In Your Face, Chad!

They are airing our episodes in a different order than we filmed them, so I didn't realize I'm appearing in the one that's on tonight. You may not believe this, but trust me, this appearance is far more embarrassing than my turn as the gay man getting auctioned off. I'm not shirtless or getting my ass grabbed by an old Mexican man, but somehow it's way worse.

It's in something called "America Without" and comes on after the first commercial (after Carlos' monologue). And guess who I play? That's right, the white guy.

So if you want to have even more material to make fun of me with, set your TiVO's.

A Prediction...

That someday we will look upon "John Tucker Must Die" in the same way we now look upon "Mr. Wrong".

I Married Another Girl This Weekend

It seems like there are two types of writers: those who write stories based on their lives and those who completely make shit up. I consider myself to be in the second category, basically because my life is boring. How many people want to watch a movie about a guy who sits around watching 90210 and doesn't eat soup? Not many. And I think that I'm lucky to be in this category because some of the people in the 1st category have only 1 story to tell (Hello, Nia Vardalos). And it can be a little annoying, like when that asshole Antoine Fisher had the nerve to write a screenplay called "Antoine Fisher". If you guys ever see a movie entitled "Irwin Handleman" written by Irwin Handleman, please shoot Irwin Handleman in the head.

So here I am, thinking nothing in my life is movie material, and trying to come up with completely made up ideas, and then I see a movie getting made that is based on my life! Whoops. Maybe my life is something more than not eating soup. The movie is called "Good Luck, Chuck", and stars Dane Cook in the role of Irwin and Jessica Alba in the role of girl I could only get in a movie. It's about a guy who everytime he breaks up with a girl, the next guy she meets, she marries. This is my life!

Let's go through the history of this:

It all started upon my first arrival to LA back in 1999. The Clinton years. After 11 solid months, the new millenium was apparently too much for my girlfriend and I to handle and we parted ways. 3 months later, she and her future husband were in love.

I moved on. My next girlfriend Tania, who was affectionately known to one and all as "Crazy Asian". She wasn't crazy cause she was Asian, she was crazy cause she was an actress. Well, she was an accountant, but she also acted. This was a landmark relationship because it led to the perception that I "only" liked Asian girls, when in fact I just like all girls. So what happened? Well, I do this thing where I go out with a girl and at first I think "Wow, this is great. She's crazy!" And then a couple months later I go "Wow, this is terrible. She's crazy!" 7 months into this is when the "bad crazy" hit me and it ended. 6 months later, she met a white dude in a band and they are currently married and living happily ever after Irwin.

All right, this next one only sorta counts. I dated this girl - a red head (see? all girls!) - for maybe a month or two. A couple months later I was playing volleyball, and a friend of a friend of hers goes: "Did you hear about Maria?" "No." "She got married and moved to China!" Nice. I take special pride in this one, cause not only did I immediately send her to marriage, I also moved her to a communist country.

Next up, a long and rocky relationship. Lots of ups and downs. We breakup. And now? Married with a kid.

So anyway, the movie version of this story is filming right now, and so is the real life version. I got a call from my last girfriend yesterday and she started off the conversation by saying "I have some great news!". If this had been the second time or the third time or even the fourth time I had heard something like this from an ex-girlfriend, maybe I would've guessed "You won the lottery?" or "You climbed Everest?", but with the wisdom that comes with old age, I simply responded "You got engaged". And of course I was right. She met this guy soon after we broke up, and were living together 6 months after that. I have struck again. I have married yet another girl. You're welcome.

So what's up with this? I don't know. Maybe it's all just a big coincidence, or maybe the experience of going out with me reaffirms their belief in guys and prepares them for the possibility of a lifelong, committed relationship, or maybe I so badly scar these girls with my hatred of food and animals and love of R. Kelly and Jason Priestley that they leap into the arms of the very next thing that comes along just to shelter themselves from the horror that was Irwin.

Yeah, I think it's the second one too.

Burger King and Midgets

I usually don't pay attention to commercials. This is mostly due to the invention of TiVO, but partly because of my untreated attention deficit disorder. People used to bring up "famous" commercials to me at work and I would have no idea what they were talking about. Although there was the one time where I pitched a "Brown and Bubbly" spoof that featured Carlos on the toilet, but that was a Super Bowl commercial and just too good to pass up (we didn't do it, so I guess my bosses COULD pass it up).

