Lindsay Lohan's Letter to Robert Altman's Family

I don't know if you guys have heard about this, but Lindsay Lohan wrote a letter sending her condolences to Robert Altman's family. It is a must read:

I would like to send my condolences out to Catherine Altman, Robert Altmans wife, as well as all of his immediate family, close friends, co-workers, and all of his inner circle.

I feel as if I've just had the wind knocked out of me and my heart aches.

If not only my heart but the heart of Mr. Altman's wife and family and many fellow actors/artists that admire him for his work and love him for making people laugh whenever and however he could..

Robert altman made dreams possible for many independent aspiring filmmakers, as well as creating roles for countless actors.

I am lucky enough to of been able to work with Robert Altman amongst the other greats on a film that I can genuinely say created a turning point in my career.

I learned so much from Altman and he was the closest thing to my father and grandfather that I really do believe I've had in several years.

The point is, he made a difference.

He left us with a legend that all of us have the ability to do.

So every day when you wake up.

Look in the mirror and thank god for every second you have and cherish all moments.

The fighting, the anger, the drama is tedious.

Please just take each moment day by day and consider yourself lucky to breathe and feel at all and smile. Be thankful.

Life comes once, doesn't 'keep coming back' and we all take such advantage of what we have.

When we shouldn't..... '

Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourselves' (12st book) -everytime there's a triumph in the world a million souls hafta be trampled on.-altman Its true. But treasure each triumph as they come.

If I can do anything for those who are in a very hard time right now, as I'm one of them with hearing this news, please take advantage of the fact that I'm just a phone call away.

God Bless, peace and love always.

Thank You,

"BE ADEQUITE"

Lindsay Lohan

Seriously, that's fucking real. Who was the tutor on the set of "The Parent Trap"? Flavor Flav?

Imagine writing a movie that Lindsay is starring in and she comes to you with script notes.

LINDSAY
Yeah, you know the part where I tell my boyfriend that I love him?

WRITER
Yeah?

LINDSAY
I think instead, I should tell him to be adequite.

WRITER
Why would you tell him to be quiet?

LINDSAY
No. Be adequite.

WRITER
I don't know what that means.

LINDSAY
Do you have any crack?

WRITER
No.

LINDSAY
Then why am I talking to you?

Rap for Whitey

(WRITER'S NOTE: To make this post hilarious, click here and read it)

As discussed before, I am a black man trapped in a white man's body. Thus, some people believe I know what's "going down" in the world of hip hop and have a respect for some of my musical favors. I've received some requests to highlight some of my current favorites.

But before I get to it, a few notes about Jay Z, who has a new album out this week (which debuted at number 1 on the charts with over 680,000 copies sold). I bought the album last week and it's pretty good, and there are a some songs from the album on the list below. However, there are some things that really bug about Jay Z. Herewith, a few of my issues with the self proclaimed "Hova":

1. Hova is a dumb nickname. No one knows what it means or cares enough about Jay Z to find out.

2. Jay Z is not the greatest rapper of all time. He is, however, the master of spin. P.R. spin. Why? Because a lot of people think that Jay Z is the greatest rapper of all time, and that is because Jay Z told them so. He is obsessed with becoming a legend, without actually being one.

3. Just admit the relationship with Beyonce for Christ Sakes! It's not like it's Bennifer or Bradgelina or even Fergamel.

4. Jay Z is probably the smartest rapper ever, and definitely the most calculating. And that is not a bad thing. It's just kinda not that cool.

For proof of this premeditation, just look at his recent career moves. Jay Z wanted to sell out arenas, but he couldn't do it alone. So he recruited R. Kelly, and it worked until it didn't. R cannot have a partner! R. is a solo act! So then Jay Z announced his retirement. This would be the last time hip hop fans could see Jay Z perform. Ever. And it worked. He sold out arenas, and then made a DVD of it and sold that.

And now, barely two years later he comes back and releases his first single...in a beer commercial. With two people from NASCAR. Get it? NASCAR - I'm gonna sell my CD to rednecks too! Shut up, Jay Z. Only one problem with that plan: the song sucks dick. "Show me what you got, lil' mama". How about you show me some other lyrics?

Can you imagine 2pac doing this?

5. Not only has this guy convinced people that he's a great rapper, he also convinced the money men at Def Jam to make him president. What? Jay Z's great musical finds before becoming president were Memphis Bleek, Beanie Sigel, and Freeway. Not exactly Barry Gordie there.

6. One of Jay's claims to fame is that he doesn't write anything down. He gets in the studio, hears the beat, and then says his rhymes. Maybe this isn't something to brag about. Maybe writing shit down would help. Cause you know, sometimes not everything you say off the top of your head is good. A lot of times it just sounds like he's talking. He's not making music or putting together a song, he's just saying stuff. If I wanted to hear a guy tell me a great story, I'd buy an audio book.

7. Now don't get me wrong, Jay Z is a good rapper. He's a had a solid career. But the greatest of all time? I don't think so. He's an uglier, skinnier LL Cool J.

He's had a nice, long career, with some very good hits along the way. But he hasn't transcended hip hop. He's Karl Malone. Or Jerome Bettis. Or Tom Glavine. He's not Shaq or Barry Sanders or Roger Clemens. And that's okay. But not to Jay Z. He's out to convince us all that he's the best ever.

Look dude, you don't get to decide, we do. And there's a couple of guys who have a distinct advantage over you right now and that advantage of course is that they were both shot dead. So unless you're willing to do that, just chill on the P.R. campaign and let us make up our own minds.

Okay, now that I got that off my chest, for the holiday season, here is my...

