Thursday, August 31, 2006
Jack Black comes out for the intro. I love the guy, but he bombs - both on purpose and not on purpose.
Lil' Kim comes out in a jumpsuit escorted by police. Remember when it was scandalous to get arrested? Neither do I. But I'm pretty sure it used to be, and now, judging by Lil' Kim's appearance at least, it's just a place to get more plastic surgery.
For the rest of his life, everytime Kanye doesn't win an award, the camera will instantly go to him for the reaction shot. I guess MTV doesn't like black people.
Does Shakira ever go on stage and go "You know, not doing the ass shake tonight"? It's her moonwalk.
I’m sorry, L.L., I’m tired of making noise.
Pharrell and Ludacris come out and do their song together. A couple of weird things about this. Number one: I can understand why Justin would need a backing track and I can really understand why Ashlee Simpson would, but why exactly does Pharrell? He’s just standing there, not dancing, why can’t he say his own hook without help? It’s not even singing, it’s just talking kinda fast. Second weird thing: The Pussycat Dolls came out near the end of the song with a grand entrance, yet did nothing. They just walked out and the song ended. No joke, I really don’t get this.
I don’t want to sound like an asshole here, but Jessica is big. Right? This isn’t me, is it? She looked big. Okay. And before my sister writes in to complain about me saying this, she’s not big as in big, she’s big for her. Chill, K-dawg.
Pink is a good looking dude.
“Ridin’ Dirty” wins best rap video. I have a story about this song. I wrote this sketch where Carlos was playing Sean Paul, and he spoke in his every day life the way he sings. So it was a series of scenes of Sean Paul talking to people in nonsense but they understand him completely. One of the scenes is Sean Paul with his 4 year old kid and the kid talks just like Sean Paul. So we auditioned a bunch of 4 year old kids and it was a nightmare. This one black kid comes in and he won’t say a word, not even hi. So I’m like, "is there anything you’ll say, do you have a favorite song?" And in the tiniest voice he goes, “They see me rollin, they hatin’, patrolling, they wanna catch me ridin’ dirty. Wanna catch me ridin’ dirty, wanna catch me ridin’ dirty.” Frightening. Can we start the kids with animals or colors or something? Do we really need their sponge of a brain memorizing Chamillionaire lyrics? Jesus!
I wish I was as good looking as Jared Leto so I could make myself look that ugly.
Me and my friend have this thing about Rihanna – either she can be smoking hot or really strange looking. And I finally have figured out why: it’s the forehead. It’s huge! It’s a ten-head! She has the face of a hot girl and the forehead of Evander Holyfield.
Britney and K-Fed are announced to boos. Then they do the worst sketch ever. You know, truth is funny, but not when the truth involves child endangerment.
Oh, I get it: Slim Thug is fat, so it’s like that whole calling a bald guy curly thing.
It must be nice for Christina Aguilera. Cause no matter what happens, the girl can sing. Meanwhile, Britney Spears eats more cheetos.
If you’re Al Gore, at what point do you give up on the comb over?
Video of the Year goes to “Panic! At the Disco”. I have never in my life heard of “Panic! At the Disco.”
Oh, Axl. Poor, poor, Axl. You gotta give’em credit though, he’s waiting out those cornrows, isn’t he? He’s just gonna let ‘em come back into fashion. He's gonna be so hip in the year 2015.
All right, that's it. I thought the show kinda sucked, actually. No real surprises, no great performances. I thought Beyonce was good, but nothing else stands out. Maybe I'm just depressed because every year the VMA's makes me feel even older. Who are these punk kids with their loud music?! At least we have one thing to look forward to next year: Trapped in the Closet Part 13!!!
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
"It turned public that's where it ends
So he told me we'd still be friends
Then we made our true love vow
Scientology can't help him now
Summer dreams ripped at the seams,
how did the world not know after "Grease"?
Tell me more, tell me more"
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
A) be intrigued because we have stuff in common.
B) ask her if she has any monologue "thoughts" I could "borrow".
C) run away while shouting "racist".
Seriously, what's the answer here? I mean, some of what he says is just to be funny, and then another part of what he says he's "allowed" to say because he's a "beaner". Now if a white girl agrees with it, that's a little fucked up, right? White girls should not be doing wetback imitations, I guess is what I'm saying.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I think this year the TV stars should just get all dressed up, walk the red carpet, and then go home and watch a rerun of "Laguna Beach". But since no one is listening to me, the show will go on.
Here are the (cough-bullshit-cough) nominees:
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm HBO
Kevin James - The King Of Queens CBS
Tony Shalhoub - Monk USA
Steve Carell - The Office NBC
Charlie Sheen - Two and a Half Men CBS
Charlie Sheen? Yeah, I know the guy was in "Platoon", but he was also in every hooker in Hollywood (rim shot!). Thank you, I'll be here all week. But seriously, Charlie Sheen is terrible. The married couple of Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards were to acting what Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are to not doing crack.
And I said this last year and I'll say it again, Larry David isn't acting. The only person this award could legitimately go to is Steve Carell. Luckily, he's pretty good.
Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Christopher Meloni - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit NBC
Denis Leary - Rescue Me FX
Peter Krause - Six Feet Under HBO
Kiefer Sutherland - 24 FOX
Martin Sheen - The West Wing NBC
Let's do a little process of elimination: I don't watch any show that begins with the phrase "Law and Order", so my apologies, Mr. Meloni. Also, I'm pretty sure "Six Feet Under was cancelled two years ago, so that must be a typo. And Martin Sheen is related to Charlie Sheen, thus ruining his chances. And I know there are a lot of you who love that little midget Kiefer (did any of you see him next to Venus Williams at the ESPYS? He looked like Jonathan Lipnicki), but come on, Denis Leary is my boy, an easy call.
