6:30am: My alarm goes off. It's the last day of the second season for my TV show. It should be a day of celebration, a day of back patting and thataboys, instead, in perfect symmetry with how this show goes, it's a 17 hour extravaganza of churning out comedy gold. It's been really hard to comprehend that the season is ending with this mammoth day still to come. There's no time to sit back and reflect on all the craziness, because we are still in the thick of craziness.
7:15am: I get to work. Normally, I don't come to the studio this early, especially on the day we're taping an episode. However, this is not a normal taping day for three reasons: besides the normal episode we are taping, we are also doing the "best of" show, along with a replacement segment for a segment we did a week ago that wasn't working. So here I am.
7:30am: I go to the set. We're filming some bits for that replacement segment, which I have written with my buddy Chris.
One of the bits involves a porn star. Carlos had mentioned to me that he had just done some radio and the DJs mentioned that Tera Patrick, a semi famous porn star, was on the show just before him saying that she loved our show. So, I believe it was me who came up with a porn star bit to do and of course immediately thought of Tera.
I lobbied vociferously for her to be on the show. Now, I'm not a huge porn guy, but I am a Howard Stern fan, and she's on it all the time and I find her to be quite attractive. You know, for a porn star. Unfortunately, when you lobby vociferously for a porn star to be on the show, no one thinks it's because you like Stern, they just assume you're a gigantic porn perv. Way to end the season with a great impression!
"Should we hire Handleman back next season?"
"I don't know, kind of a porn perv."
9:00am: Tera is late. Her husband/manager/lucky bastard/freak calls and says that she is sick. She's throwing up and is apparently quite ill. Many porn jokes are made at this point as to the cause of her illness, which I won't reveal here.
10:00am: A porn replacement is found! Her name is Stormy. Of course it is. She's "up for it".
12:00am: Stormy arrives. I introduce myself and go over her lines. Seriously. She looks like a totally normal, average girl...with two basketballs affixed to her chest. A half hour of makeup later, she looks like a normal, average porn star...with two basketballs affixed to her chest. When Carlos asks her what outfit she'd feel most comfortable in, she says "naked". I guess you can take the porn star out of the porn, but you can't take the porn out of the porn star. Or something like that.
1:00pm: The last lunch. The show gets a catered lunch for cast and crew on show days. Because of my food issues, it's always a difficult time for me. The food sucks. I've never been a fan of what I call "group food". As I prove on a daily basis, food taste is a highly individualized thing. They serve some sort of meat thing, and a chicken thing, all with some sort of sauce that grosses me out. Looks like it's gonna be another night of apples and Fritos. Yey!
2:30pm: We finally shoot the porn scene. In between takes, I get to talking to Stormy. Stormy says that her first rule with guys is that they "shave their balls". Don't ask me how the subject came up because I honestly don't remember, but these are the kinds of things that porn people drop into normal conversation.
"Thanks for doing the show, Stormy."
"No problem. You know, I prefer that men shave their balls."
"Oh, that's...nice"
I take this nugget of information and pitch Stormy a show, which is of course, the Porn Bachelorette. Who wouldn't watch this show? The first night she'd be checking balls for hairs. That's great TV! But even Stormy is wise enough to recognize that I have no power in television and the show will never happen. She laughs me off.
3:00pm: We do the naked version. Our show midget (cause every show has to have it's own midget), asks Stormy for a picture. Here's what that photo looks like: He stands in front of her, tilts his head upwards, as Stormy takes her boobs and envelopes his head in them. The picture is taken and that's when the best part happens, our midget claims the flash didn't go off. How could he see that the flash didn't go off with two mountains of salene covering his eyes? The answer is: he's a genius, and a porn perv. Stormy doesn't even flinch as she quickly pounces on his face with her rack. Something tells me that this kind of thing never goes down at my dad's office at Handleman Supply Company.
3:30pm: I am told that it is a half hour until our next rehearsal. I take this opportunity to sit down on the couch in the office lobby. The sitting turns into lying, and the awake turns into sleeping. Well, not really sleeping. It's so loud in our office that that could never really happen. But in the middle of my doze, the extremely loud casting lady comes walking down the stairs and screams: "What's a matter, Irwin? All that pussy tire you out?!?" Holy shit, thanks for that. Another great last impression!
4:30pm: We go through the rehearsal and the same casting lady is sitting next to me. She has the nerve to get upset that I have called her "loud". She's offended. I'm like, what about in the office when you woke me up? She says, "Oh, I was just joking." Joking! Joking would've been to come up to me quietly and demonstrate to the others that you were going to wake me up, it would not include actually waking me up by screaming the word pussy out to the entire office.
During this inane conversation, Carlos had come over and was trying to figure out a line for something. He saw me arguing with this crazy girl and basically yelled at me to "get involved". Great last impression!
5:00pm to 8:00pm: Rehearsals, rehearsals, and more rehearsals.
8:00pm: The show starts. And so does the drinking. But not for me, if I had started in on the wine, it would've been more sleepy time and no amount of pussy yelling would wake me up. I was punch drunk at this point anyway, so I didn't feel the need.
The show goes well. The audience, as usual, is way into it.
10:30pm: During the clip show, I get called on stage. I go up in front of the crowd and Carlos puts his arm around me and introduces me as "the guy who wrote the Kanye song" and a couple of other things. I think the crowd insantly hates me, because a: I'm not a beaner and b: "you're telling me Carlos doesn't write everything". He also announces that I'm single and starts pointing out girls for me. Now, I don't want to diss our audience or anything, but these girls outweighted me by a good 100 pounds each. And I'm just talking about their boobs.
And then suddenly, the camera comes on and I'm in the show. Carlos does a funny joke about me winning the Emmy and it was cool. I didn't say anything though, I just stood there looking exactly as I am: a dorky average white guy.
11pm - 12:30am: More show!
1:00am: We're finally done. Now it gets sad. It's like a combat situation. Even though it's hellish at times, only the people you were at war with can understand. Plus, we all have the "thousand yard stare" going at this point. But it's weird. After months and months of spending every second together, it's over. It's a weird feeling. You're excited, you're sad, you're happy, and you're freaking exhausted. I love everyone I worked with, they're all exceptionally talented and I'm lucky to have had the experience. It's tough saying goodbye.
1:15am: Back home and in bed. All done, just another day at the office.
3:00am: If you dream about midgets and porn, is that a horrbile nightmare, or just really, really awesome?
Friday, June 30, 2006
This Week in EW's Insanity
The movie "Blade" is being turned into a TV series for Spike Television. Entertainment Weekly took this opportunity to rank the best movie to TV translations. Number 5 on the list is "Parenthood", which took the movie "Parenthood", which was directed by Ron Howard and starred Steve Martin, and turned it into a half hour sitcom starring Ed Begley Jr. EW had this to say about the TV version:
"What can you say about a family dramedy based on a mediocre Steve Martin movie? That it had Joss Whedon as one of its writers and was a lot funnier than the film..."
WHAT THE FUCK??? Dude, "Parenthood" is one of my favorite movies of all time! The TV show? Who even remembers that piece of shit? Of course I do, but that's only because I'm a loser who watched too much TV as a child (and as an adult). And the only reason I remember it is because I loved the movie so much that I felt compelled to give the TV version a shot. And then, like the rest of America, stopped watching after episode 2. I also remember that they reran this series recently and I TiVo'd it and it still sucked! Yeah, a lot funnier than the movie. I think we all remember that back in the late '80's/early '90's, it was all about "Cheers", "The Cosby Show", and "Parenthood". What??? It didn't even last a season! Seriously, it only went 12 episodes.
"Parenthood" the movie is a classic. Who would agree with this statement? I don't understand what is going on over there. "Mediocre?" Really? I cannot even explain how pissed I was when I read that. I don't know why these things upset me so much, but they do. So EW, stop sucking Whedon's dick! It's all yucky and full of bad television.
"What can you say about a family dramedy based on a mediocre Steve Martin movie? That it had Joss Whedon as one of its writers and was a lot funnier than the film..."
WHAT THE FUCK??? Dude, "Parenthood" is one of my favorite movies of all time! The TV show? Who even remembers that piece of shit? Of course I do, but that's only because I'm a loser who watched too much TV as a child (and as an adult). And the only reason I remember it is because I loved the movie so much that I felt compelled to give the TV version a shot. And then, like the rest of America, stopped watching after episode 2. I also remember that they reran this series recently and I TiVo'd it and it still sucked! Yeah, a lot funnier than the movie. I think we all remember that back in the late '80's/early '90's, it was all about "Cheers", "The Cosby Show", and "Parenthood". What??? It didn't even last a season! Seriously, it only went 12 episodes.
"Parenthood" the movie is a classic. Who would agree with this statement? I don't understand what is going on over there. "Mediocre?" Really? I cannot even explain how pissed I was when I read that. I don't know why these things upset me so much, but they do. So EW, stop sucking Whedon's dick! It's all yucky and full of bad television.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Ashlee Simpson, A Nose, and a Wedding Ring
All right, I'm still going crazy about this nose thing. Ashlee has a new video out in which we get to see the new nose in all of it's glory. Up to this point, we've only had occasional glimpses, but this video finally puts it on display for a complete dissection.
Please, go watch the video now.
Listen to how crazy this is: the video begins with her in a boxing ring with another girl. They are fighting each other. Then the other girl takes a big ole' swing and smacks her...in the nose! And she goes down for the count. Is this the explanation? Is this a recreation of what led to the nose job? Is Ashlee a professional boxer and we didn't know, and then she got punched in the nose and that's why she needed the rhino, and it had nothing at all to do with her insane jealousy of her sister and own feelings of insecurity and inferiority? And secondly, is this all premeditated? Did someone think this out and go, "hey, you just had a nose job, let's start the video off with you getting punched in the face?" Did that conversation happen? I must know these things. Get that little douchebag Gideon Yago on this story!
There are closeup shots of the bridge of her nose, people. She's showing off, and God Dammit, why shouldn't she? That thing is fucking amazing! Seriously, who did this surgery? Let this artist be feted with a ticker tape parade and presented with a grand feast the way our great heroes used to be honored.
Now, I am not a fan of plastic surgery. In fact, I wrote a whole movie about how stupid plastic surgery is (coming soon from Lion's Gate...well, hopefully). But I have to say, in this case...bravo. It looks ridiculously good. And if you have no talent and are completely worthless except for your value to late night comedians and Ryan Cabrera, you might as well be a plastic freakishness of hot, that's what I always say. And to those who have been trying to tell me that she looked better with her old nose...fuck you. You're wrong. You just are.
