I'm Drawing the Line at "Ugly Betty"

Is there such a thing as too much good TV? It's like the '80's when there were a lot of good sitcoms, only now it's all hour longs so it's taking up more time. And I'm lucky, I'm unemployed, so I have time to actually sit and watch all of it. I don't know how you guys can be fitting it into your (I assume) very full, fun-filled lives.

Now that I'm done talking about all the good shows, let's talk about "Ugly Betty". Just kidding. Maybe. I'm not saying I hated it, but I'm not sure if it's good either. This is a show that ABC was about to banish to Friday night, but had some sort of epiphany that it was "great" and put it on Thursdays before "Grey's Anatomy". I'm not so sure. It's a nice little show and all, but I have to draw the line at some point. There are only so many hours in the day. And I'm pasty enough as it is, I need to get into the sunlight for at least a couple minutes per day.

Before I get into my thoughts about it, can we first talk about the fact that this show poached not one but two former "O.C." cast members? First, the one and only Caleb Nichol is in it. In this show, he plays the part of...Caleb Nichol. Well, not exactly, but kinda. He's Caleb but less of an asshole and less heart attacky in a pool.

And second, holy shit, it's the "evil" dean! Wow, this guy's a real up and comer, huh? The first half of the show, he plays...an "evil" spoiled son, very similar to the "evil" dean character except for this guy is way more in favor of hot sex with "O.C"-ish looking chicks. However, in the second half of this episode he gets a little less "evil". Look at the range on this guy! No wonder he's on the fast track.

And by the way, doesn't anyone think about these things? Is there anyone at the studio who goes, "you know, both of these dudes were on the "OC"? Cause I'm not doing anything and I could totally do that job.

Now, the show: why is it an hour? Is that really necessarily? Last time I checked, this thing is a sitcom. It's light and it's funny (sort of) and it's quirky. It's not really a drama. This show just has no business being longer than 30 minutes. Sitcom has nothing, can't you at least throw it a bone? I don't get this.

I can't really hate on this show too much. It's not bad. It's pleasant and likeable, but pardon me for asking this, why should I give a shit? Why would I want to watch an ugly girl with problems when I can watch hot girls with problems? That's just a joke, but I actually don't know why I would ever be invested in it. It reminds me a little of "Ed", except for with that show, I wanted Ed and Carol to get together, so I watched. What am I caring about here?

It also seems contrived in a way, especially the way that second half hour wrapped itself up. The other one hours are so solid, this thing felt a little pat and old schooly. I'm not a "Law and Order" guy, so maybe I'm out to lunch on this, but it seems like we don't need things to be wrapped up in a bow so neatly at the end of episodes anymore. Plus, especially with the end, the tone was weird. Is it campy or isn't it? Cause the end was campy. It seems like it's straddling that fine line that "Desperate Housewives" couldn't straddle last year. Quirky/slightly is tough to do and wears a thin quickly. How long before Betty is ripping off her wig to reveal a huge scar?

But all of this doesn't matter cause I'm done. There's just too much competition, I'm drawing the line at "Ugly Betty". And keep in mind, "The Bachelor", "30 Rock", and "Friday Night Lights" haven't even premiered yet. And also, let's not forget about that show about the Hanso Foundation. Maybe I'll learn to live with being pasty.

"Idiocracy"

We all love "Office Space". You love it, I love it, and if you say you don't love it you than you probably also don't like candy, Christmas, or Ashlee Simpson's new nose. It's impossible not to love. It is genius.

"Office Space" was written by Mike Judge, the man behind "Beavis and Butthead" and "King of the Hill". When Office was released, it did very poorly at the box office. It cost 10 million dollars to make and made 10 million dollars - which is very similar to "In the Mix". However, it gained cult status on video and on cable - which is not at all like "In the Mix". I don't know if there's really any comparison to it's popularity AFTER it was out of theaters, possibly only "Shawshank Redemption" comes close (I'm talking moder movies here, "It's a Wonderful Life" freaks). The movie became so huge that the studio pushed Mike Judge to make a sequel - which is pretty crazy considering the movie's box office performance.

Mike Judge refused to do a sequel, cause he's cool like that. But 7 years later, he did write and direct another movie, "Idiocracy". It stars Luke Wilson as a guy who is a subject in a top secret government hibernation project, and wakes up 100 years in the future where everybody is a moron, thus turning him into the smartest guy in the world.

Now, you might not know this, but this movie came out in theaters a month ago. The studio did not spend any money promoting it. It was released in just a few theaters in 7 cities. There were no posters, no commercials, nothing. In short, the studio buried it.

Why? I have no idea. Was it because it sucked? I don't think so. I had a couple friends who saw it and said it was pretty good. It received over 70 percent favorable reviews on rottentomatoes.com. So what the fuck?