There is a commercial that is currently running that makes me giggle everytime I see it or even think about it. It's a Burger King ad. The premise of the commercial is that the building of a burger is like the building of a skyscraper, and they have a construction site where tiny men build the thing using a crane and wearing hard hats, etc. Of course to achieve this effect, the men running the construction are digitally miniaturized so it looks like they are much smaller than the burgers.

Okay, now here's where it gets funny: The actors playing these men are all midgets!

Do you understand how insane this is?! Why are they midgets? Are they expecting us to believe that midgets are actually smaller than burgers? Is that what they're implying? I don't know why this is so hilarious to me, but it is. What was that pitch meeting like?

AD GUY #1
So we'll have these guys building one of our burgers, they'll operate a crane and bring the giant patty over...

AD GUY #2
Wait. How are we gonna have guys doing this, should we have giant patties?"

AD GUY #1
No. Too expensive.

AD GUY #2
I got it! We'll use midgets! Midgets are smaller than burgers!

They must have been so bummed when they got to the set and realized that midgets aren't actually 2 inches tall. Seriously though, why are they midgets? You're using a computer to digitally make the actors smaller, you don't need small actors! And it's not that I'm discriminating against midgets, cause some of them could've been midgets. It's just that since all of them are, then Burger King must be saying that midgets are smaller than hamburgers.

I'm not a heightist at all, and I know that the word "midget" is a sore spot for some of them. But I'm friends with a midget, and we feel that midget needs to go the way of the "N" word. "What's up, my midget?"

No, if anyone is a heightist, it's Burger King. If only because they think that midgets need a crane to build a hamburger.

Paul Giamatti Quiz

Paul Giamatti stars in "Lady in the Water" which is out this weekend to terrible reviews. But regardless, Mr. Giamatti is one of our finest actors working today, if not ever. His skill in transforming himself into a wide range of different characters is astounding. The man is a chameleon. And I've been so impressed with all of the different faces of this fine thespian, that I decided to put together a little quiz to celebrate his accomplishments.

The quiz is quite simple, I give you quotes from a movie review of a Paul Giamatti film, and you guess which dazzling Giamatti performance they are describing. Let's play!

(These are real quotes from real reviews)


1. "The complex is home to an eclectic group of misfits, beginning with Paul Giamatti...Giamatti is appropriately schlubby and dour as the Everyman thrust into the organizing role."

Is it...A) Storytelling B) Sideways C) Lady in the Water


2. "(Paul Giamatti's character) is miserable and he should be. He is hunched over, depressed, angry, vengeful, and an unattractive little man."

Is it...A) Paycheck B) American Splendor C) Sideways


3. "...played by Paul Giamatti, who ticks and stutters his way through a battery of mannerisms in a nerdy performance that is more annoying and affected than usual, which is saying a lot."

Is it...A) American Splendor B) Lady in the Water C) Sideways


4. "This short, anecdotal and ironic comedy stars Paul Giamatti as a lonely, socially inept nerd..."

Is it...A) Sideways B) Storytelling C) Big Fat Liar


5. "The place is haphazardly managed by a stuttering drabster (Paul Giamatti)...has undone Giamatti, who doesn't stand a chance at making the guy relatable, even as a schlub.

Is it...A) Paycheck B) The Ant Bully C) Lady in the Water


6. There is some comic relief from a schlubby scientist played by Paul Giamatti.

Is it...A) Paycheck B) The Negotiator C) Confidence


7. "(The movie's) schlumpy hero...a lovable, cantankerous curmudgeon...

Is it...A) American Splendor B) Lady in the Water C) Sideways


8. "...a sad-sack worrier who has been depressed for the last two years..."

Is it...A) Cinderella Man B) Sideways C) Lady in the Water


9. "A disheveled dweeb with horn-rimmed glasses..."

Is it...A) American Splendor B) Lady in the Water C) Sidways


10. "Glum and awkward..."

Is it...A) Storytelling B) American Splendor C) The Ant Bully


11. "Schlub..."

Is it...A) Sidways B) Confidence C) Storytelling


12. "Loser..."

Is it...A) Private Parts B) American Splendor C) Sideways






answers: 1) c 2) c 3) b 4) b 5) c 6) a 7) a 8) b 9) a 10) all paul giamatti films 11) all paul giamatti films 12) all paul giamatti films

Insane EW Claim of the Week

Just a quick note...

