Please Read This! It's Genius

It's genius cause I didn't write it. I think I've mentioned this before, but about six months ago, when I wasn't working 100 hours a week, I stumbled on a blog written by a screenwriter named Josh Friedman. I instantly fell in love with him because he was the first ever "other" screenwriter that I could truly identify with. The first thing I read of his was the story of how he wrote "War of the Worlds" and then they brought in another writer, the very "hot" for no reason David Koepp, to do some rewrites. And then the studio, along with Koepp, tried to give Koepp sole screenwriting credit. So Friedman filed for arbitration and unlike me, won. But it was a hilarious story because he was so disrespected by everyone and treated like shit even though he wrote the movie - so you see, I had a lot to identify with - except for the whole, movie actually making money and being sorta good thing.

Anyway, this guy is great. Unfortunately, a couple months ago he went to the hospital thinking he had food poisoning, and it turned out he had cancer. They performed surgery and removed it and he's okay now, but obviously his posts have been few and far between ever since. Well, I checked back with him tonight and he had written something new, and it is fucking awesome. So please, read this! It's genius.

The Biography of a Dick Joke

Ever since I started working on this show last May, I've been trying to get this one joke on the air. I've pitched it in some form many times, but it has never gotten on. And it's not the jokes fault, it's the bit around it - I've never found a rant or a sketch that was acceptable to then put the joke in to.

And the sad part is, it's not even that good of a joke, but for some reason I keep coming back to it. But it's a joke that is the standard joke that I tell, which is essentially the standard joke Norm McDonald tells, only mine are less clever. I remember pitching it the first time on the promos shoot. The network needed 15 second rants and I pitched it and Carlos went with my infamous "Huge Boobs" rant instead. Hey, I can't hate on huge boobs, that was legendary, but you know huge boobs could make it at anytime, the other one was a tougher sell. And so it didn't see the light of day.

And then at a meeting soon after, I pitched it as part of a field piece (where Carlos goes out on the street and talks to people). No dice. Then a couple months later, it was a part of a closing bit with doctored photos and such. Again, no go. And again this season, it was brought out in a sketch for our big Act Three number, didn't happen. So last night, near showtime, I (along with other writers) were asked to come up with 15 second rants for our big "celebrity guest" to say, I went to the well once again. And this time, my little joke's number got called.

The "celebrity guest" started in on it and stumbled a bit, and there was silence from the audience. And then he got to the punch line, and this dude delivered the fuck out of it. I loved that joke like a brother but the way this guy delivered it, he made it look like we were distant cousins. He may be 90 years old, but he's a pro. And the audience went nuts (it's funny they went nuts, cause that's what the joke is about), but I don't really know if that's because the joke is so good or because they went nuts for every single frigging joke last night (these beaners are really happy people when they're around other beaners). But fuck it, cause that little joke finally found the spotlight I've wished for it lo these many months.






Oh? So what's the joke? That's not really the point of the story, people. It's about perseverance and strength of spirit, not about a dick joke! God, you are so demanding. Well, I can't actually tell it because of my strict confidentiality agreement, but I will say that the last line of it goes something like this: "I get to watch good sports and still have my huge balls." Go on, young jokling, fly away and soar! soar!

"Crazy N---a" Lyrics

Here are the lyrics to "Crazy N---a". (WRITER'S NOTE: We did not record the first verse written here, and "Dee Dee Dee" is Carlos' catchphrase)

JAMIE FOXX

Grew up with money, but said he was in need/
Yeah he’s a whiny…bitch indeed/
Oh he’s a crazy nigga/
Way out of his mind/
That’s annoying me/

CARLOS

I'll admit I liked Gold Digga/ But Kanye West is a crazy nigga/

I'll admit I liked Gold Digga/ But Kanye West is a crazy nigga/

Calm down, Kanye, settle down/Calm down, Kanye, settle down/
Calm down, Kanye, settle down/Calm down, Kanye, settle down/

FIRST VERSE

Kanye’s insane/
Saw him at a gay pride parade/
With a sweater vest on/
That was picked out by his mom/
I said you’re kind of a dick/
You’re kind of an asshole/
You act like a prick/
Sometimes it’s cool to be bashful/
He said you shouldn’t talk shit cause I’m the messiah/
With a bunch of hits even though I’m nuts like Mariah/
Whitney, Jennifer Lopez, Joe Jackson’s kids/
R. Kelly’s not the only one who likes to pee on kids/
I said not the kids, but then I saw their friends/
Kanye pulled up in a Benz, they all got up in/
And that’s when I knew that this guy was a nut/
They should give him a Grammy award to stick up his butt/
You know why…/
Cause he’s a crazy negro/
Without white people he’d be nowhere bro/
He’s not God he’s a retard with an ego/
I don’t care what none of y’all say, this nigga’s loco/

(REPEAT CHORUS)

2ND VERSE

18 years, 18 years/
He grew up in the suburbs for 18 years/
But he says how much he struggled to the ghetto kids/
When his mommy and daddy's house is still bigger than his/
You'll see him on TV, any given weekday/
Lose some awards and be a big fucking pussay/
Parents set up a trust fund with his money/
He never was shot 9 times with his money/
He's lookin' like Theo Huxtable with his money/
He wants his name in the Bible cause he's dee dee dee/
If you think he's a punk, holla he's not Jesus/
HE'S NOT JESUS! Yeah...
So you better catch a clue/
Cause Bush has Condeleeza so he's more hood than you/
18 years, 18 years/
He’s more Mickey Mouse club than Britney Spears/

(REPEAT CHORUS)

THIRD VERSE

You say that white musicians shouldn’t sound like you/
Without white consumers a gold digger’d never fuck you/
So it’s obvious he’s a crazy nigga we can see/
He thinks that he’s God but he’s dee dee dee/
But while he’s talkin’, watch him/
He’s gonna split to South Africa too, son/
He’s got that crazy, baby, look in his eyes/
One week he’s dissing girls next week he’s fucking guys/
Okay, that might be a lie/
But shut the fuck up or kill your fans goodbye/
And he’s gonna keep cryin’ and cryin’/
But you stay right, girl/
Someday he’ll be broke and he’ll be back to the black girls/

My Music Video Premiere

A reminder that the music video that I wrote premieres tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central. It's on the second act of the show, about 8 minutes in. How about that for specific? I originally just wrote one verse, but then the powers that be wanted another just in case radio wanted to play it or people on Itunes wanted to download it and it would seem like a real song. But we ended up doing the video with both verses. I ended up writing three verses, and I'll post all of them here on Thursday, cause I know you'll be dying to memorize all the words. The video (and song) takes a pretty harsh shot at someone we all like, but who deserves to be hated. Although I'm not sure what they ended up bleeping for when they play it on the air, so some sting may be taken out. I think I'm hyping this way too much at this point, it's not that good, but fuck it, I wrote it, so unlike my shit of the past, I'm taking full responsibility for the good or for the suck. So please, give me your best shot.

