Before we get started, let me reiterate that I believe it’s a two horse race: Sadie the virgin vs. Jen, the girl we have never seen – with “Love Plan” Lisa the wild card. She’s the Moanna of the season, which basically means she’s the “I’m not here to make friends” girl.
The first hometown visit is with Sadie. She’s from San Diego, land of no sex. It will be interesting to see how religious her family is. San Diego is in the south, but it’s not exactly the “south”. Not that if you’re religious you have to be from the south, but if you’re virgin religious you probably are.
It’s so weird, Sadie seems like a different person all of the sudden. She’s relaxed, but very, very bubbly. It’s like she’s entered her house and turned back into a 12 year old girl - which coincidentally is the same age her vagina is stuck at.
Uh, oh, here we go. At dinner, the family holds hands and says grace. And then Sadie says that her family wants her to be with someone who “loves God”. I would never say I loved God and if I met someone who said that they loved God I’d be suspicious. But I do love life, does that count?
Next up is “Love Plan” Lisa. She’s from Portland, Oregon. She seems like she’s from Oregon, except for the part where she might be pure evil.
Lisa’s best friend comes over…and she brings a wedding dress. It seems like the most staged thing in the world, which it is. Lame.
But the better thing is, the best friend talks to the Prince about Lisa’s “love plan”. The Prince pretends it’s awesome, which means he’s totally freaking out. Immediately, the Prince tells us that he’s freaking out. It would be so cool if the Bachelor just changed everything for a moment, and the Prince did what he would actually do in a “real” situation where he heard about a love plan - run from the house screaming.
Lisa says the most stupid girl thing you could ever possibly say, “I think Lorenzo seeing me in the wedding dress made him think ‘maybe I could marry this girl”. No guy in the history of the world has ever thought that, unless you count when Jack saw Jen in a wedding dress on “Days of Our Lives”.
Lisa is still bragging about getting the earrings at the first rose ceremony. Fuck you! Yes, he chose you, but they’re not his earrings to give! It wasn’t his idea!
Lisa’s mom makes the Prince do Pilates. Okay, why are the producers forcing so many staged moments on this date? I know Oregon is inherently boring, but come on. Suddenly, and for no reason, this is turning into some horrific MTV show, like “Date My Mom” or “Next” or something, where everything is cheesily scripted. This is everything I hate about reality shows, and there’s no need for it. Uneventful reality is always a million times better to me than staged “reality”. Why don’t the producers of reality TV understand this? I’m pissed.
Lisa forces a make out session. The Prince is clearly not into it. At all. I think he's still thinking about Sadie. He tells us that he’s worried that she has an agenda. Ya think? Hey Sipowitz, maybe you should’ve figured she had an agenda when she volunteered herself for a reality show to find a husband.
Jen is next. She lives in Miami. Jen is very sweet. Sweet in a way that makes her seem like she’s destined for a life as a Stepford Wife. She really seems like a robot. A Bachelor robot. This is what really interests me about the show. Is there any doubt that no matter who the Bachelor was, Jen would’ve fallen in love with him? Is there any guy that could’ve been picked that she wouldn’t go for? It's a mystery. Kinda like that whole tree falling in the woods thing, except for with marriage hungry fame whores.
Jen’s dad tries to be intimidating. He starts pulling out shotguns. Okay, that’s kind of scary. Even scarier: his shirt. We get it, you’re from Miami. Put it away, Crockett.
And finally, the Italian Girl. She’s from Venice. For some reason I find that cool. People are really from Venice?
They have their first real conversation. When a girl can’t speak English very well, it’s very difficult to figure out which one of you is the idiot.
They go on a gondola ride and awkwardly kiss. The Prince is really attracted to this chick, a lot more than the other girls. Could a new dark horse be emerging?
The Prince meets the non-speaking English folks. He says that “family is really important to him”. People always say that. I wish someone would say “you know what, I’m kinda “eh” on family. It’s a little overrated. Maybe we should all try living alone.”
The editors try to make it look like it’s all awkward cause the Prince can’t speak Italian. I don’t know if this is a realistic representation of what actually happened. Also, the dad seems to be able to say a few things. If it’s true that women end up looking like their mom, Agnese is in deep, deep shit. For a while there, I thought they were having dinner with her dad and her Uncle.
They dance. And not only does the Prince look like my old roommate Steve, he dances like him too. Which means he can’t.
They kiss to end the date. I think the Prince is LOVING this girl. When did this happen? Does he only like girls that he doesn’t have to talk to? This is bizarre. I mean, she’s pretty and all. Maybe the prettiest of the bunch. But she’s not “I don’t even need to talk to you” hot.
It’s really not looking good for Lisa right now.
ROSE CEREMONY
They show Lisa standing at the rose ceremony. She kind of looks like a prettier Rachel Dratch. But that’s like saying a guy looks like Horatio Sanz but cuter. No, that’s mean. She’s cute, but a tiny bit Dratchian.
Sadie gets picked first, Jen gets picked second. The editors are smart, they know that this rose ceremony comes down to the Italian versus Dratch. And the winner is…
Lisa!!! Wow. They really had us going there with the Italian girl. I warned all of you this was going to happen last week. This is the same shit they pulled with Moanna last season. It’s the old, “look at the frontrunner crash and burn” trick, but then he picks her anyway. Nice work making the Italian girl look like a possibility, producers.
And we’re at the point of the show now where after he gets rid of someone, he has to sit down with them and explain exactly why they suck. He tells the Italian that she’s gone because of the language barrier. She cries and hugs him, which actually means fuck off in Italian. And dammit, she is darn cute. I really hope she doesn’t end up looking like her Uncle.
A great teaser line: “Sadie’s virginity gets put to the ultimate test!” Ha! Yeah, like her very first time is going to be televised for a national TV audience. But that would be awesome!!!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Overheard This Weekend at the Vegas Strip Club
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Hey there, cutie, what's your name?
IRWIN
Irwin, what's yours?
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Prada. Where are you going?
IRWIN
I'm with that bachelor party over there, I'm gonna go hang out with my buddies.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
You don't want to do that. How about if I take you back into the naughty room and rub on your penis?
IRWIN
Um, that sounds delightful, but I really should be getting to my buddies.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Did you just use the word delightful?
IRWIN
Yeah, what's wrong with delightful?
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Nothing, I've just never heard anyone say that in here before.
IRWIN
Well...you said penis.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
What's wrong with penis?
IRWIN
I don't know, not that strippery.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
You don't like penis?
IRWIN
Penis is fine, but it's so clinical, you know?
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Not necessarily.
IRWIN
Yeah, it is. Doctors say penis. Comedians say weiner. And when it's dirty talk time I think cock.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Fine. So how about we go back into the naughty room and I rub on your cock?
IRWIN
No, that's okay. I'm kinda over it.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
What?!
IRWIN
Sorry, didn't mean to be a dick.
Hey there, cutie, what's your name?
IRWIN
Irwin, what's yours?
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Prada. Where are you going?
IRWIN
I'm with that bachelor party over there, I'm gonna go hang out with my buddies.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
You don't want to do that. How about if I take you back into the naughty room and rub on your penis?
IRWIN
Um, that sounds delightful, but I really should be getting to my buddies.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Did you just use the word delightful?
IRWIN
Yeah, what's wrong with delightful?
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Nothing, I've just never heard anyone say that in here before.
IRWIN
Well...you said penis.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
What's wrong with penis?
IRWIN
I don't know, not that strippery.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
You don't like penis?
IRWIN
Penis is fine, but it's so clinical, you know?
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Not necessarily.
IRWIN
Yeah, it is. Doctors say penis. Comedians say weiner. And when it's dirty talk time I think cock.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
Fine. So how about we go back into the naughty room and I rub on your cock?
IRWIN
No, that's okay. I'm kinda over it.
BLONDE HOT STRIPPER
What?!
IRWIN
Sorry, didn't mean to be a dick.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Quotes of the Week
One of my favorite rappers is Fabolous. Yes, that's how you spell it. Despite that lame name, he's pretty good. And to prove it, he got his ass shot last week in New York.
He was hanging out at a club after the Hip Hop Honors show on VH1, and someone shot him in the thigh. Luckily for him, and my Ipod, he's okay. But now it turns out that NBA point guard Sebastian Telfair might have had something to do with it. He was at the club with his girlfriend, and members of Fabolous crew, not Fabolous himself, allegedly ripped a necklace off his neck. And now police are investigating to see if Telfair and his crew got revenge by shooting Fabolous.
Just for background info, Telfair was a over-hyped high school basketball player in Brooklyn and went straight to the pros.
Anyway, here's a news story about the incident, with the quote of the week in bold:
Reason number one why this couldn't have happened to me: I don't wear necklaces.
Reason number two why this couldn't have happened to me: I don't have $20,000 dollars
Reason number three why this couldn't have happened to me: If I did have $20,000 dollars, I wouldn't spend it on jewelry for myself.
Reason number four why this couldn't have happened to me: If I did have $20,000 dollars and for some reason did buy myself jewelry, I wouldn't wear it to a club owned by P. Diddy.
But actually, that quote isn't even the best part. The best part is how Telfair and Doc Rivers both go "hey, I'm not a bad guy just cause I want to go out to dinner with my fiance". And then at the end of the story you find out that he was caught with a gun but claimed it wasn't his, it was the fiance's! You're not a bad guy for going out to dinner with your fiance, but you are bad guy because your fiance is packing a Glock 9. Which leads us to:
Reason number five why this couldn't have happened to me: If I did have $20,000 dollars and bought myself jewelry and took that jewelry to a club owned by Diddy, and then that jewelry was swiped from me, I would not be with a girl who packs heat!
He was hanging out at a club after the Hip Hop Honors show on VH1, and someone shot him in the thigh. Luckily for him, and my Ipod, he's okay. But now it turns out that NBA point guard Sebastian Telfair might have had something to do with it. He was at the club with his girlfriend, and members of Fabolous crew, not Fabolous himself, allegedly ripped a necklace off his neck. And now police are investigating to see if Telfair and his crew got revenge by shooting Fabolous.
Just for background info, Telfair was a over-hyped high school basketball player in Brooklyn and went straight to the pros.
Anyway, here's a news story about the incident, with the quote of the week in bold:
21-year-old Boston Celtic Sebastian Telfair had a $50,000 chain ripped off his neck early Tuesday morning outside Justin's, a Manhattan club owned by hip-hop mogul Sean "Diddy" Combs. Twenty minutes later, Jackson, 28, was shot and wounded in the left thigh outside of the club. The New York Daily News reported that surveillance video captured two members of Fabolous' entourage robbing Telfair. The paper's sources claim Telfair saw the men inside the club and made a cell phone call. The security camera reportedly captured the shooter leaving in a grey car.
Telfair left Tuesday night's Celtics game against the Knicks after halftime to view lineups, which contained Fabolous and members of his entourage. The 21-year-old Telfair was unable to identify the suspect.
"I was in an unfortunate situation, if you want to say I'm a bad person because I was out with my fiance, then that's what it is. I know who I am, my teammates and this organization know who I am," Telfair told reporters.
Celtics Coach Doc Rivers said Telfair is getting a bad rap.
"He didn't do anything. His name is in a bad circle. The same thing could happen to you or me," Rivers said. "I don't know how you stay out of this. I mean, he should be able to go to dinner. Sebastian's character will show he's a good guy."
Last February, the Trail Blazers, who traded Telfair this offseason, fined him after a loaded gun was found on the team's private jet at Boston's Logan Airport.
The handgun was found in a pillowcase belonging to Telfair as the team plane was being prepared for a flight from Boston to Toronto. Telfair explained to local authorities that the gun belonged to his girlfriend and that he had inadvertently grabbed the wrong bag when leaving for the team's road trip.