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Lisa Kudrow - The Comeback HBO
Jane Kaczmarek - Malcolm in the Middle FOX
Julia Louis-Dreyfus - The New Adventures of Old Christine CBS
Stockard Channing - Out Of Practice CBS
Debra Messing - Will & Grace NBC
Well, since I didn't watch any of these shows this year, I'm probably a bad guy to judge this category. Although I keep hearing that "The Comeback" is really good so it's in my Netflix queue. But since it won't arrive before Sunday, I'll just give the nod to anyone but Debra Messing.
Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer TNT
Geena Davis - Commander In Chief ABC
Mariska Hargitay - Law & Order: Special Victims Unit NBC
Frances Conroy - Six Feet Under HBO
Allison Janney - The West Wing NBC
Geena Davis is the female version of Charlie Sheen, only minus the hookers. She's about as believable as the President of the United States as...the President of the United States. I've always like Janney on "The West Wing", plus she has to get it because of my "Law and Order" rule, the "Six Feet Under" cancellation, and the fact that the only thing I watch on TNT is "Shawshank Redemption".
Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Will Arnett - Arrested Development FOX
Jeremy Piven - Entourage HBO HBO
Bryan Cranston - Malcolm in the Middle FOX FOX
Jon Cryer - Two and a Half Men CBS
Sean Hayes - Will & Grace NBC
Finally, a category with some good people. This is actually a tough call - Piven or Arnett? And I'd like to add a third name, John Krasinski, who plays Jim on the "The Office". He's the only likeable person on that show and the reason I have to watch it every week. But really, is there a character on TV better than Gob? Well, maybe one: Ari. I'll go Piven.
Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Cheryl Hines - Curb Your Enthusiasm HBO
Alfre Woodard - Desperate Housewives ABC
Jaime Pressly - My Name Is Earl NBC
Elizabeth Perkins - Weeds Showtime
Megan Mullally - Will & Grace NBC
Alfre Woodard? Come on! She's a great actress and everything, but she did nothing on that show but chain up a kid to her basement. Even the writers admit they had nothing for that character to do. This is just stupid. And it brings up another thing that's bothering me: they keep including "Desperate Housewives" in with all of this "snub" talk. "Desperate Housewives" was not snubbed, it sucked this year, so don't even mention it when you're talking about "Lost".
I'll go with Pressley, even though I know she's not really acting, she is white trash.
Outstanding Individual Performance In A Variety Or Music Program
Barry Manilow - Barry Manilow: Music And Passion PBS
Stephen Colbert - The Colbert Report Comedy Central
Craig Ferguson - The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson CBS David Letterman - Late Show With David Letterman CBS
Hugh Jackman - The 59th Annual Tony Awards (2005) CBS
I'm only including this category to bash Craig Ferguson. Have you seen this show? It is unwatchable. Just an abomination. I had to do a "packet" for it, which means I had to write up some stuff I would do if I were writing for the show, and it stumped me. I couldn't figure out if I was supposed to not be funny the way the show is. Well, I didn't get the job. So either I'm not funny in a different way than it's not funny, or else I'm too funny. When I collect my unemployment check every two weeks, I tell myself it's the latter.
Outstanding Comedy Series
Arrested Development FOX
Curb Your Enthusiasm HBO
The Office NBC
Two and a Half Men CBS
Calm down, "Arrested Development" fans. Did you watch "The Office" this year? It was the most consistently funny show on TV. And I originally was not a fan, I thought the first season was pretty bad. But I started watching again this season and they got me. I was like Patty Hearst and this show was the SLA, first I hated it's presence, but pretty soon I was ready to hold an Uzi and rob a bank for it.
This is an easy call: "Lost" in a landslide. But if it somehow doesn't win, "Rescue Me" will take it.
How can you say that you "recognize excellence in TV" when "Dancing with the Stars" is up for a nomination? Any show that Drew Lachey is the star of is automatically not excellent. Drew Lachey is a poor man's Charlie O'Connell, and that's saying something. I'll take "Project Runway" in an upset.
Outstanding Writing For A Comedy Series
Arrested Development Development Arrested FOX
Entourage HBO Exodus HBO Leverage and Closest to the
Extras Kate Winslet HBO
My Name Is Earl Pilot NBC
The Office Christmas Party NBC
Not to beat a dead horse, but "The Office" Christmas Party episode was truly an outstanding half hour. If you didn't see it, buy it immediately on Itunes.
Irwin Patty Hearst Handleman
Outstanding Writing For A Drama Series
Grey’s Anatomy It’s the End Of The World, As We Know It (Part 1 & 2) ABC
Grey’s Anatomy Into You Like A Train ABC
Lost The 23rd Psalm ABC
Six Feet Under Everyone’s Waiting HBO
The Sopranos Members Only HBO
Well, well, well, look who got a nomination. It's amazing how you can have such a well written show and yet not be nominated for best drama. Only at the Emmys, people. You're gonna think I'm nuts, but I actually thought that the "Grey's" finale was better than the "23rd Psalm" episode. Great, now I'm snubbing "Lost".