What is so crazy about this is what happened with "Office Space". I mean, there's a track record here. Why not trust this guy? And meanwhile your releasing "Wicker Man" and "Accepted" and "Flyboys", and proclaiming freaking Zach Braff to be the voice of his generation. Well how about the movie from the guy who has an actual legitimate claim to that title? And why is the mainstream media letting them get away with this shit. Wow, I sound like Bill O'Reilly. But still, you know we'd be hearing all about it if it was Braff's or God forbid Sofia Coppola's follow up film.

Oh, I know. They make important movies. But guess what? Neither have them ever called Michael Bolton a no talent ass clown.

I don't know how many of you were aware of this whole thing so I'm just putting the word out, I'll be renting it when it comes out on video and judging for myself, I hope you will too. I'm so glad I work in this insane business, I think only the tale of Ya Ya keeps me going.

Smith: 2, Studio 60: 0

Are you guys watching "Smith"? Are you loving it as much as I am? I hope so. It's freaking awesome. I'm really stoked about this show. Simon Baker is a badass. I might have to put him in my stable of heterosexual man loves along with Joshua Jackson and Jason Priestley. And of course, Ray Liotta. It was so funny, the kid who plays Liotta's son looked scared just to be acting near him. It wasn't even part of the scene, you could tell the kid thought at any moment Liotta was gonna grab him by the collar and toss him over a car or something. Love it!

Now, this is no diss to "Studio 60". I'm liking that show too, just not as much as I'm liking "Smith". Which is a surprise since I heard so much hype about "Studio" and nothing about "Smith".

"Studio" is good so far, and again, I think it's going to keep getting better and better. Matthew Perry is terrific, he should just always be on TV. He's made for it. But how weird is it that he's playing a guy named "Matt" who's taking painkillers for his back and might get addicted? Is he going to get painfully skinny and then painfully fat and unattractive too? I don't know if we need that much reality, it was unfortunate enough the first time around.

A couple problems with the show so far.

#1) A difficult part in doing a show about a show within a show, is getting the show within the show right. Confused? I mean, it takes a huge group of talented people to create the crap that is Saturday Night Live every week (at least the last couple years it's been crappy). So how are you going to portray that effectively when you're spending most of your time trying to make the show about the inner-workings of that other show good? Very difficult. And that may have made no sense whatsoever.

#2) Casting. I mentioned this last week, but Sarah Paulson? Yikes. She's not attractive enough for this part, she just isn't. And if she's such a comedy genius, why have we never seen her do anything funny ever?

And also, D.L. Hughley. I was up close and personal with his Comedy Central show last year (it was on the same lot as me with the same Executive Producer), and this guy just can't say what other people write. He's fine when he's saying his own jokes, but as soon as it's other people's stuff, especially Aaron Sorkin, he's about as coherent as Magic Johnson doing color commentary.

Anyway, that's it. It seems like there's a lot of good shows this year. Unfortunately, they're all one hour dramas. And I say unfortunately because I'd like to work on a sitcom and, you know, be able to afford a nice meal some day.

My Frankenstein

This story is probably only amazing to me, but something happened last night that totally blew my mind so I feel like I have to tell it here. Here goes.

I used to work on the E! show "Celebrities Uncensored". Yes, yes I know, very impressive. It actually took a long time for me to be okay with myself enough to admit that, but it's true. Although we were the red headed step children of Hollywood, we were actually the second highest rated show on the network (1st was Howard Stern).

This is how the show would work. E! had a deal with a paparazzi guy who would provide us with tons of his footage. And then our job was to go through all of the tapes, find the best stuff, and then write a voice over that told the "story" of the footage.

Well, this was all well and good for the first couple episodes because we had this paparazzi's library of footage and there was great stuff. But after that it was slim pickings. That's when we had to get creative and start borderline making up stories. Like, if we had some boring shots of Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani standing somewhere and Gavin were to look away for a second, we would freeze it and say "Is Gavin checking out that other girl?!" Shit like that.

It's also when we made stars of Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, and Kimberly Stewart. Once we had used up the good stuff, we had to turn to these three for one simple reason: they were in all of the footage. Seriously, these girls were at every single party, every event, every club, on every night. It was amazing. And though they weren't really famous yet, they had famous names and would be drunk and or high and do stupid stuff so we'd put them in.

There was another person who kept turning up in all the footage. But he wasn't famous and didn't have a famous name. He was a small, chubby Egyptian man. He seemed to always be with the paparazzi, but he wasn't one of them. He was some kind of super fan. He would follow the paparazzi around because they knew where the celebrities were, and then try to get a picture with them. That's it. Just a picture.