"WAR ON CHRISTMAS" mix:


"Hood Boy" - Fantasia featuring Big Boi

"Lost One" - Jay Z (produced by Dr. Dre)

"Mama Africa" - Akon

"Let it Go" - Hi Tek

"30 Something" - Jay Z (produced by Dr. Dre)

"Keep It Moving" - Hi Tek with Q-Tip and Kurupt

"Let's Ride" - Method Man

"Don't Matter" - Akon

"Got to Be Down" - Robin Thicke

"I Gotcha" - Lupe Fiasco with Pharrell

"Gangsta Bob" - Akon

"Anything" - Jay Z with Usher (produced by The Neptunes)

"Baby We Can Do It" - Hi Tek

"Sorry Baby" - Field Mob


Supposedly, you can get it on Itunes at:

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=207259472

The Bachelor Finale Recap

It’s finally here…

First off, this show is 2 hours long. As we know, I’m as big a fan as anyone, but that extra hour seems a bit unnecessary. I’d rather get a 2 hour episode when all the crazy bitches are still in the game. Now that it’s just these two, it’s overkill.

They start the episode off with a long recap (don’t they know about this blog?! I’ve got it covered), and then a “closer look at Jen and Sadie”.

As I’ve said many times before, Sadie’s my favorite. But the more I hear “I am a classy, conservative woman” the more I get the shakes. You know those kind of shakes – like when Nelly Furtado rhymes something with “Steve Nash”, or when K-Fed rhymes something.

Lorenzo explains that his parents are in town and they’re going to help him make his decision. So I guess he’s doing the standard thing where he pretends like he doesn’t know who he’s going to pick. It’s always a good sign of a future marriage when you’re 50-50 on who you’re about to propose to.

There’s been some complaints about Lorenzo’s level of attractiveness. But checking out his parents, I’d say he lucked the fuck out – not a lot to work with in the King and Queen’s gene pool.

Jen comes over to meet the parents. She suddenly has a weird accent. It’s like half-Chicago, half-valley girl. When did that happen? Oh, I guess it could’ve been there the whole time since we’ve rarely heard her speak.

Lorenzo’s mom says how pretty she thinks Jen is. I wish Erica was there to whisper in the mom’s ear about how it’s the makeup. She also says that Jen “radiates goodness”. That’s the one thing I’ll say for evil: it does take brains.

They eat at a table that looks exactly like the last supper – all on one side of the table. It’s either funny and weird, or I just watched “The Da Vinci Code”.

Jen says the difference between her and Sadie is that she’s more “here’s the real deal”, and tougher, while Sadie is more nurturing. Come on, Jen. Isn’t there one more thing that’s different about you? I don’t know, something that she has that you don’t. What’s that called? Oh yeah, a hymen.

One thing that you must know about this episode that’s great is the teases. Every single one has included that awesome shot of the tear streaming down Lorenzo’s face. It’s exactly like the episode where every tease was “will the virgin enter the fantasy suite?”, except it’s a grown man crying like a baby on a reality show.

Sadie meets the parents. She’s a real spark plug, that one. She goes into full chatty Cathy mode, which I guess is good. Parents tend to like that, whereas I go out with girls who stare expressionless at my family. That does not go over as well.

Sadie says the difference between her and Jen is that she is more spunky and spontaneous, while Jen does not have a hymen, I mean, is more reserved.

Sadie tells the mom that she’s saving herself for marriage. The mom says that’s a good thing, but I think she means in a “good for you, no way in hell for me” kinda way. She looks like she’s been to more than her share of key parties.

Jen’s parents are in town and they surprise her. She calls it “the best surprise she’s ever gotten in her life”. I’ll just let you think about that for a moment. She tells them that “she’s down to the final 2”. What is this, Survivor? You're not winning a million dollars here, sweetheart, you're "winning" an average looking semi-prince. Also - she’s not allowed to tell her parents that she’s about to get engaged? That seems rather harsh.

We learn that the Prince’s mom (the Bachelor producers) has organized a brunch with both girls and their parents. She thinks this will help the Prince with his decision, or more importantly, make some good television.

It’s funny to see the contrast between Sadie’s parents and Jen’s parents. If Sadie wasn’t around, I would swear that her parents were virgins.

By the way, I never really notice this kind of stuff or care about it, but to meet the Prince and his parents Jen’s dad wears a purple short sleeve collared shirt untucked, jeans, and no socks. Oh, and also, he makes an ass out of himself (but I would like to add that he seemed like a normal dude and was overall, pretty cool).

If we did the mom test - looking at your significant others mom to see how she’s gonna end up looking - I would have to marry Lorenzo.

Lorenzo asks Jen’s dad for permission to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. And what is Jen’s dad wearing? Different purple polo!

Jen and her mom hang out, and Jen says that for the first time, she can see herself settling down with Lorenzo because he’s “the real deal”. Hey, wait a minute! I thought she was the real deal? Can there be two real deals? I guess they are perfect for each other.

Most used phrase of the night other than “real deal”? “There’s another girl involved”.

Lorenzo asks Sadie’s dad for permission. Sadie’s dad is either the coolest, mellowest dude ever, or a prime candidate to end up on a future Dateline’s: To Catch a Predator.

Lorenzo and Sadie spend their last day and night together. They go sailing and then have dinner. They seem to get along well. Lorenzo says “it’s strange thinking tonight’s my last date with Sadie before the end. I can’t believe it’s come so quickly”. You know who else tends to come quickly? Virgins. Well, guy virgins at least.

Sadie made a little booklet for Lorenzo, which includes the first rose he gave her and a letter of “what she deserves in a guy”. The letter is multiple pages long. Dan Brown could have done it in less pages (Da Vinci code!). Wow, she really thinks highly of herself. Sadie says she “wants a lot because I have a lot to give”. Technically speaking, she really does not know this for a fact.