Reason number one why this couldn't have happened to me: I don't wear necklaces.
Reason number two why this couldn't have happened to me: I don't have $20,000 dollars
Reason number three why this couldn't have happened to me: If I did have $20,000 dollars, I wouldn't spend it on jewelry for myself.
Reason number four why this couldn't have happened to me: If I did have $20,000 dollars and for some reason did buy myself jewelry, I wouldn't wear it to a club owned by P. Diddy.
But actually, that quote isn't even the best part. The best part is how Telfair and Doc Rivers both go "hey, I'm not a bad guy just cause I want to go out to dinner with my fiance". And then at the end of the story you find out that he was caught with a gun but claimed it wasn't his, it was the fiance's! You're not a bad guy for going out to dinner with your fiance, but you are bad guy because your fiance is packing a Glock 9. Which leads us to:
Reason number five why this couldn't have happened to me: If I did have $20,000 dollars and bought myself jewelry and took that jewelry to a club owned by Diddy, and then that jewelry was swiped from me, I would not be with a girl who packs heat!
Monday, October 23, 2006
The Bachelor, Episode IV (with way too many virgin jokes)
The show begins with a little test to see who is going to get this week’s one on one date. The girls have to answer two questions, and Erica, the horrific socialite, will for some unknown reason be the judge – but the girls don’t know this. These are the two questions:
“Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?” and “Who is the most insincere girl in the house?”
I hate that princess question. HATE IT. What does that even mean? Who “deserves” to be a princess? Do you have to have two mean stepsisters? I don’t understand this.
First up is Lisa, the cute girl who has the unfortunate “love plan”, which I’ve discussed many times before. Lisa hates on Jen, saying she looks like shit without makeup on, thus somehow making her not princess material. I find fault on this because I always think of Princesses as wearing a lot of makeup at all times. She also adds that Jen is the most insincere. We might have an opinion on this, but Jen has yet to be seen or heard yet this season.
Jen says Lisa is the most insincere, so I guess they have some sort of feud going that we don’t know about. Sadie, the virgin, also hates on Lisa and says she doesn’t deserve to be a princess – maybe Lisa doesn’t look good in makeup either.
Jeanette hates on Lisa too, and then so does Desiree. Apparently, every one of the other girls hates Lisa with the heat of a thousand suns. Jeez, do they know about the love plan or something? Cause that’s the only reason I hate her.
Sadie cements her virgin/sweet/innocent status by crying because she doesn’t like hating on anyone. Aw, that’s sweet, know what else she doesn’t like to do? Touch a penis.
Socialite/mess Erica chooses Sadie for the one on one date. Does anyone not like this girl?
Sadie commits a bachelor sin by thinking that the Prince had something to do with the fabulous date she’s going on. It wasn’t him it was the producers! Maybe you should not sleep with them.
The Prince is a pilot, and flies them to their date. Uh, that would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be like, thanks but no thanks, buddy. I believe you’re a pilot about as much as I believe that you’re a Prince.
The Prince says that Sadie is “an adventuresome person, she likes to take risks, likes to have a good time…” Apparently this risk taking is limited to flying on planes with quasi-Princes, and does not include STD’s.
They go in a hot tub. Sadie tortures the Prince and the rest of American men by wearing a biking and exposing her very nice body. You know what I would do to that? Nothing. I barely can remember to pay the rent, you think I want that responsibility?
The girls learn about the next group date, and discover that Jen - the blonde, dark horse - is going on the other one on one. Lisa is jealous. And she gives the classic Bachelor “I didn’t come here to make friends” line. She’s trying to be the Moanna of this season, but she doesn’t have the boobs for it.
Back with Sadie and the Prince, she tells him that she knows he’s wanted to kiss her all day. Listen virgin, kissing is a means to an end. And with you, there ain’t no happy ending. The scary part is that Sadie is actually my favorite. She’s the cutest and the sweetest, and she cries when asked to talk shit about people. She’s perfect! Well, let’s be honest, she’s not perfect.
The group date – with Lisa, Jeannette, blonde, slutty Desiree , and the Italian girl – is a toga party. Yes, Bachelor producers, we’re in Rome, WE GET IT!
Jen gets her date box while hanging out with the virgin at the house. Sadie gets a little sad and says “I’m not the best share-er with guys”. No shit.
The Prince hangs out with the Italian and seems to really like her. Maybe it has to do with the fact that she’s in a bikini and he doesn’t understand a word she’s saying.
The girls begin to question Lisa’s intentions. Oh man, now she’s trying to be the next Susan from last year. She’s a Susan/Moanna hybrid! She’s a Musanna!
The Prince and Jen go on their date. He takes her to “the only restaurant with a view of Vatican city”. He shows her the view and says “that’s where the Pope lives”. Maybe he should’ve taken Sadie there.
This thing is quickly turning into a two horse race: Sadie vs. Jen. Both have their issues – Saidie has the virgin thing, and according to Lisa, Jen looks like shit without makeup. So the question becomes, can Jen avoid taking off her makeup for as long as Sadie can avoid giving it up?
Desiree runs around the house with her top off and then jumps in a pool – she clearly is just here to have fun and get some TV time and maybe, if she’s lucky, bang the Prince. You have to respect her.
Jen says “standing in front of the Trevi Fountain with Lorenzo was absolutely one of the most romantic, amazing moments of my life”. This girl has obviously never been to an R. Kelly concert.
They makeout in front of a bunch of tourists. Jen is careful not to get her makeup smudged.
And now, a note about Jen. This is the first time we’re really seeing her and hearing from her. She’s attractive, and seems nice. I don’t know if she’s the brightest of bulbs however. She reminds me of a girl I went to high school with who was a cheerleader. She was cute and peppy. I used to always ask her “why are you a cheerleader?” She could never give me an answer. I think it would be easy to get caught up with a girl like this in this situation. I mean, it has to be a relief to be out with someone who will go along with whatever you say in comparison to the Erica types. And then after the show is over, you go home with her and you realize you’re with this cute girl who has absolutely nothing to say. Keep in mind this is just speculation based on her 2 minutes of TV time for the entire season.
Musanna pretends to be nervous at the rose ceremony. She says all the right things to the Prince, like how “it’s a process” and “I don’t mind you going out with the other girls”. She’s like a professional Bachelor player! And then, right now, Desiree is saying the exact same thing! She says that Musanna “knows so much about the show” and the girls have been calling her “the Bachelor guru”. And man, I hate to say it, but Desiree is a God Damn genius!
And then Desiree says the exact wrong things, which include begging the Prince for a rose. Musanna could’ve told you that that was a big mistake.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Musanna is in. Obviously. We didn’t hear about the love plan this episode, but I have to believe it will come up during the hometown visit.
The Italian girl is in! I don’t know who is more shocked, the Italian girl, or America.
So next week the Prince visits their families, and recapping that’s Sadie, Jen, Lisa, and the Italian chick. But it’s all just window dressing, cause it’s Sadie and Jen the rest of the way. But hold the phone…never count out Musanna. The ole’ pro was taking notes, and she surely has some tricks up her sleave…or in her pants.
On the “next week”, I am proven to be a genius!!! Lisa’s sister asks him if he’s heard about “her plan”. Ha! And from the looks of the preview, Lisa totally self destructs. But I recall them doing the exact same thing with Moanna last year, and then she kept getting roses until the end. So I’m not predicting Musanna’s downfall just yet, she is “the Bachelor guru” after all…
“Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?” and “Who is the most insincere girl in the house?”
I hate that princess question. HATE IT. What does that even mean? Who “deserves” to be a princess? Do you have to have two mean stepsisters? I don’t understand this.
First up is Lisa, the cute girl who has the unfortunate “love plan”, which I’ve discussed many times before. Lisa hates on Jen, saying she looks like shit without makeup on, thus somehow making her not princess material. I find fault on this because I always think of Princesses as wearing a lot of makeup at all times. She also adds that Jen is the most insincere. We might have an opinion on this, but Jen has yet to be seen or heard yet this season.
Jen says Lisa is the most insincere, so I guess they have some sort of feud going that we don’t know about. Sadie, the virgin, also hates on Lisa and says she doesn’t deserve to be a princess – maybe Lisa doesn’t look good in makeup either.
Jeanette hates on Lisa too, and then so does Desiree. Apparently, every one of the other girls hates Lisa with the heat of a thousand suns. Jeez, do they know about the love plan or something? Cause that’s the only reason I hate her.
Sadie cements her virgin/sweet/innocent status by crying because she doesn’t like hating on anyone. Aw, that’s sweet, know what else she doesn’t like to do? Touch a penis.
Socialite/mess Erica chooses Sadie for the one on one date. Does anyone not like this girl?
Sadie commits a bachelor sin by thinking that the Prince had something to do with the fabulous date she’s going on. It wasn’t him it was the producers! Maybe you should not sleep with them.
The Prince is a pilot, and flies them to their date. Uh, that would be a deal breaker for me. I’d be like, thanks but no thanks, buddy. I believe you’re a pilot about as much as I believe that you’re a Prince.
The Prince says that Sadie is “an adventuresome person, she likes to take risks, likes to have a good time…” Apparently this risk taking is limited to flying on planes with quasi-Princes, and does not include STD’s.
They go in a hot tub. Sadie tortures the Prince and the rest of American men by wearing a biking and exposing her very nice body. You know what I would do to that? Nothing. I barely can remember to pay the rent, you think I want that responsibility?
The girls learn about the next group date, and discover that Jen - the blonde, dark horse - is going on the other one on one. Lisa is jealous. And she gives the classic Bachelor “I didn’t come here to make friends” line. She’s trying to be the Moanna of this season, but she doesn’t have the boobs for it.
Back with Sadie and the Prince, she tells him that she knows he’s wanted to kiss her all day. Listen virgin, kissing is a means to an end. And with you, there ain’t no happy ending. The scary part is that Sadie is actually my favorite. She’s the cutest and the sweetest, and she cries when asked to talk shit about people. She’s perfect! Well, let’s be honest, she’s not perfect.
The group date – with Lisa, Jeannette, blonde, slutty Desiree , and the Italian girl – is a toga party. Yes, Bachelor producers, we’re in Rome, WE GET IT!
Jen gets her date box while hanging out with the virgin at the house. Sadie gets a little sad and says “I’m not the best share-er with guys”. No shit.
The Prince hangs out with the Italian and seems to really like her. Maybe it has to do with the fact that she’s in a bikini and he doesn’t understand a word she’s saying.
The girls begin to question Lisa’s intentions. Oh man, now she’s trying to be the next Susan from last year. She’s a Susan/Moanna hybrid! She’s a Musanna!
The Prince and Jen go on their date. He takes her to “the only restaurant with a view of Vatican city”. He shows her the view and says “that’s where the Pope lives”. Maybe he should’ve taken Sadie there.
This thing is quickly turning into a two horse race: Sadie vs. Jen. Both have their issues – Saidie has the virgin thing, and according to Lisa, Jen looks like shit without makeup. So the question becomes, can Jen avoid taking off her makeup for as long as Sadie can avoid giving it up?
Desiree runs around the house with her top off and then jumps in a pool – she clearly is just here to have fun and get some TV time and maybe, if she’s lucky, bang the Prince. You have to respect her.
Jen says “standing in front of the Trevi Fountain with Lorenzo was absolutely one of the most romantic, amazing moments of my life”. This girl has obviously never been to an R. Kelly concert.
They makeout in front of a bunch of tourists. Jen is careful not to get her makeup smudged.
