It Did Suck Though...

I worked on a big, flashy awards show this week. It featured a surprise visit by an aging, strangely coifed pop star who hasn't had a hit in years. No, I didn't work on the MTV VMA's, it was the Creative Arts Emmys, and that pop star was of course, Billy Ray Cyrus.

Man, I really wish I was in Vegas talking back stage with R. Kelly. But instead I was at the Shrine Auditorium in downtown Los Angeles talking back stage with Hanna Montana - ironically, R. would probably rather be where I was.

This is the first year that the Creative Arts Emmys have been televised (it airs next Sunday on E!), and it's the Emmy's, but for the technical people - makeup, costume, editing, etc. - and they also hand out a couple of awards for "guest starring" parts and some reality show categories.

I was brought in late in the game to add some jokes and it was a little awkward. These people had been slaving away on this show for weeks and I come in a couple days before with my wacky Larry Craig and "Kid Nation" jokes.

Sample: "Those kids on "Kid Nation" should feel lucky, it could’ve been worse; they could’ve been sent to Alec Baldwin Nation. (Hard to believe but this joke didn't make the cut)

But everyone was really great to work with and the show turned out well. It's always cool the bonding that happens when you put on a live show, it's very similar to putting on a high school play, except for everyone is good at their job and the Dog Whisperer is there.

Also cool, the Shrine Auditorium. You'll never find a nicer auditorium closer to the ghetto. I think the street next to it is where Ricky was gunned down in "Boyz 'N The Hood".

I had to rent a tuxedo for the occasion. I wish I wasn't such a wuss and went for the Shaq-alicious white coat/orange shirt and a tie model I saw on a mannequin, but I kept it conservative.

I got to hang in the back with a lot of celebrities. Josh Duhamel - very pretty, Blair Underwood - even prettier, Kristin Bell was there, Omar Epps, Dixie Carter!, Mekhi Pfifer, Maura Tierney, Billy Ray and his daughter, "Ugly Betty's"America Ferrara...but the guy I was most excited to see was Blumberg himself.

That's right, Greg Grunberg, who played Sean Blumberg on "Felicity", and looks exactly like my ex-agent was a presenter.

I really wanted to ask him about Smooth-aise, or Lact-O's milkless cereal, but I tried to stay professional.

And I was professional, until this happened...

Ned has this friend, this girl, who gives him watches to wear on TV. Her dad used to be partners with Jacob the Jeweler, and they had a falling out and now he's on his own. So he lets Ned wear these really expensive watches just so they'll show up on TV.

This girl is really cute, and always seems to show up at events like this. And she HATES ME. She always pretends like she doesn't remember meeting me (we've met 5-10 times) so I always pretend that her dad IS Jacob the Jeweler. This drives her insane and makes me very, very happy.

Anyway, I'm standing backstage and I see her. She doesn't acknowledge me or say anything, so I think to myself "here we go again with this girl". She was sitting around for most of the show and not paying attention. Until the "best original song category" comes up, which features "Dick in a Box" as a nominee.

She stands right in front of me as we watch on the monitor and "Dick in a Box" is announced as the winner. She gets really excited and starts clapping.

I lean in close to her and go, "yeah, but 'Hot Rod' SUCKED!" And she whips around and puts her index finger up to my face, all pissed off. She didn't say anything, she just held the finger there for a beat and then quickly turned back around. Then I lean in and go, "but "Hot Rod" did SUCK!"

A little bit later, I tell Ned that "Watch Girl" never remembers me. He looked at me, confused, and goes "she's not here, she's in New York". And I go, "no, she's right there". And he looks at the girl, and goes "that's not her, bro".

About 20 minutes later, I see Samberg and his boys walk by, along with, THAT GIRL. She is Samberg's publicist! I told Andy Samberg's publicist that "Hot Rod" sucked! Whoops...my bad. It did suck though...

The Governor's Ball was after the show in an adjoining room to the theater and it was sick. I ate dinner next to Jean Smart and her husband. You know, when I was a kid I could only dream about dining with one of the "Designing Women". The dream probably would've been Annie Potts over Smart, but I can't quibble. She's awesome, totally cool though slightly appalled by my eating habits.

I brought my camera and my family members told me to get pictures of celebrities. But I felt weird asking people to take pictures. A lady friend of mine is a huge fan of Rex Lee - Lloyd from "Entourage". So I figured I would get one with him and that would be it. But one Rum and Coke led to another, one dance to a Prince song led to another, and suddenly, Rex was gone. I missed my chance.

However, there was an Asian actor there who is even bigger and better than Lloyd. He was Lloyd before Lloyd. In fact, I would argue he is the greatest Asian actor this country has ever had. A comedic genius.


Long Duck Dong...and an Oily Bohunk.

"The Donger needs food!"