Bachelor Brad Meets the Sexy Parents

It’s good to be back…

Before the show started I caught the commercial they’ve been running. And it ends with Harrison saying something like, “you won’t believe how it ends!” and then we don’t see anything, but we hear a girl go “ahhhhh!”. So apparently at the end of this episode, Brad either has sex with someone or stabs them. I’m guessing Bettina gets stabbed, but let’s watch and see.

It’s hometown visit time. First up, Jenni, the Phoenix Suns dancer/Erin Gray doppelganger. She’s from Kansas. Brad meets up with her and they’re in an empty auditorium and she does some dancing – because, in her words, “she’s really really good at it”. This brings up an interesting question: if you were to meet Jenni and she told she was a dancer in the Phoenix area, what would you assume she meant? And where does “Phoenix Suns dancer” fall in the dancing as occupation category; higher than stripper or lower? Cause she does get to keep her clothes on at the game, but it’s not a full time job. Plus, a stripper gets paid more. But they both involve shaking ass in front of highly paid athletes. Something to think about.

Brad meets Jenni’s family, including her crusty old grandma. Brad tells her “I heard you were a firecracker”. When I get old, if people describe me as a firecracker I’m gonna be pissed. Firecracker is code for old, kooky bastard who no one takes seriously and we all know it.

Jenni’s family is acting like being in the bar business is the equivalent of owning the Mustang Ranch. This show truly exists in the year 1812. Did they have hot tubs in 1812?

Jenni learns that she has officially been named a Phoenix Suns dancer for next season. Brad owning multiple bars is bad, but Jenni being a professional cheerleader is cool beans.

I have to say though, Jenni seems cool. Some of the other girls were trying to hate on her earlier in the season (re: Jaderade) because she brought her head shots with her, but she seems like a sweet enough girl. The way those girls were talking you’d think those head shots were the Pentagon Papers.

The next visit is with Sheena in Walnut Creek, California, which is also my hometown. So this recap is very personal for me, I’ll try to get through it. They meet some place with water that I’ve never seen in my entire life. They’re faking the hometown! It’s on a Hollywood soundstage just like the moon landing!

Brad and Sheena’s dad high five over both being Scorpios – it surpasses an episode of “Will and Grace” where Will kissed Jack as the gayest moment in the history of television.

At first, Sheena’s parents seem cool and fun and normal. Unfortunately, Sheena’s mom starts talking. She makes Jorja Fox look like a rational human being. I’m not going to quote her whole rambling insane speech, but she speaks of lasso-ing the big dipper from a hot tub. Brad and Sheena do actually go up to a hot tub, but the only thing Brad lassos are Sheena’s fake breasts. But his big dipper may or may not have been grabbed.

Next visit is with DeAnna in Georgia. I’ll say it right now: DeAnna is hot. Hot in a cute way. Brad likes her because “DeAnna doesn’t need me”. You gotta respect that. A lot of these girls seem like the opposite. And a lot of those girls hate on DeAnna for it. At least I think so, it could be the editing though, we’ll see how this plays out.

DeAnna’s mom died when she was young. That sucks. Her dad is cool, and looks A LOT like her. DeAnna has a better body though.

DeAnna’s entire, huge Greek family comes over. Her poopa, or papu, or whatever, makes Brad take a shot of Uzzo. There’s a funny moment where Brad says that the shot was disgusting and he tried to keep a straight face because, “I’m a man”. And he did air quotes around the “I’m a man” part. Oh shit, I’m like the girls on the show, I’m falling for Brad! Or is it Chad? I can’t tell.

And finally, it’s the much ballyhooed Bettina date. I’m very pumped up for this, I hope it’s not a let down like last week’s “one of the bachelorettes loses her mind!”

They meet in Washington D.C. – though she actually lives in Hermosa Beach. Bettina’s dad looks exactly like Stephen King, only creepier. I’m serious, a creepy Stephen King. CSK (creepy Stephen King) is a professor, and hates on Brad because Brad didn’t graduate from college. But he’s not creepy!

The step mom hates on Brad because “he runs a bunch of bars”. These people are huge, creepy snobs. If this were a normal situation, okay maybe I see their point. But can’t these people trust the ABC vetting process? They don’t choose vagabonds, folks. Well, except for that Charlie O'Connell season.

CSK is horrified (as we are by him). He says that Bettina’s first husband was AWESOME, and no one could be better than him. CSK feels the same way about Bettina’s first husband as I do about Brad. Or Chad. Whoever. But come on, that is a weird thing to say. More than weird, it’s, shall I say, creepy.

If we read between the lines, it seems that Bettina’s family is not happy about her decision to be on the show at all. I don’t think this is totally about Brad. CSK says he wishes she’d date someone with a PHD, and Bettina fires back with “one of your daughters didn’t graduate from college”. Suck on that, CSK!

Brad and Bettina finally get out of that fucked up house and get some alone time. And then Bettina says something that would piss me of so much I can’t even stand it. I’m a very laid back dude. I like a healthy debate, but generally, it’s very difficult to get me angry. However if someone said what she just said I’d go Hillary and lose my mind.

Bettina: “Hey, I don’t look that great on paper either.”

Holy shit, no you didn’t. I wish he could just drop her right now and say, “look, don’t even bother showing up for the rose ceremony”. He doesn’t look good on paper? He’s the bachelor! He’s easy on the eyes, he owns a successful business, he’s a nice guy, what the hell? He's great paper material! I’m so embarrassed by my love of Brad right now, but fuck it.

Brad says “I’m really freaked out and I don’t know what I’m going to do”. You may not know, Brad, but America does.

ROSE CEREMONY

DEANNA gets the first rose. I love her.

JENNI gets the second.

And BETTINA gets the third!!!

Oh my God! I am in shock right now. I’m fighting back Hillary tears. This makes no freaking sense. I’m calling bullshit. The producers had to have input on this decision. It’s obviously a two girl race, and they’d rather have Bettina in there for the final episodes cause she’s clearly a psycho hosebeast. But that’s just wrong! Wrong, I tell you!

Although I must say, I would like to see Brad pick Bettina and then go hang out with CSK and use double negatives and shit and just drive him insane.

Before I leave, I must mention another great tease:

We see Jenni lying on the bed of the fantasy suite. Chris Harrison says: “Jenni is having trouble telling Brad how she feels”. Then we hear Jenni say: “It’s so much easier for me to show it”, and then Brad comes over, it’s the famous “Godfather” shot, and closes the door on us!

Only the Bachelor can combine “The Godfather” and whoring so sublimely.

Goodnight!