The cast of "Lost"
The guy who plays Garrity on "Rescue Me"
"How I Met Your Mother"
Real World/Road Rules Challenge
(Yes, I know they're not dead, but they are MIA from this show)
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Yey! SNL is now sans Sanz! What should we do to celebrate? How about in honor of Horatio getting kicked to the curb we laugh at our own jokes all day tomorrow?! I'm fat, unfunny, and unprofessional, and break character to laugh at my own shit, ha, ha, ha! The only downside to this is that you just know he's gonna be on Mind of Mencia next season. Damn you, fat man, damn you!
One of the other guys fired is Chris Parnell...for the second time! What do they have against that guy? He has never been the problem with this show, never. And he was the original white rapper, not Samberg. Come on, how can anyone forget his love rap to Kirsten Dunst? He's just a solid, character guy for the show, so it seems weird that he's been fired twice, while Horatio has only been fired once.
And much to reader Jenny's chagrin, they are also saying bye-bye to Kenan (who was my alternate). I've actually held a grudge against him ever since he starred in Brian Robbins' epic "Goodburger". Although I have to give him some credit because he played a major role in a joke I once tried (and failed) to get on "The Soup". It went: "Kangaroo Jack star Anthony Anderson has been arrested and charged with aggravated rape. Upon hearing the news, Kenan Thompson began marketing himself as the fat black funnyman who doesn't rape people."
And it looks like the fourth guy to get the boot will be Darrell Hammond. This is similar to Parnell, in that the guy is harmless. He's in one sketch an episode, doing an imitation of Chris Matthews or Donald Trump. He didn't bring the show down, and actually probably held it up for awhile. Honestly, I can go either way on this one. But new blood is usually a good thing for the show.
Overrall, I'm just glad they got rid of Horatio. Although I wish Finesse had been giving his walking his papers, just so he could hurry up with his career of never working in comedy again. Seriously, this dude's future is gonna make Tim Meadows look like Eddie Murphy. He must have an iron clad contract that they couldn't get out of or something.
Remember, laugh at yourselves all day tomorrow in honor of Horatio!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
"NBC's "Saturday Night Live" has some changes ahead as four of its cast members are being fired and two others have left the show.
The names of the fired cast members have not been revealed to the public, the only thing that's certain is that it won't be Tina Fey or Rachel Dratch who have already left the show to star in the new "SNL" based comedy "30 Rock," The New York Post reported Tuesday."
You know I'm a huge SNL fan, even when it sucks, which has been a lot lately. But I kinda think this is a shame because the second half of last season was the best the show has been in a long time. That Natalie Portman episode was great, of course there was "Lazy Sunday", and I just watched an Alec Baldwin rerun from Christmas that had a hilarious sketch spoofing his character in Glengarry Glen Ross.
We suffered for so long with this cast, so it seems weird to shuffle things now that it's gotten good. But I guess with Tina and Rachel leaving, it opened the door for a bigger overhaul.
The question now is: who got their ass fired? Let's hope it's the sucky people. Here's the 4 I could do without:
Horatio Sanz - I think I've gone on at length about my hatred of this dude, so I won't do it again. I'll just say: fat, stupid, and not funny is no way to go through life, son.
Finesse Mitchell - Getting rid of him will save us from his annoying Weekend Update pieces. As soon as I see him on there, I immediately fast forward the TiVo.
Seth Myers - He's had such a long time to "break out", but it just hasn't happened. He's okay, I guess, he just doesn't do much. He's one of those guys who I hear is "hilarious" in other stuff (like improv shows), but I can't remember him doing anything funny. HOWEVER, he is the head writer of the show now. That's right. He teamed up with Tina for much of last season, so maybe he's good at that. Blumberg tells me it was a bad sign that he took that, meaning his acting career may be dead. And you know Blumberg always knows what's up.
Will Forte - It was him or Kenan Thompson. I don't know, I think some people love this guy, but I know a lot of people who hate him. Okay, not a lot, but my sister and her husband hate him enough for the rest of America. I think he's a good writer (he wrote on several things in Hollywood before joining the cast), and I saw him when he was with the "Groundlings" and he was great. But I haven't liked his stuff on SNL too much. He hams it up quite a bit, and he's an awkward motherfucker.
So that's it, that's who I'd give the boot. I'm excited for the new season, and hope they can continue the momentum that was built last year. We shall see how my predictions hold up...
Monday, August 21, 2006
The hosts of the show were Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson, who are starring together in an upcoming movie, and who are also reportedly having lots and lots of sex. If you don't know who Dane Cook is, then you don't have myspace. He's a standup who may or may not be funny, and judging by the show "Tourgasm", he isn't. But one thing's for sure, he thinks he is. And Hollywood wants him to be, because he's good looking (for a comedian). And if I were him, I'd hate to be resting my career on Jessica Simpson and Dax Shepherd
ANYWAY, the main reason I'm writing about this show is because it featured the debut performance of one Mr. Kevin Spears, er, Federline. I don't know why this happened, but it did. And somehow on a show that featured Keanu Reeves, Johnny Depp, Jessica Alba, etc., this douchebag was the choice for the final performance of the night. That's right, in a star packed show, Federline was the closing act. How again is this possible?! I don't know.
First of all, I think it was irresponsible for the Teen Choice Awards to allow him to do this. He is nobody. Did the teens vote for him for anything? No. This is the man who destroyed their favorite pop star! Why is he there? It just really bothers me when legitimate productions give credences to illegitimate people. It's like, Nicole Richie is on the cover of Us Weekly all the time, but she's not a big star - she's not headlining movies, you know? So just because K-Fed is gossiped about a lot, that doesn't mean that people want to see him "perform". He's just a guy people love to make fun of, because we take comfort in the fact that we're so much better than him.