But Ya Ya was funny. Unintentionally funny. He spoke in really bad broken English. And he would get so excited about taking his picture with celebrities, yet in some weird way, he didn't really know who they were. I remember we had like 15 minutes of Ya Ya showing all of his pictures with celebrities and talking about them. I thought it was just about the funniest thing ever. Cause it went like this:

YA YA: (holding up picture of him and Owen Wilson) This is me and that man, he has funny nose, I love his movies. (pic of him and Sylvester Stallone) Me and Sylvester, he is very, very nice man. Very nice. (pic of him and Tobey Mcguire) This is me and I'm not sure who this man is, very, very nice though. He played Batman I think.

Well you can just see the comedy gold. So I started pushing for us to give Ya Ya his own segment and we eventually did. And after that aired, we started getting even better footage of Ya Ya. Why? Because now he was a celebrity. People were recognizing him from our show and giving him love. I remember one time it was Ya Ya surrounded by hot women and going "Thank you, Celebrities Uncensored, I love you very, very much. You are very, very nice people, I am so happy." It brought a tear to my eye.

Finally, the show got cancelled. Not because our ratings were bad but because poor Giuliana couldn't interview celebrities on the red carpet -they were all pissed off at "Celebrities Uncensored". Renee Zellweger claimed she had to hire 5 bodyguards because of the show, and refused to talk to E! until they got rid of it. Crazy bitch.

But in the time since, I have occasionally seen Ya Ya. If you read In Touch or Us Weekly and know what he looks like, you will see him too. He's still out there, doing his thing. Which is crazy. He has a family and a regular job, but this is how he spends his nights.

So last night I'm laying in bed and watching TV. I'm flipping the channels around and land on Jimmy Kimmel. And there, sitting next to Diane Lane and getting interviewed by Kimmel, is none other than Ya Ya. Fucking Ya Ya! How insane is that? And guess what he was doing? That's right, flipping through his pictures and talking about them, just as he had done when I saw him on that tape and put him on the show. I couldn't believe it. Ya Ya is a star.

And I can't help feeling like I had a role in it. I was Lou Perlman to his Backstreet Boys, Tommy Mottola to his Mariah Carey, Bela Karoli to his Mary Lou Retton.

Attention All Dweebs, Geeks, and Nerds

Remember when I wrote about acting on that show "X Play" on the G4 network? Well, apparently I offended some people.

I knew there was a chance that it might get a bit of a response because the fanbase of G4 is very passionate, and they're on the internet a lot. But apprarently, they go online for more than just porn and chess, because they stumbled upon my little blog.

Unbeknownst to most of you, the internet has been on fire with reaction to my claim that the people at "X Play" are assholes. Now, to my surprise, many of the comments I've received were positive (especially as it pertains to Miss Morgan Webb). But others, well, not so much.

I guess certain forums didn't like what I had to say about their heroes and started calling me out. Which is fine. I am the first one to say that I am an idiot. I have no qualms about getting criticized. However, there seems to be some confusion out there as to the circumstances and situation surrounding my acting stint on G4, and I wanted to clear up those misconceptions.

MYTH #1: I am an actor who has burned a major bridge by talking shit about G4, I'm a douchebag, and I'll probably never get an acting part ever again.

REALITY: I am not an actor! Maybe if you're new to my blog you don't know that, but I thought it was clear in the first paragraph of my post about G4. Since I had some free time on my hands, and since they don't have much money to pay a real actor, I went in and did the bit. I am not a "unemployed actor dude" as someone wrote, I am an unemployed writer dude, get it straight!

MYTH #2: I am a douchebag, and some sort of "super diva", like Lindsay Lohan, who needs constant attention and I'm just being a whiny bitch because "whaaaa, everyone ignored me".

REALITY: Yes, they did ignore me and refused to acknowledge my existence, but that really wasn't my complaint. It was more of my shock and amazement that they were so bitter and rude about doing the sketch, and also, how seriously they take the show. You're on G4! This isn't masterpiece theater. You get a .2 rating! It's nice that you want to do a good show, but aren't you supposed to have a sense of humor about it?

And still no one has answered my question - why wouldn't the hosts want to do stuff other than just read intros (that other people write, that lead into produced packages that other people produce) off a teleprompter? Instead, they cry about it. I don't get it.

MYTH #3: You love them and love the show and there's no way that they are assholes and it must be the douchebag's (that's me) fault.

Listen, I know it's sad to hear that the people you enjoy watching aren't as cool as you'd hoped. But you know, Jeremy Piven is a notorious real life asshole, but that doesn't stop me from enjoying "Entourage". And Mischa Barton is an overrated, talentless mess but that doesn't stop me from...okay, bad example.

Hope that cleared things up. I will go back now to talking about shows that normal people have actually heard of.

