Gerald Ford never meant much to me. For much of my childhood, I couldn't tell the difference between him and Jimmy Carter. It wasn't because these guys weren't good Presidents, that's debatable I guess, but it's more that they didn't fuck up that bad.
Whenever I hear about Gerald Ford I think about one thing - one of my favorite Saturday Night Live sketches that has never got that much attention.
So in honor of the former President, and because I can't figure out how to put it directly onto this blog, here it is:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-89770458144460734
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Monday, December 18, 2006
Warning: Exercise May Be Bad For Your Health
This happened today. Or as Ricky Bobby would say "That. Just. Happened!"
I went to the gym to work out. I was on the treadmill listening to some music and pretty much zoning out. A really short girl kept walking back and forth behind me talking really loud on her cell phone and being annoying. When she finally finished her conversation, she hopped onto the treadmill next to mine and started running (there was a girl on the other side of me as well).
So I'm running. And then I hear a noise and look over - the girl was falling. Now the next part of this happened in about a second, but as I watched it seemed more like a good 15 or 20 seconds. This chick was going down.
Now some of you may not know this, but there are 5 steps to a treadmill fall.
STEP 1: The Trip. I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe her foot hit the front of the machine or maybe tripped or maybe she's just clutzy. I don't know. But it happened, and for the purposes of this story, I'm glad it did.
STEP 2: The Struggle to Stay Upright. Much like in the 5 stages of grief, one of the stages of the treadmill fall is denial. She didn't want to believe it was happening. So after the trip, she's halfway bent over and holding on for dear life - her poor little legs doing their darndest to keep up with the speed of the belt. She knows her very pride is at stake.
STEP 3: The Brace. This is also similar to one of the grief steps, acceptance. The belt is going too fast, the legs can't keep up, she's going down and she knows it. At this point she just gives into the inevitability of the fall. It's a sad act of contrition.
STEP 4: The Fall. She braces for it, but she must not have been much of an athlete. Because the belt takes her feet backwards and causes her face to go forward - she's not prepared for what is a nasty face plant. But God Bless her, even down on the canvas and in what must have been serious pain, she tries to grasp at the front of the treadmill to keep herself from getting pulled backwards and dumped on the floor. It's like a scene from Sylvester Stallone's mountain climbing epic "Cliffhanger". But alas, we lose her. She can't hang on.
STEP 5: The Unceremonious Dump. The treadmill takes her body and drags it backwards. However, she was listening to the TV that's attached to the treadmill. That means she has ear pieces in her ears. And they must have been really stuck in there, because I swear they held her for a moment on the belt. It was like a mighty tug of war: the treadmill vs. the earphones. The treadmill won. The ear pieces were plucked brutally from her ears and her body got flung backwards and unceremoniously dumped on the floor.
You know, some say that man is weak compared to mother nature. But man invented the treadmill, and seeing that girl's body tossed around so violently like that, I couldn't help but see parallels to what surfers go through amongst the mighty swells at the North Shore.
So she's on the ground and lying on her side. I look to my right to the girl next to me, who thank God is still upright and running. And she looks on the ground at the other girl, and then kept running and watching TV. Nice.
I jumped off my machine and went over to this sad victim of the epic struggle of man vs. machine. By the way, I am the worst person to have around in an emergency. I kind of never know what to do and I'm awkward in my offers to help.
I stand over her and ask her if she's okay. She's non-responsive (that's EMT talk). She rolls over a bit and I see blood. Uh oh. I tell her I'm gonna go get help (like we're in Baghdad or something) and run off.
I go to the front where the gym employee sits and basically reads a book, text messages his boys, or updates his myspace profile. That's literally all he does all day. Oh yeah, he also yells at people for not having a towel. Dick.
I run up to him, "hey man, a girl just fell off a treadmill". He smiles. Yes dude, this is an inherently funny situation...but there's blood! Let's all laugh about it later. He starts to wander over. I was wrong, I'm not the worst guy to have around in situations like this, he is.
He comes over and looks down at her, sees the blood, and then walkie talkies people who can actually do something. Pretty soon, there's about 5 people around the girl. I have done my good deed for the day.
Now I have a dilemma: do I get back on the treadmill? I mean, that's kinda rude. Not only is a girl sprawled out very close by, but I could be flaunting my dexterity right in her injured face. I also have a strong urge to immediately go home and blog about this. I hate myself.
I decide against it and go lift some weights. I press play on my Ipod and what's the first song that comes on? Mariah Carey's "Shake It Off"! I shit you not.
The girl shakes it off after a couple minutes. It was a combination of slightly cut/bruised eye and extreme embarrassment. And yes, Mariah fans, they put a "butterfly" band aid on her.
