The Bachelor Episode VI: Hometown Visits

We’re down to 4: Tessa, BBD, Amber, and the Girl With the Dead Boyfriend.

It’s time for Andy to go to their homes and see just how fucked up they really are. First up, crazy ass BBD. She’s from Seattle. In your face, Seattle! That’s gotta hurt.

Andy says “I’m in heaven, when I’m with Bevin”. I take it back: this guy isn't gay, he's a masochist.

BBD prepares to tell Andy that she’s divorced. She builds it up like she’s done anal porn before or something. Divorced?! Oh my God! Why hasn’t she been wearing her scarlet letter?!

As she tries to tell him, she says “We’ve all had pasts before, right?” I swear to God she said that sentence. Andy should’ve answered no.

Andy tells BBD that he knew all along that she was “the most mature”. Apparently, maturity = constantly crying.

We meet the family. I honestly can’t tell which parent BBD got her schnozz from, the only thing I’m sure about is that the sucker had no chance.

Finally, there’s actually a hot girl on this show. And it’s…BBD’s sister, Ona. Holy crap! Andy might wanna pull the ole’ switcheroo, not that I’d know anything about that maneuver. By the way, BBD’s parents - Bevin, Ona, nice names, assholes.

In a huge upset, BBD cries. THREE TIMES.

The second date is with the girl with the dead boyfriend, also known as the girl we’ve never seen, also known as Danielle.

We meet the family. Danielle also has a sister, but she can’t compete with my true love, Ona. Danielle gushes to her mom and sister. Live it up, lady, cause you ain’t getting past this episode.

I don’t want to throw around wild accusations or anything, but when the police were investigating the death of Danielle’s boyfriend, I hope they questioned her father.

Okay, that last joke was kind of messed up. I thought about deleting it, but it kept making me laugh so fuck it.

Third date is with Tessa. He has seemed to like her the most. The staff here at Handleman Enterprises tells me that Andy’s mom is Hawaiian, and he’s dated many girls in his past who look like Tessa, except for hot (like models and shit). Asian is his thing, cause he wants to marry mommy. Ew.

We meet the family. Tessa’s mom is Asian and dad is white. Tessa also has a sister, but she’s no Ona either. Who is though?

Andy gets grilled. I’d break up with Tessa just because of her best friend. She’s annoying. She’s one of those best friends that thinks she’s “protecting her girl” and helping out, but really she’s chasing dudes away.

Andy gets all offended because he finds out that Tessa went on the show “for fun”. Does he honestly believe that any of the girls came on the show to get married? Cause that’s crazy! I’d be afraid of any girl who came on the show for that. I’d actually respect them more if they did it for a little fame whoring. Doing the show for fun is the best reason there is. Shut up, Andy.

And last but not least, Amber. I’ve been fighting with you guys over this the whole time, but she’s the cutest. If I were walking on the street and saw Amber, I’d check her out. If I saw Tessa, I wouldn’t look twice.

In a staged phone call, Amber calls her Aunt to ask if she’s going to see her. The Aunt says no. Nice. Amber cries. Hey, better to have an unstable family than to be unstable (BBD).

Amber’s parents don’t approve of her meeting a guy “this way”.

Uh oh, Amber says that it’s very import for her dog to approve of Andy. I think she just fell below The Girl With the Dead Boyfriend in my rankings. Fucking dogs! How am I the crazy one on this issue?

Oh, and right after I type that, the dog pees on the rug. Yeah, I’m the idiot.

In another hugely staged upset, Amber’s Aunt shows up. What a shock. Notice how Amber kept talking about the Aunt and not her parents – who really disapprove of this shit. The Aunt was obviously coming all along.

You know what? I think Amber’s done this episode.

ROSE CEREMONY

Tessa is in. Of course she is, he loves his mom.

BBD survives another week. He is just making the eventual meltdown that much more insane. Love it.

Danielle takes it! I called it, there was just something missing in that visit with Amber. Oh yeah, it was her parents. But seriously, something was oddly cold between them.

As Andy and Amber are walking outside, there’s an amazing reaction shot of Tessa with her rose. She has this look on her face like she just won the NBA championship. I can’t explain it, you just had to see it.

Amber cries and demands to know why. Andy gives her the “you’re 23 speech”. I feel bad for her, not that she got eliminated, but because BBD lasted longer. That’s insulting.

In the limo, Amber tells us the story of her and Andy’s marriage, focusing primarily on their mundane daily schedule. Then she goes into her past relationships with men (cause we all have pasts, right?), which is a sad tale of rejection. Oh sweetie, you are only 23. And at least you have a loving family to go back home to. Oh…whoops.

Goodnight!!!