SNL Update Part III

Well, reader pdxpup was kind enough to inform me that Saturday Night Live finally made their cast decisions. And yes, our long national nightmare is over. Horatio is out. And so is Finesse Mitchell, which we hadn't heard before, but he was one of the guys I wanted to see gone. So yey for that. And sadly, Parnell is gone. Also, Rachel Dratch isn't coming back, but we knew that because she's on Tina Fey's new show. And some of you will actually be happy to know that contrary to reports, Kenan Thompson is indeed coming back.

This was interesting because Horatio himself was saying that he hadn't heard anything as recently as two weeks ago, and assumed he was coming back. That's pretty weird that they keep those guys in the dark for all this time. Don't they have contracts? I don't know. But Horatio, see you on the third season of Mind of Mencia, buddy. Maybe I'll write a song for you and tailor it specifically to your talents, with plenty of giggling and unfunnyness.

Unfortunately, the host for the premiere episode is none other than Dane Cook. What the fuck? He just hosted! The sad thing is that SNL used to find guys like this before they were famous, now they just jump on board the myspace train. By the way, that banging Jessica Simpson thing is looking a lot less impressive by the hour.

Smith

I am so pissed I forgot to mention "Smith" in my TV preview. I'm not sure how I missed it. But it was on last night and I watched it, and it was great!

It's on Tuesdays at 10pm on CBS. It's about a family man who is a criminal. Hmmm, where have I heard that premise before? But this isn't the mob. This is just a dude who is an expert at stealing shit (not killing people).

First of all, how good is this cast? It's a movie cast, and the pilot was like a movie. There's Ray Liotta, Virginia Madsen (Oh the sad state of roles for women of a certain age, when they have to go from Oscar to tertiary character on a TV show), Simon Baker (who looks a lot like Scott Speedman, only less whispery), and Amy Smart.

That's a ridiculous cast. It's like a show full of movie co-stars who are better than the stars. I mean, Simon Baker was awesome in "Devil Wears Prada", what does he need this for? I don't know, but I'm glad he does cause his characer is great and he's perfect for it.

Anyway, the pilot was written by John Wells (ER, The West Wing), and this guy is good. Just a very confident writer. It focused on Ray Liotta and his crew stealing paintings at a museum and it goes bad.

Now, this isn't CSI. Every episode isn't going to be about a different heist. Future episodes are going to explore the complications that have arisen from this heist. Which is cool, but it makes you wonder how good the rest of the season is going to be. Usually in a pilot you get to understand how every episode is going to go, but in this case, we have no idea. Hopefully, it can keep up what it did in the first show.

I'm a little worried about this because it really felt like they put everything into the pilot. It truly was movie like, and you just wonder if they can keep it up. We'll see.

On the other end of the spectrum is "Studio 60". The pilot wasn't as good as "Smith", but that's because it was more of a pilot. There was a lot of exposition, not only setting up who these characters are, but also setting up the situation that is launching this series. And that's okay. I'm stoked about this show and think it's going to get better and better (although I hate that Sarah Paulson as Mathew Perry's love interest, yikes).

Unfortunately, the big premiere finished second to "CSI: New York". I just will never understand why people would watch a third version of the same show. Why, America, why?! But as Terry Mann once said to Ray Kinsella in the Field of Dreams, "The people will come, Ray, the people will most definitely come."

The New Justin Timberlake Album: The Review

Justin Timberlake is an anomaly. While the ladies of the pop insanity of a couple years ago more or less have survived - Christina Aguilera, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson (and Britney would have had she not married the Fed. I was thinking that Britney is a lot like Forrest Gump, they're both from the south, slow-witted, and both have a significant other with a crippling illness - Jenny had AIDS, Fed is retarded) - the fellas of pop have not fared quite so well. Just look at them:

Nick Carter - chubby Paris beater.
Lance Bass - gay astronaut.
JC Chasez - professional red carpet walker/ex-boyfriend of Tara Reid.
Kevin Richardson - who?
Nick Lachey - the new Mario Lopez, except for not gay.
Joey Fatone - Died, 2003. Okay, he didn't really die. But he kinda did. And I really feel like the fact that his name is Fat One wasn't explored enough comedically. I mean, fat one? How great was that? This is literally the only proof we have that there is a higher being.

So you see what I'm seeing, JT stands alone. So let's ask the question, why? Well, he's good looking. He can dance. He can sing (sorta). Despite being in a boy band, he seems to understand the mechanics of "cool" and somehow managed to maintain a shred of artistic integrity. Of course, this all would've been meaningless had he not dumped Britney at the exact right time in history. But there is one other factor that has separated JT from the rest: the people who know how to make good music have taken a liking to him.

On his first album, every song was produced by either Timbaland or The Neptunes. With that kind of backing, even Howie D. could've gone platinum.