Not only was this whole episode crazy and hilarious, but it taught me something. It made me realize that I was completely wrong about that argument we all had last week. Girls are funny. (that was a joke, save your outrage)
I went to the gym to work out. I was on the treadmill listening to some music and pretty much zoning out. A really short girl kept walking back and forth behind me talking really loud on her cell phone and being annoying. When she finally finished her conversation, she hopped onto the treadmill next to mine and started running (there was a girl on the other side of me as well).
So I'm running. And then I hear a noise and look over - the girl was falling. Now the next part of this happened in about a second, but as I watched it seemed more like a good 15 or 20 seconds. This chick was going down.
Now some of you may not know this, but there are 5 steps to a treadmill fall.
STEP 1: The Trip. I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe her foot hit the front of the machine or maybe tripped or maybe she's just clutzy. I don't know. But it happened, and for the purposes of this story, I'm glad it did.
STEP 2: The Struggle to Stay Upright. Much like in the 5 stages of grief, one of the stages of the treadmill fall is denial. She didn't want to believe it was happening. So after the trip, she's halfway bent over and holding on for dear life - her poor little legs doing their darndest to keep up with the speed of the belt. She knows her very pride is at stake.
STEP 3: The Brace. This is also similar to one of the grief steps, acceptance. The belt is going too fast, the legs can't keep up, she's going down and she knows it. At this point she just gives into the inevitability of the fall. It's a sad act of contrition.
STEP 4: The Fall. She braces for it, but she must not have been much of an athlete. Because the belt takes her feet backwards and causes her face to go forward - she's not prepared for what is a nasty face plant. But God Bless her, even down on the canvas and in what must have been serious pain, she tries to grasp at the front of the treadmill to keep herself from getting pulled backwards and dumped on the floor. It's like a scene from Sylvester Stallone's mountain climbing epic "Cliffhanger". But alas, we lose her. She can't hang on.
STEP 5: The Unceremonious Dump. The treadmill takes her body and drags it backwards. However, she was listening to the TV that's attached to the treadmill. That means she has ear pieces in her ears. And they must have been really stuck in there, because I swear they held her for a moment on the belt. It was like a mighty tug of war: the treadmill vs. the earphones. The treadmill won. The ear pieces were plucked brutally from her ears and her body got flung backwards and unceremoniously dumped on the floor.
You know, some say that man is weak compared to mother nature. But man invented the treadmill, and seeing that girl's body tossed around so violently like that, I couldn't help but see parallels to what surfers go through amongst the mighty swells at the North Shore.
So she's on the ground and lying on her side. I look to my right to the girl next to me, who thank God is still upright and running. And she looks on the ground at the other girl, and then kept running and watching TV. Nice.
I jumped off my machine and went over to this sad victim of the epic struggle of man vs. machine. By the way, I am the worst person to have around in an emergency. I kind of never know what to do and I'm awkward in my offers to help.
I stand over her and ask her if she's okay. She's non-responsive (that's EMT talk). She rolls over a bit and I see blood. Uh oh. I tell her I'm gonna go get help (like we're in Baghdad or something) and run off.
I go to the front where the gym employee sits and basically reads a book, text messages his boys, or updates his myspace profile. That's literally all he does all day. Oh yeah, he also yells at people for not having a towel. Dick.
I run up to him, "hey man, a girl just fell off a treadmill". He smiles. Yes dude, this is an inherently funny situation...but there's blood! Let's all laugh about it later. He starts to wander over. I was wrong, I'm not the worst guy to have around in situations like this, he is.
He comes over and looks down at her, sees the blood, and then walkie talkies people who can actually do something. Pretty soon, there's about 5 people around the girl. I have done my good deed for the day.
Now I have a dilemma: do I get back on the treadmill? I mean, that's kinda rude. Not only is a girl sprawled out very close by, but I could be flaunting my dexterity right in her injured face. I also have a strong urge to immediately go home and blog about this. I hate myself.
I decide against it and go lift some weights. I press play on my Ipod and what's the first song that comes on? Mariah Carey's "Shake It Off"! I shit you not.
The girl shakes it off after a couple minutes. It was a combination of slightly cut/bruised eye and extreme embarrassment. And yes, Mariah fans, they put a "butterfly" band aid on her.
Not only was this whole episode crazy and hilarious, but it taught me something. It made me realize that I was completely wrong about that argument we all had last week. Girls are funny. (that was a joke, save your outrage)
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Why is "The Good Shephard" 3 Hours Long?
Why? Why?!!! It seems like everyone talks about how they hate long movies yet Hollywood continues to make long movies. I don't get it. Movies do not need to be 3 hours. Ever. And don't they make more money if a movie is shorter because they can play it more times during the day? It's a win win! You make more money, I'm not bored out of my mind. I've seen only a couple 3 hour movies that I liked, but all of them had shit I thought could've been cut out. Get over yourselves! I wanted to see that movie, but now I'm not going to. I'd rather watch 3 episodes of just about any drama on TV right now.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Keep It Pimpin' in the Produce Section
I love rap. I also love the supermarket. You'd think that these two things aren't related, but they are. At least at my supermarket.
