain top you spoke of?
The black guy pulls out a small knife and starts opening and shutting it menacingly, while the white guy continues to mutter something about waiting for the guy after the movie to "kill him". And let me just remind at this point that we're in a freaking movie theater! i guess everyone else is ingoring this whole thing. Unfortunately, I couldn't. But I haven't even come to the most amazing part!
The movie continues, and these guys aren't even paying attention. They're just doing a lot of talking to their fat girlfriends. And then suddenly, just as they came, they walked out and never came back. Okay, this is incredible, people! I wanted to see the movie and it was painful forking over the $12.50. Yes, $12.50! If you hate gays and your 19 and are the type of person that gets into fights for no reason, how in the hell can you afford to throw away $12.50! That's fucking amazing to me. God, Americans really do have a lot of disposable income, even our losers are tossing away cash. Okay, on to the movie.
Obviously, for those of you who have seen the film, it's kinda slow. Well, imagine how slow it seems when there are fights breaking out around you. Slow stuff kinda pales in comparison to that. But I thought it was pretty good, definitely not great, and the acting was very good. I thought Jake and Heath both did a nice job, although Heath's imitation of Billy Bob in Sling Blade was slightly irritating to me. At one point, I swear he asked Jake if they could make "french fried potaters". But I wouldn't put one guy over the other performance-wise (no pun intended). I thought Anne Hathaway was particularly good, especially at morphing from hot cow girl to ugly older 1970's lady. And how about Anna Farris? If you need a talkative ditz in a movie going for Oscar, call Farris.
I always respect dramas like this that are done well because I don't know how to write it. I'm in the midst of writing this movie comedy right now, and every scene has to be funny. Not only does the scene have to be funny, it has to have a big funny ending too. But that's kinda the good news, cause if it is funny, then I know and everyone else knows that it is good. There is a measuring stick, and that measuring stick is funny. I can't write a scene where two guys mumble a couple of lines to each other while looking in the horizon and nothing happens. But that's drama. So I don't get how you measure the good. So much props to anyone who can do that effectively, it just seems weird to me. I could never say "all right, we'll have heath just sit there and sip a beer and not say anything and then have girls come over and automatically fall in love with him." That's gold!
Besides the slowness, I had one major, major problem with the movie. I don't get the love story. When did they fall in love? Why? Wasn't this more like a simple prison situation? You're stuck in a place with no ladies and the conditions are rough, you get tired of masturbating and stuff happens (i'm sure it wouldn't happen to me, but i've heard it happens to other people, particularly people in prison named "Twan")? Cause that's what it seemed like. And it seemed like the movie wasn't even about their "love story". It was more about bad marriages, and then every once in awhile these guys would get together and talk about it. I didn't get the love.
But overrall, pretty good, and maybe it would be even better minus all of the interracial knife fights.
Anyway, when the movie began there were two girls sitting in the row in front of me and slightly to the right. One of the girls thought the beginning of the movie was a good time to start making cell phone calls. No wonder the box office has been bad.
Well, luckily she wasn't just haphazardly calling people. She was telling her "friends" where she was sitting so they could come join her. So 10 minutes into the film a black guy and a white guy show up. The black guy sits directly in front of me and the white guy sits in front of the dude next to me, who I don't know.
Because these are the type of folks who make phone calls at movies, they start giggling at the first sex scene. Actually, it was a lot worse than giggling. These guys were probably around 19 or so and I'm guessing they would call Eminem a personal hero. They were being loud and obnoxious and extremely immature about the whole gay love thing, and I doubted they would get it if I tried to explain the irony of the whole situation to them.
Well, the guy next to me felt differently, and he leans over into the white guy's ear and says "Shut up!". The white guy turns around and says something to the effect of "fuck you!". now that i think about it, it was "fuck you!", and continued to be loud. so the guy next to me kicks the guy's seat really, really hard. the white guy turns around quickly and is pissed. He's like "your dead, your fucking dead". and then the black guy gets involved and goes "who kicked you? was it this faggot right here?" and he takes a big horrible swing that hits the guy next to me in his knee. black guys and white guys joining together to fight faggots, oh martin luther king, is this the mountain top you spoke of?
The black guy pulls out a small knife and starts opening and shutting it menacingly, while the white guy continues to mutter something about waiting for the guy after the movie to "kill him". And let me just remind at this point that we're in a freaking movie theater! i guess everyone else is ingoring this whole thing. Unfortunately, I couldn't. But I haven't even come to the most amazing part!
The movie continues, and these guys aren't even paying attention. They're just doing a lot of talking to their fat girlfriends. And then suddenly, just as they came, they walked out and never came back. Okay, this is incredible, people! I wanted to see the movie and it was painful forking over the $12.50. Yes, $12.50! If you hate gays and your 19 and are the type of person that gets into fights for no reason, how in the hell can you afford to throw away $12.50! That's fucking amazing to me. God, Americans really do have a lot of disposable income, even our losers are tossing away cash. Okay, on to the movie.
Obviously, for those of you who have seen the film, it's kinda slow. Well, imagine how slow it seems when there are fights breaking out around you. Slow stuff kinda pales in comparison to that. But I thought it was pretty good, definitely not great, and the acting was very good. I thought Jake and Heath both did a nice job, although Heath's imitation of Billy Bob in Sling Blade was slightly irritating to me. At one point, I swear he asked Jake if they could make "french fried potaters". But I wouldn't put one guy over the other performance-wise (no pun intended). I thought Anne Hathaway was particularly good, especially at morphing from hot cow girl to ugly older 1970's lady. And how about Anna Farris? If you need a talkative ditz in a movie going for Oscar, call Farris.
I always respect dramas like this that are done well because I don't know how to write it. I'm in the midst of writing this movie comedy right now, and every scene has to be funny. Not only does the scene have to be funny, it has to have a big funny ending too. But that's kinda the good news, cause if it is funny, then I know and everyone else knows that it is good. There is a measuring stick, and that measuring stick is funny. I can't write a scene where two guys mumble a couple of lines to each other while looking in the horizon and nothing happens. But that's drama. So I don't get how you measure the good. So much props to anyone who can do that effectively, it just seems weird to me. I could never say "all right, we'll have heath just sit there and sip a beer and not say anything and then have girls come over and automatically fall in love with him." That's gold!
Besides the slowness, I had one major, major problem with the movie. I don't get the love story. When did they fall in love? Why? Wasn't this more like a simple prison situation? You're stuck in a place with no ladies and the conditions are rough, you get tired of masturbating and stuff happens (i'm sure it wouldn't happen to me, but i've heard it happens to other people, particularly people in prison named "Twan")? Cause that's what it seemed like. And it seemed like the movie wasn't even about their "love story". It was more about bad marriages, and then every once in awhile these guys would get together and talk about it. I didn't get the love.
But overrall, pretty good, and maybe it would be even better minus all of the interracial knife fights.
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