So now after 3 years of gallabanting around the world with Cameron Diaz and filming straight to video movies, Justin is back with his second album. And this time he has chosen Timbaland to (basically) produce the whole thing. And luckily for him, Tim is the "hot" producer right now with that stupid Nelly Furtado song and JT's own "Sexyback".

But this causes me to wonder: at one point is your album not your album? This thing is not a solo record, it's a duet. In fact, this is more of a Timbaland album than it is a Timberlake album, so I really don't know what to think about that. And whether you like the album or not has nothing to do with your feelings towards JT, and more to do with whether or not you like Timbaland songs.

And right now, I don't. I might be the only person in the country right now who doesn't like "Sexyback", but I'm fine with it. I'm not a synth guy, never have, never will be. These beats and fake noises are just oppressive. It's all too much.

I think it's cool to do a couple songs with him, but you gotta mix it up. I don't know what a Justin Timberlake album sounds like yet, but I sure do know how Timbaland album sounds. A lot of these songs are similar to the stuff he did with Aaliyah, remember that song with the baby crying in the background? Same shit!

With that being said, this isn't a bad album. It's actually pretty good. But mostly because it's rare these days to get music that is well produced with a significant amount of money poured into it. But it isn't a great one, and I won't be listening to it over and over again.

Some of the songs that Tim ruins are "Sexyback", "Sexy Ladies", and "Summer Love". However, I do like that "My Love" song with TI. "Damn Girl" is one of the standout songs because it wasn't done by you know who. It was produced by my boy Will.I.Am, and it's a real song with real music and fairly good.

Probably my favorite song is "What Goes Around...". This song is supposedly about how big a bitch Elisha Cuthbert is. I guess she was going out with JT's personal assistant and left his ass. Dude, that's how much the ladies like Justin - his leftovers are Elisha Cuthbert!

Overall, I'm glad we have JT representin' for the white boys and making some solid music, and that he's not a gay chubby astronaut who died in 2003.

Confusion

Look at this picture:

Frightening.

Maybe the ladies are different, but I tend to base my appeareance on what the opposite sex will find most attractive (to mixed results). The only guy that would find Kate Bosworth attractive in this picture is John Mark Karr.

It really seems like women are doing a little too much listening to gays and to other women. Don't listen to them! They don't have to fuck you! We do!

Have a sandwhich and a non-diet Coke, bitches.

TV is Back!!!

I love the summer so much that I start fearing it's end 2 months in advance, and now it's finally happened. But the one great thing about no more summer is all new TV. We will never know or understand why the powers that be ignore us for those three months, but at least it makes these next 9 months all the more glorious. Of course, it makes it a little less glorious when we see non-major network shows like "Entourage" and "Rescue Me" and realize that a lot of their stuff sucks. But I digress.

Here is what I plan on watching this season (if two shows on here occupy the same time, the one I like less will be TiVo'd to be viewed later, which I will mark "TiVo". Yes, I'm a loser):


SUNDAY

Wow. Remember when Sunday was one of the best days of the TV week? Well, they shipped "Grey's Anatomy" off to Thursday and made "Desperate Housewives" really stinky. Here's what I wrote about "Housewives" in last year's preview:

Desperate Housewives - I have this nagging feeling that I will stop watching this show at some point this season, I can think of no other show that teeters on the edge of great and God awful like it does.

It did more than teeter, it did a cliff dive into a steamy bowl of crap. And now Marc Cherry promises us "more funny" and "more sexy" this season. Hey douchebag, can I get my 22 hours back from last year? Seriously, I don't understand this. It's the same thing that Schwartz does with the "The O.C.", "uh yeah, that whole season sucked but next year we're gonna go back to the stuff you liked!" How about just doing it in the first place?

7:00: "60 Minutes" - I don't know why, but I always watch 60 Minutes. It's a Sunday tradition for me. It's like going to church, a church full of really, really old, confrontational people.

7:00 - 10:00 Football (TiVo). Nice work, NBC, way to buy an easy ratings winner instead of doing something crazy, like developing good shows.

That's all I got. I hate cartoon TV, Ty Pennington, and I hate procedurals like "Cold Case" and "Without a Trace". Why doesn't America understand that all they're watching is "Murder, She Wrote"? That's all these shows are, over and over again. My favorite moments from TV come from relationshipy stuff, never from the way a investigator discovers some sperm. I wanna see how that sperm got there! From the first date to the awkward first kiss to the decision not to use protection to the premature ejaculation.

MONDAY

8:00 "Prison Break" (TiVo) This show is just ridiculous. It's freaking inane. How bad has that plan been? It's the worst plan of all time. Yet it's somehow watchable. I love William Fichtner this year.

8:30 "How I Met Your Mother" I love this show. It's funny, and then it's got the Ross/Rachel, Sam/Diane thing, which I always like. And also, Doogie.

