Skinny is Ugly

The Golden Globes 2007

As I’ve said many times before, I hate awards shows. But The Golden Globes is the one I hate the least. It’s pretty cool to see movie stars and TV stars all in the same room getting way too drunk. You can see McDreamy talking to Nicholson and wonder “what the hell could Colonel Jessup possibly have to say to Ronald Miller?

I didn’t get to do a whole recap from last night’s show, but here are some random thoughts:

-For the first hour I thought my TV was broken because every single girl I saw was WAY TOO SKINNY. Spielberg must have thought he was back on the set of “Schindler’s List”. It was disgusting. What are these girls thinking? Just to be clear here, I’m talking about Hillary Swank, all of the “Desperate Housewives”, Sharon Stone, of course Renee Zellweger, Cameron Diaz, Toni Collete, Naomi Watts, and the list goes on and on. It’s like they all saw Nicole Richie in US Weekly and went “I want that!”

I think I’ve said this before but let me say it again: men do not find that attractive. Only guys on Dateline want to have sex with 12 year olds.

And if they are looking for a gauge on when skinny is too skinny, I have a rule for them: check your head. The size of your head determines how skinny you can be. Once you get “big head”, you need to put on a few more pounds. Did you see Longoria’s melon last night? I have bobble heads in better proportion. Just look at Oprah – there’s only so skinny she can be because her head is huge. She pretty much has to be 200 pounds just to support that noggin.

As for Zellweger, she’s not even a human being anymore. She’s a baby alien who is constantly eating a lemon. And Cameron Diaz isn’t taking the breakup well. I thought she was doing an audition to be the Joker in the next Batman. And Swank? Um, sweetie, the only thing from keeping us from thinking you were a dude this whole time was your voluptousness. Now your boobs are gone and I think we should take back that Oscar for playing Brandon Teena. She IS Brandon Teena. A real stretch would be playing a good looking chick at this point.

On the other hand, Salma Hayek! Not skinny but just fricking hot. Follow her example, skinny bitches.

-How about that “Prince is short” joke by Justin Timberlake? Wow, he’s got balls. It was funny though. I think it’s time that we just all agree to forget that ‘NSYNC ever happened and admit that Justin is cool.

-Why couldn’t there be a camera on Brad and Angelina for the entire show? If there was a feed of just them, I would’ve watched that instead.

-Kyra Sedgwick wins? If any of you guys have seen this show I’d like you to comment, because my parents were watching this one time when I visited them and we all agreed it was the worst show on TV. And Kyra is horrible in it. She does a really bad southern accent. I swear the Hollywood Foreign Press has never seen it before and just gave the award to a recognizable name.

-Is the Hollywood Foreign Press made up entirely of gay males? This was the gayest awards show I’ve ever seen. Think about it: “Dreamgirls”, multiple movies involving The Queen, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep in “Devil Wears Prada”, “Ugly Betty”, and nominating Leo not once but twice! Everyone who saw the preview for "Blood Diamond" went "Maybe I'd see it, but Leo's accent is terrible". And he got nominated for that?! Crazy gay.

-What happened to Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”? I thought that was supposed to be the greatest performance ever? I haven’t heard one word about it. It just goes to show that awards are all about the ad campaign. And that gays don’t like Gosling.

-I’m glad Alec won, but how was he not nominated for “The Departed”? Marky Mark was good and all, but come on! He stole the movie! “You wanna smoke? What? You don’t smoke? You some kind of a health freak? Go fuck yourself!”

-Beyonce is fucking hot.

-Two girls who I normally don’t think are hot who were last night: Reese and Courtney Cox. Think about it: Courtney Cox was on “Family Ties” in 1987. Suck on it, Ponce De Leon! (Yes, I know that both these chicks are way skinny but I have to judge in relation to the rest of the skinniness)

-Will Smith and Jada Pinkett were less annoying than usual. Oh yeah, it’s because they didn’t let them talk.

-The show set the record for most funny acceptance speeches – Hugh Laurie was great, he could easily be Hugh Grant's older brother. And of course, Sascha Baren Cohen.

-Awkward moment of the night: Maria Menounos’ interview with Ugly Betty. She asked “what do you say to all the people who said you couldn’t play this part?” “What people?” It was so bad that Maria was never seen or heard from again the rest of the night.

-Say what you want about J. Lo, but girl puts it together for awards shows.

-“Dreamgirls”? “Dreamgirls”?!!!