And now, a note about Jen. This is the first time we’re really seeing her and hearing from her. She’s attractive, and seems nice. I don’t know if she’s the brightest of bulbs however. She reminds me of a girl I went to high school with who was a cheerleader. She was cute and peppy. I used to always ask her “why are you a cheerleader?” She could never give me an answer. I think it would be easy to get caught up with a girl like this in this situation. I mean, it has to be a relief to be out with someone who will go along with whatever you say in comparison to the Erica types. And then after the show is over, you go home with her and you realize you’re with this cute girl who has absolutely nothing to say. Keep in mind this is just speculation based on her 2 minutes of TV time for the entire season.
Musanna pretends to be nervous at the rose ceremony. She says all the right things to the Prince, like how “it’s a process” and “I don’t mind you going out with the other girls”. She’s like a professional Bachelor player! And then, right now, Desiree is saying the exact same thing! She says that Musanna “knows so much about the show” and the girls have been calling her “the Bachelor guru”. And man, I hate to say it, but Desiree is a God Damn genius!
And then Desiree says the exact wrong things, which include begging the Prince for a rose. Musanna could’ve told you that that was a big mistake.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Musanna is in. Obviously. We didn’t hear about the love plan this episode, but I have to believe it will come up during the hometown visit.
The Italian girl is in! I don’t know who is more shocked, the Italian girl, or America.
So next week the Prince visits their families, and recapping that’s Sadie, Jen, Lisa, and the Italian chick. But it’s all just window dressing, cause it’s Sadie and Jen the rest of the way. But hold the phone…never count out Musanna. The ole’ pro was taking notes, and she surely has some tricks up her sleave…or in her pants.
On the “next week”, I am proven to be a genius!!! Lisa’s sister asks him if he’s heard about “her plan”. Ha! And from the looks of the preview, Lisa totally self destructs. But I recall them doing the exact same thing with Moanna last year, and then she kept getting roses until the end. So I’m not predicting Musanna’s downfall just yet, she is “the Bachelor guru” after all…
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I know I shouldn't be annoyed, but...
I want to preface this story by saying that I know I'm wrong.
So I had a pleasant dinner with Pamie last night. We talked about her latest deal and it was all very cool and Hollywood. After we went our separate ways, I was driving home and listened to a voice mail message from my friend Chris. He was telling me to call him back about something, and then mentioned that he was at Mel's Diner for "The Soup's" 100th episode party. Just as he said those words, I looked up and I was passing by, you guessed it, Mel's diner. It was a sign. I had to crash it.
I quickly pulled over and found a parking spot and went inside. The party had died down a lot, although Dr. 90210 was still there. E! has big celebrities! But many of "The Soup" employees were also hanging out, many of whom I had worked with. We talked and caught up and hung out a bit. It was all very nice.
However, as I was leaving, a weird thing happened...I got a little annoyed.
A quick backstory. I was a writer and producer on the first season of this new incarnation of "The Soup". But I wasn't just a writer and producer on it, I wrote the pilot. Joel Mchale and I sat in a little room 3 years ago and worked on a show, that wasn't called "The Soup" back then, and figured out what it was. We wrote this little show, which was given to the executives, which they picked to be a series, which then became "The Soup". And then I worked on the first season, and moved on after that. I did not leave with any hard feelings. I enjoyed working on the show, enjoyed the people, and I still have a lot of friends over there.
So there I am at this party, with these people who work on it, the show I helped create and become what it is, and it was just a little annoying that I (and a couple other people) weren't invited to celebrate 100 episodes. We wrote 25 of them, motherfuckers!
Now, I know, I don't work there anymore. They don't have to invite me or anyone else. And it is E!, where you can't expect to be paid well or given any respect or anything. I know all of this. And yet I felt a little bad about it, not a lot bad, just a little. And I know I'm wrong. But it's kinda like setting up two people on a date and then not getting invited to their wedding.
And speaking of weddings, I am going to one in Arizona tomorrow. It's an ex-lady friend of mine from college who is getting married. Should be interesting. Anyway, I'll be back next week, hopefully with a good story, but more likely with another Bachelor recap!
So I had a pleasant dinner with Pamie last night. We talked about her latest deal and it was all very cool and Hollywood. After we went our separate ways, I was driving home and listened to a voice mail message from my friend Chris. He was telling me to call him back about something, and then mentioned that he was at Mel's Diner for "The Soup's" 100th episode party. Just as he said those words, I looked up and I was passing by, you guessed it, Mel's diner. It was a sign. I had to crash it.
I quickly pulled over and found a parking spot and went inside. The party had died down a lot, although Dr. 90210 was still there. E! has big celebrities! But many of "The Soup" employees were also hanging out, many of whom I had worked with. We talked and caught up and hung out a bit. It was all very nice.
However, as I was leaving, a weird thing happened...I got a little annoyed.
A quick backstory. I was a writer and producer on the first season of this new incarnation of "The Soup". But I wasn't just a writer and producer on it, I wrote the pilot. Joel Mchale and I sat in a little room 3 years ago and worked on a show, that wasn't called "The Soup" back then, and figured out what it was. We wrote this little show, which was given to the executives, which they picked to be a series, which then became "The Soup". And then I worked on the first season, and moved on after that. I did not leave with any hard feelings. I enjoyed working on the show, enjoyed the people, and I still have a lot of friends over there.
So there I am at this party, with these people who work on it, the show I helped create and become what it is, and it was just a little annoying that I (and a couple other people) weren't invited to celebrate 100 episodes. We wrote 25 of them, motherfuckers!
Now, I know, I don't work there anymore. They don't have to invite me or anyone else. And it is E!, where you can't expect to be paid well or given any respect or anything. I know all of this. And yet I felt a little bad about it, not a lot bad, just a little. And I know I'm wrong. But it's kinda like setting up two people on a date and then not getting invited to their wedding.
And speaking of weddings, I am going to one in Arizona tomorrow. It's an ex-lady friend of mine from college who is getting married. Should be interesting. Anyway, I'll be back next week, hopefully with a good story, but more likely with another Bachelor recap!
Monday, October 16, 2006
The Bachelor, Episode III
Here we go. The episode begins with a bullshit opera lesson, where whoever wins gets a date. This is the kind of thing “The Bachelor” doesn’t need. Just let the girls go on awkward dates and fight with each other and and go in hot tubs and leave it at that. Thankfully, this ends quickly. Jami, the blonde girl who is the blonde slutty girls partner in crime, wins.
She gets dressed up for their date. She looks good…for her. She has to get a rose at this date for her to stay, if he doesn’t give her one, she’s gone. I predict big trouble for her. She just isn’t marriage material for this dude. She is very much “the buddy” and will not be considered more than that. She appears way too much of a down home, normal type of chick for this whole thing. She’s also kinda big. Well, not big, but too big for him.
The Prince makes her sing opera on their date. You know how it’s always uncomfortable when someone sings to another person on a date? Well, it was that times a thousand. But it wasn’t her fault! It was the producers attempt to entertain us and embarrass her. They go 50 percent.
Oh my God! George Michael is on the show! Wait. It’s not George Michael. It’s an Italian opera singer who looks a lot like George Michael. Damn, I thought I was gonna get some “Faith” or “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” or at least a reach around. Nope, just more opera.
Boom. The Prince proves me correct, he says, and I quote, “I don’t know if the physical chemistry is there”. Told you.
Oh! And then he says, it was “like dancing with my best friend”. Ghetto translation: “You big”.
Jami unexpectedly cries. I thought she was cooler than that. Also, you think she would’ve felt that he wasn’t down with her. We’ve learned a valuable lesson: no matter how cool any girl on this show may seem, she still signed up to be on “The Bachelor” and by law is insane.
The Prince takes the rest of the girls on a date to Tuscany. The Prince’s hair is relaxed, and for the first time I realize that he kinda looks like my old roommate Steve. Steve’s been out on a date with 8 girls before too, yeah it was his sister, his niece, his other niece, his other sister, his mom…Just kidding, Steve.
Jeannette, who we literally have not seen yet on the show, gets some alone time with the Prince. She kisses his ass and he loves it. I don’t know if she’s really a contender though, she’s very plain. Normal, less crazy than the others, but plain.
Erica and the Italian girl learn they will be going out with the Prince and one of them will get a rose and one won’t. The Italian girl burns Erica by telling us that Erica is crazy but “not very, very beautiful”. Ha! I guess you don’t have to speak English to see that.
The Prince gets some alone time with the Irwin favorite, Sadie. She’s the cutest of the bunch, and also, the virgin. She spills the beans about her purity, and he reacts in the appropriate way. I don’t know if he’s being serious, because if a girl tells me she’s a virgin or has kids I do the same thing – act like it’s the greatest thing I've ever heard.
The Prince asks Lisa if it would be okay if they kiss. Wow, that’s hot and heavy stuff right there. Next he’s gonna "mother may I" her boob.
The girls and him play truth or dare. The Prince is asked which girls he has kissed, and he plays coy and says he’s kissed all of them – on the check. Lisa interviews that the Prince was trying to protect her from the jealous girls because he didn’t say that she was the one he’s kissed. Hey dumbass, you’re not the only one, get over yourself.
Erica says that the Italian girl is “the least attractive girl in the house”. She says this while wearing three layers of makeup and a tiara.
Erica explains some crazy math where she is somewhere between 7 to 100 notches above the rest of the girls. I’m not sure why. Maybe pig tails count for 50 notches each.
The Prince chooses the Italian girl over crazy Erica. Thank the Lord. Although now the show will be between 7 to 100 notches less entertaining. The Prince practically pushes her ass out the door as she begs for a reprieve. He essentially calls her bipolar. I don’t think bipolar explains the stupid though.
Erica complains that “every guy has judged me because I’m pretty and smart and come from a privileged background”. That’s bullshit. I didn’t judge her for those things, I judged her for her bad personality and her unattractive face and body.
The Prince and the Italian girl make out. I wish that girl would go back and tell Lisa, too bad she can’t speak English.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
He picks…Sadie, the virgin. He doesn’t want her to think he’s anti-virgin...yet.
Lisa, the front runner. Yeah Lisa, you’re still the only one he’s kissed! And he’s saving himself for you!
Jen. Didn’t see much of her this episode, but she is most definitely the dark horse.
Desiree, the slutty blonde. I told you, slutty blondes go far in this cruel world.
He doesn’t pick a brunette I haven’t seen before. Who are these girls? It’s so weird. They have done such a bad job this season of differentiating the girls. And this one is legitimately cute. Oh, it’s Gina. I would’ve liked to have seen more of her. She cries. Honey, you never even talked to him! At least that we saw anyway.
I hope Lisa isn’t watching, because on the preview the Prince is seen making out with EVERYONE. Even Sadie, the virgin! And from the looks of things, she doesn’t kiss like a virgin. Also, they bring Erica back for some reason. Oh, I know the reason. Ratings.
She gets dressed up for their date. She looks good…for her. She has to get a rose at this date for her to stay, if he doesn’t give her one, she’s gone. I predict big trouble for her. She just isn’t marriage material for this dude. She is very much “the buddy” and will not be considered more than that. She appears way too much of a down home, normal type of chick for this whole thing. She’s also kinda big. Well, not big, but too big for him.
The Prince makes her sing opera on their date. You know how it’s always uncomfortable when someone sings to another person on a date? Well, it was that times a thousand. But it wasn’t her fault! It was the producers attempt to entertain us and embarrass her. They go 50 percent.
Oh my God! George Michael is on the show! Wait. It’s not George Michael. It’s an Italian opera singer who looks a lot like George Michael. Damn, I thought I was gonna get some “Faith” or “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go” or at least a reach around. Nope, just more opera.
Boom. The Prince proves me correct, he says, and I quote, “I don’t know if the physical chemistry is there”. Told you.