I love the psychology of it all. She looks exactly like Jessica now. Only without the vocal range and career. She's the "Single White Female" of the new millenium, only her obsession is her sister. You know for a fact, that she is currently trying to fuck Nick. You know it! There will be a story soon about how Ashlee was spotted with Nick somewhere, there is no doubt in my mind that is going to happen. And when "Dukes of Hazzard II" is being bandied about and Jessica says she won't do it, you know Ashlee will walk onto "The View" in a pair of Daisy Duke shorts. This is awesome. And I guarantee she's walking up and down supermarket aisles right now, with her new assistant Cacee Cobb, searching for her own "chicken of the sea".
That nose is so loveable, it's like a different being. I despise every part of Ashlee Simpson, except for that nose. Oh Ashlee, I hate your horribly singing annoying guts, but I love that beautiful nose. Do they make a bag you can put over someone's head with a nose cut out? I will make out with that nose. Just as long as I don't have to touch the rest of her. Nope, just the nose.
I'm obsessed with it. I'd hold up a Kleenex for it if it got stuffy. I'd squeeze out some Afrin to help clear it. I'll wipe it's little nostrils when it gets crusty. That nose has got more talent on it's bridge than Ashlee has in her whole body! Marry me, nose! Leave Ashlee behind and come live with me. Well, don't live with me, I like my personal space, but live nearby and come over a lot and let's sit by the fire and watch "Dirty Dancing" and laugh at Jennifer Grey's old beak. Oh, the times we will have! Ashlee will never love you the way I do. She's just using you to get back at Jessica, but I love you because you're everything Ashlee is not. You're beautiful and talented and smart and funny, well maybe not smart and funny, but you're beautiful and that's all that matters in the whole wide world!
All right, I'm done.
Please, go watch the video now.
Listen to how crazy this is: the video begins with her in a boxing ring with another girl. They are fighting each other. Then the other girl takes a big ole' swing and smacks her...in the nose! And she goes down for the count. Is this the explanation? Is this a recreation of what led to the nose job? Is Ashlee a professional boxer and we didn't know, and then she got punched in the nose and that's why she needed the rhino, and it had nothing at all to do with her insane jealousy of her sister and own feelings of insecurity and inferiority? And secondly, is this all premeditated? Did someone think this out and go, "hey, you just had a nose job, let's start the video off with you getting punched in the face?" Did that conversation happen? I must know these things. Get that little douchebag Gideon Yago on this story!
There are closeup shots of the bridge of her nose, people. She's showing off, and God Dammit, why shouldn't she? That thing is fucking amazing! Seriously, who did this surgery? Let this artist be feted with a ticker tape parade and presented with a grand feast the way our great heroes used to be honored.
Now, I am not a fan of plastic surgery. In fact, I wrote a whole movie about how stupid plastic surgery is (coming soon from Lion's Gate...well, hopefully). But I have to say, in this case...bravo. It looks ridiculously good. And if you have no talent and are completely worthless except for your value to late night comedians and Ryan Cabrera, you might as well be a plastic freakishness of hot, that's what I always say. And to those who have been trying to tell me that she looked better with her old nose...fuck you. You're wrong. You just are.
I love the psychology of it all. She looks exactly like Jessica now. Only without the vocal range and career. She's the "Single White Female" of the new millenium, only her obsession is her sister. You know for a fact, that she is currently trying to fuck Nick. You know it! There will be a story soon about how Ashlee was spotted with Nick somewhere, there is no doubt in my mind that is going to happen. And when "Dukes of Hazzard II" is being bandied about and Jessica says she won't do it, you know Ashlee will walk onto "The View" in a pair of Daisy Duke shorts. This is awesome. And I guarantee she's walking up and down supermarket aisles right now, with her new assistant Cacee Cobb, searching for her own "chicken of the sea".
That nose is so loveable, it's like a different being. I despise every part of Ashlee Simpson, except for that nose. Oh Ashlee, I hate your horribly singing annoying guts, but I love that beautiful nose. Do they make a bag you can put over someone's head with a nose cut out? I will make out with that nose. Just as long as I don't have to touch the rest of her. Nope, just the nose.
I'm obsessed with it. I'd hold up a Kleenex for it if it got stuffy. I'd squeeze out some Afrin to help clear it. I'll wipe it's little nostrils when it gets crusty. That nose has got more talent on it's bridge than Ashlee has in her whole body! Marry me, nose! Leave Ashlee behind and come live with me. Well, don't live with me, I like my personal space, but live nearby and come over a lot and let's sit by the fire and watch "Dirty Dancing" and laugh at Jennifer Grey's old beak. Oh, the times we will have! Ashlee will never love you the way I do. She's just using you to get back at Jessica, but I love you because you're everything Ashlee is not. You're beautiful and talented and smart and funny, well maybe not smart and funny, but you're beautiful and that's all that matters in the whole wide world!
All right, I'm done.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Peter Tolan Gets Rapey
Because of my crazy schedule recently, I haven't been able to get to things as quickly as I'd like. However, there was something on "Rescue Me" a week ago that deserves mentioning. And I apologize for talking about this show so much, especially because I know how annoying it is when some dude rambles on about something that you don't watch or care about (see: Entertainment Weekly's Ken Tucker about "Alias"). But this was more of a pop cultural moment that went by that a lot of people missed.
Anyway, if you have the show TiVo'd and haven't watched yet, do not read any further.
On last week's episode, the main character Tommy (Denis Leary) went over to his ex-wife to work out the terms of their divorce. Many crazy events led up to this, including the recent discovery by Tommy that his ex was sleeping with his brother. Anyway, they began arguing, and he raped her. Now, this rape wasn't crazy violent or graphic, and she didn't really say no, but she was fighting him. It was a moment on TV where you watch and you think to yourself "Did that just happen? Did I see that right?" They didn't make it "a moment" (on a very special "Rescue Me"), it just happened. Like life, there wasn't some kind of warning of "get ready!".
I was pretty stunned by it. And I thought if this scene had happened on a major network, everyone would be talking about it. How many rapes occur on comedies? This has to be a first. My opinion of it was that it was a very bold and dangerous move, but I didn't think it was out of line with what's going on with the characters at all. I think there's a tendency to make up a pretend world for movies and tv, that writers always stick to: "when this happens, a character reacts in this way". When of course, that's not true. But sometimes, actually, a lot of times, writers aren't writing from real experience but rather from their experience watching other media.
I trust the guys behind "Rescue Me", and I know they weren't doing it for some kind of publicity stunt (witness the silence about it). They're actually trying to do a great show, and I think they're succeeding. And just like "Lost", I don't watch this show and think about the real life histories behind it. Meaning that I don't think about how my friend Chris says Denis Leary is an asshole in real life or that any of the creators have issues with women. I don't think about that. I'm in the show. And I can only judge from what I watch and not that other bullshit.
Here's the problem. One of my favorite websites of all time is Televisionwithoutpity.com. It's a site all about TV, where they do "recaps" of episodes that summarize in a funny way what happened on the show. Pamie used to write recaps. In fact, I think some insane "Gilmore Fans" have a petition going around to get her to come back. I don't know. Also, the legendary Jessica who has commented here is from TWoP (and of course gofugyourself.com), and that's where I fell in love with her, from her extremely funny recaps. Anyway, they have forums on there too. And the forums are hilarious. Because these people are simultaneously geniuses and clinically insane. They know everything. And they know nothing. You can spend a day reading the forums. This website is well known in Hollywood and some of the powers that be are occasionally influenced by it.
It seems Peter Tolan, creator of "Rescue Me", recently stumbled onto the site. He started reading the forums about his own show and felt the need to respond. This is a bad idea. Once upon a time, "OC" creator Josh Schwartz did the same thing and hasn't been the same since. Don't respond to these people! Don't listen to them! Believe it or not, fans of the show don't always have the best interests of the show at heart. If they did, there'd be no mysteries on "Lost" because they would have been all revealed in the second episode.
Look, I love these people. I am these people. But we shouldn't be involved with the creative types on our favorite shows. You do your thing and we'll watch, and we'll talk about it amongst each other, but let's keep some separation between us. I haven't really looked into what he said, cause again, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. But evidently, his explanation for things ruffled some feathers. It's not surprising, since it's kinda hard for dudes to explain rape. That never goes well. And he shouldn't have done it. The work should always speak for itself. The people don't need any more information than what you put in the script, no excuses are necessary. If they are, then you didn't write your shit right.
But to Tolan's credit, he wrote this, which I totally agree with:
"Welcome to writing a television drama. We're trying to do something different with RM - straddling a thin line between heart-wrenching drama and balls-out comedy. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't. "
Amen, brotha.
Anyway, if you have the show TiVo'd and haven't watched yet, do not read any further.
On last week's episode, the main character Tommy (Denis Leary) went over to his ex-wife to work out the terms of their divorce. Many crazy events led up to this, including the recent discovery by Tommy that his ex was sleeping with his brother. Anyway, they began arguing, and he raped her. Now, this rape wasn't crazy violent or graphic, and she didn't really say no, but she was fighting him. It was a moment on TV where you watch and you think to yourself "Did that just happen? Did I see that right?" They didn't make it "a moment" (on a very special "Rescue Me"), it just happened. Like life, there wasn't some kind of warning of "get ready!".
I was pretty stunned by it. And I thought if this scene had happened on a major network, everyone would be talking about it. How many rapes occur on comedies? This has to be a first. My opinion of it was that it was a very bold and dangerous move, but I didn't think it was out of line with what's going on with the characters at all. I think there's a tendency to make up a pretend world for movies and tv, that writers always stick to: "when this happens, a character reacts in this way". When of course, that's not true. But sometimes, actually, a lot of times, writers aren't writing from real experience but rather from their experience watching other media.
I trust the guys behind "Rescue Me", and I know they weren't doing it for some kind of publicity stunt (witness the silence about it). They're actually trying to do a great show, and I think they're succeeding. And just like "Lost", I don't watch this show and think about the real life histories behind it. Meaning that I don't think about how my friend Chris says Denis Leary is an asshole in real life or that any of the creators have issues with women. I don't think about that. I'm in the show. And I can only judge from what I watch and not that other bullshit.
