Do you smell that? That is the scent of my oncoming unemployment. You know what that means? Even more time for me to waste watching television. Only one problem: it’s the summer, and in the networks infinite wisdom, they have collectively decided not to make new shows during this time of the year. If you want to know how stupid Hollywood is then look no further than this “tradition”. You’d think one enterprising young exec would go “I have an idea, no one is putting on new programming for 3 months, why don’t we put on new shit? There’s no competition!” You know why no one is thinking of that? Because these young execs I speak of have no qualification for their job other than they took shit for 5 years for no pay until their asshole boss got fired and then got the job just because of attrition.
But you'd still think they'd figure it out because when they actually do put a new thing on in the summer it almost always breaks out. Even something as crappy as “Dancing with the Stars” gets popular when there is nothing else to watch. And I don’t have to tell you what happened when 90210 did the whole Beverly Hills Beach Club thing, or when the OC debuted weeks before anything else. It seems so simple. What better way to start a series you, as a network, are enthusiastic about then putting out there when nothing else is on. It is this kind of logical thinking that is the reason I will never make it in Hollywood.
But luckily, there are a handful of new shows this summer. Of course, most of them are not on the “real” networks, but some of them are way better than almost anything on those old fashioned Nazi regimes.
1. Rescue Me
The first of which is my favorite show on TV (other than Lost…and the Bachelor), Rescue Me. This is such an amazing show, why don’t more people talk about it? Oh yeah, cause it’s on FX. And this is what it's like telling people about it:
me: do you guys watch "Rescue Me"?
my parents: No. What channel is that on?
Me: FX
mp: F what?
Me: FX. It's a cable network.
mp: What time is FX on?
Me: No. It's a network. Rescue Me is on it.
mp: I don't understand, is the show Rescue Me or is it FX?
Me: Nevermind. Just watch Deal or No Deal, it's on good ole' NBC.
(SON'S NOTE: My parents are not actually like this)
The first two seasons of this show were so good it’s actually kind of embarrassing for the rest of the entertainment community. This is what you’re banishing to FX, motherfuckers! It’s so much better than all of you! Everything is awesome about this show. The premiere episode was on Tuesday and it looks like there’s more awesomeness to come. And luckily, since it’s on FX, they rerun the snot out of it so if you missed it, or still haven't figured out this whole FX concept, don’t worry.
2.Entourage
I love Entourage. We all do. Actually, we all don’t. No one watches this show. I know, Entertainment Weekly and popular culture in general would have you believe that this is a show everyone watches but that's a big fat lie. Of course, everyone I know watches it but apparently no one else in America does. This show is the ying to American Idol’s yang. It’s 5 million times cooler and better and yet America could give a fuck. I blame that whole “middle of the country” people have told me about. I’ve seen pictures and heard stories but I didn’t think it could be real. It is. And normally I wouldn’t care, but it kinda means that there’s more American Idol’s to come and less Entourage’s. That sucks. Listen, middle of the country, if you like American Idol so much, do us all a favor and just go to a fricking karaoke bar and then come home, kick your feet up, and watch Entourage.
3.The Hills
If you didn’t know this about me, I am firmly entrenched with Team LC. If you don’t know what that means, then you obviously never watch TV’s version of crack cocaine: Laguna Beach. Laguna Beach is the reason I relate to Whitney Houston, crack maybe whack, but if it’s anything like Laguna, it’s so bad it’s rad (sorry). Anyway, this is the spinoff with my favorite Laguna girl LC. The only hesitancy I have to this show is my knowledge that LC is currently still dating that douchebag Jason. Oh, I fucking hate that guy. But I probably hate him in the same way that I hate every Real World dude, where I’m still compelled to watch them and thus feel better about my own life. Except for I don't get to go out with LC, or have a girlfriend at all really...but I can grow a better beard than him! So suck on that, Jason!
4.Windfall
Let’s be honest, there’s only one reason I’m watching this show: Dylan McKay. It’s just a rule at this point, if Luke Perry, Jason Priestley, Brian Austin Green, or any other 90210-er are in a show, I’m watching (exceptions being that evil bitch Brenda and Jennie Garth’s WB show). And I read the trades everyday on the off chance I will see those magic words: “The Ian Ziering Project”. Also, the premise of this show is pretty cool. 20 friends win the lottery and then everything goes to hell. Solid idea. But you do have to wonder why a "regular network" is dumping this thing in the summer. I hope it's good, especially because I hate when a cool idea is wasted. Oh who am I kidding? I hope it's good for Luke's sake.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
A Letter to Wishbone
This is a real letter I have sent to Wishbone:
To Whom It May Concern At Wishbone:
I write to you as a concerned consumer of your Italian salad dressing. Recently, to my great distress, you have replaced your regular Italian dressing with Italian dressing that is now, as stated on the bottle, "NOW Bursting with MORE Herbs and Spices".
My first question is: who asked for more herbs and spices? Cause it wasn't me. I have been enjoying your terrific salad dressing daily for the last 15 years. That's right, just about every day for the last 15 years of my life I have been eating salad with Wishbone Italian dressing. I add Wishbone to romaine lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, and celery, and it is truly a delight. I am freakish in my devotion to this product. Wishbone Italian at my house is directly comparable to crack cocaine and New York in the '80's. My coworkers make fun of me for the bottles I have stored in my desk drawer. When my parents throw parties and make a large salad for everyone prepared with Balsamic Vinagrette, a separate bowl is prepared for me out of respect for my love of Wishbone Italian.
And now you have taken one of my great joys in my life away from me. Don't you understand that you had the perfect recipe? Why would you change it now? It would be okay if these herbs and spices were just enhancing the current deliciousness, but no, they are changing the taste altogether! I cannot stand for this. It is similar to when Coke tried the "new" formula, only on a much greater scale - not because it's affecting more people, but because it's affecting me.
In Wishbone Italian you have ruined all other salad dressings for me. And as Peter Parker's Uncle Owen famously said, "With great power comes great responsibility". Please heed that great man's advice and take responibility for this failure - the more herbs and spices thing was a huge mistake. Now let's move on and get to the business of providing people, and more importantly me, with Italian dressing with the normal amount of herbs and spices.
I wish to add that I have never, ever written a letter to a company before (although if Kraft changes their "Hickory Smoke" BBQ Sauce, I will write another). And sadly, none of what I have written is exaggerated in any way. I hope that you will hear my plea and go back to the regular Italian, because I honestly don't know where I will turn. Paul Newman? Hey, I loved Butch Cassidy as much as the next guy, but he doesn't know one thing about salad dressing.
Unfortunately, your other products are not an option for me. I do not care for the fat free, or the Robusto, or your line of "Just 2 Good!" - in my opinion it's "Just Not That Great". Call me old fashioned or maybe even boring, but plain ole' Italian is plain ole' perfect. Please take pity on me, I'm 30 years old now and can no longer change brands. And as my dad always used to say, "dance with the one that brung you". Well, Wishbone Italian brought me this far, and forever we shall dance.
Thank you,
Irwin Handleman
To Whom It May Concern At Wishbone:
I write to you as a concerned consumer of your Italian salad dressing. Recently, to my great distress, you have replaced your regular Italian dressing with Italian dressing that is now, as stated on the bottle, "NOW Bursting with MORE Herbs and Spices".
My first question is: who asked for more herbs and spices? Cause it wasn't me. I have been enjoying your terrific salad dressing daily for the last 15 years. That's right, just about every day for the last 15 years of my life I have been eating salad with Wishbone Italian dressing. I add Wishbone to romaine lettuce, carrots, cucumbers, and celery, and it is truly a delight. I am freakish in my devotion to this product. Wishbone Italian at my house is directly comparable to crack cocaine and New York in the '80's. My coworkers make fun of me for the bottles I have stored in my desk drawer. When my parents throw parties and make a large salad for everyone prepared with Balsamic Vinagrette, a separate bowl is prepared for me out of respect for my love of Wishbone Italian.
And now you have taken one of my great joys in my life away from me. Don't you understand that you had the perfect recipe? Why would you change it now? It would be okay if these herbs and spices were just enhancing the current deliciousness, but no, they are changing the taste altogether! I cannot stand for this. It is similar to when Coke tried the "new" formula, only on a much greater scale - not because it's affecting more people, but because it's affecting me.
In Wishbone Italian you have ruined all other salad dressings for me. And as Peter Parker's Uncle Owen famously said, "With great power comes great responsibility". Please heed that great man's advice and take responibility for this failure - the more herbs and spices thing was a huge mistake. Now let's move on and get to the business of providing people, and more importantly me, with Italian dressing with the normal amount of herbs and spices.
I wish to add that I have never, ever written a letter to a company before (although if Kraft changes their "Hickory Smoke" BBQ Sauce, I will write another). And sadly, none of what I have written is exaggerated in any way. I hope that you will hear my plea and go back to the regular Italian, because I honestly don't know where I will turn. Paul Newman? Hey, I loved Butch Cassidy as much as the next guy, but he doesn't know one thing about salad dressing.
Unfortunately, your other products are not an option for me. I do not care for the fat free, or the Robusto, or your line of "Just 2 Good!" - in my opinion it's "Just Not That Great". Call me old fashioned or maybe even boring, but plain ole' Italian is plain ole' perfect. Please take pity on me, I'm 30 years old now and can no longer change brands. And as my dad always used to say, "dance with the one that brung you". Well, Wishbone Italian brought me this far, and forever we shall dance.