Oh! And then he says, it was “like dancing with my best friend”. Ghetto translation: “You big”.
Jami unexpectedly cries. I thought she was cooler than that. Also, you think she would’ve felt that he wasn’t down with her. We’ve learned a valuable lesson: no matter how cool any girl on this show may seem, she still signed up to be on “The Bachelor” and by law is insane.
The Prince takes the rest of the girls on a date to Tuscany. The Prince’s hair is relaxed, and for the first time I realize that he kinda looks like my old roommate Steve. Steve’s been out on a date with 8 girls before too, yeah it was his sister, his niece, his other niece, his other sister, his mom…Just kidding, Steve.
Jeannette, who we literally have not seen yet on the show, gets some alone time with the Prince. She kisses his ass and he loves it. I don’t know if she’s really a contender though, she’s very plain. Normal, less crazy than the others, but plain.
Erica and the Italian girl learn they will be going out with the Prince and one of them will get a rose and one won’t. The Italian girl burns Erica by telling us that Erica is crazy but “not very, very beautiful”. Ha! I guess you don’t have to speak English to see that.
The Prince gets some alone time with the Irwin favorite, Sadie. She’s the cutest of the bunch, and also, the virgin. She spills the beans about her purity, and he reacts in the appropriate way. I don’t know if he’s being serious, because if a girl tells me she’s a virgin or has kids I do the same thing – act like it’s the greatest thing I've ever heard.
The Prince asks Lisa if it would be okay if they kiss. Wow, that’s hot and heavy stuff right there. Next he’s gonna "mother may I" her boob.
The girls and him play truth or dare. The Prince is asked which girls he has kissed, and he plays coy and says he’s kissed all of them – on the check. Lisa interviews that the Prince was trying to protect her from the jealous girls because he didn’t say that she was the one he’s kissed. Hey dumbass, you’re not the only one, get over yourself.
Erica says that the Italian girl is “the least attractive girl in the house”. She says this while wearing three layers of makeup and a tiara.
Erica explains some crazy math where she is somewhere between 7 to 100 notches above the rest of the girls. I’m not sure why. Maybe pig tails count for 50 notches each.
The Prince chooses the Italian girl over crazy Erica. Thank the Lord. Although now the show will be between 7 to 100 notches less entertaining. The Prince practically pushes her ass out the door as she begs for a reprieve. He essentially calls her bipolar. I don’t think bipolar explains the stupid though.
Erica complains that “every guy has judged me because I’m pretty and smart and come from a privileged background”. That’s bullshit. I didn’t judge her for those things, I judged her for her bad personality and her unattractive face and body.
The Prince and the Italian girl make out. I wish that girl would go back and tell Lisa, too bad she can’t speak English.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
He picks…Sadie, the virgin. He doesn’t want her to think he’s anti-virgin...yet.
Lisa, the front runner. Yeah Lisa, you’re still the only one he’s kissed! And he’s saving himself for you!
Jen. Didn’t see much of her this episode, but she is most definitely the dark horse.
Desiree, the slutty blonde. I told you, slutty blondes go far in this cruel world.
He doesn’t pick a brunette I haven’t seen before. Who are these girls? It’s so weird. They have done such a bad job this season of differentiating the girls. And this one is legitimately cute. Oh, it’s Gina. I would’ve liked to have seen more of her. She cries. Honey, you never even talked to him! At least that we saw anyway.
I hope Lisa isn’t watching, because on the preview the Prince is seen making out with EVERYONE. Even Sadie, the virgin! And from the looks of things, she doesn’t kiss like a virgin. Also, they bring Erica back for some reason. Oh, I know the reason. Ratings.
"The Departed"
I saw "The Departed" this weekend, I loved it. It was the kind of movie that makes you wonder how they make bad movies. Why can't it be this simple? Take a hooky idea, get a solid screenwriter to write it, hire a talented director with a great track record, cast the coolest actors you can find, boom! Hit movie. Why does it need to be more difficult than that?
Well, it is for some reason. But luckily, this movie somehow made it through. Yes, it's long, which is a cardinal sin at this point, however it was the rare movie where you don't care about the length. But let's keep it a secret so we don't encourage longness in other movies. Seriously, stop it!
Anyway, it was just plain good. The cast was amazing. Jack is Jack. And I always forget how good Matt Damon is at playing a bad guy. He can be a real dick in a way where it's not fun, you just really hate him. But the scene stealer of the movie is my boy Alec Baldwin. I've had a heterosexual man love of him ever since "Malice" and the "I am God" speech. And who could forget his performance as the infamous Pete Schwetty in the Saturday Night Live NPR sketch? Fucking love him.
The movie was terrific but it wasn't without it's flaws. I feel weird about criticizing it because there are so few good movies out, but there was a couple of things that bugged me.
The first thing is that upon further review, the story doesn't make that much sense. It seems like there are some movies and TV shows that go to great pains to be accurate to whatever "world" they're story is set in. This isn't one of those movies.
I'm referring to the "Leo as undercover agent" plot. Of course the only knowledge I have of this comes from other movies and TV shows, but bare with me for a second.
Think about Donnie Brasco, which is based on a true story. Donnie Brasco got close to Al Pacino's character for two reasons: 1) to infiltrate the mob and get a bunch of high level mobsters arrested and 2) because this low level mobster was the only one he could get close to. If he had gotten in with the head guy, the movie would've been over in two seconds.
That is essentially what happens in "The Departed". Leo gets in with the head guy, Jack. Jack talks to Leo about crimes and Leo witness crimes being committed, that should be it. What else do you want? The reason Donnie Brasco had to be undercover so long was because he befriended a low level guy, a guy the cops didn't care about arresting. He was trying to gather information about the top level guys to eventually bring them down. Leo gets that information right away, and yet they doing nothing with it. But I think this movie wasn't trying to concern itself with those kind of accuracies, which is okay I guess, but just kinda bothered me.
The second problem I had goes by one name: Leo. I think we need to rethink this guy being a good actor. We've been giving him a free pass just because he plays a darn good retard ("What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"). But other than that performance, is he good?
I honestly thought he was pretty bad in this film. Not so bad that he ruined it or anything, he wasn't Mischa bad or anything. But there were multiple scenes where I was thinking to myself "why is Leo yelling?" It was like he felt he had to amp it up cause he was with Jack or something, but it made a couple moments totally unbelievable. I'm especially referring to the scene after Leo has followed the envelope, then comes back to Jack, and tries to explain why he's not the rat. I really do think he's declined as an actor, or maybe he can't play non-retards, or adults, or maybe he just spent too much time as president of the pussy posse.
However, it doesn't matter. The movie rocks. It's the type of movie that we all like to think we'd make if we were in charge. You know, your flunkies hand you a cool script and you just go, "uh...Leo, Matt Damon, Jack, and throw in some more "fucks" and gunshots to the face. Wait, this thing's set in Boston? All right, let's get Marky Mark and his third nipple in there. And give him some weird hair so he's not too handsome". Why can't it be that simple?
Well, it is for some reason. But luckily, this movie somehow made it through. Yes, it's long, which is a cardinal sin at this point, however it was the rare movie where you don't care about the length. But let's keep it a secret so we don't encourage longness in other movies. Seriously, stop it!
Anyway, it was just plain good. The cast was amazing. Jack is Jack. And I always forget how good Matt Damon is at playing a bad guy. He can be a real dick in a way where it's not fun, you just really hate him. But the scene stealer of the movie is my boy Alec Baldwin. I've had a heterosexual man love of him ever since "Malice" and the "I am God" speech. And who could forget his performance as the infamous Pete Schwetty in the Saturday Night Live NPR sketch? Fucking love him.
The movie was terrific but it wasn't without it's flaws. I feel weird about criticizing it because there are so few good movies out, but there was a couple of things that bugged me.
The first thing is that upon further review, the story doesn't make that much sense. It seems like there are some movies and TV shows that go to great pains to be accurate to whatever "world" they're story is set in. This isn't one of those movies.
I'm referring to the "Leo as undercover agent" plot. Of course the only knowledge I have of this comes from other movies and TV shows, but bare with me for a second.
Think about Donnie Brasco, which is based on a true story. Donnie Brasco got close to Al Pacino's character for two reasons: 1) to infiltrate the mob and get a bunch of high level mobsters arrested and 2) because this low level mobster was the only one he could get close to. If he had gotten in with the head guy, the movie would've been over in two seconds.
That is essentially what happens in "The Departed". Leo gets in with the head guy, Jack. Jack talks to Leo about crimes and Leo witness crimes being committed, that should be it. What else do you want? The reason Donnie Brasco had to be undercover so long was because he befriended a low level guy, a guy the cops didn't care about arresting. He was trying to gather information about the top level guys to eventually bring them down. Leo gets that information right away, and yet they doing nothing with it. But I think this movie wasn't trying to concern itself with those kind of accuracies, which is okay I guess, but just kinda bothered me.
The second problem I had goes by one name: Leo. I think we need to rethink this guy being a good actor. We've been giving him a free pass just because he plays a darn good retard ("What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"). But other than that performance, is he good?
I honestly thought he was pretty bad in this film. Not so bad that he ruined it or anything, he wasn't Mischa bad or anything. But there were multiple scenes where I was thinking to myself "why is Leo yelling?" It was like he felt he had to amp it up cause he was with Jack or something, but it made a couple moments totally unbelievable. I'm especially referring to the scene after Leo has followed the envelope, then comes back to Jack, and tries to explain why he's not the rat. I really do think he's declined as an actor, or maybe he can't play non-retards, or adults, or maybe he just spent too much time as president of the pussy posse.
However, it doesn't matter. The movie rocks. It's the type of movie that we all like to think we'd make if we were in charge. You know, your flunkies hand you a cool script and you just go, "uh...Leo, Matt Damon, Jack, and throw in some more "fucks" and gunshots to the face. Wait, this thing's set in Boston? All right, let's get Marky Mark and his third nipple in there. And give him some weird hair so he's not too handsome". Why can't it be that simple?
Friday, October 13, 2006
TV Notes
Well, things are sorting to shake out in TV land. Here's what's going on:
-"Heroes" was picked up for a full order.
-Monday's "Studio 60" was absolutely horrible. I have no idea what Sorkin was thinking with this episode, it was just garbage. If I wasn't such a fan of Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford and Amanda Peet, I'd be done after that fiasco. But I'm going to stick with it, especially because having worked on a couple shows at their inception, I know that shows need time to find their rhythm and usually get better - "Joey" not included. HOWEVER, for some unknown reason, the ratings for "Studio 60" spiked up on Monday. Okay, this pisses me off - who is to say that the ratings for "Smith" wouldn't have done the same? You have to give these things time! I'm still bitter.
-Are you guys watching "Friday Night Lights"? This is the most depressing show on television. While I watch it, I'm not sure if I like it or if I want to kill myself. It's so fricking somber. And it's not just the paralyzed kid. It's the music, the coach, the fullback, everybody seems so unhappy. Well, except for wild and crazy loud talking black guy, of course. But still, there is something about the show. I have to give it props for being unlike anything else on TV. Let's compare it to the OC for a second. They're both shows about high school. They both have teenage characters and adult characters. And yet they could not be farther apart. I think "Friday Night Lights" could use a little more of the "fun" that the "OC" has, and and "the OC" could use a little more of the slow drama/realism "Friday" has, and of course a lot less Mischa. Yey!
-So how about "30 Rock"? To be honest, I was a little disappointed in the pilot. It had some funny lines, but was very uneven. Also, there was a strange "soulless" to it all. It seemed like Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan had some kind of "hey, we're doing a sitcom!" vibe to them. It just felt like fucking around, whereas "The Office" feels a tiny bit sincere. But again, I think it will get better. We'll see. On a side note, I love Alec Baldwin. Love, LOVE, Alec Baldwin. He's been my boy ever since the "I am God" speech in "Malice". And I'm glad he's on TV, but seeing him on this show felt too small for him. He's a rock star, why is he second fiddle in this?