Here's the problem. One of my favorite websites of all time is Televisionwithoutpity.com. It's a site all about TV, where they do "recaps" of episodes that summarize in a funny way what happened on the show. Pamie used to write recaps. In fact, I think some insane "Gilmore Fans" have a petition going around to get her to come back. I don't know. Also, the legendary Jessica who has commented here is from TWoP (and of course gofugyourself.com), and that's where I fell in love with her, from her extremely funny recaps. Anyway, they have forums on there too. And the forums are hilarious. Because these people are simultaneously geniuses and clinically insane. They know everything. And they know nothing. You can spend a day reading the forums. This website is well known in Hollywood and some of the powers that be are occasionally influenced by it.
It seems Peter Tolan, creator of "Rescue Me", recently stumbled onto the site. He started reading the forums about his own show and felt the need to respond. This is a bad idea. Once upon a time, "OC" creator Josh Schwartz did the same thing and hasn't been the same since. Don't respond to these people! Don't listen to them! Believe it or not, fans of the show don't always have the best interests of the show at heart. If they did, there'd be no mysteries on "Lost" because they would have been all revealed in the second episode.
Look, I love these people. I am these people. But we shouldn't be involved with the creative types on our favorite shows. You do your thing and we'll watch, and we'll talk about it amongst each other, but let's keep some separation between us. I haven't really looked into what he said, cause again, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW. But evidently, his explanation for things ruffled some feathers. It's not surprising, since it's kinda hard for dudes to explain rape. That never goes well. And he shouldn't have done it. The work should always speak for itself. The people don't need any more information than what you put in the script, no excuses are necessary. If they are, then you didn't write your shit right.
But to Tolan's credit, he wrote this, which I totally agree with:
"Welcome to writing a television drama. We're trying to do something different with RM - straddling a thin line between heart-wrenching drama and balls-out comedy. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don't. "
Amen, brotha.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Click
I saw “Click” this weekend. It is what we in the business call, a “high concept” movie. Meaning that it’s an idea you can say in one sentence, “a magical remote control gives a man the power to control his life”, and it has nothing to do with silly stuff like character or complexity, you know, like those lame movies that win Oscars. No, it’s a simple, crowd pleasing premise that when you hear it you immediately know what it is. Of course, the mother of all high concept movies is: Snakes on a Plane - it's a movie that tells you what it is in the title, you don't even need the sentence! That would be like Armageddon being called, "Huge Rock Hurtling Towards Earth" or "Die Hard" being called "Weary Everyman Stuck in a Building with German Terrorists". Of course, neither of those is as neat and as clean and as simple as "Click".
This movie had a lot of pressure on it from me. The reason? Everyone has had this idea. Everyone. Trust me, they didn’t steal it from you or from me, everyone had it. It’s a cool idea, and an easy one to think of and understand, thus making it a great high concept story. But one thing that pisses me off more than anything is when someone takes an amazing idea, puts it into a big movie, and doesn’t do it right. You just ruined that idea for the rest of us! We only get one chance and then no one else can do it (well, for 10 years at least). With great ideas comes great responsibility. You must service it right. And that’s why there was pressure, because if you’re gonna do this great idea, you must do it as good if not better than we would have.
Interestingly, this movie was written by Steve Koren and Mark O’Keefe, who also wrote “Bruce Almighty”. So these guys have written 2 big summer comedies about a career obsessed man who meets a God-like figure who gives him the power to control his life. They’ve written the same movie twice. I’m sure they feel guilty about that. I’m sure they’re crying about it in their beach estates in Malibu right now.
I didn’t hate the movie, but I didn’t like it either. It’s basically 2 movies. The first half is the “comedy”, and the second half is the “drama”. Ironically, the downfall of the thing was the idea itself. This grandiose idea, that everyone has had, that is just too perfect not to do, was the reason this movie didn’t succeed. Let me explain:
First of all, these writers weren’t lazy. The problem is the opposite. They tried to do too much. It’s like they felt the responsibility of this idea and tried to do everything with it. And of course when you try to do everything you do nothing well. As a comedy, it’s not that funny. As a drama, it’s not that dramatic. As a cool movie, it’s kinda boring. For some reason, it just felt like it was going through the motions. All of the jokes you’d expect were there, but none of them popped. I think they were locked in the big idea jail. We have to do this joke, we have to do that joke, and then a dog has to hump a stuffed animal in fast motion. All of it was predictable and easy and...joyless.
So I was surprised that the “heart” of the movie almost saved it for me. The comedy just wasn’t cutting it. In fact, halfway through I was already planning out this whole thing I was gonna write about how sometimes they’re not even trying to make a good movie. But I think they were. They weren’t just trying to get to jokes, there was a theme and an actual story. Which is good. Unfortunately, the funny suffered for it.
One more problem I had was the "fantasy" element of the movie. Now, I don't want to brag or anything, but these are the type of movies I specialize in writing. True, after I write them, they sit comfortably in the room temperature controlled recesses of my closet. But still, I think I know a little something about them at this point. There was no real motivation for Sandler to get this remote. Why him? Did he really need the remote? Was he asking for it? No. Okay, I'm really just bitter because I've heard this question asked of shit I've written, but come on, why am I held to a higher standard? Oh yeah, cause I don't have the Malibu estate or the writing credentials. Which leads to a further issue:
How quick of a sale do you think that was? Okay, we take Adam Sandler, and we give him a remote control and he can fast forward his life, rewind it, pause, slow motion. Sold. That’s too easy, no studio wouldn’t make that movie. I don’t even think they would care what the script looked like. Just give it a catchy one word title and show Sandler slow motioning a jogger to watch her boobs and start counting the money. This thing didn’t have to earn anything. It was getting made no matter what.
But getting back to the fantasy thing. When you're going into this fake world, you have to establish some rules and stick by them. If you're just making them up as you go along, then all believability is gone. Why would there be any investment in what we're watching if you can change any rule at any moment? Maybe I am just bitter. But I think I'm right. And then of course, they totally pussed out on the ending. For a moment, I thought they were gonna do something cool. But of course, they remembered why they made the movie, to make shitloads of cash and buy more estates in Malibu.
This movie had a lot of pressure on it from me. The reason? Everyone has had this idea. Everyone. Trust me, they didn’t steal it from you or from me, everyone had it. It’s a cool idea, and an easy one to think of and understand, thus making it a great high concept story. But one thing that pisses me off more than anything is when someone takes an amazing idea, puts it into a big movie, and doesn’t do it right. You just ruined that idea for the rest of us! We only get one chance and then no one else can do it (well, for 10 years at least). With great ideas comes great responsibility. You must service it right. And that’s why there was pressure, because if you’re gonna do this great idea, you must do it as good if not better than we would have.
Interestingly, this movie was written by Steve Koren and Mark O’Keefe, who also wrote “Bruce Almighty”. So these guys have written 2 big summer comedies about a career obsessed man who meets a God-like figure who gives him the power to control his life. They’ve written the same movie twice. I’m sure they feel guilty about that. I’m sure they’re crying about it in their beach estates in Malibu right now.
I didn’t hate the movie, but I didn’t like it either. It’s basically 2 movies. The first half is the “comedy”, and the second half is the “drama”. Ironically, the downfall of the thing was the idea itself. This grandiose idea, that everyone has had, that is just too perfect not to do, was the reason this movie didn’t succeed. Let me explain:
First of all, these writers weren’t lazy. The problem is the opposite. They tried to do too much. It’s like they felt the responsibility of this idea and tried to do everything with it. And of course when you try to do everything you do nothing well. As a comedy, it’s not that funny. As a drama, it’s not that dramatic. As a cool movie, it’s kinda boring. For some reason, it just felt like it was going through the motions. All of the jokes you’d expect were there, but none of them popped. I think they were locked in the big idea jail. We have to do this joke, we have to do that joke, and then a dog has to hump a stuffed animal in fast motion. All of it was predictable and easy and...joyless.
So I was surprised that the “heart” of the movie almost saved it for me. The comedy just wasn’t cutting it. In fact, halfway through I was already planning out this whole thing I was gonna write about how sometimes they’re not even trying to make a good movie. But I think they were. They weren’t just trying to get to jokes, there was a theme and an actual story. Which is good. Unfortunately, the funny suffered for it.
One more problem I had was the "fantasy" element of the movie. Now, I don't want to brag or anything, but these are the type of movies I specialize in writing. True, after I write them, they sit comfortably in the room temperature controlled recesses of my closet. But still, I think I know a little something about them at this point. There was no real motivation for Sandler to get this remote. Why him? Did he really need the remote? Was he asking for it? No. Okay, I'm really just bitter because I've heard this question asked of shit I've written, but come on, why am I held to a higher standard? Oh yeah, cause I don't have the Malibu estate or the writing credentials. Which leads to a further issue:
How quick of a sale do you think that was? Okay, we take Adam Sandler, and we give him a remote control and he can fast forward his life, rewind it, pause, slow motion. Sold. That’s too easy, no studio wouldn’t make that movie. I don’t even think they would care what the script looked like. Just give it a catchy one word title and show Sandler slow motioning a jogger to watch her boobs and start counting the money. This thing didn’t have to earn anything. It was getting made no matter what.
But getting back to the fantasy thing. When you're going into this fake world, you have to establish some rules and stick by them. If you're just making them up as you go along, then all believability is gone. Why would there be any investment in what we're watching if you can change any rule at any moment? Maybe I am just bitter. But I think I'm right. And then of course, they totally pussed out on the ending. For a moment, I thought they were gonna do something cool. But of course, they remembered why they made the movie, to make shitloads of cash and buy more estates in Malibu.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
One More Wishbone Update
First of all, I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive in this time of need. It's been rough, and I couldn't have made it through without you guys.
Okay, here's the status:
Wishbone sent me a packet through the mail which included a letter of apology. Well, it wasn't really an apology but that was my interpretation of it. Also, they sent a booklet of coupons for items under the Unilever umbrella. Adding insult to injury, one of the coupons was for Wishbone Italian dressing, with a picture of my beloved original Italian on it. Bastards.
So someone was kind enough to find a website that sold my dressing. However, you had to buy it by the case, and if you buy food you have to get a minimum of 3 cases. All of this was fine, because at least when the nuclear winter hits, I'll have years of great salad dressing! But I was a little suspect because yes, they had a picture of the right dressing, but did they really have it or do they just not update their site very often? Before I would order 3 fricking cases of something that might be wrong, I had to call. Here is the transcript of that conversation:
MINDY: Food Service Direct, this is Mindy, how can I help you?
ME: (trying to be friends) Hey Mindy, how are you doing? I want to buy some Wishbone Italian salad dressing.
MINDY: Okay--
ME: But I want to make sure it's the right kind.
MINDY: Which kind would you like?
ME: (let's be buddies) Here's the deal, Mindy. You see, Wishbone has changed their formula and I'm looking for the old formula.