Rap isn't real life. Normal people can't go into work wearing a throwback jersey, throwing up gang signs, and calling their coworkers "straight up ho's". And yet aspects of this "lifestyle" have started to creep out into the real world.
It made me start wondering if this is how American english started. The Pilgrims had English accents, right? And now we don't. So what happened? Snoop Dogg was on the Mayflower, that's what happened. Well, not Snoop, but someone like him. And over a long period of time, I guess we started talking with the accents we have now. So maybe in 100 or 200 years, we're all gonna be talking like cousin Ray Ray and them.
The transformation started awhile ago, and now it has creeped into the workplace. Because when I go into my local Vons, and I'm perusing the produce section, I hear this over the PA:
"Attention Vons shoppers: checkstand 3 is wide open, come holla at your boy!"
I crack up everytime he says it, and it's a lot. I love the black man at checkstand 3. He wears one of those things on his head, it's not a do-rag but it kinda is. It's like this. He looks like an extra from "The Wire". And this being LA, he probably is.
And when I'm done shopping, I make sure to go to checkstand 3. Not because it's open, but because after I've paid I'll get advice from him like:
"Keep it pimpin', playa", or
"Play on, dawg" or
"Keep it tight, aiight"
You know it won't be long until Fox News launches their "War on the English Language" protest, but there's nothing you can do about it, O'Reilly. Ebonics is here to stay. In fact, it's not even Ebonics anymore, it's just English. And in 100 years, it won't be weird to hear a Priest say "Jesus Christ is my nigga!"
Rap isn't real life. Normal people can't go into work wearing a throwback jersey, throwing up gang signs, and calling their coworkers "straight up ho's". And yet aspects of this "lifestyle" have started to creep out into the real world.
It made me start wondering if this is how American english started. The Pilgrims had English accents, right? And now we don't. So what happened? Snoop Dogg was on the Mayflower, that's what happened. Well, not Snoop, but someone like him. And over a long period of time, I guess we started talking with the accents we have now. So maybe in 100 or 200 years, we're all gonna be talking like cousin Ray Ray and them.
The transformation started awhile ago, and now it has creeped into the workplace. Because when I go into my local Vons, and I'm perusing the produce section, I hear this over the PA:
"Attention Vons shoppers: checkstand 3 is wide open, come holla at your boy!"
I crack up everytime he says it, and it's a lot. I love the black man at checkstand 3. He wears one of those things on his head, it's not a do-rag but it kinda is. It's like this. He looks like an extra from "The Wire". And this being LA, he probably is.
And when I'm done shopping, I make sure to go to checkstand 3. Not because it's open, but because after I've paid I'll get advice from him like:
"Keep it pimpin', playa", or
"Play on, dawg" or
"Keep it tight, aiight"
You know it won't be long until Fox News launches their "War on the English Language" protest, but there's nothing you can do about it, O'Reilly. Ebonics is here to stay. In fact, it's not even Ebonics anymore, it's just English. And in 100 years, it won't be weird to hear a Priest say "Jesus Christ is my nigga!"
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Pamie Responds!
Well, Pamie has responded to my last post. And then we got into a texting war over the issue, and then Pamie almost got into a texting related car accident, so she just called me. And then we argued about it for awhile, but it wasn't long before she conceded that I was completely right on all points (though she might disagree with that statement).
But quickly, let me just clarify my position and then we can move on.
1. There are far less women writing comedy than men. Period. I don't think I can emphasize that enough. I know there is a reflex reaction to call me a sexist or something because we're sort of talking about men vs. women. But that's not it all. It is simply a numbers game. Men are not better than women. There are just more men trying to do the job, and that is an indisputable fact.
2. Pamie does not fully understand because she is a great writer so it doesn't matter. But what if she hadn't submitted for "Mencia"? And what if another girl that submitted was asking for too much money? And yet another had already taken a different job? Well, let's go back to the numbers game. There isn't that many to choose from, and pretty quickly the show would've been forced to hire a less qualified girl just because she's a girl. This happens. And once again, it has nothing to do with girls not being good, it just has to do with girls not getting into the comedy writing business. Meanwhile, there are a thousand other white dudes who are EXACTLY LIKE ME. I am not special. I am a dime a dozen. The Pamie's of the world (especially when it comes to basic cable TV comedy) are rare. I don't know why that is (and I don't agree with Christopher Hitchens), but it is.
All right, now I shall go back to trying to be funny, despite the handicap between my legs.
But quickly, let me just clarify my position and then we can move on.
1. There are far less women writing comedy than men. Period. I don't think I can emphasize that enough. I know there is a reflex reaction to call me a sexist or something because we're sort of talking about men vs. women. But that's not it all. It is simply a numbers game. Men are not better than women. There are just more men trying to do the job, and that is an indisputable fact.