Important Information for Dog "Lovers"

I heard this story on the news the other day about a missing dog in Queens, New York. I had actually heard the story before but tried to ignore it, but this time I couldn't. If you don't know it, here it is from ABC News (where I heard it):

MISSING DOG MYSTERY CONSUMES NEW YORK

March 23, 2006 — The mystery of Vivi, the prize-winning pooch who bolted from her crate after the Westminster dog show last month, has captivated New Yorkers.

Port Authority police, dog lovers, multiple psychics, and a pet detective from Oklahoma have all been drawn into the search for Vivi, whose full name is Champion Bohem C'est La Vie.

The dog's co-owner Jil Walton flew to New York from California after the increase in Vivi sightings of late, and has been walking about the woods trying to spread her scent. She's hopeful her $20,000 pampered show dog has been able to survive on her own for the last five weeks.

Although Walton, and her fiancé, Rick, have been tracking down every tip, not all the information has been helpful. One psychic told them Vivi was on a ship bound for France and wearing a hat. The psychic said not to worry, because the captain of the ship was fond of Vivi.

There is a $5,000 reward for Vivi's safe return. Walton is launching the biggest search yet for the thoroughbred dog this weekend.

Actually, this account of the story leaves out a couple of key facts that were included in the ABC TV version. First of all, the dog was "lossed" while it's owners were at the airport, and it ran away. That's not lost, assholes, that's escaped!

Secondly, it's been spotted several times in New York and the authorities were called, and it ran away from them too. What part of "I don't want to go back to that hell" do you people not understand? I'm not a pet detective, just a simple man who hates animals, yet I completely understand what this dog is doing, why don't you animal "lovers"? I'll tell you why, cause you are some selfish ass motherfuckers. Here's another newsflash for you: dogs don't like you as much as I don't like them. Know how I can tell? Cause at the first opportunity, they are running the fuck away! You shouldn't need a psychic to unlock that mystery.

And the best part about this story is that it happened to a dog "lover" who puts her dog in shows. This is the shit that drives me crazy. Oh really? I'm the pariah of society because I don't want to be around animals? I'm the jackass? How about the psychos that are dressing up their pets and making them juggle? Can y'all leave me the hell alone and focus on these people?

This is what people don't understand about me. I don't want to hurt animals, I just don't want to be around them. In fact, I don't want other people to be around them either. I want to be left alone, and I want animals to be left alone too. I'm the Abraham Lincoln of animals, bitches!

So lady, if you insist on treating your dog like a human, then understand his actions as human. He obviously hates you, and so do I.

Hey, Michelle Rodriguez...

STOP IT


Did anyone else cheer when on "Lost" tonight, she said: "no one likes me"?

Old People Are Dumb (and so is Bill O'Reilly)

When I was growing up I always assumed that as we get older, we get wiser. I assumed wrong. It's not that old people are dumb, or not "wise", it's that they don't seem to be all that bright. Okay, that's not entirely true. But what is true is that middle aged motherfuckers are so caught up in their nostalgia that they say a lot of stupid shit. They can't believe that anything new is as good as stuff in their day.

Okay, that probably made no sense. But let me put it more simply:

Eminem is the Beatles.

He's not your Beatles, old people, he's my Beatles. But he's still the Beatles. I know that it's weird and different and crazy and it couldn't possibly be as good as your thing was but guess what? You're wrong. Your pop culture is no better or worse than my pop culture. You had the Gabor sisters, we've got the Hiltons. So fuck off.

The thing that really pisses me off is that these old people grew up in the sixties, where their old people told them Elvis was evil and the Beatles were idiots because they had long hair. We're the same! You were us! What the hell happened? Why can't you understand this? After what you went through back in the day how can you possibly stand in judgement of what "kids" like today? You should be the most understanding older generation of all time, and yet, you are not.

Well, I've thought this before but it came up again when I read this "column" from good ole' Bill O'Reilly. Now I'm not saying that Bill O'Reilly is a good example of normal old people, but in this case, he kinda is. So old people, try to learn:

"And the winner is ... "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp!" The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences would like to inform the world that this is the best movie song of the year, and you best believe it.

Taking its place besides other best movie songs like "Raindrops Keep Fallin' on My Head," "Moon River," "A Whole New World," and "Fame," the pimp song, performed in the film "Hustle and Flow," is now enshrined forever in movie history."

I love the sarcasm, like it's so crazy that this song could even be in the same company as such classics as..."Moon River" (Moon River?) Do you know how old you sound? What would the sixties Bill O'Reilly say if he read this crap? Okay, that's a bad example. Sixties O'Reilly was probably just as big a douchebag as the current O'Reilly. But I'll say it again, Moon River? You had the Stones, man! And I guarantee you that Bill's parents hated "Fame". Dick.

"The basic theme of "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" seems to be that selling women for sex is a competitive industry with no health benefits or paid vacations. That is hard, indeed. Pimping isn't all it's cracked (no pun intended) up to be. The long hours and demanding clientele do take a toll.

As the show business community looked up to the Oscar stage last Sunday, they could not help but be impressed with the lyrics of the best song selection:

"Wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too
You pay the right price and they'll both do you,

That's the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin'

Gotta have my hustle tight makin' change off these women, yeah!"