MINDY: (slowly realizing I'm insane) Huh?
ME: They changed the dressing, and I want the kind they used to have.
MINDY: (over it) What's the item number?
(I give her the item number)
MINDY: Shows here we have it.
ME: Yes, I know you have the picture of it. But what I need from you, Mindy, is a guarantee that I will be getting the bottle that's shown in the picture.
MINDY: I can't guarantee that.
ME: Well, can you check or something?
MINDY: No, we don't have the stuff here.
ME: So you have no way of telling me if I'll get what's on the picture or just whatever the latest thing Wishbone has sent you?
MINDY: Right. We just send what they give us.
ME: Is there anything you can do for me?
MINDY: No.
So the beat goes on. Here has been my solution: I use a combination of Bernstein's Italian Recipe (which someone recommended, and also a dressing I've had many times at my sister's house) and the new Wishbone Italian. That way, I get to keep the memory of that old Wishbone flavor without it being desecrated by all those new herbs and spices, along with a mild Italian to fill in the blanks. It's not perfect, but it's not bad.
The toll of my solution: 15 different salad dressings that didn't make the cut sit in my refrigerator, never to be touched again.
Okay, here's the status:
Wishbone sent me a packet through the mail which included a letter of apology. Well, it wasn't really an apology but that was my interpretation of it. Also, they sent a booklet of coupons for items under the Unilever umbrella. Adding insult to injury, one of the coupons was for Wishbone Italian dressing, with a picture of my beloved original Italian on it. Bastards.
So someone was kind enough to find a website that sold my dressing. However, you had to buy it by the case, and if you buy food you have to get a minimum of 3 cases. All of this was fine, because at least when the nuclear winter hits, I'll have years of great salad dressing! But I was a little suspect because yes, they had a picture of the right dressing, but did they really have it or do they just not update their site very often? Before I would order 3 fricking cases of something that might be wrong, I had to call. Here is the transcript of that conversation:
MINDY: Food Service Direct, this is Mindy, how can I help you?
ME: (trying to be friends) Hey Mindy, how are you doing? I want to buy some Wishbone Italian salad dressing.
MINDY: Okay--
ME: But I want to make sure it's the right kind.
MINDY: Which kind would you like?
ME: (let's be buddies) Here's the deal, Mindy. You see, Wishbone has changed their formula and I'm looking for the old formula.
MINDY: (slowly realizing I'm insane) Huh?
ME: They changed the dressing, and I want the kind they used to have.
MINDY: (over it) What's the item number?
(I give her the item number)
MINDY: Shows here we have it.
ME: Yes, I know you have the picture of it. But what I need from you, Mindy, is a guarantee that I will be getting the bottle that's shown in the picture.
MINDY: I can't guarantee that.
ME: Well, can you check or something?
MINDY: No, we don't have the stuff here.
ME: So you have no way of telling me if I'll get what's on the picture or just whatever the latest thing Wishbone has sent you?
MINDY: Right. We just send what they give us.
ME: Is there anything you can do for me?
MINDY: No.
So the beat goes on. Here has been my solution: I use a combination of Bernstein's Italian Recipe (which someone recommended, and also a dressing I've had many times at my sister's house) and the new Wishbone Italian. That way, I get to keep the memory of that old Wishbone flavor without it being desecrated by all those new herbs and spices, along with a mild Italian to fill in the blanks. It's not perfect, but it's not bad.
The toll of my solution: 15 different salad dressings that didn't make the cut sit in my refrigerator, never to be touched again.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
"Oh snap, that's my jam"
I forgot how hard it is for me to write about stuff when there is no new television on the air. And I’m always reluctant to write about music because I know that the only people who agree with my tastes are homosexual black men and my mom. But I’m gonna give it a shot, mostly because ever since I finally caught on with the Ipod revolution, I’ve eagerly looked forward to every Tuesday to buy new stuff. And I think it’s been a pretty cool summer thus far.
I wrote this thing about “Song Killers”, and how one of the worst things that can happen is when one of your favorite artists hooks up with a song killer, like when R. Kelly started doing songs with Twista. Well, one of the song killers I talked about was Busta Rhymes. Generally, every song he is on I hate. It’s nothing personal, I think he’s talented, but I cannot stand the way he raps. Stop yelling, dude.
Unfortunately, Mr. Rhymes left his label J Records and signed with Aftermath, the label of the greatest musical force of our time, Dr. Dre. This was a very disappointing development, because it’s tough for even a genius like Dre to make Busta good. But then the first single came out, “That’s My Chick”. And it is AWESOME! First of all, it’s actually not produced by Dre, but by another very talented guy, Will I. Am of Black Eyed Peas. And the reason it’s good is because Busta doesn’t rap like Busta on it, rather he does his best Kanye impression. I love that fricking song.
Thus, I bought the album, and it's pretty good. Dre’s beats are so good on this thing, that it makes you realize that all other music you’ve been listening to sucks. It’s just another level, and I’m not even that into music production and all that, but you can just tell. It’s like when you’re watching “Munich”, you may not like the movie, but when you’re watching it you know that a lot of money went into it, and that a serious movie maker created it. Good or bad, it feels professional, slick, and above all, important. That’s how Dre’s beats are. The most frustrating thing on the album? Q-Tip is on 2 songs. What the fuck? If Q-Tip did an album with Dre it would be over. Why is this not happening? Do they not want to make hits? Who wouldn't buy that? I don’t get it. Put Busta on 2 songs, let Tip have the whole album!
Okay, so there was a case of a great producer getting with a shitty rapper and making a good album. What would happen if you took a great producer and put him with a great singer? I give you Timbaland producing Nelly Furtado. And the results? Shitty. I’m a big Furtado fan, and a big Timbaland fan, yet I’m hating their music together. Judging from the Itunes download chart, I’m the only one who thinks that. But I’m sorry, those songs suck. Especially annoying about this collaboration? Justin Timberlake appears for no reason in the video for “Promiscuous”. Dude, make another album already! You’re on a hot streak, bro, you dumped Britney at the exact right moment in history.
Anyway, other musical notes:
Um, when in the hell is that new Pharrell album coming out? I haven't been teased like this since my 3rd grade teacher said my adulthood would feature flying cars (supposedly it's coming out July 25th)
We all have to collectively face our worst fears: the Paris Hilton song is kinda good. You heard me.
Another opinion know one agrees with: I don’t like Gnarls Barkley. Look, I appreciate their shit and I’m glad their popular, it evens out the fact that people like the “Pussycat Dolls” are popular, but I just can’t get into it. It’s like Outkast for me, I like the music I just hate the vocals. And I know, you don’t agree with me.
I really like that Field Mob/Ciara song. But I’m willing to like it less if Ciara ever appears on “Sweet Sixteen” again.
For some reason I’m in love with the “I’m in Love with a Stripper” remix. Actually, I know the reason I’m in love with it: R. Kelly has a verse in it that I’m obsessed with. He starts it by going “Never knew it was possible for a man to fall in love with an ass/I want to get down on one knee and ask that ass to marry me”. Which is funny in itself, but then I saw the video, and he literally gets down on one knee with a wedding ring and asks an ass to marry him. He’s insane! How could anyone be surprised by anything that’s on his sex tapes. (Please, you gotta watch R.'s proposal to an ass)
Seriously, why wasn’t “Shake It” by Eminem and Nate Dogg a bigger hit?
Just give in to the musical charms of Chamillionaire. That’s right, his name’s Chamillionaire.
I’m not that into Ice Cube’s new album, but I do like a song on there called “Doin’ What It ‘Pose 2 Do”. But how do I say that to anyone without sounding like a huge dork. Say that title to yourself right now, it’s ridiculous. Imagine Elton John "And the Grammy goes to "Ice Cube for Doin' What It 'Pose 2 Do"
Robin Thicke has an album coming out July 18th. He did a cool song with Pharrell called "Wanna Love You Girl" that I love. I'm also fascinated by this guy because he's like a dream version of myself, except for the fact that his dad played Kirk Cameron's father in "Growing Pains".
I wrote this thing about “Song Killers”, and how one of the worst things that can happen is when one of your favorite artists hooks up with a song killer, like when R. Kelly started doing songs with Twista. Well, one of the song killers I talked about was Busta Rhymes. Generally, every song he is on I hate. It’s nothing personal, I think he’s talented, but I cannot stand the way he raps. Stop yelling, dude.
Unfortunately, Mr. Rhymes left his label J Records and signed with Aftermath, the label of the greatest musical force of our time, Dr. Dre. This was a very disappointing development, because it’s tough for even a genius like Dre to make Busta good. But then the first single came out, “That’s My Chick”. And it is AWESOME! First of all, it’s actually not produced by Dre, but by another very talented guy, Will I. Am of Black Eyed Peas. And the reason it’s good is because Busta doesn’t rap like Busta on it, rather he does his best Kanye impression. I love that fricking song.
Thus, I bought the album, and it's pretty good. Dre’s beats are so good on this thing, that it makes you realize that all other music you’ve been listening to sucks. It’s just another level, and I’m not even that into music production and all that, but you can just tell. It’s like when you’re watching “Munich”, you may not like the movie, but when you’re watching it you know that a lot of money went into it, and that a serious movie maker created it. Good or bad, it feels professional, slick, and above all, important. That’s how Dre’s beats are. The most frustrating thing on the album? Q-Tip is on 2 songs. What the fuck? If Q-Tip did an album with Dre it would be over. Why is this not happening? Do they not want to make hits? Who wouldn't buy that? I don’t get it. Put Busta on 2 songs, let Tip have the whole album!
Okay, so there was a case of a great producer getting with a shitty rapper and making a good album. What would happen if you took a great producer and put him with a great singer? I give you Timbaland producing Nelly Furtado. And the results? Shitty. I’m a big Furtado fan, and a big Timbaland fan, yet I’m hating their music together. Judging from the Itunes download chart, I’m the only one who thinks that. But I’m sorry, those songs suck. Especially annoying about this collaboration? Justin Timberlake appears for no reason in the video for “Promiscuous”. Dude, make another album already! You’re on a hot streak, bro, you dumped Britney at the exact right moment in history.
Anyway, other musical notes:
Um, when in the hell is that new Pharrell album coming out? I haven't been teased like this since my 3rd grade teacher said my adulthood would feature flying cars (supposedly it's coming out July 25th)
We all have to collectively face our worst fears: the Paris Hilton song is kinda good. You heard me.
