So I guess I’m officially old now. 30. Well, it’s not old old, but it’s old to everyone who is younger than 30. When I was growing up, I don’t think I ever thought I would be 30. And if I was that age, I thought I’d be a lot more married. And rich. And in a house. When my dad was my age, he had a house, a wife, and three kids. I have a skateboard. And no, I don’t think 30 is the new 20, I just think I’m emotionally distant and went to college for 6 and a half years.
Anyway, I don’t know how I feel about it all. Truthfully, I think about how I’m getting older everyday, so tomorrow is going to be like every other day. It’s weird. Especially cause I’ve always been the young guy. And cause I act like a young guy. The good news is that I don’t think I would have things too much differently at this point. Maybe I would’ve been a little more bold as far as the ladies are concerned. But I’m doing what I want to do and am pretty happy. I think the only thing I’m bummed about is that people in their ‘20’s are now going to look at me with that sad, sympathetic look. Like the way people look at the guy at the end of a big budget action movie, when everyone knows that I’m the guy who must die so everyone else can live. Fuck you, 20 something year olds! Screw planet Earth, I want to live too!
Okay, I've composed myself.
I don’t have anything else to say about it, at least anything that’s funny. But herewith are some of the moments in TV/Movie/Music/Pop Culture which have shaped me in the last 30 years:
At a swim meet I see my first Playboy ever – featuring a young and hairy Madonna. She looked like she had Don King in a head lock. I am both repulsed and sexually excited at the same time.
Eddie Murphy. “Delirious”. Basically, the entire reason I do comedy (that, and the critical acclaim I receive for writing movies such as “In the Mix”). Unfortunately, this happens:
Dr. Dolittle, Daddy Day Care, and Pluto Nash. I’ve had a pretty good track record with my idols. The guys I liked early on stayed awesome – Tony Gwynn, Magic Johnson, 2pac, R. Kelly…actually, now that I look at it, my idols stay great but tend to fuck everything that moves with no regard for personal safety or the law (except for my beloved Tony). Weird. And I guess same goes for Eddie, but when he got involved with that transsexual hooker that’s when he started to suck. Wait, I’m still tripping out over this crazy sex thing. Why are all my idols sexual deviants? Why are sexual deviants so damn talented? Maybe I should be a little more sexually deviant to up my talent for comedy. Actually, fuck that, I can’t pee when there are people around.
The legacy of me falling in love with 2nd banana guest stars on TV shows officially kicks off during the “Dine and Dash” episode of Silver Spoons, where “The Ricker” likes a “bad” girl. I have no idea who the hell that girl was, but she was blonde and bad in just the right way, and she still has a place in my heart. She was the predecessor of…
The famous “Hand on Boob” girl from the Wonder Years. I instantaneously fall in love with her, and dream of one day making her my lady, until…10 years later, when I get my chance, and she introduces herself by infamously snorting lines from her clown bag of cocaine.
Alex P. Keaton races to the train station to stop Ellen from marrying her fiancé. It is, in my opinion, the best half hour of television (actually, hour - it was a two parter) the ‘80’s ever witnessed, and it also gave me a false sense of idealistic romance that haunts me to this day (and of course “Family Ties” was the inspiration of my name, Irwin “Skippy” Handleman).
In 1986, basketball phenom Len Bias dies right after being picked in the first round of the NBA draft by the Boston Celtics. From all reports, he was a great guy who hadn’t done drugs before (at least that’s what I believed at the time). And then one snort of cocaine and it was all over. I immediately have this conversation in my 10 year old brain: “One snort? That’s all it took? I’m never doing drugs.” I stick to this - I’d like to say it’s because I’m a really good person, but mostly it’s because I have a mild case of OCD that does not allow me to do anything outside of my preset patterns. So it’s not just that I’ve never done drugs, I’ve never had soup, coffee, tea, seafood, asian food, Indian food, milk, cheese on pizza, and countless other things. And I don’t think Len Bias died of a milk overdose. It’s the OCD.
At some point in the late ‘80’s, Malcolm X becomes “cool” and I famously shave an X in the back of my head. Then I buy a Bell Biv Devoe album. I’ve been black ever since.
Can’t Buy Me Love. I mean, there are so many things in this movie that have stayed with me through life it’s hard to properly go through all of them. First of all, it’s yet another example of “movie love” that has ruined me for all of my girlfriends. And it’s also perpetuating the myth of dorky guy gets hot popular girl that doesn’t happen in real life. Plus, it gave us so many classic lines “You shit on my house, man”, “Look, it’s a nerd herd!”, “He went from totally geek, to totally chic”.
Brian Austin Green tries his hand at music on Beverly Hills 90210, including performing his first single “Switch It Up” on multiple episodes, thus putting a black eye on an entire generation of up and coming wiggers and ruining my future music career.
May 6th, 1994 – the Salt N Peppa/R. Kelly concert tour visits my hometown. I attend and my unwavering love of R. begins.
Kimberley takes her wig off to reveal a huge scar on Melrose Place. A visual that haunts us all. We can never see Marcia Cross the same way again, I don’t care how many “hilarious” things happen to her on Desperate Housewives.
Bailey becomes an alcoholic in just 2 episodes of “Part of Five”, starting my most hated trend of characters being able to become addicted to stuff – which was most recently seen in…Desperate Housewives, featuring Kimberly/Bree who I just mentioned.
September 13th, 1996. 2pac dies. I swear to God, at a party the next night at Arizona State, I poured out a little liquor for my dead homie. I keep it real…real dorky.
Joey chooses Pacey, yet again perpetuating the myth in my head that the hot ass girl will in the end choose the quirky, funny dorky guy. Turns out she only fucks gay dudes (this is a Katie Holmes joke, for all of you non-Dawson's Creek fans. Explaining jokes always makes for great comedy).
A theory I’ve held for my entire life is proven correct when Kerri Russell cuts her hair on Felicity. I’ve said it many times to many girls, “Don’t Cut the Hair”. And Felicity will always be Exhibit A.
I get a job on Celebrities Uncensored, and finally show my dad that there is in fact a job for all of the useless information in my head.
Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline. The resulting jokes pave the way for my writing career.
Summer of 2004, DMX does a shit load of drugs, crashes his car at the airport, pulls out a gun, impersonates a police officer and commandeers a car. This is just a typical summer day for Mr. X, but it paved the way for “In the Mix”, starring international superstar and guaranteed huge box office draw, Usher.
Fall of 2004, The Soup. Television has a new star on it’s hands, when I appear for the first time on TV as a topless gay man who is shaving Joel McHale’s legs. It will not be the first time I play a gay, topless man on TV, check Mind of Mencia on Wednesday.
30!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Richards/Sheen Update
This Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen story is reaching Pitt/Jolie/Aniston proportions, and I love it. It’s like that old game we used to play where we would put two monkeys in a cage with a bunch of hookers and cocaine and Heather Locklear and just watch comedy ensue. The fun would never end!
So now it turns out that Denise and Heather were actually really good friends. They lived next door to each other, spent New Years together, kissed each other on Spin City, and they both grew up in fatherless homes where they were touched inappropriately and later grew up to go out with only tattooed bad boys who pay for sex and play bad music. Okay, I made that last part up, even though it is most likely true, but the rest of it is a fact. They were buddies.