2. Pamie does not fully understand because she is a great writer so it doesn't matter. But what if she hadn't submitted for "Mencia"? And what if another girl that submitted was asking for too much money? And yet another had already taken a different job? Well, let's go back to the numbers game. There isn't that many to choose from, and pretty quickly the show would've been forced to hire a less qualified girl just because she's a girl. This happens. And once again, it has nothing to do with girls not being good, it just has to do with girls not getting into the comedy writing business. Meanwhile, there are a thousand other white dudes who are EXACTLY LIKE ME. I am not special. I am a dime a dozen. The Pamie's of the world (especially when it comes to basic cable TV comedy) are rare. I don't know why that is (and I don't agree with Christopher Hitchens), but it is.
All right, now I shall go back to trying to be funny, despite the handicap between my legs.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Chicks, man
You know I love Pamie, she's my girl. In fact, many of you who are reading this right now are only here because Pamie referred you. And I appreciate that. However, Pamie recently posted something on her site that has got me all kinds of fired up.
If it was just a little wrong, I coulda let it slide. But it's so out of control in it's wrongitude that I had say something.
If you didn't click over to her page yet, I will show you the offending post here:
No.
But let me get this out of the way first: I think women are funny. In fact, the funniest person I've ever known is a woman - my writer friend and former boss Cheryl Holliday. I like Sara Silverman and Lisa Lampenelli and Catherine O'Hara and Pamie and every Saturday night, Amy Poehler proves how much funnier she is than the guy sitting next to her. Girls are funny.
HOWEVER, the fact is that girl writers are getting hired just because they are girls ALL THE TIME. And some of them, aren't funny. Or they are funny, but not as funny as other people. This is fact. And I don't think Pamie disputes this. But the idea that she (or other girl writers) has to be the funniest girl ever so that makes it harder is fucking wrong. Here's why:
There aren't that many women comedy writers. We can have a debate as to why this is, but there is no debate that it's true. There just aren't. I don't know the numbers on this, but the ratio of men comedy writers to women comedy writers is off the charts. Women comedy writers are extremely rare in this business. They are like polar bears, or Native Americans, or how buffalo used to be before we felt bad and brought them back.
I've had friends go into meetings with agents, hoping to get representation. And the agents have literally said: "We think you're funny and talented, but unfortunately, you're a white male."
When I was working on "The Soup", the network was DYING to get a female writer on the show. They were obsessed with getting the "female voice". But guess what? They couldn't find any! I saw some of the submissions, and they were embarrassing. Meanwhile, there were about 50 QUALIFIED DUDES lining up for the gig.
And don't think this situation at E! was an isolated incident (by the way, "The Soup" finally found a girl, and she is very funny). This goes on at every show. Every show wants a girl in the room, and no matter who they have to choose from, they get one - even if she doesn't deserve it. "Well, we got our female writer, boys. I'll tell ya, she's not the most talented, but she's definitely the most vagina-ey".
The funniest part about all of this "we have to have a girl in the room" talk is this: funny women are dirtier, filthier, raunchier, and less girly than any guy. Funny girls go completely the other way. They are dude funny. Everyone knows if you want to have "girly" humor, you don't hire a woman. You hire a gay guy. And if you don't believe that, go rewatch just about any episode of "Sex and the City" and see who wrote it.
I'm not sure why Pamie doesn't want to believe this (we've talked about it before). It's not an insult to women, it's a numbers game. You're unique. That's a great thing, you should feel lucky to be the rare bird. And to be honest, I've been out of work so long that as I type this, I'm holding a knife to my penis.
If it was just a little wrong, I coulda let it slide. But it's so out of control in it's wrongitude that I had say something.
If you didn't click over to her page yet, I will show you the offending post here:
Why Women Aren't Funny tries to flatter me by calling me smarter, prettier, more magical and gifted and that's why I'm never going to be as funny as a male counterpart. The flattery isn't working. I'd much prefer a man just said the truth: "I don't want you to be funny, because I'd like one goddamn thing I'm better at than you."
And by the way, I'm pretty sure that this:
There are more terrible female comedians than there are terrible male comedians, but there are some impressive ladies out there.
...is a statistically impossible statement. That's like when everybody tells me I get jobs because I'm a girl. You know what they hire in writing rooms? A bunch of guys, and "a girl." A girl. One. "The" girl. And I've got to compete with a hell of a lot of funny and talented women for that part. You've got to be Supergirl. You've got to be so awesome at being a woman that there are days nobody notices you're a woman, or they notice that you're making it so that they don't have to think of you like you're a woman, which makes you even cooler because you're like, so not girly.
I've got to stop now, or I'm going to get too emotional and sound like my sixteen-year old self, writing a manifesto against the school's dress code. "How can a mohawk damage school property? Why are they censoring our right to free expression?!?"
I'll go scoop out my ovaries with a spork and see if that makes me funnier. Wait -- it totally does.
Why? Yep.
The spork.
No.