Another opinion know one agrees with: I don’t like Gnarls Barkley. Look, I appreciate their shit and I’m glad their popular, it evens out the fact that people like the “Pussycat Dolls” are popular, but I just can’t get into it. It’s like Outkast for me, I like the music I just hate the vocals. And I know, you don’t agree with me.
I really like that Field Mob/Ciara song. But I’m willing to like it less if Ciara ever appears on “Sweet Sixteen” again.
For some reason I’m in love with the “I’m in Love with a Stripper” remix. Actually, I know the reason I’m in love with it: R. Kelly has a verse in it that I’m obsessed with. He starts it by going “Never knew it was possible for a man to fall in love with an ass/I want to get down on one knee and ask that ass to marry me”. Which is funny in itself, but then I saw the video, and he literally gets down on one knee with a wedding ring and asks an ass to marry him. He’s insane! How could anyone be surprised by anything that’s on his sex tapes. (Please, you gotta watch R.'s proposal to an ass)
Seriously, why wasn’t “Shake It” by Eminem and Nate Dogg a bigger hit?
Just give in to the musical charms of Chamillionaire. That’s right, his name’s Chamillionaire.
I’m not that into Ice Cube’s new album, but I do like a song on there called “Doin’ What It ‘Pose 2 Do”. But how do I say that to anyone without sounding like a huge dork. Say that title to yourself right now, it’s ridiculous. Imagine Elton John "And the Grammy goes to "Ice Cube for Doin' What It 'Pose 2 Do"
Robin Thicke has an album coming out July 18th. He did a cool song with Pharrell called "Wanna Love You Girl" that I love. I'm also fascinated by this guy because he's like a dream version of myself, except for the fact that his dad played Kirk Cameron's father in "Growing Pains".
Monday, June 19, 2006
Blumberg, The Agent
Had a meeting with my agent today. I feel like I should give him a nickname for blog purposes. Let’s call him Blumberg. Why Blumberg? Cause he looks a lot like the character Sean Blumberg from the show “Felicity”. He was the one who was always trying to get his new condiment, smoothaise, off the ground. Trust me, it was funnier than I’m making it sound.
So anyway, Blumberg and I had what’s called “A Breakfast”. It’s where we meet at a place near his office and he eats something disgusting while I drink orange juice. It’s very uncomfortable. Also uncomfortable? He’s wearing a three piece suit and I’m wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and flip flops. I might not be a great writer, but I really know how to dress the part.
It’s funny cause no matter where we go, everyone working at the place knows him by name. He probably has a meeting with a different T-shirt wearing smartass everyday of the week. Also, he drives a BMW X5, and I drive…a non-BMW X5. Doesn’t he work for me? Aren’t I the superstar and he my employee? Not according to our cars.
So Blumberg starts going into his rap, which I am helpless against. I always go into these things with a game plan – I’m going to be aggressive, persistent, push for him to work harder for me and do the shit I want him to do. And then he starts talking and the game plan goes to hell. Why? Because he says all of that shit before I can. He’s an agent, bullshit is his job and I am no match for it. His plans are way bigger than the stuff I was going to say, you know why? Because he lives in bullshit land and I live in reality world. But his B.S. trumps my reality so anything I say sounds pathetic. He’s got me meeting with Will Ferrell’s people and Adam Sandler’s people, meanwhile I just want to write Britney Spears jokes for Jimmy Kimmel. Why the hell am I going to interrupt him with my sad goals while he’s got me writing Anchorman 2?
Agents all go to the same school for this stuff. They have this speech where they go “If you have GENERIC COMEDY idea, I can get you into a room with HUGE SUPERSTAR WHO YOU WILL NEVER BE IN A ROOM WITH, and if you want to do SOMETHING YOU DON”T WANT TO DO, then we can go to SOMEONE YOU HATE with it. And that’s fine, I get it, but what drives me insane is that they persist with this crap even after you’re with them. All right, dude, I’m sold, now let’s be honest with each other. But they don’t, they’re forever selling.
So one time I was with a feature agent, and she gave me that speech and I decided I’d call her on it. She goes “If you have an idea that you think would be good for Will Ferrell, I can get you into a room with his production company”. So I go, “really? Well as a matter of fact, I have an idea that would be perfect for him”. Immediately, she had a deer in a headlights look. She says “Let’s hear it”. I pitch this idea, which by the way, is AMAZING. And I’m not just tooting my own horn here, everyone I’ve pitched this idea too has said it is genius. And it’s not even that it will necessary make a genius movie or anything, it’s just a really good one line high concept thing to say. You know how sometimes you can say a movie in one sentence? This is one of those ideas. You get it right away. So I say it, and she goes “Hmmm, I don’t know. Keep working on it.” What the fuck? I thought if I had an idea then I was in the room. I guess they can only get you in the room if you have a great idea AND are blowing Will Ferrell.
But overall it was a good meeting, there are some things he’s gonna put me up for so we’ll see what happens. After every one of these meetings, I always get all pumped up about writing shit and churning out ideas. Because even though I know it’s all bullshit, there is a little part of me that believes that if I do it I will be in a room with Will Ferrell. Unfortunately, I will have to be blowing him.
So anyway, Blumberg and I had what’s called “A Breakfast”. It’s where we meet at a place near his office and he eats something disgusting while I drink orange juice. It’s very uncomfortable. Also uncomfortable? He’s wearing a three piece suit and I’m wearing jeans, a T-shirt, and flip flops. I might not be a great writer, but I really know how to dress the part.
It’s funny cause no matter where we go, everyone working at the place knows him by name. He probably has a meeting with a different T-shirt wearing smartass everyday of the week. Also, he drives a BMW X5, and I drive…a non-BMW X5. Doesn’t he work for me? Aren’t I the superstar and he my employee? Not according to our cars.
So Blumberg starts going into his rap, which I am helpless against. I always go into these things with a game plan – I’m going to be aggressive, persistent, push for him to work harder for me and do the shit I want him to do. And then he starts talking and the game plan goes to hell. Why? Because he says all of that shit before I can. He’s an agent, bullshit is his job and I am no match for it. His plans are way bigger than the stuff I was going to say, you know why? Because he lives in bullshit land and I live in reality world. But his B.S. trumps my reality so anything I say sounds pathetic. He’s got me meeting with Will Ferrell’s people and Adam Sandler’s people, meanwhile I just want to write Britney Spears jokes for Jimmy Kimmel. Why the hell am I going to interrupt him with my sad goals while he’s got me writing Anchorman 2?
Agents all go to the same school for this stuff. They have this speech where they go “If you have GENERIC COMEDY idea, I can get you into a room with HUGE SUPERSTAR WHO YOU WILL NEVER BE IN A ROOM WITH, and if you want to do SOMETHING YOU DON”T WANT TO DO, then we can go to SOMEONE YOU HATE with it. And that’s fine, I get it, but what drives me insane is that they persist with this crap even after you’re with them. All right, dude, I’m sold, now let’s be honest with each other. But they don’t, they’re forever selling.
So one time I was with a feature agent, and she gave me that speech and I decided I’d call her on it. She goes “If you have an idea that you think would be good for Will Ferrell, I can get you into a room with his production company”. So I go, “really? Well as a matter of fact, I have an idea that would be perfect for him”. Immediately, she had a deer in a headlights look. She says “Let’s hear it”. I pitch this idea, which by the way, is AMAZING. And I’m not just tooting my own horn here, everyone I’ve pitched this idea too has said it is genius. And it’s not even that it will necessary make a genius movie or anything, it’s just a really good one line high concept thing to say. You know how sometimes you can say a movie in one sentence? This is one of those ideas. You get it right away. So I say it, and she goes “Hmmm, I don’t know. Keep working on it.” What the fuck? I thought if I had an idea then I was in the room. I guess they can only get you in the room if you have a great idea AND are blowing Will Ferrell.
But overall it was a good meeting, there are some things he’s gonna put me up for so we’ll see what happens. After every one of these meetings, I always get all pumped up about writing shit and churning out ideas. Because even though I know it’s all bullshit, there is a little part of me that believes that if I do it I will be in a room with Will Ferrell. Unfortunately, I will have to be blowing him.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
New Shows
So I've been too busy to watch the new summer shows I wrote about earlier, but this weekend I finally got a chance to catch up.
First, I watched "Lucky Louie". As I said, this tapes on the same lot we tape on and stars a stand up comedian so it's something people at my office were particularly interested in. Before I finally saw it, I had heard a lot of negative shit from the people here. And like my idol Jessica mentioned, the lighting and sets of the show looked weird in the promos.
Well, I actually thought it was pretty good. Not great by any means, but more like a good start that I think will improve. I've worked on a couple shows from their inception, and the beginning has always been rocky, as this was. And if you've watched "The Showbiz Show" or the American version of "The Office", you've seen for yourselves how much better a show can get when given time to get into a groove.
The first episode was really inconsistent. I thought there were a lot of good, hard jokes, but also some just flat out shittiness. I've heard rumors that many of the upcoming episodes were written by different writers and are awesome, so we'll see.
However, as for the lighting and the sets, what the fuck? I mean, I absolutely love the idea of doing an old fashioned sitcom, but does it have to look like it was shot in the '50's. I don't get that. It's cool to be three camera and simple, but there's no reason to make it look so crappy that it's just distracting. Lame.
The other show I finally got to watch was "Windfall". This was actually the complete opposite of "Lucky Louie" for me. I really enjoyed the pilot all the way through, but where I think "Lucky Louie" will get better and better, I hope that "Windfall" can maintain it's start and not pull a "OC" or "24" (the first season) on us. As I've discussed many times here before, it's not that hard to make a good pilot, but it's really hard to maintain that shit.
I felt the great Luke Perry was underutilized, come on, when he won that money he should've headed straight for the Belage Hotel, right? And it seemed like there were too many characters. You just hope that there aren't boring ones and then we'll be stuck watching people like Andrea Zuckerman and Nat for half the show. But overall, I thought it was cool. I hope it can keep it up.
On the other hand, have you been watching "Rescue Me"?!!? It's so freaking good. I'm not gonna say it's better than "Lost", but it's as good in a completely different way. I'm constantly blown away by it. And I used to hate when people would go all crazy about "The Shield" and "Nip/Tuck", mainly because I didn't watch those shows, and now I realize I'm one of those people about this show, but trust me, it's that good. Please watch it.
First, I watched "Lucky Louie". As I said, this tapes on the same lot we tape on and stars a stand up comedian so it's something people at my office were particularly interested in. Before I finally saw it, I had heard a lot of negative shit from the people here. And like my idol Jessica mentioned, the lighting and sets of the show looked weird in the promos.