Thank you,
Irwin Handleman
Saturday, May 27, 2006
I Don't Get It
About 6 years ago, I was watching the American Music Awards and they had a correspondent who was doing interviews backstage. He was out of control. He had way too much energy, and when he would talk to black people he would use a black voice and say things like "My man!!!". It was so painful that when he would come on the screen I would turn the channel because I was so uncomfortable. This guy made Billy Bush look like Tom Brokaw.
And then about a year after that, I saw him on TV as a cohost of a new show. A new, terrible show. A show that had Coke commercials worked into it and was essentially a karaoke jam. It was such a stupid contest that Justin Guarini could finish second in it. And no, the guy I was talking about from the American Music Awards wasn't Bryan Dunkleman, it was Ryan Seacrest. And the show of course, American Idol, is the biggest thing since Kelly Clarkson's head.
I don't get it.
Am I the idiot? Maybe. Maybe not. But let's look at the facts. Besides the unbelievable cheesiness - I literally have never seen a show that tries this hard NOT to be cool - check out the results (and this is based on what I've heard because I haven't really watched the show since season 2): Clay Aiken. Really? He's an American Idol? Rueben Studdard. The only time I hear about this guy is when a late night talk show host wants to make a fat joke. Fantasia Barrino. I sort of know the name, but I don't even know who this person is. She's a girl, right? Um, Bo Bice, Carrie Underwood. An argument against these people being idols isn't really necessary. So what the hell is all the fuss about? Do you people enjoy watching these idiots sing that much? Are "theme nights" really what TV was missing?
I know what you're saying: "But Kelly Clarkson...". Yes, Kelly Clarkson has a career. And she's a good singer. Fine, I'll give you that one. 1 out of 5, that's worse than the "Bachelor" percentage yet I don't hear anyone complaining like they do about that show! But really, Kelly just somehow managed to get herself into the position where the best producers and songwriters are giving her their songs. All she's doing is singing the songs Britney would be singing if she hadn't gone bat shit crazy.
And then there's this season. In what universe is that gray haired dude more of an "idol" then the large breasted LA girl? Don't we already have a Michael McDonald? And wasn't Michael McDonald the running joke of "40 Year Old Virgin"? This show should be taught in history classes, because it just explained why our founding fathers invented the electoral college! You truly cannot trust the masses with these decisions. Speaks a lot for our president doesn't it? America should not be trusted with this stuff. I think we should just go back to the way things used to be and let Lou Pearlman pick our idols...and our presidents.
I am not hating on this show, I am just truly confused. You see, I like to try and figure out what makes shit popular. But I guess there is no logic to it. That's why "According to Jim" is going into it's 7th season. Sometimes America doesn't like cool shows, if it did, "Arrested Development" would be in it's 7th season and Jim Belushi would be on "Celebrity Fit Club" hosted by Ryan Seacrest. My man!!!
And then about a year after that, I saw him on TV as a cohost of a new show. A new, terrible show. A show that had Coke commercials worked into it and was essentially a karaoke jam. It was such a stupid contest that Justin Guarini could finish second in it. And no, the guy I was talking about from the American Music Awards wasn't Bryan Dunkleman, it was Ryan Seacrest. And the show of course, American Idol, is the biggest thing since Kelly Clarkson's head.
I don't get it.
Am I the idiot? Maybe. Maybe not. But let's look at the facts. Besides the unbelievable cheesiness - I literally have never seen a show that tries this hard NOT to be cool - check out the results (and this is based on what I've heard because I haven't really watched the show since season 2): Clay Aiken. Really? He's an American Idol? Rueben Studdard. The only time I hear about this guy is when a late night talk show host wants to make a fat joke. Fantasia Barrino. I sort of know the name, but I don't even know who this person is. She's a girl, right? Um, Bo Bice, Carrie Underwood. An argument against these people being idols isn't really necessary. So what the hell is all the fuss about? Do you people enjoy watching these idiots sing that much? Are "theme nights" really what TV was missing?
I know what you're saying: "But Kelly Clarkson...". Yes, Kelly Clarkson has a career. And she's a good singer. Fine, I'll give you that one. 1 out of 5, that's worse than the "Bachelor" percentage yet I don't hear anyone complaining like they do about that show! But really, Kelly just somehow managed to get herself into the position where the best producers and songwriters are giving her their songs. All she's doing is singing the songs Britney would be singing if she hadn't gone bat shit crazy.
And then there's this season. In what universe is that gray haired dude more of an "idol" then the large breasted LA girl? Don't we already have a Michael McDonald? And wasn't Michael McDonald the running joke of "40 Year Old Virgin"? This show should be taught in history classes, because it just explained why our founding fathers invented the electoral college! You truly cannot trust the masses with these decisions. Speaks a lot for our president doesn't it? America should not be trusted with this stuff. I think we should just go back to the way things used to be and let Lou Pearlman pick our idols...and our presidents.
I am not hating on this show, I am just truly confused. You see, I like to try and figure out what makes shit popular. But I guess there is no logic to it. That's why "According to Jim" is going into it's 7th season. Sometimes America doesn't like cool shows, if it did, "Arrested Development" would be in it's 7th season and Jim Belushi would be on "Celebrity Fit Club" hosted by Ryan Seacrest. My man!!!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
The "Lost" Finale
I have a hard time writing stuff about "Lost" because I'm just simply a fan of the show. I don't have critical/funny things to say because I'm enjoying every minute of it and I'm genuinely surprised by every twist and turn. I don't think that it's a perfect show or above criticism, but it's above my criticism.
It's cool because it's really hard for me to get into loving something these days (and i'm only talking about not being able to love tv and movies, dr. freuds). After film school and the constant dissection of story structure and all that bullshit, plus my own writing, plus working on TV shows (and one crappy movie!), not to mention the US Weekly and InTouch I ready every week, I always think of the production/story/paparazzi stuff that winds up ruining everything for me. This is not to say that I think I'm an expert on any of these things, cause I'm not, it's just when you get these behind the scenes details drilled into you every fricking day, you start not enjoying stuff the way you used to. The magic is dead to me.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that with "Lost", I don't think about that garbage. I don't think about the actors, the location, the gun in the first act that is going to go off in the third, or the fact that Michelle Rodriguez is mostly likely boozed up. And I only very rarely look at Jack and think about Bailey, Julia, and Claudia Salinger.
So, the finale. Loved it. Was in to it the whole way, and thought they did a great job of doing what they always do a great job of doing: answering questions that lead to even more questions. People complain about how the show isn't answering stuff and I think they're wrong, stuff does get answered but not in the "oh, I get it!" way that you want. Which is a good thing, right? I mean if they did that then there would be no more show. That's why I don't understand the complaint, do you want there to be a show or do you just want to know the answers? Cause it's kinda one or the other.
As far as what it all means, I have no idea. There are so many crazy things going on that I can't even count them all. It's hard to believe there could be an explanation for all this shit but I don't really care, I'm enjoying the ride.
All that being said, there were a few things I thought didn't make sense at all in the finale. But usually with these things you just trust that these dudes know what they're doing (like Libby just giving Desmond her boat, that didn't make sense, but i'm pretty sure there's a reason why it happened that way), however, throughout the whole episode I kept yelling "That is a bad plan!" - about the plan to walk right into the ambush. Come on, that was just...a really bad plan! But in the end, who cares about that? It was a cool and fitting finale to an amazing series.
And now it sucks having to wait a whole summer to find out things like...what do the Others want with Jack, Sawyer, and Freckles (yes, I insist on calling her Freckles...shut up), why was Walt more than they bargained for, is my favorite homey Mr. Ecko dead, is Charlie a bad guy now, is evil Michael really rescued and off the show, did Libby work for the bad guys, are the Others good guys...that's a lot of questions, and I didn't even bring up those Russian motherfuckers. Crazy.
To sum up, I'm Lost's bitch, and now I'm bummed there's no more TV for three months. Well, let's look at the bright side: my friend just interviewed for a producer job at "The Bachelor", which means they are bringing back my second favorite show (it's going to be in Rome)! And also, you can always catch new "Mind of Mencia"'s starting in July, which features another big music video I wrote, as well as me in an even gayer, more embarrassing on screen appearance!
It's cool because it's really hard for me to get into loving something these days (and i'm only talking about not being able to love tv and movies, dr. freuds). After film school and the constant dissection of story structure and all that bullshit, plus my own writing, plus working on TV shows (and one crappy movie!), not to mention the US Weekly and InTouch I ready every week, I always think of the production/story/paparazzi stuff that winds up ruining everything for me. This is not to say that I think I'm an expert on any of these things, cause I'm not, it's just when you get these behind the scenes details drilled into you every fricking day, you start not enjoying stuff the way you used to. The magic is dead to me.
Anyway, what I'm saying is that with "Lost", I don't think about that garbage. I don't think about the actors, the location, the gun in the first act that is going to go off in the third, or the fact that Michelle Rodriguez is mostly likely boozed up. And I only very rarely look at Jack and think about Bailey, Julia, and Claudia Salinger.
So, the finale. Loved it. Was in to it the whole way, and thought they did a great job of doing what they always do a great job of doing: answering questions that lead to even more questions. People complain about how the show isn't answering stuff and I think they're wrong, stuff does get answered but not in the "oh, I get it!" way that you want. Which is a good thing, right? I mean if they did that then there would be no more show. That's why I don't understand the complaint, do you want there to be a show or do you just want to know the answers? Cause it's kinda one or the other.
As far as what it all means, I have no idea. There are so many crazy things going on that I can't even count them all. It's hard to believe there could be an explanation for all this shit but I don't really care, I'm enjoying the ride.