9:00 "The Bachelor"!!! As you know, this is one of my favorite shows and I can't wait for the new season. My friend Susan is currently working on it as a producer, and I made her promise not to tell me anything that is going on. As I've discussed many times, I don't want to know outside shit about any of my shows. I just want to watch and enjoy. Susan was back in the US for a hometown visit (the show takes place in Rome this year), and I wouldn't allow her to tell me which city she was in because it would give a girl away. And yes, the secrets of "The Bachelor" are more sacred than our friendship. She has accepted this.

10:00 "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" I was hyping this show 6 months ago for two reasons: a) it's a behind the scenes of an SNL type show, an idea which I've been clamoring for for a long time, and b) it's written by Aaron Sorkin. This idea is so good NBC is making it twice (which we'll get to later).

TUESDAY

8:00 "Friday Night Lights" Okay, why is this show on Tuesday? Kinda weird. But this show presents us with a dilemma which I always think about when coming up with my own ideas: how do you do something that is already being done by a reality show? Why would I watch this fictional show about a high school football team when I can watch "Two a Days" on MTV about a real high school football team? Although, it's hard to get more fictional than any MTV reality show.

9:00 "The Knights of Prosperity" This show is weird. But I'm giving it a shot, because we need more sitcoms. Okay, I need more sitcoms, and I don't really give a crap what they are just as long as I can write on them at some point. This show is about a group of guys trying to rob Mick Jagger's apartment. Great, I'm really glad the fate of sitcoms rests on that idea. Is it possible to be on unemployment for 5 years? Cause that's what I'm looking at.

WEDNESDAY

8:30 "30 Rock" Here's the second behind the scenes of an SNL type show. It's crazy enough to have two shows about the same thing, but do both have to have a number in the title? Do you know how many times I've screwed this up already? I love Alec Baldwin. And they somehow took my note of getting rid of Rachel Dratch, who was playing the star of the fictional sketch show. So that's good. I'm just a little afraid of Tina Fey. She's funny and everything, but let's remember this: she was the head writer during perhaps the worst years in SNL history.

9:00 "Lost" Do I really need to say anymore about the greatest show in the history of television?

10:00 "The Nine" vs. "Kidnapped" (TiVo) "The Nine" gets the non-TiVo edge for one reason and one reason only: Bailey Salinger is in it. Both of these shows look really cool, at least from the commercials which means nothing. It's so weird how "Kidnapped" is exactly the same as the movie "Ransom", with Delroy Lindo playing the EXACT SAME ROLE. What the fuck? And "Kidnapped" has an inverse "Lost"premise - the people live in their regular lives with flashbacks to what happened during a bank robbery they all shared together. Yes, this is the season of the "Lost" copycats. Finally! If you're gonna copy something, at least copy "Lost" and not "Law and Order".

THURSDAY

8:30 "The Office" I think you know my Patty Hearst love of this show by now.

8:00 "Ugly Betty" (TiVo) This show features nothing that appeals to me, and looks absolutely terrible. Yet from all accounts it is really good, with ABC even moving it to this big time time slot. But honestly, if I wanted to watch a show with ugly women I'd watch "The View". Sorry, had to do it.

9:00 "Grey's Anatomy" Let's hope they can keep it up.

You'll notice that there is no mention of a certain show featuring attractive teenagers, and you know why? Because even Mischa-less, "The O.C. is still dead.

I also want to say a word about the Brad Garret show "'Till Death". That's a good idea, let's take the worst character on a good (I say generously) sitcom and give him his own sitcom. Where have I seen that before? Oh yeah, I didn't see it because I didn't watch "Joey". Brad Garrett makes Matt LeBlanc look like someone America likes.

FRIDAY and SATURDAY

Isn't it so weird how the networks have totally given up on these nights? My Saturday nights as a child were spent watching the genius block of "Diff'rent Strokes" and "Silver Spoons". I guess kids these days have lives or something. Bastards.

Germans HATE David Hasselhoff

I was in Vegas this weekend and struck up a conversation with a guy from Germany. But not just any guy from Germany, this guy was a German celebrity. Well, maybe not celebrity. More like the Suzanne Somers of Germany. He sold stuff on the German version of QVC, sort of like Ron Propeil but without the creativity.

Well, it wasn't long before I seized upon this golden opportunity. I had to ask the question that we all want to know.

So I said, "Bjorn", yes, his name was seriously Bjorn, "Bjorn, do Germans really love David Hasselhoff"?

He didn't smile, in fact, he looked puzzled. I was kinda surprised he hadn't heard the question before. He said, "No, Germans hate David Hasselhoff. He hasn't been popular for 15 years, he was, how you call it, a one hit wonder."