Where have you gone, Henry Mancini?"

Since when do we analyze a song's lyrics and moral lesson to evaluate it's "goodness"? What the hell is "Blue Suede Shoes" about? Nothing. But it's damn catchy, and so is "Hard Out Here For a Pimp". So suck it.

And by the way, other Oscar winners for best song include "Chim Chim Cheree", "The Theme from Shaft", and "High Hopes", which includes the brilliant lyrics:

"Just what makes that little old ant
Think he'll move that rubber tree plant?
Anyone knows an ant, can't
Move a rubber tree plant."

Damn, Sinatra sang Dr. Seuss and they gave him a freakin' Oscar for it.

"Now, what are we unenlightened, non-show-biz people to think about the best movie song of the year? If you saw the rap group "Three 6 Mafia" perform their classic, you can decide for yourself. But, no question, the Academy voters were sticking it "to the man."

And who's the man? That's us, folks. The people who pay to watch movies. They are sticking it to us.

But why? All we do is enable many foolish people to become wealthy and famous. We buy magazines to read about them, we watch TV programs that kiss their posteriors, and some of us pay $10 to see their movies, which are often incomprehensible.

No serious person could think that awarding a song that describes the "pimp life" would play well in Tulsa, Okla. So whas up with that, as they say in the 'hood."

Okay, now we're getting to standard O'Reilly insanity. What exactly does Hollywood have to gain by "sticking it to the man"? Hollywood is about money, and the way they make money is by making shit that appeals to the broadest possible audience. The idea that they would try to insult that audience is not only ridiculous, but totally opposite to the whole idea of making money.

And to his last point, who knew that Tulsa was "Leave it to Beaver" land? I wonder if he considers the people who work at the FOX affiliate in Tulsa "serious people"? Because according to them, "gang membership in Tulsa is in the thousands and on the rise..." I'm guessing there's a few pimps in that bunch.

But this is why the Fox News dudes are winning the ratings battle, they spit out this kind of common sense sounding bullshit on a regular basis, and don't get bogged down in "facts". So it's not that they're lying, but they are.

"The pinhead apologists for a decaying music industry will trot out the same canard: the "Pimp" song simply reflects street life as it exists today. OK, fine. If you find that reflection worthwhile, well, that's why you live in America.

In Al Qaeda-dominated Northern Pakistan, "Three 6 Mafia" would find themselves beheaded. By the way, it's not easy being a terrorist, either. "

Umm, what? Holy shit, what does this mean? Is there an east coast/Al Qaeda coast rap feud I didn't know about. What does Al Qaeda have against Three 6 Mafia? I thought they hated America, not just an overly jubilant rap group. And I suppose the folks in Northern Pakistan would throw a tea party if Bill was up there, is that right? Who likes this guy?

The truth is that Hollywood doesn't really like the folks very much. They see us as marginal intellects who couldn't possibly understand the art on display in the pimp song. So they voted for an effort they knew would displease many Americans. This is called "arrogance."

Again. Hollywood likes fake tits and Bentleys way too much for them to insult the people who make it possible to buy more fake tits and Bentleys.

"It is hard to believe that any sane person could think "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp," is worthy of an artistic award. I know I "ain't knowin'," but I'll submit this thing probably was written in five minutes on bar napkin someplace."

This is exactly my point. This isn't for you, so accept it and move on. But you old people should understand that this is the nature of culture, your parents don't like what you like, and it's fine.

I just hope that when I get old I remember this. Because there is no doubt that there will be some new thing that I don't get that my kids love, and I'll yell and scream about how R. Kelly was so much better back in the day and blah blah blah, but hopefully, I'll know, that whatever that new "thing" is, it's the Eminem.

Is this the greatest day of my life or the worst?

Well, as mentioned, today is Irwin Handleman day at your local DVD store. That's right, not one, but two things I've (sort of) written come out today - "In the Mix" and "Mind of Mencia: Season One". Oh my God, I don't know whether to be to pat myself on the back or shoot myself in the front. Am I one of the causes of the deterioration of American society? I don't know, but one thing's for sure: I'm not helping.

Here's my sales pitch (even though I will see no money from the sale of either DVD - thank you Writer's Guild, may you burn in hell):

I don't know how many of my readership enjoy beaner comedy, but if you do, be sure to pick up the Mencia DVD. And as a special treat, I actually appear in some of the behind the scenes footage. And as far as shit I can actually stake a claim to writing, I'm proud of "Desperate Gardeners" and "The Sean Juan Collection", as well as one of my favorite jokes that I've ever written - which takes place as a stripper leads a dad off stage to give him a private dance in honor of Father's Day, and Carlos says "Sweetie, go show this dad the love your father never showed you". That's the best I got, people.

Now, I don't know how many of my readership enjoy poorly conceived comedy, but if you do, be sure to pick up the "In the Mix" DVD. I've covered the hows and whys of this debacle many times here, so I won't go through it again. But I will say, my bad. Well, not really my bad, but sort of my bad. And by the way, despite a drop to number 8 on IMDB's worst movies of all time list, "In the Mix" has climbed back up to number 2! The second worst movie of all time! And to think I was fighting for MORE credit on this movie! Hollywood fucks with your brain, man.

Dreams are a weird thing. If you would've told me I would have two DVDs coming out on the same day, one a TV show and the other a movie, both which featured my writing, I would've told you that I wouldn't have to achieve another thing ever again, that was enough. I'd be happy to retire to my home on Whore Island (you see, cause i'd want to be on whore island, cause that's where the whores live. and i, um, like whores). I could never have imagined it going this way. But that's the cool thing about life, there are lots of surprises. If things went the way you imagined what fun would that be? Okay, that would be fucking awesome cause I'd be living on a corner lot in Manhattan Beach fucking Jessica Alba right now. So it would be pretty fun, but this way is fun too, and very unexpected and it keeps me focused and driven and wanting more all the time, and maybe, just maybe, that struggle will prevent me from being involved in anything like "In the Mix" ever again. But it probably won't. Because I'm just a writer, the piss boy of the Hollywood world, and there's only so much I can do. In the end, crap will be made - with or without me, but I'd rather it be with me, and maybe I can make enough of the crap to get that whole Jessica Alba life I described earlier.