Lorenzo and Jen have their final date. It’s important to note here that Jen is a bit of a two face. Sometimes, she is damn cute. Other times…well let’s just say that maybe Erica was onto something for once.

Lorenzo says that he took Jen to “this private house I rented”. You rented it? I know it’s confusing with all the cameras around, but we do know you’re on a TV show.

Jen wears her good face to dinner and confesses that she’s scared and hopes that she’s the one. Lorenzo can’t say anything so he does his go to move of awkwardly kissing her.

As Lorenzo leaves, he claims to be “even more confused”. How would you feel if you were the girl he picked right now while you watch this? Oh great, it was basically a coin flip between me and the other girl, sweet. Glad that thing came up heads. Or if it’s Sadie, no tails (sorry, I’m reaching now on the virgin jokes).

Lorenzo picks up the ring that his mom designed. Being that I’m a dude, I have no idea if it’s ugly or not. It’s big though, and I’m pretty sure girls like that.

He contemplates on who to choose. If you were about to ask a girl to marry you, and you were hesitating because some other girl, you are not ready to get married.

The first limo pulls up and it’s…Sadie! Glad I didn’t put any money on it. I should’ve followed my old mentor Jimmy the Greek’s advice, who always said “Never wager on a virgin, kid, you don’t know what you’re getting.” Rest in peace, Jimmy.

She’s wearing a very booby dress. Poor things, they don't know they're about to get rejected. Lorenzo tells her that she wanted someone “who can’t fathom to be with another woman, the truth is that there is another woman here that I’d rather be with”. Ouch! There has to be a better way to put it, right?

Sadie is cool and says she’s trying to be “mature and gracious”, and she just wants him to be happy. I like Sadie. And she’s single! And living in LA! And a virgin! There’s always a catch.

And as Sadie drives off, we get Lorenzo’s big crying moment – complete with lip quiver and tear. It. Is. Awesome.

Well, I guess it’s Jen. I don’t see it, but I guess that’s why I’m not a fake prince.

I’d like to revert back to a theory I mentioned in a previous recap – where I said that Jen was the cute girl, who goes along with whatever you say and seems really great while you’re in a foreign country filming a show. But when you take her back home and ask her where she wants to go for dinner, and she says “I don’t know, wherever you wanna go is fine” for the hundredth time, you’re like, have an opinion, lady!

Sadie’s got spunk and personality and is a strong willed person, and that might not seem as cool as the girl who will do whatever you say and will actually have sex with you, but it might be more important in a wife. But I guess the virgin thing is tough to overcome.

The prince tells Jen the good news. She giggles and freaks out. Lorenzo shows her the ring and she goes nuts, but then pulls a “psych!” and says he’s not asking her to marry him. But for some reason he puts the ring on her finger anyway.

So there you go. Another season of the Bachelor. And once again, it didn’t go the way I thought but God Damn if it wasn’t enjoyable. It was also educational – I had no idea how much I enjoyed telling virgin jokes, but clearly I do.

At the end of the show, they reveal who the next Bachelor is. He’s a Navy doctor and a triathlete and appears to be very good looking. But who cares about that, hopefully the women will be hot and there will be multiple virgins. I’d like to note that it’s kind of a bummer that they’re not doing an episode with Lorenzo and Jen together to see how things are going. Hopefully, they haven’t broken up already.

We now return to our irregularly scheduled blogging.

A Letter to the Rest of the Country

Dear Rest of the Country,

Why are you not here? I don’t think you understand what it’s like, cause if you did I’m pretty sure you would move immediately. I have spent the better portion of the last two weeks at the beach and at the pool. I know it sounds crazy since it’s November and everything, but it’s true.

And I know what you’re gonna say: “But I like seasons”. No you don’t! Don’t lie to us, rest of the country, it’s insulting. That’s the thing you’ve made up to try and make yourself feel better about your cold and dreary existence. But it’s bullshit and we both know it. Right now, as you sit, holed up in your house, there are women rollerblading in bikinis mere blocks from my apartment. It’s a fucking beer commercial out here!

Have you noticed that there aren’t a lot of good looking people in your town? Well guess what, aliens did not kidnap them, California did. They’re here. We have your hot people. And yes it’s true that your hot women will not let me to have sex with them, but I get to stare creepily at them on a daily basis and there’s no law out here against it!

As an added bonus, if you move out here you will no longer have to read Pink is the New Blog or Perez Hilton.com. You can just hang out on Robertson Boulevard and make fun of Nicole Richie right to her face! Those two assholes will have to get real jobs.

Like Bill O’Reilly, I’m just trying to look out for the folks here. I want the best for you. You know why we don't have an NFL team out here? Because there is too much OTHER shit to do! So while you won't see the leaves change or snow during christmas, you won't give a shit because you'll be too busy hanging out with me ogling coeds on the beach or doing meth with Nic. Not a bad trade off.

Hope to see you soon!



Irwin

The Bachelor: The Women Tell All

I wasn’t sure whether or not to recap this episode, because it’s not a real episode and it’s lame. But with Erica and Lisa getting together, I figured there could be some comedy gold.

The first thing we notice right away is that they only invited some of the girls. The “10 Most Memorable Women”. Although I only remember 5 of them and I've watched every second of the season. Normally, they invite everyone and it’s kinda cool because there is a bunch of girls who are way hotter than you remember. But this time, we get a slimmed down version (except for Sarah).

Lisa, the evil lord Lucifer, master of the dark arts, is first on the hot seat. It sounds like they’ve digitally put in some clapping, but you know she was booed. At least she was booed in my apartment.