But let me get this out of the way first: I think women are funny. In fact, the funniest person I've ever known is a woman - my writer friend and former boss Cheryl Holliday. I like Sara Silverman and Lisa Lampenelli and Catherine O'Hara and Pamie and every Saturday night, Amy Poehler proves how much funnier she is than the guy sitting next to her. Girls are funny.
HOWEVER, the fact is that girl writers are getting hired just because they are girls ALL THE TIME. And some of them, aren't funny. Or they are funny, but not as funny as other people. This is fact. And I don't think Pamie disputes this. But the idea that she (or other girl writers) has to be the funniest girl ever so that makes it harder is fucking wrong. Here's why:
There aren't that many women comedy writers. We can have a debate as to why this is, but there is no debate that it's true. There just aren't. I don't know the numbers on this, but the ratio of men comedy writers to women comedy writers is off the charts. Women comedy writers are extremely rare in this business. They are like polar bears, or Native Americans, or how buffalo used to be before we felt bad and brought them back.
I've had friends go into meetings with agents, hoping to get representation. And the agents have literally said: "We think you're funny and talented, but unfortunately, you're a white male."
When I was working on "The Soup", the network was DYING to get a female writer on the show. They were obsessed with getting the "female voice". But guess what? They couldn't find any! I saw some of the submissions, and they were embarrassing. Meanwhile, there were about 50 QUALIFIED DUDES lining up for the gig.
And don't think this situation at E! was an isolated incident (by the way, "The Soup" finally found a girl, and she is very funny). This goes on at every show. Every show wants a girl in the room, and no matter who they have to choose from, they get one - even if she doesn't deserve it. "Well, we got our female writer, boys. I'll tell ya, she's not the most talented, but she's definitely the most vagina-ey".
The funniest part about all of this "we have to have a girl in the room" talk is this: funny women are dirtier, filthier, raunchier, and less girly than any guy. Funny girls go completely the other way. They are dude funny. Everyone knows if you want to have "girly" humor, you don't hire a woman. You hire a gay guy. And if you don't believe that, go rewatch just about any episode of "Sex and the City" and see who wrote it.
I'm not sure why Pamie doesn't want to believe this (we've talked about it before). It's not an insult to women, it's a numbers game. You're unique. That's a great thing, you should feel lucky to be the rare bird. And to be honest, I've been out of work so long that as I type this, I'm holding a knife to my penis.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
What "To The Left" Means
I keep hearing the question: "What does 'To the left' mean in the Beyonce song Irreplaceable"? For those who haven't heard it, it's a lyric she keeps repeating throughout the song. And since I'm part black and a self-proclaimed "Beyonce buff", I'd like to do my part and clear up the confusion.
The answer is at the beginning of the song, where she sings "To the left, to the left, everything you own is in the box to the left". It's also in the video, where she's kicking the dude out of her house and his shit is in the box to the left. So she keeps repeating that line and the sentiment is basically "get your shit and get the fuck out, loser".
So there you go. Irwin Handleman: solving Beyonce questions since 1999 (I wish this entire entry was sarcastic somehow, but unfortunately it's just honest to goodness dropping of knowledge).
The answer is at the beginning of the song, where she sings "To the left, to the left, everything you own is in the box to the left". It's also in the video, where she's kicking the dude out of her house and his shit is in the box to the left. So she keeps repeating that line and the sentiment is basically "get your shit and get the fuck out, loser".
So there you go. Irwin Handleman: solving Beyonce questions since 1999 (I wish this entire entry was sarcastic somehow, but unfortunately it's just honest to goodness dropping of knowledge).
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Lindsay Lohan Is Trying to Kill Literacy (edited to include the entire e-mail)
She's just the gift that keeps on giving.
Lindsay is back at the ole' keyboard again, people. And God Bless her. I have no idea how people get their hands on this shit, but boy am I glad they do. This story kinda makes no sense, but what does when you're high on crack cocaine.
I guess Lindsay ran into Al Gore the other night, and then she sent out an e-mail to her friends and lawyers saying that he (Gore) was going to help her. I know, I don't get it either.
Unfortunately, the crack staff over here at Handleman Industries has been unable to get their hands on the entire e-mail.
Until now. My girl Stephanie gave me the heads up and pointed me to Gawker, which had the whole thing. So here goes:
Two things I HAVE to know:
1. What that "way of the future-Howard Hughes" part is all about (I have learned that this is what Leo DiCaprio, PLAYING Howard Hughes, mutters over and over when he locks himself in that room with all the pee job. However, this still explains nothing. It's like the Da Vinci code, except for to figure it out you have to be on meth and fuck Wilmer Valderrama)
2. Lindsay's opinions on the way our society should be educated for the better of our country.
I'm dying to know these things.
You know, with Lindsay hanging out with all these politicians and having all these great ideas and opinions, maybe she should've been a member of the Iraq study group. She could figure out a way to get our troops home, and eat out Sandra Day O'Connor.