-One last thing, did anyone see the commercial for that new Taye Diggs show? It has the same premise as "Groundhog Day". I saw the ad and the first that came to my mind was "Fuck, another show? Can't do it." Seriously, is this some kind of record for new dramas? Enough already. I got an idea, how about trying to make one funny sitcom?
-"Heroes" was picked up for a full order.
-Monday's "Studio 60" was absolutely horrible. I have no idea what Sorkin was thinking with this episode, it was just garbage. If I wasn't such a fan of Matthew Perry and Bradley Whitford and Amanda Peet, I'd be done after that fiasco. But I'm going to stick with it, especially because having worked on a couple shows at their inception, I know that shows need time to find their rhythm and usually get better - "Joey" not included. HOWEVER, for some unknown reason, the ratings for "Studio 60" spiked up on Monday. Okay, this pisses me off - who is to say that the ratings for "Smith" wouldn't have done the same? You have to give these things time! I'm still bitter.
-Are you guys watching "Friday Night Lights"? This is the most depressing show on television. While I watch it, I'm not sure if I like it or if I want to kill myself. It's so fricking somber. And it's not just the paralyzed kid. It's the music, the coach, the fullback, everybody seems so unhappy. Well, except for wild and crazy loud talking black guy, of course. But still, there is something about the show. I have to give it props for being unlike anything else on TV. Let's compare it to the OC for a second. They're both shows about high school. They both have teenage characters and adult characters. And yet they could not be farther apart. I think "Friday Night Lights" could use a little more of the "fun" that the "OC" has, and and "the OC" could use a little more of the slow drama/realism "Friday" has, and of course a lot less Mischa. Yey!
-So how about "30 Rock"? To be honest, I was a little disappointed in the pilot. It had some funny lines, but was very uneven. Also, there was a strange "soulless" to it all. It seemed like Tina Fey and Tracy Morgan had some kind of "hey, we're doing a sitcom!" vibe to them. It just felt like fucking around, whereas "The Office" feels a tiny bit sincere. But again, I think it will get better. We'll see. On a side note, I love Alec Baldwin. Love, LOVE, Alec Baldwin. He's been my boy ever since the "I am God" speech in "Malice". And I'm glad he's on TV, but seeing him on this show felt too small for him. He's a rock star, why is he second fiddle in this?
-One last thing, did anyone see the commercial for that new Taye Diggs show? It has the same premise as "Groundhog Day". I saw the ad and the first that came to my mind was "Fuck, another show? Can't do it." Seriously, is this some kind of record for new dramas? Enough already. I got an idea, how about trying to make one funny sitcom?
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
From the Mailbag
Here is a recent letter from one of my readers:
Dear Irwin,
Can you please discuss the recent adoption of an African baby by Madonna on your blog? I am disturbed. Seriously, do stars just have a Chinese Menu of babies to pick from? Did you read how they had already selected 12 orphans prior to her arrival for her to choose from?!
"Pick the best 12 and I will be there around 3pm to take one home with me."
Seriously, WTF. I am disturbed. Shouldn't I be? Is this an outrage or has one poor orphan child stepped in a magic pile of sh*t?
Thank you,
Ms. Yum
First of all, Ms. Yum, thank you for your readership and for your letter. But before I respond, let me show a quote from a news story about the adoption:
Indeed, picking out twelve of the "best" kids is very, very creepy. Who's in charge of that, Mark Foley? And what constitutes the "best"? "Hello, Madonna, here's little Mumbuku, he knows all the words to "Like a Virgin". This is Kassim, he thinks your English accent is totally authentic. And this is Leroy, his favorite movie is "Desperately Seeking Susan"."
But I don't understand why "violating the law isn't in the best interest of the child". Um, the kid lives in a country where they don't catch colds, they catch AIDS. Not in the best interest of the child? Are you insane? If that kid was a couple of years older, he would shoot the other 11 kids in the face just to give him a better chance of out with Madonna. I think we all would, and we live in a country with plumbing.
Can't we all stop hating for a second and let the African kid grow up in a mansion? Why is this bad? Cause you're taking him from his homeland? Well guess what? His homeland isn't too good at growing FOOD. The kid's mom died and his dad is putting him up for adoption and he lives in an orphanage. In Africa. I think we can let the law slide on this one.
And in defense of Madonna, haven't we all had a hankering for an African kid at some point in our lives? I mean what better way to demonstrate my street cred than to be rollin' with a little brotha man. How cool would that be?
But seriously, she wants to help out and adopt a kid, maybe it's selfish, or maybe it's a normal response to seeing a bunch of kids in a horrible situation, but she wants to do it, and how do you go about doing that exactly? You take out your African kids menu, pick out the cutest one, and maybe give him some food and a mohawk.
True, it sounds a little fucked up. But what is she supposed to do, adopt the entire village? That's impossible, although a great premise for a sitcom. It's inevitable that some other kids are gonna be left out and it's sad. But it sure is a "holiday" for that one kid.
I've actually had this movie idea for a long time that I've never written, where a celebrity couple comes to a small village and they have to choose between 2 kids, they pick one and then we follow both of their lives growing up - one who lives the rich life in Beverly Hills with the celebrities and one who grows up poor in Africa - and then when they're adults the one in Africa hunts down the Beverly Hills one and kills him and takes over his life - okay, granted I haven't worked out all the details but that was the basic idea.
Anyway, I don't get what the big deal is. Celebrities can be doing worse things with their time and money, like propping up fake religions. If there was a less creepy way to do it, they probably would. So for now, they have to choose among the "best" 12. And let's face it, that kid's gonna be photographed a lot, so he needs to at least be attractive.
So basically, in answer to your question, the orphan has stepped into a magic pile of shit.
Dear Irwin,
Can you please discuss the recent adoption of an African baby by Madonna on your blog? I am disturbed. Seriously, do stars just have a Chinese Menu of babies to pick from? Did you read how they had already selected 12 orphans prior to her arrival for her to choose from?!
"Pick the best 12 and I will be there around 3pm to take one home with me."
Seriously, WTF. I am disturbed. Shouldn't I be? Is this an outrage or has one poor orphan child stepped in a magic pile of sh*t?
Thank you,
Ms. Yum
First of all, Ms. Yum, thank you for your readership and for your letter. But before I respond, let me show a quote from a news story about the adoption:
"Eye of the Child, a private Malawian child advocacy group, issued an open letter to Madonna on Tuesday questioning whether foreign adoptions were in the best interests of children.
Maxwell Matewere, executive director of the group, told Reuters on Wednesday that the group was concerned that Malawi law, which prevents adoptions by foreigners, was being broken in Madonna's case.
"We are a little bit worried that our laws are being violated with this adoption," Matewere said. "I don't think violating the law is in the best interests of the child."
Indeed, picking out twelve of the "best" kids is very, very creepy. Who's in charge of that, Mark Foley? And what constitutes the "best"? "Hello, Madonna, here's little Mumbuku, he knows all the words to "Like a Virgin". This is Kassim, he thinks your English accent is totally authentic. And this is Leroy, his favorite movie is "Desperately Seeking Susan"."
But I don't understand why "violating the law isn't in the best interest of the child". Um, the kid lives in a country where they don't catch colds, they catch AIDS. Not in the best interest of the child? Are you insane? If that kid was a couple of years older, he would shoot the other 11 kids in the face just to give him a better chance of out with Madonna. I think we all would, and we live in a country with plumbing.
Can't we all stop hating for a second and let the African kid grow up in a mansion? Why is this bad? Cause you're taking him from his homeland? Well guess what? His homeland isn't too good at growing FOOD. The kid's mom died and his dad is putting him up for adoption and he lives in an orphanage. In Africa. I think we can let the law slide on this one.
And in defense of Madonna, haven't we all had a hankering for an African kid at some point in our lives? I mean what better way to demonstrate my street cred than to be rollin' with a little brotha man. How cool would that be?
But seriously, she wants to help out and adopt a kid, maybe it's selfish, or maybe it's a normal response to seeing a bunch of kids in a horrible situation, but she wants to do it, and how do you go about doing that exactly? You take out your African kids menu, pick out the cutest one, and maybe give him some food and a mohawk.
True, it sounds a little fucked up. But what is she supposed to do, adopt the entire village? That's impossible, although a great premise for a sitcom. It's inevitable that some other kids are gonna be left out and it's sad. But it sure is a "holiday" for that one kid.
I've actually had this movie idea for a long time that I've never written, where a celebrity couple comes to a small village and they have to choose between 2 kids, they pick one and then we follow both of their lives growing up - one who lives the rich life in Beverly Hills with the celebrities and one who grows up poor in Africa - and then when they're adults the one in Africa hunts down the Beverly Hills one and kills him and takes over his life - okay, granted I haven't worked out all the details but that was the basic idea.
Anyway, I don't get what the big deal is. Celebrities can be doing worse things with their time and money, like propping up fake religions. If there was a less creepy way to do it, they probably would. So for now, they have to choose among the "best" 12. And let's face it, that kid's gonna be photographed a lot, so he needs to at least be attractive.
So basically, in answer to your question, the orphan has stepped into a magic pile of shit.
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Bachelor, Episode 2 Recap
Oh boy, episode 2. Individual and group dates begin.
The poor Italian broad has no idea what’s going on. Actually, she does know, cause she just said that the rest of the girls are crazy. She may not speak English, but she does speak the international language of insane bitches.
The most startling thing about the episode right off is that we get to see the girls in the sunlight. And let me tell you, it is not kind to many of them. Especially Erica, the socialite. Say what you will about Paris, but she’s never been caught without the make up, and judging from Erica, that is a very smart move.
Erica’s hating on the other girls because some didn’t go to college. She was upset earlier because there wasn’t a maid in the house. She says that the Prince must not want a real princess because she’s a real princess and the other girls aren’t. She also hates Jews.
The Prince gets some alone time with the Irwin favorite – Sadie. Unfortunately, we know from previews that Sadie is a virgin. Damn. That would be a deal breaker for me, and it’s not because I love whores. It actually comes from personal experience. I’ve gone out with a virgin before. And I’m not talking about when I was 18, I’m talking 25 and she was 26. It was HORRIBLE. I’m not gonna go into the the gruesome details here, mainly because I’d rather my mom not fling herself off of a tall building.
But listen virgins, it’s not that you’re hated on because you’re not gonna have sex until you get married and guys just want to have sex, it’s that sex is kind of an important thing to know about the person you’re going to be with for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And since you don’t know about sex, let me tell you, it can go badly. Would you buy a car without taking it out on a test drive? No. So why would you sign up with a dude for the rest of your life when you have no idea if the stick shift is to your liking? Sorry.
Lisa is the first to have a solo date. Now remember, she was the first to come out of the limo, which means the producers probably think she has the goods to go the distance. She’s also cute in a very nice girl way, similar to the girl who “won” last year but cuter. I guess she moves into the Irwin’s favorite slot since Sadie took herself out of the running by not liking wiener.
Oh no! Lisa just mentioned her “love plan”. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and ignoring that whole thing, but apparently she’s really serious about it. Last episode she said she knew for a fact that she would be married at 28, but wanted a year long engagement, so she had to meet her man in the next 10 months. Damn you, Lisa and your stupid “love plan”! My favorites are dropping like flies, I might just have to go with that 22 year old slutty blonde chick. And why not? When hasn’t a 22 year old slutty blonde chick gotten whatever she wants?