Well, I actually thought it was pretty good. Not great by any means, but more like a good start that I think will improve. I've worked on a couple shows from their inception, and the beginning has always been rocky, as this was. And if you've watched "The Showbiz Show" or the American version of "The Office", you've seen for yourselves how much better a show can get when given time to get into a groove.
The first episode was really inconsistent. I thought there were a lot of good, hard jokes, but also some just flat out shittiness. I've heard rumors that many of the upcoming episodes were written by different writers and are awesome, so we'll see.
However, as for the lighting and the sets, what the fuck? I mean, I absolutely love the idea of doing an old fashioned sitcom, but does it have to look like it was shot in the '50's. I don't get that. It's cool to be three camera and simple, but there's no reason to make it look so crappy that it's just distracting. Lame.
The other show I finally got to watch was "Windfall". This was actually the complete opposite of "Lucky Louie" for me. I really enjoyed the pilot all the way through, but where I think "Lucky Louie" will get better and better, I hope that "Windfall" can maintain it's start and not pull a "OC" or "24" (the first season) on us. As I've discussed many times here before, it's not that hard to make a good pilot, but it's really hard to maintain that shit.
I felt the great Luke Perry was underutilized, come on, when he won that money he should've headed straight for the Belage Hotel, right? And it seemed like there were too many characters. You just hope that there aren't boring ones and then we'll be stuck watching people like Andrea Zuckerman and Nat for half the show. But overall, I thought it was cool. I hope it can keep it up.
On the other hand, have you been watching "Rescue Me"?!!? It's so freaking good. I'm not gonna say it's better than "Lost", but it's as good in a completely different way. I'm constantly blown away by it. And I used to hate when people would go all crazy about "The Shield" and "Nip/Tuck", mainly because I didn't watch those shows, and now I realize I'm one of those people about this show, but trust me, it's that good. Please watch it.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Story of Last Week
Basically my life has two parts to it – the part where I have a job and the part where I don’t. When I don’t have a job, it’s days at the beach, lots of “Golden Girls”, and prompt returning of phone calls and e-mails. When I do have a job, I’m locked in an office with Pamie for 18 hours a day and there’s no contact with the outside world, much less Bea Arthur. Right now, I’m working. And of my usual brutal weeks, this past week was particularly brutal. Let me back up and explain.
I’ve told Pamie and others this on the show before: There’s only one superstar here, and it ain’t us. It’s not called “Mind of Pamie” or “Mind of Handleman” for that matter, it’s called “Mind of Mencia”. Everyone that works here is a superstar in their own right. We have a lot of talented people, who are all used to being the superstars from wherever they came from. But you can’t be a superstar here. It is a very humbling place. You can be a hero one minute and an unfunny waste of time the next. And mostly, you’re an unfunny waste of time, even though you are not. But you are.
You see, this is not what’s called “a writer’s show”. Conan is a writer’s show, and so is Saturday Night Live. That is, the writers are given a lot of creative freedom and have a considerable amount of power in the “voice” of the show. This is not one of those places, and for good reason. This show is the voice of one man, who has 20 years of doing this voice with a very large and rabid fan base who want to hear that voice. So the writing must all go into reproducing that voice. And I want to state clearly that I’m not complaining about this at all, it is how it should be. Comedy Central didn’t give me a show, they give him one. Everything goes to facilitating his show and we all take pride in that, but it can make things difficult, pride wise.
It must be very strange and confusing for my friends and family who try to listen for “which joke is Irwin’s” and never hear it. I don’t do Irwin jokes on the show, I do Irwin jokes here. On the show, I do Carlos jokes, or at least try to do. This is why you cannot be a superstar here. Trying to reproduce that voice consistently is extremely difficult. And just when you think you have it, you’re wrong and not funny again.
Well, through a series of coincidences and a great deal of luck, I wrote three things that were to be shot during last week. Because of what I just described, this never happens. And I must stress, this happened TO me, I didn’t make it happen. It has nothing to do with me being hilarious or kicking ass on the show, it has to do with the craziness of the machine here.
But it was a very exciting and frustrating week. Herewith some of the details:
LAST TUESDAY
This was one of the good days. We’ve been very limited to the kinds of stuff we were allowed to do here, but lately things have been opening up. Suddenly, sketches were okay to do. And thus on Tuesday I found myself in San Pedro standing aboard a pirate ship. Yes, a pirate ship. When things get shitty around here, these are the times when you have to remind yourself that “I’m standing on a pirate ship telling pirate jokes and this is my job!”. Cause that’s pretty cool. It was the biggest production we’ve ever done on the show. Also cool. And a lot of pressure. Luckily, we had some talent there to help. I don’t know if I’m allowed to reveal the details of this bit, but a guy who’s been in movies and had his own TV show and currently has a show on MTV was there, as was a black comedian who used to be on one of my favorite shows (who I once labeled unfunny, but after meeting him and working with him it turns out he is actually hilarious. My bad.)
Most of the equipment was on a floating dock next to the boat, and that’s where I was located for most of the shooting. I don’t get sea sick, but standing on that dock almost broke my non-throw up streak – I haven’t blown chunks since the ‘80’s, people. But I made it out okay and the streak lives on!
Also in attendance on the shoot: an extremely attractive makeup girl. Now, I had met her on a previous shoot and thought she was cute but not that cute. Well, today for some reason, she was SMOKING hot. We chatted much of the day. And this is how good looking and cool she was: I pretended to be fine with the fact that she has a dog! Wow, that’s pretty amazing. I had to pull out my best method acting skills, I just kinda smiled and nodded as she brought it up. Fortunately, she happens to live right near me in Santa Monica! Unfortunately, she has a very serious boyfriend. However, this is slightly suspicious because it only came out AFTER we ate dinner together and I mistakenly brought up some of my food issues. Stupid!!! But in my defense, I didn’t bring it up, it was the gay makeup dude, who mentioned to her that I had never had soup, which of course led to a dissection of all of my food issues. That’s right, I don’t want to “at least try” sushi, get over it, motherfuckers!
Anyway, it was a pretty good, very long day. However it was frustrating. I don’t have power on this show, and so basically I was just there to watch and throw out funny lines if we needed them and make sure everything I wrote was getting shot. There were many things I would’ve differently, but I had to just sit back and watch as my shit got shot in a way I wasn’t all that thrilled about. But that’s the way it goes.
LAST FRIDAY
Another shoot, this one on a much smaller scale. This was a quick sketch planned for the opening of the show, and we did it all around the lot. The same frustration took place, but it should be cool and funny. Makeup girl was not there, so no damage control could be done about the food thing.
We did a thing using a stunt driver, and those bastards are crazy! But even crazier, is Carlos’ brother. He stood in the middle of the street as an SUV raced towards him at 30mph and then swerved around at the very last second. It was insane. I could barely watch, but after the car went by him, Carlos’ brother just laughed and kept eating his Egg McMuffin. He’s a tough dude. I think that’s why it doesn’t even make sense in his brain that I won’t even try soup. Everyday I see him he says: “You want some soup?!”
MONDAY
I was given another song to write. This one was not my idea, but I’m kinda the Weird Al Handleman over here, so it was given to me. With the help of a couple other people, we put a pretty good song together. Monday was the day to record it. And for some reason, unlike my previous songs, we went to a real studio in Hollywood to record it. It had to be one of the highlights of the season for me. They had a bunch of gold and platinum records up on their walls, all from people my mom and I love. Jodeci’s first album was done there, as was Janet Jackson’s “All for You”, and many others.
The studio was sick. It was huge, there was a big ole’ couch in there and a kitchen and everything. I sat down near the console with a bowl of fresh berries and grapes. Suck on that, Dr. Dre.
We recorded the song and as is standard over here, it took fucking forever. We had a choir in this one, and they were a little excited and couldn’t get their shit together. This was Carlos and I’s fourth song, so we were a little exacting about it, trying to get everything right. We also had some real musicians with us, so that helped. And it turned out well.
TUESDAY
We shot the video for the song yesterday. We did it on a huge green screen near our studio. It’s much better to do it that way as compared to the pirate ship, the controlled environment makes things so much easier. It went smooth and should be very funny. Once again, no one listened to me. I really realized that once I write it it’s out of my hands. Whatever.
I made the rookie mistake of not writing any booty girls into the video, but there was one girl there. That’s right, makeup girl. Just ridiculously good looking. We chatted again. First thing she brought up? Food. Fuck that makeup dude! Second thing she brought up? Her dog. Fuck her.
I’ve told Pamie and others this on the show before: There’s only one superstar here, and it ain’t us. It’s not called “Mind of Pamie” or “Mind of Handleman” for that matter, it’s called “Mind of Mencia”. Everyone that works here is a superstar in their own right. We have a lot of talented people, who are all used to being the superstars from wherever they came from. But you can’t be a superstar here. It is a very humbling place. You can be a hero one minute and an unfunny waste of time the next. And mostly, you’re an unfunny waste of time, even though you are not. But you are.
You see, this is not what’s called “a writer’s show”. Conan is a writer’s show, and so is Saturday Night Live. That is, the writers are given a lot of creative freedom and have a considerable amount of power in the “voice” of the show. This is not one of those places, and for good reason. This show is the voice of one man, who has 20 years of doing this voice with a very large and rabid fan base who want to hear that voice. So the writing must all go into reproducing that voice. And I want to state clearly that I’m not complaining about this at all, it is how it should be. Comedy Central didn’t give me a show, they give him one. Everything goes to facilitating his show and we all take pride in that, but it can make things difficult, pride wise.
It must be very strange and confusing for my friends and family who try to listen for “which joke is Irwin’s” and never hear it. I don’t do Irwin jokes on the show, I do Irwin jokes here. On the show, I do Carlos jokes, or at least try to do. This is why you cannot be a superstar here. Trying to reproduce that voice consistently is extremely difficult. And just when you think you have it, you’re wrong and not funny again.
Well, through a series of coincidences and a great deal of luck, I wrote three things that were to be shot during last week. Because of what I just described, this never happens. And I must stress, this happened TO me, I didn’t make it happen. It has nothing to do with me being hilarious or kicking ass on the show, it has to do with the craziness of the machine here.