There's an event this week that I'm actually more proud of than those DVD's, and that is the one year anniversary of this blog. This was something, unlike "In the Mix" being the second worst movie of all time, that I could never have imagined or anticipated. I started doing it because I was unemployed and my friend Cheryl (who is my comedy writing idol) was writing a blog and it was amazing, and I thought it would be a good way to keep busy doing what I love: writing. To my surprise, it has become something. I don't know what that something is, but I know it is something.

Before I started writing here my mom used to always say "Irwin, you're not weird enough to be a writer". And now she thinks I'm too weird to be her son. Writing this has changed my life, which is kinda weird to say. First of all, now my mom does know I'm weird. Secondly, now a lot of people know me better than they ever really wanted to. And thirdly, I have an outlet for all of my insane thoughts, sad life stories, and angry diatribes, particularly those directed at the people on reality TV. Moanna, I'm looking at you.

It's funny what shit comes out of you when you force yourself to write stuff three times a week. And it's been hard. I feel pressure. I don't want to suck. I want to be funny. I want to be prolific. I don't want to let you down. And believe me, even though I have about 3 readers, it weighs on my head constantly. What am I going to write about next? Am I done? Should I pack it in? What if I have nothing to say? Am I saying the same shit over and over again? How many R. Kelly jokes can I tell? People are starting to believe I really only like asian chicks, maybe I should write a disclaimer!

But despite that going in my brain all the time, it's rewarding. I love the feedback - good and bad. It's been really interesting to see what pushes people's buttons (My Humps, apparently), and what people are fans of (Trapped in the Closet Part 13, according to google). It's awesome, and I hope I can keep it up for another year. And hopefully this next year, I'll make my mom cry less.

Since judging by the DVD's that are coming out today I won't be making any award acceptance speeches anytime soon, I want to give a thanks to my hardcore fans who keep me going on this thing: moms, pops, L-Dawg, K-Dawg, J, and little J, Dal and T, T-Roc, Mita, oh, let's be honest, all of the lovely ladies at Taco Bell, keep doing what you do, ladies: making America fatter. Who else? My buddy Mat, who is responsible for most of my career, Carlos Mencia, who is not only the hardest working man in show business, but also a truly good guy, and of course a special mention to Pamie, who is the reason more people read this than just the people I've just thanked. Much love. I apologize, but the only way I can attempt to repay the debt is by helping you bag on minorities and fat people. I hope that's enough!

okay, this is getting to be like my high school yearbook. Now let's get back to our regularly scheduled programming: making fun of Ashley Angel...

Overheard at the Supermarket...

I was in line at Vons and heard the Checker say this to a coworker:

CHECKER
I saw "She's the Man" last night.

COWORKER
How was it?

CHECKER
It was so good. After it was over I was bummed, it was like, back to reality.

There you go. Don't blame Hollywood for making crap, cause people who work at Vons love that shit (and a lot of other people do too).

It made me laugh because it reminded me of a famous quote that I heard once. I was watching football one Sunday and it was getting near the end of the game and they started doing some promos, and Dick Enberg unleashed this gem:

DICK ENBERG
Right after this game is over, stay tuned to CBS for the broadcast premiere of "Sister Act 2" starring Whoopi Goldberg.
(to Broadcast partner, and world)
Well, if Whoopi Goldberg is in it, it's good.

He said that without a single trace of irony, and I know Dick truly meant it from his heart. And everytime I think about it, it makes me giggle.

The Song Killers

I hate it when this happens: I'm listening to the radio, a song comes on that I've never heard before, the beat is good, the singing/rapping is good...oh happy day, there's a new good song for me to enjoy, but then...a rapper/singer comes on and completely fucks it up. These are the song killers. They take good songs and and turn them into bad songs. It's so disappointing. It's like when someone takes a great idea and makes a bad movie about it, or when you see a good looking girl in a bar and then she starts dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld. It's a perfectly good thing permanently destroyed by one bad part. And not matter how much you wish it could still be good, you have to face the fact it never will be because that thing has ruined it forever.

I don't want to be presumptious in my youth, but I think this is a recent phenomenon. Or more accurately, it is a rap phenomenon. You see, now it's commonplace for everyone to have "guests" on almost every song they do, thus more chance for a song killer. Also, it seems that rap lends itself to song killling. There aren't that many singers with voices that can completely kill a song, but there are a lot of rappers. But I do suppose that if you hated Bob Dylan, he could kill a song for you because his voice is so distinctive and possibly annoying (again, if you don't like him).

So who are the song killers? Well, I'm sure you have your own. But the reason I'm writing this right now is because of a new song by E-40, one of the original song killers. This fucking guy just won't go away. He's from my hometown, the "Yay-Area", and has been killing songs since I was in high school. I swear, he never has a hit and yet somehow keeps making albums. I don't get it. Every song he is on, he fucks over. Why does he suck so bad? First, he raps in a style that is fast yet talky. He's not doing it with any rhythm, he's just talking really fast. Secondly, he thinks he is the author of ebonics. He prides himself on making up new slang (he's to blame for "hyphie", among many other words). Nothing he does has anything to do with music, and he needs to stay away from good beats.

But E-40 isn't the worst, number one on my list is Twista. He's this guy who raps really fast and is absolutely horrible and should not be allowed near a recording studio. To my display, he and R. Kelly struck up a friendship recently and ruined a couple of my beloved R.'s songs.

Another one is Busta Rhymes. He has made some good songs, but for the most part if I hear Busta Rhymes on a song, I turn the station. He also has screwed me over by signing with Dr. Dre's Aftermath label, and thereby wasting Dre's prescious time with his terrible rapping skills. Of course, Petey Pablo is on the list. And speaking of Petey, How about Mystikal? Yes, I know he had a couple good songs. But the Neptunes produced those, and just think how much better they would've been if someone else had rapped on them. Just leave that fool on the chorus and let someone else do the verses.