Chris asks about the infamous love plan. Lisa pretends that it wasn’t that big a deal, and that “just because I want that to happen by 30 that it’s not that bad of a thing”. Wait. Hold on. I wish I had all of the episode TiVo’d, because I know that isn’t the real love plan as stated before. The real love plan was 28. And I really hate that I know that. Maybe I need a life plan.

The girls immediately jump on this and tell her she’s too young to have a love plan. Some girl, I don’t know her name, yells at Lisa about it. Oh, her name’s Ellen. And she’s 30. And still single. She’s jealous of the love plan. Do not taunt the love plan!

The girls also hate on Lisa for being catty, and she defends herself with a version of the “I wasn’t there to make friends" defense. They kind of let her off the hook though. Overall, a disappointing segment. I mean, Lucifer had a lot to hate and it didn’t seem like they got enough out of her vs. the other girls.

Jami, the semi-bigger girl is next. She’s blonde, and I labeled her as being in “the friends zone”. And sure enough, she was given the boot during her one on one date. They show clips of her getting rejected, and she’s STILL crying about it. Wow, maybe Lorenzo is less of a tool than previously thought.

Erica interjects – she says “why do you compare yourself to a prostitute when you compare yourself to “Pretty Woman”? Jami immediately says “why are you such a bitch?” Maybe her first question should’ve been “why are you wearing a tiara?” Erica says “maybe Jami would be happier with a football player or a country singer.” That’s kind of funny, in a Southerners are cousing banging, backward ass, Nascar/football loving ass hicks kind of way.

Jami’s best buddy, Desiree, says that Jami was maybe “too much woman for him”. And if she means that literally, then I agree.

Agnese tells Erica to “shut up”. That was actual English. Go, Agnese!

There’s a lot of fake applause that was put in later on this show. They show some clips of Kim getting drunk at the beach. It’s pretty funny, especially when she starts speaking in tongues. By the way who, who in their drunken stupor says “blasphemous”? That’s a funny drunk word.

My girl Agnese is next in the hot seat. She gives Chris the Italian 2 kiss, the same Italian 2 kiss she gave me! You slut! I thought I was special. They show a clip of Agnese saying “Agnese Borgesi, it’s good.” And she sounds EXACTLY like Borat, it’s crazy! And hilarious. High five!

Agnese gets out a complete sentence.

The girl who we don’t know says that they didn’t know how aggressive Agnese was. It’s called “The Bachelor”, whatever your name is, you gotta know to ho it up. That’s probably why we don’t know you.

They call Erica up to sit with Agnese. And Chris nails her by going, why were you hating on Agnese, were you that jealous? That’s why Chris Harrison is the best.

Erica's are huge. It’s like God forgot to give her a brain and instead just added more boob. God is wise.

Back from the commercial, Erica is in the hot seat alone. The way she talks, I can’t tell if she’s just really dumb or if she’s been in the back doing shots with Kim. Even if Erica was the coolest chick of all time, I would be unable to hang out with her because of the way she talks. I’d also be unable to hang out with her because she’s a boob for brains.

The Prince comes out. Chris asks him if he’s glad he did the show. He says “I know the outcome and I’m happy with it”. Not exactly the stuff of romance novels.

While the Prince answers Agnese’s question, she furrows her brow. She has no clue what he’s saying and it’s really funny. You had to see it though.

Lorenzo shuts Erica down in a good way. However, her boob brain fails to comprehend what he’s saying.

They end the show with a preview for the finale and with the girls predicting who will win. It’s 7-3 for Jen. But by the way, as they each pick who they think we’ll win, it becomes very clear that this is the first time 3 of these girls have spoken the ENTIRE show. Maybe it should’ve been “The 7 Most Memorable Women”.

All right, that’s it. The 2 hour finale is next week. And my pick is THE VIRGIN -there’s a first time for everything.

This Week in Entertainment Weekly's Insanity

All right, Entertainment Weekly wrote a thing about TV ratings this week. Let's take a look at their latest insane claim:

"Viewers have spoken, and they like their mysteries solved, thank you very much. "Lost" has misplaced 1.1 million viewers this year, allowing "Criminal Minds" to defeat it for the first time ever on November 1. This band of "Criminals" should be able to rest easy for a while: ABC is benching "Lost" for 12 weeks to premiere "Day Break", yet another serialized drama (as if we're not over those)."

Fuck you, parenthetical!

"As if we're not over those" - who is this "we" you speak of? Cause clearly it's not AMERICA! What's the best rated new show of the season? Uh, I believe it's "Heroes", which is...a serialized drama. Not only that, two paragraphs earlier they were going on and on about "Heroes" saving NBC. Why do they insist on adding their fucking wrong two cents every second? Stop trying to be cute and "snarky", and be accurate.

And last time I checked, "Lost" was still number 9 in the ratings and number 1 was..."Desperate Housewives" - yet another serialized drama. So I guess "we" are not over those quite yet.

Wrong again, EW. Now shut up.

Questions for the Weekend

Why is Brooke Shields invited to TomKat's wedding?

Why did Brooke Shields go to TomKat's wedding?

Is Kate Winslet pissed that Cameron Diaz's love interest in their movie "The Holiday" is Jude Law and hers is Jack Black?

Does this mean that normal sized women can only hope to score overweight, 5'4" pot smoking dudes?

Did "Laguna Beach" make one bit of sense this season? (answer: no)

What's the over/under on amount of years we will be hearing "If I Did It" based jokes?

How cool is it to think about those college douchebags from "Borat" sitting around and seeing that first commercial for the movie and it slowly hitting them that there lives are over?