So now the question is, was Denise playing with Richie’s bangs while he was still married to Heather. And did she encourage Heather to get a divorce? And if so, is that actually a nice thing to do since she knew Heather’s husband was cheating on her (excusing the fact that it was with her)? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know this:
Denise’s lawyer has released a transcript of what is allegedly Charlie Sheen’s messages to Denise’s voicemail. I don’t think they really prove that Charlie threatened her or anything, it’s just mostly a lot of “you’re a fucking cunt” talk. Which, come on, that’s just Chuck Sheen being Chuck Sheen. That’s what we expect. It’s damn near loveable at this point. But there was a particular message that was of special interest to me. Here it is, and remember, this is Charlie Sheen saying this, not me. I am not making it up, this is from the mouth of Mr. Charlie Sheen (allegedly):
“…You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking to you again you fucking cunt (told you). Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”
First of all, how crazy is it to call Denise Richards an “N”? That’s amazing. But to use it in that way it’s just so obvious that he says that shit all the damn time – about blacks, Mexicans, Asians, brainless Barbie dolls who blow anyone with money, etc. But I was not surprised. Nope, not surprised at all. And the reason is that back in my good ole’ “Celebrities Uncensored” days, we had a clip of Charlie Sheen about to get into a limo and the paparrazi were asking him about Heidi Fleiss. He stopped and started babbling about how horrible she is and he ends it by muttering under his breath, “fucking jew bitch”. We played that thing back for ourselves at least 20 times just for the sheer joy of it. Charlie Sheen isn’t just a hooker banging, drug snorting talentless weirdo, people, he’s also a racist! How this didn't affect his dad's TV presidency I'll never know. But no wonder he ended up with Hilter's spawn, she was the most purely genetically white girl he could get his hands on (without paying for it, even though, really, he is going to pay for it).
What will happen next? I don't know. But hopefully, it won't involve either of these two making a movie ever again.
So now it turns out that Denise and Heather were actually really good friends. They lived next door to each other, spent New Years together, kissed each other on Spin City, and they both grew up in fatherless homes where they were touched inappropriately and later grew up to go out with only tattooed bad boys who pay for sex and play bad music. Okay, I made that last part up, even though it is most likely true, but the rest of it is a fact. They were buddies.
So now the question is, was Denise playing with Richie’s bangs while he was still married to Heather. And did she encourage Heather to get a divorce? And if so, is that actually a nice thing to do since she knew Heather’s husband was cheating on her (excusing the fact that it was with her)? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know this:
Denise’s lawyer has released a transcript of what is allegedly Charlie Sheen’s messages to Denise’s voicemail. I don’t think they really prove that Charlie threatened her or anything, it’s just mostly a lot of “you’re a fucking cunt” talk. Which, come on, that’s just Chuck Sheen being Chuck Sheen. That’s what we expect. It’s damn near loveable at this point. But there was a particular message that was of special interest to me. Here it is, and remember, this is Charlie Sheen saying this, not me. I am not making it up, this is from the mouth of Mr. Charlie Sheen (allegedly):
“…You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking to you again you fucking cunt (told you). Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”
First of all, how crazy is it to call Denise Richards an “N”? That’s amazing. But to use it in that way it’s just so obvious that he says that shit all the damn time – about blacks, Mexicans, Asians, brainless Barbie dolls who blow anyone with money, etc. But I was not surprised. Nope, not surprised at all. And the reason is that back in my good ole’ “Celebrities Uncensored” days, we had a clip of Charlie Sheen about to get into a limo and the paparrazi were asking him about Heidi Fleiss. He stopped and started babbling about how horrible she is and he ends it by muttering under his breath, “fucking jew bitch”. We played that thing back for ourselves at least 20 times just for the sheer joy of it. Charlie Sheen isn’t just a hooker banging, drug snorting talentless weirdo, people, he’s also a racist! How this didn't affect his dad's TV presidency I'll never know. But no wonder he ended up with Hilter's spawn, she was the most purely genetically white girl he could get his hands on (without paying for it, even though, really, he is going to pay for it).
What will happen next? I don't know. But hopefully, it won't involve either of these two making a movie ever again.
Monday, April 24, 2006
The Case of Richards v. Sheen
INT. COURT - DAY
A JUDGE presides over the case of Denise Richards versus Charlie Sheen. DENISE RICHARDS sits at the plaintiff's desk, adjacent to her at the defendent's desk is her husband, CHARLIE SHEEN.
JUDGE
Ms. Richards, will you state your complaint?
DENISE
Well, your honor, um, my husband, first of all, he like, cheated on me, and then he like, wouldn't leave me alone and he was all trying to get back with me and stuff, but I was like whatever but he like, didn't understand that. And he was all paranoid and acting weird and crazy and he wouldn't stop and it was scary and like, really annoying.
JUDGE
Okay, I'm a little confused. Can you back up a bit?
DENISE
Well, he wouldn't leave me alone and it was all annoying--
JUDGE
No, no. Backup a little further.
DENISE
He was like, cheating on me--
JUDGE
No, no. A little farther.
DENISE
Um...my husband?
JUDGE
That's it.
DENISE
What's it?
JUDGE
Your husband.
DENISE
Yeah.
JUDGE
Let me ask you something, do you ever read magazines?
DENISE
Read?
JUDGE
My bad. I walked into that one. Where do you live?
DENISE
Los Angeles.
JUDGE
That's what I thought. Do you ever watch the E! Channel?
DENISE
Sometimes.
JUDGE
Do you watch Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Access Hollywood?
DENISE
All the time!
JUDGE
Now we're getting somewhere. Okay now, did you know the name of your husband when you married him?
DENISE
Of course.
JUDGE
And that name is...
DENISE
Charlie.
JUDGE
Charlie what?
DENISE
Charlie Sheen.
JUDGE
You married Charlie Sheen?
DENISE
Yeah...
The Judge bangs his gavel.
JUDGE
Case dismissed!
Charlie Sheen smiles and walks out of the courtroom. Denise Richards is dumb...founded.
DENISE
What? That's not fair! What's going on?
JUDGE
Well, after looking at the case from all angles, including your admission that you willingly accepted a marriage proposal from Charlie Sheen and then went through with a ceremony, I thus conclude that you are a stupid whore.
DENISE
But I didn't think that would matter.
JUDGE
Ordinarily it wouldn't. But when your stupid whoreness extends to marrying a hooker loving, coke snorting self admitting man slut, I'm afraid the court just could give a flying fuck about any of your whining.
DENISE
I see.
JUDGE
Here's a little advice, Ms. Richards: though you are a complete moron, and utterly without talent or any kind of charisma or star quality, the fact is that you're hot. True, it's in a mutant Aryan alien, Hitler youth, ethnic cleansing kind of way, but still, no one can deny that you are hot. This means that you have a wide range of guys who wouldn't mind being married to a trophy such as yourself. So next time choose someone who doesn't spout syphillis fueled 9/11 theories, and literally blow coke of stripper's asses.
A JUDGE presides over the case of Denise Richards versus Charlie Sheen. DENISE RICHARDS sits at the plaintiff's desk, adjacent to her at the defendent's desk is her husband, CHARLIE SHEEN.
JUDGE
Ms. Richards, will you state your complaint?
DENISE
Well, your honor, um, my husband, first of all, he like, cheated on me, and then he like, wouldn't leave me alone and he was all trying to get back with me and stuff, but I was like whatever but he like, didn't understand that. And he was all paranoid and acting weird and crazy and he wouldn't stop and it was scary and like, really annoying.
