THE BACHELOR, EPISODE VII: OVERNIGHT DATES

This is the episode where the Bachelor awkwardly asks all the girls if they want to go see his “fantasy suite”, which is a euphemism for penis. It’s great.

We’re in Hawaii, where Andy lives. He’s in his Navy whites, or as Jack Nicholson called them in “A Few Good Men”, his “faggoty white uniform”. You gotta love Colonel Jessup, and it’s interesting that Tom Cruise was cool with that line. Anyway, Andy shows BBD Pearl Harbor. What he should do is show her a good psychiatrist.

Oddly, this only lasts a few minutes, and then BBD exits and Danielle enters. This guy really digs Pearl Harbor. Danielle says that the day “showed Andy that I have respect for people in the military”. When was the last time someone dissed the military? No one ever does that. I think the list of untouchables goes: babies, military, panda bears.

Tessa is the next to visit Pear Harbor. She is easily going to win. And by the way, nothing says romance like checking out the second worst attack ever perpetuated on US soil.

The first overnight date is in Kauai with Tessa. They swing around on zip lines and shit. Is this a date or episode of Survivor? If I was gay, I wouldn’t go out with this dude. When I’m in Hawaii, I’m chillin’, I’m not running obstacle courses in the jungle.

In a stunning turn of events, Tessa accepts the invitation to check out Andy’s penis, er, fantasy suite.

Danielle is next, get ready for some dead boyfriend talk.

Andy and Danielle go on a boat and see dolphins and whales. Danielle says “I just wanna touch one”. Save it for the fantasy suite, lady.

If Danielle is 25, I’m a panda bear.

Danielle talks some nonsense about how a psychic told her that the third guy she met she was going to marry. I have a really mean dead boyfriend joke, but I don’t need the bad karma.

Upon hearing this story, the Bachelor producers scramble and find a psychic in Hawaii to appear on camera at dinner that night. Great hustle, guys.

Wait, check that. This so called psychic isn’t using tarot cards, she’s using regular playing cards. What the fuck? I think this is one one of the Bachelor producers playing the role of psychic.

There’s a lot of lame talk between these two, I don’t care what the psychic said, it’s not going to happen.

Man, I really hate Andy’s lazy delivery. The way he talks drives me insane.

Finally, some entertainment…It’s crazy BBD time!

Whoa, BBD is tatted up. Maybe that’s why Andy likes her, it looks like there’s a bald eagle on the small of her back. I don’t to be crude here, but this is an honest question : is it unpatriotic for Andy to finish doing the deed on a bald eagle? They might have to go strictly missionary.

There’s a montage of them laughing and hugging and kissing. Just think: if Tessa wins, how is she feeling as she’s watching this? This would be a great component of the black bachelor. Film the girl who won as she’s watching the episodes – “Oh no you didn’t make out with that crazy bitch! I don’t care if you gave me that punk ass promise ring, I’m gonna cut you, motherfucker!”

BBD accepts the fantasy suite offer on the grounds that they will continue the conversation and Andy will get to know her better. But all Andy can hear is “bald eagle, bald eagle, bald eagle”.

Andy talks to his “friend” about the girls. It’s like watching Ryan Seacrest tell Jesse Metcalfe about all the hot chicks he knows.

Why do they keep saying that being married before is the most scandalous thing ever? I know I’ve gone crazy over this before but seriously, is this 1955? The giant eagle on her back, the crying every two seconds, the entering a reality show to find a husband, that’s all perfectly fine. But the ex-husband? That’s crossing a line.

ROSE CEREMONY

I think Danielle is gone, but we’ll see…

BBD gets the first rose. This dude loves the drama, and by drama I mean the bald eagle.

Tessa is in, of course she is.

Danielle is sent packing. She has to be one of the least known, most obvious “never had a chance” girls ever in the final three. It’s still weird that Amber didn’t make it as far as her. Danielle really rode the dead boyfriend card to…well, to death.

Thanks for reading! Goodnight!