Ex-Girlfriend/Felon Update

Some of you have been asking what ended up happening with my ex-girlfriend who got tossed in jail last week. Well, here's what I have found out:

The reason she got arrested was that she and her boyfriend were in public somewhere and got into a fight. She hit him in the face and was wearing a ring, so his face got scratched up and he was bleeding. Also, she started kicking his car. A woman saw all of this and called the police and she was arrested.

She had her day in court on Monday and she pleaded guilty to a lesser charge (I think it was "vandalism" for the car). She got 2 years probation and 10 hours of community service. The judge also ordered her to stay away from the boyfriend, which sounds like a good idea. He added that she had "too much time on her hands" and needed to "get a job". Amen, brother.

So that's it, that's the story. So I guess all my ex-girlfriends now either have husbands or probation officers. Nice.

Bachelor Episode VI Recap: Is Oral Okay?

So…as mentioned, I did not get to view “The Bachelor” as I normally do. I was offered the opportunity to watch the show alongside one of the bachelorette’s and could not turn it down. The girl who I watched it with is, I guess you could say, the “4th place” finisher. That’s right, it was Italy's favorite daughter…Agnese!

The first two things I learned quickly after meeting her were: 1) she really did like Lorenzo. A lot. And 2) she really does not speak English. At all.

I tried to talk to her a little bit but much like Lorenzo, I was thwarted by the language barrier. I actually thought it might be a good thing that she couldn't understand me, cause American girls do understand what I'm saying and that usually goes bad. Unfortunately, you don't have to get what I'm saying to understand that I'm an idiot.

When I agreed to go to this viewing party, I didn’t think ahead to some of the awkwardness that was going to take place. For instance, at the beginning of the show they recap what happened last week. And what happened last week was Agnese getting the boot and her crying in the limousine. We watched this in silence. It was weird. But she relieved some of the tension by mocking herself with a big fake cry. Love isn’t the international language, awkwardness is – cause she knew she had to do something.

How did she look? Well, she’s moderately attractive with a nice body, that’s all I can say. She isn’t smoking hot, but very cute. She also seems sweet, but that could have something to do with the fact that she had no idea what was happening and just smiled and nodded at everything.

And now, onto the show:

This is the legendary “fantasy dates” show, where the bachelor takes the remaining 3 girls on separate dates and then uncomfortably hands them a card that asks them to go to a “fantasy suite”, aka the sex suite.

First up is Jen. She’s been the dark horse all season, mostly because no one even knew she was on the show until episode 3. She is a school teacher, but has yet to exhibit a knowledge of basic grammar or critical thought. She’s cute, although I believe it was Erica who claimed that without a heavy application of makeup, she had a bad case of the fuglies. This has yet to be confirmed.

They meet in Sweden, and for some reason are at an amusement park. Who knew that a trip to 6 flags qualified as a “fantasy date”? No wonder I never get women – I’m afraid of roller coasters.

Nothing much happens on the date, mainly because Jen is a completely blank slate. How can you be serious about someone who agrees with everything you say? Back where I'm from, we have a word for women like that: perfect. Just kidding. How can he take her seriously? Oh yeah, she's blonde and less insane than the other girls. Sometimes, that's enough.

As we go out to the first commercial, the best part of this episode comes on - the “coming up” teases. They all have to do with Sadie and will she or won’t she (lose her virginity in the fantasy suite)? They are just crazy. “Will Sadie give up her morals?” “Sadie struggles with the implications of the fantasy suite on her virginity.” “See the virgin get her cherry popped after this promo for “Daybreak”!”?" Jesus.

As we come back, Lorenzo has changed into a horrific orange sweater from the Barney Rubble collection. Nice. He’s also growing the hair out and has a nice little mullet going. Party in the back, Prince in the front.

Jen and the Prince have a nice dinner. Seriously, she has nothing to say and seems just happy to be there. People under 25 should not be allowed to marry, especially if they are named Jen and on the Bachelor.

Jen accepts the invitation to the fantasy suite. I don’t think anyone has ever turned it down, could the virgin be the first?

They go to a hot tub and awkwardly kiss. The girls I’m watching with howl.

SOMEONE: Agnese, isn’t Lorenzo a horrible kisser?

AGNESE: Hmmm…(looking for English words) to me, no. To the others, yes.

That’s all the insight I got for you guys, I’m sorry.

The tease into commercial is “Will the virgin accept the fantasy suite card?!” Chris Harrison actually said "the virgin", I'm not making this up. I can’t believe I get a hard time for loving this show.

The second date is with the evil one, Lisa in Budapest. I’ve given her many nicknames – Mosanna, Loveplan Lisa, the dark Lord Lucifer, etc., but I just can’t decide on one.

After Lorenzo’s date with her last episode, where she fake-ily dressed up in a wedding dress, he’s questioning whether she’s in it for the right reasons. Hmmm, what gave you that impression? Was it the fact that all the other girls hate her or because one of her boobs is autographed by Bob Guiney?

Lorenzo starts quizzing her about her “Bachelor” love. Her favorite is Travis, and calls Andrew Firestone “cheesy”. He’s grilling her really badly, it’s like a cross examination out of “Law and Order”. Nice work. Maybe you should have asked these questions before you eliminated 22 other girls who aren’t pure evil.

At dinner, it comes out that Lisa had a boyfriend and then met another guy while she was still with him. Yikes. I don’t know about you guys, but if I was on TV, I would totally lie about that. Although, I’m the same dude who went on and on about how my ex-girlfriend is in prison, so maybe I'm wrong.

In Lorenzo’s cross examination, he learns that Lisa signed up for the Bachelor 3 weeks after breaking up with a guy she was in love with. Of course she did, she cannot stray from the love plan! Feelings, schmeelings, the love plan is very strict.