All that being said, there were a few things I thought didn't make sense at all in the finale. But usually with these things you just trust that these dudes know what they're doing (like Libby just giving Desmond her boat, that didn't make sense, but i'm pretty sure there's a reason why it happened that way), however, throughout the whole episode I kept yelling "That is a bad plan!" - about the plan to walk right into the ambush. Come on, that was just...a really bad plan! But in the end, who cares about that? It was a cool and fitting finale to an amazing series.
And now it sucks having to wait a whole summer to find out things like...what do the Others want with Jack, Sawyer, and Freckles (yes, I insist on calling her Freckles...shut up), why was Walt more than they bargained for, is my favorite homey Mr. Ecko dead, is Charlie a bad guy now, is evil Michael really rescued and off the show, did Libby work for the bad guys, are the Others good guys...that's a lot of questions, and I didn't even bring up those Russian motherfuckers. Crazy.
To sum up, I'm Lost's bitch, and now I'm bummed there's no more TV for three months. Well, let's look at the bright side: my friend just interviewed for a producer job at "The Bachelor", which means they are bringing back my second favorite show (it's going to be in Rome)! And also, you can always catch new "Mind of Mencia"'s starting in July, which features another big music video I wrote, as well as me in an even gayer, more embarrassing on screen appearance!
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
One Last Mischa Thing and Then I'm Done. I Promise.
Every time I think I’m out, she pulls me back in…
I came across this in Newsweek, and since she’s about to fall off the face of the Earth, I couldn’t resist one last chance to make fun of her. (This is a real interview transcript, I didn’t make it up)
NEWSWEEK: I wanted to offer my condolences.
MISCHA BARTON: Well, I was really excited that I get to die, to be honest. I've done pretty much everything else with the character. It was better than one of those lame farewells.
Okay, first of all: “I’ve done pretty much else with the character”. And by that she means I’ve given her my wooden way of talking. And “better than one of those lame farewells”, you mean the kind of farewells where they actually make sense and are enjoyable television? Yeah, thank God you avoided that.
Will you ever return in a dream sequence?
Oh, God. I hope not. That would be cheesy.
You know what else is cheesy? Everything you’ve ever done in your life (besides “The Sixth Sense”).
Was it your decision to leave the show?
No. It was the producers'. But I really think it's best to do movies now. I was also thinking of spending a month in London, living there and taking a course in acting.
Ha! That last sentence is the sole reason I stated up top that I wasn’t making this up! Finally, Mischa has a good idea. I feel bad for the acting teacher. As my dad always says, you can’t make chicken soup out of chicken shit. And by the way, if she’s such a big movie star, why would the producers want her off the show?
But you're already an actress.
Sometimes it's nice to go back to your roots.
EDITOR’S NOTE: She’s not talking about her hair.
Your voice sounds deeper than it does on TV. I have a general transatlantic accent, I suppose. I'm nothing like my character. Are you kidding? I was born in London, raised in New York. She's crazy. I don't understand how anybody could be like her.
Did she say “I don’t understand how anybody could like her”? Cause that I agree with.
You're in New York for the day. Will you go shopping?
I shop very sporadically. I wouldn't say it's a hobby of mine. I also get given a lot of stuff. I'm lucky to be me, I suppose. [To someone in the room] Careful. I have a dog. Please don't let her out.
Who are you talking to?
Room service. I'm in a hotel right now, and I have the puppy with me.
Are you going to walk her?
Yes. She's never seen SoHo or Tribeca, and I grew up there, so I feel it's necessary. But it's horrible, because she's way too little to put down. I have to walk around with her in my arms, and I look like one of those girls who has a small dog.
I love the “I feel it’s necessary” to take the dog to SoHo cause she’s never been there. This is like the perfect storm of everything I hate: insane dog owners and Mischa Barton.
Also, you look like one of those girls who has a small dog? Uh, doesn’t that mean you are one of those girls who has a small dog? That’s like me saying that I'm not gay but I just love to suck some dick. You are one of those girls, bitch!
Okay, I’m done. Let’s move on to “Lost” tonight!!!
I came across this in Newsweek, and since she’s about to fall off the face of the Earth, I couldn’t resist one last chance to make fun of her. (This is a real interview transcript, I didn’t make it up)
NEWSWEEK: I wanted to offer my condolences.
MISCHA BARTON: Well, I was really excited that I get to die, to be honest. I've done pretty much everything else with the character. It was better than one of those lame farewells.
Okay, first of all: “I’ve done pretty much else with the character”. And by that she means I’ve given her my wooden way of talking. And “better than one of those lame farewells”, you mean the kind of farewells where they actually make sense and are enjoyable television? Yeah, thank God you avoided that.
Will you ever return in a dream sequence?
Oh, God. I hope not. That would be cheesy.
You know what else is cheesy? Everything you’ve ever done in your life (besides “The Sixth Sense”).
Was it your decision to leave the show?
No. It was the producers'. But I really think it's best to do movies now. I was also thinking of spending a month in London, living there and taking a course in acting.
Ha! That last sentence is the sole reason I stated up top that I wasn’t making this up! Finally, Mischa has a good idea. I feel bad for the acting teacher. As my dad always says, you can’t make chicken soup out of chicken shit. And by the way, if she’s such a big movie star, why would the producers want her off the show?
But you're already an actress.
Sometimes it's nice to go back to your roots.
EDITOR’S NOTE: She’s not talking about her hair.
Your voice sounds deeper than it does on TV. I have a general transatlantic accent, I suppose. I'm nothing like my character. Are you kidding? I was born in London, raised in New York. She's crazy. I don't understand how anybody could be like her.
Did she say “I don’t understand how anybody could like her”? Cause that I agree with.
You're in New York for the day. Will you go shopping?
I shop very sporadically. I wouldn't say it's a hobby of mine. I also get given a lot of stuff. I'm lucky to be me, I suppose. [To someone in the room] Careful. I have a dog. Please don't let her out.
Who are you talking to?
Room service. I'm in a hotel right now, and I have the puppy with me.
Are you going to walk her?
Yes. She's never seen SoHo or Tribeca, and I grew up there, so I feel it's necessary. But it's horrible, because she's way too little to put down. I have to walk around with her in my arms, and I look like one of those girls who has a small dog.
I love the “I feel it’s necessary” to take the dog to SoHo cause she’s never been there. This is like the perfect storm of everything I hate: insane dog owners and Mischa Barton.
Also, you look like one of those girls who has a small dog? Uh, doesn’t that mean you are one of those girls who has a small dog? That’s like me saying that I'm not gay but I just love to suck some dick. You are one of those girls, bitch!
Okay, I’m done. Let’s move on to “Lost” tonight!!!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Footloose
I watched "Footloose" the other day. I love that movie. 2 thoughts:
1. I think I have the answer as to why Lori Singer never became a superstar. It lies right in her IMDB page where it says: Height: 5'10 1/2". Seriously, you might as well just pack in your leading lady status when you're that height, it's over for you. You know she had to be up for parts opposite Tom Cruise in the '80's and then they got in the same room together and it looked like Snow White and the Gay Dwarf. Much like height cost me my NBA career and countless women, height cost her Sandra Bullock status.
2. How pissed was Ren after the prom? He's like, I just spent my whole time in this fucked up town fighting with Lithgow and the school bully over dancing, and there's multiple break dancers here! Where the hell were these guys when I was dancing all by myself in that wherehouse? I could've used the tips! And where were you when I was quoting the Bible to the town council? Thanks for having my back, dicks.
1. I think I have the answer as to why Lori Singer never became a superstar. It lies right in her IMDB page where it says: Height: 5'10 1/2". Seriously, you might as well just pack in your leading lady status when you're that height, it's over for you. You know she had to be up for parts opposite Tom Cruise in the '80's and then they got in the same room together and it looked like Snow White and the Gay Dwarf. Much like height cost me my NBA career and countless women, height cost her Sandra Bullock status.
2. How pissed was Ren after the prom? He's like, I just spent my whole time in this fucked up town fighting with Lithgow and the school bully over dancing, and there's multiple break dancers here! Where the hell were these guys when I was dancing all by myself in that wherehouse? I could've used the tips! And where were you when I was quoting the Bible to the town council? Thanks for having my back, dicks.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
The O.C. is still dead, and now so is Marissa Cooper
As we all know, the O.C. died a long while back. True, it pretends to still be alive on FOX every Thursday, but that is not the O.C. we once knew. That is something different. Something horrible. In fact, I can't think of any other show in history that spun it's first 6 really good episodes into 50 episodes of worse garbage than the O.C. Many of us held on to "Welcome to the OC, bitch!" for the last few years hoping that glory would return. It never did. Honestly, we should've known the show was dead as soon as Oliver showed up and Luke left. What I'm trying to say is, I buried this national tragedy 8 months ago and haven't looked back.
However, a new development has emerged. I heard whisperings that Mischa Barton, poor, untalented Mischa, was going to be killed on the season finale. As you know, when the show was good, Mischa's Marissa Cooper was the craptastic character we overlooked as we loved what we believed to be the next 90210. And then when the show got bad, "Coop" was the worst part of a terrible series. So this news was something encouraging, and I started to hope that much like Jesus, the O.C. would rise from the dead and be the messiah we once believed it to be.
So I did something I vowed never to do again: I watched the O.C. I've thrown out a lot of Mischa hate here, and I've prayed for the death of Marissa Cooper on many a night. So this was kinda like a dream come true, and I just had to see it happen.