Okay, this next one is controversial. But still, Ludicrus fucks up a lot of songs. He raps like a white guy! I would not be surprised at all if he was the 4th member of the Beastie Boys. I could write his rhymes. I admit that he's had a few good songs, but he's ruined a lot more than that.

How about a singer? All right, Macy Gray. Just stop it. Oh, she already has, that was a fun 7 month career. Oh, and here's another one: Sean Paul. Come on, people, Sean Paul sucks.

I have no ending for this, but feel free to add your own or yell at me about how I'm an idiot - but before you go on about how great Ludacris is, let me just tell you, you're wrong.

There and Back Recap

I correctly predicted the horribleness of the MTV show "There and Back" here, though admittedly it didn't take a genius to see that one coming. For those of you who don't know, this is the show that followed ex boy band member Ashley Parker Angel and his attempt to comeback (although he never was there, so I don't really know how he could comeback). His girlfriend was pregnant and he lived with her and her mom, and during the show they had the kid (which they named Lyric, which makes me want to hurry up and have a kid so he can kick Lyric's ass everyday in school).

Anyway, it's been a fantastically horrific show. I hate this guy. I hate everything about him. And yet, I have to watch it. He's such a fucking tool that I openly root for his downfall every week. And I am a person who likes good things to happen to people on TV. Like when I watch Blind Date, I want it to be a good date. I get uncomfortable when it's a bad date and they hate each other. And yet I want this guy's life to be a fucking car accident cause I'm sorry, but he deserves it. Did I mention he named his kid Lyric?!

The finale begins with Ashley and his label trying to pick his first single. A hilarious dialogue follows with Ashley and his girlfriend about how the two choices for the single are both so "great", that either would be an amazing choice. Dude, don't you know you're Ashley Angel?

What's weird is when he goes to the label, it's all black dudes. And the label is called "Blackground". What the fuck? I thought the brothas knew about music. Apparently, not all brothas. They settle on one of the songs, but honestly, I can't tell the difference. Why are people trying to help this guy? Well, I guess there's always a chance. And I feel like we're in such a weird place in pop culture where we all are collectively over this "pop" thing, and yet somehow Kelly Clarkson has a career. Can someone muzzle all the 13 year old girls please?

Ashley has to do press for his album for 4 hours. His selfish beyotch of a girlfriend gets mad because he's not there to have lunch with her and Lyric. Honey, he's gonna have plenty of time to have lunch with Lyric when he's working at a Hollywood production company and in charge of sucking Kevin Spacey's dick.

A fake scene happens where Ashley's manager comes and talks to Ashley about the need to do more press. Dude, that's not good managing. The less the Ashley the better.

Ashley goes to a radio station in San Diego that I listen to and talks to the program director. He plays a song for him and the guy pretends to like it. Then Ashley busts out his guitar and plays for the guy. Is this normal? Do musicians go to individual radio stations and just play for them. It's so uncomfortable. It's like when a guy plays guitar and sings for a girl and she's just left there to sit and listen and it's really awkward. Except for in this case it's two white dudes and one of them sucks.

Another radio station, more awkwardness. Another guy pretends to like it. 2 radio stations down, 700 more to go, right? "Ash" and his girlfriend go out to dinner, of course, their baby is nowhere in sight. This has become a comic element to the show where he and the girlfriend are never taking care of the baby. It's crazy! They just had the kid, and they spend no time with him. I invented a drinking game with this show where you drink everytime the mother in law is holding or feeding the baby. You will be drunk in two minutes.

Ashley and his girl get in a fight because he has to go on the road for 6 weeks to promote the album and she can't come. I guess the record label won't pay for her and the kid. She flips out and leaves. Again bitch, what the hell? You know you have sex with Ashley Angel, right? This is the best case scenario for you right now. Pray that this motherfucker makes it and then divorce him and take all his money. That's the best you can do. The worst is the aforementioned Kevin Spacey option.

"The Matrix" throws a party for Ashley for finishing the album (The Matrix is actually a legitimate producer of music, see Avril Lavigne's career). Ashley and the girlfriend have a talk, and Ashley says he's worked out something where she and Lyric can come out on the road a couple of times. Look what you just talked yourself into, dumbass, more time with Ashley.

Did I mention Lyric was not at this party, and has not been seen at all in this episode? Cool (and in one scene where they're at home, his girlfriend is holding their cat!)

Oh God, a colliding of the douchebags! Seacrest talks about Ashley and plays his song. Ashley starts yelling in traffic about how his song is on the radio. He looks like a cross between Martin Lawrence and a guy I despise.

So the show ends on an "up" note, like it's a happy ending. But wait, this show was taped awhile ago and I've never heard his shit on the radio. Nor have I heard about his album ore him being on tour or anything, so I think it's all made up. And also, he's in a Mercedes. Again, what the fuck? He supposedly has no money, so how did that happen. I don't get it. I don't get the whole thing. God...I can't wait for next season.

I hate myself.

Is "Mexican" A Slur?

So, for some reason when I leave my little cave here and venture out into the world I tend not to talk to people. It could be my poor eating habits that leave me in this foul mood, or it could be that I'm just an asshole, but that's the way I am. However, there are rare times when I'm doing my standup routine everywhere I go. I haven't figured out what's up with that yet. It's like some kind of Dr. Jekyl and Shecky Handleman routine.

Anyway, I got my haircut the other day. Now I'd say that for 90 percent of the haircuts I've had in my life, I have said little more than "Shave an X in the back". I tend not to say anything while the cutting is happening, there are only so many things I have to say about the weather. But for the other 10 percent of haircuts in my life, I go in and I'm doing crowd work. It's bizarre.

So I'm getting my haircut and the woman doing the cutting is a "latina". And on this day, I'm in Shecky mode.

I was about to ask her if she was "Mexican" when I stopped myself. Is asking her if she's Mexican rude? Will she be offended by this? Why? It's just a country. But I think she would be. Yet if I met someone and they said the word "ey" I wouldn't hesitate to ask if they are Canadian. It's a weird thing. There is a bad connotation with "Mexican" I think and maybe people from the latin countries wouldn't appreciate being associated with that (I'm guessing here). Maybe it's akin to a black guy asking me (and by asking he's assuming) if I like country music. Maybe Mexican's are the mullet people of the hispanic world.