I'm a little slow on my Entertainment Weekly reading, but they recently claimed:

"ACTOR Will Smith: One of Hollywood's most bankable stars, he hasn't had a credible hit song since 1991's ''Summertime.''

Uh..."Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"? The hell? Yeah, that was just an underground song, you couldn't ever hear that on the radio or see a video for it. Didn't Seinfeld do a whole episode about the meaning of "Getting Jiggy"?

I'm no Will Smith fan, but come on...that song plus "Miami" were obnoxously big hits. And just for the record, "Jiggy" was number one on the singles chart for 3 weeks in 1998, not to mention the fact that he had 2 platinum albums after "Summertime".

Oh my God! Look at what EW's doing to me! I'm defending Will Smith's honor. I feel dirty, and it's all their fault. Bastards. It's getting to the point though where I really feel that they are doing this on purpose. It's like the writers have been given a directive to say crazy shit to stir up the readership. It's the Fox News strategy of "if they don't like us, make them hate us"! Well it's official, I hate you.

Told You So

Last year, as Lance Armstrong was winning his 7th Tour De France, I wrote a bit called "Tour De Not That Hard". I questioned how hard this race was since it seems like the people winning it always have some sort of fucked up condition - Lance had cancer, Greg Lemond had been shot a bunch of times, etc. Well, Lance has retired and guess who is winning the tour right now. This guy:

Bad hip doesn't stop Landis
Doctors stunned cyclist is contender in Tour de France

CHICAGO - Elite cyclist Floyd Landis has Tour de France fans and even many physicians stumped. How can a guy whose hip is falling apart hop on a bike, let alone be a contender in this most grueling challenge? His degenerating condition has crumbled the ball of his hip joint so that it no longer fits neatly into the socket, his doctor says. The irregular-shaped bone has ground down surrounding cartilage, and arthritis has set in. Landis, 30, broke his right hip and severed its blood supply in a fall on gravel during a steep downhill training ride near his California home three years ago. Three subsequent operations failed to fix the problem, and without blood to nourish the joint, his hip bone slowly has been dying.

Wow, what an incredible story. I haven't heard about a guy overcoming so much since last year's Tour De France, or the one before that, or every single one before that. How can a guy like that be a contender in "this most grueling challenge"? Cause it's not that fricking hard!

Seriously, are there no cyclists who are actually healthy? We can't find one two-hipped, two-balled, non-bullet wounded guy to stick on a Schwin? Again, you don't see this in other sports and you know why? Because those sports are difficult. Everyone is at an elite level and if you get a sprained ankle much less cancer or an arthritic hip you can no longer compete. This is crazy! Why don't we just throw Stephen Hawking in there at this point? He may have a tough time climbing the Pyrenes, but I bet he'll do well on the down hill portion. So just stop telling me how hard this thing is until it's won by a guy with a complete set of body parts.

The Bastardization of "Bring It On"

I'm secure enough in my heterosexuality to tell you that "Bring It On" is one of the best movies ever. But do you know how hard it is for me to secure friendships with "dudes" when I have these feelings? R. Kelly ain't trapped in the closet, I'm trapped in the closet...with my love of Dawson's Creek, 90210, and movies about cheerleading.

This movie is smart and funny and just plain good. There can be no debate about this. People who haven't seen this thing are confused by the mere inference that it could possibly be anything but utter garbage. And I understand that. On the surface, it seems like it would be horrible. In fact, I can remember seeing the preview for it in the theater and pondering that age old question: "how do these movies get made?". It's similar to when you see the preview for "John Tucker Must Die". I remember the trailer played like a white cheerleaders vs. black cheerleader cringefest, probably because it featured this very unfortunate exchange:

BLACK CHEERLEADER:
You wanna make it right? Then when you go to Nationals... bring it. Don't slack off because you feel sorry for us. That way, when we beat you, we'll know it's because we're better.

WHITE CHEERLEADER:
Oh, I'll bring it. Don't worry.

BLACK CHEERLEADER:
I never do.

Basically, that's the movie that should've been made. Because it was an "In the Mix" situation - the studio was making something that appealed to a young and dumb audience and pretty much didn't need it to be good. But luckily, the people making this movie were smart. The writer is talented, the director is very talented, and they didn't settle for making crap. And thank God for that, cause it gets lonely in my closet.