On a side note: Mischa's character was killed off because she reportedly wanted to leave the show to focus "on her movie career". Holy fuck. Her movie career? Is that supposed to be a joke? Mischa, honey, you know to be in movies you have to actually act and stuff. Movies are weird like that. And let me officially be the first compare this maneuver to the career strategies of Shelley Long, Luke Perry, and Julianna Marguiles. Seriously though, that drives me insane. Why would anyone put her in a movie? Do they not watch the show? Do movie producers just read US Weekly and throw those people into movies? Cause sometimes we just like to see those people in magazines to make fun of their unattractive boyfriends and gangly bodies, but we don't really want to see them on a giant screen "acting".
I watched the show, eagerly awaiting the extinction of "Coop". But something weird happened. I got sad. No, not because I have the maturity level of a 3rd grader and my hate of Mischa is really how I show love, no, I do have the maturity level of a 3rd grader but my hate is just more hate. I got sad because I forgot how embarrassingly bad this show has become. The episode was shit. Really stinky, smelly shit. It's so sad, because it used to be so cool. Plus, Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson and Peter Gallagher and even Ryan Atwood are really good. It's just...the writing. These people do not know what they are doing and it is so fricking frustrating. They don't know how to make dramatic moments without using a punch in the face or a 17 year old dying. Take a lesson from 90210, sometimes good drama is just Steve Sanders meeting some hot girls who are using him to steal his Corvette.
But let's get to the death. First of all, how many kids have died or been shot or overdosed at this high school in the last 6 months? Aren't the authorities concerned? Secondly, a car accident? I haven't seen a death that clever since Mitch Leery dropped his ice cream cone in his car and drove straight into oncoming traffic on Dawson's Creek. That's the best you could do? And third, as someone on the internet wrote, couldn't they have not killed her and next season just have characters randomly say "I got a postcard from Coop, she's doing great!" That's hilarious, and better than forcing yet another death on the show.
But the biggest reason that I was sad was because it was a total bastardization of not just the show, but TV in general. Let me explain. The whole reason TV shows like this are enjoyable is the suspension of disbelief. On some level, we think that we are watching real people in real situations. That's what draws us in. And the moment that realness is taken away, it's no longer fun to watch because if it's not real then we have no stakes in what's going on with the characters. Sure, you can kill people off every week, but at a certain point, we stop caring because there's no way in hell that this is what it's like for a group of affluent people living in Orange County. Killing her off was like a Ryan Atwood punch in the face telling us - this is all bullshit.
So instead of enjoying watching Mischa eat it, I got sad. For the show. The only thing that made me feel better was thinking about how Mischa thinks she's going to have a film career. Now that's real. Real funny.
However, a new development has emerged. I heard whisperings that Mischa Barton, poor, untalented Mischa, was going to be killed on the season finale. As you know, when the show was good, Mischa's Marissa Cooper was the craptastic character we overlooked as we loved what we believed to be the next 90210. And then when the show got bad, "Coop" was the worst part of a terrible series. So this news was something encouraging, and I started to hope that much like Jesus, the O.C. would rise from the dead and be the messiah we once believed it to be.
So I did something I vowed never to do again: I watched the O.C. I've thrown out a lot of Mischa hate here, and I've prayed for the death of Marissa Cooper on many a night. So this was kinda like a dream come true, and I just had to see it happen.
On a side note: Mischa's character was killed off because she reportedly wanted to leave the show to focus "on her movie career". Holy fuck. Her movie career? Is that supposed to be a joke? Mischa, honey, you know to be in movies you have to actually act and stuff. Movies are weird like that. And let me officially be the first compare this maneuver to the career strategies of Shelley Long, Luke Perry, and Julianna Marguiles. Seriously though, that drives me insane. Why would anyone put her in a movie? Do they not watch the show? Do movie producers just read US Weekly and throw those people into movies? Cause sometimes we just like to see those people in magazines to make fun of their unattractive boyfriends and gangly bodies, but we don't really want to see them on a giant screen "acting".
I watched the show, eagerly awaiting the extinction of "Coop". But something weird happened. I got sad. No, not because I have the maturity level of a 3rd grader and my hate of Mischa is really how I show love, no, I do have the maturity level of a 3rd grader but my hate is just more hate. I got sad because I forgot how embarrassingly bad this show has become. The episode was shit. Really stinky, smelly shit. It's so sad, because it used to be so cool. Plus, Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson and Peter Gallagher and even Ryan Atwood are really good. It's just...the writing. These people do not know what they are doing and it is so fricking frustrating. They don't know how to make dramatic moments without using a punch in the face or a 17 year old dying. Take a lesson from 90210, sometimes good drama is just Steve Sanders meeting some hot girls who are using him to steal his Corvette.
But let's get to the death. First of all, how many kids have died or been shot or overdosed at this high school in the last 6 months? Aren't the authorities concerned? Secondly, a car accident? I haven't seen a death that clever since Mitch Leery dropped his ice cream cone in his car and drove straight into oncoming traffic on Dawson's Creek. That's the best you could do? And third, as someone on the internet wrote, couldn't they have not killed her and next season just have characters randomly say "I got a postcard from Coop, she's doing great!" That's hilarious, and better than forcing yet another death on the show.
But the biggest reason that I was sad was because it was a total bastardization of not just the show, but TV in general. Let me explain. The whole reason TV shows like this are enjoyable is the suspension of disbelief. On some level, we think that we are watching real people in real situations. That's what draws us in. And the moment that realness is taken away, it's no longer fun to watch because if it's not real then we have no stakes in what's going on with the characters. Sure, you can kill people off every week, but at a certain point, we stop caring because there's no way in hell that this is what it's like for a group of affluent people living in Orange County. Killing her off was like a Ryan Atwood punch in the face telling us - this is all bullshit.
So instead of enjoying watching Mischa eat it, I got sad. For the show. The only thing that made me feel better was thinking about how Mischa thinks she's going to have a film career. Now that's real. Real funny.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Maxim's 100 Hot? List
Maxim has once again released their “Hot 100” list, which lists the 100 hottest women in entertainment. For some reason, I always get enraged when this list comes out because there is usually someone on there who I despise, or because the order makes no sense, and also because I always wonder who the hell is making this list. Upon entering my career in Hollywood, I quickly learned that the people who make shit up like this are just idiot douchebags like me.
Well this year, I decided to focus my anger and actually do some investigating to figure this whole thing out. It turns out that the Maxim Hot 100 isn’t necessarily the hottest (looking) women, it is according to Maxim: “the most successful women of the year in film, television, music, sports and fashion.” Okay, that’s a direct quote, and we all know it’s total bullshit. I guess they are too afraid to piss off the ladies by saying that they are judging these girls on their physical beauty, but of course we all know that is what they are doing.
I also discovered that it isn’t the Maxim readers who pick the list (as I thought), but it’s actually the Maxim Editors who are “given the daunting task of selecting which of these women will keep people talking throughout the next year.” Yeah, that’s a real daunting task, fellas. The AIDS workers in Africa feel real sorry for you. And by the way, that’s yet another definition of what they are looking for – “women who will keep people talking”, just say it's the best looking girls, you fucking liars!
As for the list...the first thing that stands out is the fact that Eva Longoria is number 1, for the second year in a row. Eva Longoria? Really? She’s the hottest woman in entertainment? She’s the one who’s going to keep people talking? She’s the most successful? She strikes out in all 3 of the definitions! We all know that I am a lover of the small, brown women, and she’s not even in my top 20! Come on, if you went out on the street, do you think you would find even one person to say that Eva Longoria is hotter than Angelina Jolie in any respect? I think not.
And another thing that renders this list bogus to me is that Nick Lachey and Wilmer Valderrama have fucked half the top 15! How good can these girls be? If you’re fucking Valderrama, that’s gotta move you down like 20 spots, 15 for Nick.
On the plus side, Jolie, Jessica Alba, and Christina Milian are all in the top ten. Once again proving my theory, mixed chicks are hot.
How about some random questionable calls:
Christina Aguilera #16? Ahead of Rachel McAdams? I agree she beats out the competition for goofiest husband, fakest boobs, and reddist lipstick, but I didn’t see those in the criteria.
Cindy Crawford is #26. 1992 called…you know the rest. (by the way, my friend at work says that he saw an interview with David Spade where Spade said that he invented that joke. Wow, that’s kinda like how Magic Johnson invented the high five in 1979 by inexplicably slapping a guy’s hand for no reason)
Uma Thurman is #30, I don’t think I’ve ever fully ranted about my disbelief in the notion that Uma Thurman is somehow attractive. Just like Nicole Kidman, you will never find a man who has ever had a sexual fantasy about her. Ever.
Emmanuelle Chriqui #37!!!
There’s a double whammy at #48 and #49 – Nicolette Sheridan and Brittany Murphy. Nicolette Sheridan is just insane, but let's discuss Brittany. Look media, just because a young actress stars in some stuff, doesn't mean she's "good looking". Maybe she's just a role actress or maybe she's just really good, but it doesn't always mean that she's pretty. Even she knows this! But I don't care if she's 50 pounds, still not cute.
The back 50 gets funny, because there's a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of. Moon Bloodgood, anybody? Joanna Krupa? Autumn Ressa? Emilie de Ravin, Sarah Shahi, Cinthia Moura? At #97 are the “FSU Cowgirls”.
I felt compelled to mention all of these semi-unknown women because at #99 sits a young lady by the name of “Jennifer Aniston”. Thus, we are to conclude from Maxim, that Jennifer Aniston is less good looking, will be less talked about in the future, and less successful than those girls, plus MySpace legend Tila Tequila. Ouch.
