Monday Night Diary (Part 1: Sports Edition)

The last two weekends have literally been the worst 2 sports weekends of my life. Last week, the Padres got swept by the Rockies, the 49ers got blown out by the Steelers, both my fantasy teams lost, and so did my parlay, er, football pool. Then this weekend, needing only a win to clinch, the Pads lose 2 to the Brewers, the Niners get blown out again, Jermain Taylor gets knocked out, and I lose another parlay, er, pool. And this leads us to tonight:

The Padres are in a one game playoff for the final spot in the postseason. The game is tonight in Denver against the Rockies..

Then there is the Monday Night Football game. I am not a fan of the Patriots or the Bengals, however my fantasy football team is in need of a victory. I am up by 17 against my opponent, but he has Tom Brady going and I have Kenny Watson (replacing an injured Rudi Johnson). Yes, I'm depending on Kenny Watson for a win.

Of course, there's also "The Bachelor", "Heroes" and "Journeyman". Let's see how this goes...

4:37pm The Padres/Rockies game begins. The crowd is pumped. Yikes. Although it might only be because it's 73 degrees in Denver.

4:51pm Todd Helton hits a sacrifice fly, then an Atkins single: Rockies 1, Pads 0. Still 1st and 3rd, 1 out. I can't believe I wasted the last 5 months of my life.

4:58pm Peavy gets out of it with a fly out to left center. He's not exactly fooling them. I feel just like I did when Lacey got eliminated from "Rock of Love": I'm glad it's over, but it took way too long to happen and the damage is done.

5:10pm My mom's favorite named player, Yorvit Torreable homers: 3-0. With a name like Yorvit he should be on The Bachelor this year.

5:21pm Here we go. The Pads load the bases with no out and the big boys coming up. Let's not blow this...

GRAND SLAM!!! Adrian Gonzales, are you serious? Pads up 4-3! Seriously, these bastards are going to kill me this season.

5:34pm Todd Helton home run. 5-4. I'm going to puke. This game is insane. I think the only equivalent of this game right now is the ending of "The Departed" where everyone just keeps getting shot in the head.

Meanwhile...

The Monday Night Football game starts. In a related story, Tom Brady is dreamy. Asshole.

5:56pm The Bengals give it to Kenny Watson 3 straight times. I'm liking this. Then one of the Patriots defensive players "introduces us" to his defense. He goes, "Up on the front line, we got V weezy, T weezy, and G weezy". What about Sneezy weezy?

6:06pm RBI single by Holliday, 5-5. Why do I do this to myself?

6:18pm Tom Brady with the TD pass, closing my fantasy lead to 87-75. Thanks Tom, you know what? Why don't you go ahead and fuck supermodels and ruin my life. Appreciate it.

6:38 Sac fly for Matsui, Rockies lead 6-5. These are the moments you question your love for sports.

6:40 Another triple, and our manager is leaving Peavy in! Dude, there's no games after this if we lose. We have the best pen in the majors! This makes no sense.

6:50 Tom Brady to Moss, TD. Fuck.

6:55 For some reason, Peavy is still in. Atkins rips one to left, a homerun. BUT WAIT. The umps are saying it's a double. Here's the replay...holy shit! The ball hit a wheelchair and came back! God is on our side. Or at least Handicap people are. This is nuts. The Rockies manager is arguing. He hates handicap people.

This has to be a baseball first. They're not changing the call. A wheelchair just cost the Rockies a run...for now. Ladies and gentleman, brace yourselves: it's wheechairgate.

7:18pm Matt Holliday, the best hitter in baseball? Maybe. The best fielder? No. He totally misplays an easy line drive, it goes over his head, and I jump and down while my wiener burns...What? I'm barbecuing hot dogs.

7:36pm Watson breaks off an 8 yarder, I'm up 92 to 80.

7:44pm Our best reliever shuts them down, we're going to extra innings. I have taken to watching the football game when we're pitching.

7:59pm Doug Brocail is put into the game to pitch for my boys. The TV equivalent of this would be, if ABC took the worst character of their hit series and built an entire show around her.

8:04pm Addison puts them down, we're going to the 11th! Unbelievable. I didn't even think the Padres had the ability to extend my agony this long.

8:16pm Up 14 with 6 minutes left, the Patriots are inexplicably throwing every time with Brady. Thus tightening my sphincter even further.

8:22pm Brady to Moss, TD. You good looking bastard! That's just evil. But I'm still up 92-88. A sigh of relief, at least I won something this weekend.

At the same moment, the Rockies get 2 on with 2 out in the 11th. We bring in a reliever who has spent almost the entire year in Triple A. As Samuel L. Jackson once said in the Steven Spielberg classic "Jurassic Park": "Hold on to your butts".

8:27pm STRUCK HIM OUT!

8:28pm: My TiVo asks permission to turn the channel to record "The Big Bang Theory". Request denied.

8:37pm: This game started at 4:37pm.

8:50pm 13th inning! I don't know what I'm more scared of at this point: the Padres losing or "The Bachelor" starting while the game is going on.

8:56pm Scotty Hairston! 2 run job! Unbelievable. 8-6! We're up, but it's not over. We have the scariest closer in the league.

9:12pm: And he promptly gives up a leadoff double. And a follow up double, it's 8-7, no out, man on second.

And a triple, it's 8-8. Seriously? Seriously.

Sac fly and it's over. 9-8 Rockies. You can't see it, but there's blood on my monitor.

I can only the Bachelor will cheer me up...