The only drawback is that Kirsten Dunst is in it. But to her credit, there are only a couple moments where her line readings make me want to cut myself. Eliza Dushku is as hot as she's ever been or ever will be in it (ironically, she would later audition for "In the Mix"). But the real stars of the movie are the bit players who steal the show. Most would tell you that Sparky Pilastri is the best of the bunch, especially because of this:

COURTNEY:
Why does everyone have to go on a diet?

SPARKY:
Because! In cheerleading we throw people into the air. And fat people don't go as high.

But "most" are wrong. Really, it's "Torr's" boyfriend Aaron, who is hilarious. I had the crack research staff of Team Handleman try and track down the whereabouts of this guy, because I've been saddened not to have seen him in awhile. Well, after many 18 hour days here in sweat shop like conditions, the internet tells us that he is most likely somewhere in the valley, weighing 100 pounds, and in a heroin induced daze (seriously). Too bad. I kinda hoped that stuff would only happened to bad actors, like Brad Renfro. But my point is that there are many funny performances by random actors, making it an all around enjoyable film.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing about a movie that's 6 years old and no (straight) man cares about anymore is because I recently saw a preview for something called "Bring It On: All or Nothing". This is the SECOND sequel to "Bring It On", and both have gone direct to video. Although I am not embarrassed to admit that I love the first "Bring It On", I am very ashamed to say that I have actually seen the second one. Needless to say, it was awful. And I'm sure the third one is as well.

My problem is that these sequels are furthering the notion that the original "Bring It On" is what it appeared to be in those previews. It was such a cool movie, why are they tarnishing it's image? Hasn't Kirsten's teeth and boobs caused it enough embarrassment? Leave it alone! You don't go into Blockbuster and see ""Back to Brokeback Mountain" or "Munich 2, Jew Boogaloo", so lay the fuck off of "Bring it On"! You're only playing into the misconception that it was just another bad high school movie. It wasn't. It was better than that. At least I thought so. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going back inside my closet to ponder the career misfortunes of Jesse Bradford. Good day.

Every Date I've Been On In The Last 6 Months

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT
I sit across from a girl. She is smiling - the result of my witty repartee and handsome looks, and also because she's dining with the man who came up with "Desperate Gardeners" and the "Crazy Nigga" song. Our food arrives. For me, a steak and french fries. For her, some sort of fish/pasta concoction that I try not to let gross me out.

GIRL
Do you want to try some of mine?

ME
No thanks.

GIRL
Do you not like fish?

ME
Not really.

GIRL
Even sushi.

I shake my head.

ME
Even sushi.

GIRL
That's so weird.

I smile weakly, thinking that she doesn't know the half of it, and praying that she doesn't press the issue and find out. She does.

GIRL
What's your favorite kind of food?

ME
(quickly)
Peaches...and strawberries.

GIRL
(sensing weirdness)
Oh...but like, what do you love to have for dinner, what kind of restaurants?

I stop eating. There's no sense in trying to avoid it any longer.

ME
I'm not really into food.

GIRL
What? What does that mean?

ME
You know how people get all excited to eat? Well I don't. I eat as a result of being hungry, but I don't plan my day around it or really think about it all. Ever. And that's it.

GIRL
I'm sort of a picky eater too.

She has no idea who she's up against.

GIRL
So what don't you eat?

ME
It's kind of a long list, do you really want me to go through it?

GIRL
Yeah.

ME
All right...I've never had soup, I've never had coffee, I've never had tea, so I guess you could say I don't like any warm liquids of any sort. I don't eat asian food, I don't eat indian food, I don't like milk, I don't like seafood, I like spaghetti but I don't like sauce. I take the cheese off of pizza cause I don't really like cheese, although I do like grilled cheese and cheese on tacos. I like steak but I don't like steak in tacos, and I don't like Mexican food except for tacos with cheese, lettuce, and rice. I don't like when foods are mixed together. Consistency is some sort of issue for me, and no I don't know what happened when I was young to make me this screwed up.

She is intrigued, but not in a good way. More like in the way Ryan Seacrest is intrigued by female body parts. She's horrified and wants to run away, but feels compelled to ask questions.

GIRL
So what do you actually like?

ME
Fruit. Vegetables. Steak. Chicken. Wishbone Italian salad dressing. Oh, and Wheat Thins.