JUDGE
Okay, I'm a little confused. Can you back up a bit?
DENISE
Well, he wouldn't leave me alone and it was all annoying--
JUDGE
No, no. Backup a little further.
DENISE
He was like, cheating on me--
JUDGE
No, no. A little farther.
DENISE
Um...my husband?
JUDGE
That's it.
DENISE
What's it?
JUDGE
Your husband.
DENISE
Yeah.
JUDGE
Let me ask you something, do you ever read magazines?
DENISE
Read?
JUDGE
My bad. I walked into that one. Where do you live?
DENISE
Los Angeles.
JUDGE
That's what I thought. Do you ever watch the E! Channel?
DENISE
Sometimes.
JUDGE
Do you watch Entertainment Tonight, Extra, Access Hollywood?
DENISE
All the time!
JUDGE
Now we're getting somewhere. Okay now, did you know the name of your husband when you married him?
DENISE
Of course.
JUDGE
And that name is...
DENISE
Charlie.
JUDGE
Charlie what?
DENISE
Charlie Sheen.
JUDGE
You married Charlie Sheen?
DENISE
Yeah...
The Judge bangs his gavel.
JUDGE
Case dismissed!
Charlie Sheen smiles and walks out of the courtroom. Denise Richards is dumb...founded.
DENISE
What? That's not fair! What's going on?
JUDGE
Well, after looking at the case from all angles, including your admission that you willingly accepted a marriage proposal from Charlie Sheen and then went through with a ceremony, I thus conclude that you are a stupid whore.
DENISE
But I didn't think that would matter.
JUDGE
Ordinarily it wouldn't. But when your stupid whoreness extends to marrying a hooker loving, coke snorting self admitting man slut, I'm afraid the court just could give a flying fuck about any of your whining.
DENISE
I see.
JUDGE
Here's a little advice, Ms. Richards: though you are a complete moron, and utterly without talent or any kind of charisma or star quality, the fact is that you're hot. True, it's in a mutant Aryan alien, Hitler youth, ethnic cleansing kind of way, but still, no one can deny that you are hot. This means that you have a wide range of guys who wouldn't mind being married to a trophy such as yourself. So next time choose someone who doesn't spout syphillis fueled 9/11 theories, and literally blow coke of stripper's asses.
Friday, April 21, 2006
I Got Nothing
Since I haven't watched TV or read a magazine in 5 days, I really have nothing to say. Lost was a rerun, right? I hope so. I know that Baby Cruise was born for real this week, and actually, a version of the shit I wrote about Tomkat is in the show that we taped last night. What else? Oh, looks like I'm producing another rap video. I'm getting a beat made right now for it, should be pretty cool. As Badfish said it, I seem to be the Weird Al Handleman of beaner comedy. I never thought listening to "Like a Surgeon" would lead to this.
I actually just saw on the internet that Travolta and J. Lo are going to star in the big screen version of "Dallas". Does anyone think this is a good idea? Do you know one person who would want to see this movie? Are they going for the campy "Snakes on a Plane" thing with it? Seriously, do you know how God Damn annoying this shit is to me? I'm toiling away over here and they're greenlighting stuff that is not only a bad idea, no one will ever want to see it. It'd be one thing if it were something I hated that had a genuine audience - like Scary Movie 4 or Scoobie Doo - those movies, to all of our amazements do make money - but no one is interested in seeing this. No one!
Okay, that's all I got. See? Told you I had nothing.
I actually just saw on the internet that Travolta and J. Lo are going to star in the big screen version of "Dallas". Does anyone think this is a good idea? Do you know one person who would want to see this movie? Are they going for the campy "Snakes on a Plane" thing with it? Seriously, do you know how God Damn annoying this shit is to me? I'm toiling away over here and they're greenlighting stuff that is not only a bad idea, no one will ever want to see it. It'd be one thing if it were something I hated that had a genuine audience - like Scary Movie 4 or Scoobie Doo - those movies, to all of our amazements do make money - but no one is interested in seeing this. No one!
Okay, that's all I got. See? Told you I had nothing.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
You're As Useless As...
We had to pitch jokes on one of our sketches today and one particular line captured my attention and I had a little fun with it. So here are my joke pitches for this line in the script:
YOU'RE AS USELESS AS...
Star Jones vagina
Paris Hilton's talking hole
Whitney Houston's sponsor
Tom Cruise on a honeymoon
Anna Nicole Smith at a spelling bee
Heather Graham on a sitcom
A glory hole in Rosie O'Donnell's bathroom
Ashlee Simpson's microphone
Clay Aiken in a whorehouse
Lindsay Lohan's dinner
Britney Spears personal trainer
Kevin Federline's life
Mischa Barton on a soundstage
Mischa Barton on location
Mischa Barton at the Emmy's
YOU'RE AS USELESS AS...
Star Jones vagina
Paris Hilton's talking hole
Whitney Houston's sponsor
Tom Cruise on a honeymoon
Anna Nicole Smith at a spelling bee
Heather Graham on a sitcom
A glory hole in Rosie O'Donnell's bathroom
Ashlee Simpson's microphone
Clay Aiken in a whorehouse
Lindsay Lohan's dinner
Britney Spears personal trainer
Kevin Federline's life
Mischa Barton on a soundstage
Mischa Barton on location
Mischa Barton at the Emmy's
Monday, April 17, 2006
In the News Today...
One of my favorite websites is IMDB.com, mainly because I'm obsessed with actors and actresses and what movies/TV shows they've been in. But another good thing about the website is that on the main page it features "news" stories about celebrities. Each of these stories comes from something called "News of the World", which is based overseas, and always contain about 70 percent of truth. Anyway, here are 2 stories from today:
ANGELINA
Brad, I think I want to give birth in Africa.
BRAD
Um, okay, but isn't Africa, I don't know, they're not known for their hospitals, are they?
ANGELINA
Oh Brad, stop being such a hick. I love Africa. 5 of my kids are from Africa!
BRAD
I know, but I'm just worried. I don't want our baby to catch anything down there.
ANGELINA
What's it going to catch?
BRAD
Well, I heard AIDS is going around.
And then Brad calls home and explains it to his mom.
BRAD
Hey ma, yeah, we're gonna have the baby in Africa.
MOM
Africa? Why? The best hospitals are here, in America.
BRAD
I know but Angelina really loves it there.
MOM
Oh, is that what the whore thinks?
BRAD
Mom!
MOM
Sorry. I meant, is that what the skank thinks?
BRAD
Also, were going to name the baby Hakeem.
MOM
Hakeem?!
BRAD
Yeah, like Olajuwon. It's Namibian.
MOM
Don't you guys already have a black kid named Hakeem. Wait. This baby isn't gonna be black, is it?
BRAD
Of course not.
(off phone, to Angelina)
Angie, our new baby's not gonna be black, is it?
(a moment later)
She says it'll be white and...well, whatever Angelina is. And his name is gonna be Hakeem.
MOM
Let me guess, that's what the psycho slut wants to name him.
BRAD
No, mom. It was a mutual decision.
MOM
My ass.
BRAD
Fine. She wanted Hakeem, I wanted Todd. But then I realized how much I loved Namibia and how the name Hakeem represents the blood of the flesh of the warrior--
MOM
Brad!
Brad stops, he snaps out of it.