The virgin outs herself to the other girls. They react respectfully by screaming in shock and horror. Nice. Easy, ho’s, not everyone’s giving it up to every Prince they meet on a reality show.
The Prince digs Lisa and gives her the rose. Wait ‘till he hears the love plan…
The second group date goes down. They play TACKLE football on the beach. It’s nuts. But I would not be surprised if some of these girls played football in high school, and from the look of some of them, they played on the offensive line.
The slutty blonde girl gets some alone time with the Prince. Her words should guarantee her not getting a rose, but her slutty blondeness hypnotizes him and he’s eating her shit up.
A dark horse emerges: Jennifer. She’s skinny and blonde and 24 years old, everything a growing Prince needs. And she seems like a normal, non-insane girl. No word yet on if she has a “love plan” or a hymen.
One girl gets too drunk and passes out. Wow, I’m shocked. Drunk girls to the Bachelor are what pedophiles are to Dateline at this point.
The Italian girl sees that the Prince is not loving her English abilities, and straight up grabs his head and shows him her French abilities. It’s awkward and horrible and awesome.
Erica, the socialite, says that the Prince is “royality, and definitely not a commoner, and he needs me”. I didn’t know royalty needed Chlamydia.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Jeannette is in. We didn’t see much of her, but we did hear her annoying Illinois accent.
Slutty blonde girl is in, of course she is.
Jamie is in. She’s like slutty blonde girl’s partner in crime. She is merely a space filler, he does not like her.
Gina is in. I honestly do not know who this person is, I haven’t seen her all night.
The Italian girl is in. Good tongue work, lady.
Holy shit! He picked Eica, the socialite. What the fuck is happening?! This makes no sense. He must be a boob man. And a deaf man. And a Chlamydia man.
The black girl is out. Shocker! So is the drunk girl. She can’t believe it. I can’t believe that she can’t believe. She cries after the rose ceremony, and I can’t help but feel that my friend Susan is responsible for every tear.
On the “Next week on the Bachelor”, the greatest Chris Harrison voice over happens: “And…one of the girls loses her mind!” And on screen we see Erica. Wait, this implies that she hasn’t already lost it. But who cares, I’m watching…
The poor Italian broad has no idea what’s going on. Actually, she does know, cause she just said that the rest of the girls are crazy. She may not speak English, but she does speak the international language of insane bitches.
The most startling thing about the episode right off is that we get to see the girls in the sunlight. And let me tell you, it is not kind to many of them. Especially Erica, the socialite. Say what you will about Paris, but she’s never been caught without the make up, and judging from Erica, that is a very smart move.
Erica’s hating on the other girls because some didn’t go to college. She was upset earlier because there wasn’t a maid in the house. She says that the Prince must not want a real princess because she’s a real princess and the other girls aren’t. She also hates Jews.
The Prince gets some alone time with the Irwin favorite – Sadie. Unfortunately, we know from previews that Sadie is a virgin. Damn. That would be a deal breaker for me, and it’s not because I love whores. It actually comes from personal experience. I’ve gone out with a virgin before. And I’m not talking about when I was 18, I’m talking 25 and she was 26. It was HORRIBLE. I’m not gonna go into the the gruesome details here, mainly because I’d rather my mom not fling herself off of a tall building.
But listen virgins, it’s not that you’re hated on because you’re not gonna have sex until you get married and guys just want to have sex, it’s that sex is kind of an important thing to know about the person you’re going to be with for THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And since you don’t know about sex, let me tell you, it can go badly. Would you buy a car without taking it out on a test drive? No. So why would you sign up with a dude for the rest of your life when you have no idea if the stick shift is to your liking? Sorry.
Lisa is the first to have a solo date. Now remember, she was the first to come out of the limo, which means the producers probably think she has the goods to go the distance. She’s also cute in a very nice girl way, similar to the girl who “won” last year but cuter. I guess she moves into the Irwin’s favorite slot since Sadie took herself out of the running by not liking wiener.
Oh no! Lisa just mentioned her “love plan”. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and ignoring that whole thing, but apparently she’s really serious about it. Last episode she said she knew for a fact that she would be married at 28, but wanted a year long engagement, so she had to meet her man in the next 10 months. Damn you, Lisa and your stupid “love plan”! My favorites are dropping like flies, I might just have to go with that 22 year old slutty blonde chick. And why not? When hasn’t a 22 year old slutty blonde chick gotten whatever she wants?
The virgin outs herself to the other girls. They react respectfully by screaming in shock and horror. Nice. Easy, ho’s, not everyone’s giving it up to every Prince they meet on a reality show.
The Prince digs Lisa and gives her the rose. Wait ‘till he hears the love plan…
The second group date goes down. They play TACKLE football on the beach. It’s nuts. But I would not be surprised if some of these girls played football in high school, and from the look of some of them, they played on the offensive line.
The slutty blonde girl gets some alone time with the Prince. Her words should guarantee her not getting a rose, but her slutty blondeness hypnotizes him and he’s eating her shit up.
A dark horse emerges: Jennifer. She’s skinny and blonde and 24 years old, everything a growing Prince needs. And she seems like a normal, non-insane girl. No word yet on if she has a “love plan” or a hymen.
One girl gets too drunk and passes out. Wow, I’m shocked. Drunk girls to the Bachelor are what pedophiles are to Dateline at this point.
The Italian girl sees that the Prince is not loving her English abilities, and straight up grabs his head and shows him her French abilities. It’s awkward and horrible and awesome.
Erica, the socialite, says that the Prince is “royality, and definitely not a commoner, and he needs me”. I didn’t know royalty needed Chlamydia.
THE ROSE CEREMONY
Jeannette is in. We didn’t see much of her, but we did hear her annoying Illinois accent.
Slutty blonde girl is in, of course she is.
Jamie is in. She’s like slutty blonde girl’s partner in crime. She is merely a space filler, he does not like her.
Gina is in. I honestly do not know who this person is, I haven’t seen her all night.
The Italian girl is in. Good tongue work, lady.
Holy shit! He picked Eica, the socialite. What the fuck is happening?! This makes no sense. He must be a boob man. And a deaf man. And a Chlamydia man.
The black girl is out. Shocker! So is the drunk girl. She can’t believe it. I can’t believe that she can’t believe. She cries after the rose ceremony, and I can’t help but feel that my friend Susan is responsible for every tear.
On the “Next week on the Bachelor”, the greatest Chris Harrison voice over happens: “And…one of the girls loses her mind!” And on screen we see Erica. Wait, this implies that she hasn’t already lost it. But who cares, I’m watching…
Friday, October 06, 2006
And the first show cancelled is...NO!
When did I completely lose touch?
I guess it depends, which came first: CSI or American Idol? Well, I can't count CSI because I do acknowledge that it's a well written, well acted show, I just don't care for the format. So that leaves us with American Idol. I remember watching part of the first season in shock as they ran cheesy Coke commercials DURING the show. It was like the 1950's again, I expected Uncle Milty to be one of the judges. I couldn't stand it, but now it's the biggest thing in the world. So yeah, that had to be the moment.
I used to be so in tune with the people, but now I don't understand them. "Smith" is the first series cancelled this year? The first?! I honestly thought it was the best pilot of this new TV season. I thought the second episode held up, and the third was a tad weak. But two out of three ain't bad, right? Wrong.
Well, the fact is that it doesn't really matter, cause it wasn't even like the ratings were great the first episode and then went down. They started low and stayed there. And why, you ask? Because it was up against Law and Order: SVU. Law and Order! There are ten other Law and Orders people can watch during the week, couldn't they have taken Tuesday off and watched "Smith". Apparently, not. America seems to love shit that's wrapped up in a nice little bow at the end of every episode with the good guys putting the bad guys in jail and all being right with the world. I guess they were put off by a bunch of criminals stealing from people and dying in botched robberies. Un-cynical bastards.
Uh, I'm so pissed. I guess I should be thankful that it wasn't right before a major heist or cool romantic get together. But dammit, I still want to know what was going to happen with that fat Samoan dude and Simon Baker! Can John Wells just tell me that so I can sleep at night, please?
I seriously haven't been this upset over a cancellation since maybe "Class of '96" or "Malibu Shores". And "Smith" is way better than both of those, except it didn't feature the great Kari Wuhrer.
But the central dilemma here is that I'm frequently finding myself outside the national consensus of what's good. And it sucks, because they win everytime. And then I'm stuck with the stuff they like and I hate. Just look at this list:
"American Idol", Ludacris, "CSI", Mischa, Superhero movies, "Dancing with the Stars", "Sexyback", horror movies starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, movies starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Timbaland, myspace, spoilers, Video Ipods, Dane Cook, Gnarls Barkley, "Lord of the Rings", Brittany Murphy...the list goes on and on.
I think we all know what this means. It's something I really don't want to admit, but faced with this indisputable evidence I have to. It means...
I'm officially old.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I guess it depends, which came first: CSI or American Idol? Well, I can't count CSI because I do acknowledge that it's a well written, well acted show, I just don't care for the format. So that leaves us with American Idol. I remember watching part of the first season in shock as they ran cheesy Coke commercials DURING the show. It was like the 1950's again, I expected Uncle Milty to be one of the judges. I couldn't stand it, but now it's the biggest thing in the world. So yeah, that had to be the moment.
I used to be so in tune with the people, but now I don't understand them. "Smith" is the first series cancelled this year? The first?! I honestly thought it was the best pilot of this new TV season. I thought the second episode held up, and the third was a tad weak. But two out of three ain't bad, right? Wrong.
Well, the fact is that it doesn't really matter, cause it wasn't even like the ratings were great the first episode and then went down. They started low and stayed there. And why, you ask? Because it was up against Law and Order: SVU. Law and Order! There are ten other Law and Orders people can watch during the week, couldn't they have taken Tuesday off and watched "Smith". Apparently, not. America seems to love shit that's wrapped up in a nice little bow at the end of every episode with the good guys putting the bad guys in jail and all being right with the world. I guess they were put off by a bunch of criminals stealing from people and dying in botched robberies. Un-cynical bastards.
Uh, I'm so pissed. I guess I should be thankful that it wasn't right before a major heist or cool romantic get together. But dammit, I still want to know what was going to happen with that fat Samoan dude and Simon Baker! Can John Wells just tell me that so I can sleep at night, please?
I seriously haven't been this upset over a cancellation since maybe "Class of '96" or "Malibu Shores". And "Smith" is way better than both of those, except it didn't feature the great Kari Wuhrer.
But the central dilemma here is that I'm frequently finding myself outside the national consensus of what's good. And it sucks, because they win everytime. And then I'm stuck with the stuff they like and I hate. Just look at this list:
"American Idol", Ludacris, "CSI", Mischa, Superhero movies, "Dancing with the Stars", "Sexyback", horror movies starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, movies starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Timbaland, myspace, spoilers, Video Ipods, Dane Cook, Gnarls Barkley, "Lord of the Rings", Brittany Murphy...the list goes on and on.
I think we all know what this means. It's something I really don't want to admit, but faced with this indisputable evidence I have to. It means...
I'm officially old.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
The Foley Scandal
I don't talk that much about politics here, but this Mark Foley scandal is pretty crazy. For those who don't know, he's the congressman who was hitting on 15 and 16 year old boy congressional pages. He even interuppted votes in Congress to have online sex with one of these kids. He's quit and entered rehab - apparently getting drunk turns you into a pedophile, it only turns me into chubby chaser. And now it turns out that maybe the Republicans knew about it and covered it up just they could keep his seat Republican. We don't know this yet for sure, but there is going to be an investigation.