So his fat, I mean, pregnant and fat, wife Britney introduced him. Britney honey, spit out the gum, you're on national TV now. And also, you're about to pop. I think the Olsen twins have stopped shielding themselves with a bag over their heads and are now shielding themselves by living in Britney's stomach.
I don't know if any of you caught this, but when Brit introduced her husband, she kind of winced as if to say "I know he sucks but he's really dumb and almost retarded so could you clap and make him feel good?" I swear this happened. Britney may be a hick, but even she knows her husband is the equivalent of an 8 year old retarded kid.
Oddly, the song starts and 2 kids pop up with microphones. They are lip synching but not really, and dancing a lot. My only guess is that they were representing the countless bastard children Federline has created and abandoned.
And then, K-Fed is revealed to be sitting at the piano. Of course he doesn't play the piano, or even know what one is most likely. Although I bet he feels kinship with the instrument, as the black and white keys remind him of all of the black and white children he has fathered.
So the Fed was just sitting there with his back to the audience while the kids were doing their thing. When he stood up, this was supposed to be a "moment", I think, as the music stopped and K-Fed paused to hear the roar (crickets) from the audience.
And then K-Fed "rapped". Before I get to that, I will say that the beat was okay, it wasn't bad. It sounded professional enough - I guess that is owed to the many black friends that Fed loves to show off. Yes, we know Fed, you keep it real. There's nothing more gangsta than getting an allowance from your wife.
But you know what he sounded like? Any guy at my (all white) high school trying to rap. You see, despite what many think, including my dad, not everybody can rap. It actually takes talent. Sounding good on the microphone is something that not everybody has. K-Fed doesn't have it. His voice was raspy because he was forcing the words out, trying to keep up with the beat. And he didn't sound horrible, he just sounded like anyone who has no talent, never performed before, is a leach on society, and has no business being stage ever.
And the funniest part were the lyrics. Now, I couldn't get all of them, but there was a lot of mention of the money he has. Which unlike other rappers, in a matter of speaking, is true. He does have money. But as other rappers boast about the money they have from dealing drugs, robbing, stealing, making hit records, etc., K-Fed didn't have the balls to boast "I got mad cash without ever committing a crime/I just collect residuals from 'Hit Me Baby One More Time'".
Another weird thing: he didn't dance. Dancing is the one thing that K-Fed can do. I'm pretty sure he didn't go there because he didn't want to be compared to another white rapper who used to dance. Of course that guy actually had a hit song. Holy shit, K-Fed is doing the impossible: he's making me defend Vanilla Ice as a reputable artist.
On a side note, the hugest response for anyone on the show was for Johnny Depp. The kids went absolutely nuts for the guy, way crazier for him than for anyone else. It was slightly bizarre. I haven't seen teens go this gaga for a 40 plus year old star with stringy long hair since...
But seriously, Depp? This isn't gonna last. Because if I know anything about Johnny Depp it's that he hates, HATES, making movies that people want to see. I just know that any second he's gonna freak out and team up with Tim Burton to make the John Mark Karr biopic.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
And the lady used the tongs to pick out a small slab of beef ribs, and the guy said "No, can I just get one rib?".
I laughed out loud and they just looked at me like I was crazy. I guess there aren't as many "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka" fans as I thought.
But wait! The lady cut off one rib and put it in a box and gave it to the guy! He got his one rib! That's how far things have evolved in the rib world, you can actually get just one now. So I guess you could say that Chris Rock is like the Rosa Parks of ribs.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
So what have you been up to?
Well, I just got finished with the second season of "Mind of Mencia".
God, people hate that show.
Yeah, some people do.
No, it's just like one of those shows that people have picked up on to hate.
But we get pretty good ratings--
I'm sure, but people really seem to hate it.
I guess people in Hollywood don't--
It's just one of those shows that people love to just hate, you know? They really, really hate it.
I guess so.
So what else have you done?
Well...speaking of hate, have you ever heard of "In the Mix"?
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Jennifer Aniston has lashed out at reports she is engaged to Vince Vaughn. In a related story, Angelina Jolie has announced that she is engaged to Vince Vaughn.
Comedian Robin Williams reportedly decided to check himself into a rehabilitation facility after more than 20 years of sobriety. Williams should expect to suffer from cold shakes, stomach cramps, and depression, very similar to the feelings one gets while watching "Patch Adams" (Patch Adams joke!).
Paris Hilton's bed, living room suite and furniture items are being offered to the highest bidder as she plans a remodel. The furniture is currently being sublet by pubic lice.
Prosecutors on Thursday charged "Sixth Sense" star Haley Joel Osment with drunken driving. Police believe it was a Hollywood copycat crime because when he was pulled over, Osment told them "I see fucking jews".
Denise Richards is insisting she hooked up with her ex-best friend’s hubby only after Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear had split. She said quote "we didn't hook up at all, we just fucked a bunch of times.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
This is how things work: there is a circle, a very small circle, where the big things happen. If you win your way into this circle, you will have work thrown at you and make ridiculous amounts of money until you fuck up or simple bad luck gets you kicked out. I am not in the circle.
This is frustrating for several reasons, the biggest of which is that even if you do come up with something great, it doesn't matter because you're not in the circle. And understand this about Hollywood: if they hear the same idea from William Goldman and the hack who writes on Mencia, they will always, ALWAYS think that William Goldman's idea is brilliant and the hack's is crap. They only understand names, they cannot trust their instincts or their guts because they have none.