BRAD
Mom, have you seen Angelina's body? I don't care if we name the baby Osama Bin Captain Insano, I want to keep fucking her.
First of all, Yessica? What? Did the Mexican nurse write that down on the birth certificate wrong? "No, Nurse Gonzales, it's Jessica! J-essica!" "Got it. Yessica."
What's the over/under on that marriage? 3 months? I'm sure Mrs. Holloway loved reading that shit. Married, not buried? I'm surprised that he didn't add "You know who wants to bone me? Freckles." I am getting increasingly suspicious that the people on that show aren't doing a lot of acting, they're just being themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if that fat dude always carries a big tub of peanut butter with him and Michelle Rodriguez is always that annoying (she has to be).
In fact, the more I hear about the personal lives about the cast of Lost the less I want to hear about them. Jesus. There are some fucked up people on that show. Evangeline Lilly has a big interview in Vanity Fair this week and it's horrific. She's like, super religious, but she used to be married and then left the dude when she got famous but she won't admit it - she won't even admit that she was married - nor will she admit that she's going out with the hobbit. And she compared working as a waitress to being a whore. And she talks about how she would cry all the time and wish she was ugly so men would stop staring at her.
Um, a) you're not that hot and b) you just made every teenage girl in America stick their finger down their throat and cut into their flesh.Can't you be grateful? And if you thought you were a whore back when you were waiting tables, then I gotta little secret for you: they didn't hire your ass cause you're the next Meryl Streep. I think it had a little something to do with your bikini ready body. But I'm guessing the salary and the living in a Hawaii and the hobbit dick make feeling like a whore seem fun.
Pitt and Jolie Plan Namibian Birth?One of the things that is so intriguing about the Pitt/Jolie relationship is that by all accounts, Brad Pitt is a very normal, down home, Midwestern dude. While Angelina is, well, a psycho hose beast (albeit, the hottest one of all time). I just love to imagine how discussions go between them:
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will have their baby in the southern African country of Namibia, a government official has revealed. The Mr. And Mrs. Smith co-stars are even planning a local name for the child as a tribute to the country they "love." South Africa's the Sunday Times reports that Samuel Sheefeni Nuuyoma, governor of the Erongo region of Namibia, enjoyed breakfast with the couple on Friday in their luxury Burning Shores resort hotel. He claims, "They are having the baby here, and they talked about giving the child a Namibian name. She (Jolie) loves Namibia."
ANGELINA
Brad, I think I want to give birth in Africa.
BRAD
Um, okay, but isn't Africa, I don't know, they're not known for their hospitals, are they?
ANGELINA
Oh Brad, stop being such a hick. I love Africa. 5 of my kids are from Africa!
BRAD
I know, but I'm just worried. I don't want our baby to catch anything down there.
ANGELINA
What's it going to catch?
BRAD
Well, I heard AIDS is going around.
And then Brad calls home and explains it to his mom.
BRAD
Hey ma, yeah, we're gonna have the baby in Africa.
MOM
Africa? Why? The best hospitals are here, in America.
BRAD
I know but Angelina really loves it there.
MOM
Oh, is that what the whore thinks?
BRAD
Mom!
MOM
Sorry. I meant, is that what the skank thinks?
BRAD
Also, were going to name the baby Hakeem.
MOM
Hakeem?!
BRAD
Yeah, like Olajuwon. It's Namibian.
MOM
Don't you guys already have a black kid named Hakeem. Wait. This baby isn't gonna be black, is it?
BRAD
Of course not.
(off phone, to Angelina)
Angie, our new baby's not gonna be black, is it?
(a moment later)
She says it'll be white and...well, whatever Angelina is. And his name is gonna be Hakeem.
MOM
Let me guess, that's what the psycho slut wants to name him.
BRAD
No, mom. It was a mutual decision.
MOM
My ass.
BRAD
Fine. She wanted Hakeem, I wanted Todd. But then I realized how much I loved Namibia and how the name Hakeem represents the blood of the flesh of the warrior--
MOM
Brad!
Brad stops, he snaps out of it.
BRAD
Mom, have you seen Angelina's body? I don't care if we name the baby Osama Bin Captain Insano, I want to keep fucking her.
Holloway Considered Playboy Lifestyle
Lost star Josh Holloway considered dumping his faithful fiancee in favor of a playboy lifestyle when he found fame. The actor, who plays Sawyer, began to develop fantasies about becoming a younger Hugh Hefner as his hunky physique attracted the attention of women the world over. But Holloway, who is now happily married, was too much in love with wife Yessica to act on his urges. He tells PageSix.com, "When Lost took off, part of me thought, 'Do I cut and run?' I still like to look around, but respectfully and with no intentions. 'Married, not buried,' I always say. If I were single?... Damn, I'd have one girl doing my laundry, one shaving me, one bringing me a cocktail and another one coming out of my tent all hung over."
First of all, Yessica? What? Did the Mexican nurse write that down on the birth certificate wrong? "No, Nurse Gonzales, it's Jessica! J-essica!" "Got it. Yessica."
What's the over/under on that marriage? 3 months? I'm sure Mrs. Holloway loved reading that shit. Married, not buried? I'm surprised that he didn't add "You know who wants to bone me? Freckles." I am getting increasingly suspicious that the people on that show aren't doing a lot of acting, they're just being themselves. I wouldn't be surprised if that fat dude always carries a big tub of peanut butter with him and Michelle Rodriguez is always that annoying (she has to be).
In fact, the more I hear about the personal lives about the cast of Lost the less I want to hear about them. Jesus. There are some fucked up people on that show. Evangeline Lilly has a big interview in Vanity Fair this week and it's horrific. She's like, super religious, but she used to be married and then left the dude when she got famous but she won't admit it - she won't even admit that she was married - nor will she admit that she's going out with the hobbit. And she compared working as a waitress to being a whore. And she talks about how she would cry all the time and wish she was ugly so men would stop staring at her.
Um, a) you're not that hot and b) you just made every teenage girl in America stick their finger down their throat and cut into their flesh.Can't you be grateful? And if you thought you were a whore back when you were waiting tables, then I gotta little secret for you: they didn't hire your ass cause you're the next Meryl Streep. I think it had a little something to do with your bikini ready body. But I'm guessing the salary and the living in a Hawaii and the hobbit dick make feeling like a whore seem fun.
Friday, April 14, 2006
New MTV Shows
MTV VOICE OVER
First we brought you Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd", then came Wilmer Valderrama's "Yo Mama", and now we bring you other shows from the cast of "That '70's Show".
On Tuesday's at 10, it's Danny Masterson's "Mutton Chops".
It's Muttontastic!
And stay tuned immediately after for Topher Grace's "I can't believe you gave Wilmer a show!".
Wednesday morning at 3:35am comes Laura Prepon's "Who the fuck am I?".
And finally, don't forget the premier of Wilmer Valderrama's new game show: "Is that Rape?", Saturday at 10!
It's statutory raperiffic!
First we brought you Ashton Kutcher's "Punk'd", then came Wilmer Valderrama's "Yo Mama", and now we bring you other shows from the cast of "That '70's Show".
On Tuesday's at 10, it's Danny Masterson's "Mutton Chops".
It's Muttontastic!
And stay tuned immediately after for Topher Grace's "I can't believe you gave Wilmer a show!".
Wednesday morning at 3:35am comes Laura Prepon's "Who the fuck am I?".