So then I was about to ask her if she watches "Mind of Mencia", but then I thought, is that racist? What, just cause she's hispanic she has to watch hispanic shows? That's not cool. That's a stereotype. Although sometimes stereotypes are true. I mean, I'm half-jewish and I like half of Woody Allen's movies. So I was in quite the racial quandary, and in those types of situations it's best to just shut the hell up.

More conversation is had. Finally, she brings up my work and I mention what I do and the show I work on. She's never heard of it, or Carlos. But she is a fan of Paul Rodriguez. See! Stereotypes rock!

Upon further questioning however, it turns out that the reason she has never heard of the show is that she doesn't have cable television. So there you go, no cable television...she is Mexican.




(I swear I have permission from real Mexicans to tell that joke)

Excuses

I'm sorry, people. I'm tapped this week. I've worked 'till at least 11 every single night spinning comedy gold and I've got nothing left. And the worst part about it is that I can't complain because our host has worked MORE hours than me and done it with a thousand times more energy. Where did this guy come from? I need to sleep, he needs to work more. It's truly amazing, and now I'm tired. This is how long this week was: Pamie thought it was Friday on TUESDAY. She went to turn her timecard in and then remembered that we still had three more days to go. That's fucked up.

But what can I say? I made a pledge, long ago, a pledge to entertain the masses and I must uphold that solemn vow. We taped our first show of the second season last night and it went well. We shot the music video I wrote on Monday (or was it Tuesday?), and now we have to edit and make it all pretty for you and hopefully it will be in the show we tape next week. Again, I know you all are waiting breathlessly in anticipation for it so I'll let you know when it's on.

So anyway, I'm just saying I have nothing to say, but I'm recharging the batteries this weekend and hopefully busting out with some Britney pregnant jokes, maybe throw in a little K-Fed, maybe an American Idol rant, some more thoughts about my hatred of animals and my love Asians, who knows, but it will be just like old times, I promise.

Oh, one more thing. Coincidences trip me out. And I think I'm going have to write a big thing in a couple weeks because three great events are happening in the world of Handleman on the same day. They are: the DVD release of "In the Mix", the DVD release of "Mind of Mencia: Season 1 (which I am in), and the one year anniversary of this blog. Come on, that's pretty freaky. I don't know if that will be the high point of my career or the lowpoint, but it's likely one of the two or somewhere in between...is it Saturday yet?

How Am I Not A Millionaire?

Two of the worst movies of all time are coming to a theater near you very soon and they're both driving me fucking crazy. The first one you've probably heard about, the second one you soon will.

Worst movie of all time #1: "Shaggy Dog"

Okay, we all know that I hate dogs, but this honestly has nothing to do with it. Have you seen the poster for this movie? It’s a dog that has Tim Allen’s eyes. And it has the greatest tag line ever: “Raise the Woof”. You heard me. That’s not a joke, raise the woof. And how do you pronounce woof? Like roof, or like normal woof. Cause when you say it out loud it doesn't really work.

I don’t know, but to prove that this isn’t an insane joke, see for yourself. This isn’t a family film, it’s a God Damn horror movie. Or at least a creepy movie. And creepy scares kids!

Second of all, this movie happens to be directed by one of the worst directors of all time (at least of those not named Ron Underwood). His name is Brian Robbins, and though you may have loved him as the “cool” kid on “Head of the Class”, I guarantee you hate his directorial work. Check it out: “Good Burger”, “Varsity Blues”, “Ready to Rumble”, and “Hard Ball”. Hey douchebag, stop doing sports movies. I like sports, so stop fucking with my shit.

Kristen Davis was on Jay Leno last night promoting the movie, and she plays Tim Allen’s wife in the unfortunate plot. They showed a clip and it was her in a restaurant, alone, on her anniversary, sad that Tim Allen isn’t showing up. And then she looks outside and it’s raining and the dog, who is Tim Allen, is holding flowers in it’s mouth. There's no joke I could possibly write that would top that, so I'll move on.

(written with contributions from T-Roc)

Worst movie of all time #2: “Little Man”

Okay, this one pisses me off even more than the first because it involves the Wayans brothers. I beg you to please watch this before reading further.

How do these motherfuckers get to keep making movies? It’s not even about how much they suck, it’s the way in which they suck. Their movies do not operate in the real world. They are in some crazy world that is totally made up by them, so the jokes are craziness on top of craziness. And not the funny kind of craziness.

Like “White Girls”, okay, what crazy fucking world is it where people believe that Marlon and Shawn Wayans are white girls? Last time I checked, 6 foot 2 black guys in blond wigs looked like 6 foot 2 black guys in blonde wigs. It’s ridiculous. So the whole premise of the movie is total bullshit.

And now they bring us “Little Man”. Again, same problem. The premise is total bullshit. Do midgets look like little kids? No. So what the fuck is this? It operates in a world that's completely false, so how can there be comedy or anything else in that world? Comedy comes from familiar things, that's why Seinfeld has $500 million dollars, so what's familiar about a 4 year olds body with Marlon Wayans head CGI'd on it?

You probably all remember a time in your life when you adopted a kid and he turned out to be a 30 year old criminal. I can't tell you how many times that's happened to me. And Angelina's gonna be so pissed when she realizes that Maddox is actually Mr. T.

How do these scripts get through? Who gives these movies the green light? I don't know, but if my agent ever called me back, I'd definitely have her setup a meeting. And then I'd be rich, because I have a script that features Eddie Murphy turning
into a Shetland Pony, it's awesome.

Oh, wait, I think he's already doing that movie...

The Year of the Bad Call

I am so glad 2005 is over. It was a rough one. Especially for a guy like me who enjoys logic and justice and proper cause and effect. If my life were an action movie, I'd be the hero and 2005 would be my arch-villain. It was just an incredible year long hell of injustice and unfairness. Look at the facts:

-A Tsunami kills hundreds of thousands of innocent people.