What all of this means is that a lot of times I'm toiling away on things that are already thought to be "over" in the circle, or things that are already being worked on by the circle people. In short, I am wasting my time and I don't even know it. This breaks my heart.
Especially because I have "people" now. People who are supposed to have knowledge of the circle and are supposed to be representing me to the power people in the circle. People who are supposed to know the way the tide in the industry is shifting and inform me of these changes. People are supposed to know a good idea when it smacks them in the face, even if it is by the guy who wrote "In the Mix". Unfortunately, these people, my people, are as the French say, stupid pieces of shit. Sorry, I'm angry.
Remember when I told you about sitting down with my feature agent and how she gave me the speech about how if I had a good idea she could "sit me in a room with Will Ferrell's people"? And then I told her a perfect Will Ferrell idea and she quickly back tracked? Well, I also pitched the same idea to my TV agent and he also quickly dismissed it. They made feel like the idea was shitty, even though everyone else I pitched it to said it was really cool.
So I continued to work on it even though my "team" didn't believe in it. And I spent lots of time and energy writing this thing. And it's pretty good. And then I wake up this morning and read this in the trades:
"David H. Steinberg has been hired to rewrite the feature comedy "Sprung" for New Line Cinema. The story revolves around identical twin brothers -- one a straight-laced family man whose wife and kids walk all over him, the other a hardened criminal in prison for armed robbery -- who switch places during visiting hours. Mike Karz is producing the project, which is being overseen by Kathy Busby and Sam Brown at New Line."
That's the idea. My idea. Well in truth, my idea is better than this. But still, the premise is extremely similar. And another reminder that I'm not in the circle.
So I wrote my feature agent and said "guess my Twins idea wasn't so bad after all" and showed her the news. She wrote back and said "it all depended on the actor".
She's right...there's no way Will Ferrell would've been able to pull it off.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Move Israel to Puerto Rico.
Why Puerto Rico? Why not? What the hell are we doing that place anyway? I'll tell you what: nothing. It has no purpose, except to serve as Ricky Martin's closet. Hey, I like J. Lo as much as the next guy, but I think putting an end to a hundred years of wars is worth one giant ass - and I'm just talking about Marc Anthony.
Crazy? I don't think so. Will the Jews go? Uh, ever heard of Florida? They love it down there!
And you know there isn't going to be any of that Jewish/Palestinian hatred because Jews and Puerto Ricans have been living together in New York for years. And if the Puerto Ricans don't like it what are they gonna do, run into a crowded cafe and knife themselves? Big deal.
I know what you're saying: "But Irwin, they can't leave, it's their homeland!" Well that's where the best part of my plan kicks in. Cause you know what happens after we move Israel to Puerto Rico? The Palestinians move in. They get the place all to themselves. And that's when they realize that they hate each other just as much as they hate Jews, and then they start playing their national past time, hot football. Or as we in America call the sport: blowing yourself up. Once they've killed themselvs, the Jews move back.
Boom, problem solved. You're welcome.
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton got no love this week from her pet kinkajou Baby Luv — in fact, the racoon-like animal bit her.
The heiress was not badly hurt but did visit a hospital emergency room to receive a tetanus shot, her publicist, Elliot Mintz, told The Associated Press on Friday.
Hilton was frolicking with her exotic pet early Tuesday morning “the way some people play with their cats and dogs” when the animal became excited, Mintz said.
Hilton, concerned that she was bleeding, called Mintz at 3 a.m., and he took her to the hospital.
“She was seen by a doctor, who treated the wound, gave her a tetanus shot, cleaned the wound and applied something to it,” Mintz said.
So let me get this straight: Paris was in bed playing with a dirty animal she has given the pet name Baby Luv, it got so excited that it hurt her, forcing her to go to the hospital, where a Doctor treated the wound, applied "something" to it, and then gave her a shot.
Oh Paris, you slut.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I've been doing a lot of writing, and coming up with a lot of what I consider to be good ideas. And this is the time to pitch said ideas. Thus, I have emailed Blumberg, my agent, these ideas so that maybe he could get some meetings or something. But guess what? Many e-mails have been sent and nary a reply has been received. Uh, hello? Blumberg? You there?
Since this was obviously a horrific dead end, I have been hustling to dig up some opportunites on my own. In this pursuit, I've had a couple things go right. One of these things is a TV script that has drawn the attention of a big time production/management company. Which is awesome if something happens, but these are the types of things you need a lot of because most don't work out. I have one. But I'll take it, and cause one is one more than I usually have.
Anyway, this is a good thing but I didn't tell Blumberg about it. You see, I am a bitter man. A bitter man that holds a grudge. And it pisses me off that I always have to come up with these things. I decided to keep Blumberg in the dark because fuck him, he had nothing to do with it.
So I had a meeting with this company and they're excited about the script. Then I talked to my writer friend Mat and he told me I was stupid for not telling Blumberg. "That's the kind of thing he can go tell his other agent buddies at the Monday meeting and they'll all jerk off to it." Valid point - especially because I seriously believe that agents have a circle jerk every Monday morning. And if my meeting can be part of their collective fantasy, then so be it.
I really wanted to wait until a deal happened and then throw the 10 percent I wasn't giving him in his face. "Suck on that, Blumberg! Maybe you should believe in me!" Or so went my dream. But I decided to listen to Mat and tell him because who knows? Maybe he'd get off his ass and do something, or maybe because the deal won't happen and Blumberg's lack of faith in me will be proven right.
I e-mailed him. I wrote "You don't seem to be responding to my e-mails and I'm not sure why. But just so you know, I had a meeting with (big time management company) and they love me and my script." Very mature.