And finally, don't forget the premier of Wilmer Valderrama's new game show: "Is that Rape?", Saturday at 10!
It's statutory raperiffic!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
The World Famous Superman Story
I've almost written this story many times here but have always held back because it involves a certain ex-girlfriend of mine, who is still my friend, and I didn't want to piss her off. But now I'm pretty sure she's stopped reading this so I'm gonna tell it now, but even if she is still reading this, I think enough time has passed - she's happy, I'm happy - that we can all get a good chuckle out of it. Right? Right? Please? Okay.
I don't even know if it's a good story anymore, but I know that whenever I think about it it makes me laugh, because it is the perfect example of my genius/stupidness. Well, mostly my stupidness.
All right, enough build up.
So I was going out with this girl for awhile, and things were pretty good. But because I am emotionally distant, she would always want me to "communicate" more. And she would express this by constantly doing something that I had thought women knew was a huge no-no to do: ask me the question "what are you thinking?" (Up until my mid-20's, I seriously thought that women asking this question was just a movie cliche and not something that happened in real life. I was wrong). So just in case any of you ladies don't understand this at this late date, don't fucking ask that!
Anyway, she would ask me "what are you thinking?" a lot and it was funny because everytime she would ask, I would literally be thinking nothing. Yes, I swear I'm just that dumb, absolutely nothing would be in my head. Well, of course not nothing, but nothing that she would deem to be important. Despite my claims, she would never believe me. She always thought I was hiding some "feelings" that I wasn't expressing.
Because I am a gentleman and a genuine ladies man, one weekend I plan a trip for the two of us up to Napa. And when I say that I plan the trip, I PLAN the trip - the airplane, the hotel, the vineyards we'll be visiting, the dinner reservations, everything. We go up there and have a lovely time. We drive around, drink some wine, see the sights, delightful. Then we go to dinner.
The salad arrives. I dig in (I love me some salad!). As I'm eating, I, for some reason, start thinking about Superman III (these are the things I think about, people). I start thinking about the time in Superman III when Superman is flying around like a madman, and goes to the Italian city of Pisa and straightens out the leaning tower. And that's where I get confused. Was he doing that to be a dick? I think he was. But isn't that kind of a good thing? I'm sure that the original builders meant for it to be straight, so I don't know.
Now as I'm thinking this, I become very self conscious of my face. And I realize that I have this very serious, contemplative look. And I think that's funny. And a light bulb goes off in my head. Ding! This is the PERFECT example of the stuff I'm thinking about when she asks me "what are you thinking?". I smile, she's gonna think this is hilarious!
I stop eating. "Hey, babe" I say, "you know when you always ask me what I'm thinking and I always say nothing and you don't believe me?" She looks at me, she already doesn't like where this is headed. "Yeah." I push on, knowing that the Superman III hook is just gonna crack her ass up. "Well, right now I was just thinking about Superman III and about the leaning tower of Pisa and him straightening it and is that really dick or is it kinda nice and I realized that I had a serious look on my face and these are the kinda things I'm thinking about when you ask me that question...isn't that hilarious?"
She puts her fork down. She looks up at me. She's not smiling, but I don't give up - I'm still waiting for the belly laugh to ensue. But something different happens...
A tear drops from her right eye. Then another. Then another. She grabs her napkin. She's crying!
I have no idea what's going on. Was Superman III her favorite movie? Was there an onion in that salad? Does she feel this strongly that the leaning tower of Pisa stay leaning?
Unfortunately, that's not why she was crying. This is why: "I thought you were thinking how much you loved being with me!"
Yes, I'm an idiot, cause then I say: "Now?"
More tears...and she says: "No! Everytime I ask!"
Glad I sprung for this "vacation". She goes to the bathroom and composes herself and returns to the table.
And then something amazing happens, something that is such a strange thread in my life that it really is my only proof that there is a God. It's crazy! This is what happens:
A character from the "Wonder Years" walks in. I shit you not! I swear to God this fucking happened! It wasn't the girl I've talked about here before (Cara/cocaine girl), it was the second hottest chick from the show. Not Winnie. It was Madeleine, the sexy temptress that had an incomprehensible love for Kevin and kept trying to lure him away from Winnie.
But unfortunately I can't get excited because my girlfriend is PISSED. Really pissed. She's not saying anything. But I have this thing wired into me, I hate when people are mad at me, and it makes me want to throw out little trivia and small talk to try and get them to like me again. So while my girlfriend isn't speaking to me, I lean over and say: "Hey, see that girl over there." "Which one?" "The hot one." Fuck. "What about her?" "She was in the Wonder Years." "So?" "Nothing. I just thought you'd think that was cool."
Yes, I'm a douchebag. But I'm pretty sure Superman was doing that to be a dick.
I don't even know if it's a good story anymore, but I know that whenever I think about it it makes me laugh, because it is the perfect example of my genius/stupidness. Well, mostly my stupidness.
All right, enough build up.
So I was going out with this girl for awhile, and things were pretty good. But because I am emotionally distant, she would always want me to "communicate" more. And she would express this by constantly doing something that I had thought women knew was a huge no-no to do: ask me the question "what are you thinking?" (Up until my mid-20's, I seriously thought that women asking this question was just a movie cliche and not something that happened in real life. I was wrong). So just in case any of you ladies don't understand this at this late date, don't fucking ask that!
Anyway, she would ask me "what are you thinking?" a lot and it was funny because everytime she would ask, I would literally be thinking nothing. Yes, I swear I'm just that dumb, absolutely nothing would be in my head. Well, of course not nothing, but nothing that she would deem to be important. Despite my claims, she would never believe me. She always thought I was hiding some "feelings" that I wasn't expressing.
Because I am a gentleman and a genuine ladies man, one weekend I plan a trip for the two of us up to Napa. And when I say that I plan the trip, I PLAN the trip - the airplane, the hotel, the vineyards we'll be visiting, the dinner reservations, everything. We go up there and have a lovely time. We drive around, drink some wine, see the sights, delightful. Then we go to dinner.
The salad arrives. I dig in (I love me some salad!). As I'm eating, I, for some reason, start thinking about Superman III (these are the things I think about, people). I start thinking about the time in Superman III when Superman is flying around like a madman, and goes to the Italian city of Pisa and straightens out the leaning tower. And that's where I get confused. Was he doing that to be a dick? I think he was. But isn't that kind of a good thing? I'm sure that the original builders meant for it to be straight, so I don't know.
Now as I'm thinking this, I become very self conscious of my face. And I realize that I have this very serious, contemplative look. And I think that's funny. And a light bulb goes off in my head. Ding! This is the PERFECT example of the stuff I'm thinking about when she asks me "what are you thinking?". I smile, she's gonna think this is hilarious!
I stop eating. "Hey, babe" I say, "you know when you always ask me what I'm thinking and I always say nothing and you don't believe me?" She looks at me, she already doesn't like where this is headed. "Yeah." I push on, knowing that the Superman III hook is just gonna crack her ass up. "Well, right now I was just thinking about Superman III and about the leaning tower of Pisa and him straightening it and is that really dick or is it kinda nice and I realized that I had a serious look on my face and these are the kinda things I'm thinking about when you ask me that question...isn't that hilarious?"
She puts her fork down. She looks up at me. She's not smiling, but I don't give up - I'm still waiting for the belly laugh to ensue. But something different happens...