I haven’t even got to the worst parts yet. The first of which is Kelly Clarkson at #69. Okay, just the mere fact that thinking about Kelly Clarkson and the number 69 makes me want to puke should disqualify her from the list altogether. But come on, in any universe, is Kelly Clarkson “hotter” than Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz, Carmen Electra, or Elisha Cuthbert? If she’s #69, than me in a wig would have to be #68.
And finally, something that so completely renders this list obsolete that it is pointless to talk about any further:
Mischa Barton, #22.
Well this year, I decided to focus my anger and actually do some investigating to figure this whole thing out. It turns out that the Maxim Hot 100 isn’t necessarily the hottest (looking) women, it is according to Maxim: “the most successful women of the year in film, television, music, sports and fashion.” Okay, that’s a direct quote, and we all know it’s total bullshit. I guess they are too afraid to piss off the ladies by saying that they are judging these girls on their physical beauty, but of course we all know that is what they are doing.
I also discovered that it isn’t the Maxim readers who pick the list (as I thought), but it’s actually the Maxim Editors who are “given the daunting task of selecting which of these women will keep people talking throughout the next year.” Yeah, that’s a real daunting task, fellas. The AIDS workers in Africa feel real sorry for you. And by the way, that’s yet another definition of what they are looking for – “women who will keep people talking”, just say it's the best looking girls, you fucking liars!
As for the list...the first thing that stands out is the fact that Eva Longoria is number 1, for the second year in a row. Eva Longoria? Really? She’s the hottest woman in entertainment? She’s the one who’s going to keep people talking? She’s the most successful? She strikes out in all 3 of the definitions! We all know that I am a lover of the small, brown women, and she’s not even in my top 20! Come on, if you went out on the street, do you think you would find even one person to say that Eva Longoria is hotter than Angelina Jolie in any respect? I think not.
And another thing that renders this list bogus to me is that Nick Lachey and Wilmer Valderrama have fucked half the top 15! How good can these girls be? If you’re fucking Valderrama, that’s gotta move you down like 20 spots, 15 for Nick.
On the plus side, Jolie, Jessica Alba, and Christina Milian are all in the top ten. Once again proving my theory, mixed chicks are hot.
How about some random questionable calls:
Christina Aguilera #16? Ahead of Rachel McAdams? I agree she beats out the competition for goofiest husband, fakest boobs, and reddist lipstick, but I didn’t see those in the criteria.
Cindy Crawford is #26. 1992 called…you know the rest. (by the way, my friend at work says that he saw an interview with David Spade where Spade said that he invented that joke. Wow, that’s kinda like how Magic Johnson invented the high five in 1979 by inexplicably slapping a guy’s hand for no reason)
Uma Thurman is #30, I don’t think I’ve ever fully ranted about my disbelief in the notion that Uma Thurman is somehow attractive. Just like Nicole Kidman, you will never find a man who has ever had a sexual fantasy about her. Ever.
Emmanuelle Chriqui #37!!!
There’s a double whammy at #48 and #49 – Nicolette Sheridan and Brittany Murphy. Nicolette Sheridan is just insane, but let's discuss Brittany. Look media, just because a young actress stars in some stuff, doesn't mean she's "good looking". Maybe she's just a role actress or maybe she's just really good, but it doesn't always mean that she's pretty. Even she knows this! But I don't care if she's 50 pounds, still not cute.
The back 50 gets funny, because there's a bunch of people no one’s ever heard of. Moon Bloodgood, anybody? Joanna Krupa? Autumn Ressa? Emilie de Ravin, Sarah Shahi, Cinthia Moura? At #97 are the “FSU Cowgirls”.
I felt compelled to mention all of these semi-unknown women because at #99 sits a young lady by the name of “Jennifer Aniston”. Thus, we are to conclude from Maxim, that Jennifer Aniston is less good looking, will be less talked about in the future, and less successful than those girls, plus MySpace legend Tila Tequila. Ouch.
I haven’t even got to the worst parts yet. The first of which is Kelly Clarkson at #69. Okay, just the mere fact that thinking about Kelly Clarkson and the number 69 makes me want to puke should disqualify her from the list altogether. But come on, in any universe, is Kelly Clarkson “hotter” than Halle Berry, Penelope Cruz, Carmen Electra, or Elisha Cuthbert? If she’s #69, than me in a wig would have to be #68.
And finally, something that so completely renders this list obsolete that it is pointless to talk about any further:
Mischa Barton, #22.
Monday, May 15, 2006
The McFinale of McGrey's McAnatomy
First of all, I've been sort of amazed by the success of "Grey's Anatomy". Not because it isn't a good show, I think it is, but because it seems to be sending out some sort of crazy subliminal message to women. And that subliminal message is: "Females must be obsessed with this show!". Message received. It's like every girl I've been around or met in the past year, every single one of them, has mentioned their love of this freaking show.
So I turned to my crack staff here at Handleman Industries to try and come up with an answer for women's overwhelming love/obsession of this show. And after months and months of intense research, my team has finally come up with the answer. And it is thus:
The women on the show aren't that cute.
Thanks to the Handleman staff for their due diligence in this matter. And you should listen to them because they are never wrong. The women on "Grey's Anatomy" aren't that cute. Yes, they're cute (except for that darned Asian one), but they are just cute enough to be liked by women and not cute enough to be hated by women. And as every season of "The Bachelor" has proven, that is an important recipe for success with the ladies. There's nothing women hate more than a smokin' hot chick (WRITER'S NOTE: I'd like to add here that my crack staff has also found that women hate when I talk about women this way, and it is the most likely reason that Pamie has a kajillion more readers than I do. But I feel the need to keep it real...real sexist (just kidding, I hope)) .
Seriously, has there ever been a less hot hot chick than Ellen Pompeo? And this is with the best makeup artist's the world has to offer. Does she cry for 2 hours every morning before she goes on set? At this rate, she's going to look like Renee Zellweger's older more squinty sister by season 3. It's very confusing.
But I digress with my lady hating, the fact is, it is a very good series. Overrall, I think it's been a really solid season for the show. To me, the first season (and the first part of this year) was amazing, and then at some point this year it just sort of went into a nice, solid routine. However, I thought the episode on Sunday was terrific.
But ABC really screwed the pooch with the programming. Why all of the sudden would you put the show on Monday? And why show the 2 hour finale a day after an hour long episode? It makes no sense. Build some anticipation, guys. I mean, I like the show, but I needed a week to digest that Sunday episode and I didn't get it. Plus, 3 hours of this shit? That's a lot of anything, and sometimes more isn't better. My sister had this friend a long time ago who once famously said: "I like U2, but they're putting out too much music lately." My sister was so appalled by this guy, if you like U2, how could they be making too much music? But now I kinda understand what that dude was talking about. I like "Grey's Anatomy", but 3 hours in 24 hours? Give it a rest.
SPOILERS AHEAD
Nevertheless, I was entertained and it was quality TV. I enjoy a good love triangle as much as the next (gay) guy. Although Addison as the third point of that triangle is very weak. I mean, even with Pompeo's troubling face Addison isn't much competition. She's just so...asexual. Or maybe she's just annoying, I don't know, but my point is that she's hardly a threat. The acting was good, the twists and turns were nice, though extremely hard to believe (they would have to all be fired, right?).
The ending was hilarious to me, you know why? Because of that damned dog. They did the whole bit with their dog dying (what wife would stand for their husband to be sharing a pet with a woman he used to have sex with and you suspect is still in love with?), and then the end came, and it was like the writers were calling Ellen Pompeo a dog. There she was, standing in the middle of her two "owners" as they were calling to her, "Here, Meredith! Here, girl!" And she looked at one, then the other, practically sticking out her tongue as she wondered which one to go to. And she looked so flustered and confused and...unattractive, that I guarantee you every woman that I know LOVED IT!
So I turned to my crack staff here at Handleman Industries to try and come up with an answer for women's overwhelming love/obsession of this show. And after months and months of intense research, my team has finally come up with the answer. And it is thus:
The women on the show aren't that cute.
Thanks to the Handleman staff for their due diligence in this matter. And you should listen to them because they are never wrong. The women on "Grey's Anatomy" aren't that cute. Yes, they're cute (except for that darned Asian one), but they are just cute enough to be liked by women and not cute enough to be hated by women. And as every season of "The Bachelor" has proven, that is an important recipe for success with the ladies. There's nothing women hate more than a smokin' hot chick (WRITER'S NOTE: I'd like to add here that my crack staff has also found that women hate when I talk about women this way, and it is the most likely reason that Pamie has a kajillion more readers than I do. But I feel the need to keep it real...real sexist (just kidding, I hope)) .
Seriously, has there ever been a less hot hot chick than Ellen Pompeo? And this is with the best makeup artist's the world has to offer. Does she cry for 2 hours every morning before she goes on set? At this rate, she's going to look like Renee Zellweger's older more squinty sister by season 3. It's very confusing.
But I digress with my lady hating, the fact is, it is a very good series. Overrall, I think it's been a really solid season for the show. To me, the first season (and the first part of this year) was amazing, and then at some point this year it just sort of went into a nice, solid routine. However, I thought the episode on Sunday was terrific.
But ABC really screwed the pooch with the programming. Why all of the sudden would you put the show on Monday? And why show the 2 hour finale a day after an hour long episode? It makes no sense. Build some anticipation, guys. I mean, I like the show, but I needed a week to digest that Sunday episode and I didn't get it. Plus, 3 hours of this shit? That's a lot of anything, and sometimes more isn't better. My sister had this friend a long time ago who once famously said: "I like U2, but they're putting out too much music lately." My sister was so appalled by this guy, if you like U2, how could they be making too much music? But now I kinda understand what that dude was talking about. I like "Grey's Anatomy", but 3 hours in 24 hours? Give it a rest.