Guess what happens 15 minutes after I send this e-mail? The phone rings and it's...you know who it is.
BLUMBERG'S ASSISTANT: Irwin, I have Blumberg on the line for you.
ME: Of course you do.
BLUMBERG: Irwin! Hey man, how you been?!
And this is when the best part of this story happens:
BLUMBERG: Hey, I haven't been able to return your e-mails cause my blackberry's been broken, sorry about that. So tell me what's going on with (big time management company)?
What a dick. What a fucking dick.
First of all, that's the lamest excuse in the history of the world, right next to "my dog ate my homework". Second of all, an agent with a broken blackberry? I don't think so. That's like Andre Agassi saying he lost a match because he forgot to bring his tennis racket. Or Donald Trump saying he's going without the hair piece. Or Paris Hilton saying her vagina's broken. It doesn't happen! Those are the tools of their trade!
Well, suddenly Blumberg has sprung into action. He wanted to know if I wanted to take the script somewhere else. Uh, that would've been nice a month ago, but now it's with the people who actually read stuff and pay attention. Call me crazy if I want to be a little loyal to them and not the guy with the broken blackberry and the zero faith.
But now he's setup some bullshit meetings for other stuff. The fact remains though, until I do something that blows myself up, he's gonna continue being this way. And that's the strategy of these guys, they have 100 smart asses like me, pray that one of them lucks out, and then jumps on board to get their money.
But please, in the meantime, don't tell me your vagina's broken.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
"Lindsay Lohan wants to entertain U.S. troops in Iraq and follow in the footsteps of her idol, Marilyn Monroe, who visited soldiers in Korea during the 1950s. But first, Lohan plans to learn how to shoot a gun."
I'm no expert on national security, but let's keep Lohan away from guns. And Marilyn Monroe? Hey Lindsay, I didn't know Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy wasn't a friend of mine, but I'm pretty sure Wilmer Valderrama is no Jack Kennedy.
Let's read on:
"I've been trying to go to Iraq with (U.S. Senator) Hillary Clinton for so long. Hillary was trying to work it out, but it seemed too dangerous," Lohan, 20, told Elle magazine in an interview that hits newsstands on Wednesday.
I don't mean to be rude, Hillary, but there's a freaking war going on! Senators shouldn't be spending their time in chat sessions with the star of "Herbie: Fully Loaded". Let's work on getting us out of this Iraq mess and getting gas prices under control, and let Bill handle the calls from the skank hotline.
"I wanted to do what Marilyn Monroe did, when she went and just set up a stage and did a concert for the troops by herself," Lohan said. "It's so amazing seeing one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be."
She's always wanted to be a pinup? Well that explains the implants, but not the anorexic skinniness that followed. I don't get it. I guess Lindsay's just an enigma trapped in a riddle rolled up in a shit load of daddy issues.
"I'm not afraid of going," she said. "My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I'm going to start taking shooting lessons. He says if I'm going to go there I should know how to shoot."
This is my favorite part of the article. What does she think, she's gonna be rooting out insurgents in Fallujah? And Lindsay please, for the love of God, stay away from guns! Well, unless you're gonna accidently shoot yourself or Wilmer.
Lohan's interview comes a little more than a week after she was publicly chided by film producer James G. Robinson, who accused her of failing repeatedly to show up for work on time during the shooting of her latest film, "Georgia Rule." Lohan's representatives had said the actress had been taken to the hospital for treatment of heat exhaustion.
This is my second favorite part. I love that they mention the heat exhaustion. Cause I don't know if Lindsay knows this, but Iraq's kind of a desert. You know, one of those wacky deserts where it gets really hot. But maybe it will be easier for her to withstand the heat if it's not combined with her usual cocktail of Red Bull, Vodka, and crack.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
"...fellow Laguna Beach alum Lauren Conrad has ended her relationship with boyfriend Jason Wahler.
Sources tell Us that Conrad dumped Wahler because he was being too much of a pussyhound. Plus, "She wanted to focus on school and her career and was ready to move on. She feels really good about her decision," says a friend."
Translation: She finally regained consciousness and went: "Holy shit, I'm dating this douchebag?"
I don't actually know if this makes LC fans more pissed at her for choosing Jason over Paris or less pissed because making that decision led to this even better decision.
Whatever the case, one thing's for sure: I hate that guy.
Irwin, Irwin, what are you thinking? Haven't I taught you better than this? You are comparing men to women in physical pursuits when basic anatomy will tell you there is no comparison. After taking physiology, exercise physiology, anatomy, motor development, etc, etc in my college days I can tell you that men are bigger, stronger, quicker and faster than most women. Individual cases may vary but when you put athletes from both sex on a field or a court that difference will always be apparent.
So why should you be surprised that a bunch of guys should beat the best young basketball players in this country. By the way, this was not the Olympic team you played but the Under 20 team that is playing against other youngsters in Mexico.
You evidently had good athletes (yourself included), not dorks who did not know how to play. You had at least one DI player on the court, some good club players and one "big black guy" to take care of Courtney Paris.
Besides the physical differences you were also playing a group that was attempting to come together as a team, learning about the coach, as well as the other players and attempting to play team ball with an organized O and D.
Think back to your playing days and those dog days of practice just trying to figure out everyone's game plan. The ladies didn't have a chance. So while you can take pleasure in the win, in my mind it is a bit tainted. Let's compare apples to apples okay?