A tear drops from her right eye. Then another. Then another. She grabs her napkin. She's crying!
I have no idea what's going on. Was Superman III her favorite movie? Was there an onion in that salad? Does she feel this strongly that the leaning tower of Pisa stay leaning?
Unfortunately, that's not why she was crying. This is why: "I thought you were thinking how much you loved being with me!"
Yes, I'm an idiot, cause then I say: "Now?"
More tears...and she says: "No! Everytime I ask!"
Glad I sprung for this "vacation". She goes to the bathroom and composes herself and returns to the table.
And then something amazing happens, something that is such a strange thread in my life that it really is my only proof that there is a God. It's crazy! This is what happens:
A character from the "Wonder Years" walks in. I shit you not! I swear to God this fucking happened! It wasn't the girl I've talked about here before (Cara/cocaine girl), it was the second hottest chick from the show. Not Winnie. It was Madeleine, the sexy temptress that had an incomprehensible love for Kevin and kept trying to lure him away from Winnie.
But unfortunately I can't get excited because my girlfriend is PISSED. Really pissed. She's not saying anything. But I have this thing wired into me, I hate when people are mad at me, and it makes me want to throw out little trivia and small talk to try and get them to like me again. So while my girlfriend isn't speaking to me, I lean over and say: "Hey, see that girl over there." "Which one?" "The hot one." Fuck. "What about her?" "She was in the Wonder Years." "So?" "Nothing. I just thought you'd think that was cool."
Yes, I'm a douchebag. But I'm pretty sure Superman was doing that to be a dick.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Tom and Katie finally have their baby!!!
I know that Gwyneth had her baby this weekend (and named it Moses!), but even though her kid can part the Red Sea, it doesn't mean he can't be overshadowed by another celebrity baby. This is just off the AP wire:
LOS ANGELES - It's a boy for actress Katie Holmes and actor Tom Cruise. L. John Kazanski Cruise, the couple’s first child, was born Monday morning in Los Angeles, the office of Cruise’s publicist Paul Bloch said today.
At 6:43am, Holmes gave birth to an 11 pound, 6 ounce baby boy after a 13 month pregnancy. The boy is reportedly in good health, and has already been audited and deemed to be a Thetan Level Clear – which is the level Jenna Elfman attained before Dharma and Greg got cancelled.
Although Cruise allowed a Fifth Invader Force to help with the delivery of the baby, hospital staff reports that he allowed no drugs to be administered, and at one point Holmes cried out for someone named “Pacey”.
Mother and father are said to be in good health, although during the birth father fainted when he got his first look at a vagina.
The baby’s full name, L. John Kazanski Cruise, comes from Scientology creator L. Ron Hubbard, the John is for John Travolta, and Kazanski of course, comes from pilot Tom “Iceman” Kazanski – Maverick’s arch nemesis in the classic “Top Gun”.
JJ Abrams was there to document the birth and will reportedly use the footage for another Mission Impossible sequel.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Again...Lost
Can we all just agree at this point that "Lost" is the greatest show of all time? Good. Cause that's the premise I'm working off of from now on. No show has exhibited this much consistent creativity since MacGyver was getting out of jams every week. I am in awe of this show. It's actually making all other shows look bad. "The Sopranos" is good, but they go 2 or 3 boring shows just to setup a good one. With "Lost", every episode drops something that makes you go "Oh, shit".
But something is pissing me off. Nothing about the show, how dare you! No, it's these people who say "Where is this going?" or "The answer to this whole thing better be good" or "How does Jack keep that same stubble?". All of you, shut the fuck up! Can't you just enjoy the ride? Just go with it. It's entertainment! It's not your job to worry if the people making the show know what they're doing. Let them worry about it. All you have to do is sit back and watch the show. Why are you hating on some future shit that's not even going to happen? Hasn't this show earned your trust yet?
I'm the most pessimistic dude on the planet when it comes to TV, and I could give a fuck where it's going. It's all about the journey, right? Would season 1 and 2 of Friends have been better if you knew then that they were going to end up having a kid and getting married and all that crap? No, that part of the series sucked, but it didn't make the beginning bad. And you know what? It's been two seasons of gold, so let's just face the facts: these dudes are good.
The people who worry about this stuff are closely to related to a group of idiots I hate even more: the "spoiler" idiots. No, I'm not talking about the jackasses who ruin an episode for you because you haven't watched it off TiVo yet, I'm talking about the people who want to know what's going to happen before the show comes on.
I can't properly insult these fuckers because I truly do not understand them. Why do you want to know key plot points before you watch the show? Doesn't that ruin it? And by the way, it's not real life. You're not seeing into the future. You're not a fortune teller because you know that Jar Jar Binks isn't in the next Star Wars, you're a virgin. You're not getting a scoop, you're fucking shit up for yourself! Stop it.
But seriously, "Lost", what the fuck is going on?
But something is pissing me off. Nothing about the show, how dare you! No, it's these people who say "Where is this going?" or "The answer to this whole thing better be good" or "How does Jack keep that same stubble?". All of you, shut the fuck up! Can't you just enjoy the ride? Just go with it. It's entertainment! It's not your job to worry if the people making the show know what they're doing. Let them worry about it. All you have to do is sit back and watch the show. Why are you hating on some future shit that's not even going to happen? Hasn't this show earned your trust yet?
I'm the most pessimistic dude on the planet when it comes to TV, and I could give a fuck where it's going. It's all about the journey, right? Would season 1 and 2 of Friends have been better if you knew then that they were going to end up having a kid and getting married and all that crap? No, that part of the series sucked, but it didn't make the beginning bad. And you know what? It's been two seasons of gold, so let's just face the facts: these dudes are good.
The people who worry about this stuff are closely to related to a group of idiots I hate even more: the "spoiler" idiots. No, I'm not talking about the jackasses who ruin an episode for you because you haven't watched it off TiVo yet, I'm talking about the people who want to know what's going to happen before the show comes on.
I can't properly insult these fuckers because I truly do not understand them. Why do you want to know key plot points before you watch the show? Doesn't that ruin it? And by the way, it's not real life. You're not seeing into the future. You're not a fortune teller because you know that Jar Jar Binks isn't in the next Star Wars, you're a virgin. You're not getting a scoop, you're fucking shit up for yourself! Stop it.
But seriously, "Lost", what the fuck is going on?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
I Finally Admit That Entertainment Weekly Sucks
I've been on the verge of writing this for the past six months, but my loyalty to the only magazine I consistently read kept me from doing it. But this week, I was pushed over the edge. First, a little backstory.
Much like Kevin Arnold, Entertainment Weekly came into existence at a crucial period of my life. Just as I was realizing my love of all things movie/tv/celebrity, it was there to tell me about all things movie/tv/celebrity. It has always had the perfect format: news and notes, articles, and then reviews of movies, dvd, tv, music, and books. It never crossed the line into being "too funny" or "too tabloidy", it always stayed a little journalistic. In other words, it never went the Us Weekly route. And I've been reading it every single week for the last 12 years (fuck, i'm old).
The one problem with EW has always been the movie critics. They suck. They always have, and they always will. But it was easy to look past the craptasticness of Lisa Schwartzbaum and Owen Glieberman because the rest of the magazine is damn good. You had Dalton Ross doing the "what to watch" TV section, and Ken Tucker doing quality TV reviews (though he overly loved Alias, but then again, always championed Felicity. "Blumberg Industries!"), and David Browne seems to know his music. It's consistently a slightly humorous and informative quick read, and it has made many 50 minute LA to Oakland flights less harrowing for me. And I'm grateful for that, I truly am, but now, to my dismay, the magazine sucks.