Lindsay is back at the ole' keyboard again, people. And God Bless her. I have no idea how people get their hands on this shit, but boy am I glad they do. This story kinda makes no sense, but what does when you're high on crack cocaine.
I guess Lindsay ran into Al Gore the other night, and then she sent out an e-mail to her friends and lawyers saying that he (Gore) was going to help her. I know, I don't get it either.
Unfortunately, the crack staff over here at Handleman Industries has been unable to get their hands on the entire e-mail.
Until now. My girl Stephanie gave me the heads up and pointed me to Gawker, which had the whole thing. So here goes:
Subject: The way of the future-Howard Hughes once said. I am willing to release a politically/morally correct, fully adequite letter to the press if any of you are willing to help. Simply to state my oppinions on how our society should be educated on for the better of our country. Our people. Also because I have such an impact on our younger generations, as well as generations older than me. Which we all know and can obviously see. People are just mean. I am going to proceed with putting LR to court if need be for what she's done to me. Its my life. I want to live it. People cannot lie and think that it is okay to continue on having done so. Simply because they will do it again to someone else, and that is not alright with me. I have had many ups and downs, as do we all.
But to make false accusations to one girl is unjust in my oppinion. Having said this, I am willing to do anything I need to get my life the way it should be and the way I work for it to be.. And have thus far in my career. Let's sue the tabloids for saying the things they say. Defamation of character. Amongst other illegal accusations, I will repeat this over and over to make my point. I am not fully aware of what these, again, accusations are, but I am fully and eagerly prepared to learn them. Have harvey and all lawyers help me please. If he is willing. Al Gore will help me he came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me. If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan metroplis, and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK. I'd really like to fix things and refuse to stop on any account for these unintelligent, vulgar people who like to hurt other people. Not just me, but everyone. I'm willing to hold a press conference and I will do anything necessary to do so. In putting an end to 'these people' trying to put an end to me and belittle me as well as try to be the demise of me after all I've gone through and done at such a young and tender age in a womans life. Its enough already, I've had enough and I am going to be the one to make a change. For all of my fellow actors, friends, people I admire and for those I've lost in the recent days, years, months. I do believe the focus in the world has misplaced and directed in the wrong directions and I am willing to be the one to help change that and use my celebrity status to move the focalpoint /(s) of the press to the real issues that we have going on as we speak. Anyone that is willing to help and has a family member or friend, even co-worker that is in a position to be involved in any way, shape or form, please contact me, Jenni Muro, Leslie Sloane, Michael Heller, Jason Sloane, Jason Weinberg as soon as you can or are willing. Just ask them, it doesn't hurt to ask. So let's start now, rather than waste time. Do you agree? Because I'm doing it either way. The way of the future. Thank you for your time. Your Entertainer, Lindsay Lohan Sent wirelessly via BlackBerry from T-Mobile.
Two things I HAVE to know:
1. What that "way of the future-Howard Hughes" part is all about (I have learned that this is what Leo DiCaprio, PLAYING Howard Hughes, mutters over and over when he locks himself in that room with all the pee job. However, this still explains nothing. It's like the Da Vinci code, except for to figure it out you have to be on meth and fuck Wilmer Valderrama)
2. Lindsay's opinions on the way our society should be educated for the better of our country.
I'm dying to know these things.
You know, with Lindsay hanging out with all these politicians and having all these great ideas and opinions, maybe she should've been a member of the Iraq study group. She could figure out a way to get our troops home, and eat out Sandra Day O'Connor.
Uh Oh
By Jeannette Walls
MSNBC
Updated: 11:51 p.m. PT Dec 6, 2006
Is there trouble in reality show paradise?
Jennifer Wilson, the winner of “The Bachelor: Rome” is already cheating on her bachelor, according to the National Enquirer.
Just weeks after accepting a ring from Prince Lorenzo Borghese, the teacher from Pembroke Pines, Florida, is secretly dating Dan Herrero, another teacher from the school where she works, reports the tab.
“I can’t believe I had just watched her accept the last rose from Prince Lorenzo on television, then only days later she was making out with Dan!” a source told the Enquirer. “When Dan asked Jennifer about what she was going to do about Lorenzo, she told him point blank that she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for him at all and has absolutely no intention of following through with their plans to start a future together,” says the pal.
Wilson didn’t respond to the tab’s requests for comment, but Herrero adamantly denied the story, insisting that he’s merely “good friends” with Wilson.
Three days later, however, they were spotted frolicking on a beach together, and the tab carried the photographs.
MSNBC
Updated: 11:51 p.m. PT Dec 6, 2006
Is there trouble in reality show paradise?
Jennifer Wilson, the winner of “The Bachelor: Rome” is already cheating on her bachelor, according to the National Enquirer.
Just weeks after accepting a ring from Prince Lorenzo Borghese, the teacher from Pembroke Pines, Florida, is secretly dating Dan Herrero, another teacher from the school where she works, reports the tab.