But it was a very exciting and frustrating week. Herewith some of the details:
LAST TUESDAY
This was one of the good days. We’ve been very limited to the kinds of stuff we were allowed to do here, but lately things have been opening up. Suddenly, sketches were okay to do. And thus on Tuesday I found myself in San Pedro standing aboard a pirate ship. Yes, a pirate ship. When things get shitty around here, these are the times when you have to remind yourself that “I’m standing on a pirate ship telling pirate jokes and this is my job!”. Cause that’s pretty cool. It was the biggest production we’ve ever done on the show. Also cool. And a lot of pressure. Luckily, we had some talent there to help. I don’t know if I’m allowed to reveal the details of this bit, but a guy who’s been in movies and had his own TV show and currently has a show on MTV was there, as was a black comedian who used to be on one of my favorite shows (who I once labeled unfunny, but after meeting him and working with him it turns out he is actually hilarious. My bad.)
Most of the equipment was on a floating dock next to the boat, and that’s where I was located for most of the shooting. I don’t get sea sick, but standing on that dock almost broke my non-throw up streak – I haven’t blown chunks since the ‘80’s, people. But I made it out okay and the streak lives on!
Also in attendance on the shoot: an extremely attractive makeup girl. Now, I had met her on a previous shoot and thought she was cute but not that cute. Well, today for some reason, she was SMOKING hot. We chatted much of the day. And this is how good looking and cool she was: I pretended to be fine with the fact that she has a dog! Wow, that’s pretty amazing. I had to pull out my best method acting skills, I just kinda smiled and nodded as she brought it up. Fortunately, she happens to live right near me in Santa Monica! Unfortunately, she has a very serious boyfriend. However, this is slightly suspicious because it only came out AFTER we ate dinner together and I mistakenly brought up some of my food issues. Stupid!!! But in my defense, I didn’t bring it up, it was the gay makeup dude, who mentioned to her that I had never had soup, which of course led to a dissection of all of my food issues. That’s right, I don’t want to “at least try” sushi, get over it, motherfuckers!
Anyway, it was a pretty good, very long day. However it was frustrating. I don’t have power on this show, and so basically I was just there to watch and throw out funny lines if we needed them and make sure everything I wrote was getting shot. There were many things I would’ve differently, but I had to just sit back and watch as my shit got shot in a way I wasn’t all that thrilled about. But that’s the way it goes.
LAST FRIDAY
Another shoot, this one on a much smaller scale. This was a quick sketch planned for the opening of the show, and we did it all around the lot. The same frustration took place, but it should be cool and funny. Makeup girl was not there, so no damage control could be done about the food thing.
We did a thing using a stunt driver, and those bastards are crazy! But even crazier, is Carlos’ brother. He stood in the middle of the street as an SUV raced towards him at 30mph and then swerved around at the very last second. It was insane. I could barely watch, but after the car went by him, Carlos’ brother just laughed and kept eating his Egg McMuffin. He’s a tough dude. I think that’s why it doesn’t even make sense in his brain that I won’t even try soup. Everyday I see him he says: “You want some soup?!”
MONDAY
I was given another song to write. This one was not my idea, but I’m kinda the Weird Al Handleman over here, so it was given to me. With the help of a couple other people, we put a pretty good song together. Monday was the day to record it. And for some reason, unlike my previous songs, we went to a real studio in Hollywood to record it. It had to be one of the highlights of the season for me. They had a bunch of gold and platinum records up on their walls, all from people my mom and I love. Jodeci’s first album was done there, as was Janet Jackson’s “All for You”, and many others.
The studio was sick. It was huge, there was a big ole’ couch in there and a kitchen and everything. I sat down near the console with a bowl of fresh berries and grapes. Suck on that, Dr. Dre.
We recorded the song and as is standard over here, it took fucking forever. We had a choir in this one, and they were a little excited and couldn’t get their shit together. This was Carlos and I’s fourth song, so we were a little exacting about it, trying to get everything right. We also had some real musicians with us, so that helped. And it turned out well.
TUESDAY
We shot the video for the song yesterday. We did it on a huge green screen near our studio. It’s much better to do it that way as compared to the pirate ship, the controlled environment makes things so much easier. It went smooth and should be very funny. Once again, no one listened to me. I really realized that once I write it it’s out of my hands. Whatever.
I made the rookie mistake of not writing any booty girls into the video, but there was one girl there. That’s right, makeup girl. Just ridiculously good looking. We chatted again. First thing she brought up? Food. Fuck that makeup dude! Second thing she brought up? Her dog. Fuck her.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's Prayers Are Answered
INT. HEAVEN - DAY
ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI enters and sees heaven: 72 VIRGINS lounge around.
ZARQAWI
Praise be to Allah! 72 virgins...he is truly the greatest! Finally, I can get some tail!
Zarqawi moves over to a hot blonde virgin.
ZARQAWI
Um, hello there, pretty girl. It is me, Zarqawi, I am here to take you as my prize for martyrdom.
BLONDE VIRGIN
Nice pickup line. Like I haven't heard that a million times.
She walks off, muttering under her breath.
BLONDE VIRGIN
Fanatical Muslim douchebag.
Zarqawi shrugs it off and walks over to a voluptious brunette Virgin.
ZARQAWI
Yes, um, hello, I am Zarqawi.
BRUNETTE VIRGIN
And I am way too hot for you.
She walks away. Zarqawi is a little confused. He goes over to a BLACK VIRGIN.
ZARQAWI
Hi, how are you doing?
BLACK VIRGIN
Hello.
ZARQAWI
I would like to get inside you and blow myself up.
BLACK VIRGIN
I'm kinda saving myself for Cat Stevens.
Zarqawi is frustrated, he goes over to a ASIAN VIRGIN.
ZARQAWI
What about you?
ASIAN VIRGIN
Yeah, I'm waiting for Mike Tyson. Wait, he's still a Muslim, right?
Zarqawi is pissed. He looks over to see a huge swarm of Virgins huddled over by a couch. He goes over to see what the fuss is all about. Some Virgins leave the area and file past him.
ZARQAWI
Excuse me?
VIRGINS
Sorry, we're not virgins anymore.
Zarqawi gets to the couch and sees the him: the great Satan...SCOTT BAIO.
ZARQAWI
Who are you?
SCOTT BAIO
I'm Scott Baio.
ZARQAWI
Little Chachi from Happy Days, I loved that show!
SCOTT BAIO
Thanks, bro. Now will you hit the skids, you're killin' the vibe with the ladies.
ZARQAWI
But these are my virgins, what are you even doing here?
SCOTT BAIO
The Playboy Mansion got played out, dude. I had to find some new tang.
ZARQAWI
But I have fought and died for Jihad. This is my prize.
SCOTT BAIO
Jihad? Was that on ABC with Bob Saget?
ZARQAWI
No! It's the holy fight against the infidels.
SCOTT BAIO
Oh, well guess what bro, I starred in "Charles In Charge" and I have schtooped enough virgins for 10 jihads.
ZARQAWI slumps away.
ZARQAWI
All my life, for this...fucking Chachi!
ABU MUSAB AL-ZARQAWI enters and sees heaven: 72 VIRGINS lounge around.
ZARQAWI
Praise be to Allah! 72 virgins...he is truly the greatest! Finally, I can get some tail!
Zarqawi moves over to a hot blonde virgin.
ZARQAWI
Um, hello there, pretty girl. It is me, Zarqawi, I am here to take you as my prize for martyrdom.
BLONDE VIRGIN
Nice pickup line. Like I haven't heard that a million times.
She walks off, muttering under her breath.
BLONDE VIRGIN
Fanatical Muslim douchebag.
Zarqawi shrugs it off and walks over to a voluptious brunette Virgin.
ZARQAWI
Yes, um, hello, I am Zarqawi.
BRUNETTE VIRGIN
And I am way too hot for you.
She walks away. Zarqawi is a little confused. He goes over to a BLACK VIRGIN.
ZARQAWI
Hi, how are you doing?
BLACK VIRGIN
Hello.
ZARQAWI
I would like to get inside you and blow myself up.
BLACK VIRGIN
I'm kinda saving myself for Cat Stevens.
Zarqawi is frustrated, he goes over to a ASIAN VIRGIN.
ZARQAWI
What about you?
ASIAN VIRGIN
Yeah, I'm waiting for Mike Tyson. Wait, he's still a Muslim, right?
Zarqawi is pissed. He looks over to see a huge swarm of Virgins huddled over by a couch. He goes over to see what the fuss is all about. Some Virgins leave the area and file past him.
ZARQAWI
Excuse me?
VIRGINS
Sorry, we're not virgins anymore.
Zarqawi gets to the couch and sees the him: the great Satan...SCOTT BAIO.
ZARQAWI
Who are you?
SCOTT BAIO
I'm Scott Baio.
ZARQAWI
Little Chachi from Happy Days, I loved that show!
SCOTT BAIO
Thanks, bro. Now will you hit the skids, you're killin' the vibe with the ladies.
ZARQAWI
But these are my virgins, what are you even doing here?
SCOTT BAIO
The Playboy Mansion got played out, dude. I had to find some new tang.
ZARQAWI
But I have fought and died for Jihad. This is my prize.
SCOTT BAIO
Jihad? Was that on ABC with Bob Saget?
ZARQAWI
No! It's the holy fight against the infidels.
SCOTT BAIO
Oh, well guess what bro, I starred in "Charles In Charge" and I have schtooped enough virgins for 10 jihads.
ZARQAWI slumps away.
ZARQAWI
All my life, for this...fucking Chachi!
Saturday, June 10, 2006
I Don't Like Cartoons
I don't like cartoons. I find them, well, cartoony. But it's not that I don't recognize the great writing that occurs in cartoons. However, I kinda consider it cheating. You can do anything in cartoons so it takes away a lot of that cleverness. There are no budget limitations, there are no actors, there is no reality. Shrek makes a joke about the Titanic, boom, he's on the Titanic. Bugs Bunny decides he has the ability to fly, and then he flies. A smurf wants to blow himself, voila, he's blowing himself. It doesn't matter. It's a fucking cartoon!
Anyway, that's just a general thought. The real reason I'm bringing this up is because I woke up this morning, turned on the TV, went in the shower, then came into my room to get dressed and a Saturday morning cartoon was on NBC. Since I was distracted, I didn't turn the channel. But instantly, something got my attention.
The cartoon was something called "Kenny the Shark". And the show is about a family who has a pet shark (you know why you can do this premise? Cause it's a fucking cartoon!). Anyway, I was pulled into this show because in this particular episode, Kenny the Shark has to go to an "AA" style therapy group because he is...a predator. That's right, that's the word they used.
