I really don't get America.
I'm questioning what business I have trying to write for television and film. If American Idol is our most popular show and "Transformers" the most popular movie, I have to be fucked. Clint Howard might as well been talking about me when he famously said in "Parenthood", "He has no business being out there, NO BUSINESS!!!"
I have no business being out here, cause I just don't get it.
Let's start with Shia LaBeouf. Really? Him? He was the least believable thing in "Transformers", a movie that featured a hot blonde as the best computer hacker in the world and talking robots. At no point is this kid not "acting". He's always doing this bizarre "on" thing, where it seems like he's just doing a take for the director where he's improving and trying to be funny. He's constantly doing schtick.
He is less the next Tom Hanks, and more the next Peter Scolari. Actually, that's an insult to Scolari, his portrayal of both Henry and Hildegard Desmond was highly underrated. But seriously, Tom Hanks can do a lot of things. Shia LaBeouf does one thing, one very annoying thing. Tom Hanks is fucking hilarious. Shia LaBeouf tries to be hilarious. Can we have a more rigorous screening process before we hand over key roles in "Indana Jones'" films, please? I think everyone should be made to play the part of Uncle Ned in "Family Ties" before graduating to the next level of stardom.
As for the movie, holy shit. I've gotten into several arguments about it this week. Arguments that featured yelling. I even called a midget a douchebag over it. It's very upsetting.
The main thing I heard against my argument (that the movie makes no sense and thus cannot be enjoyable) is: "it's based on a cartoon! it doesn't have to make sense! you just hate on movies that are entertaining! there were big explosions!"
Fuck you. That's not an argument. I like fun, entertaining movies. Hell, I'll even go on record to say that I like (some) Michael Bay movies - "The Rock", "Con Air", "Bad Boys"...I'm neither anti-Bay nor anti-fun. But come on.
I just don't understand why corniness, horrible dialogue, and a complete lack of logic doesn't kill a movie for people. How can you still be invested in a movie that doesn't make sense. How can you enjoy a movie that has scenes and dialogue that unintentionally make you laugh? There were at least 5 instances in this movie that gave me the "uncomfortable sweats", a condition I normally get while watching a hidden camera show or Elisabeth Hasselback on "The View".
I also don't understand how they can have all that money for special effects and not have a guy on staff that goes "um...that doesn't make sense" or "I think we can do better than that line".
And I don't want you to think that I'm some crazy person questioning the logic of a movie that features robots from outerspace and the hottest chick in the world liking Shia LaBeouf and not Josh Duhamel. That's not what I'm doing. I'm willing to go with the robots. I was totally onboard for that. But the way fiction works is that you setup a world with rules, and you must stick to those rules. If you establish a world in which Tara Reid is the town virgin and farts don't smell, that's fine, as long as you're consistent with that. However, this is a movie that turns the simple task of retrieving a pair of glasses into a half-hour robots-as-Buster Keaton routine. And did I mention that the robots monitor ebay from outerspace? Cause they do.
And don't tell me that this is a "kid's movie". There was not one kid in the packed theater I saw it in. Nor is the midget I argued with a kid.
Ugh, I'm turning into a crusty old man. NO BUSINESS!