In regards to girls in general playing ball I would like to say that you are wrong, girls are getting better in all sports. They have had to work through social stigmas, poor coaching and no experience when they were young. How many girls wanted to play with you on the court when you were in grammer school? As I recall there was only one and we now know what a freak she is. Still the next crop of ladies are much improved over the group I had when I coached at the high school level. They don't dunk but they can shoot lights out and at the college level have a reasonable level of understanding of the game.
Women shoot better than men because they can't dunk. They come off screens better because they have to. The winner of the three point contest between men and women at the Final Four was, yes, a woman. Girls are getting better at playing the game while guys are getting bigger, and bigger and more athletic. Skinny, dorky guys used to play basketball but no more.
Now, mediocre talent gets paid 50 million dollars because of his "athleticism". How lucky are they. You should check out the up and coming tennis, soccer, v-ball an b-ball players. Pretty darn good. I have no commernt on Venus and Serena. They are living their life the way they want to.So, in conclusion, I think you were just yanking my chain. No problem, any communication is good with you my studly son!!!
Sunday, August 06, 2006
I am not a male chauvinist. Rather, I am perhaps the most qualified man on the planet to make this statement. Let me tell you my credentials:
My mom coached women's basketball and volleyball, for both high school and college. My sister went to the high school state championship in basketball and volleyball, before she went on to play basketball for my mom in college. And my other sister was on her way to a similar career until she hit puberty and chose to quit sports to date guys who wore makeup.
What all of this means is that I have been to more fricking women's sporting events than anyone in the world (besides my dad and Gino Auriemmia).
So you see, not only am I eminently qualified to say that girls are not good at sports, but I risk a huge ass kicking by my entire family just for writing it! That's conviction, motherfuckers.
I really thought some good stuff was gonna happen with ladies and sports. I've watched the evolution of it all from the '80's until now. My mom navigated her school from the lowly NAIA to Division 1, and I saw the talent get better and better. Title IX gave women across the country all of the opportunities that men had to start playing sports. So it was unfair to judge the quality of play back in the day, it was just the beginning.
But now it's a generation after that, and their daughters have arrived and they've seen Brandi Chastain's sports bra and the arrival of professional leagues and nationally televised games of all kind, with no restrictions on their sports ambitions. Thus, the free pass is over. It's time to judge. And the verdict is ugly.
There were some high school summer league games going on at my gym last week, and it seemed like every guy in the layup line could dunk. Every one! You know how many girls can dunk? Three. Three! In the whole world! And I know it shouldn't be about dunking and our bodies are different, but still...it seems like the gap is getting wider and that is the problem. Guys are getting better at a faster rate than girls and that's makes no sense.
What about Venus and Serena Williams you ask? They played against a guy once. His name - Karsten Braasch, ranked 203rd in the world. The result? He beat one of them 6-1 and the other 6-2. And don't get me started on the fact that they gave up the chance to be the best in the world to design clothes and date Brett Ratner. What the hell is that? You have the chance to be the best in the world at something and instead you choose to be just another celebrity? You know why're a celebrity? Cause you were the best in the world! And you're not some incredible designer, you're a tennis player so be one! Could you imagine Tiger Woods playing golf part-time so he could work on his true passion: hair stylist. Hell no! You know why? Because Tiger Woods wants to kill every other golfer on the planet! He doesn't want to do hair.
Oh, I know. Michelle Wie. I'll give you that one. But I have some advice for her: before you play in all these men's tournaments, why don't you try beating the women first.
But these are just the people at the top. Here's why I'm bringing this whole thing up: my friend is a women's basketball for a college in the OC. He called me last week and told me that the women's under 20 Olympic basketball team was practicing at school and they were looking for guys to play against. I jumped at the chance for several reasons. 1) I am unemployed and have nothing better to do. 2) I would like at some point in my 30's to actually be in shape. And 3) I like to rub up against sweaty 20 year old athletic girls.
I went to the gym and didn't find the team. But there were some guys playing a little pickup, so I got into a game or two with them. And then I was informed that the girls were in a different gym, so I went up with some of the dudes I had been playing with.
It was awesome - there were referees and a scoreboard. This is awesome because the only games I get into these days involve a lot of fighting over fouls. It was great to be in an organized game again. So we played. It was me and two other guys about my height (I'm generously listed at a strapping 5'10", this kind of generosity makes Mother Theresa look like a selfish bitch). And then a 6'2" guy and a very large black man. I don't know the resume of these guys, but I didn't play in college, I know one of the guards played at St. Mary's, and the taller guys seemed pretty good. But again, these were just random people playing pickup at the school.
And the Olympic team has been practicing for awhile and about to go play in a tournament in Mexico city. And there were 5 of us, and 12 for the Olympic team. As we played, they ran substitutions in and out, as the gym was approximately 12o degrees. And of course, they had special defenses and a bunch of plays. We didn't even know each other's names! And guess what? We kicked the shit out of them. It was not close.
So I did some checking on this Olympic team. One of the girls I guarded is named Jolene Anderson. She plays for Wisconsin and averaged 17 points and 7 rebounds a game. In high school, she averaged 37 points a game. 37 points! Guess how many she scored in our game? None.
I shut down the Michael Jordan of high school basketball and I couldn't even feel proud, and you know why? Cause girls aren't good at sports.
Friday, August 04, 2006
And not only that, I get to do some more of what is supposed to be "acting", playing the referee in a wrestling sketch (who has a pivotal role in the outcome). It's definitely not as embarrassing as my previous roles, but it affords me a tad more screen time, as well as another monster check that goes immediately to AFTRA. Go unions!