I have no ability to judge time, but I think it was maybe two years ago when they changed Editors. I had no idea back then how this would screw up my life. Writers were moved around. The format changed slightly. Dalton Ross was moved from his perfect "what to watch" slot into the always horrific Hot Sheet. A place where writers go to die.
But it wasn't any of the cosmetic changes that killed the magazine, it's the tone. Now, it's "funny". It was funny before, but now it is trying to be funny. All the time. It's fucking embarrassing. How the hell are you critiquing shit when the shit you are writing isn't good? It's similar to the dilemma I face when I critique shit even though you all know that I wrote "In the Mix". It's difficult to take me seriously, isn't it? Dammit, I shouldn't have told you about it. These idiots are cracking bad jokes and yet they're trying to tell me that I shouldn't see "The Benchwarmers". Well, you're obviously no judge of comedy so it doesn't mean much.
All of the sudden, they're doing "bits". They're making up "fake polls" with fake responses that are just "jokes". Everytime I start to read one of these bits I get so pissed 2 seconds in when I realize they're just trying to do a joke. Dude, I want the information, I don't want your crap ass comedy. If you were any good, you'd be sitting across from me right now writing beaner jokes.
These develpments have been upsetting and I've been trying to overlook it, but the real reason I'm writing this is because of something else. Something worse. For the past year, EW has been spouting insane blanket statements that no one agrees with. It seems like every week there is a comment by a columnist or a reviewer that drives me insane. I've literally thrown the magazine across my apartment in disgust several times over some bullshit they state as fact. I'm bummed right now because I haven't been writing them down and I wish I had, because it would make for an incredible post by me. But I'm an idiot and I didn't, so I'll just try to remember a couple of examples.
EXAMPLE #1:
A couple of weeks ago they did a small story about Jermaine Dupri producing Mariah Carey's recent hits and how this was a big "comback" for him. They talked about how he hadn't produced any hits for a long time and how he was cold. The headline was "Jermaine Dupri's rise to music MVP -- Behind the scenes of the once-iffy producer's current hot streak". Um...what? They didn't interview him and it seemed to be just a totally made up story. Jermaine Dupri has probably been the most consistent music producer of the last 10 years. The biggest album last year was Mariah's, and the biggest album the year before that was Usher's. Well, guess who produced that? Wow, he was really down and out, he only produced the best selling album of 2004 AND 2005. And in 2004 he was named Executive Vice President of Virgin Records. Man, he was practically homeless, thank God Mariah gave him a break. Now, it took me about 2 seconds to look that up, so what the fuck? And just for the record, he also did "Tipsy" and the only good songs from Alicia Keys' first album, and of course "Welcome to Atlanta" with Ludacris and about a million more. It may not sound like the craziest thing, but it's just one in a long line of strange made up, nonsensical blanket claims.
EXAMPLE #2
And here's another one, two weeks ago they said that "American Beauty" was the worst Best Picture winner of all time. Now it's cool if that's what they think and some of you may agree, but it's the way it was said. This is the sentence: "Besides, everyone knows that American Beauty is the worst movie ever to snag a Best Picture statuette." Really? Everyone knows that? I've got something everyone knows: Fuck You. It's exactly that kind of horse shit that I'm talking about. What are these crazy theories and opinions and why are you saying them like it's common knowledge? That's what Bill O'Reilly does! That's not why I read the magazine. I want news, not your wacky thoughts.
But again, it's this week that put me over the edge. What was it, you ask? Well, I had gone through the magazine anger free until I hit the DVD reviews. First up, they reviewed the newly released Mel Brooks collection. And that's when they hit me over the head with this:
"Silent Movie and High Anxiety - both starring Brooks - are watchable, but the same can't be said of the unbearably crass History of the World: Part I."
Holy fuck.
Again, this is not somthing where I just disagree with their review, yes I disagree, but it's also the severity of their claim. History of the World unwatchable? You can't say that, you know why? Because even if you think it's bad, you can't deny the catchphrases it has spawned. Just for that alone it has to be watchable. "Good to be the king"? Ever heard that before? History of the World. My dad, to this very day, calls me "the piss boy". That's from History of the World. "Hitler on Ice"? History of the World.
Anyway, I wish I had catalogued all of the shit they've been saying for the past couple of years so I could make a better case, but I think you get the idea. It's craziness, I just want my old EW back. But unfortunately, it's like cute Britney Spears, it's gone forever.
Much like Kevin Arnold, Entertainment Weekly came into existence at a crucial period of my life. Just as I was realizing my love of all things movie/tv/celebrity, it was there to tell me about all things movie/tv/celebrity. It has always had the perfect format: news and notes, articles, and then reviews of movies, dvd, tv, music, and books. It never crossed the line into being "too funny" or "too tabloidy", it always stayed a little journalistic. In other words, it never went the Us Weekly route. And I've been reading it every single week for the last 12 years (fuck, i'm old).
The one problem with EW has always been the movie critics. They suck. They always have, and they always will. But it was easy to look past the craptasticness of Lisa Schwartzbaum and Owen Glieberman because the rest of the magazine is damn good. You had Dalton Ross doing the "what to watch" TV section, and Ken Tucker doing quality TV reviews (though he overly loved Alias, but then again, always championed Felicity. "Blumberg Industries!"), and David Browne seems to know his music. It's consistently a slightly humorous and informative quick read, and it has made many 50 minute LA to Oakland flights less harrowing for me. And I'm grateful for that, I truly am, but now, to my dismay, the magazine sucks.
I have no ability to judge time, but I think it was maybe two years ago when they changed Editors. I had no idea back then how this would screw up my life. Writers were moved around. The format changed slightly. Dalton Ross was moved from his perfect "what to watch" slot into the always horrific Hot Sheet. A place where writers go to die.
But it wasn't any of the cosmetic changes that killed the magazine, it's the tone. Now, it's "funny". It was funny before, but now it is trying to be funny. All the time. It's fucking embarrassing. How the hell are you critiquing shit when the shit you are writing isn't good? It's similar to the dilemma I face when I critique shit even though you all know that I wrote "In the Mix". It's difficult to take me seriously, isn't it? Dammit, I shouldn't have told you about it. These idiots are cracking bad jokes and yet they're trying to tell me that I shouldn't see "The Benchwarmers". Well, you're obviously no judge of comedy so it doesn't mean much.
All of the sudden, they're doing "bits". They're making up "fake polls" with fake responses that are just "jokes". Everytime I start to read one of these bits I get so pissed 2 seconds in when I realize they're just trying to do a joke. Dude, I want the information, I don't want your crap ass comedy. If you were any good, you'd be sitting across from me right now writing beaner jokes.
These develpments have been upsetting and I've been trying to overlook it, but the real reason I'm writing this is because of something else. Something worse. For the past year, EW has been spouting insane blanket statements that no one agrees with. It seems like every week there is a comment by a columnist or a reviewer that drives me insane. I've literally thrown the magazine across my apartment in disgust several times over some bullshit they state as fact. I'm bummed right now because I haven't been writing them down and I wish I had, because it would make for an incredible post by me. But I'm an idiot and I didn't, so I'll just try to remember a couple of examples.