SPOILERS AHEAD
Nevertheless, I was entertained and it was quality TV. I enjoy a good love triangle as much as the next (gay) guy. Although Addison as the third point of that triangle is very weak. I mean, even with Pompeo's troubling face Addison isn't much competition. She's just so...asexual. Or maybe she's just annoying, I don't know, but my point is that she's hardly a threat. The acting was good, the twists and turns were nice, though extremely hard to believe (they would have to all be fired, right?).
The ending was hilarious to me, you know why? Because of that damned dog. They did the whole bit with their dog dying (what wife would stand for their husband to be sharing a pet with a woman he used to have sex with and you suspect is still in love with?), and then the end came, and it was like the writers were calling Ellen Pompeo a dog. There she was, standing in the middle of her two "owners" as they were calling to her, "Here, Meredith! Here, girl!" And she looked at one, then the other, practically sticking out her tongue as she wondered which one to go to. And she looked so flustered and confused and...unattractive, that I guarantee you every woman that I know LOVED IT!
Sunday, May 14, 2006
A Final Insult
I went to have a poster of "In the Mix" framed (don't ask), and I unrolled it so the lady at the counter could measure it. She took out her tape measure and then noticed Usher's smiling face on the poster. She stopped and said: "Usher...what happened to him?" I really can't do justice to the way she said it, but it was so earnest - she really did want to know what happened to that poor bastard Usher. It was like she was looking at a guy who had his face melted off in a fire, "what happened to him?"
I laughed, a broken laugh, and said sadly "That's what I'd like to know."
I unrolled it a little further and she noticed something else. She said "Oh! This is an autographed piece!" She seemed impress by this, so I didn't mention the fact that the poster was signed by none other than Irwin Handleman.
I laughed, a broken laugh, and said sadly "That's what I'd like to know."
I unrolled it a little further and she noticed something else. She said "Oh! This is an autographed piece!" She seemed impress by this, so I didn't mention the fact that the poster was signed by none other than Irwin Handleman.
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Ashlee Simpson's New Nose
This is all I can think about this week. I seriously will not stop talking about it and Pamie is getting pissed. I'm obsessed with Ashlee Simpson's new nose. There are so many things about it that are crazy, the first of which is how fricking good it looks! Who knew she was a nose away from hot? Now she's just a voice and a charisma away from being someone interesting. Oh, I fucking hate her. That nose is trying to reach out and unzip my pants and make me like her, but I'm resisting. She's still her, and no amount of hot can change that. But anyway, let's get to the other interesting/crazy things about this.
So...is she going to admit this? Is she just going to pretend like nothing has changed? That's like Brad Pitt going to my house for christmas and saying he's me and then acting like my family's insane for even questioning it. "What? It's me, Irwin! Yes, I've always been this hot, I'm just doing my hair different." No, this is unacceptable. If the good people at US Weekly don't beat a confession out of her, I am going to be upset. This is a nose job of Jennifer Grey proportions! It's actually worse, because of all the magazines and TV shows and all of that shit we have now. Plus Grey had that nose job after Dirty Dancing and then disappeared for 5 years. This girl has been photographed 5 million times and is at or near the height of her incomprehensible popularity and now is just showing up one day with a different face! How is this not the top news story? "A horrible singer gets a new hot face! But she still sucks, news at 11."
Okay, also what I love about this, is what the nose says. I'm like a Mexican with a Virgin Mary tortilla with this chick's nose, cause I don't just see nose. I see a big sign that reads: "Not as pretty as my sister". She is so bummed about being Jessica's sister that she wants to kill herself, or at least, chop off her ugly nose. And yet, without Jessica she would be just another talentless mess with a psycho father. The fact that Jessica is responsible for her life must make her as depressed as her existence makes us.
Oh, I love it! This is my new Richards/Locklear. And how good is that surgeon? This guy is a genius. He did what no one else on the entire planet has been able to do: make Ashlee Simpson less horrible. Now if only he could give her a new personality, she might really have something.
So...is she going to admit this? Is she just going to pretend like nothing has changed? That's like Brad Pitt going to my house for christmas and saying he's me and then acting like my family's insane for even questioning it. "What? It's me, Irwin! Yes, I've always been this hot, I'm just doing my hair different." No, this is unacceptable. If the good people at US Weekly don't beat a confession out of her, I am going to be upset. This is a nose job of Jennifer Grey proportions! It's actually worse, because of all the magazines and TV shows and all of that shit we have now. Plus Grey had that nose job after Dirty Dancing and then disappeared for 5 years. This girl has been photographed 5 million times and is at or near the height of her incomprehensible popularity and now is just showing up one day with a different face! How is this not the top news story? "A horrible singer gets a new hot face! But she still sucks, news at 11."
Okay, also what I love about this, is what the nose says. I'm like a Mexican with a Virgin Mary tortilla with this chick's nose, cause I don't just see nose. I see a big sign that reads: "Not as pretty as my sister". She is so bummed about being Jessica's sister that she wants to kill herself, or at least, chop off her ugly nose. And yet, without Jessica she would be just another talentless mess with a psycho father. The fact that Jessica is responsible for her life must make her as depressed as her existence makes us.
Oh, I love it! This is my new Richards/Locklear. And how good is that surgeon? This guy is a genius. He did what no one else on the entire planet has been able to do: make Ashlee Simpson less horrible. Now if only he could give her a new personality, she might really have something.
Monday, May 08, 2006
The Last 4 Days: From Midgets to Groupies to Fat Black Women
My thirties are off to a wild and wacky start:
THURSDAY
So I wrote another song, but this one isn’t a parody of a real song. This time it is original and full length, with 3 verses and a chorus, etc. It was a bit of a spoof of rap videos, so we got to shoot it at a ridiculously opulent mansion near Brentwood, complete with booty girls. The house next door belonged to Ben Affleck, or as the mailman calls it “The place where we deliver the horrible scripts”.
It was a long day of shooting. But I did get to see girls with fake boobs get sprayed with a hose, a midget painted in silver hanging from a pole (you’ll have to see the video), and a midget humping the legs of the girls with fake boobs. This is my job, folks.
The shoot went well and hopefully the video will be hilarious. We haven’t started editing it together yet, but I mean come on, how can you go wrong with boobs and midgets? The answer is you can’t.
I told the fake boob girls I wrote “In The Mix”, they never heard of it and weren’t willing to sink that low (and by “that low” I mean, “blowing the guy who wrote “in the mix”) to be on the show again.
FRIDAY
We worked until 11:30pm. It sucked.
SATURDAY
At the video shoot, Carlos told me that he was doing two shows in Reno and asked if I wanted to go. So I flew to Reno on Saturday. However, he left out one major thing that would’ve kept me from the trip altogether: our flight was on a propeller plane. A propeller plane!
My fear of flying is well documented here, but a prop plane? Over the Sierra Nevadas? I don’t love comedy that much.
Well, I made it there. And upon getting into Reno’s Airport I saw a dude with a sign: “Handleman”, now this is what I’m talking about. He took me to a limo which then took me to the hotel and casino where I’d be staying. Apparently, Reno is the only place in America where I’m not treated like an asshole.
While striding to the VIP check in at the hotel, the best and worst thing about Reno hit me square in the face. The best thing: I was the best looking guy in the city! The worst thing: The guys in Reno may be funny looking, but so are the girls. Bummer.
I went to the show and the crowd was amazing. Afterward, literally every single person who watched the show lined up and waited for hours to get Carlos’ autograph. It was crazy, and really cool to see. This is how insane these people were: two girls took pictures with me! I guess that “gay slave” bit is paying dividends after all.
After the show, Carlos was trying to hook me up with some of his lady fans, because a) he’s a good like that, b) he sure as hell wasn’t going to hook up with them, and c) he likes to create awkward situations and then sit back and enjoy them. Well, he got the awkwardness, but I didn’t get the ladies. You know why? Because this is how my conversations with the groupies went:
ME:
So…where are you ladies from?
GROUPIES:
Is Carlos coming back soon?
ME
Uh, I don’t know. So anyway, how’s it going?
GROUPIES
What’s Carlos like to hang out with?
ME
He’s not as funny off stage. I’m the real mastermind behind the act.
GROUPIES
Is Carlos always this quiet? I thought I would get to like, chit chat with him.
ME
You can chit chat with me.
GROUPIES
Ew.
SUNDAY
I basically didn’t go to bed Saturday night (it took me awhile to realize the Groupies were never going to happen for me), and then flew back to LA Sunday morning. As I was leaving the plane, a guy came up to me and said “hey, you write for Carlos?” And I’m like, yeah, and he goes “Great show last night, man. Thanks a lot”. And I said “no problem”, and didn’t mention the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do with Carlos’ standup. But fuck it, if the female groupies aren’t going to make out with me, at least the male groupies can kiss my ass.
I came home and slept. I set my alarm for 5:00pm, you know why? Because the major event of the weekend was still to come, something I’d been looking forward to for months…R. Kelly was performing at Universal Amphitheater.
I bought tickets on Ebay last week, and then bragged to Pamie all week that I would be “in the pit” at the R. show. I was stoked. She was horrified.