This answer was totally unacceptable. I asked about all the footage I've seen, the thousands upon thousands of screaming aryan German fans. He said I was mistaken. Hasselhoff had one hit in the late '80's that was huge, but hasn't done much there ever since. Although, he did admit that if you turned to a certain channel on German cable, you could most likely catch an episode of "Knight Rider". And he let slip, I think unintentionally, some knowledge about Kit.

Poor, Hasselhoff though. Germany was his meal ticket. It's like Jerry Lewis and France. Or Barbara Streisand and the gays. Or Jerry Lewis and retards.

But you heard it straight from Bjorn: Germans hate David Hasselhoff.

My Acting Career

In this crazy world of show business, sometimes just hanging near where stuff is happening can thrust you into superstardom - just ask Kimberley Stewart, Nicole Richie, Paris...okay, being a huge whore helps too. But anyway, when you work on a TV show it's all too easy to find yourself in front of the camera at some point. Much to the chagrin of "real" actors all over Hollywood, this has repeatedly happened to me.

It started with my stint as a gay topless man shaving Joel's legs on "The Soup", which led to a part as a gay pantsless man on "The Soup", which led to my role as a gay topless man up for auction on "Mind of Mencia" - notice a theme here? I'm not in fact gay, but you see, that's where my brilliant acting talent comes in. Although it does help that I have a love for chick lit and regularly say the word "McDreamy".

Well, word of these performances have spread. Spread all the way to the good folks at the G4 Network. For those of you who don't know, that is the video game network. It's similar to E! except for when they talk about Super Mario they're not referring to the guy who played A.C. Slater.

Anyway, a writer over at "Attack of the Show" called me and asked if I wouldn't mind "performing" in a sketch he had written. Since I'm unemployed and couldn't find a good excuse (he reminded me that I could always just TiVo "Golden Girls" that day), I agreed to do it.

I went in and had a great time. The sketch was shot with one camera, not in a studio, and there were multiple takes. Also, the other actors were basically my friends from previous jobs. So it was easy to do and we knocked it out fairly quickly. And the place is a nerd's paradise, and not just because there are no girls around to awkwardly try and talk to. It's filled with video game machines. They're everywhere. So I spent most of the day not so much acting, as getting my ass handed to me by Joe Frazier in "Fight Night" on Xbox. It was infinitely better than when I get my ass handed to me by Joe Frazier when I play "Fight Night" at home, unemployed, sad, and alone.

Obviously I knocked it out of the park with that acting role, because word spread to another show on G4 and my phone rang again. They asked if I was available to do another sketch on a show called "X Play". I agreed.

Okay, "X Play" is their flagship show. It's sort of their version of "The Daily Show". Just check out it's lengthy wikipedia listing to prove how much the Star Trek crowd loves it. I had never heard of it or seen it before, but apparently the dorks love it. In fact, it's G4's highest rated show. But that's like saying Zack Hanson is the most popular Hanson brother. Who? Exactly.

So I went in today to do the show. And this was totally different because it was a bit shot on stage with 4 cameras and a teleprompter. So basically there weren't stops and starts for closeups and retakes and such. The people on this show were just used to running through things once or twice and moving on.

Another thing that was different was that I was supposed to be the "star" of the bit. I had the most lines and all the joke lines. This was my coming out party, and I even got to keep my pants on!

Unfortunately, this was the bit that may have forced me into acting retirement. Right when I walked in I knew it was trouble. I was not brought to the nice green room with the X Box and the food, instead I was quickly informed of political strife on the show. Apparently, almost no one wanted to do my sketch. It was hated. I was told that we'd be lucky to make it to taping because it would probably get cut before then. Great. I wish it had.

Instead of acting with my "buddies", I was to act with the 2 hosts of the show. Neither of whom would talk to me or look in my direction. Now I don't want to say their names, but I will because they are both fuckheads (and you thought writing made me bitter) - Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb. Why they felt the need to take out their issues on me, I have no idea. But aside from "acting", they refused to acknowledge my existence.

It became quite clear that these two losers and most of the crew don't look fondly on outsiders. I can't really describe how badly I was treated, but it was the most unprofessional thing I've ever seen. It's weird. It's as if they think they're doing "CSI" or something. You're on G4, douchebags! Get over yourselves. Save the attitude, at least until you move up to a credible network, like Oxygen, or Logo.

We did two takes of the whole thing (after some rehearsals) and the director asked us to do it again. That's when assface Sessler lost it. "We're wasting too much time on this, guys! The script isn't even funny, let's move on." First of all, if you ever watch the show, you'll see that nothing they do is funny. This might actually have been the funniest thing in the history of the show.

Secondly, two takes? That's all you got? What do you have going on the rest of the day? Seriously, these people do 2 minute wrap arounds that lead into tape segments and they're done with the show in an hour or less. It was the craziest thing. Plus, don't you want to act? Isn't this fun for you? You normally just read crappy video game intros off of a prompter, and you're bummed by this? Weird.