-The Angels lose a playoff game to the White Sox thanks to a dropped third strike call. Unheard of, and one of the worst calls I've ever seen (up to that point).

-Hurricane Katrina needlessly kills at least a thousand people on the gulf coast.

-The Steelers get screwed on THE worst call I've ever seen in my life against the Colts. Thankfully, they still win.

-"In the Mix" grosses 2 million dollars on Thanksgiving weekend.

-Meanwhile, another Lions Gate movie featuring black people but with no Usher, "Diary of a Mad Black Woman", grosses 25 million in it's opening weekend in February.

-The Rose Bowl between USC and Texas is the worst officiated football game I've seen in my entire life (up to that point), and Texas wins despite getting 10 points on obvious blown calls, one of which isn't even reviewed by the refs because the video equipment temporarily breaks.

-The Super Bowl becomes the worst officiated game I've ever seen, and the Seahawks get completely screwed and lose the game (while simultaneously losing my almost miracle bet on them to win the SB before the season started).

-"Crash" wins the Oscar for Best Picture.

Look, I liked "Crash". It's a very solid little movie. But it's a "little" movie! Personally, I thought "Munich" was a lot better, and a "bigger" film. And I don't mean bigger as in budget or in importance of subject matter, I mean when you go into the theater and you watch the movie and you go "holy shit, this is a movie". I wouldn't have thought anything of Crash had I seen it on FX. But Munich, I'd be like, wait, what the fuck is this movie. And same goes for Brokeback. At least give it to Brokeback. And dare I say that 40 Year Old Virgin seems more deserving. I just don't get it.

Other Oscar thoughts:

Well, I basically missed the whole thing because of a travel snafu that saw me sitting in the lovely Oakland Airport for 2 hours (where, incidentally, the wifi doesn't work). So I got home just in time to see Reese win.

First of all, from what I could tell from the credits and from looking on the internet, everyone kinda looked hot. Salma, hot, Reese, hot, Kidman, surprisingly hot, alba, cannot not be hot, J. Lo, sorry ladies, but she looked hot! Don't hate, just admit it. And how about the boobs on Garner? Babies are cute, and they're also good for boobs (and sometimes bad).

I had all of these Ryan Phillippe jokes ready, but then when he started jumping around when "Crash" won I remembered that he was actually in it. Weird.

(and shut up, i know not everything i talked about didn't happen in 2005 but it's close enough, dorks)

Told ya so...

Check this out:


Are The Bachelor Travis Stork And Sarah Stone Still Together?

When no one was supposed to see them together, people kept spotting Travis Stork and Sarah Stone together all over Nashville. Now that they are officially supposed to be together, no one is spotting them together. Travis Stork and Sarah Stone look to have joined the long list of reality TV couples who couldn’t make it without the TV cameras rolling.

While in Paris, Sarah Stone said around ten million times how perfect her and Travis were together and how much she couldn’t wait to get back to Nashville with him (ok, so maybe it wasn’t really ten million times, but it sure seemed like it). On Wednesday, The Tennessean reported on a possible gag order from ABC on Travis Stork and Sarah Stone. However, ABC denied the gag order and said publicity and management had been turned over to the show’s producers.

On Thursday, the Tennessean ran the headline “Sarah is reportedly dating Drew Bennett’s roommate Matt.” Drew Bennett is a receiver for the Tennessee Titans. The Tennessean reports on Drew’s roommate Matt Lauderdale and Sarah Stone being spotted together at numerous places around Nashville. The two have apparently done everything from attending a private post-Kid Rock concert party to taking a 7A.M. spin class together at the YMCA. For the record, Matt Lauderdale claims that he and Sarah are just friends.

So what is the verdict on Travis Stork and Sarah Stone? After months of not being able to spend time together in public, it’s definitely not a good sign that they aren’t spending time together publicly now that they are able to. So did Travis only think of Sarah as a friend all along? Or did Sarah break Travis’ heart by finding a new man?

First of all, it's crazy because I grew up with Drew Bennett (but not his roommate). Second of all, what a douchebag. I bet he's scrambling to find Moana's number, stat!

Thoughts for the Weekend: Tina Fey vs. Aaron Sorkin

There's been a sitcom idea floating around Hollywood for the last twenty years that I've always wanted to happen. It is quite simple: a show about the behind the scenes goings on of a Saturday Night Live type of show. I've been fascinated with this concept ever since I arrived here in LA in 1999, when I read a script of it that was looking like it was going to get on the air with Sarah Gilbert attached (Sarah Gilbert was respectable in 1999).

Needless to say, it never happened. And it hasn't happened since. But now it's definitely going to happen. Why? Because there are not one but two versions of this idea in development right now. And both of them are with NBC. One of them is written by Aaron Sorkin and is a one hour, and the other is by none other than SNL's own Tina Fey.

This breaks my heart because I've always wanted this to happen and now two versions are here, and I assume only one can succeed, and yet I want both of them! I think Aaron Sorkin is a genius. I pretty much love every single thing he has done, even stuff Demi Moore has tried to ruin.

As for Tina Fey, I'm not so much in love with her. In fact, I think she's a little overrated. However, I have read her pilot script and it is awesome. Here's a tale of the tape in case you don't know about these shows:

Tina Fey's:
Attached to star: Alec Baldwin, Tracy Morgan, and Rachel Dratch

Okay, I hate Tracy Morgan, but I love Alec Baldwin.

Aaron Sorkin's:
Attached to star: Matthew Perry, D.L. Hughley, Amanda Peete

Love Matthew Perry and Amanda Peete, don't like D.L. Holy shit, maybe I hate black guys! No, R. Kelly's still black, right? Good.

I'm sorry, American public, you're just going to have to deal with two shows on NBC about the same thing because they're both fricking good. Fuck it, if there can be two Apprentices, a Dancing with the Stars and a Skating with Celebrities, a Wife Swap and a Trading Spouses, a Soup and a Best Week Ever, a Project Runway and every other reality show, then there can be two of these, right?