You know what’s even more awkward than watching Agnese cry on TV while sitting right next to her? Lorenzo transitioning from how much he hates Lisa to inviting her to the fantasy suite. What the fuck? This makes no sense. He’s been brutal to her the entire time, and now he invites her into the boning room. Well, men have needs. And sometimes it doesn’t matter if the girl has a love plan and is a marriage hungry psycho.

The last thing we see of them in the fantasy suite is this:

LORENZO: “Thank you for a good night.”

LUCIFER: “It’s only going to get better”.

Translation:

LORENZO: “I’m probably not going to give you a rose.”

LUCIFER: May I interest you in my vagina?”

Finally, the teases have ended and we get to this virgin date we’ve heard so much about. Sadie and Lorenzo meet up in Sicily. Sadie admits that all she can think about is the fantasy suite and what she will do. Yeah, it's really hard to decide whether or not you should lose your virginity on national television.

I’ll give the virgin this: she’s freaking adorable. Damn adorable virgins!

They scuba dive. In a pool. Sicily is famous for it’s marine life. And in this case the marine life is chlorine (my inside source tells me it was raining heavily outside, thus ruining what they were supposed to do on their date).

Lorenzo and Sadie kiss underwater. Nothing says romance like a mouth full of pool water.

Sadie cannot stop talking about the stupid fantasy card and how she’s a virgin. Um, I don’t think you have to have sex if you go in the suite. It’s not the fantasy rape suite. And by the way, you’re a virgin and you’re 23, can’t you go for a little oral? I mean, you’re in the top 3, you might want to help a brotha out.

While this is happening, the girl sitting next to me says that “Sadie is a good Christian, oral is probably sex to her.” Sorry, but the good Christian girls are the ones who made up the “anal virgin” thing. I think they can do oral.

Sadie tells the prince that she likes him because he’s conducted himself with dignity and class. Good thing she wasn’t in Budapest last night, cause Mr. Classy was fucking Satan (and I don't mean he was Satan, I mean he was literally having sexual intercourse with her).

Sadie excuses herself from the dinner table to ponder everything, or so the producers want us to believe. She says that she needs “Lorenzo to know who I am and what I stand for.” I think he knows at this point, sweetie. You know who also knows? His wiener.

She talks about how taking the card is a big risk and a big deal and blah blah blah. It’s not the rape room! It’s just a room. You’re adults, you can hang out in a room with a bed without having sex. Although I’m telling you, Sadie, look into some oral.

Lorenzo stops her and says he “gets it”. He also says that he likes “classy, conservative women”. This is the same dude who kept choosing Erica week after week.

She accepts the invitation and “takes a risk”. She’s still a virgin. This is why it’s hard to turn down the devil.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

Sadie gets picked first. Apparently Lorenzo consulted his heart for this decision, but not his blue balls (wow, one night with Agnese and I go dirty).

Jen! He goes for the two blondes, and Lisa is out. Obviously, this isn’t a shock because their date was horrific. Except of course for the part where he stopped yelling at her so they could have sex.

The prince and Lisa have their chat. This is stupid, because the girl always tries to defend herself but you know he’s not going to take it back. He says he was worried about her “love plan”. She says that she “just wouldn’t marry anyone because it was time”. That is bullshit. People really do this! And it freaks me out.

They are arguing and he awkwardly, even more awkwardly then earlier, goes “on that note, can I walk you to your car?” What note? There was no note! She was mid-sentence. So funny. He could’ve just as easily asked her into the fantasy suite again. This guy maybe a Prince, but he's also the king of bad transitions.

Lisa does the cliché cry in the limo. It’s pretty bad. It’s “She has to fan herself cause she’s crying so much” bad. But you know she's not crying because she can't be with the prince, she's crying because the love plan is in jeopardy. The love plan is angry!

On the tease for the last two shows, Erica makes fun of TV Agnese. Live Agnese fumes. Later, we see Lorenzo crying. It’s great. Unfortunately, they don’t do another one of those vigin teases. I wanted to hear, “Which girl will Lorenzo ask to marry him? Will it be Jen or the cock tease?!”

I got the Italian kiss on each cheek from Agnese when the night ended. But before she left, I asked her a bunch of questions she didn’t understand, and one she did:

ME: Which girl did you hate the most?

AGNESE: Lisa…or Erica. I hate both, but both hate differently.

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

BACHELOR RECAP NOTE

Hey, I won't have "The Bachelor" recap for tonight's episode up right after the show because I'm going to a party to watch it. Normally I would not sacrifice the immediacy of the recap, however...one of the bachelorette's is going to be there!

I'm not going to tell you which one, you'll have to wait for the recap to find out who it was and if the Handleman charm worked on her.

Stay tuned...

My Ex-Girlfriend is in Jail

My friend Mat and I were talking the other day about how there are two different types of writers.

On the one hand, there are the writers who write from personal experience. Yes, all writers write from personal experience, but these types of writers take specific things from their life - people, places, events, etc., and put them directly into their stories.

The drawback to this type of writer is that they sometimes have only one story to tell, and after one great outburst they're done. The most annoying example of this is Antwone Fisher, the asshole who had the balls to write a screenplay called "Antwone Fisher". But most of these writers are not assholes, and many have the ability to write millions of great things from the things that have happened to them.

I am the other type of writer.

I started writing cause I felt like nothing ever happened to me. My life is boring. If I wrote a screenplay called "Irwin Handleman" it would involve a lot of Sega Genesis and women's basketball games - and judging by the WNBA's ratings, no one wants to watch that. When I write, I make stuff up. I never thought there was anything that interesting from my own personal experiences to write about. In short, I've always thought of myself as an average white dude, and there are alreay way too many of those around.