The right wing clowns like Sean Hannity are trying to spin that shadowy left wing figures had this story and didn't bring it up until right before the election. Yeah, and...? Who cares? It did happen, right? But my favorite excuse that they are giving is that the Republican powers that be never saw the incriminating instant messages, but only saw the "harmless, G-rated" email Foley had sent to that kid. Okay, that email was sent by Foley from his personal email address, and in it he writes to a 15 year old boy about another boy's body, and how he's "well built", and requests a photo. That's harmless? The dudes on Dateline: To Catch a Predator are way more harmless. Who knew the Republicans had such a high threshold for child porn? I guess it doesn't cross the line until someone's getting lubed up.
Anyway, my friend Cheryl emailed me this news story, which is dated September 12, 1998, check out the motherfucking hypocrisy:
Congress sees through party-colored glasses
By BILL ADAIR
© St. Petersburg Times, published September 12, 1998
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WASHINGTON -- For more than a week, members of Congress said they would avoid partisan politics when they got Kenneth Starr's report on President Clinton. But when they finally saw it Friday, they split along party lines.
Republicans were aghast at Clinton's behavior, with many saying it showed he had lied and abused his power.
"It's vile," said Rep. Mark Foley, R-West Palm Beach. "It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."
Democrats said they, too, were troubled by the explicit details about Clinton's sexual affair with Monica Lewinsky. But several Democrats said there was nothing in the report to justify impeachment.
"It's tabloid," said Rep. Albert Wynn, D-Md. He said the report was a sensational account of the times and locations of Clinton and Lewinsky's sexual encounters, but it did not break any new ground about the allegations against the president.
"I don't think you need to know the times or the hallways" where the encounters took place, Wynn said.
Clinton's fate now lies with Congress.
Next week, the House of Representatives is expected to formally send Starr's report to the Judiciary Committee, which will decide whether to recommend impeachment proceedings. The full House would then decide whether to impeach the president. If that happens, the case will then move to the Senate, where the case would be tried with senators sitting as jurors.
Some of the strongest reaction Friday was in response to Starr's account of Lewinsky performing oral sex on Clinton as he chatted with members of Congress on the telephone.
That was "just sad," Foley said. "It's unbelievable that he could behave so carelessly in that setting."
Starr's report said Clinton was on the telephone with Rep. Sonny Callahan, R-Ala., during his second sexual encounter with Lewinsky. Callahan, in a prepared statement, said he was talking to Clinton about the American mission in Bosnia. He said he "had no knowledge I was sharing the president's time or attention with anyone else."
Rep. Thomas Davis, R-Va., said the report is "worse than I had thought. Starr lays out a very strong case."
"I have read enough of the report to believe we should have an impeachment hearing," said Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas. "I think the president has a very serious problem on his hands."
Rep. Constance Morella, R-Md., said the report "read like a novel. I was very shocked by the graphic nature of it."
But Democrats said the report centered on a personal sexual relationship that did not warrant action by the House.
Rep. Charles Rangel of New York said that in the atmosphere of "rancorous partisanship" gripping Congress, some members "are demanding a moral standard for the president that is higher than they would set for themselves."
Next week, the Judiciary Committee's first task will be to determine how much of the evidence can be released to the public. The committee has until Sept. 28 to review about 2,600 additional pages of evidence to determine what is releasable. Some committee members could begin looking at the documents today.
The committee's primary task, though, will be determining whether to recommend Clinton be impeached. That could be contentious because the judiciary committee is one of the most partisan in Congress.
Among the 19 Republicans are Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia, one of Clinton's strongest critics. The 15 Democrats include Rep. Robert Wexler of Boca Raton, one of Clinton's most loyal supporters.
Wexler said Friday: "There was nothing in the report that laid out a case (that Clinton) tampered with witnesses or obstructed justice. The president has betrayed his wife, but I don't think he has betrayed the American people."
Two other Florida Republicans on the committee, Bill McCollum of Longwood and Charles Canady of Lakeland, also are expected to play prominent roles in the inquiry.
Despite the growing partisan rhetoric, Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry Hyde, R-Ill., vowed the process would be fair.
"Due process and fundamental fairness will be observed," Hyde said. "We're going to wait and hear what the president has to say."
-- Information from Reuters and Bloomberg was used in this report.
The right wing clowns like Sean Hannity are trying to spin that shadowy left wing figures had this story and didn't bring it up until right before the election. Yeah, and...? Who cares? It did happen, right? But my favorite excuse that they are giving is that the Republican powers that be never saw the incriminating instant messages, but only saw the "harmless, G-rated" email Foley had sent to that kid. Okay, that email was sent by Foley from his personal email address, and in it he writes to a 15 year old boy about another boy's body, and how he's "well built", and requests a photo. That's harmless? The dudes on Dateline: To Catch a Predator are way more harmless. Who knew the Republicans had such a high threshold for child porn? I guess it doesn't cross the line until someone's getting lubed up.
Anyway, my friend Cheryl emailed me this news story, which is dated September 12, 1998, check out the motherfucking hypocrisy:
Congress sees through party-colored glasses
By BILL ADAIR
© St. Petersburg Times, published September 12, 1998
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WASHINGTON -- For more than a week, members of Congress said they would avoid partisan politics when they got Kenneth Starr's report on President Clinton. But when they finally saw it Friday, they split along party lines.
Republicans were aghast at Clinton's behavior, with many saying it showed he had lied and abused his power.
"It's vile," said Rep. Mark Foley, R-West Palm Beach. "It's more sad than anything else, to see someone with such potential throw it all down the drain because of a sexual addiction."
Democrats said they, too, were troubled by the explicit details about Clinton's sexual affair with Monica Lewinsky. But several Democrats said there was nothing in the report to justify impeachment.
"It's tabloid," said Rep. Albert Wynn, D-Md. He said the report was a sensational account of the times and locations of Clinton and Lewinsky's sexual encounters, but it did not break any new ground about the allegations against the president.
"I don't think you need to know the times or the hallways" where the encounters took place, Wynn said.
Clinton's fate now lies with Congress.
Next week, the House of Representatives is expected to formally send Starr's report to the Judiciary Committee, which will decide whether to recommend impeachment proceedings. The full House would then decide whether to impeach the president. If that happens, the case will then move to the Senate, where the case would be tried with senators sitting as jurors.
Some of the strongest reaction Friday was in response to Starr's account of Lewinsky performing oral sex on Clinton as he chatted with members of Congress on the telephone.
That was "just sad," Foley said. "It's unbelievable that he could behave so carelessly in that setting."
Starr's report said Clinton was on the telephone with Rep. Sonny Callahan, R-Ala., during his second sexual encounter with Lewinsky. Callahan, in a prepared statement, said he was talking to Clinton about the American mission in Bosnia. He said he "had no knowledge I was sharing the president's time or attention with anyone else."
Rep. Thomas Davis, R-Va., said the report is "worse than I had thought. Starr lays out a very strong case."
"I have read enough of the report to believe we should have an impeachment hearing," said Rep. Joe Barton, R-Texas. "I think the president has a very serious problem on his hands."
Rep. Constance Morella, R-Md., said the report "read like a novel. I was very shocked by the graphic nature of it."
But Democrats said the report centered on a personal sexual relationship that did not warrant action by the House.
Rep. Charles Rangel of New York said that in the atmosphere of "rancorous partisanship" gripping Congress, some members "are demanding a moral standard for the president that is higher than they would set for themselves."
Next week, the Judiciary Committee's first task will be to determine how much of the evidence can be released to the public. The committee has until Sept. 28 to review about 2,600 additional pages of evidence to determine what is releasable. Some committee members could begin looking at the documents today.
The committee's primary task, though, will be determining whether to recommend Clinton be impeached. That could be contentious because the judiciary committee is one of the most partisan in Congress.
Among the 19 Republicans are Rep. Bob Barr of Georgia, one of Clinton's strongest critics. The 15 Democrats include Rep. Robert Wexler of Boca Raton, one of Clinton's most loyal supporters.
Wexler said Friday: "There was nothing in the report that laid out a case (that Clinton) tampered with witnesses or obstructed justice. The president has betrayed his wife, but I don't think he has betrayed the American people."
Two other Florida Republicans on the committee, Bill McCollum of Longwood and Charles Canady of Lakeland, also are expected to play prominent roles in the inquiry.
Despite the growing partisan rhetoric, Judiciary Committee Chairman Henry Hyde, R-Ill., vowed the process would be fair.
"Due process and fundamental fairness will be observed," Hyde said. "We're going to wait and hear what the president has to say."
-- Information from Reuters and Bloomberg was used in this report.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
LOST IS BACK!
Hope all of you will be watching, and it will be interesting to see how "The Nine" is after. I've watched a lot of TV in my day, but I think this last month is a personal best. Some men dream of becoming an astronaut and going to the moon, others choose to save lives as a fireman, I've chosen to watch television.
Monday, October 02, 2006
"The Bachelor" Begins!
One of my most favorite things I’ve done on here is recap “The Bachelor” last spring. It was such a good season, all of America was swept up in the whirlwind romance of…who was it again? I kind of forget. Oh, it was that doctor guy and that one crazy hot actress girl and that even crazier Moanna girl, and then that sorta homely teacher girl he picked and then immediately dumped after the show aired. Anyway, it was great!
And lucky for us, “The Bachelor” is back for another season. This year, we have an insider. My friend was a producer on the show, but I made her promise not to tell me a single thing about what happened while she was in Italy for the filming. As we’ve discussed before, I hate knowing outside information. But after watch it I’m gonna be more than happy to get the dirt from her about what actually went down.
No let me remind of the ground rules: I write this while watching the show and don’t go back to change things if I’m wrong or whatever. I also use the term “crazy” and it’s alternatives WAY too many times. The girls on the show dictate this use.
We got that out of the way, and now onto the show:
This year’s Bachelor is some kind of Prince. I’m no expert about the attractiveness of dudes, but I can say with almost 100 percent certainty that this dude is not as good looking as the doctor from last year. Not even close. But hey, I guess the fact that he’s a rich prince is supposed to make up for that. Although, I guess it depends on whether you are superficial about looks or superficial about money and power and titles. I, for one, am probably superficial about looks. But as I get older and continue to be unemployed, I’m starting to see the money kind of superficiality in a more wondrous light.
This year, they decided to surprise the girls with the news that they made the show. They get way too excited. The first girl we meet is Erica who’s occupation is “socialite”. She lives in a huge house with a mom that shows too much boob. She is clearly a producer’s dream – semi-cute and fully insane.
Some of the girls are already talking in terms of “trying their hardest” and “winning”. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness true love. Whore style.
Chris Harrison interviews the Prince and he pretends that he’s there for love, when we all know that he’s in it for the make out sessions and the residual tail that will come once he’s on TV. I’m jealous.
The girls get out of the limo and meet the Prince for the first time. It’s awkward. I have a theory that the first and last girl out are the two girls the producers think are the most likely to win. I’m like the Oliver Stone of “The Bachelor”. Back…and to the left. The first girl out is girl next door cute and seems like a good bet to move on. We'll see.
I like that the Prince admits that he didn’t put together his wardrobe. Let’s hope this continues and he’s the first Bachelor ever to admit he didn’t plan the dates.
The first 15 girls were a little rough. But then two in a row are very, very cute – Desiree and Tara. And then the socialite gets out of the limo and she is SHIT FACED! How appropriate. She’s really getting into her Paris Hilton role, huh?
It’s kind of annoying how the girls keep talking about how the Bachelor is so “down to earth for an Italian prince”. He grew up in Connectict! He went to Rollins College in Florida! You should not be intimidated by anyone who spent a large chunk of time near Orlando.