As for my performance, I was nervous about getting my lines but I did all right - a teleprompter can help with that sort of thing but I was trying to not look like Horatio Sanz. I never messed up so bad that we had to cut, and I'd say the morons I was doing it with messed up as much as I did. They also kept cutting me off, especially on the joke lines. I think that little bitch Sessler was offended by being called "a little bitch" - hey! don't blame me, it's in the script!

On a side note about Sessler, he sure is a miserable bastard. Perhaps his misery stems from the fact that he has less hair on his head than I have on my balls (sorry, mom). He has literally one strand left, and he puts product on it! It stands straight up from his forehead as if it's convincing us that he's got a full head of hair up there. "Hmmm, I see one hair, he must not be bald." No, you are, ass.

And now a side note about Morgan Webb, who apparently is a Goddess to pimple-faced virgins across the world. She is bitter and rude and wouldn't know comedy if it jumped up and ruptured one of her fake boobs. Listen losers, trust me, this chick isn't for you, please go back to masturbating to Princess Leia.

Sorry for the crassness, guys, I just have never been treated like that before on a show. Ever. And it really made no sense. I didn't write the bit, and I was only doing what I was told. And did I mention this is a daily show on G4?! You'd think Sessler was David Caruso or something. If you were so concerned about quality, you'd work on a real network and have the decency to wear a rug.

Okay, I'm done venting. And I think I'm done acting. Thank God.

A Vaction from my Vacation

Well, I was in San Diego for a few days and now I am back. The fine researchers here at Handleman industries are currently busy at work on my big TV preview, so please stay tuned for that.

Until then, just a quick word about Steve Irwin. Now, as you all may or may not know, I hate animals. Yes, all animals. And I promise, despite what my ex-girlfriend would have you believe, this does not make me a serial killer.

But let me quickly clarify - just because I hate animals doesn't mean that I want to harm them. Quite the opposite. I want animals to be left alone. And I feel that people who say they "love" animals are often selfish bastards who want to have animals around for their own amusement.

I don't want to be around animals, and I dare say that animals don't want to be around me. In fact, if animals had any kind of a brain I am positive I would be their favorite person in the world. "Hey guys, there's the dude that wants nothing to do with us! I love that guy! Thanks for leaving us alone, boss!"

On the other hand, I doubt they would feel that way about Steve Irwin. They would most likely have said "Oh shit, here comes the dude who taunts us all the time with the annoying accent. Crikey yourself, pal."

I don't think what Steve Irwin did for a living was a good idea, but it is of course, extremely sad and horrible that he died. And from what I've heard, how he died was really a freak accident. Which is kind of a confusing thing to understand. It would be like Tara Reid dying from something other than alcohol poisoning. (Speaking of Tara Reid, make your day a little brighter and please, please watch this) On the other hand, I would never die while scuba diving with sting rays. You know why? Cause I don't scuba dive with sting rays.

Anyway, now the question is whether or not they are going to release the tape of him getting killed. And supposedly, Steve Irwin has previously said that if something were to ever happen, he would want it shown. Interesting. Now isn't that what it's all about? It's not about the animals, it's about wanting to see that guy getting his head bitten off.

Which is cool with me, just don't act like I'm the crazy one when I say I hate animals.

Jokes for Labor Day

Tom Sizemore will star in his own reality show on VH1. It will be similar to Danny Bonaduce's show, except for it will be less “Breaking Bonaduce”, and more breaking hooker’s faces.

Incoming "CBS Evening News" Katie Couric appears significantly thinner in a network promotional magazine photo thanks to digital airbrushing. NBC tried a similar thing last year with a photo of Al Roker, but they ran out of airbrush.

Ashlee Simpson has signed on to star as Roxie Hart in the London production of Chicago. In this version of the musical, the character of Roxie will not only be a cold blooded murderer, she’ll also be Ashlee Simpson.

Hollywood beauty Sharon Stone has confirmed reports she has adopted a third son. All three of her children are adopted, so that means her vagina has only been seen by 5 billion people.

Jon Voight mistakenly called his granddaughter Shakira instead of Zahara. In his defense though, that kid is really, really ugly.

Lawyers for the mother of Sean P. Diddy Combs’ son are saying the rap mogul is failing to keep up child support payments. Ever the marketing genius, Combs has used the situation to change his nickname once again, this time to “Dead Beat Diddy”.

Angelina Jolie has upset Russian politicians who claim Jolie failed to follow standard adoption procedures. Upon hearing the news, desperate Russian babies told Russian officials to quote “shutsky the hell upsky”.

Lindsay Lohan’s boyfriend is reportedly about to propose to her. Vera Wang is already making the wedding dress, although she’s unsure what color skank is.