It seems though, that since I left the town where I grew up in and got out of college, I have opened up myself to new and different experiences. As I look back now, I realize that there have been some funny/weird things to write about. However, since I never have tapped that resource before, I often don't think to include that stuff in what I write. But maybe I should...

The reason I'm bringing all this up is because a few years ago I went out with a truly crazy girl, and now she's in jail. And I don't mean she was put in jail for like, public drunkeness or urination, and now she's giggling about it with her sorority sisters. I mean, as I write this, she is sitting in jail, where she has been for the last three days and will continue to be, at least until next week. Her bail was set at $50,000 dollars. At this rate my next girlfriend is either going to be that girl who drowned all her kids or Courtney Love.

Before I get to her crime, and what it was like when I went out with this felon, let me first do you all a favor and tell you about a new and brilliant way to waste your time on the internet:

You can go to a jail's website, at least the Orange County jail's, and there's a button that says "Who's in Jail?". You hit that and you can see everyone who is in their jail. It has their name, height, weight, bail amount, and "status".

Now, under the majority of inmates status it reads "in custody". But under a few it says "Escaped". Escaped! Wow, that's a lot of guys with full body tattoos of prison specs.

I have to thank my ex-girlfriend for at least this one thing, because this prison search game is just plain fun. I'm pretty sure that at some point it will overtake myspace. Teens are going to be getting themselves arrested just so they can do something fancy with their prison profile. "Charlie Manson's in my top eight!"

What will immediately hit you when you check out this information is that a huge percentage of people in jail are what Carlos Mencia calls "beaners". This is not racist, this is fact. There are no "Handleman's" in jail, however there are 73 "Rodriguez's". Looking at the names of prisoners is like looking at a major league baseball roster.

What is my ex-girlfriend in jail for?

Good question. Well, it seems that she recently beat the shit out of her boyfriend. This is no surprise to me. In fact, it's one of the reasons we broke up. That, and the fact that she's, literally now, criminally insane.

She couldn't understand that I really liked her because I wouldn't hurt her in some way. She is just wired in a completely different, fucked up way. She needs to be beat up to feel like she is loved. Well, she was barking up the wrong OJ with me. I've never hit anyone in my life. And boy am I glad I didn't, because apparently she would have owned my ass. She would've been the Ike to my Tina.

We broke up, and not surprisingly, she went out and found someone who would gladly do the job. And now evidently, these two go at it like Ali and Frasier on a regular basis. Rumor as it that Ali (my ex-girlfriend), put a ring on and worked the jab on Frasier's face. And now the champ is in jail. Ali, Boomaye!

So that's it. I feel weird about it. But believe me, I tried with this girl. And I learned a lot from the relationship (like how to defend myself from a 1-2-uppercut combo). But I'm not gonna go into all the crazy shit that she used to do, all the ways in which she is fucked up, or how you should never, ever go out with someone you meet at a place called "Sangria".

Nope. I'm putting it all in my next script "Irwin Handleman: Dysfunctional Chick Magnet".

Lost Thoughts

Well, 3 and a half seasons of "Lost" are now in the books. I hate repeats and all, but I'd gladly watch a repeat next week to see a new episode the week after. We waited 4 months for the new season, and now we have to wait 3 more months for another. How very Sopranos-ian.

Some people are down on "Lost" this year. I understand that. But let's not go overboard. I feel like the first 2 seasons were the best thing on TV (besides last season's "The Bachelor, of course), and I'm not abandoning the show just because the last 7 weren't up to that level.

The people who make the show have earned a little leeway at this point, and it's not like there has been an "Oliver" moment yet (by the way, can I coin this phrase? Can "Oliver" officially replace "jump the shark"? Or is me claiming this similar to Magic Johnson claiming he invented the high five or David Spade claiming he invented the "1985 called..." joke? I don't know). We gave "The OC" two years of shit before finally giving up (at least I did, some of you bastards are still TiVo-ing it), so I think we should give "Lost" more than 7 shows.

True, it hasn't been great, though there have been bright spots - the Jack/Sawyer/Kate vs. The Others storyline has been enjoyable. But the definite low point was last week's Mr. Eko episode. We all loved Mr. Eko, and his death served no purpose and neither did the episode. That character had nothing going on in these first 7, so why center a whole episode around him and then kill him off? It was a mistake. Which brings me to:

The 2 major problems this season:

The first is that the characters are all split up. Jack/Sawyer/Kate have their thing and the rest of the people have nothing to do. So we really just want to focus on that but we still have to see what the other people are up to, which has been basically nothing. This is where the Eko thing came in. As soon as I saw it was about him, I was bummed - and not just because the teaser made it obvious to assume he was going to kick the bucket. I want Jack to escape! I want to know how the Others have access to the real world! I want to know how Henry can have a spine tumor but Rose (and Locke) are magically healed! I want to know what the Greenland guys are doing! I don't want to see more of Eko with nothing to do but have bad dreams. You're driving towards an end, let's stay on that road!

The second problem are the backstories. First of all, there are three things you have to keep track of when you watch the show. 1) The storylines going on amongst the people on the island. 2) The storylines going on in each character's backstory. And 3) the various island mysteries, aka, what the fuck is this place?!

That's a lot to keep track of, but I'm okay with that. The issue I have though is that the second time they show a character's backstory, they usually go before we originally saw the backstory. So if they show Kate's boyfriend getting killed the first time we saw her backstory, the second time we seem them meeting. And then I have to remember if that was the same dude I saw get killed a freaking year ago! This show would literally be impossible to follow if we were in the pre-internet days.