So as you can see, Comedy Central's doing just fine. Sure they lost Chappelle, but now they're bringing you a monster helping of Handleman! I bet you're just chomping at the bit - Sunday at 10 on Comedy Central, and then replayed a million times thereafter. Enjoy...
Thursday, August 03, 2006
I thought of you last night when I was tsk-tsk-tsking my disappointment in Lauren Conrad at my television. Jason over Paris? All Lauren love is gone. Poor child.
This person is of course referring to the finale of "The Hills". For those of you who weren't watching this show, way to be strong! You're better people than me.
But just to catch you up really quick, the star of the show Lauren (LC) moved to LA and got an internship with Teen Vogue while going out with the most hated man in America, Jason - who had developed this reputation while both were in high school on the MTV show "Laguna Beach".
So anyway, they set up this finale where LC was offered an internship in Paris for the summer, while Jason asked LC to move in with him in Malibu. Thus, she had a decision to make. She chose the jackass. And now all of her "fans" have lost respect for her and pretty much hate her (and probably have jumped over to "Team Kristin").
Here is the problem with this (and the show):
Was LC really choosing between Paris and Jason? I don't think so. After Laguna Beach, she got famous - paparazzi followed her around, she was in magazines, she was getting TV offers, etc. This is the whole reason "The Hills" exists. So why would she want to go to Paris for an internship? She's famous! She has a TV show! She's a big shot in LA! And I'm no fashion expert, but I'm guessing the quicker route to having your own line is being famous and not working your way up from intern. And guess what? From all the money you make from your own TV show, you can pay your own way to Paris and not have to work for free when you get there.
It's just like on the show - she was interning at Teen Vogue and yet...she was on the cover of Teen Vogue! How many interns at production companies are the star of the movie? None. So it's really just a bullshit facade they've created to make a TV show, and why it's so much faker and lamer than "Laguna Beach".
On a side note - I don't think I've ever hated anyone on TV more than I hate Jason. Yes, even more than such luminaries as Oliver from the "OC", Wes from "Real World Austin", and Billy from "Melrose Place". I yell at this guy from my living room (of course when I saw him at a party recently, I said nothing).
But I have to say that the producers must be partly to blame here. Now I've never believed in the whole argument of "That wasn't me, that was the editing". That's bullshit. But in this case, there has to be some merit. I say there has to be because if Jason was really like this, there's no fricking way that anyone anywhere would go out with him. This is a man who for 2 seasons of television, has yet to speak a complete sentence! So either he is being edited a tad unfairly, or he is an unlikeable, mentally challenged Forrest Gump type who is the first generation of his family to walk upright.
It's probably a little of both.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Me and this girl had gone out only a few times when she asked me to come out with her and her roommate and his friends to a gay club in Hollywood. Now, I had never been to a gay club but I was willing to go if it might lead to some non-gay activities between me and this girl. And besides, how much different could a gay club be than a regular club? I was young.
Well I found out as soon as we walked in the door. I looked to the left and the dance floor was already full of guys, guys with their shirts off. And I'm not sure where the gays get all their free time, but they must work out. A lot. I once devoted an entire semester of college to getting "abs" and I couldn't even scratch the surface. These guys all had 12 packs. I don't want to stereotype, but gays, at least in Hollywood, are really into situps (and presumably, anal sex).
Anyway, I kept close to the girl. The last thing I wanted was to be hit on, not because I'm homophobic but because I know how hard it is to hit on someone and have them tell you they're "not into guys". Although I was being rather presumptious to think I'd get hit on because I was the flabbiest, pastiest guy in the place. I was the equivalent of the fat friend. In fact, there were probably guys at this place debating who was going to make the sacrifice and jump on the grenade (me).
We got a drink at the bar, and then she wanted to dance. I downed my 7 and 7 as fast as I could, ordered another and downed that one just as quickly, and then went into Seacrest heaven. I would have to venture through a sea of male washboard abs in order to capture the female booty.
So we're dancing, and though my body fat percentage could not keep up with the gays, my dancing certainly did. What can I say? I've got rhythm. And then it happened. My girl had to go to the bathroom. And the problem was, I had just got back from the bathroom. I said I'd go with her and she said "no, stay with my friends".
So I stayed. And danced. But I kept my shirt on. As R. Kelly once sang, "Behold, the power of the p-u-s-s-y".
And that is why, ladies and gentleman, if I ever play the "I never" game with people at a party, and someone says, "I've never danced to the music of Britney Spears with 100 perfectly toned and tanned shirtless gay men", I'll have to drink my ass off.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
EXT. CAR - DAY
ROGER MURTAUGH (Danny Glover) steps out of the car as a panicked MARTIN RIGGS (Mel Gibson) approaches.
What the hell is going on Riggs?
They killed him, Roger, they killed him.
Are you drunk?
Don't you hear me, Roger! They killed him.
Who killed him?
Of course! They're responsible for all the wars of the world, and "War of the Worlds" - Spielberg directed that.
You're not just trying to draw a psycho pension, are you? You really are crazy.
Are you a Jew?
Then let's go arrest those sons of bitches!
For killing him!
I think the statute of limitations is up on that one.
I don't care, I own this fucking city! Let's go.
Riggs starts to get in the car but Murtaugh stops him.
No, you're supposed to be suicidal, remember? And we're gonna take Fairfax and you're anti-semitic...I'll drive.
Riggs and Murtaugh get in the car. Murtaugh turns it on and the radio starts playing, it's Matisyahu.
He turns it off. He picks up the transmitter.
Put out an APB on Jews comma Dirty.
I'm too old for this shit.