GIRL
Have you tried other things?

ME
No. But I smelled them. That was enough.

GIRL
But don't you think you should give them a chance?

ME
Why? I like fruits and vegetables and Wheat Thins, if I could eat 10 peaches a day I would be totally and completely happy.

GIRL
Wow...you must a great writer.

ME
Why?

GIRL
Cause you're fucked up.

ME
I know. But I really don't like to make a big deal about it, I wish I ate more stuff but I just don't and I'm cool with it and don't want anyone to be affected by it.
(beat, trying to redeem myself)
But I promise I'm normal in ever single other way.

GIRL
Okay.

We eat in silence for a minute.

GIRL
So do you have any pets?

ME
(to waiter)
Check please!

My Friend Writes Books, So Suck It

Well, Pamie forced my hand on this one because she's linked her devotees to me. For those of you who don't know, Pam Ribon is my friend who I met while writing together on a certain show on a certain comedy network starring a certain beaner. This season, we shared an office.

Here's the story of Me and Pamie:

My first day on the show she introduced herself to me. She was Pam, the "girl" writer. And as is the case with every "girl" comedy writer, she was the dirtiest one on staff. It wasn't until weeks later that I found out that she was the world semi-famous "Pamie". It was kinda like working at a newspaper and discovering the timid reporter with the glasses is also Superman. You see, Pamie has fans. Lots of fans. Most of whom know her from her website. Pamie was the original "blogger". She started her online journal from her home in Austin back in the stone ages, or in laymans terms, the '90's. That's where she built a following and moved out to Los Angeles and turned it into a novel and a big time writing career. But you know what? I could give a shit about all that. I was only really impressed when told me she used to write for one my favorite websites, televisionwithoutpity.com. Now that's impressive.

Anyway, Pamie's first book was "Why Girls Are Weird". And now her second book (she's written 2 books!!!) is coming out on August 1st, which is called "Why Moms Are Weird". I'm guessing that the next book she writes will be called "Why Weirdos Are Weird". It's all very impressive, especially because I sure as hell can't write books, although I CAN write the 2nd worst movie of ALL TIME! Ha! Deal with that, lady.

Pamie gave me the book to read awhile back and I did what all good friends would do, I didn't read it. But in my defense we were working a lot and I had to hear every single day about "Why I'm Weird". Anyway, I'm unemployed now so I finally got a chance to read it. Now I don't want to say it's girly, but I promise you ladies, she knocked it right out of the vagina with this one.

Pamie came up to me at our wrap party and asked me what I thought and I kind of stumbled with my answer, which she then told all her peeps about. So I want to set her and everyone else straight with my thoughts here.

First of all, it was impossible for me to read this thing objectively. I know Pamie so well that it's kind of creepy. And I've never read a book written by my friend before. It was really weird to read something that was so...my friend. It wasn't cracking open a book, it was cracking open Pamie's brain. So I couldn't read it the way all of you will read it.

With that being said, I liked the book. I really liked the book. I couldn't put it down and finished it in a day and half, which is really good because I read about as fast as the learning impaired Donna Martin. In fact, Pamie didn't put this in her little website, but the first thing I said to her was "there's a lot of jokes". And there are. It's filled with funny, which is amazing in a novel. And it makes sense that Pamie is great at writing books because she has about a million thoughts on every little thing that happens. There was a half eaten candy bar on my desk for 3 weeks, and Pamie had created 100 different stories for the mysterious reasons behind it. She could've just stopped at the first reason: I'm a lazy, messy pig.

So yes, Pamie, I really liked your book and you need to accept that. But the fact is that it IS very girly. Which is on purpose. And you know how I know it's on purpose? Because I just spent six month with this girl going back and forth with wetback and rednecks fucking their sister jokes. She does non-girly shit really well, just ask all the offended wetbacks and rednecks.

Anyway, go out and buy it when it comes out and know that the book you're reading, isn't really a book. It's Pamie's head. So be gentle.

Found!

The hunt for Wishbone has come to a successful end! I'd like to thank Brooke for telling me about www.hometownfavorites.com. I wasn't sure they were really going to have the right stuff, so I only ordered 5 bottles. But sure enough, it was my shit. I immediately made a celebratory salad. Needless to say, it was delicious, with just the right amount of herbs and spices.