I walked in the theater just as the show was starting and it was fucking chaos. Black people, mostly fat black women, were everywhere. But no one was sitting in there seats. It was just a melee, it was like one of those videos that you see on the news from Atlanta for Freaknik or whatever that thing is, and you’re like “holy shit, are they having fun or rioting, I can’t tell!” I was honored (as the lone representative of the entire white community) to be in the middle of it. I went down to my seat, which was indeed “in the pit”. But actually, I didn’t go to my seat, because no one was respecting the very idea of SEATS.
But God Dammit, I was so close to R. it was awesome (yes, close enough to pee on, you bastards).
Now, after witnessing this show, 2 things became extremely clear: 1. R. Kelly IS a musical genius. 2. R. Kelly is clinically insane. These facts are indisputable at this point.
Seriously, there were moments of the show that were so uncomfortably weird and embarrassing that a part of me died inside. Why does he have to do that shit? Why can’t he just make good music? Believe me, I understand why you guys don’t get it. I understand why you can’t look past the Trapped in the Closet, or the Sex in the Kitchen, or the Statutory Rape. But as I’ve written about before, such is the nature of genius. You can’t be unbelievably amazing in one aspect of life without being unbelievably fucked up in another.
Anyway, the concert. It was fun and entertaining and I had a great time. BUT, the problem I had with the show was the same problem I had with the New Edition show: too many hits. That’s right, the man has TOO MANY good songs. So what ended happening is that he does one verse of all of his songs. There is no flow. He starts singing a song you love, and then just as you’re getting into it, it’s over and he’s on to the next one. These black dudes need to just pick a core of songs and sing the whole damn thing. Also, there was way too much talking to the audience. The guy was doing as much standup as Carlos did the night before. (Chris Rock voice) Just sing the songs, brotha.
On the plus side, he only did the first 3 chapters of “Trapped”. He did the whole show with a live band and it sounded cool. And another great thing with show is, as always, the crowd. You guys just can’t understand what an R. Kelly crowd looks like. There’s no describing it. These women and their little outfits with their huge bodies…I haven’t seen that many rolls since I wrapped my pennies and turned them in for cash. They don't give a fuck. And they love R. more than I do. And that's scary.
So that was my last four days. They were great, except for the fact that the midget got more action than I did.
THURSDAY
So I wrote another song, but this one isn’t a parody of a real song. This time it is original and full length, with 3 verses and a chorus, etc. It was a bit of a spoof of rap videos, so we got to shoot it at a ridiculously opulent mansion near Brentwood, complete with booty girls. The house next door belonged to Ben Affleck, or as the mailman calls it “The place where we deliver the horrible scripts”.
It was a long day of shooting. But I did get to see girls with fake boobs get sprayed with a hose, a midget painted in silver hanging from a pole (you’ll have to see the video), and a midget humping the legs of the girls with fake boobs. This is my job, folks.
The shoot went well and hopefully the video will be hilarious. We haven’t started editing it together yet, but I mean come on, how can you go wrong with boobs and midgets? The answer is you can’t.
I told the fake boob girls I wrote “In The Mix”, they never heard of it and weren’t willing to sink that low (and by “that low” I mean, “blowing the guy who wrote “in the mix”) to be on the show again.
FRIDAY
We worked until 11:30pm. It sucked.
SATURDAY
At the video shoot, Carlos told me that he was doing two shows in Reno and asked if I wanted to go. So I flew to Reno on Saturday. However, he left out one major thing that would’ve kept me from the trip altogether: our flight was on a propeller plane. A propeller plane!
My fear of flying is well documented here, but a prop plane? Over the Sierra Nevadas? I don’t love comedy that much.
Well, I made it there. And upon getting into Reno’s Airport I saw a dude with a sign: “Handleman”, now this is what I’m talking about. He took me to a limo which then took me to the hotel and casino where I’d be staying. Apparently, Reno is the only place in America where I’m not treated like an asshole.
While striding to the VIP check in at the hotel, the best and worst thing about Reno hit me square in the face. The best thing: I was the best looking guy in the city! The worst thing: The guys in Reno may be funny looking, but so are the girls. Bummer.
I went to the show and the crowd was amazing. Afterward, literally every single person who watched the show lined up and waited for hours to get Carlos’ autograph. It was crazy, and really cool to see. This is how insane these people were: two girls took pictures with me! I guess that “gay slave” bit is paying dividends after all.
After the show, Carlos was trying to hook me up with some of his lady fans, because a) he’s a good like that, b) he sure as hell wasn’t going to hook up with them, and c) he likes to create awkward situations and then sit back and enjoy them. Well, he got the awkwardness, but I didn’t get the ladies. You know why? Because this is how my conversations with the groupies went:
ME:
So…where are you ladies from?
GROUPIES:
Is Carlos coming back soon?
ME
Uh, I don’t know. So anyway, how’s it going?
GROUPIES
What’s Carlos like to hang out with?
ME
He’s not as funny off stage. I’m the real mastermind behind the act.
GROUPIES
Is Carlos always this quiet? I thought I would get to like, chit chat with him.
ME
You can chit chat with me.
GROUPIES
Ew.
SUNDAY
I basically didn’t go to bed Saturday night (it took me awhile to realize the Groupies were never going to happen for me), and then flew back to LA Sunday morning. As I was leaving the plane, a guy came up to me and said “hey, you write for Carlos?” And I’m like, yeah, and he goes “Great show last night, man. Thanks a lot”. And I said “no problem”, and didn’t mention the fact that I have absolutely nothing to do with Carlos’ standup. But fuck it, if the female groupies aren’t going to make out with me, at least the male groupies can kiss my ass.
I came home and slept. I set my alarm for 5:00pm, you know why? Because the major event of the weekend was still to come, something I’d been looking forward to for months…R. Kelly was performing at Universal Amphitheater.
I bought tickets on Ebay last week, and then bragged to Pamie all week that I would be “in the pit” at the R. show. I was stoked. She was horrified.
I walked in the theater just as the show was starting and it was fucking chaos. Black people, mostly fat black women, were everywhere. But no one was sitting in there seats. It was just a melee, it was like one of those videos that you see on the news from Atlanta for Freaknik or whatever that thing is, and you’re like “holy shit, are they having fun or rioting, I can’t tell!” I was honored (as the lone representative of the entire white community) to be in the middle of it. I went down to my seat, which was indeed “in the pit”. But actually, I didn’t go to my seat, because no one was respecting the very idea of SEATS.
But God Dammit, I was so close to R. it was awesome (yes, close enough to pee on, you bastards).
Now, after witnessing this show, 2 things became extremely clear: 1. R. Kelly IS a musical genius. 2. R. Kelly is clinically insane. These facts are indisputable at this point.
Seriously, there were moments of the show that were so uncomfortably weird and embarrassing that a part of me died inside. Why does he have to do that shit? Why can’t he just make good music? Believe me, I understand why you guys don’t get it. I understand why you can’t look past the Trapped in the Closet, or the Sex in the Kitchen, or the Statutory Rape. But as I’ve written about before, such is the nature of genius. You can’t be unbelievably amazing in one aspect of life without being unbelievably fucked up in another.
Anyway, the concert. It was fun and entertaining and I had a great time. BUT, the problem I had with the show was the same problem I had with the New Edition show: too many hits. That’s right, the man has TOO MANY good songs. So what ended happening is that he does one verse of all of his songs. There is no flow. He starts singing a song you love, and then just as you’re getting into it, it’s over and he’s on to the next one. These black dudes need to just pick a core of songs and sing the whole damn thing. Also, there was way too much talking to the audience. The guy was doing as much standup as Carlos did the night before. (Chris Rock voice) Just sing the songs, brotha.
On the plus side, he only did the first 3 chapters of “Trapped”. He did the whole show with a live band and it sounded cool. And another great thing with show is, as always, the crowd. You guys just can’t understand what an R. Kelly crowd looks like. There’s no describing it. These women and their little outfits with their huge bodies…I haven’t seen that many rolls since I wrapped my pennies and turned them in for cash. They don't give a fuck. And they love R. more than I do. And that's scary.
So that was my last four days. They were great, except for the fact that the midget got more action than I did.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Magazine Jokes
The Showbiz Show is okay, but I’ve been noticing that they do a lot of what I call “magazine” jokes. They’ve also been doing them on Weekend Update a lot too. Though I find them hilarious, I think it’s just a little too easy. I mean, one a month is cool, but anything after that is just lazy. You can do them to any news setup, and I’ll prove it to you:
Denise Richards says that she and Heather Locklear are no longer friends. Read more about this in the next issue of “Whores Have No Friends Weekly”.
Nicole Richie says she knows she is too thin and is going to do something about it. The news drew sharp criticism from the editors of “Finger Down Throat Illustrated”.
Katie Holmes made an appearance with Tom Cruise at the premiere of Mission Impossible III. The two were also filming a scene for the new reality show “Homodate”.
Jennifer Garner is in talks to star opposite Jamie Foxx in the thriller "The Kingdom." The movie is also known by it’s alternate title “Shit I Will Never Pay To See”.
Nick Lachey says that he would never go out with Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay has responded with a short essay entitled “Thank the Lord”.
Kansas has set the minimum age for marriage at 15 years old. An immediate protest of the law was called for by the Arkansas magazine “11 Year Old Brides”
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly stole Paris Hilton’s boyfriend. This according to the Medicine journal “How Chlamydia Spreads”.
Denise Richards says that she and Heather Locklear are no longer friends. Read more about this in the next issue of “Whores Have No Friends Weekly”.
Nicole Richie says she knows she is too thin and is going to do something about it. The news drew sharp criticism from the editors of “Finger Down Throat Illustrated”.