On to other topics:

I'm man enough to admit that I've always had a heterosexual crush on Nick Lachey. This dude better get paid or else I'm gonna get pissed. He deserves his half. Look at the shit he had to put up with, people! Any man that was related to Ashlee Simpson for any amount of time deserves cash. And some of us don't remember this, but before the MTV show Newlyweds, Jessica was destined to become the next Willa Ford. Who is Willa Ford, you ask? Exactly. This is a fact. That show turned her into this unfortunate thing we have to deal with now, and it wasn't just because of her. It was because of her and Nick. If Juanita Jordan was going to get half from Michael, Nick deserves at least half, if not more.

I don't want to talk about politics here, but I'm going to this one time. I'm not a crazy Hollywood lefty liberal by any means, I actually believe in many things the Republicans used to care about. And I'm not going to hate on Bush, but can the motherfucker fire someone! I mean, one person. Can one person get fired? Is this possible? You mean there hasn't been one screwup? Not one? I'd be so much less pissed if just one person could get fired. Rumsfeld? Can Cheney at least shoot Rumsfeld in the face? And have you noticed a pattern here: "we had no idea the levees could possibly break." "we had no idea planes could used as weapons." Fuck you. Watch an episode of the West Wing. Of course it was a possibility that the levees would break. That's all I heard about leading up to the Hurricane, about how it was so dangerous because New Orleans is below sea level and the levees could break and it would go into the ocean and no more girls showing boobs for beads or some such. They need CNN in the White House. Or at least a Girls Gone Wild Video.

And by the way, the media does not have a liberal bias. You know why? Because they're so scared of their liberal bias that they don't have a liberal bias. Why aren't these lies worse than lying about blow jobs? Why? Why do we have to hear about blow jobs for two years but lying about not knowing stuff goes by in a news cycle? I'll tell you why. Karl Fucking Rove. This guy makes shooting people in the face look like a fraternity prank. I admire the guy, while also hating his guts. Kinda like Nick Lachey.

Ok, maybe I'm not black

I think this is going to be the last in my “black-centric” talking points for awhile. I’ve been talking a lot about it lately for some reason, but it’s just a coincidence (kinda like my inexplicable gay run last summer). But anyway, I got a few responses to stuff I wrote about “Grillz” that really put me in my place and reminded me that I am, indeed, white. Check these out (I swear they are real, I couldn't make this shit up):

Dear Irwin,

i actually think dis song hot ya'll niggaz just don't know ur muzic but n-e wayz you need to talk i bet you can't rap for nuttin n-e ways but listen
i have grillz my self and thy're mad sick i think it's cuz you can't afford one

First of all, props to me for being referred to as a “nigga”. But “n-e wayz”, not only can I not convincingly talk in black slang, but I can’t convincingly write in black slang. Holy shit, this guy should teach a course. First lesson, punctuation is for bitch ass niggaz.

Well, I most definitely can’t rap, but I don’t think that has anything to do with my argument that “grillz” are stupid.

Here's another:

Dear Irwin,

Sheeyit, niggaz be brownnozin deez hoez, splurgin fo da grillz, when da grillz is illz for lickin dem dillz, ya heard?!?

I have no idea what this means. If the first guy has his masters, this dude has his PHD. But you know what’s crazy about this one? I think he agrees with me! Yeah, niggaz do be brown nosing those hos! I hate that. Stop brown nosing all the hos, niggaz. And he seems to be bring up another thing that sucks about “grillz”. It makes it very hard for the ladies to lick “the dillz”. Believe me, if a girl is going to lick my “dillz” I don’t want anything getting in the way. Especially a grill.

This whole thing reminded me of a story that actually happened so here goes:

I hate karaoke. It sucks. I hate going to Karaoke bars, I hate hearing crappy singers sing, I hate when the crappy singers want me to sing, and I hate American Idol. But I like girls. And sometimes girls like karaoke. So sometimes I have to go to karaoke to get laid.

So one time I went to karaoke with a group of 5 girls. And this is a testament to how bad karaoke sucks, I was ready to leave 5 girls behind because I couldn’t take it anymore. But suddenly, I heard my name called. Yeah, that’s right. The girls had put my name in.

Normally, I would’ve gotten the fuck out. But I felt like my manhood was being questioned, and also, a blow job was still in the offing, and in my foolish youth I was willing to sing for it.

So I go up to the guy running the karaoke, who happens to be a large black gentleman. Now keep in mind here, I didn’t choose the song, the girls did. So I had no idea what song was going to pop up for me to sing.

I had a beer or two in me so I wasn’t that nervous as I was handed the microphone. And then the beat kicked in.

It was Jay Z’s “Can I Get A…” (the ladies knew I loved the black man music). Which, if you don’t know, contains the word “nigga” about 50 THOUSAND times. And did I mention that there was a huge black guy standing next to me?

But I didn’t panic because obviously this was karaoke and they wouldn’t have the uncensored version of the song. The words started to come up:

Can I hit it in the mornin’/
Without giving you half of my dough/
And even worse if I was broke would you want me/
If I couldn’t get you finer things/
Like all of them diamond rings bitches kill for/
Would you still roll/

I’m feeling good at this point, and maybe I can rap a little bit. But hearing the sound of my voice out of the microphone does make me want to kill myself, but a blow job is still very much in play.

If we couldn't see the sun risin off the shore of Thailand
would you ride then, if I wasn't droppin1q?
If I wasn't ah, eight figure NIGGA by the name of Jigga

I saw the word on the screen before I got to it. I swear that mid-rap, I turned and looked at the large black gentleman. Then I got to it and just kind of mumbled something beginning with the letter N.

would you come around me or would you clown me?
If I couldn't flow futuristic would ya
put your two lips on my wood and kiss it - could ya
see yourself with a NIGGA workin harder than 9 to 5
contend with six, two jobs to survive/

What the hell? How can they do that? I was fucked for the rest of the song. I was totally taken out of my flow. Everytime I got to the word after that, I just paused and waited for the next word. It was horrible. The performance was so bad that blow job dreams were dashed. Fucking Jay Z. Fucking real black guys. Fucking karaoke. And that's when I had to admit that okay, "maybe I'm not black".