Now, if you were half asleep and getting dressed and not even really understanding what was on TV, there's no way you could not think it was "sexual predator". It was so fricking creepy, I couldn't believe it. He stands up at the meeting and says "I'm Kenny and I'm a predator. I can't get enough flesh". What the fuck? Kids are watching this! Various other animals, all voiced by adult males, stand up and say the same thing. It was insane. And then later in the meeting, a little seal walks in, and the shark goes after him and the seal says "I guess this is kharma" or something.
So the therapy doesn't work and then they try everything to try to cure him short of castrating him. Finally, the little girl in the show hypnotizes the shark and it works. But it backfires and the parents say "Well, I guess the cure is worse than the disease". I have no doubt this show is written by child molesters. The whole show was a defense for molestation! Kenny the Shark is like Nazi propaganda for pervs! I guess it's better that I don't watch this crap.
And guess what, all of this could only happen on a fucking cartoon!
Anyway, that's just a general thought. The real reason I'm bringing this up is because I woke up this morning, turned on the TV, went in the shower, then came into my room to get dressed and a Saturday morning cartoon was on NBC. Since I was distracted, I didn't turn the channel. But instantly, something got my attention.
The cartoon was something called "Kenny the Shark". And the show is about a family who has a pet shark (you know why you can do this premise? Cause it's a fucking cartoon!). Anyway, I was pulled into this show because in this particular episode, Kenny the Shark has to go to an "AA" style therapy group because he is...a predator. That's right, that's the word they used.
Now, if you were half asleep and getting dressed and not even really understanding what was on TV, there's no way you could not think it was "sexual predator". It was so fricking creepy, I couldn't believe it. He stands up at the meeting and says "I'm Kenny and I'm a predator. I can't get enough flesh". What the fuck? Kids are watching this! Various other animals, all voiced by adult males, stand up and say the same thing. It was insane. And then later in the meeting, a little seal walks in, and the shark goes after him and the seal says "I guess this is kharma" or something.
So the therapy doesn't work and then they try everything to try to cure him short of castrating him. Finally, the little girl in the show hypnotizes the shark and it works. But it backfires and the parents say "Well, I guess the cure is worse than the disease". I have no doubt this show is written by child molesters. The whole show was a defense for molestation! Kenny the Shark is like Nazi propaganda for pervs! I guess it's better that I don't watch this crap.
And guess what, all of this could only happen on a fucking cartoon!
Monday, June 05, 2006
I Forgot About Lucky Louie
So I had a conversation with my agent the other day, and it wasn't one of those "we're gonna pick Hollywood up and roll it into a little ball and put it right in our pocket!" type talks. It was more of the "comedy's fucked, kid. What you're doing is a dead industry, just pray your current beaner gig goes 10 seasons". Yeah, thanks. It's always good to hear from the person you depend on for jobs that your chosen vocation is now obsolete. It was pretty depressing. But he's right. Comedy is getting it's ass kicked right now. Dramas are number one, reality shows are number two, whatever "According to Jim" is is number three, game shows hosted by bad comediens from the 1980's four, then comedy. It sucks.
But I'm not worried. My creditors are worried, I'm not. These things go in cycles, and sitcoms are going to come back strong...I hope. I think sitcoms are going to incorporate a lot of the elements of dramas (series long story lines, "24" type cliff hangers from show to show), and also elements of reality shows (see: Curb). That is the future, people. But I'm not here to talk about my wacky theories, I'm here to talk about a new show called "Lucky Louie". A show that may or may not signal the comeback of the sitcom. But not the sitcom I think will be the future, but rather, the comeback of the traditional sitcom.
I forgot to mention this show when I talked about summer TV. I didn't forget because I'm not excited about it, I forgot because I've been hearing about this show for at least 2 years now, maybe longer. I actually kinda gave up on the whole thing, but I've been given assurances that it will in fact be airing on HBO starting June 11th.
I can't think of another show in the history of my life that I have heard more about before it aired. Seemingly all of my friends in the "business" have told me how great this show is going to be. And again, this has been going on for 2 fricking years (i'm not sure what the hold up was).
There are two reasons for the hype:
1. The show stars Louis CK, who every comic loves. He's that guy who is sort of under the radar, but every professional respects his shit to a crazy degree. However, I'd like to remind everyone that we've been burned by this before, see Colin Quinn. And also, this is the same guy who wrote and directed "Pootie Tang". I like his standup, I'm not crazy about it like some people. But apparently if you're a standup, you "get" how good he is (instead of "getting" it the traditional way, by it being actually funny)
2. The second reason for the hype is that the show is a traditional three camera sitcom, and it's on HBO. I've discussed 3 camera at length here before, and it's a format that I love and that some people think is dying. It's of note because HBO has never done this type of show before and is looked at by a lot of folks here in Hollywood as a crazy departure. But really, it's genius. That's why HBO rocks. They do shit that Hollywood says isn't good anymore - like westerns, and shows about carnies. 3 camera is not dead, it simply hasn't been done well in a long ass time. But when it's done right, it's as good or better than anything else there is on TV. And to prove it, just look at what sitcoms get rerun the most - Friends, Raymond, and Seinfeld. Those are the big boys, and they've sustained themselves pretty nicely.
Anyway, I will be watching and hoping it lives up to the hype. And if it doesn't, Louis CK works on the same lot as me, so I can personally give him any of your disappointed comments.
---By the way, I would like to apologize to everyone for "The Hills". It sucks. Or at least the first episode did. Why do they have to be so fakey? And why does that blonde chick have to be so annoying? I don't know, but let's hope it gets better.
But I'm not worried. My creditors are worried, I'm not. These things go in cycles, and sitcoms are going to come back strong...I hope. I think sitcoms are going to incorporate a lot of the elements of dramas (series long story lines, "24" type cliff hangers from show to show), and also elements of reality shows (see: Curb). That is the future, people. But I'm not here to talk about my wacky theories, I'm here to talk about a new show called "Lucky Louie". A show that may or may not signal the comeback of the sitcom. But not the sitcom I think will be the future, but rather, the comeback of the traditional sitcom.
I forgot to mention this show when I talked about summer TV. I didn't forget because I'm not excited about it, I forgot because I've been hearing about this show for at least 2 years now, maybe longer. I actually kinda gave up on the whole thing, but I've been given assurances that it will in fact be airing on HBO starting June 11th.
I can't think of another show in the history of my life that I have heard more about before it aired. Seemingly all of my friends in the "business" have told me how great this show is going to be. And again, this has been going on for 2 fricking years (i'm not sure what the hold up was).
There are two reasons for the hype:
1. The show stars Louis CK, who every comic loves. He's that guy who is sort of under the radar, but every professional respects his shit to a crazy degree. However, I'd like to remind everyone that we've been burned by this before, see Colin Quinn. And also, this is the same guy who wrote and directed "Pootie Tang". I like his standup, I'm not crazy about it like some people. But apparently if you're a standup, you "get" how good he is (instead of "getting" it the traditional way, by it being actually funny)
2. The second reason for the hype is that the show is a traditional three camera sitcom, and it's on HBO. I've discussed 3 camera at length here before, and it's a format that I love and that some people think is dying. It's of note because HBO has never done this type of show before and is looked at by a lot of folks here in Hollywood as a crazy departure. But really, it's genius. That's why HBO rocks. They do shit that Hollywood says isn't good anymore - like westerns, and shows about carnies. 3 camera is not dead, it simply hasn't been done well in a long ass time. But when it's done right, it's as good or better than anything else there is on TV. And to prove it, just look at what sitcoms get rerun the most - Friends, Raymond, and Seinfeld. Those are the big boys, and they've sustained themselves pretty nicely.
Anyway, I will be watching and hoping it lives up to the hype. And if it doesn't, Louis CK works on the same lot as me, so I can personally give him any of your disappointed comments.
---By the way, I would like to apologize to everyone for "The Hills". It sucks. Or at least the first episode did. Why do they have to be so fakey? And why does that blonde chick have to be so annoying? I don't know, but let's hope it gets better.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Response from Wishbone!
Wishbone has responded to my complaint:
First of all, you are NOT my friends anymore, okay Wishbone? And if you understand that taste is "highly individual preference", which by the way I don't even think is proper grammer, than why would you not keep regular Italian and have the extra spices thing as a separate product? And who are these consumers that you're testing it on? Monkeys? Have they been eating your salad dressing for 15 years? I doubt it. (as to the shitty grammar, I asked Pamie if that was as bad as I thought it was, and she pointed out that the person writing this probably hasn't had to write a letter like this in his entire tenure with Wishbone. He was probably so excited to get my complaint that he just strung his 3 most official sounding words together and hoped it would work out)
And by the way, I made it clear it my letter that I was uninterested in the other products from the "family of brands". That was the whole point of my letter! The rest of your shit sucks! Apparently, not only do the people at WishBone not know how to put sentences together properly, they also failed the reading comprehension portion of the SAT's.
Meanwhile, my whole world is turned upside down. I have to find a new salad dressing through trial and error, do you understand how expensive that is? I've got 4 bottles in my fridge right now, all duds, and I'm out 13 bucks!
Damn you, Wishbone, damn you and your extra herbs and spices!
Hello Irwin,
Thanks for writing to share your thoughts about our product. We apologize that you are disappointed with this change. We understand that taste is highly individual preference. Before introducing our products, they are subjected to extensive consumer taste testing. Products are then reevaluated on a regular basis, and formulation changes may occur.
We will forward your comments to the appropriate staff, and you will be receiving a complimentary coupon selection for products from the Unilever Bestfoods family of brands.
Best regards,Your friends at Wish-Bone
tn
First of all, you are NOT my friends anymore, okay Wishbone? And if you understand that taste is "highly individual preference", which by the way I don't even think is proper grammer, than why would you not keep regular Italian and have the extra spices thing as a separate product? And who are these consumers that you're testing it on? Monkeys? Have they been eating your salad dressing for 15 years? I doubt it. (as to the shitty grammar, I asked Pamie if that was as bad as I thought it was, and she pointed out that the person writing this probably hasn't had to write a letter like this in his entire tenure with Wishbone. He was probably so excited to get my complaint that he just strung his 3 most official sounding words together and hoped it would work out)
And by the way, I made it clear it my letter that I was uninterested in the other products from the "family of brands". That was the whole point of my letter! The rest of your shit sucks! Apparently, not only do the people at WishBone not know how to put sentences together properly, they also failed the reading comprehension portion of the SAT's.
Meanwhile, my whole world is turned upside down. I have to find a new salad dressing through trial and error, do you understand how expensive that is? I've got 4 bottles in my fridge right now, all duds, and I'm out 13 bucks!
Damn you, Wishbone, damn you and your extra herbs and spices!
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