Now unfortunately, I'm not a camera guy. I've never owned one. But I wanted to take this funny picture of me with the bottles so I bought one of those throw away cameras. I posed for the picture and the person taking it didn't used the flash. So I ended up with this:

















You get the idea. Even through the darkness you can see my delight.

And then this weekend I went down to San Diego with my family and they surprised me with even more Wishbone. Apparently, Cost Plus sells the stuff in GIANT JUGS and now I have 2 of them, plus the 5 bottles. I'm set for the next year at least, which is good because that's when the label says the stuff goes bad. I think after that I'm gonna be screwed because they're not producing anymore, but maybe my incessant letter writing and online campaign will get Wishbone to crack. Let us hope so, my friends.

Here are just some of the other salad dressings that didn't cut it. Not included in this picture are several from Whole Foods which were tested at my office. I think I gave 9 dressings a shot, with all missing the mark. The best option was a mix of Bernsteins and the new Wishbone. These are the ones I had left in my fridge:

















The bottle on the far right is the new Wishbone. That yellow ribbon beneath the "Italian" is the evil earmark of "Now Bursting with More Herbs and Spices". Motherfuckers.

Well, until July of 2007, it's salad time!!!

Team Handleman Is Dropping the Ball

Remember my meeting with Blumberg, my agent, where he was talking about pitches and meetings and deals and Will Ferrell and how we were gonna pick up the world and fold into a little ball and put it in our pocket? Well, I think he maybe lost my phone number or something. I came up with an idea that I think is pretty good that I've shared with my creative and talented and in some cases genius (you know who you are) friends, all who thought the thing was pretty damn good. I emailed Blumberg 2 weeks ago about something else and mentioned that I had an idea to pitch to him as soon as I had the chance to put it on paper. He emailed me back and said how excited he was to hear it. So I emailed him the idea a week and a half ago...haven't heard from him since. Nice. I guess I can keep my wallet and cell phone in my pocket, I won't be needing room for the world I was gonna put in there.

Also, I got a call from my friend over at Lions Gate recently. She wanted to know why I hadn't called her about my screenplay option getting picked up by them. Well, there was a simple reason for this: I had no fucking clue about it. A little back story: I wrote a script that they optioned for 6 months back in January, the 6 months was up so I would either get the script back or they would have to pay me money to keep it for another 6 months, which apparently they did.

She said a check was sent to me over a month ago Wrong. It was sent to my lawyer, another cog in the powerhouse that is Team Handleman. I guess my lawyer decided money is no object to me, and I could go without the check for 2 months. Thanks. With this kind of communication, personal attention, and efficiency, we're going to straight to the top!

The wrap party for the show was last night. I can't write too much about it now because it seems that everyone at the office has discovered the blog in the last 2 weeks. There were a lot of references to "Irwin Handleman" flying around, which was new. Pamie made fun of me for having a pseudonym yet writing in such a way that it's obvious who I actually am. Which is ridiculous and funny. But I originally intended not to out myself so much but found out that it's a lot funnier when I can talk about everything. Who am I kidding? I just wanted to brag about my musical talents and claim my shit on the show. Speaking of that, I wonder if Blumberg has ever watched the show? I know he has no idea what stuff I've written, and he's never once been to a taping (Pamie's agent is there all the time, must be because she's prettier than me, or maybe it's because she actually gets meetings).

But it was fun and it was nice seeing everyone. Carlos got on the PA system and thanked everyone, then made other people get on and say a few words. When that got old, he suddenly handed it to "I-dawg, for the final word". By that point, no one was listening. But I deadpanned a "dee dee dee, brother, dee dee dee" that I thought was funny. Too bad no one heard it because they had gone back to their bowling games. Hey, maybe that's where Blumberg's been.

The Kid with the Cape

See that picture on my profile there? That little gay kid in the Superman outfit? Yep, that was me. The kid with the cape. I assure you I've gotten a lot less homoerotic with my fashion choices since. I used to wear that outfit to pre-school. No, not on Halloween. On...Monday, Tuesday, you name it. I wore it as just another outfit. That means that I would literally wake up in the morning, go to the ole' closet, and choose between my sweatpants or my blue tights and cape.

I loved Superman. Maybe I just liked the outfit. Let's be honest, I liked that outfit a little too much. Actually, I still primarily wear blue to this very day. But only wear tights on Sunday. I don't know what that means. Who knows? Maybe if Superman's tights were green I would've been a Batman guy, or more likely judging from that photo, a Wonder Woman chick.