Nevertheless, I liked the "finale". Of course I did - it focused on Jack/Sawyer/Kate. And now I have to wait 4 months to see what happens. So basically I eagerly awaited to see what would happen with those Greenland guys and never got an answer, and now I have to wait 3 months to see what will happen with the Jack and the Others. If the pattern follows, then they'll probably focus the next half of the season on what Rose and Bernard are up to.

That's a lot of watching just to eagerly await more watching.

Sopranos-ian indeed.

Kevin Federline. Feminist.

Well ladies, looks like it's your lucky day. K-Fed is back on the market. That's right, he's a single man again. And if you're looking for a baby daddy to pop out a couple of kids with, I can think of no better choice.

K-Fed haunts me. I actually spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about him. It was only recently that I realized: I am K-Fed. Or could've been. Think about it - I like to dance, I think I'm black and if I had kids I wouldn't mind if they were black too, I sometimes wear my baseball hat at funny angles, I'm not all that into shaving, I'm good at sitting around all day and doing nothing, and if I had the means there is no doubt I would make a horrible rap album...

So how can I really hate on the guy?

Oh yeah, cause he's a douchebag.

But the more I've thought about K-Fed's rap career, the more I realized that he's actually doing something historic. K-Fed's album is the final victory for the feminist movement.

Think about it.

Here's a guy who is basically a stay at home husband. He is not the bread winner, and he definitely does not wear the (camouflaged) pants in the family. And not only has he happily accepted this role, he has mass produced an album bragging about it!

Could you imagine John Wayne bragging about all the money that his wife gave to him? Or how about Frank Sinatra? Nope. The worm has turned. Women and men are equal, and K-Fed is the modern day Gloria Steinem.

But while old school men's men like Frank or the Duke, if alive, would probably be sad about this, the fact is that this equality of the sexes thing ain't too shabby. Because now, like Amy Irving, Ivana Trump, and Jerry Hall, K-Fed's about to get half.

Now let me leave you with some words from the man himself. And I can't help but feel that these song lyrics were a window into his troubled heart. Was this a sign to the trouble ahead? You be the judge:


"My life crime partner, my wife my honor
But now I’m feeling like George Bush and Osama
We gotta stop this shit put an end to this drama"

--Kevin Federline, "Caught Up"

Tour De Not That Hard Part III: The Final Proof

I've written twice about how I think the Tour De France isn't as hard as everyone says it is. Of course, it's very difficult, but it's not "the most grueling sporting event in the history of the world" like everyone says. Here's my first post about it, and here's the second.

I essentially argued that the Tour couldn't be the most grueling thing ever because the only guys who win it have cancer, several gunshot wounds, or a 90-year old arthritic hip. You'd think that an impossibly physically demanding event such as this would require its winners to, I don't know, be somewhat healthy.

As usual, no one agrees with me. However, now I have confirmation of my genius, because...Lance admits it!

Here:

Seven-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong made an impressive marathon debut Sunday, accomplishing his goal of finishing in less than 3 hours and thrilling fans who seemed much more enthused at seeing Armstrong than watching a Brazilian man and a Latvian woman win titles earlier on a crisp autumn afternoon.

"I think I bit off more than I could chew, I thought the marathon would be easier," he said. "(My shins) started to hurt in the second half, especially the right one. I could barely walk up here, because the calves are completely knotted up."

He called the race "the hardest physical thing I have ever done" — even more grueling than his worst days on the Tour.

Thank you, Lance.

There it is, the marathon, the most grueling sporting event ever. You know that means: Sheryl Crow's next boyfriend will most likely be a 110 pound Kenyan man.

Heroes: The New "Smith"

I just want to give a shout out to "Heroes".

It has emerged as my favorite new show of the year. Well, my favorite new show of the year that hasn't already been cancelled. I've loved the premise of this show for a long time, ever since it was done in "Unbreakable". I was really doubting that it could be pulled off as a network series though. It seemed like one of those ideas that sound great but could easily be fucked up. You have to be really smart about this thing, especially because of the amount of comic book nerds we have in this country. Plus, I didn't hear too much hype about it.

Because of this, the first 5 episodes have been sitting on my TiVo for the last month and a half. There was just so much TV to get to that it became the odd show out. But then "Smith" got cancelled, and then "Studio 60" became completely unwatchable, and time was cleared up.

I finally got around to watching it and it's been great. It takes a bunch of episodes to figure out if a show is good, especially with these one hour dramas that have some sort of arc to them. Because a lot of writer/producers can make one good episode, but very few can plan out a whole series - just look at poor Josh Schwartz and Marc Cherry. And that's the thing about "Heroes", it feels very "Lost" in that you feel like the people making it have an actual plan. That makes for little cool moments in each episode, hinting of what might be to come.

And speaking of "Lost"...

The problem this season seems to be that they've done too many great things. Hear me out.

There are so many characters, so many subplots, so many backstories and mysteries - all of them interesting - but there just isn't time to get to all of them. When they do a whole episode with Jack and the others, I forget what shit is going on with the rest of the islanders. And I just remembered last night the season finale with the myterious dudes monitoring everything in Greenland or whatever.

There could be one series just based on the Jack/Sawyer/Kate vs. the Others thing. And then another on the asians and Sayid. And then another on Locke/Charlie/Claire and the baby. And then another on the bearded guy and the hot girl. Wait. What? Why are they introducing new island characters? We already have enough shit going on! Who are these people and why are they necessary? At this point, we need less characters, not more. Right now I can't even remember what the hell happened to the older black lady with the cancer and her white husband. I need a cliff's notes sitting next to me, or at least, one of those nerds I mentioned earlier. There's just too much going on right now for me to keep track of. I do have a life, you know. I can't devote myself to "Lost" subplots full time. Although sadly, I almost can.