“I can’t believe I had just watched her accept the last rose from Prince Lorenzo on television, then only days later she was making out with Dan!” a source told the Enquirer. “When Dan asked Jennifer about what she was going to do about Lorenzo, she told him point blank that she doesn’t have any romantic feelings for him at all and has absolutely no intention of following through with their plans to start a future together,” says the pal.
Wilson didn’t respond to the tab’s requests for comment, but Herrero adamantly denied the story, insisting that he’s merely “good friends” with Wilson.
Three days later, however, they were spotted frolicking on a beach together, and the tab carried the photographs.
Monday, December 04, 2006
The Golden Age of Television Drama
Can someone please, please do me a favor and explain "The Wire" to me? I've been hearing about the greatness of this show for many years now, and I finally broke down a couple weeks ago and checked it out.
The first season DVD arrived via Netflix and I did what I do with every DVD I get in the mail: I didn't watch it for 3 weeks. Your welcome, Netflix.
So I finally watched it and it. is. slow. Really slow. It's the most realistic show I've ever seen. And by realistic I mean they show the boring stuff too. I lasted four episode and then called it quits. And after each episode I said the same thing: "Where's the wire?!" That's right - the first four episodes and a wire is not used once! That's just false advertising, plain and simple.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad show. However, you have to invest 12 hours of your time just to see something happen. Of course that's just a guess that something eventually happens and that's the time it would take. I'm thinking they built the whole first season around why you would use a wire, what it takes to get a wire, and the use of a wire. But in most shows I watch, getting a wire generally takes two minutes and I'm fine with that. Or in the case of "The Departed", it's glossed over entirely.
But I was thinking that maybe the problem isn't the show, it's how good the rest of TV is right now. A lot of people are saying this is the golden age of TV. I agree with half of that. It is the golden age, of TV drama. Cause comedy isn't gold right now. It's crap. So I don't think there can be a golden age with no comedy.
Back to my point: I think with all the great dramas on TV, that first season of "The Wire" pales in comparison. It also feels like a waste of time when I can watch a great hour of a bunch of different things, and yet it will take 12 hours of "The Wire" to get one freaking wire!
Anyway, if there's any rabid fans out there maybe you can explain it to me.
A couple other random TV notes:
--I caught a little bit of the Big in '06 Awards on VH1 last night. DL Hughley was the host, and apparently he playing that character from "Studio 60", you know, the hack black comedian guy. But I was thinking that it's weird that he's been a professional stand up for all these years, yet he ends his jokes with questions. Like "isn't that crazy?" or "what the hell's up with that?" or "that don't make no sense does it? or "what you talkin' about, Willis?"
--I'm confused: is Fergie still copying Gwen or is Gwen copying Fergie now?
--Everyone should watch the much anticipated (by me) Real World episode Wednesday at 10:00. They've been running the previews like crazy, and this is what seems to happen. There's a very large black guy in the house, another religious black guy, and a white religious gay guy. And the commercial shows the gay guy getting into a fight with the black guys and then yelling "I'm gonna get kicked out of the house because some big n----r wants to kill me!" It is insane.
--Here is a list of my top 15 of the current "golden age":
1. Lost
2. Rescue Me
3. Heroes
4. Entourage
5. The Bachelor
6. The Office
7. Sopranos
8. Curb Your Enthusiasm
9. Grey's Anatomy
10. Real World/Road Rules Challenge
11. Friday Night Lights
12. Smith (sigh)
13. How I Met Your Mother
14. 30 Rock
15. Prison Break
Jesus, I waste a lot of time.
The first season DVD arrived via Netflix and I did what I do with every DVD I get in the mail: I didn't watch it for 3 weeks. Your welcome, Netflix.
So I finally watched it and it. is. slow. Really slow. It's the most realistic show I've ever seen. And by realistic I mean they show the boring stuff too. I lasted four episode and then called it quits. And after each episode I said the same thing: "Where's the wire?!" That's right - the first four episodes and a wire is not used once! That's just false advertising, plain and simple.
Now don't get me wrong, it's not a bad show. However, you have to invest 12 hours of your time just to see something happen. Of course that's just a guess that something eventually happens and that's the time it would take. I'm thinking they built the whole first season around why you would use a wire, what it takes to get a wire, and the use of a wire. But in most shows I watch, getting a wire generally takes two minutes and I'm fine with that. Or in the case of "The Departed", it's glossed over entirely.
But I was thinking that maybe the problem isn't the show, it's how good the rest of TV is right now. A lot of people are saying this is the golden age of TV. I agree with half of that. It is the golden age, of TV drama. Cause comedy isn't gold right now. It's crap. So I don't think there can be a golden age with no comedy.
