THE BACHELOR FINALE

My friend Drew and I have sworn to never watch this show again if Andy picks BBD. The scary part is: Drew actually means it.

They start the show with a long recap, which I’ll skip.

Andy’s hometown is Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Despite rumors on the internet, Andy’s mom does not appear Tessa-like. Instead, she’s some kind of crazy, possibly fake redhead, just like his sister.

While Andy is telling his family about Tessa, we learn more about the girls than we have in the last 10 hours of show. Amazing! I guess she went to Middlebury, and then to Columbia for her masters in social work. Damn impressive. Still not hot though.

Coincidentally, BBD, like Tessa, lives in San Francisco and is getting her masters in Social Work. Once again proving my theory: the people that go into social work are insane.

Andy forces his family into a group cheer of “operation soul mate!”. And it was even gayer than it sounds.

Andy even does that awkward hug thing with his mom!

Poor Andy’s sister, it must be tough when your brother is the best looking woman in the family.

You know who Andy talks like? 50 Cent. But at least 50 was shot in the face, what’s Andy’s excuse?

Andy’s mom interrupts shit to tell Tessa that “she’s just so beautiful”. And that is why women and gay men should not be picking our supermodels.

Andy’s sister could easily beat the shit out of him.

All right, people. It’s BBD time. I hope they have tissue at the house, cause you know we’re getting tears…or at least an ankle injury.

BBD says that she does a lot of work with Alzheimer’s patients, and also sexual dysfunction. Put them together and she’d have the perfect man: someone who wouldn’t remember the horrible sex with her.

Also, probably not a good idea to mention sex and dysfunction when meeting the parents.

BBD tells Andy’s stunned grandparents that she studies the Baha’i faith. I looked up this religion hoping to find something as crazy as BBD, but it’s not that weird (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bahai). Although it does hate on gays, gossips, and rich people. And at the age of 18, believers must get a bald eagle tattoo on the small of their back and a failed marriage.

Andy makes a bunch of excuses for BBD. Actually, he basically says that he wants to fuck her more he wants to fuck Tessa. Seriously. But somehow, after the bad start BBD sorta wins them back. Or maybe Andy’s family has Alzheimer’s.

After BBD leaves, Gramps gives an impassioned speech which basically translates to: sex fades. At a certain point, sonny, you’re gonna have to actually talk to BBD...and then kill yourself.

Back in Hawaii, Andy and BBD spend the day together and ride on a helicopter. When BBD sees it, she loses her mind (if that’s possible).

At the hotel, something strange happens. Andy and BBD hug and check out the pimp surroundings, and Andy says “I’m in fricking love”. And BBD says “Good, me too”. So he’s in love with her? Or the hotel? Or an unseen guy sitting in the nearby pool? We don’t know, but if he just told her that he loved her before the rose ceremony, that would be a Bachelor first.

Andy presses the “it’s our last night together” angle to try for some pre-rose ceremony booty.

BBD gives Andy a card and a watch. Andy says “I wish I could make this moment stand still”. Then BBD interviews that when she’s with him “time stands still”. Jeez, maybe these two really do share a brain. For Andy’s sake, he’s lucky it’s not an ankle.

Okay. BBD tells Andy “Lt. Andrew Baldwin…I love you!” And Andy says “are you serious?” So that thing earlier wasn’t…I’m confused.

And then!!! Andy says “I love you too, Bev”. Well, there you go. If he didn’t do it earlier, he did it there.

Right now, it’s just like we’re watching the Andy/BBD show. But there is another girl, and the producer’s do love to fuck with us…

BBD states, for the record: “there is no way in hell he’s going to leave me standing without a rose”. We’ll see about that.

Andy and Tessa go horseback riding and then swimming and then kissing. Then it’s back to the hotel – the producers are definitely giving her less time than BBD.

She gives him a present too, what a coincidence. Tessa professes her love. She wants to stay with Andy. She says “I love you”. And guess what? He says “I love you” back! Whoever “wins” is feeling really good about things as she’s watching this.

It’s really fucked up of him to do that though, because when each girl hears those words, they have to be thinking “I won”. And it’s going to hurt that much more. Wow.

Andy says “I fricking love you, you know that?”. Whoa, I knew he loved them both, but I didn’t know he “fricking loved” them both.

Andy picks out a ring, the girls get ready, and Andy pretends that he just made up his mind.

And the first girl out of the limo is…BBD! All is right with the world. By the way, before we get to the rejection let me just say: she kinda looks a lot like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” – frizzy blonde hair, nose, crazy eyes - and he told her he loved her. Damn.

Andy cries and says that there is “someone who has touched my heart deeper”. You know who he’s talking about, right? Gatsby. Oh, I thought he said “touched his ass deeper”.

BBD cries (of course) in the limo. You know, and I don’t want to sound crazy here, but BBD was the most normal she’s been in this episode. Okay, other than the part where she told Andy’s family about her expertise in sexual dysfunction.

Tessa rolls in. I think I actually find BBD more physically attractive, but Tessa more everything else attractive.

Andy’s speech is…beyond awkward. I almost have to change the channel and stop the recap. He says something about Tessa being so funny he gives her “side stitches”. And he’s a king and she’s his queen, or maybe the other way around, I don’t know, it’s embarrassing.

He asks her to marry him and she says yes. An officer and a gentleman! They do a terrible kiss - which I know those who saw it will back me up - is exactly like that horrific Al/Tipper Gore kiss during the 2000 election.

That's it, that's the show. Andy and Tessa.

Thanks for reading these this season, everybody, it’s been a lot of fun…and a pain in my ass (hour and a half episodes? Really?). I love writing about the show and hearing your thoughts. Until next season…

If I get off work at a normal time, I might recap the Lost finale on Wednesday. Hope you all watch. Goodnight!