Oh my God, “cute” girl Desiree appears to be some sort of professional pole dancer from Vegas. I knew she looked familiar. At this point in the show my sister texts me: “is Desiree crazy or drunk?” I text back “neither…whore”
Lisa (the first girl out of the limo) appeared to be a totally normal, totally cute girl. Not spectacular or anything, but just like a regular chick. And then she makes a classic “Bachelorette” blunder, she gives this spiel: “I have my love life totally mapped out, I’m going to be married by 27 and I want a year long engagement, so that like, gives me only 10 months to meet someone.” Are there really people like this? Yes, and they’re all on this fricking show.
Some crazy girl sings opera from a balcony. It’s a fake moment, And also, creepy.
In a brilliant twist, they bring in two local Italian women into the middle of the “get to know you” cocktail party. And the brilliant part of it is that the Italians are smoking hot!
One of the Italian girls does a Beyonce/hoochie dance, it is insane. And great! It’s insanely great.
It’s funny because the introduction of the Italians has bonded the formerly cat fighting American girls. The whole situation turns into some kind of nutty version of West Side Story. It’s the ho’s versus the skanks and the Prince is Maria. It’s just sad that the opera girl isn’t around to sing: “When you’re a Prince you’re a Prince all the way…”
The Prince gives the first rose to, predictally, Lisa – the first girl out of the limo. Dammit, her getting married by 27 plan is working!
A girl actually says that by marrying the Prince she could become “A part of history”. Doesn’t this show make you proud, ladies?
THE ROSES:
Kim gets a rose, she’s pretty cute, and has not said anything too crazy yet.
Jeanette is in, not a fan.
Jaimie is in. Pretty, but a big girl. Not that this is a bad thing, but if we wrestled in a steel cage match, Vegas oddsmakers would definitely make her a heavy favorite.
Ellen gets a rose, she’s destined to be the unattractive girl who gets mad at the pretty girls for “stealing” time with the Bachelor. I hate that.
Sarah, a black girl from Canada is in, I think we all know where this is heading (cough-2nd round exit, cough).
Slutty Desiree is in. Of course she is. He’s a Prince, but he’s only flesh and blood, people.
Jennifer gets picked, hadn’t really noticed her all show. You gotta watch out for those under the radar girls (See: Jen Schefft).
Gina, who is kinda my type, gets picked.
Holy crap! He picks the socialite!!! He’s flesh and blood and moron.
He picks Sadie, who might be my personal favorite at this point. She’s cute but young.
And finally, he picks one of the Italians, I can’t remember if it’s the one who did the hoochie dance, but dollars to doughnuts says it is.
His picks aren’t totally out of line, only the socialite seems like it was fixed by the producers. They probably said “we’re trying to do a show here, guy, pick the slutty drunk.” There was an Italian girl who said she sold her car to be on the show who didn’t get picked. It seemed like he liked her, but I guess mom and dad prince don’t like poor people. Or people with tattoos on their back of the name of their construction worker ex-boyfriend.
As always, the “This season, on the Bachelor…” is fantastic. You can quibble with a lot of things, but whoever puts this together every season is a genius. The upcoming stuff looks great, including the girl I just proclaimed is my favorite announcing that she’s a virgin. Whoops.
Let the crazy begin!
And lucky for us, “The Bachelor” is back for another season. This year, we have an insider. My friend was a producer on the show, but I made her promise not to tell me a single thing about what happened while she was in Italy for the filming. As we’ve discussed before, I hate knowing outside information. But after watch it I’m gonna be more than happy to get the dirt from her about what actually went down.
No let me remind of the ground rules: I write this while watching the show and don’t go back to change things if I’m wrong or whatever. I also use the term “crazy” and it’s alternatives WAY too many times. The girls on the show dictate this use.
We got that out of the way, and now onto the show:
This year’s Bachelor is some kind of Prince. I’m no expert about the attractiveness of dudes, but I can say with almost 100 percent certainty that this dude is not as good looking as the doctor from last year. Not even close. But hey, I guess the fact that he’s a rich prince is supposed to make up for that. Although, I guess it depends on whether you are superficial about looks or superficial about money and power and titles. I, for one, am probably superficial about looks. But as I get older and continue to be unemployed, I’m starting to see the money kind of superficiality in a more wondrous light.
This year, they decided to surprise the girls with the news that they made the show. They get way too excited. The first girl we meet is Erica who’s occupation is “socialite”. She lives in a huge house with a mom that shows too much boob. She is clearly a producer’s dream – semi-cute and fully insane.
Some of the girls are already talking in terms of “trying their hardest” and “winning”. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to witness true love. Whore style.
Chris Harrison interviews the Prince and he pretends that he’s there for love, when we all know that he’s in it for the make out sessions and the residual tail that will come once he’s on TV. I’m jealous.
The girls get out of the limo and meet the Prince for the first time. It’s awkward. I have a theory that the first and last girl out are the two girls the producers think are the most likely to win. I’m like the Oliver Stone of “The Bachelor”. Back…and to the left. The first girl out is girl next door cute and seems like a good bet to move on. We'll see.
I like that the Prince admits that he didn’t put together his wardrobe. Let’s hope this continues and he’s the first Bachelor ever to admit he didn’t plan the dates.
The first 15 girls were a little rough. But then two in a row are very, very cute – Desiree and Tara. And then the socialite gets out of the limo and she is SHIT FACED! How appropriate. She’s really getting into her Paris Hilton role, huh?
It’s kind of annoying how the girls keep talking about how the Bachelor is so “down to earth for an Italian prince”. He grew up in Connectict! He went to Rollins College in Florida! You should not be intimidated by anyone who spent a large chunk of time near Orlando.
Oh my God, “cute” girl Desiree appears to be some sort of professional pole dancer from Vegas. I knew she looked familiar. At this point in the show my sister texts me: “is Desiree crazy or drunk?” I text back “neither…whore”
Lisa (the first girl out of the limo) appeared to be a totally normal, totally cute girl. Not spectacular or anything, but just like a regular chick. And then she makes a classic “Bachelorette” blunder, she gives this spiel: “I have my love life totally mapped out, I’m going to be married by 27 and I want a year long engagement, so that like, gives me only 10 months to meet someone.” Are there really people like this? Yes, and they’re all on this fricking show.
Some crazy girl sings opera from a balcony. It’s a fake moment, And also, creepy.
In a brilliant twist, they bring in two local Italian women into the middle of the “get to know you” cocktail party. And the brilliant part of it is that the Italians are smoking hot!
One of the Italian girls does a Beyonce/hoochie dance, it is insane. And great! It’s insanely great.
It’s funny because the introduction of the Italians has bonded the formerly cat fighting American girls. The whole situation turns into some kind of nutty version of West Side Story. It’s the ho’s versus the skanks and the Prince is Maria. It’s just sad that the opera girl isn’t around to sing: “When you’re a Prince you’re a Prince all the way…”
The Prince gives the first rose to, predictally, Lisa – the first girl out of the limo. Dammit, her getting married by 27 plan is working!
A girl actually says that by marrying the Prince she could become “A part of history”. Doesn’t this show make you proud, ladies?
THE ROSES:
Kim gets a rose, she’s pretty cute, and has not said anything too crazy yet.
Jeanette is in, not a fan.
Jaimie is in. Pretty, but a big girl. Not that this is a bad thing, but if we wrestled in a steel cage match, Vegas oddsmakers would definitely make her a heavy favorite.
Ellen gets a rose, she’s destined to be the unattractive girl who gets mad at the pretty girls for “stealing” time with the Bachelor. I hate that.
Sarah, a black girl from Canada is in, I think we all know where this is heading (cough-2nd round exit, cough).
Slutty Desiree is in. Of course she is. He’s a Prince, but he’s only flesh and blood, people.
Jennifer gets picked, hadn’t really noticed her all show. You gotta watch out for those under the radar girls (See: Jen Schefft).
Gina, who is kinda my type, gets picked.
Holy crap! He picks the socialite!!! He’s flesh and blood and moron.
He picks Sadie, who might be my personal favorite at this point. She’s cute but young.
And finally, he picks one of the Italians, I can’t remember if it’s the one who did the hoochie dance, but dollars to doughnuts says it is.
His picks aren’t totally out of line, only the socialite seems like it was fixed by the producers. They probably said “we’re trying to do a show here, guy, pick the slutty drunk.” There was an Italian girl who said she sold her car to be on the show who didn’t get picked. It seemed like he liked her, but I guess mom and dad prince don’t like poor people. Or people with tattoos on their back of the name of their construction worker ex-boyfriend.
As always, the “This season, on the Bachelor…” is fantastic. You can quibble with a lot of things, but whoever puts this together every season is a genius. The upcoming stuff looks great, including the girl I just proclaimed is my favorite announcing that she’s a virgin. Whoops.
Let the crazy begin!
This Week in EW's Insanity
Entertainment Weekly has a "Must List" which features "Ten Things We Love This Week" in movies, music, TV, books, etc. Well, guess who is on it this week:
"Sarah Paulson. Her character - a devoutly religious comedy-show star - might turn out to be Studio 60's most complex and compelling character."
Uh...what? This is the third straight week they've mentioned her, and last week they had the temerity to describe her as "smoking hot". Why are they so insane? Granted, I'm not going to agree with everyone on your Must List, in some cases I might just be able to give or take them, but come on. But why would you go the completely opposite way? No one agrees with that! She's the WORST part of the show and definitely not "smoking hot" and I challenge anyone to disagree with me.
I've already gone on at length about her, and about how her character is supposed to be this wildly talented comedic actress and we have seen no evidence of it. And that she's supposed to be the girl that Matthew Perry is stuck on even though Amanda Peet is sitting right there. Please. Are they saying these things just to piss me off? Did their reviewers hate "In the Mix" so much that they now have a personal vendetta against me? I don't know, but if they do, it's working. I'm outraged.
Of course, the person who described Paulson as "smoking hot" was writer Gillian Flynn, who judging by her name, is a lady. And as we've discussed in the passed, some ladies describe definitively not hot ladies as hot and truly hot girls as "slutty" because they're bitter and sad.
And speaking of bitter and sad ladies, "The Bachelor" is on tonight! Two hour season premiere, I'm stoked, and plan on doing recaps again this year. Another reason you should watch is that my friend Susan worked on it and she's never worked on a hit before. And I've been assured that none of the girls this season are Sarah Paulson, so there's hope that they're cute.
"Sarah Paulson. Her character - a devoutly religious comedy-show star - might turn out to be Studio 60's most complex and compelling character."
Uh...what? This is the third straight week they've mentioned her, and last week they had the temerity to describe her as "smoking hot". Why are they so insane? Granted, I'm not going to agree with everyone on your Must List, in some cases I might just be able to give or take them, but come on. But why would you go the completely opposite way? No one agrees with that! She's the WORST part of the show and definitely not "smoking hot" and I challenge anyone to disagree with me.
I've already gone on at length about her, and about how her character is supposed to be this wildly talented comedic actress and we have seen no evidence of it. And that she's supposed to be the girl that Matthew Perry is stuck on even though Amanda Peet is sitting right there. Please. Are they saying these things just to piss me off? Did their reviewers hate "In the Mix" so much that they now have a personal vendetta against me? I don't know, but if they do, it's working. I'm outraged.
Of course, the person who described Paulson as "smoking hot" was writer Gillian Flynn, who judging by her name, is a lady. And as we've discussed in the passed, some ladies describe definitively not hot ladies as hot and truly hot girls as "slutty" because they're bitter and sad.
And speaking of bitter and sad ladies, "The Bachelor" is on tonight! Two hour season premiere, I'm stoked, and plan on doing recaps again this year. Another reason you should watch is that my friend Susan worked on it and she's never worked on a hit before. And I've been assured that none of the girls this season are Sarah Paulson, so there's hope that they're cute.
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