Katie Holmes made an appearance with Tom Cruise at the premiere of Mission Impossible III. The two were also filming a scene for the new reality show “Homodate”.
Jennifer Garner is in talks to star opposite Jamie Foxx in the thriller "The Kingdom." The movie is also known by it’s alternate title “Shit I Will Never Pay To See”.
Nick Lachey says that he would never go out with Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay has responded with a short essay entitled “Thank the Lord”.
Kansas has set the minimum age for marriage at 15 years old. An immediate protest of the law was called for by the Arkansas magazine “11 Year Old Brides”
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly stole Paris Hilton’s boyfriend. This according to the Medicine journal “How Chlamydia Spreads”.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I'll Say It Again...Lost!!!
Holy shit, this show is so freaking good. It's funny because after every episode I go into work the next day and my friend always says "I knew it all along, didn't you?" and I pretend that I did even though I didn't. He says it like it was so obvious and you were an idiot if you didn't know, so I feel obligated to lie. So tonight I was watching the show with absolute focus, intent on trying to figure out what the twist was going to be. But after a million of my conspiracy theories, I had to admit halfway through that I honestly had no idea what was going to happen. And then, the amazing ending happened that I am convinced no one could've known. So I'm eagerly waiting to go into work and see what this genius has to say. If he says he knew it, then I'll know he's been lying all along. If he didn't, then I'll know that I'm the idiot.
For those of you still not watching this show, you need to get less of a life and watch more TV. Awesome!
--Oh, and by the way, only Michelle Rodriguez could make me hate the way someone walks. Put your shoulders away.
For those of you still not watching this show, you need to get less of a life and watch more TV. Awesome!
--Oh, and by the way, only Michelle Rodriguez could make me hate the way someone walks. Put your shoulders away.
Gay Slave
All right, people, tonight is my appearance as a gay slave. And luckily, I edited the piece together so I avoided all closeups. But you can see me, so I just want you to hear my list of excuses:
My body hasn't seen the sun in 372 days
I haven't worked out in 373 days (i worked out, then got some sun the next day)
I am naturally very, very, very, very, very white
My neck gets tan but the rest of my body does not
I am at work 90 percent of my life, and our kitchen currently consists of Pepsi, Coke, cake, Doritos, and gummy bears
Even at the peak of my athletic activity, I have never in my life been considered "ripped"
I was wearing a hat that day and had to take it off for the bit
I get my haircut by a Paul Rodriguez fan at Supercuts for $15
I'm lazy
My body hasn't seen the sun in 372 days
I haven't worked out in 373 days (i worked out, then got some sun the next day)
I am naturally very, very, very, very, very white
My neck gets tan but the rest of my body does not
I am at work 90 percent of my life, and our kitchen currently consists of Pepsi, Coke, cake, Doritos, and gummy bears
Even at the peak of my athletic activity, I have never in my life been considered "ripped"
I was wearing a hat that day and had to take it off for the bit
I get my haircut by a Paul Rodriguez fan at Supercuts for $15
I'm lazy
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
One More 30 Thing
1991
EXT. CAMPOLINDO HIGH SCHOOL
15 year old IRWIN HANDLEMAN waits outside for a ride home. A car pulls up and he gets inside, an OLDER MAN is behind the wheel. Irwin is surprised.
YOUNG IRWIN
Who are you?
OLD MAN
I’m you.
YI
Me? You can’t be me. I’m me. And you’re old.
OM
I am you…at 30.
YI
But you’re not 6 foot 4.
OM
Ah yes, that’s just one of many dreams you’ll have to kiss bye-bye to as you get older.
YI
You mean I’m not gonna be that tall?
OM
You’ve maxed out, kid. And you’re not going to the NBA, you’re not going to be a rapper, and you never, ever get to have sex with Christy Boyer.
YI
Brutal. I really thought she’d come around to wanting a nice guy.
OM
That’s the first thing I’m here to tell you: chicks like assholes.
YI
But why wouldn’t they like a guy who’s good and kind and treats them right?
OM
Oh, you’re so young…don’t question it, kid, just turn into an a-hole and get to some fucking.
YI
Why are you here?
OM
I just wanted to visit you, warn you about a few things, give you some advice…time is gonna go by a lot faster than you think. You’re young now, but before you know it, you’re gonna be me.
YI
Ew.
OM
I know.
YI
What are things like in the future?
OM
Well, Tom Cruise is crazy and possibly gay.
YI
Duh, I’ve seen “Cocktail”. What else happens?
OM
OJ Simpson kills his wife, allegedly, and gets away with it, and one of the fly girls from “In Living Color” becomes a huge star, and Jason Priestley does not.
YI
Wow, next you’re gonna tell me that Whitney Houston becomes a two bit crack whore.
The Old Man smiles.
OM
I’ll let you be pleasantly surprised by that one.
YI
Are we married?
OM
No.
YI
What?! Are we gay or something, how can we not be married yet?
OM
We’re playing the field. Well, we’re on the field, I don’t know that we’re exactly playing it – no one ever came back in time to explain the asshole thing to me.
YI
Are we rich?
OM
There are many different ways to describe “being rich”.
Young Irwin puts his hands to his face.
YI
Oh man, I grow up to be a loser!
OM
No, we’re not a loser. We wrote a movie.
YI
Holy shit! Really? A movie? That’s huge.
OM
Yeah, you’d think it would be, wouldn’t you?
YI
Man, you’re bitter.
OM
I’m not bitter! I’m just honest about the crappy movie I was involved in and got little to nothing out of, that’s not bitter.
YI
I think that’s like, the definition of bitter.
OM
Shut up. I’m not bitter. We make a good living writing beaner jokes.
YI
What are beaner jokes?
OM
You know, jokes about beaners.
YI
What’s a beaner?
OM
You have so much to learn.
YI
Is that all? I gotta go. There’s a party tonight.
OM
You liar. You don’t go parties, you play Nintendo.
YI
It’s a Nintendo party. Damn, you really are me, aren’t you?
(BEAT)
What’s your point of all this anyway?
OM
My point is this: you’re not as smart as you think you are, enjoy life and embrace every second of it, and you can’t get anything without asking for it.
YI
Fine. Got it.
OM
Oh, and one more thing. Christy Boyer isn’t going to fuck anyone who has Nintendo parties.
EXT. CAMPOLINDO HIGH SCHOOL
15 year old IRWIN HANDLEMAN waits outside for a ride home. A car pulls up and he gets inside, an OLDER MAN is behind the wheel. Irwin is surprised.
YOUNG IRWIN
Who are you?
OLD MAN
I’m you.
YI
Me? You can’t be me. I’m me. And you’re old.
OM
I am you…at 30.
YI
But you’re not 6 foot 4.
OM
Ah yes, that’s just one of many dreams you’ll have to kiss bye-bye to as you get older.
YI
You mean I’m not gonna be that tall?
OM
You’ve maxed out, kid. And you’re not going to the NBA, you’re not going to be a rapper, and you never, ever get to have sex with Christy Boyer.
YI
Brutal. I really thought she’d come around to wanting a nice guy.
OM
That’s the first thing I’m here to tell you: chicks like assholes.
YI
But why wouldn’t they like a guy who’s good and kind and treats them right?
OM
Oh, you’re so young…don’t question it, kid, just turn into an a-hole and get to some fucking.
YI
Why are you here?
OM
I just wanted to visit you, warn you about a few things, give you some advice…time is gonna go by a lot faster than you think. You’re young now, but before you know it, you’re gonna be me.
YI
Ew.
OM
I know.
YI
What are things like in the future?
OM
Well, Tom Cruise is crazy and possibly gay.
YI
Duh, I’ve seen “Cocktail”. What else happens?
OM
OJ Simpson kills his wife, allegedly, and gets away with it, and one of the fly girls from “In Living Color” becomes a huge star, and Jason Priestley does not.
YI
Wow, next you’re gonna tell me that Whitney Houston becomes a two bit crack whore.
The Old Man smiles.
OM
I’ll let you be pleasantly surprised by that one.
YI
Are we married?
OM
No.
YI
What?! Are we gay or something, how can we not be married yet?
OM
We’re playing the field. Well, we’re on the field, I don’t know that we’re exactly playing it – no one ever came back in time to explain the asshole thing to me.
YI
Are we rich?
OM
There are many different ways to describe “being rich”.
Young Irwin puts his hands to his face.
YI
Oh man, I grow up to be a loser!
OM
No, we’re not a loser. We wrote a movie.
YI
Holy shit! Really? A movie? That’s huge.
OM
Yeah, you’d think it would be, wouldn’t you?
YI
Man, you’re bitter.
OM
I’m not bitter! I’m just honest about the crappy movie I was involved in and got little to nothing out of, that’s not bitter.
YI
I think that’s like, the definition of bitter.
OM
Shut up. I’m not bitter. We make a good living writing beaner jokes.
YI
What are beaner jokes?
OM
You know, jokes about beaners.
YI
What’s a beaner?
OM
You have so much to learn.
YI
Is that all? I gotta go. There’s a party tonight.
OM
You liar. You don’t go parties, you play Nintendo.
YI
It’s a Nintendo party. Damn, you really are me, aren’t you?
(BEAT)
What’s your point of all this anyway?
OM
My point is this: you’re not as smart as you think you are, enjoy life and embrace every second of it, and you can’t get anything without asking for it.
YI
Fine. Got it.
OM
Oh, and one more thing. Christy Boyer isn’t going to fuck anyone who has Nintendo parties.
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