EXAMPLE #1:
A couple of weeks ago they did a small story about Jermaine Dupri producing Mariah Carey's recent hits and how this was a big "comback" for him. They talked about how he hadn't produced any hits for a long time and how he was cold. The headline was "Jermaine Dupri's rise to music MVP -- Behind the scenes of the once-iffy producer's current hot streak". Um...what? They didn't interview him and it seemed to be just a totally made up story. Jermaine Dupri has probably been the most consistent music producer of the last 10 years. The biggest album last year was Mariah's, and the biggest album the year before that was Usher's. Well, guess who produced that? Wow, he was really down and out, he only produced the best selling album of 2004 AND 2005. And in 2004 he was named Executive Vice President of Virgin Records. Man, he was practically homeless, thank God Mariah gave him a break. Now, it took me about 2 seconds to look that up, so what the fuck? And just for the record, he also did "Tipsy" and the only good songs from Alicia Keys' first album, and of course "Welcome to Atlanta" with Ludacris and about a million more. It may not sound like the craziest thing, but it's just one in a long line of strange made up, nonsensical blanket claims.
EXAMPLE #2
And here's another one, two weeks ago they said that "American Beauty" was the worst Best Picture winner of all time. Now it's cool if that's what they think and some of you may agree, but it's the way it was said. This is the sentence: "Besides, everyone knows that American Beauty is the worst movie ever to snag a Best Picture statuette." Really? Everyone knows that? I've got something everyone knows: Fuck You. It's exactly that kind of horse shit that I'm talking about. What are these crazy theories and opinions and why are you saying them like it's common knowledge? That's what Bill O'Reilly does! That's not why I read the magazine. I want news, not your wacky thoughts.
But again, it's this week that put me over the edge. What was it, you ask? Well, I had gone through the magazine anger free until I hit the DVD reviews. First up, they reviewed the newly released Mel Brooks collection. And that's when they hit me over the head with this:
"Silent Movie and High Anxiety - both starring Brooks - are watchable, but the same can't be said of the unbearably crass History of the World: Part I."
Holy fuck.
Again, this is not somthing where I just disagree with their review, yes I disagree, but it's also the severity of their claim. History of the World unwatchable? You can't say that, you know why? Because even if you think it's bad, you can't deny the catchphrases it has spawned. Just for that alone it has to be watchable. "Good to be the king"? Ever heard that before? History of the World. My dad, to this very day, calls me "the piss boy". That's from History of the World. "Hitler on Ice"? History of the World.
Anyway, I wish I had catalogued all of the shit they've been saying for the past couple of years so I could make a better case, but I think you get the idea. It's craziness, I just want my old EW back. But unfortunately, it's like cute Britney Spears, it's gone forever.
I Put On My Serious Hat
I did a field shoot for the show last week and one of the locations was Crenshaw. Or more specifically, the intersection at Crenshaw Boulevard and Martin Luther King. For those of you who do not live in Los Angeles, I'm guessing you can tell from the MLK part of that address that it is the hood. This is one of the benefits of writing for a TV show like this, because there aren't too many jobs that allow you to go deep into the heart of the ghetto and ask angry poor black people offensive questions. How lucky! But actually, it was quite an eye opening experience. It turns out there's only so much you can understand about the ghetto from listening to NWA and watching "Boyz in Da Hood".
Now, as I have mentioned before, I am not a religious man (although I do worship at the altar of one Mr. R. Kelly). I am the son of a good Catholic girl and a good Jewish boy, neither of which was all that fanatical about either Testament. I did not go to Catholic school or Hebrew school and I did not have a Barmitzvah. I am from hippie land, the Bay Area, but I kinda think that's just a coincidence (but I could be wrong).
I do not hate on religion or hate on those who practice religion, I see the need for it. I understand it. I believe in God, I just don't believe in organized religion, but however you get through the day is cool with me.
Now let's go back to Crenshaw. It turns out that the majority of African Americans you will find walking around at 2:00pm on a Friday are VERY religious. They love the J-Man, big time. One after another, they talked about Jesus and the fact that he is the savior and how much he loves mankind. It was beautiful (and creepy). And then the subject of homosexuals came up. And that's when, it turns out, Jesus starts making people burn in hell. You see, Jesus loves everyone, but he hates fags. That's right, Jesus could turn water into wine, but he could never get down with ass play.
They didn't really see a connection between themselves and the gay community, you know, with that whole thing where they fought for civil rights like gays do...didn't cross their minds. But of course it didn't cross their minds, because they were born black and gay people choose to be gay. That's right, when given a choice, they choose wiener.
It doesn't take a brain surgeon (pun intended) to figure out why that hypothesis is wrong. I'm sorry, but no human being if given a choice would choose penis if it wasn't wired into their brain. Why do you think almost every guys' fantasy is two women together? We want to be as far away from imagining penis as possible. But that's not my point. My point is that religious people seem to be some really intolerant motherfuckers.
And I know the argument, "they're misinterpreting". Okay, that's the problem. It seems like 90 percent of religious folk are misinterpreting. At a certain point, it just is what they think it is. So Jesus may or may not have said that he hates fags, but right now, to the good Chrisians in America, he does. And that's fucking scary. Why? Cause I love fags! And not just cause of Top Gun or Grease or "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go", but because it means more pussy for me. So Jesus, leave the gays alone!
Now, as I have mentioned before, I am not a religious man (although I do worship at the altar of one Mr. R. Kelly). I am the son of a good Catholic girl and a good Jewish boy, neither of which was all that fanatical about either Testament. I did not go to Catholic school or Hebrew school and I did not have a Barmitzvah. I am from hippie land, the Bay Area, but I kinda think that's just a coincidence (but I could be wrong).
I do not hate on religion or hate on those who practice religion, I see the need for it. I understand it. I believe in God, I just don't believe in organized religion, but however you get through the day is cool with me.
Now let's go back to Crenshaw. It turns out that the majority of African Americans you will find walking around at 2:00pm on a Friday are VERY religious. They love the J-Man, big time. One after another, they talked about Jesus and the fact that he is the savior and how much he loves mankind. It was beautiful (and creepy). And then the subject of homosexuals came up. And that's when, it turns out, Jesus starts making people burn in hell. You see, Jesus loves everyone, but he hates fags. That's right, Jesus could turn water into wine, but he could never get down with ass play.
They didn't really see a connection between themselves and the gay community, you know, with that whole thing where they fought for civil rights like gays do...didn't cross their minds. But of course it didn't cross their minds, because they were born black and gay people choose to be gay. That's right, when given a choice, they choose wiener.
It doesn't take a brain surgeon (pun intended) to figure out why that hypothesis is wrong. I'm sorry, but no human being if given a choice would choose penis if it wasn't wired into their brain. Why do you think almost every guys' fantasy is two women together? We want to be as far away from imagining penis as possible. But that's not my point. My point is that religious people seem to be some really intolerant motherfuckers.
And I know the argument, "they're misinterpreting". Okay, that's the problem. It seems like 90 percent of religious folk are misinterpreting. At a certain point, it just is what they think it is. So Jesus may or may not have said that he hates fags, but right now, to the good Chrisians in America, he does. And that's fucking scary. Why? Cause I love fags! And not just cause of Top Gun or Grease or "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go", but because it means more pussy for me. So Jesus, leave the gays alone!
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