Back to my point: I think with all the great dramas on TV, that first season of "The Wire" pales in comparison. It also feels like a waste of time when I can watch a great hour of a bunch of different things, and yet it will take 12 hours of "The Wire" to get one freaking wire!
Anyway, if there's any rabid fans out there maybe you can explain it to me.
A couple other random TV notes:
--I caught a little bit of the Big in '06 Awards on VH1 last night. DL Hughley was the host, and apparently he playing that character from "Studio 60", you know, the hack black comedian guy. But I was thinking that it's weird that he's been a professional stand up for all these years, yet he ends his jokes with questions. Like "isn't that crazy?" or "what the hell's up with that?" or "that don't make no sense does it? or "what you talkin' about, Willis?"
--I'm confused: is Fergie still copying Gwen or is Gwen copying Fergie now?
--Everyone should watch the much anticipated (by me) Real World episode Wednesday at 10:00. They've been running the previews like crazy, and this is what seems to happen. There's a very large black guy in the house, another religious black guy, and a white religious gay guy. And the commercial shows the gay guy getting into a fight with the black guys and then yelling "I'm gonna get kicked out of the house because some big n----r wants to kill me!" It is insane.
--Here is a list of my top 15 of the current "golden age":
1. Lost
2. Rescue Me
3. Heroes
4. Entourage
5. The Bachelor
6. The Office
7. Sopranos
8. Curb Your Enthusiasm
9. Grey's Anatomy
10. Real World/Road Rules Challenge
11. Friday Night Lights
12. Smith (sigh)
13. How I Met Your Mother
14. 30 Rock
15. Prison Break
Jesus, I waste a lot of time.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Lindsay Lohan Letter UPDATE
Yes, that Lindsay Lohan letter was real. However, I forgot to include the title of it: "Dead is Hard, Life is Much Easier". Yeah, that's appropriate. Glad the Altman family is clear on the fact that gramps died painfully.
Well, now her "people" have come to her defense. It's kind of interesting though, because they're also saying Lindsay's going to AA meetings. Are they blaming the alcohol for the letter? I guess that does make it seem a little better. I mean, Mel Gibson gets drunk and he goes on anti-semitic tirades. When Lindsay gets drunk, she flashes her cooch and spells stuff wrong. Doesn't seem so bad in comparison.
Then again, maybe this whole thing is just a stunt to combat Lindsay's fiercest (trashiest) competitor: Britney Spears. Is it a coincidence that these Lohan stories happen right after Brit's vagina gets photographed twice? That's Lindsay's move! That's like someone ripping off Wilmer Valderrama and statutory raping Dakota Fanning!
Here is Lindsay's "spokesperson's" - statement. I will translate it for you:
TRANSLATION: Pay attention to her!!! She'll do whatever you want, but please keep talking about her! She's a drunk now! She'll grow her boobs back! She'll out-skinny Nicole Richie! She'll show her vag again! She'll fuck a homeless guy!
TRANSLATION: But only if "the next person" is Sean Connery as played by Darrel Hammond on Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy.
TRANSLATION: On the fly = high on crack cocaine.
Well, now her "people" have come to her defense. It's kind of interesting though, because they're also saying Lindsay's going to AA meetings. Are they blaming the alcohol for the letter? I guess that does make it seem a little better. I mean, Mel Gibson gets drunk and he goes on anti-semitic tirades. When Lindsay gets drunk, she flashes her cooch and spells stuff wrong. Doesn't seem so bad in comparison.
Then again, maybe this whole thing is just a stunt to combat Lindsay's fiercest (trashiest) competitor: Britney Spears. Is it a coincidence that these Lohan stories happen right after Brit's vagina gets photographed twice? That's Lindsay's move! That's like someone ripping off Wilmer Valderrama and statutory raping Dakota Fanning!
Here is Lindsay's "spokesperson's" - statement. I will translate it for you:
Lindsay Lohan has been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, her publicist said Friday. "She started attending some, and I think it's a positive thing," Leslie Sloane told The Associated Press.
"I want everyone to leave her the hell alone," Sloane said. "I'm so bored of this with her. No matter what she does, it's never good enough for everybody."
TRANSLATION: Pay attention to her!!! She'll do whatever you want, but please keep talking about her! She's a drunk now! She'll grow her boobs back! She'll out-skinny Nicole Richie! She'll show her vag again! She'll fuck a homeless guy!
"It's a place to go and feel safe," she said. "No one judges her, and it's going to be a slow process. But, to me, the fact that she's seeing that there's something not right makes her smarter than the next person."
TRANSLATION: But only if "the next person" is Sean Connery as played by Darrel Hammond on Saturday Night Live's Celebrity Jeopardy.
Sloane said she thinks the press was unfair to Lohan by ridiculing a statement the actress wrote following last week's death of Robert Altman, who directed her in "A Prairie Home Companion."
A sad Lohan wrote the rambling letter "on the fly" on her Blackberry, Sloane said.
TRANSLATION: On the fly = high on crack cocaine.
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