I remember that we had a VCR when I was growing up. Which was big. And I remember the VHS Superman tape cover that would sit on top of it. I used to watch it a lot. I loved the first movie, and I loved the second movie even more. I'm not a comic books guy, I'm a movie guy. So all of my Superman love was based on those movies, and also the Superfriends. It's kind of a weird thing, I think maybe I liked it just cause I was supposed to. You're a kid, someone hands you some tights, you put them on, you don't think twice about it. You're 4, you're not making rational decisions. I think there are lots of things in life you just accept and love because you were given them at an impressionable age, like Superman or Wishbone Italian Salad Dressing.

And so I've been very interested in the development of "Superman Returns". As you may have heard, it's been quite a long, drawn out thing. In 2000 I interned for a management company and got my hands on the Kevin Smith "Superman" script, the one that was going to star Nicolas Cage. And since Kevin Smith wrote it, it sucked. I hate Kevin Smith. He's the biggest hack in Hollywood, but I admire his ability to have a career with zero talent. "Look, my films look like shit! Cause they're cheap! And independent!" Yeah well, they're not cheap anymore and they still look like shit, congratulations. And nice writing. Who talks like that? I'll tell you who: no one. And Nicolas Cage? Again, I don't read comics, but I'm pretty sure Superman never had a receeding hairline and acted like Elvis. Thank God this version did not get made.

But now "Superman Returns" is finally here. It was weird to me that they chose a guy who had only done MTV's "Undressed" to play the part in this huge movie. It's fine, it's just kinda bizarre to me that in this day in age a studio would entrust $200 million dollars to a guy no one's ever heard of. But after seeing the movie, I see that they were right. Superman just isn't a part for a star. Superman is Johnny Bravo. And the role of Johnny Bravo can be played by anyone who fits the suit. Brandon Routh fits the suit. And that's all that matters.

But this doesn't mean I liked the movie. You know, I really don't want to be a movie snob. I don't want to be that guy who drinks wine and talks about Jim Jarmusch. Fuck Jim Jarmusch! Just because your movie is slow and boring doesn't mean it's meaningful, douchebag. It just means it's slow and boring. You want to impress me? Try making something that doesn't make me want to shoot myself in the face. I'm not a movie snob, but...I can't get into these big superhero movies.

Really...who cares? The villain's plan is always this complicated crazy thing and then the solution is equally convoluted. This movie felt so joyless. They were just going through the motions of what is supposed to happen in all these movies, with no real fun or invention. Who gives a shit anyway? But maybe it's me. I'm not the kid with the cape anymore. Maybe George Lucas is right after all. Maybe these movies are meant for kids and not for me. Maybe these little bastards are going to grow up and worship at the altar of Brandon Routh and Jar Jar Binks. Whatever the reason, I just never enjoy these kinds of movies anymore, and it makes me a little sad.

But getting back to the movie, it was cool the way this movie tipped it's proverbial cap to the Richard Donner/Christopher Reeve movies. The music and the titles took me back to my tight wearing days in the early '80's. But what was weird is that the plot of the first movie is extremely similar to this movie.

SPOILER: In the first movie, Lex buys up desert land in California, steals two missiles and shoots one of them at the San Andreas fault so the west coast will fall into the ocean and he'll own beach front property. Meanwhile his girl sidekick thinks Superman is "cute" and turns on Lex. In "Superman Returns", Lex steals crystals that will destroy the east coast and build land that Lex will own and will be beachfront property. His girl sidekick thinks Superman is "cute" and turns on Lex. Also in both, Superman and Lois meet on a rooftop for an interview and end up flying around the city. That's pretty fricking similar, and puts a magnifying glass on the fact that the story doesn't really matter, it's just an excuse to put Johnny Bravo in the suit and give a couple hundred special effects nerds jobs for 6 months.

And I don't agree with the new thing of, "the superhero is dark and complex", so that takes it to another level. Aw, poor Superman, he's an outsider...who is worshipped by the entire world! I really feel bad for him. Real freaks of society aren't all powerful and having sex with Kate Bosworth or Kirsten Dunst. No, the real freaks are google-ing Kate Bosworth photos and ogling her from their tiny one bedroom apartments while dressed in a torn and tattered and very gay superman outfit from their youth. Not that I would know anything about that.